Hello, there! I happened to stumble across my author page when I suddenly realized... I haven't updated it in two and a half years. So. Uhm. Here we are.
My name is Rachel, and if you're looking at my bio, I'm guessing it's for one of the following reasons. If that's the case, allow me to assist you:
Mod: Though I spent a year and a half working for the site, I am no longer a mod. If you're concerned as to why your Harry/Hermione fic hasn't made it out of the queue, I'm no longer the person to ask.
SBBC: This is a group on the forums which is devoted to discussing fanfiction, also known as the owner of a significant portion of my heart and soul. I was a member of the SBBC for three years and the leader for two, and I will say that in all my time in fandom, I have loved nothing as much as the SBBC. Unfortunately due to time constraints I had to step away, so if you're interested in joining, I am no longer the person to contact. But please, head over to the forums and check out the SBBC and talk to the lovely people who are currently in charge. It's wonderful. :)
SPEW: I am no longer a member of SPEW on the forums. If you still wish to review for me, which I would endlessly appreciate, I would love any concrit on Last Chance to Lose Control, Talk Tonight, Admiration, Candles Burn, The Best Things Are Left Unwritten, Endlessly, She Said, or Christmas Snow. Please don't bother with anything older than that; my most ancient fics are frankly poorly-written beyond repair. I keep them up solely to placate those who've enjoyed them.
Beta: I do infact beta - my name at the PI site is lily_evans34. I am not currently looking to beta anything new, but I'll keep you posted if that changes.
Drabbles: I've taken up drabbling again recently, and you can find my drabbles in The Three Broomsticks forum. I would love any feedback you have to give regarding those.
I'm a college student, though I was in middle school when I joined this website. Can you believe that?! Though I suppose now is not the appropriate time for nostalgia...
Ahem. Like I said, I'm a college student majoring in Linguistics, slowly working my way to fluency in Italian and French. In my free time I read, play tennis, update my MNFF author page that I'm guessing no one will ever read, and my pie chart of obsessions can be evenly distributed between Harry Potter, Les Miserables, and Doctor Who. There isn't much else to know.
I'm not currently active on MNFF, but who knows, maybe one day I shall return. I love this place. :)
My Fics - oldest to most recent.
This Little Thing Called Love
DELETED FROM MNFF.
Thanks for all the support for this fic, and I'm sorry to those who enjoyed it.
Let The Rain Fall
Harry/Ginny one shot. I've gotten some lovely reviews, but this isn't my favourite. This shows a perfect example of my earlier writing style... I've much improved since then. 'Much' being the key word.
General one-shot about Cedric during the night of the Third Task. Again, shows my earlier writing style off pretty well. Read only if you must.
A Hedwig One Shot written for the Owls challenge by lily_evans34 of Ravenclaw. Not my favourite.
I Never Knew You
Andromeda visits her sisters grave and writes a letter, explaining everything she had ever wanted to say. This is one of my favourites by me. My writing has matured, but I like the concept I had going.
Written for the Monthly Challenge: Great Love by lily_evans34 of Ravenclaw. James/OC. Not author recommended. Please don't SPEW review this one. Or read it. It's awful. Really.
A Life Worth Living
Angelina is having regrets about her upcoming wedding. Fred/Angelina.
Ever wonder what made James change for Lily? Fluffy James/OC one shot.
All Hermione can hear is the darkness. This is probably my most experimental, and I'd love some feedback here!
Endlessly She Said
Written for the SPEW 007 - prompt: "chase". Based on the beautiful song by AFI.
FEATURED: 4/22 - 4/30
The Best Things Are Left Unwritten
This is what happens when Lily Evans stays up writing late into the night. Short and sweet Sirius/Lily one shot toward which I have a certain fondness.
For my Sarah
Ron and Hermione, the day after the last battle. I would appreciate any feedback you have to offer here.
For my Suya
Sometimes you'll find comfort in the least likely of places. A bar-confession story of sorts, about despair, redemption, and hope.
Last Chance to Lose Control
Hermione has lost faith in everything, in everyone - except Draco. My first D/Hr in years.
For Suya - Happy Birthday!
The Sun is Gone Before It Shines
This story can be found under the penname 'Katchel'. It's a joint Ron/Hermione fic written by myself and ms weasley for our 'triplet', Kiara.
Please read and drop a review!
*dies* Harald, your talent for writing never ceases to amaze me. I'm coming back to SPEW this later, but I just had to stop by to let you know that this completely made me grin, which is quite the accomplishment atm. XD
Author's Response: Oh, thank you so much! This means a lot coming from you. You\'re opinion means a lot to me. Thank you again, so much. *huggles*
I adored that. I thought that it was an amzingly accurate portrayal of the Black family. Your descriptions were unique, straight to the point, and beautifully written. I loved the first few and last few paragraphs. They were flat out stated, though they contained so much emotion.
For them, it really did hold memories, and many of those memories were those they may not like to remember.
I don't know if you meant to do it, but you said 'remember' and 'memories' quite a lot, here. I would rearrange this sentence so as to make sure it's not redundant.
Sirius was his own person, and what did he care if his family could never appreciate that.
I would end this with a questionmark, as it's phrased like a question.
“Why doesn’t she just give up and let me be? She’s already yelled at me to the freaking point of insanity!” Sirius roared, more to himself than anyone else.
I don't think that 'roared' is quite the right word. I find it hard to think that you can roar at yourself, as it's a generally used when someone is yelling. I would say 'Sirius roared, more to say it to himself than anyone else.' Or else use a different word than roared.
Overall, I thought that was amazing. I think that you did a wonderful job explaining the house, Sirius and Regulus's thoughts, and why Sirius left. Wonderful job!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your critque. It helps a lot to get ideas then just praise. I\'m glad you liked it.
Ooh, I like! This story hooked me instantly with your description. Your first few paragraphs were beautifully written, and the whole thing had me hooked on every word. I loved all of your metaphors and literary devices. It really was wonderfully written.
I also thought that the plot was interesting. Is this whole thing about 6-year-old Draco, or was the first chapter a bit of a prolouge? I thought that it was interesting to find out something about Draco pre-Hogwarts, and the way his father treated him. I think that this is an interesting take on Draco's life, and I can't wait to read the next chapter to see where this story's going.
Sadly, I didn't find anything to critique. Well... one thing I noticed is how you caps-locked everything Lucius said, but you always used a period instead of an exclamation point. I think that the latter would show that he's shouting a bit more. *Sigh* I can't believe that's the only nitpick I found! Sorry I couldn't be more critical (I don't even know if you like critical reviews, but I always try to give a bit of concrit.)
Anyway, wonderful story; can't wait for an update!
Anna, Anna, Anna. What a beautiful story. This is different from what I usually read, but I find nothing wrong with a little light-heartedness every once in a while. :)
Let me just start off by saying that I chose to read this story because of the title and the title only. I absolutely adore it. It’s so simple, so classic, so… amazingly perfect. *loves upon title* Now back to the actual story. *shifty eyes*
Wizard interactions with Muggles are something that I guess I never really think about, but now that I’ve read this, it’s fun to think about all the different views on Muggles that Wizards can have. It’s really interesting, reading about a character like Arthur, who would voluntarily want to experience Muggle culture, and go to a place like Sergeant Sally. All I could think while reading about Sergeant Sally was “Mr Weasley would just love this.” John’s family, on the other hand, was also very interesting to read about in relation to John – it was a nice contradiction; John’s family being so opposed to Muggle culture, while John himself was very open to it.
