Penname: Kerichi [Contact]
Real name: Paige
Member Since: 11/14/05
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I'm an avid reader turned fanfiction writer who aims to one day be paid for original stories, but for now is satisfied with the invaluable reward of reviews (and three Quicksilver Quill awards). ^_^
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Reviews by Kerichi
 

Summary: I couldn't imagine it was gone. But then, the magic never really is gone, is it? No, it never really ends. So what if? What if the journey continues? What if... Voldemort had a Grand-daughter? Now she must make a decission; she can choose to be good, or she follow in her grandparents' wake - and take it out on Harry Potter's youngest son.

Categories: Next Generation Genre: Warnings: Mild Profanity

Word count: 499 Chapters: 1 Completed: No
Published:
02/24/15 Updated: 03/05/15


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 06/13/15 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue

I love the movie Willow, so I'm a sucker for save the baby prologues, and yours pulled me in with the man being pursued through the snow. The crunch of his steps revealing his position gave it an added tension and sense of urgency. I was left with questions, and one you could have answered is where is the orphanage located. A few telling details would have shown that the prologue is taking place in Scotland or Wales or wherever and grounded the story.

Tom Jr. wanting his child to grow up away from the madness is touching. The only problem for me was the note. Naming her Bellatrix Riddle makes the mistaken for Muggleborn dream impossible. If he'd named her something else, a constellation name and her mother's maiden name or the name Black (who wouldn't believe Sirius had an accidental love child?) would remind readers of her true family without making the girl an instant target of loathing or reverence to the rest of the Wizarding world.

The story has a lot of promise. I hope you find inspiration and continue. :)

 

Summary: Long ago, in a time of darkness, the Founders lived. You've all heard the stories, I'm sure...and yet, what do you really know of these famous four? Travel with me now across the reaches of time and uncover their history as it's never been seen before, a learn of the tales you school books will not say. Witness the meeting, the adventures, the magic, and the danger.



Prepare yourselves, for the Founders are coming...

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death, Mild Profanity, Violence

Word count: 5400 Chapters: 2 Completed: No
Published:
03/08/15 Updated: 05/01/15


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 06/25/15 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter one: The Beginning

Your astonishment over the lack of stories for the characters made me grin. I think that's why most writers turn to fan fiction: there so much authors have to leave to the imagination. Wanting to know more about characters leads to writing stories to fill in those gaps. I'll admit, the Founders have been about as interesting to me as miscellaneous facts about relatives who are merely dates of birth and death on family trees. So that's where you come in. You make the Founders live and breathe. You round out their characters and give them depth. They become people to care about instead of names I'm told to revere because the fandom wouldn't exist without them. ;)

I loved your opening line. Long ago, in a time of darkness evokes both galaxies far, far away and humble shires from which unexpected heroes spring. The opening paragraph could be the first stanza in a poem, with it's rhyming Glen and Fen. It establishes the story world and tone nicely.

Amara's thought that Salazar was just like his father had been made me pay more attention to Ingvar in Godric's pov for hints of the kind of wizard Salazar would become. Had a Princess Bride smiley moment reading "Florin" (Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin).

You did an excellent job of conveying the qualities Godric has that will become Gryffindor hallmarks. The bold charm and self-confidence, even while blundering around and wishing he could just get some blasted directions. You show it in the way he carries his sword, the way he leans nonchalantly, even the way he verbally takes a poke at his old mentor, laughing when he sees the small twinkle in his eyes. It calls to mind Sirius and James and Fred and George and makes me care about him. He's endearing.

I hope you, like Godric, tend to consider it a compliment. :)

 
Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 06/25/15 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 2: Begginings are only starts of an end

Sights and smells trigger memories, and you showed that well at the beginning of this chapter. Made me want to live in a cottage with piles of books and bundles of herbs hanging from the rafters, scenting the room warmed by a fire. Ingvar and Godric's relationship has a depth beyond mentor/apprentice. The reminiscence was poignant, as was their different outlooks on how to deal with the persecution of magical children. Godric wants to take bold action. Ingvar feels he has both lost too much and has too much to lose.

Salazar's ability added a new dimension to his character. I wish you had shown how he felt about Godric. Was he resentful? Indifferent? Sometimes a parent and child who have similar personalities clash. How does Salazar get along with his father?

The ending reminds me of stories where the reluctant hero is forced to act. I have a feeling that Godric will save the day, but I can't help wanting Salazar to let loose with a burst of wild magic.

 

Even the Most Unlikely by Wenlock
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 3]

Summary: We fear most that which we don’t understand. Dorcas Meadowes is a journalist, devoted to telling the truth about You-Know-Who.

We fear least that which we have defeated. Alastor Moody is an Auror, fighting to end the war.

Their hearts are full - full of courage and steely resolve to win the war, with no room, they think, for anything else.
But they don’t know that even the most unlikely people can find love.

Warning: You might recall that Dorcas Meadowes was in the original Order of the Phoenix, and that Voldemort killed her personally. If you’re looking for an overwhelmingly happy love story, I’m sorry to say that you won’t find it here.

