Precious to me, cute as can be.... Tonks was supposed to be with Teddy at her mother's. Why couldn't she stand waiting? What caused her to look 'anguished'? Not a deathfic, just a possible explanation of why Tonks 'sped off' to find Remus.
I can’t believe I’ve never left a review for this yet I’ve read it so many times with the intention of writing it down on paper. Jeez, can’t you tell what’s in my head as I read this, or must I write it down? Watch me draft this and then forget to post it. That’d be me.
I’m not that bright.
The thought that you put into this is incredible. Remarkable, really. What’s made this a joy to read for like what I’m sure is the fifth or sixth time because I have to keep digging to find it. Thank you for mentioning that parenting, like anything else, is a learning experience. I have no children myself, but the stupid mistakes I’ve made with my godson … and then turn him back to his mother, and she does the same thing? And then we laugh our heads off because we are idiots. Most pieces that I’ve read in fan fiction focus on the cute baby.
I’m sure Teddy with his tortoise stupid hair is cute. You know what I’ve realized about Nymphadora Tonks now that I’m on the color changing thing? And for a character who I don’t like, this is a game changer. She’s not magical because she is a Metamorphagus. She wasn’t created like an OC to fit into a puzzle. I thought that for years. She’s magical because she’s universal - she fits into a crowd and uses it in her arsenal because she’s like water, the universal solvent. Nymphadora Tonks adapts. I don’t know if that’s what Rowling meant by putting her in there. She’s different, but she’s not different for a shock and awe factor; she’s there to fit into the puzzle because she’s made for the puzzle.
So many OC imitations try this and fail. Badly. And I know the girl’s canon, I know. What I’m saying is she wasn't just made as a plot device, a convenient one, or indeed simply a love interest for the werewolf who decided to do whatever he did. Tonks is there as a light, sometimes a little funny, sometimes ridiculously clumsy, relief. She survives in the environment, which is an admirable quality. She’s like a jester. Jesters, in Shakespeare’s pieces, and indeed the Tudor period, held the wisdom.
They said what needed to be said because nobody else would. Here, with her honesty, sometimes blatant honesty - because nobody talks about this - she is shown in a realistic light. Depression is crippling, and it leaves you, and it comes back when and where you least expect it. I kept thinking that Tonks has to choose to save herself here. There can be a support system, and perhaps her mother is that for her, and we know Remus is, but she has to choose to control the fear and crawl out of the hole. Lest she bury herself yet again.
Your ability to show Harry Potter magic sprinkled through reality is a gift. Well done. Thank you for writing this.
PS Not that you probably care, but I'm me, your spacing is off. There's a lot of white space on this page.
PSS Ummm.... I finally posted this. Watch the server go down. Shit. Ha. Two points to me. :_)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading (and rereading multiple times) this story! If we were still in SPEW, this would be worthy of a SPEW Review Award, but since we're not, I'll just say that it's touching and insightful and helpful (white space is a problem, I'll definitely upload a different version to fix that) and made me smile and grow misty-eyed. I don't know if you're a Phantom of the Opera fan, but if you are, think of the original Phantom, Michael Crawford, singing, "Bravi, bravi, bravissimi." :)
Narcissa has called him an interfering grandfather. Lucius is not sure he deserves that.
Well done. This is very conversational inside Lucius's head.
Author's Response: Thank you! Lucius will always be my favorite HP antagonist. He reminds me of my favorite quote from the film 3:10 to Yuma. "Even bad men love their mamas (or in this case, grandsons)."
Andromeda survived the war, but she feels like a ghost.
Oh my God Paige I am literally sitting here bawling. My grandfather died six years ago shortly after his wife, my grandmother. James meant the world to me. His birthday was 21 December and he loved Christmas. Since then Christmas has never been the same; the winter solstice has never been the same. Yes we celebrated that for James I skip Christmas some years because I can't ...This is absolutely fucking beautiful. Death, getting over a death, and having to deal with it again is just like this. This is beautifully simplistic yet so profound. You know when you read a random piece at the right time and it's so universal it just hits home? You've done that. Thank you. Jenn
Author's Response: Hello! It's the day after Christmas, and I was scrolling down the Unresponded column next to my reviews (I always reply, so I find spammers to report on the beta boards by clicking on the ones in the column of zeros, heh). What a lovely surprise to find this review! Thank you for being such a sensitive, wonderful soul to feel the poem personally.
So this was so refreshing. I don't know if it's just that I am reading through a slew of really, really bad fanfiction or what on certian sites. It is rather nice not have to pick through a Harry/Draco piece or something for the pure not really "shock and awe" of the story. This was a nice nod towards canon.
Thank goodness. If you couldn't actually tell, I'm slowly picking and choosing as I read through your vast collection. There's a 102 of these things. Really, Paige, really, it's what it says! Like, it's staring at me in the face. :).
I like that Draco seems doubtful here. I really, really started to feel for Malfoy after HBP. And then, apparently, Astoria dies in "A Cursed Child" and I sympathize with the kid Hermoine once punched in the face ....because I'm me ....and Draco ain't that bad.
I always wondered how the Malfoys got money. I mean, I know they had dirty, pureblood money, or whatever, yet the business on the side seems to clear that up for me. I can like Draco. However, this does not put Lucius good ol' boy Malfoy off the naughty list.
