Hello, there! I happened to stumble across my author page when I suddenly realized... I haven't updated it in two and a half years. So. Uhm. Here we are.
My name is Rachel, and if you're looking at my bio, I'm guessing it's for one of the following reasons. If that's the case, allow me to assist you:
Mod: Though I spent a year and a half working for the site, I am no longer a mod. If you're concerned as to why your Harry/Hermione fic hasn't made it out of the queue, I'm no longer the person to ask.
SBBC: This is a group on the forums which is devoted to discussing fanfiction, also known as the owner of a significant portion of my heart and soul. I was a member of the SBBC for three years and the leader for two, and I will say that in all my time in fandom, I have loved nothing as much as the SBBC. Unfortunately due to time constraints I had to step away, so if you're interested in joining, I am no longer the person to contact. But please, head over to the forums and check out the SBBC and talk to the lovely people who are currently in charge. It's wonderful. :)
SPEW: I am no longer a member of SPEW on the forums. If you still wish to review for me, which I would endlessly appreciate, I would love any concrit on Last Chance to Lose Control, Talk Tonight, Admiration, Candles Burn, The Best Things Are Left Unwritten, Endlessly, She Said, or Christmas Snow. Please don't bother with anything older than that; my most ancient fics are frankly poorly-written beyond repair. I keep them up solely to placate those who've enjoyed them.
Beta: I do infact beta - my name at the PI site is lily_evans34. I am not currently looking to beta anything new, but I'll keep you posted if that changes.
Drabbles: I've taken up drabbling again recently, and you can find my drabbles in The Three Broomsticks forum. I would love any feedback you have to give regarding those.
I'm a college student, though I was in middle school when I joined this website. Can you believe that?! Though I suppose now is not the appropriate time for nostalgia...
Ahem. Like I said, I'm a college student majoring in Linguistics, slowly working my way to fluency in Italian and French. In my free time I read, play tennis, update my MNFF author page that I'm guessing no one will ever read, and my pie chart of obsessions can be evenly distributed between Harry Potter, Les Miserables, and Doctor Who. There isn't much else to know.
I'm not currently active on MNFF, but who knows, maybe one day I shall return. I love this place. :)
My Fics - oldest to most recent.
This Little Thing Called Love
DELETED FROM MNFF.
Thanks for all the support for this fic, and I'm sorry to those who enjoyed it.
Let The Rain Fall
Harry/Ginny one shot. I've gotten some lovely reviews, but this isn't my favourite. This shows a perfect example of my earlier writing style... I've much improved since then. 'Much' being the key word.
General one-shot about Cedric during the night of the Third Task. Again, shows my earlier writing style off pretty well. Read only if you must.
A Hedwig One Shot written for the Owls challenge by lily_evans34 of Ravenclaw. Not my favourite.
I Never Knew You
Andromeda visits her sisters grave and writes a letter, explaining everything she had ever wanted to say. This is one of my favourites by me. My writing has matured, but I like the concept I had going.
Written for the Monthly Challenge: Great Love by lily_evans34 of Ravenclaw. James/OC. Not author recommended. Please don't SPEW review this one. Or read it. It's awful. Really.
A Life Worth Living
Angelina is having regrets about her upcoming wedding. Fred/Angelina.
Ever wonder what made James change for Lily? Fluffy James/OC one shot.
All Hermione can hear is the darkness. This is probably my most experimental, and I'd love some feedback here!
Endlessly She Said
Written for the SPEW 007 - prompt: "chase". Based on the beautiful song by AFI.
FEATURED: 4/22 - 4/30
The Best Things Are Left Unwritten
This is what happens when Lily Evans stays up writing late into the night. Short and sweet Sirius/Lily one shot toward which I have a certain fondness.
For my Sarah
Ron and Hermione, the day after the last battle. I would appreciate any feedback you have to offer here.
For my Suya
Sometimes you'll find comfort in the least likely of places. A bar-confession story of sorts, about despair, redemption, and hope.
Last Chance to Lose Control
Hermione has lost faith in everything, in everyone - except Draco. My first D/Hr in years.
For Suya - Happy Birthday!
The Sun is Gone Before It Shines
This story can be found under the penname 'Katchel'. It's a joint Ron/Hermione fic written by myself and ms weasley for our 'triplet', Kiara.
