I discovered this masterpiece of a story a while ago, but I only just got myself an acount so I can finally review it! Let me just say that I think this story is amazingly well-written. You've got some serious kickass talent! You've written Ron and Hermione really well; I think they're very in character. I loved this chapter! Thanks for such a great read! I can't wait for more!!!!!! infinity/10 for you!!!
I absolutely love this story!!! It's definitely one of the best James/Lily fics I've read! Hurry up and update!! I'm going crazy here!
Oh, that was great. Hilarious, and so Marauders-ish. I love your characterization of them. It's so perfect, exactly how I picture them. I love reading about their various pranks, and even though this wasn't really a prank, it was still great. Another great Marauders adventure. Honestly, Peter stuck in a drainpipe? Wonderful. Excellent job. 10/10
This was very good; you write very well. I did notice some grammar errors (particularly with dialogue) here and there, though. Also, the positions on the Quidditch team should be capitalized: Seeker, Beater, etc. And your predictions did come true for HBP! Spooky...but Jo has pointed out that Mark Evans is, in fact, nobody. Was this written before she told us that? I forget when she finally revealed that fact...oh well. Keep up the good work!
Hmm...this seems intriguing. A bit of a mystery at the end there. Why hasn't Hermione written either of them? Your writing flows nicely and your descriptions are great. Every adjective is perfect. The beginning, though, seems a lot like OotP, with him outside the window. Perhaps you should try to think of something else? I loved the whole Dudley/April thing. That made me laugh. The end was great as well, with him wanting his mother. So sad, but so Harry. A great read, keep it up!
I first discovered your fic when it was featured and since then have loved it! I would have reviewed, but I only just got an account so... right. I think you've created a very real OC here -- I feel like she is a real person. The chemistry between her and Remus is great. Thanks for an amazing read! I can't wait for another update! 10/10 for you!!
I'm actually really glad that you didn't make them Aurors. To me, that's overused. So, good choice. However, I have a hard time believing they would become Unspeakables. But I guess what really bothered me, though, was how readily they gave up careers as Aurors. It seemed rushed to me. And the sex...yeah, I don't see that happening. That seemed rushed as well. But overall, very nice work. I particularly liked James's characterization.
This was great, hilarious! I especially loved when he renamed the forest and himself. I loved all Magorian's thoughts about humans, star-gazing, renaming, blah blah blah. ;) And do Graphorns really taste like chicken? Well, I guess I'll leave that up to you. :) There were two little nit-picky things I noticed, however.
First, you have this: Wait a minute, there was that one time we all gathered and had a mild-mannered discussion about how much we hate humans. he thought. The period should be a comma. Second, you have: chieftan. It should be chieftain. Yes, those were very minor, but I'm a very nit-picky person. Overall, this was hilarious. Nice job!
This is a great start. I'm loving the Seamus/OC pairing. However, Lorri seems to have a very strong accent. Perhaps you could tone it down a bit? You don't have to, but it seemed a little odd while I was reading it. Like it was too strong or something. The dream at the end was very cool, but isn't a lot like Harry's in OotP? Is that where you got the idea, or is this coincidence? Finally, you did have some grammar mistakes here and there. I noticed you often put 'though' instead of 'thought.' Always make sure you give your fic a final read through before submitting it. Overall, a great start. Keep it up!
This is a good start. You've set up the plot nicely. I do have some reservations, though. Naturally red-streaked black hair? Umm...I don't think that's really possible. I know you were trying to blend Ginny and Harry (right?), but I don't think black hair is naturally red-streaked. That was something that really jumped out at me. Also, their names. I have a hard time imagining Harry's children having those names, but to each his own. And a lightning-bolt shaped birthmark? Hmm...it's a little iffy to me, but I guess I can overlook that. But the mechanics in this are good, which is always a plus. So, good start and good luck with the rest of this!
Very interesting storyline. It's a 'rarepair', Draco and Hannah, but makes for a nice plot. I like how you change POVs throughout -- it really gives a nice idea of what each character is thinking. However, sometimes it became confusing. Perhaps not switching POVs in one chapter, but rather alternating? Also, make sure lines of dialogue are separated. When a new person is speaking, there needs to be a new line of text. Overall, I enjoyed this new pairing. I've never read it before!
