Penname: Kerichi [Contact]
Real name: Paige
Member Since: 11/14/05
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Status: Member
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I'm an avid reader turned fanfiction writer who aims to one day be paid for original stories, but for now is satisfied with the invaluable reward of reviews (and three Quicksilver Quill awards). ^_^

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Reviews by Kerichi
 

A Little Lighter Than Black by kritchen
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 62]

Summary: From the ancient and noble house of Black to the obscurity of being Muggleborn, seventh year just promised to be another school year, although their last. Andromeda is testing her boundaries and the limits placed upon her. She's rebelling a bit from the ideals that she was brought up with. Ted is just living in the moment, still trying to decide what he wants to be. Fighting with habitual messiness and lack of organization, the cheerful, happy-go-lucky Hufflepuff soon finds himself in the midst of something he hadn't expected. Two unlikely characters, a spark of life, and the awkwardness of repeated encounters leads to more than they expected out of their seventh year.

I'm sorry for the long wait for the next chapter. It's finally finished. I graduated high school in 2010 and then entered college. It was quite a stressful time and quite the transition. I also lost the chapter once when my computer crashed. I had struggled with it for so long (writer's block) and when it was almost done, there it went into technological oblivion. I was so frustrated, I couldn't bring myself to try rewriting it until recently.

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: Sexual Situations

Word count: 31536 Chapters: 12 Completed: No
Published:
11/25/07 Updated: 08/04/11


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 01/23/08 Title: Chapter 5: Imprints of Friendship

Weeks passed and autumn turned into winter without much fanfare. I enjoyed that line, but you make me wonder if the line "we knew better though" doesn't apply to Aveline, :D, who now wants Ted to be her boyfriend, and sad to think Ted believes it's best not to avoid his family!

Author's Response: Lol, no. The pair of this discovered they aren\'t made to be a couple a long time ago. Aveline\'s too easily jealous. :D

 
Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 01/23/08 Title: Chapter 5: Imprints of Friendship

D'oh! No editing reviews! I was going to put 'better not to see his family' and decided on "best to avoid his family" and didn't delete the "not". Oh well, to be constructive :D, one thing I noticed, a comma missing between "Hello, Ted."

Author's Response: Lol, silly Kerichi. I\'ll change that. [bounces off] I\'ve got a one-shot coming up soon. :D I\'m really proud of it.

 
Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 12/04/07 Title: Chapter 1: Curiosity Killed The Cat

Hey, it was nice to see your story up! Good question to leave in the reader's mind at the end of the chapter. What *does* Andromeda want with a Mudblood? :)

Author's Response: Haha thanks Kerichi. You\'ve really been a driving force behind this story even if you didn\'t know it. :]

 
Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 12/19/07 Title: Chapter 2: Jealousy Becomes Him

It's easy to see why Andromeda would go along with Raphael...until she had a reason not to. Good for her not being intimidated!

Out of curiosity, if the characters had the faces of famous actors, who do you see playing the roles? :)

Author's Response: Oooo... Good question. I\'m gonna have to research that one and get back to you on it. There\'s so many good choices out there. And a lot of actors whose names I don\'t know. :]

Author's Response: I looked all over and while I\'m still undecided about Andromeda, I found my Ted. There\'s no other than Ryan Gosling. He fits both older and younger Ted, at least my mental image of him. :]

Author's Response: Okay, I lied. Searching for my Andromeda, I found another actor that I rather feel fits the part of Ted. Especially from the pictures of when he was younger with longer hair. Charlie Hunnam. He\'s a good Ted too. As for Andromeda, I\'ve narrowed it down to three candidates. The ages of the actresses aren\'t so much relevant to her age in my story but overall, they fit my perception of her. They\'re also a little different from each other but they\'d do her justice by being pretty but not overly so. Julia Roberts (one of my favorites), Natalie Portman and Emmy Rossum. The last one is a reluctant admission but she\'d work well for Andromeda.

 

Summary: Andromeda Tonks thought she had finally got her favourite cousin back.
So when he is taken from her once again by the person she least expects, it is enough to break her.

Post-OoTP one-shot.



Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 2125 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/05/08 Updated: 02/06/08


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 09/13/09 Title: Chapter 1: The Last Black With Her Sanity Intact

I admired so much about this story and yet ended it with mixed feelings about your characterization of Andromeda. I think you expressed her thoughts and feelings extremely well, tying physical responses with emotional distress that was in itself greater than any physical pain alone could have been.

