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Reviews by wendelin the wierd
 

A Single Snowdrop by Gemma Hawk
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 6]

Summary: The night before the Final Battle, Hannah Abbott thinks about her past, present and future. Will she be able to move on with her life? And more importantly, can she help a person crucial to the war?





Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded

Word count: 1685 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/30/06 Updated: 03/30/06


Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 04/11/06 Title: Chapter 1: One-Shot

An excellent story! I have seen very few fics featuring Hannah before. I really like the fact that you view her as an optimist. You can grasp emotions very well and are one of those writers who can actually make a reader feel the story.However a little problem with characterisation in my opinion. Harry is not the type (as potrayed in books) to as such worry about anything. He goes and straight away does his thing. Other than that minuscule fact, everything else was absolutely lovely good show! (hope you win) wendelin the wierd aka thorn

Author's Response: Thanks for that lovely review. I\'m truly flattered. As for Harry, I did hesitate a bit at making him the \"worried and depressed\" that was needed, but I went ahead with it. Thamks so much for reviewing!

 

Unknown Desires by Gemma Hawk
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 10]

Summary: This story won Spring Challenge #6!





Mrs. Norris has drunk a strange potion that makes her want something- without her knowing what it is! Will Mrs. Norris ever find out what she wants? A little bit of Mrs. Norris/Crookshanks.

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1540 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
04/15/06 Updated: 04/17/06


Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 04/22/06 Title: Chapter 1: Oneshot

A lovely story. H.M.S recherche. You know me as thorn.
Now just some very very minor nitpicky stuff.

1) She giggled as she lay down once more and closed her eyes. “Apparently I wasn’t in love with Crookshanks after all,” she murmured. “I just wanted Grangers cat treats.”

Everything is very strange today,” she observed, as she stood up and sighed to herself.

As you can see one is a speech and one is a thought but it would be better if quotation marks aren't used for thoughts.

2)ti quickly stuffed Witch Weekly into her bag and rolled her eyes to Lavender, who grinned.

“Tell me, do you add Death-Cap mushrooms to the Draught of Sleep, or do you not?” he sneered.

I am not sure if to should be used there. The sentence construction woul be better if you said she rolled her eyes at Snape
Well that is all for now I guess, oh wait!

1)must be going insane.” She thought. “They might kick me out of Hogwarts for this. I have the strange feeling that they don’t like insane cats.”

This was an extremely funny line and it adds a wonderful touch of humour to the story. Good Job!

I liked this fic a lot. Romance among cats, who would have thought. I would like to see more of your work, Well done.
Pointless PS- Gryffindor rocks, doesn't it?



Author's Response: Thanks so much for your brilliant review! I luuurve nice long reviews like this once that are filled with CC. Anyway, in response to your review: For the first one, I can see how that might be confusing. I decided to put quotation marks for both thoughts and dialouge, because I guessed that humans can hear/understand neither of them. As for the second one, I can see how that would be confusing too. I don\'t really have anything to say to that. :) I\'m glad you liked it, and yes, Gryffindor tottaly rocks. - Gemma. ;)

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your brilliant review! I luuurve nice long reviews like this once that are filled with CC. Anyway, in response to your review: For the first one, I can see how that might be confusing. I decided to put quotation marks for both thoughts and dialouge, because I guessed that humans can hear/understand neither of them. As for the second one, I can see how that would be confusing too. I don\'t really have anything to say to that. :) I\'m glad you liked it, and yes, Gryffindor tottaly rocks. - Gemma. ;)

 
Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 04/22/06 Title: Chapter 1: Oneshot

A lovely story. H.M.S recherche. You know me as thorn.
Now just some very very minor nitpicky stuff.

1) She giggled as she lay down once more and closed her eyes. “Apparently I wasn’t in love with Crookshanks after all,” she murmured. “I just wanted Grangers cat treats.”

Everything is very strange today,” she observed, as she stood up and sighed to herself.

As you can see one is a speech and one is a thought but it would be better if quotation marks aren't used for thoughts.

2)it quickly stuffed Witch Weekly into her bag and rolled her eyes to Lavender, who grinned.

“Tell me, do you add Death-Cap mushrooms to the Draught of Sleep, or do you not?” he sneered.

I am not sure if to should be used there. The sentence construction would be better if you said she rolled her eyes at Snape
Well that is all for now I guess, oh wait!

1)I must be going insane.” She thought. “They might kick me out of Hogwarts for this. I have the strange feeling that they don’t like insane cats.”

This was an extremely funny line and it adds a wonderful touch of humour to the story. Good Job!

I liked this fic a lot. Romance among cats, who would have thought. I would like to see more of your work, Well done.
Pointless PS- Gryffindor rocks, doesn't it?


Author's Response: Thanks for a beutiful review, Thorn!

Author's Response: Thanks for a beutiful review, Thorn!

 

A Faithful Death Eater by Gemma Hawk
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 6]

Summary: The Dark Lord will return, and I will be given power beyond my wildest dreams, beyond anything I have ever hoped or wished for. That is why I hold out. Because I know that my Lord will come and save me, rescue me from this hell. I know it as surely as I sit here, curled up in a corner of my cell, trying to keep warm. They can torture me in any way they want, but I will never betray my destiny- rejoining with the Dark Lord.







Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1255 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
04/19/06 Updated: 04/21/06


Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 04/29/06 Title: Chapter 1: Oneshot

An excellent story, Gemma! I really like Bellatrix fics. Beautiful and deadly. I am thorn.