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 2245 Chapters: 2 Completed: No
Published:
04/18/15 Updated: 06/08/15


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 06/29/15 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Alastor is such a vivid character, I'm glad you're giving him a romance. Love doesn't have to end happily to make readers happy. It's the old "Better to have loved and lost" axiom.

Dorcas is one of those names without a face characters. Yes, Voldemort killed her personally, but the reason is left to the imagination. I'll be interested to read your take on it.

Substance abuse is such a terrible sounding warning, but it really just warns readers that more than social drinking is going on. You have Dorcas and Alastor drink shots of absinthe before switching to his hip flask. As the drinks take effect he's "laughing in a most undignified manner at her increasingly slurred criticisms of her colleague" and then he says the words he "couldn't say while sober." The characters are adults and they don't usually get plastered, but at the end of this chapter they have definitely abused alcohol, and who could blame them?

Maybe you could edit your author's note to say you decided against it because the only time the characters don't drink responsibly is in the first chapter. I think that's a valid reason. :)

 
Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 06/29/15 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 2

This is a seriously fun chapter, and true to life. In dark times people turn to gossip and entertainment to lighten their days. Loved Sirius and imagining his hearty laugh.

 

Seized by HeyMrsPotter
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 4]

Summary: Astoria Greengrass has been kidnapped. Draco is so desperate to find her that he enlists the help of Harry, Ron, and Hermione. With a growing list of suspects, and Draco keeping secrets, finding her seems an impossible task. And if they do find her, how will she react to the friendship that is blossoming between Draco and Hermione?

Categories: Mystery, Hermione/Draco, Post-Hogwarts Genre: Warnings: Epilogue? What Epilogue?, Strong Profanity

Word count: 5922 Chapters: 3 Completed: No
Published:
05/29/15 Updated: 06/08/15


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 06/13/15 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue

Have you ever seen the film Fargo? When I read that the wizards passed through the wards "effortlessly" I wondered if Draco was arranging the kidnapping of his wife so he could use the ransom money to pay off gambling debts. Then I wondered if Lucius had given the kidnappers the counter wards. JKR said he and Narcissa found their daughter-in-law disappointing (due to her tolerance for Muggles and Half-bloods, no doubt).

Astoria's rather passive and fatalistic, which if you're setting up a Draco/Hermione romance, is effective in making her not very sympathetic.

The kidnapper's yellowing teeth and filthy beard make me wonder if he's a werewolf. Nicely done.

 
Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 06/13/15 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 2

Hermione brush floo dust carelessly onto a rug and break her word to attend a family dinner just to prepare for an upcoming meeting. Inconceivable! I see why you want to set up that she and Ron are having problems (makes her attraction to Draco less 'you slag' and more 'Ron drove her to it', and them hardly seeing each other in months and Ron not being playful about her washing dishes the Muggle way anymore, or preferring to help George in the shop on weekends when she brings work home show that in a real, sympathetic way that's much more effective than having her slip into bed beside a "loudly snoring" Ron. Making Ron an anger management case (and snoring!) git isn't necessary. And it's cliche. Showing why Hermione can't help feeling jealous of what Harry and Ginny have is more than enough.

 
Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 06/13/15 Title: Chapter 3: Chapter 3

Draco an Auror working with Harry and Ron? I see another reason for the Epilogue? What Epilogue? tag. :D Trying to get my head around it. Will focus on Ron and Hermione. His holey shirt was as over the top as the Malfoy engagement notice. One thing I've noticed about people who grow up poor is when they are successful and buy their wardrobe, they tend to buy only nice things and give them away before they have holes in them.

Hermione's characterization as the superwitch who works long hours and does the cooking and cleaning at home, I can see happening if she's trying to overcompensate for an increasing lack of affection for her partner. Her placating Ron and feebly attempting to change the conversation don't ring as true as when she's exasperated and finally calling him out to say what he'll do if she doesn't learn to separate life and work.

 

Shangri-la by Padfoot11333
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 2]

Summary: Shangri-la (shaŋ-gri-ˈlä) is a remote, beautiful, imaginary place where life approaches perfection.

Or, it is where Luna Lovegood finds herself one day, completely accidentally.



Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 101 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
06/05/15 Updated: 06/05/15


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 06/14/15 Title: Chapter 1: scars on his heart

Shangri-la in the everyday, in being fully present in the now. My first thought: wow, this totally different than I thought it would be. Second thought: Luna could teach Zen masters a thing or two.

I enjoyed the way the rhythm of the poem and phrasing of "well, death" evoked the character so well that I could have read "She forgets" and known it was Luna's pov by the end of the first stanza. The contrast of physical and emotional scars was poignant. The only concrit I have is the use of "I" in the last line jarred me a bit. I can see why you wouldn't want to use "you", but since she's being universal, for some reason I expected her to say, "than one would have guessed."

So glad I went looking for something to read today!