I found it poignant that she'd fooled herself into believing Bellatrix was forced to commit atrocities, and that she'd promised to protect Sirius. Her realization that Sirius had never needed her help, that Bellatrix had always been responsible for her actions was wrenching. Everyone has been as "stupid" at some point in life.

It was the portrayal of Andromeda as a cousin who wouldn't visit because she was afraid Dementors would bring up bad memories, a woman who found satisfaction (however "odd") that Sirius' death removed the guilt of failing to protect him, of being able to blame someone else, that I'm ambivilant about. That she could feel Sirius' escape and time with family and Harry "a waste"  and wonder how she could cope now that her childhood reason for maintaining sanity was gone was hard for me to get my head around.

Yes, Andromeda would naturally "stop needing Sirius Black long ago," but for her to think "now that there was nobody in her life to remind her of the past she was always looking to escape, she knew she could finally move forward. And maybe even forget" struck me as self-centered and repellent.

I've never imagined Andromeda weak and craven, but that doesn't mean she can't be. It could be due to childhood abuse, emotional fragility, or any combination of reasons. I don't want you to think that I'm trying to say your view is wrong. I'm not. It's as valid as any other writer's characterization. I just see her differently.

To change topics, :), in the fourth paragraph down you're need a direct address comma for "Oh Dora". In the fourth paragraph up from the bottom, you use a semi colon when a period would vary sentence length and keep the reader from mentally running out of breath. 

When you described the realization of Sirius' death as "like a violent ocean wave", the simile struck me as one that's used so much it's cliche. In the very next paragraph, however, I absolutely loved the the way you phrased Dora's tears.

pools of tears settled in her eyes.

That's such a descriptive, poignant image. It makes me wish I'd written it. :D

 

 

 

Eclipse by BertieBotsBeans741
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 9]

Summary: This is a poem of how Narcissa feels when she learns of the task Draco must complete in HBP.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 102 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/21/08 Updated: 03/23/08


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 10/01/09 Title: Chapter 1: Eclipse

Once upon a time there was light in my life,
But now there’s only love in the dark.
Nothing I can say,
A total eclipse of the heart. 

Turnaround, every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I’ve got to get out and cry . . . .

The Bonnie Tyler song came to mind when I read your poem. :) There’s a lot of emotion conveyed, and then suppressed at the end. It’s an interesting image, Narcissa hypnotized by the moon, feeling a kinship, perhaps? Instead of reflecting sunlight, she reflects the image expected of her, pure-blooded stoicism.  

Lunar eclipses only happen 2-4 times a year, and only during full moons. There’s an implication that only special circumstances generated Narcissa’s personal eclipse, allowing her to shed tears and express anguish for a short time. That adds depth and intensity to your poem. 

A couple of times, though, I questioned your word choices. 

I rise, moving soundlessly,
A whisper of what once was.
 

She’s moving soundlessly, and then she’s a whisper, which is definitely a sound, however slight it may be. You have “I whisper farewell” in the last stanza. To avoid repetition and contradiction, I’d consider changing the earlier usage. If you want to keep the alliteration, you could go with something like “wraith”.  

The crisp air slaps my face,
Tears slide down my rosy cheeks,
 

Even Narcissa wouldn’t be whipping out a magically lighted mirror to check her reflection in the dark, :D, so she can’t know her cheeks are rosy (which sounds off because I think of her as pale). Aching cheeks, stinging cheeks, frozen cheeks, anything that she can feel and doesn’t have to see, would work better. 

Thank you for putting time and thought into crafting a lovely poem.

 

Daughter of the Dark Side by Lyra Lestrange
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 305]

Summary: Past Featured Story

Lindsey Tonks appears to be a normal, almost invisible Hogwarts student, but underneath her is someone far from normal. What the world doesn't know is that Lindsey is the daughter of two well-known imprisoned Death Eaters, and has an identity she must hide from the world. Underneath Lindsey is a girl named Lyra Lestrange, a girl who is meant to be a secret forever. But will it last forever?

*Begins in GoF and follows the series through DH.

**Will appeal to fans of the Black family! Prominent characters are Bellatrix, Tonks, Andromeda, Sirius, and (to an extent) Narcissa.