Things I liked-
1) Fact that it is written from Bella's POV
2) Flow of the story.
3) Your lovely descriptions especially on appearances and emotions.
4) Flow. I also like the way Bella admires the mark. Say, is this a Bella/Voldie story?


Author's Response: Thanks for the lovely review!

 
Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 04/29/06 Title: Chapter 1: Oneshot

Sorry, my previous review got cut off because I hit enter by mistake-

An excellent story, Gemma! I really like Bellatrix fics. Beautiful and deadly. I am thorn.

Things I liked-
1) Fact that it is written from Bella's POV
2) Flow of the story.
3) Your lovely descriptions especially on appearances and emotions.
4) Flow. I also like the way Bella admires the mark. Say, is this a Bella/Voldie story?
However, I do not think Death Eaters will mind demeantors that much. That might just be me though.

Overall, I must say excellent work! Well done!

Author's Response: Aw, Thorn I just love your reviews! You\'re too kind. A Bella/Voldie story? I dunno, maybe Bella does have a crush on Voldie, but I don\'t think Voldie would ever be able to fall in love. I see your point about dementors, but I think that they effect everyone. Seeing how the dementors used to be on Voldie\'s side, then maybe the Death Eaters don\'t mind them much. Thanks so much!

 

Cornelius Oswald Fudge by Vader
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 5]

Summary: This is a submissions for Poetry, Anyone?'s Contest, Challenge # 1 is Apathy is Lethal. The title pretty much summarizes what the poem is about. Gryffindor.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 105 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
04/28/06 Updated: 04/29/06


Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 04/30/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 2

This is not a review I am afraid. I am busy right now. I just wanted to remind you to include your house in the summary.

 
Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 04/30/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 2

This is not a review I am afraid. I am busy right now. I just wanted to remind you to include your house in the summary.

Author's Response: Thank you. I have added the information in my summary. In the future, since this was not a review, perhaps it would be more appropriate to send an email to an author who, like I did, may have omitted something important in a summary. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to point that out.

 

Summary: SEQUEL TO TRUTH BE TOLD. After the events of the day Hogwarts' pumpkin juice had been spiked with truth potion, Hermione vowed revenge. Many students were still under it's effects, even after it should have worn off. Hogwarts' most famous pranksters should have know better than to mess with Hermione Granger. She was about to show them that revenge is a dish best served to a Weasley.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 3984 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
05/30/06 Updated: 06/02/06


Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 07/07/06 Title: Chapter 1: One-shot

Wow! this humour fic was simply awesome!

Ok, in the majority of parts it was hilarious! Especially the 'Gred' and 'Forge' part in the end.

But since some of these jokes may not be suitable for younger audiences, I was thinking about raising the rating a bit? 6-7th years maybe?


And the last part was especially funny


“You know, Forge, it seems as though both of our younger siblings are smitten.”

“You’re quite right, Gred.”

“Forge, do we have any of that sample of Cupid’s Dart potion left?”

George grinned widely. “Why yes…yes we do.”

Fred clapped George on the shoulder. “How about we invite our favorite delivery man over for a break? You could show him around the store.”

George chuckled knowingly. “And what will you be doing, brother dear?”

“Sowing the seeds of love, Forge my boy. Sowing the seeds of love.”


Uber-hilarious.

Overall, a praise-worthy effort. Well Done!

 

Cliché Nation by just_the_contrary
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 328]

Summary: A compilation of the most commonly used Harry Potter clichés in the fandom. Features Angsty!Harry, Sweet!Draco, Head Dorms, sudden romances in the forms of Ron/Hermione, Harry/Ginny and of course, Draco/Hermione, because what's a cliché without them?

The Marauders also make an appearance in this fic, including Lily/Lily's best friend/Lily's other best friend.

Warning: mention of hippopotamuses inside.

Chapter Five is up! The story is done. Also, thank you to everyone who nominated this neatly tied bundle of ridiculousness in the QQ awards, I really appreciate it!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 6689 Chapters: 5 Completed: Yes
Published:
06/03/06 Updated: 09/29/06


Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 11/16/06 Title: Chapter 1: A Collection of All-Sorts

Wow! I liked it. A rather twisted parody of all the normal clichés. This is just the second humour fic I have reviewed. I am usually into dark fics and prefer dark romance. However, I really liked a few which made fun of all the clichés.


You fic has taken it's place among those few.


Did you write the beginning yourself? That poem? Because I really liked it. It's got good rhythm and serves as a very nice introduction to the story ahead.

Now, let me start with all the basic issues of this story.

First of all the angsty Harry part did wonders. It was hilarious, especially-

“I WANT SAUSAGES!” he told everyone in the Great Hall. He climbed up onto the wooden bench. “WHY ARE THERE NO SAUSAGES? I FIGHT VOLDEMORT, WHO YOU ARE ALL SO SCARED OF, SO WHY CAN’T I GET THE BREAKFAST OPTIONS I WANT? I AM SO ANGRY!”

And of course,

“NO I’M NOT!” Harry then stood up on his seat. “I AM VERY ANGSTY RIGHT NOW SO PLEASE DON’T INSULT ME! HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF VOLDEMORT TRIED TO KILL YOU EVERY FIVE MINUTES?”

Ron wasn’t listening because he was busy snogging Hermione.


That part actually made me laugh out loud. It's portrayed very well, and believe me, the number of times I have read angsty Harry.

Good use of the Mary-Sue's as well. They are really cliché' though what I liked best here was their names. You really chose very sparklypoo names.


You used the masquerade cliché well too. But funnily enough one of my favourite stories is centered around it. However, it is often badly written. I liked the part where Ron states how overused it is. I couldn't agree with him more.

