It is ambitious Lily Evans' 7th and final year at Hogwarts. She is very excited about being one step closer to becoming an Auror and thrilled about being back to school altogether.
But there is one little annoyance: the Marauders. Specificially arrogant James Potter. He has been pestering her to go out with him, but she has coldly denied his wishes. She thinks this year will be no different to the past six school years.
But life is full of mistakes...::~!~::..
"Just one minute.” Lily noticed footsteps heading in her direction. She saw a hand reach from between the screens and drop a flower onto her bedside table.
“Mr. Potter! Return to your dormitory immediately!”
“Alright, alright…” The hand disappeared.
Once Lily was sure that no one was in the wing, he lifted her head and saw what flower Potter had dropped.
Lily stuffed her head in her pillow and screamed a muffled scream that no one could hear.
I was looking through your author's page, and I realized that this is the only fic of yours that I haven't reviewed! So here is my payment for the amazing banenr that you made for me. Sorry it took so long! Anyways, thanks again and here you go:
“Yes, mum,” Lily answered...
"Mum" in this sentance should be capitalized.
She turned around, leaned to the side, and shouted, “Good-bye Petunia!”
There should be a comma after "good-bye".
A large stone dropped in her stomach with astonishment when she saw James Potter staring down at her.
I think this sentance would be a bit better if you said that it felt like a large stone had dropped into her stomach. ;)
“You know,” he said in semi-bossy voice...
There's an "a" missing before semi-bossy.
I really liked the beginning of your story, a very classic James/Lily. I know this was your first fanfiction, so there are some common errors to be expected. I know I made about five hundred in my first couple of chapters when I wrote my first fic. But it's nice to see your progression as an author from this first chapter to your most recent one-shots.
If I had to say one thing that I think you could do better, I would say that you might want to work on improving your descriptions. This chapter was a bit dry; it would have been nice to know a bit more about what the characters were seeing and feeling at the time.
I think you ended the chapter really well; a nice cliffhanger always keeps readers coming back for more.
Brilliant job on both your story and my banner!
I really like reading well done HP poetry; I have a great respect for people who write it because I find it very hard to do. Your poem really captured me, not to mention Harry's tumultous emotionsat the time. I thought it was well worded and descriptive. I enjoyed it very much.
What a sweet story! This was one of the first Harry/Luna stories I've read, and I think you've done the subject proud! The gentle imagery you used was great; you did an amazing job with descriptions without being overly wordy. Brillian job!
Great beginning! I thought your story was really well-written! Keep writing, please!
Author's Response: Thanks, it should be done soon.
Amazing one-shot with great use of vocabulary. Even though we were warned in the summary that it was fluffy, the writing over-powered any fluffiness that I could catch onto! I thought that the adjectives that you used were descriptive to the best degree.
Author's Response: Glad you thought it wasn\'t too fluffy. I wanted it to be believable but knew it would always be a little hurried. Thanks for the review!
Wow, Katie. You wrote a story portraying true friendsip-- something that is especially hard to do in a one-shot.
I really like the style you use for descriptions. You have this effortless, crisp way of delivering facts that paint a picture very clearly in someone's mind. Such as, in the beginning of your story, when you are setting the scene. It really was a great introduction, one that I took note of to try and use in my own writing. :)
I would also like to comment on your dialogue. It was superb, really, and it seemed so natural, as if I could really hear Hermione and Ginny having there conversation. It also added to your great portrayal of friendship between the two girls,
Hmm. I have been scanning the page, trying to look for some crtique. Alas, for there is not much I can find. All I can say is that towards the middle of the story, the facts got a bit rushed. There was a lot of things being presented, and it was a little jumbled, I suppose, that could be purely be in the eye of the reader, but I thought I'd just let you know my thoughts.
Also, I like all the incorporations you made in this small moment. In this short reflection, you mangaged to reference romance, opinions on Snape, and the many feelings that Hermione and Ginny experienced. In my opinion, this is also very commendable and it made for a great stroy.
Really, Katie, I enjoyed your writing so much. I think that you created something very entertaining.
Author's Response: Thank you so much! Yes, the middle is a bit odd -- this was written as (I think) for SPEW\'s one-year anniversary. The challenge, therefore, was to talk about another anniversary. And since I split Ginny from the Trio, there\'s a lot to tell! I will, when I edit this, try to clear that up a little. Thank you infinitely much for your compliments and comments. They mean a lot!