Part Four Synopsis:

It's the summer after Albus Dumbledore's death, and the whole world is falling to Voldemort and the Death Eaters. Broken-hearted Lyra, unable to return to Hogwarts, must go into hiding with her family. It doesn't last long, and eventually Lyra is faced with a choice: join or die. Lyra's decision comes with many surprises, including a new ally who follows her to the final battle of good versus evil. While Lyra's path may seem clear, she finds herself torn between two sides for the final time, and in the end, despite tragedy and loss, Lyra accomplishes the impossible...which defies all of the agreements she and her family ever made.

Three years later, the fic has been completely finished! Enjoy reading it without having to wait for new chapters. Thanks to those who patiently waited and faithfully reviewed!



Categories: Alternate Universe Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe, Character Death

Word count: 156762 Chapters: 57 Completed: Yes
Published:
04/25/08 Updated: 03/05/11


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 07/26/11 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue

I’ve just finished nominating your story for a Quicksilver Quill award, but I had to preface it with “I’ll be honest, I’m not a fan of the prologue” because I think it detracts from the story.

Prologues need to be compelling and necessary, not an info dump. If you cut yours I think readers would not only still understand when the story was taking place and the events leading up to it (because this is fan fiction and everyone is familiar with canon), but the campsite chapter makes obvious that Lyra is Bellatrix’s daughter in a more natural, engaging way, little by little, through dialogue and thought, starting from Lyra pitching the tent and working up to the moment of revelation.

An editor’s blog I read gave “If it works and entertains, keep it. If it doesn’t meet this criteria, toss it” as a simple way to decide on a prologue. You can disagree with my opinion that your prologue isn’t compelling and entertaining, that it tells the readers what we already know (or will soon know) and instead of drawing the reader puts him or her off or makes them scroll down to hit the next link. I just want to make you take a second look at it and decide if you truly think it works and entertains.

I wish you the best of luck.

 



Author's Response: Thanks so much for the nomination! I did look back over the prologue and I realize that it isn't necessary. But I wrote this story four years ago and at this point I'm pretty much past editing it. I would also lose a huge portion of my reviews if I deleted it, and I would really like to keep them there. Thanks for the editing advice--I would take it if I was still working on this fic but I finished posting it months ago and although I still love it and respond to reviews and even consider writing a sort of sequel, it's an old project that I don't really touch anymore.

 

Summary:

His fears? Flying...his own wand...fitting in...sticking out! His best friends? A passionate fire-breathing cousin, and a cool, aloof Death Eater's son. His destiny? Anything but ordinary!

Join Albus as he experiances his first year at Hogwarts and begins the journey out from under his father's collosal shadow, if he can survive it of course!

Meet the new Tenacious Trio, Albus Potter, Scorpius Malfoy, and Rose Weasley



Categories: Post-Hogwarts Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 61027 Chapters: 19 Completed: No
Published:
05/23/08 Updated: 09/08/09


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 05/28/08 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1 Compartmentalized

It's nice to see the story here, and it's still an endearing image, Albus with a cowlick. :)

Now that the queue is back to normal, I hope your second chapter is approved soon!



Author's Response: Me two! Keep reading!!

 
Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 06/25/08 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 2 Boats, Brothers and other Decisions

"The recently constructed four-story arboretum, located where the greenhouses had once stood, sparkled like emerald glass, adding to the mystery and majesty of the scene."

I'd say "Blimey" too! :)



Author's Response:

Glad you think so...wait until you get a look inside :) Of course that's chapter 10 a few years away LOL!

SLy 

 

Head in the Sand by lucilla_pauie
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 4]

Summary: It wasn't apathy.

But it was very close.

And who could blame her?

In marrying Ted, Andromeda had already defied her life's dragons. Afterward, she wanted to live without even the thought of them, thank you.

~ originally written for Teresa in the Second SPEW Summer Secret Story Swap

~ can be read as companion to Hints



Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1310 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/26/08 Updated: 08/29/08


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 11/02/09 Title: Chapter 1: Head in the Sand

Unlike Ted, you’re good with expressive language—eternal sentries, memories laying a head on her shoulder, the warmth of light like beloved hands—and evocative descriptions (especially those of the sun and sunrise). :)

 

I did notice while I was reading that Andromeda’s conversation with Molly came across as stilted and disjointed.  It was the lack of action and dialogue tags and the abrupt changes in subject, such as “If you don’t mind me asking, were they hard on you?”  At first, it was jarring, but the style fits. They’re two near-strangers sitting on a bench, and their “sense of kinship” doesn’t change that fact.  Andromeda is so withdrawn; there would naturally be long silences and bursts of awkward conversation.