Now for a bit of concrit,

I didn't understand one part. In the beginning and the end of the story it's Ron/Hermione all the way but then somewhere in the middle it was Draco/Hermione? That was a tad bit confusing. I would suggest using Draco/Hermione in one chapter and Ron/Hermione in one chapter.

Well, that's all for now. This was a rather pleasant read and I hope to see a lot more from you! Good luck.


Author's Response: Ooh! Such a long review! I love long reviews. I really appreciate all the concrit. Well, I guess it\'s true I should have had the Hermione ships in seperate chapters, but it was meant to be stupid and I can\'t really go back and change it. :) But thank you so much and I\'m happy that you actually enjoyed humour!

 
Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 06/09/06 Title: Chapter 1: A Collection of All-Sorts

Wow! I liked it. A rather twisted parody of all the normal cliches. This is just the second humour fic I have reviewed. I am usually into dark fics and prefer dark romance. However, I really liked a few which made fun of all the cliches.


You fic has taken it's place among those few.


Did you write the beginning yourself? That poem? Because i really liked it. It's got good rhythm and serves as a very nice introduction to the story ahead.

Now, let me start with all the basic issues of this story.

First of all the angsty Harry part did wonders. It was hilarious, especially-

“I WANT SAUSAGES!” he told everyone in the Great Hall. He climbed up onto the wooden bench. “WHY ARE THERE NO SAUSAGES? I FIGHT VOLDEMORT, WHO YOU ARE ALL SO SCARED OF, SO WHY CAN’T I GET THE BREAKFAST OPTIONS I WANT? I AM SO ANGRY!”

and of course,

“NO I’M NOT!” Harry then stood up on his seat. “I AM VERY ANGSTY RIGHT NOW SO PLEASE DON’T INSULT ME! HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF VOLDEMORT TRIED TO KILL YOU EVERY FIVE MINUTES?”

Ron wasn’t listening because he was busy snogging Hermione.



That part actually made me laugh out loud. It's potrayed very well, and believe me, the number of times I have read angsty Harry.

Good use of the Mary-Sue's as well. They are really cliche' though what I liked best here was their names. You really chose very sparklypoo names.


You used the masquerade cliche well too. But funnily enough one of my favourite stories is centred around it. However, it is often badly written. I liked the part where Ron states how overused it is. I couldn't agree with him more.

Now for a bit of concrit,

I didn't understand one part. In the beginning and the end of the story it's Ron/Hermione all the way but then somewhere in the middle it was Draco/Hermione? That was a tad bit confusing. I would suggest using Draco/Hermione in one chapter and Ron/Hermione in one chapter.

Well, that's all for now. This was a rather pleasant read and I hope to see a lot more from you! Good luck.

Author's Response: Wow, such a long review! Thank you so much. I\'m glad you liked it. Yes, I did write the beginning poem myself. It\'s kind of their House song/cheerleading routine, because they\'re Sparklypoo and they need one. lol. The thing is, I was thinking of doing a choosing-between-Ron and Draco kind of thing in a later chapter, but I\'m not sure. You\'re right though, it is confusing but I just wanted to add in the masquerade ball. :) And I love writing Angsty!Harry. It\'s so much fun. :) Thank you again! I\'m off to review one of your stories and then beta your one-shot!

 

Are You Brave Enough? by megan_lupin
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 4]

Summary: Whether the obstacles be ordinary and mundane or nearly impossible and dangerous, questions always arise in regards to those obstacles. One question that has been, and will always be asked, is that of bravery --- Are you brave enough?

Written for the Gryffindor In-House Banner Challenge.

Edit: Received Second Place!

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 301 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/07/06 Updated: 08/10/06


Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 01/15/07 Title: Chapter 1: Are You Brave Enough?

Hey Megan!

Let me start off by saying how much I appreciate your house unity. This short poem really reflects on your house spirit as well as that of the characters. Gryffindor is proud to have a brave lion like you.

I think you captured the mood this challenge was trying to convey perfectly. This whole poem in fact has this questioning sort of air, as if asking the reader ifhe is brave enough and yet you manage to keep it non-aggressive. The words you use although simple are beautifully chosen and help the poem to really flow.

Now I shall proceed to give you line by line critique or rather two lines by two lines critique-

To enter a world that you barely know:
Are you brave enough?


I love the way you describe their entry to Hogwarts. Almost every child goes through this on their first day of school so it really pulls in a reader and helps the reader relate to these lines. Out of the trio I think it describes Harry the best since Ron and Hermione have both been in touch with magic before but Harry has never come in contact with it. Another angle of looking at it is Harry’s entrance to the magical world. Which did you mean? It must have been strange to be suddenly thrust into a new world like that and learn so many new things you have never learnt before.

To make friends with him or her:
Are you brave enough?


I am guessing this is the first time Harry and Ron meet because we know in cannon that Harry and Hermione met much later on. So I am confused who the ‘her’ in ‘him or her’ is? Is it Hermione? On the other hand if you were speaking in general I think that there must be many canon instances where this would fit. On the other hand, the insecurities that come along with making a new friend is really powerful here. Well done!

To face your fears and help a friend:
Are you brave enough?


These are such powerful lines and I can think of so many moments in cannon that are perfectly suited for this. The mountain troll in first year…the fire…Ron and his spiders…the list goes on and on. I really love the rhythmic beat and feel there is to this whole poem. The lines all have a fixed number of syllables in the beginning.

To stand by him in times of doubt:
Are you brave enough?

To stay together through troubled times:
Are you brave enough?

To stay together through troubled times:
Are you brave enough?