Please read and drop a review!
Yeah, I absolutley LOVE that song. My friends get bored when I play it to them, but I just have better taste. *cough, cough* Anyway, when will your next story be up? I haven't been able to find a good sad-fic recently. (I have a tendency to respond to author's responses, I'm just weird like that, lol :)
Author's Response: *thinks about question..* Well, I'm hoping within the next couple weeks (I know, it sounds like a long time, but It takes about a week to get approved). I could send you a message when it's up if you'd like. But it's going to be a long story, just to warn you. If you want to P.M me my forums name is avada_kedavra_this.
I loved that!! It was such a sweet story. I think that you wrote Harry and Luna's characters perfectly. Harry/Luna isn't exactly canon, but the way you explained their actions/thoughts made this the most canon H/L I've ever read. (If that made sense.) Their characters were just like they were in the books, and I thought that was great. I also loved the Hermione/Ron shippiness. I am a huge H/R shipper, so any fic with even a little romance between them is great. My favorite line was 'Keeper of the Snogs.' How did you come up with that? I was laughing SO hard when I read it. Anyway, this was an over-all wonderful story. GREAT job!
~ lily_evans34 aka mrs_tom_riddle
I thought that was very sweet. I loved the romance in it. Charlie's character is never much described in the books, but you wrote him in a way that I imagined him to be. This story was really sad, but really cute as well. I've never thought of Hermione and Charlie as a pair, but they seem to work together. I just loved this really original plot line. This story is amazing. I give you an imaginary 10. Great job!
~lily_evans34 aka mrs_tom_riddle
Steph, I know that you will never read this, but I just want you to know how I felt. I can't believe how much I regret not giving you a review in return for the amazing review that you gave me. But here I am.
That was truly amazing. Your descriptions and language were flawless; it flowed so smoothly that I never took my eyes off it until I was finished. I never knew that you were this good of a writer. I should have read your stories a long time ago.
I know that you are gone, and you'll never get a chance to know how I felt about this amazing story, or you as a person, but I feel like I need to do something for you. I just wanted you to know that we all love you, and you will always be in our hearts.
Wow, this was really good!!!!! It was so sad; i cried! I think that you captured the moment perfectly. It was really great, and I'd give it a 100, but I'll just have to settle with 10...
Author's Response: My friend just high-fived me for fianlly making someone cry! Thank you, I'm glad you liked it - it's one of my better ideas for a fic ... meaning they're usually really lame. I'm happy you think I captured it right - that was really ijmportant to me. Thanks for reviewing!
Author's Response: My friend just high-fived me for fianlly making someone cry! Thank you, I'm glad you liked it - it's one of my better ideas for a fic ... meaning they're usually really lame. I'm happy you think I captured it right - that was really important to me. Thanks for reviewing!
I’ve read and reread this, and that’s all I can come up with. *giggles*
[And thus Rachel begins her foray into reviewing a humour fic.]
That was such a cute story. I love reading about Mr Weasley and Muggle inventions—it’s always great to see how people have him react to using certain inventions. I thought the computer was a great thing to write about, because, obviously, all of us pretty much live on the computer. It’s funny to think about how something as simple as a mouse to us could be complicated to someone who’s never heard of it. I thought it was funny when he was looking around, trying to find a rodent to click. In regards to that part… “I have to click a mouse? Wouldn’t it squeak if I tried to click it? Besides, I don’t see a mouse around here.” For some reason, I think that line would work better if you don’t use the past tense, and say ‘Won’t it squeak if I try to click it?’ I dunno…I suppose that’s just a personal preference, but it still caught my eye.
Another line that I couldn’t help giggling at was: However, she had a feeling he wasn’t paying much attention to her words as she heard a loud exclamation come from him as the monitor came to life. I love how you personified the monitor in this sentence—it had a very hilarious effect! Even though your explanations are simple in this fic, you still manage to give us a clear image of them all gathered around the computer.