 

Something I noticed that you might want to consider editing is your first sentence, which reads as if a corner of Andromeda’s mouth quirking is “another oddity of the Muggles.” :D If you put a period after “quirked” and made the second sentence, “Zoos were another oddity of the Muggles” your meaning would be clear.

 

Later in the story, I wondered, when “snow had yet to come” and Andromeda enjoyed the “unseasonable warmth,” why Bill is wearing a snow suit. Wouldn’t a fluffy-blue jumper be more appropriate?

 

And near the end, after you wrote that her encounter with Molly had left its mark, the sentence that follows reads as a non sequitur:

 

It was right outside Andromeda’s window: neighbors.

 

That sentence doesn’t explain how the encounter left its mark. It seems random and doesn’t make sense. Why introduce that they’re staying with unnamed “neighbors”? The story’s ending would read much stronger and less confusing if you edited it to read something like:

 

She turned back to the sunrise, remembering her encounter in Regent’s Park and wondering how Molly dealt with living in frightened seclusion.

 

Her hand went to her middle. Andromeda shook her head to stop her wandering thoughts.

 

She had enough to wonder about.

 

Thank you for writing the story. I enjoyed your take on Andromeda and Ted, the way you showed how Andromeda didn’t escape the Blacks without lingering issues to deal with, day by day.  



Author's Response: Hi, thanks for the review and the constructive grammar points! :D How amusing and embarrassing. I'll edit them. As to 'neighbors'... Andromeda's little chat with Molly affected her in the way that she and Ted moved to a neighborhood. They'd been living somewhere remote before, as you can imagine. But Andromeda changed that. For company more than for safety. I'm glad you liked the story.

 

Felix Felicis by Hermoine Jean Granger
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 4]

Summary:

It takes a little luck to get the potion of Felix Felicis right!

Written for Ascending into Alchemy final Fall Term 2008.

Categories: School Assignments Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1493 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
12/18/08 Updated: 12/19/08


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 09/12/09 Title: Chapter 1: Felix Felicis

The summary doesn't say who's brewing the potion. I don't why it was a surprise to read the opening line and discover the story was about Slughorn, but it was. Maybe it's because I don't come across Slughorn fics much in my favorite categories. :D

At first, I was taken aback by the image of Slughorn as never happier, satisfied with his position and filled with joy and pride. I didn't fit my image of him. There had to be a catch, and there was. A clever way to draw the reader in!

I think you conveyed Slughorn's smarmy, self-congratulatory personality very well using only thoughts. When he achieves a goal, he's walking on air. Literally, at the end of the story. After he obtains it, though, he's soon bored and needs a new ego boost.

He's the wretch concentered all in self, as Sir Walter Scott (and Andie MacDowell's character in Groundhog Day) put it.  He isn't worried about his students; he's worried about "stagnating". 

I noticed some repetition in the story. Twice you mention the base nature of greed, and the first time (first sentence of the third paragraph) it comes across as a lofty narrator pronouncement. The second mention is within a wonderfully crafted sentence. And then the base nature of greed combined with his need for adventure. I used bold because if you deleted the first mention, that's what this sentence would do to readers in the story: jump off the page with its promise that something momentous is about to happen.

In back to back sentences, a long journey and a long visit to the potions stores. You used the phrase "After all," in paragraphs eleven and thirteen. Some words are almost invisible and aren't noticed when repeated, but if a word or phrase stands out (either because it's striking or just used in the previous sentence) readers will notice and it could jolt them for a moment out of the scene. It's like Toto pulling back the curtain to reveal the Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz is just a man. Writers want readers to pay no attention to the mechanics of the story. Avoiding repetition helps keep that metaphorical curtain shut. 

I have a deep and abiding love for commas, myself, so it feels like there's three fingers pointing back at me while I point out that you use them when they're not needed. Here's an example early in the story: At the age of twenty-four, that was a major achievement, for any wizard. It shoud read "that was a major achievement for any wizard". No comma is needed after "for". Near the end: It needed to take over the effects caused by the strong ingredients within the cauldron, and mingle to such an extent, that it would be stable. It's a long sentence, but there's no need for a comma after "extent". 

 The potions-making was interesting. I enjoyed the vicarious experience and the way you used it to reveal his character. I did wish you'd described exactly what you meant by "violent" since you mentioned it twice. ;)

The ending had an ironic quality that made me smile and shake my head, wondering how long it will be until he's brought back to earth. 

