I have a number of stories that are completed and uploaded to other sites, and several WIPs.
Special thanks for the LURVERLY banner go to FlyToDawn!
I've been sorted into Slytherin house, and have the same username on the forums.
I actually had this story rec'd to me the other day as part of an unrelated conversation I was having with another writer. She spoke very highly of it so when I went looking for a Dark Story and saw this one come up, I figured I'd give it a shot.
This is interesting, because I'm not sure who the (female?) narrator is. Initally I'd thought it was Snape (he does rather lend himself to darkfic), but then when the narrator said something about (presumably her) husband, I changed my view. Then, because of your comment about June on Ashwinder, I began thinking it's Hermione, but I'm still not sure. Probably more Hermione than Ginny, but I suppose there's always an OC that could be cropping up there.
Just FYI, some of your paragraph breaks didn't double space (I *hate* submitting to multiple archives, that's always such a pain!)
This opens with such amazingly dark imagery. What USED to be the Great Hall is now overrun with weeds, how depressing!
The thing is, I have to wonder if the Dark Lord really would destroy the school that Salazar helped to found. I suppose that would be as much in character for him as killing off so many purebloods - so many have died at his hands, *including his own family*, that I wouldn't put it past him, but it certainly makes his rhetoric hard to believe!
So, this is quite interesting and I look forward to reading more of the story!
"Creevey", not "Creevery". Also, "his", not "hios" - and I noticed quite a few other random typos throughout the chapters.
Having said that: I'm absolutely DELIGHTED that you're giving us bits and pieces of Hermione's Muggle life and only infrequently. I'd thought, originally, that maybe they weren't pertinent, and then I thought perhaps the father was George, but now . . . I'm not so sure on either count! Fantastic interweaving!!!
And no, contrary to beliefs very likely impressed upon you by this summary, I'm not a gormless prat.
Well... not entirely.
Not really a proper review (parts of this had me laughing quite vigorously), but this chapter has absolutely no whitespace. Not a single carriage return in the entire chapter.
I'm wondering who his father is now . . . because assuming Lucius and Narcissa are both natural blondes, Draco *cannot* be their child due to genetics. Now, if one or the other of his parents was naturally dark haired, that would be different . . .
Author's Response: Three hours ago, I would have given an answer, but I\'ve just been bitten by a bunny and so you\'ll have to wait and see!
Wow, you open this story with such amazing visuals and such vivid wording!
I like how Hermione's DA training kicks in and she dodges the curse.
Oh dear. Draco's Obliviated himself. Bwhahahah. *ahem*
Oh dear. Draco's being Summoned, isn't he, and he doesn't know what that's all about. (As an aside, I wonder what's wrong with his leg?)
That brings to mind an interesting question - I wonder how much an Obliviated wizard really forgets. Obviously, neither Lockhart, or, in your story, Malfoy, have any "issue" with people pointing wands at them, but they don't seem to realise they can do magic. And obviously Draco's ok with the terms Muggle and the issues with his robes, but he's no idea about Voldemort, apparently. Or his personality. :P
My my my, but this might make for a whole different Draco Malfoy!
Heh. I absolutely LOVE that you've named the owl Athena. ;) That was good!
Author's Response: Thank you very much for your detailed review! I\'m glad you like the opening. Reading over it now, I think I could write it better, but since it was my first ever piece of fanfiction it didn\'t come out dreadfully badly. I hate in so many fanfics that Hermione is a helpless victim, completely unable to defend herself or to have a bit of common sense. After all, she\'s not an idiot; she should have enough cop-on to dodge a curse! Heehee. Yes, he obliviated himself and is now an innocent blonde angel... at least at first glance. Since this review is for the first chapter, I\'m not sure if you have read the rest. In later chapters you discover the reason for the pains in his legs. Although, come to think of it, I didn\'t actually state that exactly as far as I know... As for how much he remembers, he is aware of the magical world, but he has forgotten all spells etc. Although he does sometimes have brief memories of his past life, such as the Polyjuice Potion. His personality is different. He has lost all the influences from his upbringing, since he can\'t remember it. However, he is certainly not perfect. As you will see in later chapters, he is conceited and, to put it kindly, not the most courageous. First person to get the Athena name! I was searching for a good name, and as the goddess of wisdom and \'womanly crafts\' who often appeared in the form of an owl, I thought she was perfect!
Wow, this chapter is really sad. Snape's distress is absolutely palpable, and really intense.
I've really enjoyed your "take" on some things and think you have hit quite a few on the head. I also enjoyed that quill/communication spell.