Possibly my favourite thing about this story was how much thought and research you put into it. This story, unlike a lot that I both see and write, seems to be yours. I think that, giving the exception of a few HP phrases like “Apparated”, this story could have completely stood independent of the Potter books. You put so much into this one shot that it’s like you created your own little world. It’s hard to believe that John, Charles, and Agatha Weasley aren’t actually characters in the books, because of the distinct personalities that you gave each of them. Like in your very first line,
“Muggles everywhere! I do not understand why we simply couldn’t have Apparated.”
*giggles* I get such a powerful impression of Agatha from this sentence. I haven’t been reading the story for a minute, and I already can tell that this person is very magical, and rather fussy. Therefore, I must conclude that your dialogue is simply pwning, dear Anna, to be able to give us such a substantial glimpse of these characters’ personalities. Another example is this line, “There is nothing wrong with the Mad-House! They have the funniest plays in Britain!” You put so much into Agatha’s character that it’s seriously hard to believe that she’s not really Mr Weasley’s great-grandmother.
And, as I mentioned above, I really admire how much research you put into this. Being the lazy person that I am, I hardly ever put background research into anything I write, but I love that you used real people and songs in this story. The way you managed to connect our world and the HP world was just brilliant.
“My name is John Weasley,” he whispered.
“I know,” she breathed at his neck, “but you always looked like a Johnny to me.”
o.o *dies* That was my favourite line in this whole story. It is just… guh. I love how you wrote Elsie as having such a strong personality; it’s always fun to read about characters like her. Did you find out a lot about Elsie’s personality through research, or did you invent her characterization?
I’ve only got one piece of concrit for you, and it is this: Throughout this story you’ve been inconsistent with your use of Elsie and Elise. Earlier on, like in lines like this, “My name is Elise Carlisle, and I will sing you a few songs tonight” she’s referred to as “Elise”, and in later lines like ““Really?” Elsie got up from the chair and pushed her flowing, golden hair back over her shoulders,” she’s called Elsie. That’s the only nitpick that I can find for you.
Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this story! I love all your characters dearly, and I can really see them being a part of the books. I look forward to reading (and quite possibly reviewing!) more of your work in the future! *hugs*
I remember reading this fic quite a while ago, and simply adoring it. Now I’ve *finally* decided to leave a review.
Hermione strolled the corridors, pleasantly engaged with her own thoughts. It was a perpetually stormy Sunday. Such weather was her favorite. Other grumbling students were stuck catching up on homework while they bemoaned the lack of sunlight. Hermione, on the other hand, could amble through endless hallways in virtual peace. Serves them right for putting it all off until the last minute. They’re lucky the weather offered no temptation today, she thought while taking in the rushing sound of a waterfall.
I just love the way you open this piece. Hermione is extremely in character with her thoughts about the other students not having done their homework already. I just love how you write her. It’s so… Hermioneish, as I am at serious lack for a better word.
Who would say those things about me?
Excellent! Truly excellent! I love how you show her weakness; a thing that a lot of authors don’t bother with while writing Hermione. They always make her so self confident, but I’ve never really seen her this way. I’ve always thought that she does care what other people think, and I love the subtle way you add that into this story.
“I am not!” she shouted furiously. It was one thing to be called “Mudblood;” it was quite another to be accused of hypocrisy. It was a brooding, terrible trait. It was the real insult. “How dare you equate freedom with your sick version of segregation! I have a moral position.”
“Oh, and is it moral because you believe it?”
“N-no . . .”
“How can you tell what is moral and what isn’t, if all morality is based upon individual opinions? I can assure you, there are myriad opinions. What makes your version of ‘values’ superior? Hm?” He visibly gloated at his ability to make her squirm.
This conversation made me laugh! “Oh, and is it moral because you believe it?” That’s too funny! It seems like something that Hermione would think; ‘it’s moral because I think it’s right’. The way that Draco keeps keying into her weaknesses and insecurities is just lovely! I think what makes this a Hermione/Draco, as opposed to just a general fic, is this type of relationship where they keep challenging each other. When I’m reading it, I can’t help but to think that they’re both enjoying this debate to some extent.
One thing that I don’t understand about the formatting is why sometimes you use bolding, and sometimes you use italicizing. Is there a particular reason for that?
She caught his eye. He was leering, of course; the self-obsessed brute. For a moment, nothing but cold silence passed between them. Then it gave way to something much more pervasive and sinister. She became less aware of the pounding rain, and the fact that she was quite chilled, or that it must be getting close to curfew. Something lurked and kissed the former silence. It giggled in her ear. Yes. I could. It wouldn’t be so bad, would it?
I love how the reader can see the immediate change in Hermione when she learns to accept a different POV. But I’m a bit confused; when she says ‘Yes. I could. It wouldn’t be so bad, would it?’ what exactly is she referring to? Other than that, I really, really, liked this paragraph.
This is a very interesting Draco/Hermione story. No lust/smut/ or any of that. No physical attractions, which are so often portrayed in D/Hr fics. What I like the most about your story is just that… the way you write their relationship. In a way it doesn’t even seem like a romance story. But that’s just because this centers on Draco and Hermione’s exchange of thoughts and emotions, unlike something obvious and physical. The subtlety of this story is just astounding! I love the writing style as well; I didn’t find a single nit-pick! Which is odd… considering that I always nit-pick…
A truly brilliant story!
Author's Response: Thank you for this wonderful review! I rarely get these lovely long ones anymore. I italicize when there\'s merely an emphasis on a word, and bold when they nearly shout a word. What wouldn\'t be so bad, to Hermione, was to kiss him. They were in a very close position, and suddenly, her boundaries began to fade away, and she forgot for a moment that it was \'Draco\' and allowed herself to become attracted to him. Thank you again for the fantastic review!
Danielle! I so totally remember to review this!
Anyway, I do feel so horrible for not finishing my beta work on this story, but it was sweet of you to credit me anyway! So, here’s my Beta/SPEW style review, picking up on the second half, because I’d already read the first half, and, yeah.
Picture this: You love your mother deeply. Your only dream is to somehow, some way, be like her. Your only hope is that one day your daughter will love you as much as you love your own mother right now, at this very moment.
This part caught my eye, basically because you address the reader. Second person is typically stayed away from while writing from a third or first person POV, so if there’s anyway that you can rephrase this paragraph to not talk to the reader, that would be good. I think it’s fine if you just leave it like it is, however.
She was for living in the moment, enjoying what you have, never saying never.
This is like my last suggestion, but this sentence reads awkwardly with the word ‘you’ in it. It sounds like her mom is enjoying what someone else has, so I would change the ‘you have’ to ‘she has/d’.
She turned to Luna, a look almost apologetic on her face, and collapsed on the hard, cold stone floor.