Wanna do that for me Paige? Haha. I am kidding. I already feel sympathy for Pettigrew and crazy female Lestrange.
I LOVE that Astoria has these legs, as my brother would say "the damn things go up to Avalon". (He stole that from a song - the first time I got that and understood it, I was like, "Oh! I get it!"). Any way, and the Narcissa playing the annoying mother angle? And the fact that Draco is failing, he has failed and he acknowledges it? I want to hug yhis man.
Mind you, Draco always reminded me of like an annoyingly annoying little brother. My little brother? He's a weakness.
Well played, Paige, well played. 102, Paige, REALLY .... really. Well played.
Author's Response: 102 and this site is just Harry Potter! I've written Star Wars, Star Trek, Stargate, Captain America and even Suicide Squad fan fiction too! Whatever made you want to read this story, I'm a happy writer that you read and enjoyed it. Lucius Malfoy will NEVER be off the Naughty List. Unlike Buddy in Elf, though, neither Draco nor Scorpius would feel any shock or horror over it. :D I'm practically an Irish triplet (I'm a twin and have a brother 15 months younger), so I've never had an annoying little brother and can't imagine Draco that way, (which is a good thing since I write Draco romances, lol) but I'm glad you want to hug him, and sympathy for "bad" people is a good thing. Makes you a better writer! ;)
Paige Man, am I glad I read this one. You are the only writer who I can read recently who can invent her own magical stuff and weave it into the magical world of Harry Potter so well. It is not, nor is it ever, tacked on simply for show or convienence. This was so funny. I died a little....again. This is the first fic I've read where Riddle is human. Is it bad that I say he's likeable with the dark humor angle? Well done..
Author's Response: See, that's another reason to appreciate you: you share my enjoyment of dark humor! This is Tom before he's lost all his looks and humanity, so he's a "just" a charismatic psychopath recruiting wizard supremacist followers, heh. Is it bad that I tried to picture him looking like Frank Dillane, the actor who played him in the HBP film, but since I've seen the actor play a sympathetic and grungy addict forced into recovery by the zombie apocalypse in Fear the Walking Dead I couldn't go there? I ended up picturing Tom as a cross between Christian Coulson who played him in the CoS film and a darkly witty vampire named Damon Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries. :D
Interesting. I have read this three times. I wanted to leave a review, but then I thought this could never happen. Why would this happen? Outside of smut or a poor excuse to make a character connection? And then I kept reading, ignoring my thoughts, and finished the thing. You're kind of brillant. I should have just read it the last time or the first time. They played him. That makes more sense along those lines.
While I do like it, I do have to say one line turned me off reading this a couple times. You can't worry your brain. It's anatomy, dear. You can worry yourself, and you can worry others, but you can't worry an organ. Nope. Not gonna happen. The line doesn't and can't make sense.
The oversll idea of the Malfoys playing this boy? That's a smart, plausible move, though I think Pettigrew would have acted of his own accord and wouldn't have had to have bedn coerced. Sirius said power attracted him; Peter followed the biggest boy on the playground. He made that call.
This was well written. I should have just read the damn thing the first time. Well done.
I read this out of pure curiosity because I didn't understand the Delphi angle in the Cursed Child. I haven't actually finished reading the piece because I thought it read like bad fan fiction by a self respected playwright. Delphi just seemed like a poor connection staining an already good enough tale that could have survived without an Epilogue. That's a personal opinion.
However you bring up fair points. This is gonna sound bad but I never thought about the prisoners associating, or being assisted by potions or even having the time to stroll around the fortress. Shame on me for that cruel and unusual punishment thing and forgetting Death Eaters were human, huh? Bad me.
The beauty of this thing is you don't overdue it. You invent spells and charms yes but you make them work. I think I tell you every time you beta for me that I don't initially agree with you. And I don't. And then I read the damn thing. (Yeah, that's me. Hello.). I am sitting here thinking "Why is the Dementor talking? Why is it talking, Kerichi?"
Oh, YEAH! You're secretly brilliant. I get it, continue. I love the comrade relationship between the prisoners and Bellatrix's humor. It just I never would have thought that. And the poor guard. Is that an Auror who drew the short straw?
I felt bad for Bellatrix when I read she got landed with Delphi in the Cursed Child.
I mean, Voldemort loves nobody. Yes I felt bad for Pettigrew once upon a time, too.
This piece made me seriously think. You have a gift hidden among fluff here. Should we mention you're right in closing? Ha!