Brilliant story! You did a nice job of bringing light to characters that we really don't know all that much about. Your words were well-chosen, and your vocabulary choices were great. I really enjoyed it; keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Hi, Chaser! Thank you for your kind review and for taking time to leave a review for me.
I have to admit that this was the first time I have ever ventured into reading a Snape/Hermione fic. Even though there was no romance between the two in this first chapter, you wrote the emotions brilliantly. I liked especially how you described Snape's relief of not having to chose sides anymore. To not have to be bad or good. Anyway, I give you a huggle and some turnips for a good chapter.
P.S. Do I see a bit of a flight of fancy when it comes to Snape getting out of the shower? ;)
Author's Response: Hi Chaser... I had written out a complete response to your review and the computer ate it for some reason so I will start again. I am glad that you decided to peruse the good ship SS/HG, I think you will enjoy sailing with us. Yes, there has been no romance yet, and the funny thing is I am not sure why. I crave lemons, I had planned to douse you all with lemonade constantly in this fic, but better bunnies have won out. Emotions are something I know. I am a very emotional person and having some intimate knowledge of depression doesn\'t hurt either. I totally think that in Canon Snape will be relieved to not have to choose sides anymore, whether that be as a result of his death or the death of one of his \"masters\" it will make his life change immensely. Thank you so much for the huggles and the turnips (my favorites, the huggles that is). As for the flights of fancy, I must ask indignantly \"Moi???\" hehehehe Well actually I would have to say my description to be very Canon. After all who, in Canon, can tell me what is beneath his robes? *giggling and rubbing her hands maliciously and waiting with baited ears* After all, he is quite likely strong having to run between 2 camps all the time. Not to mention lifting heavy cauldrons all the time.
I must admit, Delaney, that I started reading your story only because it seemed kind of short and I needed to get my reviews *cough* started. But really, your characters pulled me in. You captured the effect others can have on each other so well. Also, you have this gift of being able to put in these "outside factors" into your descriptions, such as the beginning of the falling rain, that really add to the mood.
The castle hadn’t barred itself against me, so my purpose hhere couldn’t be simply to find a story.
Just a little typo on "here".
You really have an interesting style of writing, Delaney. I think it's so cool that you can incorporate things like colons into your story without making them feel like an impersonal delivering of facts, like what seems to happen with me. You also use a nice mixture of semicolons and dashes, which I also find difficult, but that's maybe because I have a fondness for semicolons.
I already said something briefly on your characterization, but I wanted to say again how well I thought you conveyed the genuine emotions between two people, especially those who have never met. Somehow, you managed to create a bond between Gemma and Ginny. You gave them both these weakness that lead them to open up-- Ginny being vulnerable from her encounter with Tom Riddle, and maybe Gemma still being nervous about her starting career. Gemma also had this great empathy about her character. Her character could have come across like a stone-cold journalist, but she was touched by Ginny's situation. It made her very relatable.
Anyways, Delaney, I think I've gone on long enough. I really enjoyed your story and your writing style; I always find it exciting when authors use unique punctuation. :D
What an interesting story! I enjoyed it very much, and reading it, I noticed that our writing styles are similar. As I read, I thought that your descriptions sounded like something I might write. Take that as a compliment or not, but I observed it. :) Anyway, I thought your story was beautiful in a sad way. The ending was unexpected, yet fitting. How tragic to be killed by a love potion!
Author's Response: Yes it is tragic, isn\'t it? I hope to check on your stories soon and thank so much for the review!
What happens when it all falls part, and life just becomes too much to bear?
I love when authors use mirrors in their stories. It seems to open up a whole new way to analyze a character, almost in an objective and psychological way.
I loved how the "she" (I'm going to assume that it is Hermione from now on so I don't have to keep typing "she" :P) went to the library to analyze herself. It was such a great insight to bring this character into the place where she felt most comfortable to do something that is almost invasive.
I use the word "invasive" because looking so hard at yourself is hard. It is hard to see your flaws and where you come short; where you are failing. You did a marvelous job in making that uncomfortable feeling come alive for Hermione. It was very real.
The only nitpick I could find was that the word "she" got a bit over-used. I know that there wasn't really any other way to present your story, but it got a bit hard to read in some parts because of all of the "she"s.
Well, Steph, what I liked most about your story was how deep you went with your character. It was so real, so original. You have a very unique voice and I loved your story.