I loved how you had Hermione’s homepage be ‘Mugglenet’! All I can think to write is…LOL! *tries to come up with something more intelligent*. It’s really interesting, the way you have it written—all of them looking at a page about themselves. It’s sort of like an alternate-reality kind of thing. I thought that was clever how you had them read fanfiction as well—it gives me an image of Harry, Hermione, and Mr Weasley reading something I’ve written. *giggles*
This was a wonderful humour fic, Karin, because you took a simple idea—Mr Weasley using a computer—and didn’t make it too complicated, but yet managed to write a very entertaining piece, here! I honestly don’t think my review can convey how much I enjoyed reading this, but, well, I really did! I hope to read more by you very soon!
*hugs SPEWly buddy*
Author's Response: *hugs Rachel back* I\'m so glad you enjoyed my writing. I did think about the verb tense thing you brought up and I can see your point. My use of the past tense has come from all the analytical writing I\'ve had to do for all of my English classes. I\'ve gotten so comfortable with the past tense that I pretty much write everything in the it. *sigh* Anyway, the fact that you liked the story makes me smile, and I\'m glad you reviewed it. :)
That was GREAT! I loved the repitition. It was really well written. Go Ravenclaw!
Author's Response: Absolutely - Ravenclaw all the way! Poetry\'s not usually my area, but I\'m glad this one\'s apparently turned out well - thank you very much for reviewing!
That was lovely. It's full of emotion, and very well written. Nice job!
Omg, Omg, dude, i know you wanted me to log out of you when you left, but this is too good to not revew right away. I love that you had ginny take off the ring and i love the memory... dude this is soo good, i wouldn't dare mock it... dude, i love this... you're an amazing fanfic writer... you should write a book... really...
your very awsome possydog,
Author's Response: Hello, Emily. (This is my friend reviewing using my account; I\'m not vain enough to write that!) Thank you for the review. On my own account. Why did you keep calling me dude? My grandma wants me to write a book before she dies, so now that there\'s 2 of you, I should get right on it. Anyway, possy is spelled posse, as I just found out. C ya tomorrow.
I thought that was very good. It was the side of the story that nobody’s ever seen, and you wrote it very well. Here’s a few minor grammar nit-picky issues that you might want to look at, however;
“That day, those words [no comma] were life changing.”
”Cho loved Cedric, but at the same time she hated him. Hated him for signing up for the Triwizard Tournament. Hated him for always doing stuff just for the adventure. That’s probably why he was chosen.”
There, I basically rephrased what you wrote, but it seems more powerful this way.
”Cho continued to hide away in her room until almost the start of the next term. As she was packing her trunk, her sister Amy entered Cho’s room.”
The name Amy seems a bit, well, I don’t know an exact word for it. I really like the name, but it doesn’t seem to fit with “Chang” and it doesn’t quite seem like Cho’s parents would name their kids “Cho” and “Amy.” The names are nice, though they don’t really seem to go together.
“Amy was her favorite sister.”
Could you expand a little bit on that? Why was she her favorite sister? Maybe you could just add a sentence or two in there about how Amy seemed to understand Cho better, or whatever it is. Also, does she have more than one sister? Maybe you should mention that, as well.
”Amy pushed aside a pile of clothes and sat down on the bed. Cho sat down next to her. Cho didn’t want to talk about Cedric. She couldn’t.”
I think that you should change the second “Cho” to “She.” It’s just less repetitive.
“You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to,” Amy said.
“Maybe later. I don’t think I can talk about it right now.”
“That’s okay. Let me know when you want to talk.” She stood up and left.
In that second line, you should take out “talk about it,” so that you have, “I don’t think I can right now.” You just seem to use ‘talk’ quite a lot in this part.
“Of course. We’ll use floo powder.”
Here I’d say something more like, “Of course. We’ll leave now,” or something like that, because the part about the floo powder just doesn’t seem to fit in with the sad mood of this story.
It was true that Cho needed new books, but she needed to get out of the house. And she really wanted to be with Amy, just for a few hours.
I changed that to two sentences, because it was a bit of a run-on.
“I’m hungry,” one of her friends said. “Let’s get something to eat.”
That’s two sentences.
Cho now felt just the way she did during the summer. She felt like everything was hopeless. Again, she struggled just to get through each day, not wanting to face people. Most importantly, she felt like she would never be able to talk to Harry again, like she should always [have to] avoid him.
I know I may seem very nit-picky, and critical, but those were just a few grammar issues that I thought I’d point out. Overall, I loved this story. You portrayed Cho’s complex personality wonderfully. Great job!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for all the suggestions.