Is it just me or do these describe the time in ‘The Chamber of Secrets’ when everyone thinks that Harry is the heir of Slytherin? Anyway, to me this is what truly reflects the Gryffindor spirit. So yes, these lines definitely conveyed the most in the whole poem. It definitely takes courage to stand by someone when they are being humiliated or spoken against. And to take the plunge shows daring and the recklessness that we Gryffies often show and definitely an important quality. I should think that you have included that rather well to capture just the right feel in this poem.


To fight the creatures of fear:
Are you brave enough?


To confront the dark unknown:
Are you brave enough?


These lines did mange to show strong emotions but here the rhythm was off. Maybe if it had the same beat as the rest of the poem? Also, combining the two paragraphs seems like a good idea here. You should get something like this-

To fight the creatures of dark unknown
Are you brave enough?

It holds the same meaning as the above four lines and yet gives rhythm to the poem.

To remain united and together until the end:
Are you brave enough?


What a perfect ending to this lovely poem! It raises the most important question of all, that of unity and undying loyalty.

Overall, I must say that this whole poem was nicely written (even if it could use some improvements in flow) and for a first-time poetry author it was a very good job. Well done!


Author's Response: Hey, Wendelin. First off, thank you for the beginning compliment; I do love this House so much! And secondly, wow, what a lengthy review! Yay!

Thanks so much for all the comments and critiquing, Wendelin. Considering this was my first fan fiction poem, it really helps in lending some insight on how to improve in future endeavours.

I did, purposefully, keep a lot of lines very vague, but you were definitely right in picking up the allusion to the Chamber of Secrets storyline. The entire poem was thought up in thinking about Harry, mostly, and those lines were focussed on the adventures of the trio in CoS.

They rhythm was, actually, entirely unintentional, but I, now, see what you mean in how those few lines don\'t flow as well as the rest of the poem. I appreciate your pointing it out to me.

And the ending. I\'m very glad you liked it, as it\'s definitely my favourite part of all of this (short) poem. It\'s an indefinite stretch that can span anything and everything, and really hits on the trio and their feelings in the last two books. (As a matter of fact, those two lines came in before anything else, other than the repetitiveness of \"Are you brave enough?\")

Once again, thank you so much for the wonderful review. Considering how much I admire your own work, it means a lot.

~Megan

 

Summary: Past Featured StoryWhat no one else could do, she will, when the church bells ring.



Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded, Character Death

Word count: 1433 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
09/21/06 Updated: 09/21/06


Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 04/21/07 Title: Chapter 1: One-Shot

Patrick, you know how much I heart you right? But so much evil villainy! Why all this negative energy? Breathe in, breathe out.

Now, I enjoyed your fic and in case you have never heard me rant and rave about it in a spew chat before you hear me now. You know as well as I do that this is excellennt stuff but nooooooo, you couldn't review yourself.

But I do what I have to for 'Heroes'.

My first reaction to this fic- Oh my pwned gosh!

I love the parallels to chess and the interludes in between like this paragraph-


“You think of it as a game --”

She knows her enemy

“You left Hogwarts in a thousand ashes --”

She keeps her friends close

“Did you not realize you would leave a trail for which I could follow?”

But she keeps her enemy closer.



That rocks so much!

I loved the way you wrote Cho. She isn't very popular in the fanfic world but you have captured her. I never thought that she would play such a crucial role in the war. but once again, you have done it!This fic had a lovely style as well, a certain Patrick-ness which I really liked.

Despite all your dangling-a-carrot-in-front-of-my-face'ness,you are a lovely author. Keep it up!


Now that I buttered you, will you tell me?


Author's Response: I already told you, so, uhm, thanks for the review!

 

The Ritual of Life by LadyAlesha
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 6]

Summary: Bill and his mentor Mustafa El-Orabi make a phenomenal discovery in an Ancient Egyptian tomb that has the potential to change the Wizarding World forever


Posted by LadyAlesha of Hufflepuff House for Professor Slian Martreb's WWW class.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 3768 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/01/06 Updated: 11/03/06


Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 02/03/07 Title: Chapter 1: one-shot


I absolutely loved this fic, the imagery is so powerful and the myths you included weave an air of magic. You have clearly done extensive research and incorporating it in a fic is certainly not an easy job.

Bill as a curse-breaker, I don’t believe I have seen any of this before. But I really haven’t though much about his job; it’s amazing that you have done so much with such an unexplored area of fandom. You also describe the desert and camel rides perfectly, exactly like I imagined them.

So you thought, maybe they were marking the place, where a tomb is buried in the desert? Just like that?” Bill asked sarcastically. He couldn’t help himself; the professor always had this effect on him. Whenever he was around, Bill felt as if he was merely a naughty schoolboy, trying to play an adult’s game. The professor didn’t take him seriously. Not once had he listened to one of Bill’s suggestions, only accepting them as good and worth a shot when Mustafa repeated them.

In this paragraph, I can see the tension between them. It also shows Bill’s character perfectly, an independent, strong-willed man who doesn’t like being talked down to. This whole paragraph flowed really well for me.

Down here in Egypt Muggles and wizards were working together closely when it came to excavations

I like the fact that Muggles didn’t know that they were working with wizards. However, this sentence doesn’t flow too well. It seems to be missing a comma after Egypt.


Oh Nephthys, it’s terrible,” she wailed.

Nephthys, her arms still around the distraught woman, rubbed her back soothingly. “Shh, sister. Everything will work out. You have found your husband’s body and brought it back, Thoth will do the rest. It’s out of your hands now.”