I just adore this line. The way you use the work ‘apologetic’, you can tell that her mom isn’t trying to hurt Luna, and that Luna was the only one that made her regret what she was doing. It’s so sad to think about the fact that Luna had to watch her mom purposely kill herself.
Meanwhile, Luna almost found it almost amusing at how the wind thrashed their black coats around as they danced around in the wind, while they stood still as statues.
You use the word ‘around’ twice very close together, so I would take the second one out, just so it won’t be too repetitive.
Besides, she had already shed too many tears already, there were none left to come.
You use the word ‘already’ at the beginning and the end of the first clause here. *giggles because Rachel does that as well* You should take one out so it’s not too repetitive.
Around and around, her eyes focused on nothing but the leaves. Hearing nothing else, seeing nothing else, getting faster and faster, till the world became a distance blur of blue sky, twirling foliage, and tall tree trunks.
I adore this line. Before now, this story had a very lovely slow pace to it. In this line it gets faster and faster, giving the feeling of losing control. I can see why Luna wanted to spin, just from the way that you write this line. It gives me the feeling that she wanted to just get away, and be in her own world. One small nitpick though: I would write out ‘until’ because ‘till’ is generally slang that’s used more in actual speech rather than in writing.
You see, loosing my mother at the tender age of nine, I hadn’t really developed a sense of who I was.
Again, I would edit this sentence not to include ‘you’ if you can, but if not, that’s alright. Also, apparently ‘loosing’ is a word, as spell check isn’t picking it up (as I do my reviews on Word), but you’re looking for ‘losing’ in this particular sentence.
Anyway. I really love this paragraph where you talk about Luna trying to become her mom. That seems like a realistic way to cope with loss—trying to replace her mom. I can see Luna wanting to forget about what happened, and try to make her mom live on through herself. I found it interesting that you said that Luna’s father was doing this as well, because throughout this fic, he’s sort of been the bad guy, and I never got the impression that he overly cared about Luna’s mom. That just shows that no one’s what they appear to be on the outside, I suppose. I like that you wrote it the way you did, though, because it shows us that small connection that Luna has with her father—the fact that they cope with death the same way.
Slowly and deliberately, and with great effort, Luna begins to spin.
Ooh, I just love this ending line! The whole fic was marvelous, but I just love the way that you tie everything together in this last line. The last two paragraphs are describing Luna’s change as she grows older, then the note that you end on is saying that Luna is spinning, just like she used to. This gives me the impression that this spinning was something that she did for herself. Like, all the other habits that she shook were things that she did to be like her mom, but here she is, even after she’s accepted her mother’s death—spinning. It makes me think that she’s still trying to get away, or feel free, or whatever it is that she spins for. I don’t think it’s the reader’s place to know why, however. Like I said before, this seems like a habit that she does for herself.
Anyway, in case you haven’t noticed, I really did adore this story. You had such a different take on Luna’s life than any other stories that I’ve ever read about it. I don’t think that you need an AU warning, as we actually don’t know how Luna’s mom died, but you can keep your note if you see it fitting.
Guh. *headdesk* I just totally realised that I used ‘mom’ instead of ‘mum’ in this whole review. Ignore my extreme Americanness, as I am an American. >.>
Again, sorry for not completing my betaing for this story, and I hope to read more by you soon, Danielle! Cheers!
Author's Response: WOW! I wish I knew how to make that amazing smiley with its eyes popped out of its head, because I would put it a million times! 8-0 <<< That\'s the best I can come up with! Wow, lovely review, and don\'t feel bad about not finishing it! I take forever to get back to the authors I Beta for... First of all, I half agree and half don\'t agree with my use of the word \"you\". On one hand, I completely get what you mean. On the other hand, I don\'t really see how I could fit anything else in there that makes sense. If you have any tips, that would be great! And a note about the spinnning: Ha, I like your logic! I never actually really meant it to be that way :-) When I write, I don\'t really think, I just write. I don\'t usually have much reasoning for whatever I write. Ah I did it again! I used the same word, three times, close together. *scolds self* Anyway, spinning never really had a reason, it just happened. But I did do something on purpose, and that was having that connection between Luna and her father, as them seem like they are close in cannon. Thanks for the critiques, I\'ll be sure to use them! Pfttt...Americanisms? Don\'t worry, I\'m American too, and I\'m the WORST with Britisisms (wait I didn\'t spell that right). Anyway, THANK YOU RACHEL! Look out for a review of your own! It won\'t be as long though, sorry, I\'m no SPEWER. :-)
Oh, wow, this was quite the original fic! First a small nitpick: I think you need an AU warning, as this story was, well, AU!
Anyway, on to the real reviewing: I really enjoyed reading this. I loved the last battle scene; short, yet sufficient all the same.
When I first read it, I was wondering why all the restating of Harry’s days at Hogwarts? We all know the story—what’s this to do with the plot? But going back to the fic, I realise… it IS the plot! I like how you summarized Harry’s Hogwarts years; I think they were accurate to someone who hasn’t read the books, and yet, they have the right amount of emotion to have them be something that Harry was looking back on, and retelling himself.
Neville Longbottom *much sobbing* No, not Neville! /spam
and close enough to it: Ginny Weasley This line confused me, slightly. I’m not really sure what you mean by ‘close enough to it’. Do you mean she’s close enough to being dead? Yet earlier on, you referred to her as Harry’s love of his life, which gave me the impression that she was, well, alive. I think you could clear this sentence up a bit.
He learned about Horcruxes, and what they had to with Voldemort. You need a ‘do’ after the ‘to’.
He found out later in the year, along with the help of his two friends, that He, Harry Potter, was a Horcrux I see this idea in a lot of fics, but I like how it plays a roll in your plot. What I really like is that an eleven-year-old has enough maturity to know to sacrifice himself for the good of the wizarding world, even if it was just a dream. Oh, and ‘he’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
It was a bit of an odd name for a spell, but it wasn’t illegal, and it would kill the Dark Lord. I don’t think that you need the part about it being illegal, as I doubt that’s what Harry would be worrying about while trying to rid the world of Voldemort!
Harry Potter woke with a start. He sat up and realized he was at the Dursley’s home, in Dudley’s second bedroom. Britishly, ‘realized’ is spelled with an ‘s’. *enjoys being able to Brit-pick* Anyway. One thing that I’m wondering about: in the books, eleven-year-old Harry doesn’t get Dudley’s second bedroom until he’s in his second year. Is there a reason he gets it earlier on in this fic? /minor thing
Eleven-year-old Harry? This was blowing his mind! How could this be? I really like this part. I think that when we have realistic dreams, we have that feeling of ‘what’s going on!’ when we wake up. But I like how you had Harry dream up his entire Hogwarts experience, and think it had really happened. As I’ve said, this was a really original plotline.
I adore the way you ended this fic. The reader’s thinking ‘that’s it? What happens next?’ It makes me, at least, wonder about everything that Harry has in store for him for the future. Will he become The Boy Who Lived? Will he meet Ron and Hermione? Do they even exist? There’s something very creepy about the unsure note you ended this on, but I like it in that it lets the reader’s imagination think up, well, whatever it likes about Harry’s future!