You've done the remarkable job of managing to cover "the Snape/Lily question" without making it either ridiculous or sappy - and that says quite a lot
Author's Response: Thanks. This review means a great deal to me. *self-spoilers ahead* After a long pondering of what would make Dumbledore trust Severus, and how Harry utterly reinvented what Dumbledore siad about it, this seemed the most plausible explanation. If Severus was absolutely crushed by the events at Godric Hollow, but wouldn\'t talk about it, Dumbledore could assume all sorts of things, and everyone stays in character. Severus also seemed the sort of person who would value a best (only?) friend far more than an ex-lover; who might, in fact, not trust anyone who would be his lover, or trust that sort of love itself.
I\'m reaching that sorry state where looking back at this fic makes me remember things I would like to redo. Thanks for dropping by and saying nice things about it; my afterthoughts like that tend to be wrong, and a good review can remind me of that before I go and do something stupid. There\'s rewriting, which is good, and then there are afterthoughts, which are not.
Written as a Term Challenge: Holidays Abroad submission for Slytherin.
Whoa - I wasn't quite sure how Merope ended up in bed - I went back and re-read the bit of the last chapter. I thought she'd fallen asleep at the table in the lobby for some reason (you didn't actually say that...)
Was Merope not using any magic at all? You'd think she'd have put an alert on the room - but maybe she was too devastated/hormonal/whatever.
God, this is still going on during Martisor. *facepalm* So much for good omens. *sigh* Of course, she's about to birth the Dark Lord - so I don't think there's much of a good omen to be had.
Sad that the line of one of most distinguished Wizarding families ends this way, really.
I wonder how even miniscule droplets of water would affect the water supply - more properly, those who drink it.
Also, wasn't Hagrid's wand snapped in two? But he's using it inside that pink fluffy umbrella, right? She could, theoretically, piece it back together?
So Tom took all the food, even the honey, but missed the Amortentia and the wand? Did he just miss it because of Muggle-Repelling charms?
Author's Response: Let\'s just pretend there\'s a Muggle-Repelling charms put up there. Hehe, whoops? You look too far into things, cm. But that\'s why I like you so much. Hehe. Thanks for the review!
I like have you the alternating timelines here. :)
And Tom?! Gave Merope money? Wow! I didn't see that coming. But what happened to Cecilia?
How did Merope *get* to Knockturn Alley, anyway?
Poor Merope. She's really very tragic.
Author's Response: Cecilia doesn\'t exist in this story. Heh. And Merope got there by train, just like how she had gotten to Romania. And yes, I think she\'s quite tragic as well. Thanks for the review!
Oh I LOVE Merope fics! I've only ever even SEEN two others, which were, thankfully, well done and thoroughly enjoyable - much like this is shaping up to be.
I don't really understand why more people don't write her. I mean, I'd imagine she'd be difficult to write *properly*, but it can't be the time issue because so many people are putting out post-HBP fics.
It seems for most people she's easy to overlook, which honestly is kind of strange, when you realise that it's *Merope*, and her decision to ensnare Tom Riddle by "any means" that is the REAL starting place for this entire story. Not the fallout between Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherin, NOT the Dark Lord being vanquished by Lily's sacrifice - Tom being bewitched by Merope that caused them to elope and the Dark Lord's conception is the start of the entire story, because without the Dark Lord, Harry would have grown up with James and Lily and there would be no real reason for the story.
Heh - your "unbewitched' Tom sounds like "my" Snape. ;)
I really appreciate you painting Merope here as articulate. She doesn't speak in HBP, but that's from sheer terror.
I'm intrigued about the rumours . . .
Author's Response: Heh, cm, that means a lot coming from you. I know. And yes, I agree that Merope needs to be written more. Although I must say that this Tom was written long before I read about your Snape-- *giggle*. Thanks!
Oh dear god. You want to talk about some HIGHLY amusing timing?
I was *just* talking to Malko (and I mean, like, four minutes before I started reading the prologue), about the password in our new CR. So I've got linguistics on the mind. And I see the language, try to figure it out, and see that it's Romania (I didn't get to translate it since I don't speak Romanian), and, of course, IMMEDIATELY think it was him that gave you the translation.
Then you get to the whole landscape thing, which was really amusing given some posts of his a couple weeks back. By this point, i'm CONVINCED it's him, but he told me it wasn't, due to timing.
I dragged him over here anyway. ;)
Ok, having said all that. . . .
Ah yes, the dreaded ellipsis. Canonically, it should be space period space period space period space, unless it's a pause at the end of the sentence in which case it's wordperiod space period space period space NewSentence.
Dividers, canonically, are three asterisks. Centered. Preceeded and superceded by a double-space.
All of which should be in Garamond, which, AFAIK, is not supported on the fic forum.
Don't ask me why I know that. >_>
I *loved* the looks of disbelief of everyone around them. That was classic. ;)
I also really really liked the landscape descriptions. That can really make a fic for me and I have a horrible time remembering to do it myself.
