This is really great so far. I encourage you to continue. I think the relationship you have created between Deidre and Mathew is a nice one, even if it's only mentioned and we haven't seen him yet. I love what he tells her; that's such a great set up for the rest of the story. However, you do have some very prominent grammar issues here and there. They mainly affect the flow. Example -- you have: ďHi Deirdre,Ē Hermione said taking a seat and pulling Ron down with her. There should be a comma between said and taking. That was a mistake I noticed that occured frequently. Otherwise, nice work!
Wow. This is wonderful. I love Rhian. She's characterized so well, which can be very hard, but you've definitely pulled it off. I liked that her story and why she was at Hogwarts was explained through Lucius's letter to Draco. It really was a better way to do it than just saying, "Hey, here's what's going on." Your write really well; everything flows nicely and your sentences are structured well. So, congrats on a nice piece of work! I encourage you to continue!
This is great! I can't wait to see where it goes! Update soon!
Author's Response: Thank you, I haven't updated for ages because of problems submitting the next chapter - but I'm so happy people are still reading it I'll try again as soon as possible! Also, my story line is a little off now that Remus is with Tonks; but I'm not a great fan of that pairing anyway, so... xxx
I can't believe you only have one review for this, it's really great. You have such a nice writing style; the sentences flow nicely and they're never confusing. I think you captured the essence of the Final Battle wonderfully and Garivald and Macnair's meeting had me completely fooled. The ending was great, you ended it at the perfect time. You really should continue this. One thing, though -- Muggle is capitalized. That was the only thing I noticed. Otherwise, great work!
I was pleasantly surprised with this. Most of the humor fics I've seen usually contain iffy grammar, but yours is great. Really, I was really happy to be reading something that used nice and correct grammar. I really love this. It's so interesting, and definitely something I haven't seen before. I have one tiny piece of criticism, though. I suggest not using so many page line breaks. I mean, the one before the "quite a few turns later" was fine, but everywhere else you didn't really need one. Overall, though, great work!
Author's Response: You are probably right! *coughs with embarrassment* Well, that's really the only chapter with page breaks, so... maybe it has enough to cover the rest of the story as well?
That was amazing. You really captured Sirius, I think. Some things in particular I liked:
"Perhaps she wasn't heartbroken. I don't believe she had a heart." Perfet. Exactly what I think her character was like.
"I laughed. But I had reason to laugh then. I had the Marauders. And I had James." Again, perfect.
I lived my whole life trying to disassociate myself from them, and then, when it mattered most, I acted exactly like them." So sad. But it's what Sirius would think of himself.
"Of course hindsight is 20/20..." So true...
"It would be difficult to believe of me...except I'm a Black." This explained perfectly how much Sirius despised his name.
I also liked the beginning and ending. You've done a wonderful with this! And I think now my review is quite long enough... :)
Regulus is one character that I never get tired of exploring, whether it be in my own writing or in others'. I must say that you have written him wonderfully here. Another one of your pieces that's going on my favorites list.
He listened, and planned, and waited, and wondered about Gryffindors. I really liked this line. I think it just captures Regulus really well. Something about it tells me that he has never forgotten his brother, and has always wished that he could have been more like him. And it goes with the next part about what his name means, and how he wasn't sorted into Gryffindor. I think Regulus probably would have torn up his letter of congratulations from his parents. So...yeah.
he threw back his head and laughed wildly, like Sirius would have done. I love that he does it as Sirius would have done. That, to me, just says again how much he looked up to and admired Sirius. Sirius was someone Regulus never was, which is illustrated very nicely here. Especially later, when he thinks for Sirius to top this. It's like he's just trying to live up to his older brother.
The part about not being to look when he performs the Cruciatus Curse was great. Really sad, but really accurate, I think. I like the Bellatrix is there too. I included her in both my Regulus fics. It just seems like she would have had a role in Regulus's Death Eater life. Your ending part about the locket was really good. I'm kind of glad that you didn't include when he actually gets the locket, because I don't feel like that's the important part. What's important, I think, is Regulus is still thinking, even as he places a Horcrux in an old cabinet, about Sirius. It just shows how much of an influence Sirius was in Regulus's life. And the last line was wonderful. It really ended the fic in a great way. Once again, awesome job! 10/10
Ok so I'm not a S/R shipper at all, but I guess I just looked past it... everything was written beautifully. You had amazing descriptions and really got inside what the characters were feeling. It was wonderful! Thanks for a great read!