 
Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 06/14/15 Title: Chapter 1: scars on his heart

Shangri-la in the everyday, in being fully present in the now. My first thought: wow, this totally different than I thought it would be. Second thought: Luna could teach Zen masters a thing or two.

I enjoyed the way the rhythm of the poem and phrasing of "well, death" evoked the character so well that I could have read "She forgets" and known it was Luna's pov by the end of the first stanza. The contrast of physical and emotional scars was poignant. The only concrit I have is the use of "I" in the last line jarred me a bit. I can see why you wouldn't want to use "you", but since she's being universal, for some reason I expected her to say, "than one would have guessed."

So glad I went looking for something to read today!

 

Weaver of Dawn by The computer is an enigma
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 2]

Summary: Voldemort is back, but due to Lucius's failure in the Department of Mysteries, the once prosperous Malfoys find themselves degraded and dangerously close to obliteration. Draco returns to Hogwarts in his sixth year as a Death Eater, wanting only to fulfill his mission and save his parents. Meanwhile, Hermione discovers a mysterious diadem in the Room of Requirement, and despite all care and caution, ends up falling prey to its peculiar enchantment. Little do they know, the problems on their hands are connected, and the path they trace to understanding unexpectedly leads them to understand each other. They begin to cooperate with Harry's mission to destroy the Horcruxes, but their journey has unforeseen consequences: for themselves, for their friends, and finally, for the two other people they end up saving in the process.

--

This is a Dramione AU. It is canon-compliant up to Book Six and keeps to the spirit of Books 6 and 7, adding its own twist to the canon plot.

Categories: Hermione/Draco Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe

Word count: 24754 Chapters: 4 Completed: No
Published:
06/11/15 Updated: 06/24/15


Reviewer: Kerichi Signed
Date: 06/25/15 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue (i): The Family

Hello, I kept seeing your updates and reminding myself to check out your story, and I finally have. Love the title of your story. It has an epic ring to it, dramatic and romantic.

When I saw that you had a multi-chapter prologue, and each chapter had a substantial word count, I did wonder why you hadn't turned your prologue into a stand alone story. I think of prologues as tools to give a needed bit of backstory (getting it out of the way so you won't have to keep having flashbacks later) and hook the reader. Some writers use it to show a character pov that won't be used anywhere else in a story.

You've done an excellent job of establishing your version of Narcissa and her family. Your descriptions are vivid. Andromeda Black was of a different sort. She was Bellatrix's near identical in appearance, but her regally-etched features were offset by a clarifying calm which both grounded and sharpened her. They reveal character and have an elegance and richness that match the tone of the story.

But while Bellatrix pursued glory and power in her birthright, and Andromeda carved a path of her own, Narcissa remained like a petal in the wind, never quite finding a place to settle. By the time she started school, her sisters were in their third and fourth years and had left her weighty legacies. Anna had secured an apprenticeship with the school nurse and was taking advanced supplementary classes in Herbology. Bella was a member of the dueling club, where she knew the most advanced spells and held the longest winning streak.
Narcissa, however, didn't have any burning passions or prominent talents. The only thing she was willing to call a skill was that she could do reasonably well at anything she applied herself to, but this had always seemed more like a burden than a blessing. It often left her with a feeling of nonfulfillment, trying on one hand to learn everything she could, but at the same time feeling like she could never dig to the bottom of any of it.


There's a Victorian feel to your prologue, a weightiness that comes from long paragraphs and summarized action. It suits your purpose of immersing the reader in Narcissa's pov. I just don't think it serves the purpose of a prologue.
It's too lengthy. It's become its own entity instead of serving the needs of your Draco/Hermione story. I forgot that it was an AU Draco/Hermione story.

If you created a Narcissa/Lucius story from your prologues and used that family history to craft a shorter prologue that reveals a few things that will come into play later in a way that makes us eager to read Draco's pov and see how he's been affected by this obsession to "keep the blood alive" I think you would have two strong stories.

I enjoyed seeing the world through Narcissa's eyes and hope you take the comments and suggestions not as "musts" and "shoulds" but points to consider, with my best wishes.

Author's Response: Hi there, I'm glad you decided to take a look at my story! I've always been interested in Narcissa, especially after learning that she, Bellatrix, and Andromeda were sisters. I grew more fond of them as characters while I was writing this. I played around with the idea of making the prologues Chapters One and Two, but in the end I decided against it because each prologue sets the stage for a certain theme that will define the rest of the story. I did intend for them to stand alone structurally, to give a feeling of two slight closures, but they're connected to the Draco/Hermione part in such a way that I'd rather have them connected physically as well. I hope that the next few chapters will justify my decision. The best I can offer you right now is a promise, but of course, if my method doesn't end up working, I'll be ready to fix the problem. I do have a lot of material for this story, and it would be misleading for me to say that it won't be a long one. (The plot will cover the span of two books, with lots of perspectives and backstories.) So maybe the content of the rest of the story will balance out the length of the prologues. Still, I know this will leave me with the big job of spreading out the information and making sure that the whole thing won't be daunting. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and I'll definitely keep them in mind as I write!

 
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