I am a sixteen year old whose in WAY over her head what with friends and homework....
Okay... this story is quite different. It is okay, but it has room for improvement. It feels a little melodramatic and it has a bunch of spelling errors that made me stop and go huh? what are you talking about? I think you should have made it a bit longer and smoothed it out a bit. And was Godric in love with Helga? Or was he just a brotherly figure? I did like your opening with Helga and the closing of your story was pretty good too. Overall it was kind of iffy to me. It just didn’t have that wow factor.
Author's Response: Well hi there... yes, it is melodramatic. Trust me, I usually hate soap operas but given the era of the piece and the characters involved in the twisted love affair, I decided to schmultz it up a bit. Feel free to read my other stories, I think you\'ll find that though my scenes are very intense, I\'m not so much a melodramatic writer typically. And no, Godric didn\'t love Helga that way. I thought it was clear in the story, he doted on her like a big brother.
It has been brought to my attention that my previous review could be considered a flame. I had no intention for it to be that way and I must apologise. I reread your fic today and discovered that I should never let my brother watch television in the background while I'm r/r. Now that it is a bit quieter, I realise I was completely wrong in posting my previous comment. Your fic was beautiful and I feel like a total snot in not paying attention to it. These are just a couple lines in your fic that I particularly liked:
but she could not help but find Rowena's persistence foolish; an insult to her vast intelligence.
I can only sort of see her doing this in real life, but I find I like the way this sentence sets Rowena apart as a lovesick fool when she is more often than not a wise, regal figure. It showed that there is another side to characters and one that we all wish we didn't have. That hopeless, I-feel-this-way-and-god-let-him-feel-the-same-or-I'll-throw-myself-off-a-tower side.
You did a good job at telling what Helga thought would happen as a result and I love how you showed that more often then not, people don’t let go of what we want even if it could hurt others and ourselves.
that the rabid hatred now choking her life was once an unfathomable nightmare, rather than a cruel, gripping reality.
I just really love this line. Adjectives are great and I liked the placing of it. I must admit, it was a little dramatic, but it fit quite well in the place that you put it.
Did you mean to do something symbolic with the arrangements of Helga and Salazar? Because I noticed that you always have Salazar move to meet Helga. Aside from going to see him (which is more for herself than him anyway) she never bends or stands or moves for him, and he is the one who moves to meet her. And I love how you reversed the positions at the ending making him sit and be submissive to anything she said.
There is only one thing I don’t quite understand. Why is Salazar in a cottage? One would think that he’d be in his own private castle. (Or did he spend all his money on his basilisk?) ;) He is a founder and he probably had money. Is there a reason he is not living it up a little?
I also admire your word choice--I actually had to look up word! And that in itself says something good. I now know what belie means!
Overall, this fic was immensely better than I initially thought and I hope you will erase my previous review with no thought to it.
Author's Response: Why hello again! I will admit, when I read your first review I was having a terrible night to begin with and it about set me over the edge. But, it\'s alright, not everyone can love my story. I need to learn this, so no worries. Now, new questions/comments. In terms of Salazar and Helga\'s placement in different scenes, I sort of see them fitting with their natural symbols. Slytherin is typically tied to water, and as such he\'s more fickle and free flowing. I think he would be much more likely to move in and quickly away than stand and wait for Helga to move. And, since Hufflepuff often is represented with earth, the more steadfast of the elements, I think its fitting that she holds herself steady. Now, as for Salazar in the cottage. I sort of picture it being his old stomping ground, perhaps a small place he used to escape from the world before setting to build Hogwarts with the others. Yes, he does have wealth and power, but he\'s also turned away from the other three, putting himself on the limb alone. I think at this point he\'d be more likely to hide out rather than making a huge show of his departure. I sort of took the view with his character that he\'s just as human as the rest of them, he just suffers from excessive pride and, well, prejudice.