This a great start! I can't wait to read more! Lily and James forever!!
And no, contrary to beliefs very likely impressed upon you by this summary, I'm not a gormless prat.
Well... not entirely.
I love this! Absolutely spectacular! I'm so glad I discovered it! You've got the Marauders very well in character and your style is fun to read. 10/10
Author's Response: I'm so glad you discovered it too! Thanks for your kind words, and I hope you'll continue reading and reviewing... :)
Mmk, so I just wrote you this really long review and then I got logged out...so I'm going to attempt to re-write it and try not to miss anything...Ok, so first off, I really enjoyed this. I loved your portrayal of Andromeda. I tend to be fascinated by the Blacks in general, so I was, naturally, drawn to this fic.
I think the Andromeda you have here is somewhat akin to the rebel-I-hate-my-family-Sirius. And that's a good thing because I've always seen Andromeda as similar to Sirius. The wanting to get away, the longing to be of a different family. It's all very Sirius, and also very Andromeda. But you do differentiate between the two of them. For example, here: Although her blood was pure, probably more so than that of some of the others surrounding her, it didnít matter to her. The part of this that stood out to me was the 'although her blood was pure...' I think it's kind of like she is wondering (even if subconciously) why she isn't accepted, especially since she's a pureblood. There's a small part of her that feels like she should be respected because of her pure blood. But then it doesn't matter to her. I love that. It's a very human quality, to say you don't care about something when you really do, if just a little bit. I don't know if you did that intentionally, but that's what it meant to me.
This line also caught my attention: She had been sorted into Slytherin, but she hadnít really expected anything else seeing as no Black had ever been sorted into any of the other houses. To me, it's saying that Andromeda didn't think, at least not then, that she could be any better than the rest of the Blacks. It's a lot like how Sirius would have thought at that age, I think. They're raised to believe that anything other than Slytherin is unacceptable, and that in turn leads them to believe that they can't be any better themselves. They don't think they can separate themselves from their family and become better people. Eleven years old, afterall, is fairly young. It's an age at which they're probably not entirely sure of themselves and not quite independent yet.
I really like how Andromeda finds a safe haven in the library. Your descriptions of both the library and the Slytherin common room were very accurate, and also nicely contrasting. I think having Andromeda find solace in the library is showing her more bookish (perhaps even Ravenclaw-ish) side. I think in the books the Blacks are portrayed as intelligent people so it only seems fitting that Andromeda would be too and thus like the library. I've actually seen her characterized as a Ravenclaw before, so it seems we're on the right track here. And that brings me to another point: her house. I like that you put her in Slytherin. We tend to view Slytherins as evil and by placing an overall good person (Andromeda) there really helps to break that stereotype. But you also show her Slytherin side. You don't place her there and then not justify it. She is very eager (ambitious even) to attain her goal, which is a very Slytherin quality. So nice job there.
She preferred it to the Slytherin common room, which seemed to radiate lifelessness with its continuous twilight, broken only sporadically by the open fire, a deficient number of candles, and dark furniture. I just liked that sentence. =) It was worded extremely well and just helped to give the perfect image of the Slytherin common room. And finally, I like how you ended this. Throughout this whole thing, you've stuck with the main idea. You didn't go off on long tangents, but rather stayed with your point. In the last sentence, you touch again on her Hogwarts years, which just helps to recap everything.
I really enjoyed this. It was a great read and portrayed Andromeda very nicely. Keep up the great work!
I feel your pain, this happened to me all the time so now I write my reviews in word and just copy and paste them on here. I hate writing my reviews more than once because I usually forget half of what I wanted to say.
I\'m glad you think I managed to show w Andromeda is put in Slytherin. I worked really hard on making her different and \'nicer\' (for want of a better word) without having to put her into another house, because I seem to remember that Sirius was the forst Black not sorted into Slytherin. Anyway, I\'m glad you liked the fic.^^ It was actually supposed to be a drabble, but it became slightly too long, so I added a bit here and there and submitted it to the main site instead of entering it for the drabble contest on the forums.