Overall, this was a really fantastic read, and I enjoyed the plotline! I did, however, find a few typos/spelling errors and the like, for which I recommend a beta, but that’s optional. I can’t wait to read more from you, and see what crazy plots you come up with next! =D
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I really liked all of the constructive criticism, trust me it doesn\'t hurt my feelings. I porbably do need to go back and change a few of the details. And that was a very good catch about Dudley\'s second bedroom, lol, i didn\'t even think about that. That\'s a sign of a very good reviewer. Thank you so much for your very long review, and i will go back and change some things! Thanks again, ~Lindsey
SPEW buddy! *tackle hugs* I initially intended to read something Black-sister centric by you, but my fondness for Hermione called me to this story, and let me say, I’m very glad that I read it! It’s these kinds of stories that I really appreciate, and don’t forget about a second after I submit the review. First of all, allow me to throw a tomato at you for killing Neville. *throws tomato*
Okay, on to more important matters. The themes that you carried out through Hermione’s character really should be acknowledged more than they are, and I love seeing themes addressed in this upfront manner. I think that a speech is a great way to express the issues of raising children into a world of love rather than hate, and being able to move away from a war, to start a new life.
I also think that Hermione was the perfect character to express this through. She’s a conscientious student, so I think that if she had been approached by Professor McGonagall to make this speech, she would have gone through with it. I also think that Hermione’s someone that a lot of students would take seriously while listening to this speech. Now, onto the next thing that really stood out to me.
I love what you’ve done with Hermione’s characterization in this one shot. At first it struck me as slightly odd that Hermione wouldn’t have her speech planned and written down, but that just goes to show how many changes a person can undergo in a war. It’s probable that even the organised!Hermione that we know and love can go through severe changes. I like her line that she said to Tonks, about how she was going to give the speech from her heart. That really sounded like Hermione to me.
My biggest pet peeve with stories that go against canon is that things like graduation ceremonies and such usually aren’t justified. Therefore, I simply loved this line: Hermione had the distinct feeling that this ceremony was more about the Ministry than Minerva McGonagall. The way you wrote it into this story, I find the thought that the Ministry would have this ceremony to be a very plausible one, and could actually see this happening in canon. Another thing that I loved was McGonagall’s letter to Hermione. That seemed very professional, but also slightly friendly towards Hermione, and, well, it just struck me as very McGonagallish. Good work. :)
One nitpick: Hermione stared at the letter she had received three weeks earlier, with the results of her Newts. “NEWTs” should be capitalised.
The only other concrit that I can offer is that I think it would have worked nicely to pause during Hermione’s speech a few times, with a “she said”, or describing her facial expressions, or her position or something. The speech just seemed a bit fast paced, but on the other hand, this was a pretty fast paced one shot, so it works fine as is. That’s just something I would maybe consider.
The last line had a really inspiring effect on me. I love that the other students appreciated Hermione’s words, rather than just brushing them off. Her words had a powerful effect on me. It’s a great thought that someone can make a stand about something so important like Hermione did, and people will actually listen and try to change.
Overall, this was just a very beautiful and well written one shot, Elle! I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your work in the future – perhaps something more Bellatrixy next time. ;)
Author's Response: *wipes tomato juice from face*
Thanks so much for the wonderful review my darling SPEW buddy. I\'m glad you enjoyed my little jaunt into Hermioneville. As you know, she\'s not a character that I write a lot, but I do have a certain fondness for her. And I also felt that she would be the perfect person to make a stand. She\'s always the one to make a stand.
I was a little leery of including a gradutation after I found out that it isn\'t the norm in Britan, however, it worked best with the story, so I went with it. Blaming it on the Ministry was really just a spur of the moment thing.
Anyway, thank you again for the lovely review. You\'ve been a great SPEW buddy. *huggles*
Wow. Just wow.
I’m with you—I’m not the biggest fan of reading or reviewing poetry, but you asked, so I complied. And I’m glad that I did.
The first thing that I have to comment on is the emotion that you conveyed in this story. WOW. Really, it was unbelievable. Well, I can’t really comment on the emotion without noting the rhythm of the poem itself. The way you wrote it was just so hypnotizing, and I felt myself really caught up in reading it. It’s so fast paced and I sort of like that it’s short, because in a way it’s symbolizing the change from Tom Riddle to Voldemort, which, in this poem, was a quick change. Well, more like a gradual change leading up to a quick moment.
Of the path he set,
I think that in this line, ‘he’s’ would work better than he. Because saying that ‘he has’ set a path is like him long ago setting a goal for himself, and saying ‘he’ is like he has just set the path. At least that’s the way I interpret it. You can ignore that if you will.
I love this metaphor you have for flying throughout the entire poem. It’s like Tom Riddle wants to move on, but is being restricted by everything around him. I really like this, because I think that in canon, that was a really big factor leading into his transformation of Voldemort. Your characterization of him is just lovely. This poem seems to relate to him, in that it has such a dark feeling, like what he was aspiring to be.
I also like the way you ended it. You wrote about his struggle, and everything leading up to the end in a powerful way, and then you end it so abruptly. There’s something extremely unnerving about that part—in a way it seems like a foreshadowing of sorts. Using the word ‘dies’ in that line reminds me of all the lives that he will take when he is fully at power.
Really, this whole thing was so well thought out, and the rhythm that you used for this particular poem was incredibly fitting. Kudos for such an amazing piece of work!
/Rachel’s first attempt at reviewing poetry.
Author's Response: Did I mention how much I absolutely adore you? Thank you for this beautiful, beautiful review. You made my day!
Ahem. Yes. I would leave a SPEWing review, but as I beta'd it, it might defeat the purpose. Actually, I might just SPEW review it later. Hm. There's a thought.
Anyway, as you know, I completely adored this story! I never thought that Fred being a DE could be believable, but alas, you pulled it off!
Just thought I'd drop by to say that you pwn, and w00t for getting it accepted!
This spammilicious review has been brought to you by a one Rachel, who has no life and enjoys reviewing triplet fics.
Author's Response: Rachelsquee! *hugglespwningtripletspamalso!* Thank you so much hun - for betaing, and now for reviewing as well! And wahey for spammilicious reviews! *hearts*
Wow, what a beautiful story. I really enjoyed reading this. I loved the take on Susan and Hannah’s friendship. There really should be more fics about it. *nods* You really managed to capture that moment of saying goodbye to a dear friend wonderfully. It’s a sad thing to do, but, as you indicated with your last sentence, they’re never really gone. I like that you included that fragment of hope in such a dark time as this.
Susan had always hated winter; everything seemed to be so dead.
I loved that opening sentence. Where I usually prefer sentences that are rich with detail, this one seems so right. Such a clear-cut sentence, yet so full of emotion. Dead. What a harsh word. Just by using that word, the reader can really understand the conviction in which Susan [and myself] hate winter.
It had of course been Death Eaters, but hell would freeze over before they admitted Voldemort was back.
In that sentence, I think it may be effective to indicate who “they” are. Even though it’s obvious after having read the books, it was never actually specified in this fic. /small nitpick
Susan had understood why Hannah’s father needed her at home, but when had understanding ever made anything easier? Hannah was her best friend, what was she going to do without her? She still had Ernie and Justin, but it wasn’t the same. She had known Hannah since their first year. It had always been the two of them, Susan and Hannah.