Well done, Paige.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your lovely review! Muggle prisoners get to trudge around a guarded courtyard for exercise, so I gave the Death Eaters (after years of behaving themselves) the same privileges. The answer to why the Dementor talked to Bellatrix is because she drove him to it by "starving" him of the emotions she felt when experiencing one of her fantasies. Dementors don't need to talk to each other to communicate, so it took some effort and was only a whisper, but it was worth his trouble. It's interesting that you used the word fluff, which has the connotation of something light or trivial, without a lot of substance. I think humor (even dark humor) has a way of giving that impression, but it's really like Merry Poppins' spoonful of sugar helping the "medicine" of deeper meaning (how Bellatrix survived in Azkaban, the depth of her devotion to Voldemort and his--however limited--regard for her, even her "addiction" to the visions she experienced with the Dementor's power) go down in an entertaining way. Thank you for seeing beyond Bella being Bella! :D
This is really, really cute. I read it yesterday and then I got distracted and forgot that I didn't leave a review this morning. I love how this is an ordinary thing, that rurngs out not to be an ordinary thing, that goes back to being an ordinary thing. The Lockhart character? Stroke of brilliance there. Oh, and the little boy with portrays Malfoy who needs a punch in the face. The part where I lost it? You already know this. Probably. The assault and battery thing? And then she DEFINES it! Like, slow your roll, little girl. I died. HAHA! Well done.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review and for making me laugh by giving me the mental image of young Hermione's expression if you told her to slow her roll. She'd understand after thinking about it, but her initial reaction would be hilarious. :D Thanks again, and I hope you had a very merry Christmas!
Well done. I didn't know what to write here so I wrote you a book of a review.
Me like it.
Author's Response: Aw, you were so sweet to email me your review! It was so interesting that when you read the books you considered the twins to be the same person because you thought they were written as a set instead of individuals. Thanks for liking the battle scene and how Alicia and Angelina's friendship was damaged by the mistaken identity at the Yule Ball and they repaired it. Going from one twin to the other would've been weird if Angelina hadn't known them as two unique individuals who happened to be identical. She loved Fred, but they were friends more than lovers, and she was *in love* with George, which made all the difference. :)
So, can I do this twice? Can I submit two reviews? I guess we'll see. This piece makes so much more sense after seeing the movie. Not that it didn't make sense as a standalone. I was just curious where you'd gathered that idea.
Well, I kind of read the screenplay before watching the movie. I have this unspoken law about that - I read the book before watching the film, so this was like seeing it in a second written form. Another medium, since I finally got round to reading that book.
Question: Can Ms. Rowling write a screenplay? Answer: Yes, that woman still knows how to play her own game. And she apparently knows who Deliverance Dane is. Or was. She dead, Respect.
I like your interpretation of this scene. Maybe it was more than one scene? Probably. I dunno. You use a lot of quotes from the text. Or the film? Or the text? Ah, a chicken-and-the-egg thing. Given your word count and your references, the me in me would have liked to have liked to seen that cited differently. But this is fan fiction and I don't know if that fundamentally matters. I don't know. That's a difficult bridge to cross. I studied English - it's a soft spot. Again, given this is fan fiction, we're stealing an idea, anyway. These building blocks are not our own. That's worse than the chicken-and-the egg thing.
Anyway, the teddy bear analogy was nice. I didn't know until the film that Mr. Kalowalski was chunky, so I get the reference now. Can I just say that I LOVE that that man is a baker? Like, not a sweets outta the box man, but a baker. Respect.
I didn't know the cocoa mugs were stirring themselves. That was a touch I missed from JKR. I love that the baker himself regrets he missed out on the cocoa. HAHA!
I love that you have the sisterly relationship and I actually understand it this time around. I like that Queenie sees that the sister - the sister - Tina likes Scamander. Is that a love interest? Is that in canon? Probably.
If so - I missed that, too. The scientist isn't alone. That's funny ... and cute. :) The scientist and the investigator ... haha. Way to go.
Thank God they only call her Tina in the films.... and the screenplay.
Newt Scamander reminds me of a zoologist. I love and admire the respect he has for those creatures.
Oh, the end of the movie. Duh. I get the romance now.
Uh huh. Still funny.
Yep, it's canon that Porpentina is the future Mrs. Scamander. Porpentina is like Nymphadora--who could blame either woman for wanting to be called something else? :D I prefer cute and cuddly to "chunky", but I'm glad you liked the Teddy Bear analogy. This is a behind the scenes story, showing Queenie's thoughts, so I used memorable quotes from the film (6) and cited them in the end note:
Tina, you brought men home . . . This is Mr. Scamander . . .Fine . . . Aw, don’t worry, honey . . . You prefer strudel . . .But we made ‘em cocoa . . .are direct quotes from the film that I found inspiring, along with the mutual attraction between Jacob and Queenie. It was fun to write what was happening in certain scenes from Queenie’s pov, and I hope readers enjoyed reading it.
Sorry Paige I started this review and then hit the wrong button on my iPad and had to start again because I hit the wrong button.
I have not read the script or watched the movie of this. (I know.). I only know that Redmayne is in it and I cried during "Theory of Everything". So, it was nice to read this without anything attached.
I did not know that Tina and Queenie were sisters; I did not know that Tina wasn't that girls real name. Apparently the odd name thing continues on the other side of the pond, too. That's a chacteristic of JKR.
I like that teddy bear reference because it takes me back. I both a ftiend of mine, a hugger, a shirt that says, "I want to cuddle you so hard." Jon literally comes home and hugs me so hard I can't breathe. This reminded me SO much of that.
I like that, given this is the 1920s (I know stuff, okay? I just haven't seen it.) the one sister is focused on her career. The, oh, I don't even know what to call this - the old housewife mentality continued way past that, so well done, Tina.
The crush? Yeah, that's a cute sisterly thing. Maybe I should look into this "Fantastic Beasts" and grab dome cocoa. I have some, I think.