Author's Response: Hanna! Oh, thank you for your lovely review! I must explain the \'she\'s\'. The first chapter was supposed to originally be anonymous, but obviosuly it chnaged into Hermione. I don\'t wquite like how separate the tone is to the other two chapters, I was thinking of going in and editing it. I\'d like very much if yopu\'d help em with that. There\'s nothing better than making your work better. Thank you for the sweet review! ♥
Wow, Sarah. Can I just say that I loved this chapter so much? I thought it was so amazing. I had never read anything from Snape's POV before; especially not young Snape. But it was truly amazing. I have always toyed with the idea of Snape loving Lily, and now how I see you bring it to life, I think you've got me hooked.
What this reminded me of was those incidences where someone is so horribly bullied that they end up doing rash things. Such as, going on a shooting spree at their high school. Maybe this reminds me of that because I know that Lily will never truly notice Snape, at least not how her wants her to, and that James, in the end, is going to "get the girl". I'm already empathizing with him, I guess, and that's all because you have set up this amazing chapter full of longing.
What I thought was the greatest about this chapter was your complete characterization of Snape. It was perfect, how you kept in tune with his rational side, but also exposed this raw side to him, this one thing that he cannot rationalize.
To go along with the characterization (kind of), I thought that Lily/Snape potion scene was so great. It moved your plot along so well, giving Snape just the little bit of hope that will make him hurt all the more when he is let down.
You've earned a rave review from me, Sarah dear. I enjoyed reading this so much.
Author's Response: Wow! Hanna! *hug* I\'m so glad you liked the characterisation and atmosphere built up during this chapter - I\'ve actually found this story one of my most challenging yet, so to have achieved that in your eyes it utterly wonderful. I am really really pleased you liked this so much - you\'ll send me off to bed grinning! :D
I know I've already reviewed for your first chapter, but I reread it as a refresher for the rest of your story. I have a few things that I'd like to say on it that I didn't say in my previous review, so here they are! :]
I loved the foreshadowing you used in the instances where Snape thinks that Lily hates James as much as he does. It's also that bit of dramatic irony-- we as readers know that James and Lily will end up together, but as Snape doesn't, we know he is basically getting set up for heartbreak. You've worked this in really well throughout your first chapter.
Also, the characterization of Snape (although I think I mentioned this in the last review) was so brilliant! You show this completely different side of him, yet it doesn't seem at all OCC. You've managed to create a Snape that thinks he loves Lily so much that it makes him want to cry, yet at the same time wants to be rid of all of these emotions that seem to plague him.
Ok, onto the next chapter!
I love how much you're able to contrast the way you right Lily and the way you right Snape. Lily's observations aren't as brooding or pained as Snape's were-- it's almost as if she is seeing things with an somewhat powerless indifference. She believes that she can't change her perfect image, so she tries to accept it. Snape, on the other hand, seems completely overwhelmed by his emotions and whether he should try to embrace them or push them away.
You paint a great picture of Lily's comfortable lifestyle. She's pretty, has friends, and is a good student. Yet, she is unhappy with the monotony. This also foreshadows to how she might pursue a relation ship with Snape, if only for a little spontaneity in her life. You can see her contemplating this when she describes her Potion class encounter with Snape as the "most intriguing days of my first four years at Hogwarts". Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that idea of Lily being fed up with a boring routine makes it more believable to readers that she would consider or even go through with a relationship with Snape.
Ooh, the last scene with Lily and Snape in the Owlery was perfect; a culmination to the thoughts that both of the protagonists had been having. Yet, it was still incomplete enough to keep a reader interested enough to keep reading. You really have a gift with describing emotions-- they always come out clearly, but retain that complexity that something like sadness still has to hold in order for it to feel real.
Brilliant job, Sarah! I'll be reviewing for your last chapter, too! I hope you don't think I'm spamming your review page or anything... :P
Author's Response: Spamming the page? With reviews like this? If that\'s the case, please,spam away! :D I\'m really pleased that you thought Snape\'s characterisation was accurate, as this is actually one of the weakness of my writing. I am also happy to see you picked up on the irony of Snape\'s situation - I was aware whilst writing this that it was a important to firmly root Snape respect for Lily in the fact that she hated James too. It helps to explain why he feels so angry when James and Lily finally end up together. Again, it\'s fantastic to hear that you thought Lily\'s characterisation was good, as her character is subjected to so many cliches in the fandom normally! I did try very hard to give her a believable attitude to life in general, and a sense of open-ness which makes her eventual attraction to Snape more plausible. Finally, I\'m thrilled to see that you enjoyed that last scene, as it\'s probably my favourite of the entire story. It\'s a key moment; bringing them together after we\'ve begun to understand each person\'s emotions! I loved writing it. And so, thank you ever so much for this brilliant review. *hug*
*pops in again* I'm back, bearing another review!