That was probably my favorite paragraph in this story. It’s so true. People can weigh so much on just being able to understand, but understanding doesn’t make feeling any easier. This part made me picture my best friend, who I’ve been friends with for about ten years. Just the thought of saying goodbye is so… terrible. I love the way you managed to convey that connection between best friends so well. It really makes me feel for Susan. And where I understand what she’s going through, it doesn’t make it any easier to read. :)
The last paragraph is so powerful. I can really feel a shift from that dreary description of winter in the beginning of this story, to the excitement Susan’s feeling towards the end. I’m glad that she’ll get to see Hannah again. This was written in such a realistic way, that I can actually see this happening behind the scenes in the books. Because, to me, all this beautiful emotion that you put into this story makes it feel so real. Thank you for providing me this opportunity to read and review such a beautiful story. :)
Author's Response: -squee- Ah, I love long reviews. I\'m glad you thought it was realistic. I\'ve had to say goodbye to a close friend, so a little this is based on personal experience. Anyway, thank you so much for reviewing! :D
*is finally reviewing a Steph!fic*
After reading that, all I have to say is…aw! I love reading fics about how Lily and James come together, so I adored reading this and seeing your take on how it would happen. Your characterization was just guh. Beyond guh. You managed to capture proud!Lily and arrogant!James, and still make them come together in a believable way. So many J/L fics I’ve read have James and Lily just push aside their differences within a fraction of a second, so I love how Lily doesn’t let go of her grudges that quickly. Also, once Lily does know that the secret admirer is James, she doesn’t just go along with it. Even towards the end, Lily’s still stubborn as ever.
Your twist on this pairing is so cute. You lead us to believe that the secret-admirer isn’t James so well with all these “If James ever finds this guy…” lines and such. I must admit, when I read the “last person you’d expect” line, I thought it would be Snape or something. It really WAS the last person I expected, so I can picture how shocked Lily must have been! I love the way you wrote girlyflirty!Lily, but kept her characterization so flawless.
A few grammar nitpicks…
‘You’re taking the word of a guy who’s best friends with Potter? You’re seriously going to meet a boy you don’t even know is real’. That sentence needs punctuation. Also…
Who was he? ‘Of course I know that. But why are you drinking it. You’re a wizard.’ I do believe that “But why are you drinking it” needs a question mark.
Lily felt like hitting herself over the head. What had made her come out on this whim, to meet this stranger? Oh, right, James. I loved this line! It’s so ironic that the only reason that she’d break rules and go out that late was so she’d get away from James, and yet, she finds herself in this situation. *giggles* I like how you wrote that irony throughout this entire fic—Lily finding herself more interested in this secret admirer than she’d normally be, just to get back at James.
The last line was so cute! You can really tell that Lily’s trying to remain proud, but is somewhat flattered by what James has been trying to do. That’s just another example of your pwning characterization. This isn’t the fluffiest fic I’ve read, but the last line is just so romantic! It opens up so many new options for James and Lily, and there are so many possibilities about their relationship after this. [Pst. Write a sequel.] *giggles*
/long awaited review
Author's Response: Loves nitpicks, by the way. :D And thank you so much rachel dear, I love your reviews. They\'re so YOU. And heee, you caught the irony! I wanted it to be a surprise, so you caught that! Cheeky monkey!
/long awaited response.
As a matter of fact, I did enjoy reading this as much as you enjoyed writing it! =)
I loved Remus’s characterization. I’ve read very few fics about how he dealt with James and Lily’s death, and I really like how you portrayed him. It was right for him to feel hopeless after everything that had happened, but he still had enough hope left in him so not to give up everything. To most, the day after Christmas was like any other day, but to one man, it only gave him more time to think, more time to dwell on the losses of the past year. Such a wonderful line. I really see Remus as a thinker, which is just how you portrayed him in this.
Another thing that I loved was how you wrote the flashback of his school days. You summed up the important events pretty accurately, as I see it. I like how you made it so that the Marauders automatically became friends. It seems unlikely for most people to connect that easily, but the way you wrote it, I can really see it happening that way for them.
The end bit with James and Lily was very clever. It must have been hard for them to watch all of the events unfold below, without being able to say anything. I could tell that James was having difficulties watching Remus consider Sirius being a murderer and not being able tell him what had really happened. I think it’d be hard for people like Lily and James who care so much about their friends to just leave them behind, and I think you managed to capture this part of the story wonderfully.
Overall, you were right on point with your characterization. Your description was simply lovely as well. Lines like these: He liked the way that the snow felt like it could almost cover the entire world and let it start fresh again. He liked the pure, white colour of the snow as it fell over the dirty earth, hiding the bad from people’s sights, in a way., were so refreshing to read, because of their startling accuracy. You write something as simple as describing landscape in such a beautiful way, but you don’t embellish too much, which was lovely.
This was a very enjoyable read, and I’m glad I had the chance to review it. I look forward to reading [and there is a very good possibility of reviewing, as well!] more of your work in the near future!
-Knight of the Turnip Table ♥ Rachel
Kiara, Kiara, Kiara. I can’t even begin to express how beautiful this story was in a review, but I shall try. When I first beta’d this story, when I reread it for the SBBC, and rereading it now, I continue to be indescribably impressed.
First off, Fleur. Wow. Her characterization was absolutely wonderful. At first the statement that she doesn’t believe in love was rather confusing. After all, she’s the one who guys faithfully follow around, so at first I thought ‘if anyone would believe in love, it’d be her’. But the way you used that to strengthen your point that she doesn’t believe in love was incredibly well-done, and I found myself really understanding where Fleur was coming from. With lines like Ironically, this was because many of the men who met her did, and proclaimed it often when in her presence. it’s hard not to see what you mean. I thought it was very IC for Fleur to only believe in lust over love, because of her beauty. What I also loved about her was the way you wrote her relationship with her mum and her sister. From GoF we can tell just how much her family meant to her, and I loved the way you wrote that in this fic; that even though she loved Bill, she wanted her family’s approval.
Next, Bill. I absolutely loved the way you wrote Bill. From what we’ve seen of him in the books, he’s a rather calm, laid-back character. Though this fic was from Fleur’s point of view, and we didn’t see too much of him, from what you wrote, I thought you managed to capture his character wonderfully. Possibly my favourite line from him was "Because I'm me. Would you like to dance?" I love his go-with-the-flow type manner. Which brings me to the next thing I wanted to mention; the blonde-girl-kiss. Honestly, I’m torn on this bit. I can’t decide whether it strengthens or weakens his characterization. On one hand, as I mentioned above, you portrayed him as a rather go-with-the-flow type character. In this case, I can see him kissing another girl, because she happened to be there, he was upset, and it seemed like the right thing at the time. On the other hand, from his argument towards the end of this fic, the reader could really tell just how much he cared for Fleur, and I don’t think that he would be discouraged from her because of one dispute with her family.