Yay! Chapter three's finally up! Well, I told you I owed you a review so here I am. And now onto the review. Drumroll please...
The flashback in the beginning was really nice. It fit well with the rest of this chapter, I think. I also quite enjoyed the fall-out between Ron and Melody. It's about time she left. ;-)
I think Hermione going to Harry's grave was a great way for her to express her emotions and get everything off her chest. Because she's talking to someone who can't quite talk back to her, it allows her to say everything she needs to say without interruption. It's basically akin to having a character talk to inanimate objects, really. Only I think it works a bit better to have it be a real person who just happens to be *sniff* dead.
I'm totally sad that Ron thinks Hermione won't forgive him...of course, I'm always totally sad until the two of them get back together. They're just meant to be, you know?
So here's hoping chapter four is up soon! Keep up the good work! -Leanne
Beautiful. Absolutely amazing. "I speak of the snow that caps men's hearts." Great line. So perfect. I don't know what else to say other than superb job!
Author's Response: Thank you so much, I'm really glad that this little piece caught your attention.
This is such a great start! I love how Tonks was drawn to Remus even when she was young... it was also great how he insisted on calling her Nymphadora. Very Remus. 10/10
I love this! I think you've captured Tonks and Remus very well. I do have one question though. In the summary for this chapter, it says Tonks is fifteen, but if she is in third year, then she is thirteen. I am assuming you meant to say thirteen since everything else in the chapter goes with her being thirteen. But this was a great chapter! I can't wait for more!! 10/10
Author's Response: Oh, shoot! You're right! See, when I started the story, I had Tonks in fifth year, but I made some major edits and put her in third year instead. Thanks for pointing that out, I'll change it now. Thank-you for the review!!:)
This was a wonderful chapter! Some things in particular I liked: Her alarm clock exploded. That made me chuckle... "...she didn't want to stand out, although her pink hair kind of took care of that." I just thought this was a nice little sentence. "Tonks smiled and gave a little squeak, which surprised her a bit; she was definitely not the squeaking type." This made me laugh as well. "...you know damn well that it's Tonks." I just love how Remus insists on calling her Nymphadora. It's so cute! So this was a great chapter! Update soon! 10/10 for you!
Author's Response: Thank-you! Hehe, no one's ever quoted me before. I am so glad you liked it! I will have chap. 4 in queue soon.
Let me say first that I very much appreciated your review! It made my day!
I thought this chapter was great! Peter is always slightly behind the other three... I might feel sorry for him if he didn't turn out to be such a... anyway, I liked how both James and Lily were eating Bertie Bott's beans. That was cute. I also loved the ending! "And I think she likes him, too." Great. And so true, even if she doesn't know it yet... Can't wait for the next chapter!
Author's Response: You know, until you said that bit about the Bertie Botts' BEans, I didn't even realize they were noth eating them. Ooops! Hehehehe...I'm going edit the third chapter then, submit it! Hopefully you dont have to wait too long!
Great! I especially loved how you showed the contrast between what James and Lily thought of each other. Hope the next the chapter gets up soon! And if you would, please, check out my story! I have no reviews...
Author's Response: Well, I have added *your* story to my favorites list, and am hoping to read more! Thanks much, and the next chapter has been submitted!
I just knew something like this had to happen during their detention! This was great and so sweet! I look forward to more and I am going to check out your other fic! Update soon! 10/10
Awesome chapter! I too got a bit confused with all the doors and stuff, but it sounded pretty darn cool. Some things I liked in particular: when James moved down a seat for Monica and Samuel. That was cute. Ever need to get a detention? Call on James Potter and his crew of pranksters! That was funny as well. I loved James's comment on how someone was going to start some stupid organization about house elves. Also very funny. Thanks for explaining the whole 'swish' thing. I was scratching my head at that one... but I liked it. Update soon!! 10/10
Author's Response: HeHe! Thanks very much Dory, I do like the Sliding bit too! I am sorry that the layout of the room was a bit confusing! I'll try and post a "blueprint" of it on my author's page- I'll tell you if I get it up! Thanks again and I have submitted the 4th chapter!