Don't get offended if I review your story and it's picky ~ I can't help it, I'm compulsive like that and it doesn't necessarily mean that I didn't like it XD
I loved the wedding and your writing talents really are enviable. The chapter was fairly long and took me a while to read, and as the story is finished there isn't any point in really commenting on it, but you still managed to keep me interested and reading right up until the last sentence. Another great chapter, as per usual!
Thanks so much for these little extra bits of information! While I understood some of the references in the story, there were definately some explanations in this chapter that made my knowledge just that little bit deeper. Things like this help the reader to fully appreciate your story, so if you write anything like this again, I would seriously recommend you write another afterword with info in it, like this one.
That opening paragrah was just amazing, the description you did was just really well written and while you continued that through the rest of the chapter, I think that the first paragraph was one of my favourite parts. The canon characters all seem to be in character according to what we know of them in the books, and that is something that is often hard to achieve, so well done!
I found the very start of the chapter a bit hard to read because it was just dialogue and each of the characters was saying something on a different topic. While it was effective in conveying the image of a busy breakfast time, it was also a little confusing so if you are trying to do the same sort of thing again, maybe break it up a bit with a bit of a description of the surroundings. I found the way you wrote Harry's emotions to be really well done. His agitation especially, because it was just clear from his actions and the way you described it all.
While your spelling overall is really quite good, you need to be careful to read it through a few times in case the sell checker doesn't pick something up. Like this: fist two months should be "first", and that a couple of sentences on, Nifflers is not capitalised and begins with a K. While I personally think that the "Head Boy and Girl share a dorm" idea is a bit cliched and unsupported by anything in canon, you described the room brilliantly, without going overboard. The description of the colours and objects worked really well to form a picture of the room in my head.
This is an amazing story so far, and if you ever do write another chapter, I'm sure it will be amazing too :)
I love the way this story has started off, and you seem to have a talent for writing conversations that actually sound natural and realistic - what I mean by that is the characters actually sound like real people just talking to each other, not like robots or anything.
The whole deal with the tomb and the circlet make this fic unique from a lot of the others that are found on this site or on others. It makes for something different, and that's what makes this story so interesting. I thought the chapter was a bit long and so I found it a bit hard to get through it, but that's mainly because I'm pretty tired. It's a compliment to your writing that I stayed til the end because I couldn't tear myself away :)
Author's Response: Thank you! Yes, some of these get a bit long, but I appreciate you hanging in there. :)
Wow, this chapter grabbed my attention from the very start. I've always liked the idea that Petunia got a letter from Hogwarts but decided not to attend for fear of being different, and I think I've finally found a story that could properly explore this idea further! Your writing style is entertaining and I think my only critisism would be that Lily was portrayed as a fiesty and lively girl, so the idea of her being a quiet little child with her nose in a book doesn't seem to fit.
The way you include the little details in this chapter really gives the story some depth, which is why I always seem to enjoy your chapters. Even though she would not be a nice person to hang around with, I really like how you have written Narcissa and the only little nitpick from my end is that I think she is more likely to say "silence!" or something to a House Elf, instead of "shut up" which sounds more like a childish phrase to me.
Author's Response: Hmm... you may have a point about silence. I\'m glad you like the details. Some readers don\'t, but I can\'t resist putting them in. Thanks for the review!
This chapter was fairly short, so hopefully the next one will be a bit longer because then you'll have more room to explore what is happening and to explain things. The idea of Sirius being alone in the castle is both scary and funny - and there are ways this sort of thing could work - just be careful not to write things for the sake of being random.
And no, contrary to beliefs very likely impressed upon you by this summary, I'm not a gormless prat.
Well... not entirely.
gave a loud, gut-deep cough that sounded like a dying goose Ahahaha, I love the image that conjures in my head. He scowled at me, then burrowed his face into his pillow, rolling over onto his stomach sulkily. *loves sulky Sirius* Also he was very sulky in OotP so it is in keeping with his character. I really hoped I didn't look as much like a starved lamprey as I felt. *gigglesnort* we had to study lampreys this year and the image I got in my head was really rather scary XD Ewan "Look—no hands!" Flaherty That amuses me far too much :P
Was James trying to steal his paw-print boxers?
Aww, Tia can be so cute when she's oblivious XD
His brows drew slowly together in bewilderment, and I noticed too late the subtle differences in his face, the way he held himself, the colour of his eyes—these were such a dark, deep grey, the shade was nearly black.
Eeee Regulus! *ferociously glomps him* Ahem *gets up and dusts myself off* sorry about that >.>
Author's Response: You! *tackleglomps* *cuddles you* Where've you been, J-dawg? It feels like forever since I've talked to you... boo. Not that I have such a scintillating and fascinating life to tell you about, but even our talks about baby-kangaroo eating were amusing. :( I am home sick, by the way, I get all weepy and stuff when the house is empty. Bleugh. *settles down on the floor with Regulus and goes to sleep*
“I love you, Potter, and will proudly have your babies!” someone called gleefully from the midst of all the resulting commotion.
I suspected Sirius.