Wow. I thought that was very good. It was a very interesting concept, and I loved your description. Mind if I nit-pick a bit? Their were a few small grammar things that I would like to point out; but nothing big! :)
Tom watched the waves below him. From the dominant position over the sea, he could see very far into the horizon, where the sea and the black-pitched sky kissed and gave birth to the stars and the moon high above him; a paradise and its mirror. The scent of sea brought by waves of wind reached his face, caressing his body.
You say ‘sea’ quite a lot, here. Perhaps try ‘ocean’ or ‘waves’ or ‘the deep’ or something else, in place of it once or twice. It gives your story more variety.
His only friends were fear and power… and death.
I can quite honestly say that I don’t understand that sentence. Doesn’t he fear death? I don’t quite understand how it is his friend. I’m a bit confused, here. Maybe it's before his fear of death? Could you just clarify that part for me?
At the simple sight of him, they lowered their heads in panic, fearful of his power and walked away as fast as they could, and even though this had brought some peace and rest, it had also tortured his young heart so needed of love.
This sentence seemed quite long. Since you are describing his heart with the ‘so needed of love’, wouldn’t you put a semicolon or a comma in front of that phrase? I can’t remember which, though I think that it would make the sentence seem less like a run-on. It isn’t quite a run-on, but I still think that it could be shortened.
Tom slowly stood up, fathoming the consequences and blessings of giving that last step. He would get rid of his pain, of his burden of isolation from affection and of his dark side. This was his only path ahead for redemption, his only door to heaven.
Not sure if I’m right about this, but isn’t Heaven capitalized when it’s talking about the place? I don't quite remember that, though, so I’d check if I were you.
His own personal hell [that] his life had turned into would finally freeze to let his starlight soul fly free.
The ‘that’ makes this sentence make more sense. It’s what you mean, anyway, but the way this sentence was worded, I had to re-read it a few times to understand it.
But as he sailed the wind, he only wished one thing… to feel at least for the shortest of time what was to love.
I really liked this part. I got really into it, and I forgot that I was searching for things to nit-pick. But, here, do you mean ‘what it was to love’? I think that would make more sense, though I see where you’re coming from either way.
But his power started to falter away when the young boy’s tears turned into despair, making his figure drop lower, like a wrecked ship, towards the blazing sea. He couldn’t feel love. No matter how much he wished it, he couldn’t feel something he didn’t know.
Don’t worry, I’m not picking apart this section. I just thought I’d say that I absolutely loved it. It seemed to capture Tom Riddle so well, and tie together everything you’ve written so far. This is really nice.
He yearn the one thing that was completely unknown to him.
Do you mean ‘yearned’? If you say ‘yearn’, that’s switching to present tense.
Why he had to give up everything, when everything had been denied to him?
I don’t quite understand this; the way it was phrased. I think you mean ‘Why [did he have] to give up everything, when everything had been denied to him?’ Unless you’re going in a different direction with this sentence?
It was this hate what made his heart boil, fueling his power, giving him the chance to break through the surface of the sea into the dark wind of the night.
‘This hate that made his heart boil…’? That seems to make more sense.
His lungs welcomed the air, but his heart damned every living thing over the surface of earth. No one had ever cared for him, why would he care for them?
Ok, I tend to use semicolons more than I should, but I believe that that last comma should be a semicolon.
I really liked that. I know I’m a bit of a grammar freak, but I did really like this story. It was so different than anything I’ve ever read. It was so unique, and wonderfully written. I thought this was a very pleasurable read, with some very nice descriptions.
I would also like to comment on your characterization. I thought that you did an amazing job of portraying Tom Riddle, and how he became Voldemort. I’m one of the people who believe that he did once have a heart, so I thought that was very realistic, and interesting, the way you portrayed him. Like I said before, this was unique, but very wonderfully written! Great job, and imaginary 10/10!
Author's Response: *Gasps* Wow! I feel so special! This is the longest review I have every received! (Hmm... now that I come to think about it, that could be bad. It would mean that I had a lot of mistakes ^_^\' ) Well, first of all, thank you very, very much for taking the time for such a thoughtful review. So you know, I\'m correcting the things you pointed as I write this (well, not literally, but you know what I mean :P ).