I love how you shifted POVs for each chapter. It really keeps it interesting, not to mention the entirely complete idea that you are able to convey through using something like this-- you get the view of each protagonist, not to mention an omniscient narrator.
You've also brought together what people would view as opposites-- the popular Gryffindor and the almost unnoticed Slytherin. Yet, they are joined together by the fact that they think similar, something that they both seem to value.
You create another perfect culmination with Severus and Lily's kiss. Both of them forget about what anyone else might think, both going against whatever was holding them back. It was a great moment and you were able to put it across while still blending the emotions of happiness and sadness perfectly.
And after this, we see a different side. One of disappointment, one that almost hurts to accept. This is another thing about your writing that Iove. All of the emotions seem to jump from the page! You illustrate how quickly an opinion of someone can change-- with only one action, an entire relationship can be destroyed.
Amazing story, Sarah. You write emotions so well, it hurts! Haha, bad pun. Well, thanks for writing this amazing story. I truly did enjoy reading it.
Author's Response: Yay for another review! When I started out the story, I was unsure which POV I should go with - all of them had their merits., and I thought could work pretty well. So what did I do? I chose them all! I\'m glad it didn\'t turn out too confusing in the end! I thought it was very important to make it clear that Snape and Lily were crossing boundaries by being together, as that basically is what leads to their break-up - Lily can\'t accept the life Snape leads. It\'s great to hear that scene worked! I\'m really flattered that you like the way I portray emotion, as it\'s something I love to do and hope people enjoy in my writing! Thank you so much for your wonderful reviewing, and I\'m very very pleased to hear you enjoyed it! <3
Oh, how I love poetry! And this was a great addition the the HP poetry library. I would describe your poem as haunting, full of words that illustrated a happy time. I think the line, "And they wondered why we smiled" was very powerful, and a good thing to have repeated through the poem. Great job.
I would like to start off by saying, great job! I loved this one-shot, how it captured the moment perfectly with witty lines such as, "Her father was another such fool to tradition, the pressure nearly suffocating him in his suit and tie." and the last line, "Small things were not meant to linger over, like falling rain and silly men." This young McGonagall is a fiery charcter, and I like how you portrayed her.
Well, you've got me intrigued! What a great way to start of your fic, your trilogy no less!
Firstly, your imagery throughout the chapter was wonderful; things seem to spring to life with your words. You have a very strong voice that seems to really get to the heart of your characters while still being able to illiustrate what's going on around them, which is very nice to read.
It was touching how you described the gentle moment of the woman and her husband naming their daughters, but it was also spiced with enough intrigue that kept it from being boring. I'm eager to find out the reason behind the name choice "Hermione", but even more so the girls impending destiny.
I have one little criticism, though. In the introduction with the founders, Helga seemed to have very little interaction with Godric and Rowena. I just noticed that she didn't get quite as developed as the other two. Also, I got a tad confised when you were describing the looks of the two female founders. Is Helga the one with the long, curly brown hair? Again, just minor details.
But I have to say that I definately loved this fic and am adding it to my favorites. Brilliant job; update soon!
He had never felt this good with Cho, in fact he had not felt this good in a long time.
I really liked this line. It seems something someone in Harry's situation would genuinely think, comparing the only other relationship he's had with the one he's in now.
Comma after "yes", I believe.
...harder than the time they had fought during the TriWizard Tournament and hadn’t spoken for weeks.
TriWizard should be Triwizard.
"It is?” Harry felt himself start to relax; Ron wasn’t going to hit him!
I thought this line was bery funny. It added a nice bit of humor to the scene but also went along perfectly with the mood and happenings of the chapter.
Okay, end of nitpicks. ;)
I really liked your story; it seemed very natural and you captured Harry and Ron perfectly. I think your Ginnny could have used just a tiny bit of fine tuning. By fine tuning, I mean just one or two "Ginny" lines that would have made her stand out. Something a bit more fiesty, maybe a dash more playful or flirtacious.