I had a tiny problem here, isn’t Isis the goddess of healing? Wouldn’t she have been able to cure her husband had all the pieces been found? This paragraph just didn’t tie in with the myth even if it is well-written

Overall, you did a very nice job with the whole fic. It had the perfect ending and the perfect start. Except for a few grammatical mistakes, I really enjoyed this and would love to see more from you!


Author's Response: Wendelin, thanks a lot for your review. As to your questions: It\'s part of the myth of Osiris and Isis that she couldn\'t heal him and Thoth had to perform the Ritual of Life on him, that\'s not something I invented. I think this is because while she may be the goddess of healing, Osiria was dead and not injured. Even the best healer can\'t cure death, not even a goddess. I hope that made sense. *hugs*

 

Come Undone by wendelin the wierd
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 4]

Summary: This is written for the October Monthly Challenge#3 by wendelin the wierd of Gryffindor.



Come Undone is an all new action-packed adventure game based on the fic 'They come Undone' written by the ever talented kumy.





Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe, Character Death

Word count: 1015 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/16/06 Updated: 11/16/06


Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 10/01/08 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

*Giggles* Nothing in particular but I actually happen to really like him. This fic was written for a challenge where we had to devise a game based on a fic by some other author. Thanks for the review!

 

There is a Method to his Madness by Polaris
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 6]

Summary: Why is Moody so bent on constant vigilance?





Written for DADA taught by Professor VV.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 1543 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/16/06 Updated: 11/17/06


Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 02/13/07 Title: Chapter 1: A Reason for Constant Vigilance

I must admit, what first drew me in to your fic was the title. It holds a certain air of mystery and made me feel that I had to read this fic! Anyway, were you having plot bunnies for dinner that night?

Your fic was definitely touching and throughout the whole thing I could strongly feel the regret you were trying to show. Especially in the last few paragraphs. Moody’s devotion to his daughter was heartbreaking as well, it was written really powerfully.

You have captured Alastor Moody’s emotions perfectly. Andrew seems to be a well-rounded character as well, but what bothered me was the characterisation of Emilia, she seems to be a lot like Alice Longbottom. Maybe you should stress on her defining characteristics more?

As mentioned before, you have written this whole fic very powerfully, especially-

And always remember Emilia. Your daughter, your beautiful, kind, loving, independent daughter, who taught you this lesson. Even the most stubborn of us will eventually break...we need to learn to fight it off. Constant vigilance!

These lines were written in an almost poetic style. They held so much meaning and were so beautiful…It really gives a new twist to ‘constant vigilance’ and why Moody is so fanatical about it. To me, this was by far the best paragraph in the whole fic.

"I'll tell her to do her chores and she'll never pout again..."



Moody put his face in his hands then suddenly looked up, "Will I ever tell her to do her chores again?"


This shows how he treasures even the day-to-day activities with her. It has a really profound effect on the reader. You can almost feel Moody’s loss here.

Now, I have a series of grammar nitpicks which have been bothering me-

Mad-Eye Moody sat on the couch in front of the television watching wizarding tv. Surfing the news channels for a familiar face. Never admitting to himself it was actually only one face he was looking for.

Nothing. Nothing. And, again. Nothing.


You have one broken up paragraph here. Each sentence runs into the next but it seems to be pushed back by the periods. Also, T.V is always capitalised. This paragraph just seems to be a bit awkwardly phrased. My suggestion would be to make it-

Mad-Eye Moody sat on the couch in front of the television watching wizarding T.V, surfing the news channels for a familiar face, never admitting to himself it was actually only one face he was looking for.

Nothing, nothing and again nothing.


Moody was beginning to get impatient with his friend, who continued to drone on about the girl and her present condition, and spat, "Can you just take me to where she is?"

You seem to have a few recurrent dialogue errors running throughout the fic. However, they can be put right very easily. Just remember, when the word ‘said is used a comma is generally put towards the end of the previous dialogue. Example-

‘I don’t have it,’ he said.

But when you have a sentence before the dialogue you always end with a period because the person is doing something and not saying it. I just wanted to clarify this for you, forgive me for being extremely nitpicky.

Overall, aside from all my grammar nitpicks; I must say that I enjoyed this fic. It really choked me up and I would love to see more of your work soon. Even though I offered constructive criticism, I liked this fic. I really do and the underlying message beneath the whole thing is just beautiful.







Author's Response: Thanks a ton for the review, Wendelin. I don\'t mind the grammar hit picks. I heart them. :) Thanks for the dialogue advice. I\'ll be sure to watch out for those next time. <3, Polaris

 

Lily, Did You Know? by megan_lupin
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 8]

Summary: “Lily, did you know / That your baby boy / Would some day conquer evil?”

A short song parody about Lily and her young baby son, Harry Potter.

Written for “Winter Tales Challenge Two: A Christmas Carol – Parody” by megan_lupin of Gryffindor.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 389 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
12/22/06 Updated: 12/29/06


Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 01/22/07 Title: Chapter 1: Lily, Did You Know?

Megan! *Tackles fellow lion*

Alright, let us get down to business. Overall, I found this poem rather touching and yet I had this sense of awe after reading it. You reflect a great deal on co-incidence and pre-written destiny without actually mentioning it anywhere and this really gave the poem a special feel. Indeed, every little action of ours does have a great impact on everyone else whether we realize it or not.

I also like how you compared the arrival of Harry Potter to the arrival of Jesus Christ. You stuck to the mood of the original song and yet made this poem your own. But in the original songs the lyrics had a definite rhythm whereas this poem doesn’t and I do think it would be nice if you could get this to rhyme as well.