Ok, now down to business. When I wrote that death was his friend, I meant it as the act of seeding death amongst others, not so literally. Though I see what you try to point out :)
Now, about the run-on sentence, I just modified that sentence to make it shorter. Hope it is prettier now :D
Hmm... I\'m not sure either if it is \'heaven\' or \'Heaven\', so I checked it in Merriam Webster online dictionary and it says it is often capitalized. It is now capitalized :)
Oh, and I added the \'that\' and the \'it\' where you suggested, too!
Ah, I too liked that part a lot. Maybe what I liked the most of that part was the comparison with a wrecked ship. However, my favorite line of the whole story is: \"His own personal hell that his life had turned into would finally freeze to let his starlight soul fly free.\" Don\'t ask me why, though :)
Actually, I applied all the changes you suggested. I have to say it again: thank you very, very, very much for such a thoughtful review! I\'d be happy if you were my beta *hint* :)
Ah, what can I say to a great reviewer besides thank you? I\'m so glad you took the time read and correct me whenever it was need. I had been wishing for this type of review for sooo long. Thank you for making it happen :)
Author's Response: Agh, I still need to get the grip to the format in here :)
Thanks! I'm glad you appreciated the revisions! Some people take everything personally, even when it's constructive. And no, your story didn't have a lot wrong with it! I just like to nit-pick a lot, for some reason...
It's a little after the fact, but if you ever need a beta for a one-shot, I've got an add on the forums, second page, the last time I checked, in the beta services for sale, with the same username. I currently don't have any projects, but if you ever would need a beta, I'd be happy to! Only if you would like me to, of course. Just letting you know that I'm actually available, if you need someone!
[/spammy response to your responce]
Author's Response: I love people who nit-picks :) They help me see all my little (or gigantic) mistakes.
Ah, thank you very, very much (I suppose my hint was not too subtle :P ). Right now I\'m working on a chaptered story, but I\'m completely sure that at some point I\'ll have a rush of inspiration to write something that has nothing to do with that story. All those rushes of inspiration are normally no longer than a one-shot, so I\'ll look for you the next time :) Thank you very much for offering, and again, thank you for your thoughtful review!
I was SSSSOOOOO upset at that music video, also! *Is loyal VH1 watcher* Anyway, I think you accurately portrayed Dani in this fic! Nice job!
Wow, that was… amazing. I just adored this plot, and your descriptions. Mind if I nit-pick for a minute? I really found no big grammar mistakes, but I do have a few stylistic things that I would like to say.
The sun dawned pale and cold on the huge mansion, doing nothing to improve its appearance.
I would use a different word instead of ‘huge’. Perhaps ‘massive’, ‘immense’, or ‘colossal’ or something of the sort. Overall, it just gives a more impressive feeling than ‘huge’.
He looked at his son like he was the weed, the vile unworthy excuse of life that shouldn’t be there. It had hurt.
I loved this simile. It was very original. One thing: I think that you would use a semicolon after weed, instead of a comma.
He closed his cold eyes, so like his parents’, and brushed his hair out of his face, which was also his parents’. But unlike his parents, he didn’t feel the attachment for this place.
What catches me here, is how much you say ‘parents’. I think that it was intended, but if it were me, I would say ‘But unlike them…’ just to show some more variety.
He detested the books and the blackness of it, the loneliness, the abandon.
The books? Hm… that part throws me off guard. The other three things you mention; the blackness, loneliness, and abandon, all relate to each other, and are in a way very profound, and it seems like books is just stuck in there. If you had to mention that he hates the books, maybe that could be it’s own sentence, or you could start a new sentence saying how he hates the physical things about the house, as well as the blackness, etc…
He had what most people dreamed of; wealth, a huge house, servants, parents, private tutors…
Again with the ‘huge’ thing! I would use another synonym. It’s not a bad word, though this piece is rather deep, and I think that you could easily find another word to better represent your whole story.
But he didn’t want any of it. He wanted to go out and play with the boys across the lake, race them across the grass in bare feet and fall over laughing. He wanted to catch the eye of the quiet little girl that watched the boys play, and picked the roses from the garden; the one with the eyes like a deer.
He never did.