Okay, Kate, I have decided I’m not sure if I like this or not. It makes a wonderful soap opera. The way you explain things in your story is not exemplary. Think about it this way would you have said, “Hermione Jane Granger, yes, I love you. When I finally discovered that Potter had sent you away, I thought it was because he had discovered our relationship and desired nothing more than to cleanse you of me. So after two years of fruitless searching, I began campaigning. My goal for the past three and a half years has been to clear my name and to make sure that your friends think that I am worthy of you.” in real life? No. A lot of your dialougue is like this. I think it would have been best to use that cunning narrator voice you came up with to explain the plot and use their voices sparingly and shortly. In this instance, it would have been better to show not say.
I kind of like this, but it is not the type of fic I would generally read.
Author's Response: Er, thanks? :) This fic was a sort of experiment for me, mostly with the narration. Showing and not telling has always been a little difficult for me, or rather, find the balance between showing and telling. Thanks for the review!
This was a highly interesting and believable depiction of the events HArry watched as he stood up on the astronomy tower so long ago. I particularly liked the way you showed the thought process of Dolores. She was just the right amount of evil and snooty.
“It will!” she snapped at him. “We’ll have him begging and pleading by dawn!”
I loved this line. Her misbelief is hysterical. Particularly as I know the final outcome...
Author's Response: Thanks Miki! I\'ll be reviewing yours shortly. (horseback riding. my legs\'ll be jelly by tonight. ><) Thanks for the review! I\'m glad you found that I balanced it--I found out I love writing about Umbridge.
Oh my godric. It could be my severely jet lagged state, but that story is making me cry. Particullarly the ending... That was really sweet with the telling them to take care of each other and... *sigh* Oh that was quite good... I had a couple beta nitpicks, but other than that it was relatively seamless and I enjoyed it greatly... I think it was a beautiful portrayal of a grieving man... 8/10
by the way... That jetlagged comment wasnt derogartory... I never cry when I read except while reading flowers for algernon, but that's a tangent I am not going off on.
Your story would probably be better read if I had taken the time to read “A Potter and a Malfoy”. I did not but it was an entertaining read anyways. I only had one complaint through out the whole thing and that was the melodrama that seemed a good friend through out the whole. Read aloud some of the statements made by Ginny and Harry. I always find that it helps. Would you say some of those things in real life? I liked the progression of the fic: it was deliberate and precise and I loved the follow through. Great job and good luck on your entry.
Author's Response: Thank you very much! Actually, it is not necessary to read A Potter and a Malfoy, but I have gotten some reviews talking about how they wish that there could have been more about what happened afterwards, and there are some definite hints in that.
At age fifteen, Regulus Black became sole heir to the largest fortune in Wizarding London. At sixteen, his abnormal intelligence won him entry into the most notorious cult of Dark wizards on earth. At seventeen he made a mistake – one that he would never be able to take back – and his entire world came crashing down.
Enter London, 1979. The story of a boy who managed to defy Voldemort at the height of his regime. But what price did he have to pay?
Hey, so mething I didnt notice in my zillions of comments: Just realized that your characterization of Sirius is rather like the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. Once you pin down one thing, you cant figure out anything else. Did you do that on purpose?
Author's Response: Wow you would be the only one to notice haha! When I first wrote that passage, I knew there was something in it but I didn't know what. Then later I made the connection myself and I have this whole passage (hand-written) about how if Sirius was a physics concept, he would be the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. XD I just never found a place to fit it into the story, unfortunately. Wow that crazy that you made the same connection! We like think on the same wavelength :D
Maddy, I have just finished rereading this and I think that you have done something absolutely amazing here, just like I did when I got the first draft. I love the way you intertwine Physics and Morality and this fic was just an amazing concept to begin with. I love the changes you made with Elise, it fits much better than your original plan. And your conversation with Dumbledore flowed a whole lot better than the original. I loved your story and I cannot wait for the next one. If you need hundreds ;) of pages of comments, do NOT hesitate to look me up.