Author's Response: Nice to read this and not cry? :D Yep, JKR loves her "unique" names. I'd call myself Tina if my parents named me Porpentina too. It's old English for porcupine, for Merlin's sake. I remember it from Hamlet: Like quills upon the fretful porpentine. The actress who played Tina did a great job of making her determined to do her job and then determined to do what was right instead of "fretful." I think it helps that she's got her dad's (Sam Waterson from Law & Order) serious brown eyes. Please do watch Fantastic Beasts if it's still in theaters, with or without cocoa, and thank you so much for your lovely review! :)
So I read this three times and I kept coming back to it. I read stuff like I watch movies. I read or I watch, I take notes. I come back and have to start all over again. This, by the way, is not the way someone should go about doing things.
I asked someone once why someone would bother writing Next Generation if not to have a clean slate. (You know me well enough to know that is me asking a legitimate question, this is not me being mean.). I think, and I wasn't altogether sure at first, which is why I read this three times to be sure, you've answered my question. Maybe.
Let's take this piece so I can show you what I'm talking about. You take a simple idea, and you patch up the holes in the wall with reasonable, small gestures of magic. Some writers, and I used to do this myself, insert magic blandly without explaining why it needs to be there. With you, and I've learned this both as seeing you as a beta and a writer, you place these things in so they are almost natural, necessary things that you don't have to think about because they blend in so well they are there without being there.
I have NEVER seen that done so respectfully in HP fanfiction before. (I swear to God sometimes you have me thinking How in the hell does she do that? There it is...again .
Your stroke of genius that I didn't realize it for what it was until the second read? Again, your putty knife thing. The threstral-carriage ride send off? Never EVER would have thought of that. (I stole it as a thing in one of my pieces. I give credit. You are secretly brilliant.) Iam kind of annoyed that Lily kind of skipped out on it, really. I already don't like her name.
You know why I don't like her name? Side tangent. I have a cat called Luna and my sister has a dog (although I call it a different whatever) called Lily. Lily ... is Lily. Neither, by the way, are a nod toward HP. I doubt my sister ever read Harry Potter.
So ... nice. I have to say that I like that this Lily gives authority the hand gesture and then like hides behind the grandparents. Classic move, kid. Runneth to Grandfather. Or whatever. I like that she toys with the Scamander kid.
I was confused and I have to admit this was why I stopped. I kept telling myself that Blaise is the same age as Harry. And that ... got weird. In my head. I was thinking why would this girl does this? Paige? Paige. Why we doing this, Paige? This girl is obviously being played so WHY is so stupid? Like the horror movie. Don't go inside, girl! Girl, you SO stupid.
Beccause she's a girl being played, you stupid. *facepalm* Forgive Jenn. She dumb. I love the nod to Blaise's mother, who I call "The Wife of Bath" in HP. The Siren thing? Nice. The Wife of Bath is cooler. Sorry, JKR.
I like that you don't immediately shove these kids into adulthood since they are seventeen and left school. People forget that. You see it in Marauder tales. Kids are still kids. Adults do something stupid without thinking. Lily Luna (the name...) is still a litlle girl. She's ready to move on, yet she's not quite there.
That's what I read into the thestral-carriage ride thing. How's that for deep thinking first thing in the morning, eh? Yep. *clears throat* I'm kidding.
Well done, Paige.
Author's Response: Thank you! You can bold, italicize, or underline anything you want. I'm just happy you read and enjoyed the story. :) Thank you for liking the Thestrals carriage ride send off for seventh years! I'll have to hunt for the story you used it in. I like writing Next Gen because I want to know what HP characters are like as parents, what their children are like, what personality traits the kids have in common with their parents, how they're different, how their view of the world differs, and too many other things to list. As for what Lily saw in Blaise, well, he's gorgeous, he treated her like an adult (I never considered myself a kid at eighteen. I don't know any older teens that do), and he's gorgeous, lol. Wizards and witches live a lot longer than Muggles (when they're not killed off) so age gaps aren't as big a deal. Even in the Muggle world, there are tons of famous older men who marry or have romantic partners who are much younger. Harrison Ford, Nelson Mandela, John Cleese, Anthony Hopkins, etc, etc, etc. The phrase "age ain't nothing but a number" is actually true for some couples, wizard or Muggle. Thank you for always making me do some deep thinking before responding to your reviews! ^_^
PS I don't know why half the above is bolded. HTML. HTML code. Sorry. Not redoing it. Nope. Sorry if you thought you got another review, boo. Good job, though.,
Author's Response: Good job is a review! Writers are needy, we take what we can get. ;)
I hope I can copy and paste this out of a Pages document when I finish drafting this. So, starting with Chapter One because I recently reviewed something out of order, and thankfully, the writer took it without complaint.
So, I am probably going to start this on a line that you don't like. I'm attacking Lily, not your writing here. Lily is not "self-confident". She might indeed believe she is, and she sounds as though so buys it. That isn't self-confidence. That's privileged, self-righteous, little girl arrogance! You illustrate this well through your writing, and I am truly sorry I don't like your little girl, but she is what my grandmother would call a princess. As Ruth would say, "There is no time for a woman, a proper young woman, to be a princess." They don't exist in Lily's society, as it were, and if I were Ginny Weasley (and that's actually pretty funny because my proper name is close to hers), that girl would be getting a wakeup call. Who acts that way for three years after becoming an adult? Well, a lot of kids think they are that entitled.
