Penname: wendelin the wierd [Contact]
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Reviews by wendelin the wierd
 

After the End by Biscuits
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 10]

Summary: When the war is over, the effects remain. Memories of death, destruction and fear haunt all those who are left. Possibly worse are the memories of what they had before. But there cannot be war without death, and those that are left after the end of the war have to adapt to the new word, as it is now.



Character death is featured, but not described.

Written pre Deathly Hallows.

Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 1591 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
04/01/07 Updated: 04/07/07


Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 04/29/07 Title: Chapter 1: After the End


Biscuits, (and cookies and cakes and pastries)

; )

You have a really powerful fic over here. The fact that it is written in first person only serves to make this fic leave a stronger impression on the reader than it already does. I haven’t read many fics about the after-effects of war and what a strong impact it has on the survivors, but among those which I have read, I think this would take its place as one of my favourites.

I was a little confused about the identity of the narrator however. Is it Tonks? Or is it an OC you have created? A brief mention in the author’s note should do the trick.

I also noticed a couple of grammatical errors here and there but those can easily be fixed.

The fighting might be over, but the war hasn’t finished yet. Before we can call it over, we have to put the world to rights. We’ve spent the last few years messing it up, and now those that are left standing have to put it back together, piece by piece.

What a powerful paragraph. Gah! This makes me wish that I could write in first person. I really understand the feeling that you are trying to convey here. One thing I am a bit hesitant on is the repetition of the word ‘put’. Perhaps you can use ‘patch’ the second time instead?

I must tell you; this was by far one of my favourite paragraphs in the fic. Especially the line which says the fighting is over but the war isn’t. That is just beautiful!

Some are optimistic about life after the war. They say it’s a fresh page, a new leaf, free from all our troubles of before. I don’t know about that. Nothing can be perfect, however much we want it. And what about all those we lost, all those who cannot be here to help rebuild?

Someone has to pay for their chance to live


I love the metaphors you have used in the beginning of this paragraph. All of them symbolize a new beginning, a chance to rebuild after the war and set the reader into exactly the right mood. Fantastic job!

But you really should have a period at the end of the last line, dear.

I go there, sometimes, and walk amongst the graves. Some I never knew, others were dear to me. Everyone lost someone they knew and cared about. Death wasn’t picky who it took, Death Eaters and Order members, wizards and Muggles, young and old, all are represented here. The grave of a baby, just seven months old, lies next to the grave of a great-grandmother, killed protecting her great-grandsons.

Illustrating your point through contrast, eh? This is a very important tool in writing fiction but unfortunately, it is hardly used. This really helps in terms of imagery and description. The reader knows exactly what the narrator means here.

They are the living reminders of all the good we’ve failed to do

Many live on, unable to cope, not dead, but not quite living either. We’ve failed these people, just like we’ve failed the dead. They suffer worse than the dead, in a way, as they have to live with their pain every day of their lives, until they too die.


This last paragraph reminds me of Eragon, actually. There is a memorable quote there that states that dying for what you believe in is quite common, living and suffering for what you believe in takes real courage. I absolutely love your description in this paragraph too/

Another period at the end of the first line, dear.

I often think there must be a better way than killing. Not everybody sees it that way though, Voldemort was proof of that. Hermione once told me about one of the Muggle wars, when they were fighting someone called Hitler. They tried to compromise with him, but he just kept on fighting and killing, and so they were forced to fight. Most people thought this was the right thing to do, to stop the death he was causing. But is fighting killing with killing the right thing to do?

I heart the Muggle comparison. You have very cleverly given the reader a parallel to relate to and shown Voldemort’s dictatorship in a new light. Also, your last question is something that has been asked for time immemorial. So kudos to you for tackling these issues!

But those that are left will never forget them. We’ve changed since the war, loosing some of our light heartedness and instead becoming graver and more reflective. I know I have, and I’ve seen the others around me change. We are stronger, we are the survivors. No better than those that have died, but we had luck on our sides it seems.

War does tend to have that powerful effect on everyone. I love your description and portrayal of her character here. Wow. (Minor nitpick- ‘loose’ should be ‘lose.)

Overall, I think you have a really lovely fic in your hands. I loved the description and the imagery and all the elements that have gone into making this fic so powerful. Good job!


Author's Response: Wow, what a lovely review! *squishes fellow Gryff* Thanks for the concrit, I\'ll look at the problems you pointed out again, and you\'re right, I should put who the narrator is somewhere. Thanks again!

 

Young and Restless by joybelle423
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 14]

Summary: It seemed to Sirius that a day hadn't gone by without him seeing the girl at least once. Whether it was in the courtyard, the common room, or the corridors, their shared glances and heated looks entranced him.

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2528 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
04/20/07 Updated: 04/25/07


Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 05/27/07 Title: Chapter 1: Young and Restless

Abigail!

Once more I am adventuring out of my typical MWPP reading into something entirely new- Sirius/OC! So this is a really delightful experience and yours would happen to be the first fic I have read of this kind. (Excluding the one I wrote, of course.)

I absolutely adore your OC and would love to know who she is! You have done a marvelous job of giving her both fieriness and vulnerability. It is a really unusual combination and most authors cannot carry it off without making their characters look like complete Mary-Sue’s. But Abigail, you have managed to do a wonderful job in this aspect. She is a very lovable and friendly character while at the same time she projects an aura of poise.

Sirius too is perfectly in character. We know him to be a bit of a playboy so you have got that part down perfectly. I long to know who this mystery girl is who managed to take Leanne’s Sirius in.

Sirius looked up, startled, at the girl who had just stormed into the common room. He’d seen her around, of course; when you lived in the same dormitory all year, you began to recognise your fellow housemates. He couldn’t remember her name, but he was fairly certain she was only a year under him.

I think that is Sirius right there! You have characterised him wonderfully. You see, it is really typical of him to not remember just another girl or housemate and it is purely human to recognize a face which has been in the background for so long. What I am trying to say is, I really admire your writing style and choice of words here.

‘Do you know, you’re right,’ Sirius said. ‘I mean, that is what I usually do. Not that I shove my tongue down every girl’s throat, but yeah, I don’t normally pay attention to what they’re saying.’

I was really surprised by Sirius’ frank honesty there. But I loved this part! It was so sweet and fluffy! You have a real knack for writing parts that make you want to go ‘Awww….’, Abigail. It was so very sweet. I think Sirius and this mysterious OC are a perfect match for each other.

I loved the wizarding version of ‘Pride and Prejudice’! ‘Potions and Prejudice’ is just priceless and added intrigue to the fic.

Overall, I would say you have a very sweet and fluffy fic on your hands, Abigail. Excellent!

 
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