That being said, I just loved the last section; Bill and Fleur’s argument. The kiss did have its uses; to lead up to this bit brilliantly. What I loved about this was the way you wrote both characters; both very stubborn and determined to get their points across. I love the way that you managed to keep their characterizations consistent throughout this entire fic, despite the many scenarios they were put through. Two lines that I just loved were:
"Fleur, there's one more thing I need to teach you about English. "Loved" isn't a word," he said solemnly, as Fleur looked on in confusion. "There is no past tense to "love" - if you love someone, you always will, no matter what. Like I love you." Truly brilliant, my Kiara. What I love about this line is the way you tie Bill’s love for Fleur, and Fleur’s Eenglish lessons together in one paragraph that has such a strong impact as this. This line is just so true. I think, no matter how much a person has told himself he’s moved on, if he’s loved someone, he’s going to continue to do so. I can really see Bill saying something like this. It’s like he’s been saying throughout this entire fic “You know I love you, do I honestly have to say it?” When he finally does say it, I couldn’t think of a sweeter way. The other line I loved was:
"I know because I love you. And because the sex is great," Bill added cheekily, earning him a swat from Fleur. "And because you love me too." LOL. I love the subtle humour you manage to add to this; truly brilliant job!
One last thing. I adored the way you wrote Madam Delacour. Being a single mum, I can see where she’d be especially protective of her daughters, and rather sceptic of love. The way you wrote this was so believable – I liked that her arguments against Bill were more “he’s not of good class” and “he’s not worthy of you” than “I don’t like him”. If her argument was as weak as that, I honestly don’t think your story would have come out the way it did; I think Bill and Fleur would have left right then and there. But I thought that to an extent, it was really IC for Fleur to at least listen and respect her mum before shooting down her beliefs; again, just shows how much her family means to her.
Overall, truly incredible job, darling! I read so few Bill/Fleur fics, but now I really want to start, to see other interpretations of their relationship, and see if the characterization’s as solid as the way you wrote it. ;) Kiara, dear, I’m going to have to come after you with sporks [wth, Word? ‘sporks’ is SO a word!], for I refuse to allow you to leave MNFF. I shall chain you to the site if I have to, for the world is not ready to be deprived of your fantabulous writing just yet.
Hey, Nan! I remember coming across this fic while I was modding, and, wow. This is the first piece that I’ve read by you, and I just had to come back to review it. And as much as I try to come up with anything intelligent to say, excuse my fangirl squeeing. *grins*
Every single word of this is just…beautiful. The description alone is just plain guh. From the first sentence, you had me hooked. He meets her where the silver branches glide against the sky, and the touch of the moonbeams falls soft and sensuous on her skin. The mood you set is so delicate—so romantic. None of this seems real, in that sense—at first it just seems like a fantasy; idealistic and perfect. What makes this such a brilliant fic is the way you maintain that fantasy-like state, and yet the way you describe Rowena’s emotions is so…real. The way you constantly refer back to the refrain of ‘I love him’, we as readers can really understand how she feels. That just gives us a better sense of her heartbreak when she finds out about Salazar’s darkness.
Love, his eyes promise, forever love. For years in dusty volumes she has read of love — it strengthens the heroes beyond the lot of their mortality, that they may pluck the apples of the sun and of the moon — but she never thought it could be like this, this passionate awakening sometimes silver, sometimes scarlet. Guh. I’ve read and reread this line, and all I can come up with is guh. I love the way that you put an image to love in this story. That only adds to the beautiful, fantasy-like way that you describe Rowena’s love—adding a tangible aspect to it. Aside from beautiful imagery, it really adds to our understanding of how she loves Salazar.
The silence is comforting; she can no longer tell his lies from truth — could she ever? her thoughts whisper — and she does not know if love can still exist in a world of silver lies where stones gleam with the light of the moon and every step is marked in blood. This line is so powerful. We can really see the change from the beginning of this fic, where all we saw was Rowena’s adoration for Salazar. I can tell, from this line, how she wants to hold on to that love, but knows that she can’t. Rowena has a lot of maturity, in that case—willing to give up the one person she loved because she knew it was right. It was so heartbreaking—to see her having to give up that fantasy-like love that we saw in the beginning of this. Even though we can really tell that she’s hurting, your writing and description really manages to hold on to that flawless, romantic mood that you established early on.
I adored the last line, and how you changed ‘love’ to ‘loved’. That really shows how much she had changed, however unintentionally. It really shows how she knew that she had to make the choice between the one person she loved, and everyone else she cared about.
Really, the emotion that went into every word of this simply astounded me. I really enjoyed reading this, if you hadn’t been able to tell, and I look forward to reading more by you very soon.
Author's Response: Of all the stories I\'ve written, I think this is the one I felt most distant from, emotionally speaking - so I\'m really glad you felt that there was emotion in it, because I wasn\'t sure whether or not anything would come across. I did have a lot of fun with the wording, so I\'m glad you liked the fantasy-like tone. As for the last line, I can\'t tell you how long I sat there, debating whether to write \'love\' or \'loved.\' I had a ton of reasons to go each way, and I kept on deciding on one and then going back and changing it. I finally decided on loved for the very reason you mentioned - I wanted her to have changed, and even if she kept on loving him because she couldn\'t help it, it was a different sort of love.
*squishes SPEW buddy Katty*
Right, onto official matters. Reviewing would be good, now, wouldn’t it? XD
I really enjoyed reading this fic. I loved the way that you veiled her name until the very end. I’m a fan of doing that myself. If we know who the character is, we end up thinking about what we know about them – about who we think they are. But if we don’t know, so much more is open for interpretation. When we find out who the character is, we have to adapt our views of them to what the author has written them as. It can really make you consider the possibilities for that character, whereas, if you used her name in the first sentence, I may have thought ‘No, she wouldn’t act in such a way.’ And that would be the end of that. So I really liked the way you wrote this. It makes me think that the way you wrote her is really plausible.
The only noise she heard was the eerie hiss of the creek as the water rushed past her, sounding nothing the way a creek was supposed to sound. I love the finality here. ‘The way a creek was supposed to sound.’ We can tell just from this line that this character has very set views on matters. Something like the sound of a creek could in fact, vary, but it seems that she has a set idea for what a creek may or may not sound like. I like this blatant way that she comes to terms with things in this story. She asks questions upfront, and wants an answer for what she doesn’t understand. You managed to write this throughout this fic very well. For example:
She asked why Iris had done it. Why Iris had decided to take her life. She asked why anyone could do it. So many people wouldn’t want this answer. They’d want to forget that things like this had happened, where I can tell the genuine curiosity that she has behind her words. Like I said before, I couldn’t judge her character by this, as I didn’t know who it was. But upon reaching the last line, I can look back on the rest of the story, and really see her character as this curious, upfront person that you wrote her as.
Now all she had left was the flower in her hand. The flower that had been the last symbol of Iris. The last thing Iris had given her, carrying the message ‘to remember me by.’ Iris had known then. She had known it would be the last time they would ever see each other. She clutched the flower in her hand even tighter. I love this passage. It’s such a heartbreaking thought – looking back on someone, and realising that they had known that they would never see each other again, where your main character had no idea at the time. It really makes you think. This type of thing could happen with any two people – not only Harry Potter characters. That’s why I enjoyed reading this so much. With the basic themes you carried out, and not knowing who the character was, we could really envision anyone in her place, including other characters, and real people as well. This story is so beautiful, for just that reason. It’s real.