This mindset probably means I am getting old. Whatever. I was raised by two Marines. You don't pull this shit Lily Luna pulled. My father .... man, this little girl. I dunno. HA! I'm glad I am not a character in this story. Cause ... yeah. The way she speaks to Draco in the beginning? That's an elder. Twice blessed military brat I might be, but I have NEVER opened cursed in front of an adult upon first meeting them. I mean, I can see way later on, with her growing comfortable with him. She reminded me of a schoolboy Draco Malfoy. (Sorry, Paige.)
Maybe I am getting old. But had she been my daughter, we'd be having a Come to Whatever moment right quick.
Okay. So, if you're not angry keep reading, my friend. Draco Malfoy? His characterization is spot on. That's really how I imagined him. One of the good parts about Cursed Child and the seventh book? Draco Malfoy isn't that pampered little boy anymore. He's a man, maybe a good man. And then his wife dies? And how did I forget that? Draco Malfoy suddenly has my sympathy because he's no longer a prick. He's a man he whose son is really, seriously cute with that personality. Scorpius made that play.
I initially thought that it was weird that Draco took an interest in alchemy. But you crafted that really well as an idea. The way he has a system within his chaos, but it's organized in his mind. I have a sister like that. I laughed at that, thank you. Researchers, a lot of researchers, are like that. I don't know how you picked that up, but you nailed it.
The transition, and I know this takes more than one day, seems a little rushed. I know it's like over a week or something, but it comes off as a fling. Maybe it this. Lily"s flighty, and. I am not the motherly type (as you know) but that scares me. It's not that she's paired with her father's ex-arch nemesis, it's that I cannot stop picturing Lily as a little girl. Ever seen the episode of "How I Met Your Mother" when Ted ends up with that little newscaster girl. Who is that? Ugh. Becky .... Becky! YES! Lily is Becky. Jeez. Poor Draco.
I like it. Please don't hate me. Poor Draco. Damn.
I'm happy you like it and I don't hate you. LOL about the princess comment. I think Lily is very much the Potter Princess. Her parents, like many parents who have grown up poor (in Ginny's case) or had hard childhoods (like Harry) give their children what they didn't have, both materially and, in Lily's case, time to figure out what she wants to do with her life. The story starts with her parents and family pulling a life intervention on Lily, who stubbornly decides to find her own way without their help...and it takes her to Malfoy Manor and Draco Malfoy.
Lily saying BS to Draco(my mother would've said it's a vulgarity, not an expletive) is showing you that she sees herself as a 21yr old adult speaking to another adult. She doesn't care about his age. Think of all the famous and infamous people in the wizarding world she's grown up with. She's like a celebrity's child. She's been socializing with men of varying ages all her life. She's comfortable talking to Draco on an adult level. Her attraction to him is what has her blushing and Apparating when he pulls himself out of the pool. He's her friend's father and her family wouldn't be pleased to say the least.
If you didn't notice, it will become clear in the next part that Lily knows an awful lot about Draco. She's not only heard about him from her family and then Scorpius, but she's remembered what Scorpius said, and wondered about Draco. He's seen her pictures in the papers. They were curious about each other, and then they met, and curiosity became attraction.
Lily isn't the little girl on the train platform in the epilogue anymore.
Second review, though is probably going to be shorter.
Okay, the alchemist angle makes more sense here, and I am glad you explored that angle. With anything, there are those who research, solely research,,and those who practice. Some who do both. Malfoy researches, which I actually like, because that makes him a scientific fellow. Alchemy, after all, is science, an explanation on some levels for the mystic. The Egyptians and the Islamic world were the actual ones credited for tying that towards the scientific method.
I don't know how much research you did for your Malfoy researcher here, but alchemy is so much bigger than it's magical element. It's everything ... it's the building block of modern chemistry. It is everything. Sorry. I'm drafting a OF piece on alchemy, and I have read up on it after a seminar (most boring days of my life) in university. The professor said, "alchemy" and I lit up. As a kid who grew up with surgery after surgery, I believe in science. Science is my faith.
Yes, a boring lecture can change everything. I like Lily better here. And I don't know why because a lot of time hasn't passed. I think what's difference, and consequently what I think I missed, is the generation gap. I like that they don't meet each other on the same level, and they are all right with it. It's realistic that way. I think we've had this conversation, about it's good that this isn't the Victorian Era and a widower isn't left completely, utterly alone.
Now, the only problem that I have with this, and I point this out because I know how difficult it is, the time/space thing doesn't make sense. It is not that it doesn't make sense, really. It's just that it's not apparent. It is, of course, if and when you point it out, but it's there without being there. Perhaps that should have been a stronger angle. Maybe it would make it more believable?
Now that I am not seeing Lily as a little girl, it's more plausible, and I got annoyed whenever the parents or the cousin stepped in. She grown. Let her do her thing, whatever that thing is. The thing about the servants, as they are actual paid, like, people is a step in the right direction for Draco. I think his character growth is the shining star behind this. He recognizes that he is arrogant, worse than arrogant, and he mirrored that because of his father. Hate brews hate for no reason at all. And Malfoy points out. Well done.