 

 

Summary: A parody of "Santa Claus, Go Straight To The Ghetto" by James Brown. The Weasleys need Christmas too.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 272 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
12/24/08 Updated: 12/27/08


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 12/09/09 Title: Chapter 1: Santa Claus, Go Straight To The Burrow

I can see James Brown dancing when I read this. :)

I hope you didn't feel like you'd been put on the naughty list and given a lump of coal last year when no one reviewed. Over a hundred reads should tell you a heck of a lot of lurkers shadow the site, and they can't give feedback because MNFF doesn't allow anonymous reviews.

 

Pettigrew's Christmas Song by star_sailor
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 2]

Summary: A parody of "A Christmas Song", sung by Peter Pettigrew from the Malfoy Manor.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 243 Chapters: 1 Completed: No
Published:
12/24/08 Updated: 12/27/08


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 12/09/09 Title: Chapter 1: Pettigrew's Christmas Song

I was looking for Christmas stories and saw your poem. The title was quirky and appealing, so I read it and was glad I did. It made me smile and imagine Peter, under the influence of eggnog, strumming a guitar (that's all he could manage with his silver hand) and singing to himself. I smiled through the whole poem, and it's definitely put me in the mood to watch HBP on DVD! :)

Tots eyes all a'glow under the Imperio, Santa on his way, Death Eaters will kill him without delay, and the final "But Merry Christmas to you." were my favorite lines. I'm still snickering over the mental image of glowing-eyed tots.

I noticed the poem was uploaded last Christmas, and you haven't posted anything since, so you might not be interested in concrit--but I'm giving it anyway, just in case you are.

The first line, if you changed sitting to basking it would be much more snake-like. The second line reads "off" a syllable. You're parodying a classic song, so readers will have its rhythm echoing in their heads, and if you took out the "a" and made it Draco's trying on new robes it would flow like the second line of the Christmas song. Jack Frost's nipping at your nose. 

The fifth line down,  Everybody knows the Malfoy Manor parallels Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe, so it comes up short. If you made it something like Everybody knows the atmosphere at Malfoy Manor it would "sound" right, for lack of a better phrase.

Near the end, you use kill twice. Although it is five lines apart, not back to back, since this is HP, you could change the second one to AK for Avada Kedavra and make the poem even more merry and bright. 

Happy Christmas, and thank you for sharing this poem!

 

 

 

Your Son by MerrryD
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 12]

Summary:

It wasn’t that he didn’t love Astoria – he did.

He just wasn’t sure he could love a child.

Draco Malfoy was never one for fathering. Little kids disgusted him; babies horrified him. And yet, Astoria is pregnant. As it comes down to the final hours, he is torn between his love for his wife and his contempt for a small blonde one. Is Draco a man of his head or his heart?

For Joanna.



Categories: Draco/Other Character Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2038 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/06/09 Updated: 01/16/09


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 09/13/09 Title: Chapter 1: Your Son

I have a confession to make. I wasn't sure if I was going to like your characterization of Draco. The first two paragraphs didn't predispose me to empathize with him. He's mentally dithering about uncomfortable plastic chairs and has rounded shoulders?

And then I read the third paragraph.

The clock on the wall across from him ticked agonizingly slow. Tick. A gap in time that seemed to last hours. Tock. Another infinite timeless, soundless space. Tick. Draco stared at it, something at long last capturing his attention. He was pulled in, mesmerised by the sluggish tick-tocking and the bold, merciless black numbers. 

I read it and immediately thought, "THIS is the beginning. This is in medias res, unexpected and gripping in a way the set up of the prior paragraphs failed to accomplish. 

A lot of writers end up cutting off "warm up" sentences or paragraphs to find the true beginning of a story. I hope you'll consider doing the same. It would make such a difference!  

You did a brilliant job showing Draco's insecurities. He doesn't want the baby to come between him and his wife, doesn't want the responsibility or the anxiety of worrying he won't be a good father. He's used to being the one comforted and petted, and now his wife needs his strength and support. 

He definitely had issues to work though in record time. :)

While your portrayal of Draco was real and compelling, the character that didn't ring true to me was the Assistant Healer. Health professionals are just that--professional--and for her to go off on Draco, culminating with "what kind of husband would abandon their wife" left me shaking my head. If you'd had Astoria's mum say those accusing lines, one of her friends, the emotional outburst would be believable. From an Assistant Healer it came across as author-needs-Draco-to-hear-tough-talk-and-get-his-head-on-straight contrivance. If the lambasting was cut out, and the "she's been calling and calling" was kept, it would be effective without offending on multiple levels.