This poem has a lot of meaning but I wish you would focus on imagery as well. Imagery is what differentiates a good poem from a great poem and in your parody I noticed that some paragraphs had beautiful imagery whereas some paragraphs didn’t. However, it is easy to fix so that shouldn’t be a problem.

I really liked these paragraphs, they were well-written and had beautiful imagery-

Lily, did you know
That your baby boy
Would some day conquer evil?


Lily, did you know
That your baby boy
Survives because of your love?


First Paragraph

Truly an Excellent verse. I love how this shows the constant battle between good and evil and how you made it cannon to fit HP. Once again, this paragraph shows pre-written destiny. The description here is well done and since it is really describing the future and what one boy will grow up to be, the word choice is extremely good. Nice usage of the word ‘conquer’; makes this verse seem more powerful.

Second Paragraph
Mother’s love again, isn’t it? It is a very powerful bond and these lines carry a wonderful message.

Did you know
That your baby boy
Will soar through the skies?


I love the metaphor of flying you have used here. It’s very beautiful and very symbolic. Also, the imagery here is wonderful; you can almost picture a bird breaking free of its chains and soaring high in the sky.

The sleeping child you're holding
Is the world's last hope.


These are by far the best lines in terms of imagery and meaning. See how the words ‘sleeping child’ give the reader the impression of an innocent Harry who doesn’t yet know of all the terrible dangers that await him? I would like you to carry on this imagery in the rest of your poem as well.

Now, I am going to be extremely nitpicky and give you some constructive criticism, just to show you what can be improved upon and how.

Let us take this paragraph first-

Did you know
That your baby boy
Is called the "Chosen One"?


Again beautiful imagery in this one but what bothers me is how it is written in a different tense from the rest of the paragraphs. Here by using the word ‘is’ in the beginning of the third line it seems as if he is already called the ‘chosen one’ . And then from the next paragraph onwards it is ‘will be’. So, does this mean that he is already the chosen one because of the prophecy? I think that is what you mean but the use of ‘is’ makes the poem a bit confusing.

With Ron, Ginny,
And Hermione too,
Your son cannot fail.


I like how this reflects the strong bonds of friendship between them. Since you are asking the question ‘Lily, did you know…’ repeatedly this paragraph should end with a question mark as well. Also, this did not seem as nice as the rest of the paragraphs, using stronger imagery here would help along with different words. Quite simply, put the same paragraph in different words. How about–

With friends like these,
The strongest shields,
Your son cannot fail?


Finally, I like how you ended the poem with ‘Lily, did you know?’ The repetition in this whole poem has been wonderful and it is a really nice parody. I know I might have criticised this poem a lot but hopefully it will help you improve it. Don’t get me wrong, I really do like this poem and appreciate the fact that you went out of your comfort-zone to write it.

Good work!

 

A Werewolf as a Dinner Guest by mcclure_512
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 6]

Summary: Who would want a werewolf as a dinner guest? No one, that's who, and this poem is why. My creative writing teacher always said that humour is a disposable experience... but he's not around here, is he?

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: Violence

Word count: 174 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
12/22/06 Updated: 12/29/06


Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 02/18/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Alright, my HTML got messed up in the last one.

Let me warn you that this is the first werewolf poem I have read so please bear with my ignoble rants. I would like to start off by saying how much I loved your description of the werewolves; cute and cuddly on the outside but ferocious and savage on the inside. Actually, I can’t imagine werewolves as being cute and cuddly so this part actually made me giggle. Now, I shall proceed to dissect this poem.

His fur is fresh and faintly grey
those eyes are like a summer’s day
but deadly wolves will rip you right apart.
Don’t call him down for dinner;
likely you will be thinner,
after he knocks you down and eats your heart.


The way you have described a werewolf in the beginning of the paragraph is wonderful. They seem so clean and fresh. The simile used there is very effective. By saying that the eyes are like a summer day, the reader gets the impression of cheerfulness and innocence. However, I would suggest removing the ‘right’ in the third line; it doesn’t contribute to the imagery and disturbs the rhythm of the poem. The third, fourth and fifth lines are perfectly balanced.

Those claws beneath those cuddly paws,
those sharpened teeth in gaping jaws,
they’ll tear the paint right off your flawless home.

There is a problem with the third line in this stanza as well. Again, I think that flawless can be removed. Here it does give a strong impression to the reader but it disturbs the rhythm. So now you have to ask yourself, do you want rhythm or imagery?

“Hey, Prongs, dinner at your house tonight?”
“Er, sorry, Moony, but it’s a full moon and—“
“Come on, it will be like the old days.”
“Sorry, I have to set my alarm clock. I got to go.”
“…Prongs?”


I like how you reflect Remus’ character and it links the whole poem about the werewolf to cannon. However, I don’t think that James’ would ever reject Remus like that. James never cared that Remus was a werewolf and would never have rejected him for it, no matter how dangerous it proved to be. So, you have a slight characterisation error there.

Overall, I found your poem to be quite expressive; it conveyed the right amount of emotions to the reader. Both regret and humour were reflected throughout the poem. You manage to get your point across even with a simple word choice. A nice job indeed.

 
Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 02/03/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Let me warn you that this is the first werewolf poem I have read so please bear with my ignoble rants. I would like to start off by saying how much I loved your description of the werewolves; cute and cuddly on the outside but ferocious and savage on the inside. Actually, I can’t imagine werewolves as being cute and cuddly so this part actually made me giggle. Now, I shall proceed to dissect this poem.

His fur is fresh and faintly grey
those eyes are like a summer’s day
but deadly wolves will rip you right apart.
Don’t call him down for dinner;
likely you will be thinner,
after he knocks you down and eats your heart.