I love the last line, and the theme of closure that you wrote. It can be hard to find closure after this type of theme, but the setting you wrote worked wonderfully. I can really see someone like Luna feeling truly at peace somewhere simplistic and calm, like a river. And where this whole fic was terribly sad, it ended on a note that leaves the reader optimistic. I like to think that we can be able to let go of sad memories, and be able to move on, like Luna did. Again, I really enjoyed the chance to read and review this, Katty. A truly beautiful piece of work. *hugs*
Author's Response: SPEW buddy! *squishes Rachel* Thank you so much for this amazing review! Wow, this is the best review I\'ve ever gotten. I\'m glad you liked the idea of keeping her name unknown until the end of the story. I was hoping it wouldn\'t be too confusing there. Thanks for all of your lovely comments! I really appreciate them. *SQUEE* *Hugs* ~ Katty
Sorry it took me so long to get around to reviewing this, dear, but no, I have not forgotten! *waves spork in the air triumphantly*
I remember being incredibly impressed with this story when I modded it, as I am reading it for a second time. Your use of first person plural point of view is simply gorgeous. Though narrated from the POV of the Prewett brothers, the use of ‘we’ makes it sound like it’s being spoken from the narration of a larger group. Good against evil, if you will. This theme is only strengthened by beautiful lines like ‘We are not afraid to fight. We are not afraid to die.’ Though we know very little about the Prewett brothers, I think that this is a very interesting way of characterizing them. Being related to Molly, I can see that similar thread of defiance running through them. Molly really strikes me as a brave person who would die for a cause, and I can see that in the way you characterized her brothers.
This first paragraph was absolutely stunning. Silence and motion — ever a circle. I had to stop and think about this line for a few minutes. When used like this, I usually see phrases like ‘silence and noise’ or ‘motion and stillness’. ‘Silence and motion’, however, was a new one for me. But when I thought about it, I really began to understand this theme, and how it related to the war and this piece of fanfiction. Then you have this gorgeous duality: Silence - with death perhaps - awaiting the end of its stillness. Motion, escape? Or fall… Silence was waiting. Motion was taking action. This sentence helped to further my understanding of this theme. It’s not only silence and motion, but what they represent, that plays a role in this one piece of writing, and life in general.
Living is defending. Living is the vastness that represents motion between small — short — breaths of stillness. We live to protect. I loved this line. What a stunning example of the Prewett brothers’ characterization. What you’re saying here is that they live for motion; live for taking action. But even they have those moments of stillness; of silence. Again, such a gorgeous duality. I love the way that you write silence and motion relying on each other in this fic. Also like in the following passage:
Dust still swirls — soundlessly as it prepares to drift to a still. Silence is the opportune moment for victory; the balancing of worlds (of triumph and disaster) teeters precariously — an opportune moment before MOTION. (and fall). I love how you say ‘silence is the opportune moment for victory.’ What you’ve been saying in this piece is that the Prewetts lived for motion; for fighting. Yet here, you allow them to rely on silence for a solitary moment. What it comes down to, is that silence is the result of motion. Yet in a never-ending cycle, people who live to fight like the Prewetts move on to fighting once more after each victory. Then I look up and see that line that I was struggling with before. Silence and motion — ever a circle. Now all I can really do is smile and say ‘oh. I get it.’
We are not afraid to die.
Wow. Just…wow. In all of the beauty of this fic, the last line really caught me. It’s been forever since I’ve cried while reading a story. However, this line literally brought me to tears. On one hand, it doesn’t seem fair that someone willing to devote their lives to defend and protect, have to actually give their lives. On the other hand, because you put this line so craftily after “Avada Kedavra”, we can see that they didn’t regret their lives ending the way they did. Which is just…wow. I love this theme of good and evil that you have going – even though the lives of two people were lost, they continue to fight for their cause.
This was a truly incredible fic, Suzie. I was very impressed at the theme you conveyed, and how you managed to capture two characters we know nothing about so perfectly. I’m really looking forward to reading more by you in the very near future!
Author's Response: Rachel!! :D *hugs* Thanks for the awesome review! Sorry it’s taken me so ong to get round to responding…urgh. I procrastinate way too much.
Hmm… well in my eyes the Prewetts are “true Gryffindor” type people. They are the aurors who know the extent of what they are fighting for and though it would be unrealistic probably for them to have no fear at all, I think that they have learnt to pass this fear by thinking of how they are benefiting the world. Selfless, huh.
The phrase “Silence and Motion” is the title of a Final Fantasy piece; I’m not actually too keen on that piece of music but the title is ♥ . This story was originally a drabble, and though I don’t remember cutting a lot out of that drabble there was a lot that I would have added in, theme wise. && this silence and motion theme was one of them. I’m not too good at writing action, and besides I didn’t want the whole story to be all-action with the sudden stop at the end. I wanted to emphasise all the still moments in the battle, the tension, the starts and ends. Etc.
I’m glad you like the “silence is the opportune moment for victory” part. Again, I was trying to get at tension here. Like when each side is waiting for the other side to make a move – it’s times like that where one side can really take a lead and victory can be gained.
Sorry the last line brought you to tears! *hugs and hands tissues* I’m glad you like it though. :) I was afraid that this part would lose its effect in a fic as in the drabble, but apparently not. :D
…I bet my response doesn’t even make sense, I just responded paragraph to paragraph really. Anyway, thank you so much for the fantastic review! *huggles*
SARAH! *tacklesquish* First off, let me express my regret that I’d never read anything by you before I read your rare-pair the other day, and my thankfulness that I was presented the opportunity to read and review this lovely story. :D
Let me start by saying how much I luuuurve the first paragraph. I can tell from the gorgeous imagery that I’m going to love this story already. The line There are only a few stars in the night sky, but they and the crescent moon are enough to display the outlines of buildings against the deep blue of her surroundings does a fabulous job setting the scene for me; I can literally close my eyes and picture this. And also; hoorah for present tense! Where it can be rather confusing and angst-worthy to write [or at least that’s my experience], I really enjoy reading these stories. There’s something so genuine about them that makes me prefer them to past tense fics. It makes me feel like I could be there, really. Therefore I must conclude that you did an excellent job of setting this up so that the reader can really feel for Lavender.
Possibly my favourite line in this fic was: Perhaps she feels nothing because she has no reason to. Such a simple sentence, yet so profound in many ways. I’ve never thought of feeling as something that you do by earning, and yet, the way you present this sentence makes that such a plausible thought. She isn’t doing anything, therefore she isn’t feeling anything. It makes so much sense that way.
For in her mind, if she does not enter the house, it is not real. That’s another sentence that I absolutely adore. Lavender in this story seems so real. I love how you used this to portray her as a normal character; someone who never would have thought that she would be affected by the war, because nothing was supposed to happen to her. Going back to what I said above; you did a more than excellent job of making the reader feel like they could be in Lavender’s situation. In the books she’s just another character that I don’t really think about, but in this story she’s someone who’s so relatable. That’s really the key to writing a believable and well-fleshed out character. Kudos my love. :D Another thing that I really liked about this was that it was her parents that she lost, rather than someone that she loved romantically. It added a nice twist to your typical losing-someone-in-the-war story. The denial that she’s feeling is also really…real? I felt for her when she said that she didn’t want to go to their funeral; that must be a hard thing to have to go through, but it must also take courage to avoid it altogether.