Hahaha, I love the picture that is conjuring in my head at the moment because the idea of Sirius saying that in a fit of joy is just so amusing...and oddly in character too :P
His features twisted and darkened with inhuman rage and he raised his wand to my face, opening his mouth to curse me Now that I've read this again, I'm not sure if this would be the exact sort of response Snape would give. Tia's words are completely befitting of the situation, and I can see Snape saying the things he did, but his tone seems a little off. What I mean by that is his rage seems a bit too extreme for the situation, so if you write about him again you might want to be careful about just how angry you make him :)
Author's Response: Iunno.
I see where you're coming from with Snape, of course. Only he came off as a total spazoid in the books for some quite silly reasons... especially in OotP... like, "Woah Nelly, calm the heck down, sir!" *shrugs*
I broke it off with Jeff today. :O!!! *celebrates by having orgy with Kootnah* (yes you can have an orgy with two people XD)
Then she called him ‘Zorro’ and insisted that if he expected to get into bed with her, Aubrey and I while visiting us in our villa in Spain, he would have to remove his sword first. Remove his sword indeed *gigglesnort*
And even I wasn’t bitch enough to give her away, not even when she’d been driving me mad and acting like a complete cow. It really shows Tia's character when she won't give everything about Lily away to James, especially when considering how she and Lily get on.
Exploding Schnapps I so want to play that game XD
“Did Lily Evans call you a cow again?” Peter asked sympathetically. Ignoring what a complete traitor he turns out to be later on, Peter is rather adorable here :P Oh and thank you once again for not making him into an idiot in this story :)
it always will be us, because we’re better than you, Snivellus, and the minute you realise that, we’ll all be that much happier. I can really see James having said this to Snape at sometime during their school years. While he has matured a bit in this story from when we saw him in that chapter of OotP in his fifth year, he still has that arrogant streak in him. Whilst this is not a good personality trait to really have in real life, it is part of James' character and so this just works to make the chapter even better ^_^
Author's Response: Ahahaha.... I seem to have some kind of a complex... with that particular bit of a guy's anatomy coming off in some manner or another. Perhaps my therapist should hear about this.
Oh wait, that's you. XP
w00t, I get review # 100! I have nothing really constructive to add, I just felt like saying something. You probably want to have a bit of substance to this review though so...err...>.>...*trails off and starts edging away towards an empty room with Regulus and Sirius in tow* ;)
Author's Response: Aha! Thus is the source for your oh-so-subtle "Go check your damn reviews, Kim!" and accompanying prod with a fork.
What, you were probably thinking it.
I simply must say that I love the character of Elly, her whole personality and the lines she came out with just kept me giggling. I just wanted to point out that --
Something, he supposed, was rather akin to the one he himself had had the day he had first set foot in Diagon Alley after a childhood spent exclusively in the Muggle world This sentence was worded a bit awkwardly and I had to read it over once before I got it. If you inserted the word 'that' before the 'was', it would sound better, but that's just my opinion lol.
Author's Response: Thank you so much! Yes, Elly is near and dear to my heart...she's quite the spunky little elf. *snicker* If you care to see a rendering of her you can click here: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/29985485/ Again, thank you so much! We're so glad you are enjoying our little story. A new chapter should be up around Monday or Tuesday. ~Aeryn
I am surprised this story doesn't have more reviews! I've always enjoyed reading about the time in the Malfoy Manor before Draco attends Hogwarts, but I'm curious as to what sort of direction the story is going in, because I haven't really got any idea at the moment. One thing I'm not sure about is the part where Narcissa keeps her bedroom door bolted - in the books she seems pretty devoted to her husband, so take care to provide an explanation as to why she's doing this and appears to have hanged later on in the series. Keep up with the good work!
I can't believe this story does not have more reviews! From the start you have engaged the readers (well me at least, I can't speak for anyone else :P) with Snape's character and the way you have depicted his homelife. I particularly liked how things seemed to have been going well for Severus on the train at the start but then it all fell to pieces when Sirius couldn't get over his hatred of anything remotely associated with the Dark Arts. While I'm not usually a fan of Remus, James, Peter and Sirius becoming friends straight away because it seems so cliched, you wrote the scene well enough that I didn't have a problem with it. I actually haven't had a problem with this story at all, your writing style is very nice and the dialogue between the characters is realistic. I could have reviewed each chapter induvidually but I read this thing straight through and decided to lump all my thoughts into one review :P This story is definately going on my favourites list, and I'm giving it a 10.
Author's Response: My excuse on all cliches: I had not actually read ANY fanfiction when I wrote most of this. One of the best ways to form an alliance in any set of people, though, is to give them a common enemy, and here they have one -- whether he deserves it or not. Thanks for the review, and ten!
There were a couple of little spelling errors I noticed but other than that, this story is off to an interesting start! It makes a change from the usual style of Marauders fics and it's nice to read something that has that element of originality in it. I think the part I enjoyed the most was Sirius' running commentry when he was in the bar chatting to Rosmerta, and Regulus' reaction to what Sirius said about that girl.
Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review. The next chapter will be done through the eyes of Remus, so hopefully it will give a different spin on things. I don't tend to write so...sporadically, but seeing as how I'm dealing with teenage boys, I thought it best to change things up a bit.