Although I wanted to use a Silencio on the Assistant Healer giving all medical professionals a bad name, :D, I soon forgot her while reading the ending.

Stories like yours, like Draco, are wanted and needed.

Smiles all round. :)

 

 

Summary: A small fight over an insignificant toothbrush can mean a lot more.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Violence

Word count: 1154 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/23/09 Updated: 04/01/09


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 10/10/10 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One

I have to admit, the title and summary made me wonder if the story would have been better placed in the Humor category, but reading the opening paragraphs helped me shift mental gears. There's a Series of Unfortunate Events quality to the narration, an airy tone lightening dark deeds with observations of understated humor.

...it always smelled better early in the morning....

Ha!

As much as I enjoyed hearing Jude Law's voice in my head reading to me, I think the story would have had more dramatic impact if it had been in Tom's pov. Omniscient puts distance between the reader and the characters, and it would have been compelling to see directly through Tom's eyes.

Some people tend to notice comma misplacement; I notice repetition. In this story, one and only (although they make a lovely phrase together) were used so frequently they became a distraction. 

The "Promise me" line was one of my favorites. The words were so strong no emphasis was needed. 

I liked the ending and felt the story led up to it nicely.

There's no doubt that Tom will "do that again"!

 

Etched in Gold by Cirelondiel
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 10]

Summary: Past Featured Story

"It’s like a safe place, somewhere to watch the world, somewhere... magical."

When the rain stops and the sun comes out, a magical moment is etched in gold.



Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: Sexual Situations

Word count: 1195 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
04/14/09 Updated: 04/18/09


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 09/13/09 Title: Chapter 1: Etched in Gold

Youll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
Youll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in the fields of gold

 Katie will remember Cedric when any wind “moves”, I suspect, but your title brought the Sting song to mind. I could almost hear it playing in the background during when the sun came out and Cedric saw the light in more ways than one. I had to include a quote. :)

 Imagery is one of your strong points. I very much enjoyed your descriptions. Atmosphere drenched in anticipation, a pyramid of grass, the archway framing the scene like curtains on a stage, and the golden edges of the clouds were especially striking. 

Using the boat house was inspired and set up the romantic moment in a way sitting beside the lake in open view of whoever might be passing by would never have done. You took your prompt and rocked it (no pun intended). 

 The first two paragraphs, while informative and useful for setting the scene, came across as omniscient narrator. If you'd used third-person limited, had Cedric being thankful exams and the weather allowed him to be alone (until Katie arrives), I think it would have made a more compelling opening. 

Eleven paragraphs down you wrote:

“And how are you, Cedric?” Her voice was softer know, and full of obvious concern. 

 Aside from writing "know" when you meant "now", you use a comma before "and" that isn't needed because you aren't linking independent clauses.

These sentences: “Well, it will be when the sun comes out,” she amended. He grinned, and they settled back into silence are written back to back. Since the second switches to Cedric's pov, I'd give it its own paragraph.

I noticed toward the end that you used attribution tags that tell the reader what the dialogue just told them: amended, instructed, and added. Earlier in the story, the "reflectively" after "Mmm" was already implied by the word itself (unless you think readers would have a "Mmm, you're scrummy" impression, and in that case . . . . :D)

The last two lines were lovely, in a bittersweet way. 

The five paragraphs before, though, I mentally edited because we've been in Cedric's head predominantly, and I think it would have flowed better into the ending if it read this way: 

They watched water lapping against the shore and mist disappearing from in front of the mountains, and after a while Cedric glanced at Katie’s face and squeezed her hand. “Cho and I... we’re not right. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to figure that out. Just... if you stay quiet about this for a few days... we can be together soon. If you want to, that is,” he added, realising what he was saying.

Katie nodded slowly, guilt evident in her features. “I do,” she said. “Of course I do.”
 

Slowly, this time, gently, cautiously, she leaned over and kissed him.

For Cedric, it was like the sun coming out all over again.
 

Just my thoughts and suggestions to do with what you will. I'm off to look up Fields of Gold on youtube. :D 

 Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold

 

 

 

 

 



Author's Response:

It was a lovely surprise to get a review from one of the site's best writers :D. Thanks for your feedback - I think it's about time I reworked this fic, as I really didn't take much care when writing it, and I'll take your thoughts into account. I'm glad you liked the imagery... picturing this scene always makes me smile. :)

 

Unwanted Gifts by jenny b
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 7]

Summary: Lily Evans and Severus Snape were best friends. Always had been, perhaps always would be. But there is a thin line between them – a line that has always held Severus back from showing Lily how he really feels about her.