Although, saying that, Mr. Malfoy is still a good olde boy living off the family money. Nothing wrong with that, although Scorpius, as I imagine the money's running out, will have to actually get a job. HA!
Lily went from little girl to confident here, or, at least, she's getting there. Well done, Paige.
My second response is going to be longer, heh.
Thank you for noticing Draco’s character growth! He’s changed for the better through living with the consequences of his actions and the loss of his wife. As for Lily, no twenty-one year old thinks of herself as a little girl, but she did grow in confidence that her feelings weren’t one-sided and was able to be proactive instead of running away.
There’s a saying about writing: Fiction is life with the dull bits left out. I concentrated on the scenes that showed Lily and Draco’s growing attraction and how they opened up to each other as they worked and spent time together, but just because I didn’t write scenes for all fourteen days doesn’t mean that I didn’t show time was passing or how that time had passed. To prove it, I went through and copied all the bits I think you overlooked. Hopefully, anyone who reads through them will be intrigued and want to read the story and judge for themselves. ;)
The first day is the moment of change in both their lives, so it earned a lot of scenes (6,644 words worth!). Once the attraction/working relationship/introduction to Malfoy Manor was established, I wrote:
Dinner that evening set the tone of their working relationship. They were polite, mainly discussed his research, and whenever their eyes met and held at random moments, each looked somewhere else and acted as though it had never happened. On Monday, Lily's run followed by a swim in the pool was so invigorating she resolved to make it a daily habit. Friday morning, after showering off the sweat of a run that for the first time hadn't had her groaning at the midpoint and walking back, she pulled on her green one-piece swimsuit and headed for the pool.
Friday evening during dinner:
"Don't you dare!" Lily dug her spoon into a meringue. "An alarm would go off in the kitchen and Mrs. Stevens would jinx you." He grinned mischievously, and she returned his grin before asking, "Will we fend for ourselves tomorrow? I've been here since Sunday, so I'm assuming the Stevenses have Saturdays off."
"They do." All of a sudden, Draco was absorbed with eating his dessert.
Lily said, "Scorpius told us about your racing broom collection. I thought it would be fun if we flew over Stonehenge--using Disillusionment Charms, of course." If she did friend type things with Draco, maybe they'd become as comfortable as friends.
Because Saturday’s events weren’t ones that needed fleshed out scenes, I summarized:
Flying on the latest Nimbus racing broom and getting a bird's eye view of a national treasure were experiences she'd never forget. The images of Draco wearing a form-fitting grey t-shirt and jeans, flying beside her and later challenging her to a sandwich making competition were unforgettable too. His Malfoy Monte Cristo won over her Potter pastrami and Swiss on rye, and her growing urge to kiss him nearly overcame her common sense. She took a cold shower before bed.
The next morning, she awoke resolved to choose a friend activity that couldn't be misinterpreted by her lust-fogged brain as anything resembling a date. She rummaged through the sports gear stored in the wardrobe in Scorpius's old bedroom and found what she was looking for. She tucked a flamingo shaped mallet under her arm and Apparated to the dining room.
After the croquet match:
Her strategy to do friend activities had backfired. She decided more work was the answer. During their lemonade and biscuits celebration in the kitchen, she asked if the Stevenses cleaned the manor all on their own. "I can help in the mornings," she said. "Kreacher taught me Cleaning Charms, and he even trusts me to polish the Black family silver."
Mrs. Stevens has her help Draco, who offers to teach her swim strokes if she’ll be his running coach:
By the end of their second run, she was calling herself every kind of idiot for going along with Draco's idea. Her physical attraction to him had escalated, and she actually liked him more every day. He had a self-deprecating sense of humour, and knew so much about the manor it was obvious where Scorpius got his interest in history. Although she was more interested in the people of the past rather than wars and dates, Lily enjoyed hearing about the items they cleaned. Her favourite subject, though, was alchemy.
She'd never known that Muggles considered alchemy to be a protoscience that became the field of chemistry. The only thing she remembered Binns teaching her class about Muggle alchemists was their eternal quest to turn lead into gold. Draco showed her texts that revealed a humanitarian goal; Medieval alchemists searched for a way to transmute sickness and disease into health. Texts were written using obscure language and double meanings, which led to misinterpretation. Wizard alchemists used the phrase lead into gold as code for a transmutation of self: the art of the Animagi. Gold in Muggle writings often meant magic. Muggles believed if an alchemist could comprehend the properties of a material, it was possible to break down the physical structure and reform it using spells if one had the gift of magic. In other words, if one was a witch or wizard.
(added the alchemy part to show yes, I had Lily find out that alchemy was a building block of chemistry) Another transition/timeframe reminder:
"What are we going to do with your research?" Lily finally asked at the end of her second work week.
After dinner the second Friday night:
Once in her room, Lily remembered that she hadn't asked if he already had plans for tomorrow. She wrote a note, folded the parchment into a paper airplane, and cast the spell to send it flying like a Ministry interdepartmental memo.
The next morning:
She awoke in a daylit room and turned to the bedside clock. It was a quarter past ten!