The way you have described a werewolf in the beginning of the paragraph is wonderful. They seem so clean and fresh. The simile used there is very effective. By saying that the eyes are like a summer day, the reader gets the impression of cheerfulness and innocence. However, I would suggest removing the ‘right’ in the third line; it doesn’t contribute to the imagery and disturbs the rhythm of the poem. The third, fourth and fifth lines are perfectly balanced.

Those claws beneath those cuddly paws,
those sharpened teeth in gaping jaws,
they’ll tear the paint right off your flawless home.< I>

There is a problem with the third line in this stanza as well. Again, I think that flawless can be removed. Here it does give a strong impression to the reader but it disturbs the rhythm. So now you have to ask yourself, do you want rhythm or imagery?

“Hey, Prongs, dinner at your house tonight?”
“Er, sorry, Moony, but it’s a full moon and—“
“Come on, it will be like the old days.”
“Sorry, I have to set my alarm clock. I got to go.”
“…Prongs?”


I like how you reflect Remus’ character and it links the whole poem about the werewolf to cannon. However, I don’t think that James’ would ever reject Remus like that. James never cared that Remus was a werewolf and would never have rejected him for it, no matter how dangerous it proved to be. So, you have a slight characterisation error there.

Overall, I found your poem to be quite expressive; it conveyed the right amount of emotions to the reader. Both regret and humour were reflected throughout the poem. You manage to get your point across even with a simple word choice. A nice job indeed.


Author's Response: Thank you for the detailed review, I very rarely recive them! As often the case with humour poetry, some of the word choice was a bit off and you seem to have picked up on it. Unfortunately, I cannot simply remove the words in question as it will disturb the meter. I can however, replace them as long as the stresses are kept the same; which I will do as soon as possible. Thanks again for the great review!

 

A Valentine Rejected by Gmariam
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 11]

Summary: A young man accepts some unfortunate advice from Gilderoy Lockhart on Valentine’s Day.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 700 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/04/07 Updated: 02/04/07


Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 02/24/07 Title: Chapter 1: A Valentine Rejected

Gina! *HUGGLES*

Alright, since you have been so nice as to critique my poetry, I have decided to return the favour. First of all, I must say that I was impressed by the way you made this poem work. It had a very unusual structure, six lines and an ABCBDB rhyme scheme. I haven’t read many six-lined poems before but I have tried writing them and therefore I know how difficult it is. Nevertheless, you have managed to not only write it but keep up a constant plot within this structure.

I’ll start off by commenting on the plot first, it was a perfect bit of valentine fun and a rather light read. You began well and you dealt with the issues of love and rejection very nicely indeed. The plot was pretty constant, however, I think you need to work on the ending a bit. It was too anti-climatic for me and you need to show rather than tell there. Maybe you should add a bit more on to that? Rather than just saying that they had a son and daughter, show us how they met and how this new relationship was different from the first catastrophe.

Now about characterisation, I must say you have done a marvelous job in this aspect.

It was in the Hall with Lockhart that
The students first were told:
“Flitwick knows Enchanting spells,
A wonder to behold!
Professor Snape brews love potions.
Just ask him, if you’re bold.”


I love how you have tied this whole poem in with cannon by weaving in a few cannon characters. Lockhart seems to be his usual obnoxious self, adding small details like winks is a cheerful touch as JKR herself as exhibited. I also like the way he gave the boy a personally autographed book, seems like a thing he would do. Now Flitwick, I thought about him for a while and I decided that you have kept him in character as well since we don’t know much about him from the books. I always pictured him to be a bit excitable and you have shown that. I like how he blushed when he was asked about love spells, once again it ties in with cannon. Let’s talk about Snape for a bit, shall we? In the beginning, I thought you had his character down fairly well. I could imagine his disgust when asked about a love potion. Of course he wouldn’t be as enthusiastic as Lockhart. However, later on in the poem I noticed that he was actually paying attention to the relationship. Particularly in this paragraph-

Lockhart smiled then clapped his hands,
And Flitwick joined the round.
Snape just rolled his eyes and jeered,
Disgusted by the sound.
The boy grinned broad and walked away,
His love now finally found.


I don’t think that Snape was ever one for the day. He probably would have just ignored the relationship or he would have shown a rather condescending attitude towards it. I don’t think he could care less about what happens to a student who is not in his house.

Now, I shall be picking out some of the more prominent stanzas and offering you a bit of critique on them-

He loved a girl, so fair and true,
Who did not know his name;
Her eyes were blue, like twinkling stars,
Her hair a long dark frame
Around a face so beautiful
It set his heart aflame.


In my mind, I think this is positively the most beautiful paragraph in the entire poem. Maybe it’s just because I am a sucker for description, but it perfectly describes the girl or rather how the boy sees her. It has beautiful imagery and you have used the power of the simile very well.

The boy was sad, his heart was broke;
He slowly walked away.
Snape laughed cruel, and Flitwick frowned
To see the boy’s dismay.
Lockhart ran out after him
To try and save the day.


Alright, here the first line seems a bit off- I mean, of course you have poetic license but I really do think you can use ‘broken’ instead of ‘broke’ at the end of the first line since it doesn’t contribute to the rhyme scheme. You will have the attribute of being grammatically correct; however, it will disrupt the meter a teensy bit. The decision is up to you- do you want to follow an absolutely rigid meter or do you want a better word choice?

The boy grew up, both brave and true,
And overcame great strife.
Then he met a lovely girl
Who soon became his wife.
They had a son and daughter,
And they lived a happy life.


