Please note that this wasn't written by me; it was written by my 18-year-old sister. I thought I would get a better perspective if I made someone else type my bio (or pretend to think so in order to appear more philosphical than I really am). But everything in brackets and the watermelon candy bit is mine. She wrapped me.
Hi. I'm watermelon candy wrapper. Not really, but you shouldn't give your true name out on the internet, or big green monsters will come and eat you up. And have your family for dessert. And your friends for soup.
Boo. Scared you, didn't I? (*re-reads above paragraph and screams in fright*)
I stare at things a lot. My sister says this gives me a pop-eyed myopic frog look. I think it makes me look brilliant. I like to read funny things, and to make sure people are happy and free of spam.
I haunt mugglenet, and (because a certain myopic frog behind me is croaking with the syllables 'gi gont') I think I can speak clearly with my mouth closed and full of ginger ale. (Which tastes good)
WC (!)... W
(Ah, yes, and I'm 13, incase that was the reason you read this. But don't you dare turn that into a subject for criticism - treat me like any of the other authors on this site or I'll give the big green monsters a new item on their menu.)(*Giggles girlishly, incase that was the other reason you read this for*).
Pretty funny, just one thing I want to point out. You ended one diary entry with Snape rushing off to a slumber party, and continued what happened in the next one. The story would have flowed better if you started the latter entry with "there was a slumber party last night", because otherwise it turns into a meaningless sentence just hanging around.
Author's Response: Umm... there WAS no damn slumber party. Don't criticise what you don't read.
Well, you write alright, but the main point of the fic has been defeated; there isn't much humour in it. I guess this would do better under the 'general' section.
That paragraph thing is one point. The other is that your description isn't the most captivating, so the story doesn't flow too well. Other than that, its fine.
Damn enthralling! It has just the right mix of descriptiveness, pace...keep up the awesome work!
Bloody hilarious! I love these chaotic bunches of jokes! Keep it up! Boy, I'm giggling so much, I could pass as drunk...
Still hilarious! But the chapter was filled with much more "random humour", so I'm hoping the original story gets back on track (random humour isn't my favorite). 10/10. By the way, why isn't this in the humour section?
Still brimming with humour! Maintain the pace! 9/10
Rather sweet and funny. The irony is portrayed pretty well.
Wonderfully well-written. Very captivating - I'm really anticipating future chapters.
For a chapter so short, that's pretty darn sweet! Obviously well written - flows smoothly.
Its alright - looks like there's the potential to turn into a good story. Although the bit with Ron was pretty quick, and since it consisted mainly of conversation, I didn't really "feel" for it. But nice overall.
A little lacking in the area of fullstops, don't you think? And sometimes I missed the difference between double quotes and single quotes, so the flow was interrupted.
I thought it was OK. I guess you can take your time because there are a lot of other Hermione/Draco fics that are being updated.
Darn hilarious! 9/10...although this chapter was more culturally specific than the last, so I didn't get a few jokes.
A little tip: have you noticed that 5 sentences start with 'As he' or 'As she'? It would sound a bit better if there wasn't so much repetition. Other than that, I think the story can go pretty far.
The jokes were definitely good. One thing that you might want to avoid though is using the same word twice in consecutive sentences. But it's still hilarious.
Author's Response: Avian020391- Thanks for reading and reviewing my story! I'm glad you thought it was funny. I also appreciate the advice and tried to watch out for that when I wrote the second chapter. Thanks!
Wow...well, written, going good!
Virtually Impeccable! Definite 10/10, but sometimes your lists get too repetitive. Sugestions...um...how about Felix concocts a potion that sends all his potential opponents bonkers - it could open up some humorous possibilities. For some reason I'm thinking of Neville making unexpected comments on erotic paralellograms. But Whatever.
Author's Response: Suggestions always appreciated! I'll throw in something similar...errotic paralellograms? Sure, why not! Thanks for the review - update coming soon!
Chapter 2 was darn funny, but I really didn't like the crude humour. Anyway, i'm giving your story a ten just to boost the rating (because it definitely deserves a better one).
Excellent random humour! My sister didn't appreciate it, but she is 18. When you're 18, anything that isn't comparible to Wodehouse (she claims for hilarity, I claim for a lot of useless words) is branded as 'stupid', so don't listen to her. The point is to make people laugh, which this story is VERY GOOD AT. My sister is over my shoulder spouting scornful comments like 'that didn't make me laugh' while I endlessly spite her in this review. She still, however, thinks I am an annoying bug, but I'm now just ranting (now she calls me and annoying ranting bug and...oh forget it, this must sound like such a crazy review. I wouldn't be surprised if people think I'm schizophrenic).