After the picnic at the lake, dinner interruptus, and what happened afterward and Lily tiptoeing downstairs to the library:
Stevens started to ask why she'd stayed up all night to do something she could have done over days or weeks, she saw his mouth start to form the first word, and then he pressed his lips together. She could almost hear the wheels in his brain turning.
and then, after the early morning scene, Lily goes upstairs and:
She ended up opening the window drapes to let the noon sunlight flood the room
I don’t want to come across as defensive, but you’re the second reviewer who didn’t pick up that two intense weeks passed from the time Lily arrived at the manor to the time she and Draco (spoiler not given, lol), and I wanted to show that the passing time isn’t “there without being there,” as you put it. It’s there but you didn’t pay attention (and you know I speak the truth in love because I beta your stories!).
I know a couple who got married after dating for two weeks, and from personal experience, when you spend a lot of time with someone, and you both like that person and feel a strong attraction, your ages mean nothing, and you fall hard and fast whether anyone else believes it’s love or not.
And maybe I’ll write a sequel from Draco’s pov just to prove it. ^_~
Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Delphini Riddle is self-taught; things can be different.
Every time I start a review on you, and I used to do this with another writer, I forget that I’m going to dissect this thing and want to talk. I’ve spent my day in the law library, so I’m going to treat this as a case history. Read, write, pause, read and write again. Get to the justice’s say in the opinion and redo it. Okay.
This first passage? Delphini is terrifying, blissfully terrifying. Like this child would give me nightmares. This child? No, this infant, who processes why beyond her neurological development, is beautiful. My first thought? This child is Rosemary’s Baby. She’s a danger. She is not in danger; the child is the danger. Nice. Not a bedtime story, this one.
I think I’ve mentioned that I can’t wrap my head round “Cursed Child” because of this character. First off, can I tell you that I so disappointed that Voldemort, or Madame Voldemort is the same, the same antagonist in eight books? I can’t wrap my head round Delphini character. First off, Madam Lestrange was old. Two. Lord Voldemort was older and he didn't love anyone to begin with. Third. Gross? First, two, third? God, Jenn. Do better. But I thought this “antagonist” … I haven’t reading this play because of that character. It’s fan fiction. Sorry, Mr. Tiffany. Not only fan fiction. Bad, you ruined the fourth book, Mr. Playwright, fan fiction. Okay. I’m stepping off the soap box.
And she wants a toy pony? The brilliance. The whatever to Catholicism was funny, even to a sometimes Catholic, as the Catholics are not catholic, so, thank you, but the pony? That is dark. She's poised, playing the game, and I’ve no idea if I’m reading her right, but I see her as a woman, not a child. And the fact that she wouldn’t be perceived as a good-looking child? Her caretaker … don’t know where I stand with that woman. Wasn’t Tom Riddle, and you’re going to correct me here if I’m wrong, wasn't Tom Riddle attractive? And did his son not mirror him? I don't like the Bonham Carter interpretation of Bellatrix, honestly, but that woman while frightening as a Lestrange, could not, I believe, have been, ugly. Granted, old girl spent years in prison, but you see what I’m sayin’? Too bad that child was taught to perceive something that wasn't there. Delphini’s inner beauty? That’s something.
I read something somewhere that said that the important characters in Rowling’s world have books. A nod towards literacy and the escape. But Dumbledore and Voldemort researching Horcruxes and (when I saw it) Professor Snape in Spinner’s End. I’m glad that Delphini carries that through. And that she learns and she crafts, and she lives as she learns. I think I’m going to go off book here again. Forgive me.
There are rare leaders who can make a difference. Eric in “Phantom of the Opera” comes to mind when I think of your Delphini. He grew in the darkness, but Eric, while he was Eric, was beautiful in his own special way. I’ve read that book by Gaston Leroux, not the French, obviously, and I can’t remember if the name “Eric” is mentioned. Maybe Andrew Lloyd added that. The Phantom, to me, is a symbol of Gothic literature and French Romanticism. Delphini, while different, reminds me of Eric.
Mr. Churchill. That’s where I was going with the leader comment. Winston Churchill came from nothing, nothing, and that man was a Godsend as a leader. Even after they retired him and sent him away, Elizabeth had that man as her first PM. Now, I know the Sovereign does not choose her man (or woman (as there is a new Thatcher), but Churchill was brilliant. Truly brilliant. He reached out to FDR not once, but multiple times … because he knew. Churchill knew! I believe, I truly believe that there are people who come along, maybe not even each generation, but once in a while, and they bother to open the door. They open the mind. Churchill, like Hawking, although that’s another extreme, belonged not to Her Majesty but to Britain.
Roosevelt, by the way, did this right bedside this Englishman. His friend, his Englishman. Oddly enough, thanks to his mother Sara, Roosevelt was sheltered in the Delano family like your Delphini here. Then he found Eleanor, and he got Polio, and then he … he became Roosevelt.
Why else do I explain this? Turn to meet the power. Let the light in.
Delphini (and I’m trying not to write “Delphi”) brings these two men to mind. And, oh, look, Paige mentions Churchill in the footnotes. Yes!