Somehow she has found comfort in the complexity of the stars. Another brilliant line. :D I think that makes a lot of sense; finding comfort in something that’s fixed, and will always stay the same, past your life. It does make your worries feel a lot smaller, knowing that you’re such a small part of the world. This really is a comforting thought, and I think the way you wrote Lavender’s acceptance of this was lovely.
But in the morning she will return here and walk through that door, and she will accept what has happened. That’s really a huge step for Lavender. From what we saw of her in the beginning of this fic, she was afraid and insecure. I really liked how one small event could trigger this courage within her. Though this story was rather sad and angsty [I’m sure Patrick was proud :D], you ended it on a note of hope, which I always adore in fics. It’s such a lovely thought, really, thinking that even though you’ve undergone such a terrible tragedy, you’ll be able to move on someday. Such a beautiful theme, my Sarah, helped along by even more beautiful writing. I love the way you wrote her encounter with Harry; it was seemingly insignificant, and yet it made her realise, ‘hey, I DID survive, didn’t I?’ Harry’s role was wonderful; important, but not important because it was Harry; he was just another character. If that made any sense. *shifty eyes*.
I really enjoyed reading this story, my love, and look forward to reading more of your work soon! *squishes*
-your destiny twin
Author's Response: Yay! You picked this story! I must say that although this story only has a few reviews, those ones are fantastic. :D I\'m a firm believer in the first paragraph being a good one - you really have to entice the reader in order for them to properly enjoy the whole story - so it\'s lovely to hear that you thought I wrote a good one! And whee for present tense! I love writing it and I love reading it. One of the things that makes this story amongst my personal favourites is that the words just flowed out when I wrote it, and that actually seems to have worked! [And I love it when people pick out sentences that they especially liked so hee!] I\'m pleased that you thought the loss of parents was appropriate, because I just felt it seemed better under all the circumstances to do that. I actually think it\'s not really appreciated enough in writing that losing your parents at such an age often is much harder than losing a lover. So yes - I\'m not sure it was necessarily a conscious decision, but it\'s nice to know it was a good one. Yes, having Harry walking down that street seemed the best way to go, as he\'s the sort of person who would be rushing to somewhere with only a little time to stop [ and I tried to keep the encounter as short as possible, since it didn\'t really need to be lengthy] and I agree that when it comes down to it, it matters very little who the person actually was. [ *giggles* Yes, you made sense!] Thank you ever so much for this fabulous review, and please do go read some more! It\'s wonderful that you liked this. :D
No, I didn’t forget that I was going to review something by you for that stunning banner you made me—just doing it at the last possible second! I hope it’s alright that I chose to review this one, but the one-shotness was calling me. *shifty eyes*
I was incredibly impressed with this fic, Stacey. I’ve read a few stories about Harry’s transformation into a Dark Wizard, but I’d yet to come across one that does it successfully in one chapter. Until now, that is.
I simply loved the narration—the way it was an overlook of a long period of time, but you included those little details that really matter. What I really love is how you characterized Harry—it was as though he was aware of his transformation, but was convincing himself that it was taking place for a good reason. He seemed to justify every action as a way to stop Voldemort, when we could really see what was happening to him. I think that the way you wrote him was very accurate to his canon character—very proud and independent. Even when he was changing, you managed to stay consistent with his characterization throughout. Kudos. ;) Your take on the deathly hallows was very original—making it into an intangible thought. I never considered it that way, but now it seems rather plausible.
I love the concept of gone in this fic. In so many fics, it’s portrayed as death, but here, it’s portrayed as darkness. In a way, that’s very true—being gone only when you lose touch with those things that really matter to you. The way you wrote the Dark Arts as calling to Harry was simply haunting. We could see him slipping away to that form of gone, but he was too mesmerized to see this himself.
My only nitpickism:
I had to hold on to that part of me - to remember what it was like to
I should have listened to him.
That first line should have some form of punctuation. Even if you want to cut it off, I think a dash would work.
Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this fic! The whole idea was just wonderful, not to mention the fabulous writing. I look forward to reading more by you soon!
Author's Response: Thank you very much! Your review made me smile when I read it. And I am so very glad you liked the banner :)
This was a very impressive fic! The thing that I loved the most was the imagery. It’s been a while since I read a fic which such imposing detail as this. This first paragraph really caught my attention. Around him, fog billowed like heaven’s robes, dirtying its hems as it brushed against the grounds of Hogwarts. This line is so unbelievably gorgeous. The personification really gives me a better idea of the landscape here, and throughout this entire fic you write in such a captivating way; so rich with detail that it almost seems like something out of a fairytale.
Her blonde hair was oddly plastered to her face like melted plastic, blue eyes open swallowing the rain. Wow. This image of Luna is absolutely stunning. The part about her eyes seems very IC for her; even though it’s just describing her appearance. Luna seems like a character that’s full of wonder and thoughtfulness, and the line about swallowing the rain really compliments this part of her character.
In this entire fic, you managed to capture Luna brilliantly, in my opinion. It’s obvious that she’s grown up, but then there are those lines, like the one about the mud, that show her as the playful youth that we read her as. One thing that I thought was interesting was this line. Part of her hated that he had made her see things as they really were, while another part knew that was the only reason she loved him. I thought that this was a great way to characterize Luna. We can see that she’s grown up from the carefree person she used to be, helped along by Draco, but this line indicates that this wasn’t an easy change for her to undergo. This line provides a lot of explanation for Draco and Luna’s relationship, which I thought was excellent. You didn’t say how they got together, but you told about how they were together.
Another part that I thought was great about Luna was the paragraph explaining her loving the mud. I thought that this fit very well with the description that you provided above; Luna holding on to certain aspects of her childhood.
I also loved the way that you wrote Draco. Where Luna didn’t want to grow up, that’s all that Draco cared about. A typical example of “opposites attract.” Possibly my favourite line in this fic was “Then you know my answer.” And he left, his footsteps in the mud fading as a new veil of rain shined the ground. I thought this was very IC for Draco. He seemed to have his mind set on leaving, and I don’t think he would have been deterred by Luna’s wishes, as he said himself that he didn’t love her anymore. Not to mention that this created gorgeous imagery.
One thing that I think was a bit OOC for Draco was the kiss. It seems like he’s trying to move on throughout this entire fic, and then in that instance acts like he’s in love with Luna again. Personally, I think that what he feels for Luna is more gratitude for changing him - as you said with lines like “I’m redeemed because of you” - more than the lust that the kiss portrayed. Then again, you’re the one who really knows what they’re thinking; this is just my attempt at interpreting it. ;)
I adored the note that you ended this on; leaving Draco and Luna’s fates up to the reader. I think that this would work well with a sequel. I’m not saying that you should write one (as I hate when people say that to me), but I think that there’s a lot of doors you left open, yet not enough so that this doesn’t work as a piece standing on its own, which it does. :) Overall, this was a very impressive fic to read! You have a truly lovely writing style, and I can’t wait to read more of your work!