I think that you should either combine this last sentence with the previous paragraph, or start a new paragraph. It’s like it’s half joined with the last paragraph. This may just be a typing error, but I think that you should change it so that it fits the rest of the fic well.
They did what they were told, without question. They’re completely and utterly without their own identity, he thought, molded by their parents and shoved around by me.
I think that here, you should italicize when he’s thinking. It seems like you switched tenses, if you don’t.
Look at Weasley.
Here, it’s like you addressed the readers, by telling them to look at Weasley. I think that you should either italicize that, so that Draco is thinking it, or rephrase it.
Even the thought of the name made him sneer, and then he felt repulsed. No matter, it was beyond changing. He was too far in, couldn’t back up. He’d been too far in since that day all those years ago when his father had hurt him just by looking. Just like them now, aren’t I? But I don’t want to be.
Again, I’d italicize.
He hated himself, hated Potter, hated everyone. Hated the people that ignored him, hated the people who loved to taunt him, hated the people he insulted, the Mudbloods and half-breeds, but most of all he hated the man who tried to help him.
Woah, long sentence! I think that theoretically, you should break this up for grammar reasons, but I think that keeping it run-onish makes it powerful in a way. I’d just take the “But most of all he hated the man who tried to help him,” and make it a new sentence.
Trusted that his parents were right because they were his parents.
Here, I would add an ‘only’ or ‘just’ before the because. It seems to make more sense like that.
You don’t question the people that are supposed to love you and have supposedly done everything in the world for you.
Again, you switched to second person perspective. I would say “Draco didn’t…” so you keep it in third person.
They don’t mess up, they don’t make mistakes. They’re faultless, and anything they’re blamed for is someone else’s fault.
I think you should change this to: “They don’t mess up, they don’t make mistakes. They’re faultless, and anything they’re blamed for is someone else’s error.” Because then you won’t use fault twice so close together.
The world was at war, and he was a part of it. He didn’t know which side would win, but realized he was on the wrong side and would probably die on that side.
Again, you use the words twice two close together. I would change this to something like: “The world was at war, and he was a part of it. He didn’t know which side would win, but realized he was on the wrong side and would probably die where he was,” so not to use ‘side’ twice.
Opening his eyes to the cold room, the immaculately clean room.
This doesn’t make much sense. I would say “He opened his eyes…” because this isn’t a complete thought, if you don’t.
I really liked that, despite my minor grammar corrections. I think that you capture Draco perfectly; what he was thinking, how he felt afterwards… I really liked that. It was wonderfully written. Great job!
Um... Wow? I don't think that quite covers it, lemme think. Nope, 'wow's as cloes as I can get. That was amazing!
Let me start off by saying that I never read slash. It creeps me out. Really. But this story was so captivatinly written, that I just had to love it.
Just like Jenna said: this story was real. So, so... real. Like how you included that Susan's parents weren't okay with her being a lesbian, becaues in a lot of slash fics, everyone is just fine with it, and that sort of upsets me, because sad as it is, life isn't like that. Susan being shy around Hannah, and trying to hide her true self just highlights how real it is.
Another thing that I love about this is the flow. Just like in 'Wrong', you manage to keep a steady, even pace throughout the whole fic. It's so beautifully written that the reader really feels for Susan, and appreciates her situation of wanting to tell Hannah, and not at the same time.
Overall, I thought that this was marvelous. Amazing job!
Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much! I\'m glad I was able to write a slash story that even people who don\'t like slash can like. Thanks for reviewing! :)
Wow, that was wonderful. I think that you captured Andromeda's feelings perfectly. I loved the ryhme and flow of this. It was beautifully written!
Author's Response: Thanks, Andromeda is one of my favorite characters.
I thought that was amazing. You had very lovely descriptions that fit the mood of your story impressively, and your characterization was wonderful for both of them. This was a very well written fic. Not to mention I adored your plotline. It was so... original, to say the least. I loved it! Fantastic job, dear!
Author's Response: Aaaaaaw. Thanks Rachel! *huggles* I\'m really flattered by your review, and to have a fic called \'original\' - well, that\'s an author\'s dream! Thanks again!