As I have already commented on this paragraph from the POV of plot, I shall look at it from the poetical point of view now. This whole paragraph flows really well except for the fifth line. There is something strange about that which I can’t quite figure out, it doesn’t fit in with the rest of the paragraph. Maybe you should change it to something shorter and more rhythmic?

Overall, I found this piece to be quite fun. Even though it had an awkward word choice in some places, it was a nice read. Keep it up!





Author's Response: Oh my! Wendelin - thank you SO MUCH for the amazing review!! *squee* And a SPEW review no less - thankyouthankyou! I really appreciate you reading this little piece. I wrote it for a Valentine\'s activity in Ravenclaw. The prompt was to write about that Valentine\'s Day in CoS when Lockhart encourages all the students to ask Snape and Flitiwick for love potions and charms. That\'s one reason it ends the way it does; in fact, I added that last stanza just to wrap it up and give it a happy ending! I suppose I could always write a sequel. ;) I\'m glad you enjoyed the little story this poem told. Could you tell who it was about? :) Thank you so much for your compliments, as well as your suggestions! I\'ll be sure to keep them in mind for the sequel - or at least for my next ballad. ;) Thanks again for the great review - and congrats on getting into SPEW! *turnip hug* ~Gina :)

 

After the End by Biscuits
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 10]

Summary: When the war is over, the effects remain. Memories of death, destruction and fear haunt all those who are left. Possibly worse are the memories of what they had before. But there cannot be war without death, and those that are left after the end of the war have to adapt to the new word, as it is now.



Character death is featured, but not described.

Written pre Deathly Hallows.

Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 1591 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
04/01/07 Updated: 04/07/07


Reviewer: wendelin the wierd Signed
Date: 04/29/07 Title: Chapter 1: After the End


Biscuits, (and cookies and cakes and pastries)

; )

You have a really powerful fic over here. The fact that it is written in first person only serves to make this fic leave a stronger impression on the reader than it already does. I haven’t read many fics about the after-effects of war and what a strong impact it has on the survivors, but among those which I have read, I think this would take its place as one of my favourites.

I was a little confused about the identity of the narrator however. Is it Tonks? Or is it an OC you have created? A brief mention in the author’s note should do the trick.

I also noticed a couple of grammatical errors here and there but those can easily be fixed.

The fighting might be over, but the war hasn’t finished yet. Before we can call it over, we have to put the world to rights. We’ve spent the last few years messing it up, and now those that are left standing have to put it back together, piece by piece.

What a powerful paragraph. Gah! This makes me wish that I could write in first person. I really understand the feeling that you are trying to convey here. One thing I am a bit hesitant on is the repetition of the word ‘put’. Perhaps you can use ‘patch’ the second time instead?

I must tell you; this was by far one of my favourite paragraphs in the fic. Especially the line which says the fighting is over but the war isn’t. That is just beautiful!

Some are optimistic about life after the war. They say it’s a fresh page, a new leaf, free from all our troubles of before. I don’t know about that. Nothing can be perfect, however much we want it. And what about all those we lost, all those who cannot be here to help rebuild?

Someone has to pay for their chance to live


I love the metaphors you have used in the beginning of this paragraph. All of them symbolize a new beginning, a chance to rebuild after the war and set the reader into exactly the right mood. Fantastic job!

But you really should have a period at the end of the last line, dear.

I go there, sometimes, and walk amongst the graves. Some I never knew, others were dear to me. Everyone lost someone they knew and cared about. Death wasn’t picky who it took, Death Eaters and Order members, wizards and Muggles, young and old, all are represented here. The grave of a baby, just seven months old, lies next to the grave of a great-grandmother, killed protecting her great-grandsons.

Illustrating your point through contrast, eh? This is a very important tool in writing fiction but unfortunately, it is hardly used. This really helps in terms of imagery and description. The reader knows exactly what the narrator means here.

They are the living reminders of all the good we’ve failed to do

Many live on, unable to cope, not dead, but not quite living either. We’ve failed these people, just like we’ve failed the dead. They suffer worse than the dead, in a way, as they have to live with their pain every day of their lives, until they too die.


This last paragraph reminds me of Eragon, actually. There is a memorable quote there that states that dying for what you believe in is quite common, living and suffering for what you believe in takes real courage. I absolutely love your description in this paragraph too/

Another period at the end of the first line, dear.

I often think there must be a better way than killing. Not everybody sees it that way though, Voldemort was proof of that. Hermione once told me about one of the Muggle wars, when they were fighting someone called Hitler. They tried to compromise with him, but he just kept on fighting and killing, and so they were forced to fight. Most people thought this was the right thing to do, to stop the death he was causing. But is fighting killing with killing the right thing to do?

I heart the Muggle comparison. You have very cleverly given the reader a parallel to relate to and shown Voldemort’s dictatorship in a new light. Also, your last question is something that has been asked for time immemorial. So kudos to you for tackling these issues!

But those that are left will never forget them. We’ve changed since the war, loosing some of our light heartedness and instead becoming graver and more reflective. I know I have, and I’ve seen the others around me change. We are stronger, we are the survivors. No better than those that have died, but we had luck on our sides it seems.

War does tend to have that powerful effect on everyone. I love your description and portrayal of her character here. Wow. (Minor nitpick- ‘loose’ should be ‘lose.)

Overall, I think you have a really lovely fic in your hands. I loved the description and the imagery and all the elements that have gone into making this fic so powerful. Good job!


Author's Response: Wow, what a lovely review! *squishes fellow Gryff* Thanks for the concrit, I\'ll look at the problems you pointed out again, and you\'re right, I should put who the narrator is somewhere. Thanks again!

 
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