So, yes, there is light in the darkness. Apparently the character I wanted erased as a villain sees that. I like her here. Not in the damn book. Well done, Paige
It’s always interesting to read your take on stories! I did purposely show how horrifying it would be to be a nursemaid to a natural Legilimens who has no idea how to control her abilities, but after showing what a deprived childhood Delphini had:
She'd never meant to frighten anyone with her "peeping" as Nanny McNary--her last and favourite nursemaid--called it. The women who tended her just had such open minds, Delphini from birth was able to catch stray memories and thoughts that made her want to see more. When she did, it was almost like she was the one who had been hugged, who had laughed, and who had been kissed on the cheek. The nursemaids taught her about families. They taught her about emotions that didn't hurt, and showed her glimpses of the world outside the dim, musty corridors of Rowle House. As the years passed, she learned through sad experience to peek at thoughts without being detected.
I don’t know why you thought I portrayed Delphini as “not good-looking.” I showed why Delphini had never heard someone call her pretty before: her old nanny didn’t believe in puffing up a child’s vanity (and Euphemia sure wasn’t going to be handing out compliments):
All the chairs on the lower deck were taken. Delphini eagerly met the gaze of passengers as she walked by. Most had distracted, need to pick up this or that item while shopping sorts of thoughts. A stern-faced old woman looked at her and was reminded of a favourite granddaughter who had similar long dark hair. What a darling child. So pretty.
Delphini stopped beside the woman's chair.
Stern features softened. "First time on the bus?" Receiving a nod, the old woman smiled. "The best view's at the top."
"Thank you." No one had called her darling or pretty before. Nanny McNary used to say things like, "you look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning" and "our walk's put roses in those pale cheeks," but Nanny was a lapsed Catholic, whatever that was, who believed that puffing up a child's vanity was not training her in the way she should go.
When Delphini asks Euphemia, “Do you know my birthdate?” she sees this memory:
The paediatric Healer who made house calls examined baby Delphini on the nursery room window seat. "Date of birth?" he asked.
Euphemia, who stood with a wide-eyed nursemaid who seemed on the verge of a panic attack, said, "How would I know? She was left on my doorstep like a foundling. You're the Healer. You tell me."
"I can't be exact, but the last week of April, I'd say." He gazed down at baby Delphini. "Monday's child is fair of face."
"Monday, then," Euphemia snapped. "Are we done?"
The Healer is calling her fair of face, and even Rodolphus remarks on her resemblance to her father:
Rodolphus's eyes gleamed. "You can charm with your looks, like your father did when he was young and used such things to advantage, but you've got Bellatrix's stubborn chin." Softness left his tone. "But you're not your mother, girl. You'll do as you're told."
You also perceived Delphini “as a woman, not a child” and thought her wanting a toy pony to play with “Dark.” But it wasn’t. It was the natural desire of a six-year-old girl (even a preternaturally gifted one with magical abilities far beyond her years) to have a friend.
If you remember the genie in Disney’s Aladdin explaining, “Phenomenal cosmic powers! Itty bitty living space,” that’s my vision of Delphini. She has incredible natural talent and a mind that loves to read and learn, but at the same time she’s still a little girl who wants a friend and a family more than anything.
Thank you for liking that she turns to the light instead of the darkness, and for liking her in the story. I didn’t care for her in the play either. She deserved better than to be a discount Voldemort. :D.
I don't know why but this reminded me of when my grandfather and grandmother died within months of each other. The seriously raw part you ought to be commended on? The fight between the sisters on the phone call despite the death. That's real life in a nutshell, yo. Well done.
Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad I'm on good terms with my sister, but I know things can be so much worse.
I kind of like this. The mother's death scene was good as it follows canon. The only issue that I have is Luna wasn't, like mentally deranged, or disturbed, or detached. Rowling says something to this effect. Can't someone be weird for being weird? Luna celebrates that because Luna is Luna ....Luna is simply Luna. She's not detached ... she chooses to be that way and understands such. For that matter. Mr. Lovegood and Newt Scamander are oddballs. You don't have to be ostracized for being an oddball. Maybe needs a second read. Just a thought.
This was really well written. The flashback might have been more effective if presented first; I am always curious as to why writers choose to go back instead of following Order. JKR usually went in order. Maybe that's hust a thing. Even if Draco were remembering something, you can still step back without going back. Does that make sense?
I like that Draco remembers while it's a new experience for his son. Maybe the flashback is there to give Astoria life on the page? Maybe that's it. I appreciate that you actually take the time to illustrate scenes instead of doing a one-liner or a zinger, which is what I have seen in fanfiction of late.
The shower scene is common place, which makes it relatively relatable..the only thing is you mess up on the words "though" and "thought" so one more read over ought to do it.
The illustration of time on the platform is done with a master stroke. I like how Draco is momentarily annoyed and recovers..that's awesome so the son can enjoy the experience through fresh eyes.
Author's Response: Hi, Jenn. Thanks for commenting! Actually, the opening paragraphs of this chapter are a flash-forward, rather than the final paragraphs being a flashhback. As the further chapters are posted, you will see how this works out.
I got a new textbook at the Willamette Writers Conference in Portland, Oregon, about a month ago. It is entitled The Emotional Craft of Fiction, and I am trying to incorporate its lessons into the writing of this story.
I re-read the shower scene, looking for the place where I had made a confusion of 'though' and 'thought', and I didn't see it, so maybe you can send me a PM citing the specific sentence. It's so hard to catch all the typos, and I really try to create clean copy.