This is the story of the tragic love life of Merope Gaunt, Voldemort’s mother. It is told in first person from Merope’s point of view. She has deep feelings for Tom Riddle Senior, the son of the village squire; and tries to make him fall in love with her. However, Merope learns the hard way that a “love” potion can create only a powerful obsession, not true love.
Additional warning: bad language.
Mini! *huggles SPEW twin and gets on to real reviewing*
I really, really enjoyed this fic, Mini. I’ve read quite a few on Merope and Tom’s relationship, and they all go along the same lines, basically because all we know in canon is the outline of what happened. But I really liked the way that you wrote this one. For one thing, it was first person, which I always adore, because it gives more of an insight to the character’s feelings. The way you described Merope’s living conditions, and her love for Tom, I couldn’t help but to sympathize with her throughout this story. You wrote her in a believable way—love sick, and rather guilty about what she was doing to Tom. I think that this is as close to canon as you can get.
One thing that I really liked about your style was the way you came upfront and stated things. This was told in a rather upfront matter, but what made it interesting was that you wrote it as though Merope was looking back at all of this, as though we were looking at simple anecdotes that made up Merope’s life. I enjoyed your distinct style.
His eyes rested for a moment on Salazar Slytherin’s locket (I was wearing it around my neck). I’m probably just pointing this out because of my extreme distaste of parentheses, but I think this line would flow better if it was ‘His eyes rested for a moment on Salazar Slytherin’s locket, which I wore around my neck.’ /small nitpicky thing
“Here, drink water,” I said, handing over the bottle; doing my best to keep a neutral expression. In this line, Merope’s dialogue seems a bit odd. ‘Drink water’ seems like a rather primitive command—I would have her say something like ‘Have a drink of water’.
I did not have the courage to abandon the use of the love potion. I really liked this line, because it gives such a great insight to Merope’s character. From what you’ve written, we already know that she feels bad about using the love potion, but now we see a more timid side to her. This was always how I’ve seen Merope, so I really like the way that you wrote her internal conflicts. Your characterization was definitely the strong point in this fic, though the whole thing was lovely!
I liked the ending, but I think it came on a bit quickly, with Tom realising that he didn’t love Merope. After taking a love potion for months on end, I doubt that a few drops of antidote would have done that much to Tom. Maybe you could have waited a few hours for it to take effect, if you didn’t want to wait on this scene for too long. I’m also slightly confused as to why Merope gave him the antidote in the first place. I would think that she would be a bit unnerved about not giving him the potion at all—let alone giving him something that would work against the potion.
Tom backed away cautiously, and said, “Goodbye,” in a voice of forced calm. In this story, does Tom know that Merope’s a witch? Because if he doesn’t, I think he’d be more questioning, and less frightened, of her holding a stick up to his face.
Though I do think that the scene where he leaves is a tad rushed, I think it’s fine the way it is. This story seems to be Merope looking back on what happened with her and Tom, and she only includes the major events. At first the abrupt ending caught me off guard, but then I realised that the whole fic was fast paced, so I didn’t think much of it after at.
But despite my little nitpicks, I really did enjoy reading this story. I hope to read more by you soon! ♥
Author's Response: Rachel! *squees and hugs back* Thanks for this long review and the conc. crit!
To answer your question ...
In this story, does Tom know that Merope’s a witch? Because if he doesn’t, I think he’d be more questioning, and less frightened, of her holding a stick up to his face.
Yes, he knows. I haven\'t mentioned it, that\'s all.
I\'m really, really proud of this story and the fact that I managed to impress you - my SPEW twin.
Rushed endings seem to be one of my weaknesses. You\'re quite right, the ending does seem a little too fast ... I must work on it in future ...
Thanks again for taking the time to leave a SPEW-worthy review!
That *sob* was *sob* beautiful!!
All you needed was some serious Rory/Jess shipping. ;)
Anyway, I really liked that! It was so sweet, and I loved how Lily and James were friends. I hardly ever see that in James/Lily fics, and I really liked it! I think you did a good job of showing how James matured, and how Lily liked him as a friend.
One nitpick: What if she says no? , he thought to himself.
I don't think you need the comma before 'he'.
Anyway, I loved it! Very sweet! *imaginary* 10/10!
Author's Response: Rory/Jess? (pfft.) In a Lily/James? You\'re so silly! Hmm...comma. Okay. Thanks for your comment!