I also really really liked how you have the differences in the potion - wondering if it's him not processing all that was in his system the day before, or if the potion strengthens as it sits, or . . .
It's super poignant that her potion smells like home, and NOT AT ALL like Tom. O_o That's saying a whole lot.
It's so gripping how she left an abusive relationship with her father and brother, and flew right into an abusive relationship with Tom. And the sad thing is, women do exactly that. *sigh*
I want Omnilingua as a spell. *pout* That'll be right on my list after Appration and Scourgify.
Author's Response: You give the best reviews. Seriously, this is the best one I\'ve read so far! And yeah, I doon\'t follow canon for a lot of that formatting stuff, but whatever. And I didn\'t talk to Chris (Malco) at all before doing this, but rather *gasp* looked up all the information myself. Annnnnd....I want that spell, too. It\'s be awesome.
Among these were busy roads, street venders,
She removed herself from Tom’s embraced
I think you can drop that D at the end. ;)
Tom could find the time when Merope wasn’t looking to buy the supplies he needed.
On is way back he stopped by a flower vender
"On his way back he stopped by a flower vendor.
“You look out of breath.” Merope observed
"You look out of breath *comma* (not period)", Merope observed...
There's some law written somewhere about not being able to spot your own mistakes, I swear.
Wow - Merope's rellly jealous and insecure. Not that I blame her, under the circumstances - she certainly has reason to be, after all. Plus, I know how this part of the story ends. ;)
Hm. I'm not sure how well the red and blue flowers would grow in Romania in the winter - is this a magical hotel? I think the snowdrops are winter flowers, to take a guess.
OMG *facepalm* - this is about to get bad, isn't it? Ooof.
Author's Response: Bleh. Someday I\'ll get around to editing this. You\'re right; it must me some sort of rule that you can\'t ever find your own mistakes. And, yeah, it is about ti get pretty bad...*dun dun dunnn* Thanks for the review, cm.
Hm. I personally found "civilians" and "personell" a bit jarring - I don't know that Iwould normally come into play in a HP fic unless it were Aurors talking amongst themselves. You sound like an Army brat (and you should know that coming from me, that's no insult). ;)
Would it be *called* a "Continental breakfast" - er - on the Continent? That sounds like an American description to me . . .
I'm having trouble understanding why Tom doesn't know what coffee is? O_o
Do you know you have "smart quotes" enabled in this chapter?
Poor, poor, deluded Merope. She's such a tragic figure, really.
So - pregnant Merope doesn't want Peanut Butter, eh? ;)
Author's Response: You made me laugh forever in that last part. But yes, I guess she doesn\'t. *giggle* And, I guess I\'m very \"American style\". I don\'t think there\'s any way to change that, though. As for Tom and the coffee...that was a mistake. It should have been the other way around. *sigh* Whatever. Thanks for the review!
Thinking about this, I'm not entirely sure that someone as aristocratic as Tom is *suppose* to be would say something like "bloody hell" - for some reason I think that's a "working class" expletive. Although I'd have someone who's *actually* British check that. ;) Since I'm not, and really don't know what I'm talking about.
It's so poignant that he never actually yells at her like he initially wanted to. And even MORE SO that he "doesn't want to become a murderer" - since his son had *absolutely* no qualms about that very thing.
You're missing a space after Merope starts to go to her room.
Merope had been watching the town through her window and occasionally saw him running around letting off steam. Ok, I just have to tell you, this painted the FUNNIEST PICTURE in my mind - Tom literally running around the town in circles amok, flailing his arms with steam coming out of his head. If you haven't seen that avatar on LJ where the guy runs screaming and flaling through the icon, let me know - I'll show it to you.
Was Tom really going to tell Sarah about his plan? And did he really like beer or was that the dreaded "red herring"? ;)
Also, check with Chris, but I'm not sure how prevalent phones were in small hotels in small villages in 1926 in Romania . . .
I'd feel that Tom was a bad guy at the end of this chapter (and granted, he's not a stellar character by any means!), but you know, he was pretty violated - no wonder he's skipping out.
Author's Response: I sort of wanted you to think he was the bad guy, so I\'m glad you did think that way. As for \"bloody hell\", I guess I just sort of wanted to put that in. No, I haven\'t seen that icon, but I\'d love to if you have it. Tom doesn\'t really like beer. I just sort of assumed there were phones. And...did I mention you give the best reviews? Thanks.
Follow Barty as he takes his steps through the Quidditch World Cup in GoF. What parts of the story did you miss while reading from Harry's point of view? This is the side of the story that you really care about.
I've wondered about this for some time - Harry seems to be somewhat immune to Imperio, but Crouch Jr. coudln't have been to be under it for so long. But you would think the Death Eaters would be - you'd think they'd have practiced it on each other. Or, at least *I* think so.