I thought that you dialogue on the whole was pretty good, however I thought that it got a bit choppy in some places, maybe from overusing dashes and cutting off a sentence just a bit too frequently. But really, I thought that the dialogue was very canonically (fandom word there) correct and in most cases could have been straight from the books.
I thought your ending was very well-played; it was nice to have Harry win on two fronts, very fitting. It also was a great description of Ron and how his thoughts were so far away he couldn't really even concentrate on the chess game, which he usually devotes full attention to.
And Harry knew he wasn’t just talking about the game
I have a few comments on this sentence. First, there's a period missing on the end. I know, I know, I said I was done with nitpicking, but I just now noticed this one so stay with me. ;) Anyways, I think that it would have flowed a lot more smoothly without the "and" at the beginning. It would make it a bit crisper, and just make it just a bit better of an ending to your brilliant story.
I really enjoyed reading your one-shot and thought it was very well-written. Keep up the good work, Gina!
Author's Response: Hi Chaser! Thanks so much for the great review! I really appreciate your comments. I just fixed the little nitpicks. Plus I finally got to take out the extra line breaks, so thanks for the motivation. ;) Thanks for your positive comments. I\'m really glad I was able to write Ron and Harry well; I\'ll keep an eye on Ginny in the future (you are the second person to tell me this, hrm.) I\'m glad you enjoyed the story. This was my first fanfic ever and I hope I\'ve improved since then. Just in fixing those few errors I noticed other things and tweaked them as well. I hope you have a chance to read some of my other stories someday and see if you agree. ;) Overall I\'m still happy with it. I can\'t wait to see what happens to Harry and Ginny in Book Seven. Thanks again for the great review! You are so nice to take the time to read this story and leave such detailed and helpful comments! Thanks again and see you in the common room! :) ~Gina :)
Author's Response: PS. Oh!! This was a SPEW review! *squee* This was my first ever SPEW review. I\'m so excited- thank you!! :)
I can't lie to you. I was a bit turned off when I saw that Harry ran into a beautiful girl on the stairs of Hogwarts, someone he has never seen before, and then chases after her into the Forbidden Forest. But really, I think that you wrote the situation well.
Ron has always been a good liar and she was always able to tell when he lied, How can someone be a good liar, but Hermione can always tell when he lies? Maybe you should say but she has always been able to tell when he lies.
I think that you kept Hermione very in character when you wrote her, which is good, but Ron seemed a bit off to me. I would imagine that he would be a bit more awkward in a situation like that, especially if it was the first time he was ever really acknowledging the fact that he loves Hermione.
“Why are you always looking for something to fight?” How does Bethatny know that Harry is... confrontational if they only just met? She would probably know the basics about him, but not a major aspect of his character like that.
I like how you made Bethany fiesty, but some of the things she says boarder on rudeness. For someone who seems to know a lot about Harry, I would think that she would at least try to sound civil towards him.
Nice first chapter, and good luck on the ones to come!
Author's Response: Bethany has history that I haven\'t wrote about yet. She tells off Harry a lot because she has her reasons. She\'s not nice to Harry because she doesn\'t find him fragile like everyone else does. And Harry follows her into the forest because he has a \'connection\' to her. So, before I give away too much, I\'ll stop. I hope you read my other chapters. Thanks for your comments. I agree with Ron. I wrote him out character. I admit that... Thanks again! -katie
Yay for procrastinated SPEW reviews! :P
Lily would rather walk alone in the halls like this, listening to the echo of her footsteps, admiring the world around her.
I think this sentance would flow better if you added "Right now" to the beginning of it. It would kind of off-set the several "Lily"s you used.
James asked, anger beginning to flow unevenly through his veins.
This was kind of an abrupt change into James' POV. It might have been better if you said something more like, Lily saw anger flood his face. Or something along those lines.
His hand jumped up to his messy hair by default.
Oh my goodness, I loved this line! It was perfect.
“Night Evans. See you at breakfast.”
Comma after Evans.
That's very un-prongsy of you,"
...and capitalize "Prongsy".
This was a great J/L, Hayli! I especially loved the ending, with James winking at Sirius. Very clever. I also loved the valiant!James that you characterized. Very enjoyable one-shot.
Author's Response: Silly Hanna. : ) -hides from strange italics- -giggles-