One Christmas, he steps over the line, and gives Lily a simple gift she did not ask for. A kiss.

Categories: Marauder Era Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1989 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
04/22/09 Updated: 04/28/09


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 09/14/09 Title: Chapter 1: Unwanted Gifts

I picked this story because I liked the title. It's a summary in two well chosen words. The beginning has an air of mystery about it, and good use of details. I could picture the burning embers and imagine the slight itchiness of the scarf. I liked the way Lily took off the scarf and then had second thoughts and put it back on, the symbolism of her internal conflict about her friendship with Severus.

I noticed you had Lily look at the warm, knitted green scarf and then internally comment that it was definitely warm two sentences later. If you edit out the first use, the second will make a better impact.

What I didn't get from the story was a specific time frame. When is it taking place? Fifth year? Sixth? Seventh?

The friends' tradition of exchanging presents was sweet and showed their long history. You painted a vivid picture of the care Lily put into the refreshments. She scraped (marvelous use of the word, I could hear the rub of spatula) the best cookies off the tray and piled them on her mother's best plate. I wondered if the plate was crystal or china with a Christmas pattern. 

You did an excellent job revealing Severus' character by his not being able to wait for the rain to stop to see Lily, by his meticulous way he wraps and unwraps gifts, his soft tone and the way he trailed his fingers over her picture.

When he's going in for the kiss, the phrasing of His face shifted infinitesimally to hers read awkwardly to me, distracting me from the awkward story moment. Infinitesimally is too small to be measured. If you put His face lowered towards hers or His head bent to hers it would convey what you want more smoothly. 

The imagery of their cheeks burning for different reasons was excellent. 

A whisper. ‘Come back, Sev. I’m sorry.’ was poignant, but "A whisper" took attention from what was said. I think would read more poignantly,  ‘Come back, Sev. I’m sorry,’ she whispered.

The ending was bittersweet, showing both how well Lily knows Severus . . . and how much she doesn't, because he won't forget. The contrast of happy friends in the picture to real life solemn counterparts brought the change in their relationship home. That Severus would sit on a frozen riverbank in just a shirt in the rain portrayed both his emotional turmoil and his lifelong flair for the dramatic. :)

I came away with a sense of melancholy, because this is the beginning of the end of their friendship, but the last moment was incredibly touching. 

And so they sat there, hand in hand, staring out at the reflection of the setting sun on the river.

If I'd been your beta, I would have advised you to make that your ending. The sentences that follow are stating the obvious and detract from the beauty of the first one. It's trying to gild the lily. Natural simplicity is best.



Author's Response: Thank you, dearest Paige! What a lovely review. In this fic they're about to go into their fifth year, so it's more or less the beginning of the end of their friendship, as you put it. I'm glad you liked the details; I've always been of the opinion that they're what makes a story. :) I'll take all your suggestions on board when I look over this story again (I'm planning to edit all my fics this summer). Again, thanks for a wonderful review!

 

Rebellion! by Sainyn Swiftfoot
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 4]

Summary: There is a rebellion-- at Hogwarts! But it is the most unlikely people rebelling...

A very silly and light-hearted poem where, in certain parts, I try to emulate Dr Seuss.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 197 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
04/26/09 Updated: 05/01/09


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 12/22/09 Title: Chapter 1: Rebellion!

Your mention of Dr. Seuss in the summary is what drew me to this poem. It promised whimsy and "lots of fun things that are funny." I think you delivered on that promise. The Hogwarts twist on Sing a Song of Sixpence was clever, and "Large and Luscious and lurid--oh my!" was smilingly reminiscent of "lions, and tigers, and bears--oh my!" in the Wizard of Oz.

It made me chuckle to "hear" house-elves threaten gore and then "see" the teachers calmly put down their teacups and say, "Hermione!" Your imagery is vivid and the poem was entertaining.

I must say, however, that the rhyme scheme felt forced and wasn't truly Seuss-like. As the Cat in the Hat says, "It is fun to have fun, but you have to know how.” Did you ever sit down with a Dr. Seuss book and examine the different rhyming patterns he uses? 