Oh dear, I totally missed this. Exactly how does Dobby know Winky? I somehow think it unlikely that Dobby was hanging out at the Crouch's.
Ok, now I'm totally embarrassed. For some reason that I cannot comprehend, I have no idea how Barty Jr. even knew the Dark Lord was on the rise again. Unless . . . his Mark was darkening, but then, presumably it would have done that during the whole Quirrellmort situation as well. Hm - maybe Barty, Sr. was talking about something where Jr. could hear him at some point, but are we ever actually *told* what happens there?
FYI, Harry sat in front of Crouch Jr. At the beginning of the chapter it sounds like he's behind him.
Wonder about these Invisibility Cloaks - we know of 4, AFAIK - James/Harry's, Crouch Jr., Moody's, and a spare. Where are they coming from? You don't exactly see them for sale but they're supposed to be "really rare" - but Moody has TWO?
"No, no, no. I says to Dobby, I says, go find yourself a nice family a ndsettle
Author's Response: Wow. Well, okay. The dialogue came directly from GoF, so if Winkey knew Dobby there then she knew him here. Barty Jr. knew about Voldemort because of something that happened n the first chapter of this, which was taken off the site because I didn\'t like it. I realize now that Crouch sat inf ront or Harry, but I dunno why I had him behind. And I have no idea wbout the Invisibility Cloaks.
Mmm, nice. I found all the canon characters to be *wonderfully* in character, save for the bit where Snape is wiling to reveal himself in front of Wormtail. HOWEVER! I'm willing to see where you take that. Actually, that he was willing to reveal his plans at all, although you might have needed to state that. As I'm only on chapter 1, that's entirely possible. I'm also dreadfully curious to find out who this Muggle man is.
I really like the touch of Voldemort's healing leaving scars.
I like what you're doing with Snape. So far. ;)
Author's Response: Yeah, I\'ve actually had a lot of people tell me that that wasn\'t a Snape thing to do. But, he wasn\'t really counting on Wormtail to be there, nor was he counting on Voldemort to be leaving Wormtail back with him again, now that he\'s, er, \"proved his worth\".
I think you did Harry fairly well, actually. I think he would be angry and frustrated and depressed. I also think he'd be fed up with the Dursleys.
I loved the line about him not having to hear about Snape at the Dursleys. I laughed out loud at that one. I, too, think Petunia's gonna let a bomb drop about ol' Snape.
Author's Response: That was done as an afterthought, actually. Harry was all ready to never have to hear about Snape, at least for the next couple weeks, and then he\'s in the paper and his Aunt recognizes him. ::shakes head:: Poor Harry
Ah, I am quite glad we got to see what was bothering Petunia.
Wow, this is getting interesting.
Author's Response: Thanks!
Ah, Oliver Wood, and Charlie Weasley. Two characters I like, who are woefully neglected in fanfic.
Of course it does not help that I'm not fond of Ron, so here I am going "GO CHARLIE!"
I do like the parallel of Harry/Oliver versus Ron/Charlie. I also like the mention of Bill being gone and Charlie being confused, although I would hope he actually *does* go to the wedding. Yikes.
I *especially* like Hermione working in the DoM. So often in fanfic, you see her being in Muggle Relations. With her brains, I find that somewhat implausible. Much, MUCH better as an Unspeakable.
Heh. Charlie's got a crush...
Wow. This sounds completely like a news article.
I love the lantern lit path. I want one, in fact!
I also like how you give details of the stadium construction. I like, too, how you have the thoughts of the "home team" fans. That's a nice touch. And I love Burowski's prideful voice. *heart* Of course, I have a special place in my heart for Bulgarians. *wink*
Very well done!
Author's Response: Can\'t take credit on the lantern lit path ... it\'s actually canon :) Thanks for the review :)
Ah, this was nice. Your detail and specifics here really make this story. Your portrayal of the Dark Lord is fabulous.
About Hermione's letter - there are some typos ("currant" should be "current", and "disapperation" should be "disapparation", and I believe canonically both Apparate & Disapparate are both capitalised, but I wouldn't swear to it.). Hermione is usually terribly formal, so I doubt she'd make such a mistake, and you do have it capitalised later. :)
What the devil did Lucius cast?
I like the twist at the end, that Draco (finally) shows himself to be a TRUE Slytherin, having subtlety and cunning, rather than the petty, spoilt brat he's been portrayed as.
I have no idea who that mysterious cloaked figure is, though...!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I will go and fix those typoes (they were mine, not Hermione\'s, she is way smarter than I am). Lucius cast a spell of my own invention. It is a searching spell which showed him where people were located within the grounds of Hogwarts. (But he forgot to check outside and missed all the aurors, tut tut Lucius). The cloaked figure was Draco who was waiting for Harry (I didn\'t want to make it too clear though or it would give the ending away). Sorry about the confusion.