To emulate Seuss, pick a pattern, any pattern, and see what happens to your poem. Here’s what came to me:

The headmaster of Hogwarts sits down to eat
Jerky and jams and a jelly blue sweet.
And in the middle of it all sits a blueberry pie,
Large and luscious and lurid-- oh my!
 

I hope I’ve helped, but in the end, in the words of Oh the Places You’ll Go: 

You’re on your own. And
you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll
decide where to go . . . .  

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent
   guaranteed.)

ETA: I originally reviewed on October 1st, but I deleted and reposted it December 22nd without the Seuss quotes, which were given to be helpful yet in retrospect made me feel Grinchy.

 

Merry Christmas!

 

Scratches by Indigoenigma
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 1]

Summary: Ariana Dumbledore knows that her life has not always been a blessing to those around her.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 211 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
04/29/09 Updated: 05/08/09


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 05/12/09 Title: Chapter 1: Scratches

You've portrayed an interesting relationship between Albus and his sister. I had to look up "scurf." It means dandruff or scaly encrustation. Unusual word choice. :)

Author's Response: I have always loved that word for some reason. Thank you!

 

Forever Yours by coolh5000
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 51]

Summary: A year after the battle, Ron decides that he is ready to propose, and does everything he can to ensure his proposal is just right.

After Hermione says yes however, the happy couple quickly discover that planning the perfect wedding is not always easy, and there are plenty of problems to be overcome before they can finally make it down the aisle.



Categories: Ron/Hermione Genre: Warnings: Mild Profanity

Word count: 23543 Chapters: 6 Completed: Yes
Published:
05/04/09 Updated: 02/06/12


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 09/18/09 Title: Chapter 1: The Question

You're such a better person than I am, welcoming concrit especially. :D I do believe to err is human, to edit, divine, although to me getting concrit is like getting a "practical" gift instead of one that sparkles. Yes, it's useful and you appreciate it, but it doesn't make your eyes light up or bring a smile to your face for days afterward, LOL.

Your story made me smile, so I hope your muse is summoned by the eagerness of your readers to experience what happens next along with Ron and Hermione. I'll be honest, though, and tell you I believe you don't need anything but bum glue to start writing. Stick your bum in a chair, put on a timer, don't allow yourself to get up or do anything but write, and it will be magical how words form and become paragraphs and then pages. ;)

They say it's the little things that count and there are so many details in your story I enjoyed. Moldy cheese flavored beans, Harry and Ron's banter (“I think you can safely say I won’t be there when you propose, so you’ll be alone then,” was one of my favorite lines), where Ron proposed, and the use of her grandmother's ring.

I liked the way you had Ron admit that he missed the freedom he'd had in Australia, and loved when he said that he'd learned he could never be without Hermione. The honesty is very true to Jo’s characterization of Ron.

I did notice "replied" and "added" were used frequently.  You have “There’s certainly something about this place,” replied Ron and  “I love you, too, Ron,” she replied in back to back, very important paragraphs. If you changed Hermione's "replied" to "said with a radiant smile" or something else suitable it would cut the repetitiveness and add to the "Aww" factor. :)

Added, like explained and some of your other attribution tags, repeats what's already implied clearly by the dialogue.

“Th-thanks,” stuttered Ron.

 

“Stop!” interrupted Ron

 

“I’ll help you,” Hermione reassured him.

 

“Your grandmother’s ring,” he finished.

 

It's just something to keep in mind in future chapters, along with making sure you start a new paragraph when changing from on pov to another and keeping what a character does and says together. For example:

 

He took her hand and they headed to McGonagall’s office. She took only one look at their faces and let out an exclamation of delight, immediately knowing that Ron’s plan must have been a success.

“Congratulations! I’m so pleased for you both. I hope that you will be very happy together.”

 

Which I think should read: 

 

 He took her hand and they headed to McGonagall’s office.

 

She took only one look at their faces and let out an exclamation of delight, immediately knowing that Ron’s plan must have been a success. “Congratulations! I’m so pleased for you both. I hope that you will be very happy together.”

 

A couple of paragraphs down from that, if you ended the sentence at waist, drop a paragraph and put “She smiled” before "I can't believe we're getting married" it would improve the flow and clearly show who said, "I can't believe"

 

I can't believe my review went on so long, but remember: you asked for it :D, and my review was given in hopes of being both constructive and encouraging.

 

(Hint, hint, tell the muse you'll write without her fickle presence if you have to! Watch. She’ll come running.)

 

 
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