This was beautiful. Well, of course it is. This is a Seren work! They're always beautiful. Anyway...I love the relationship between Luna and her mother. It makes me even sadder, knowing that her mother is dead. I also love that Luna isn't the normal Ravenclaw because she knows better than them. That faith is everything. That's a very Luna thing to me. It's how I see her. 10/10
I would agree that the Trio seem a little too light-hearted, although I did like the line about Voldemort wanting a girlfriend; that made me chuckle. I noticed some structural issues in this. A lot of your sentences seem choppy. You should try combining some of your shorter sentences to make one bigger setence. That will help the flow. I liked the idea for this, the whole are we in a real forest? thing. That was very cool. Overall, this was nice to read. Nice job!
Author's Response: Thanks! That is way great advice. I will work on that.
So far this is interesting. I think Marilynn is a good character; she seems developed. Susan's story intrigues me as well. I did notice consistant mistakes in punctuating dialogue, though. For example, you had: “I don’t know.” Michelle replies distractedly. Instead of a period inside the quotation marks, there should be a comma. Also, you don't keep the present tense throughout the whole thing. Sometims you switch back to past. Make sure you stick to one tense the whole time. Finally, you use all caps a lot. I would suggest not doing that, as it makes the fic look harsh and it's not so easy on the eyes. Oftentimes you can replace the all caps with italics. Both are used for emphasis, but the italics look better. Overall, though, great work. Keep it up!
I've been following your story since the beginning, but I only just got myself an account so I can finally review your amazing story. This fic is super-sailorific!! But I don't think I've ever hated a character as much I hate Miranda! I suppose that's the mark of a great writer! I think you've got Ron and Hermione in character very well; I've read too many fics where they are radically different from their canon selves. Anyway, great story, and update soon! 100/10 for you!!
I have only a few critiques for you. First, Hermione seemed a little out of character. Her speech seemed to be too perfect. Even thought she is intelligent, she doesn't talk like she writes. Try de-formalizing her a little bit. Second, Harry seemed a little too open about Sirius. At the end of OotP, he kept everything kind of to himself. I doubt that he would recover and be able to talk about it so readily and easily. Overall, this is very good, and you should keep up the good work. I suggest concentrating on characterization so your story becomes closer to the canon characters we already know. But everything else is great, nice work!
Lily Evans and James Potter share absolutely nothing in common, not even their feelings for each other. Lily, perceived as a ‘model student,’ detests the handsome, popular, Quidditch star James, who she thinks to be something of a git. James, on the contrary, has been infatuated with Lily for years, and has let her and the whole school know it.
As time progresses into Voldemort’s ‘reign of terror,’ the two have to learn to trust, tolerate, and love each other.
Please note, this story is incomplete, and will likely remain so for a long time. I apologize!
This is one of my absolute favorite stories! I've never reviewed before because I didn't have an account, but now I do! You have an amazing writing ability and I will be waiting on the edge of my seat for an update! Good luck with school, it can be brutal! 100/10 for you!
Fantastic job with this chapter! Even if it does make me sad that Lily's being so stubborn... but you've written this perfectly. I love it. Update soon! I can't stand the waiting! 10/10
Awesome chapter! I actually read this chapter a while ago, but I guess I forgot to review... oops. Can't wait for more! 10/10
Great. Your grammar is really good, something that always makes a fic more enjoyable for me to read. I loved Mrs. Weasley in this. And Sergeant Philips. Yeah, that was cool. And funny. One bit of concrit: remember that in dialogue, if the character is asking a question, a question mark goes at the end, not a comma. Ex: "What's your name?" she asked. That was one thing I noticed. Otherwise, great chapter.
Author's Response: Thank you. I am glad you liked it. I am surprised you liked my Mrs. Weasley, because most people did not. But, the thing about the question marks is only partly right. Either way is acceptable and I prefer the comma as it is not the end of a sentence. In cases where I did not write "he said" or "she said," I did use a question mark. Thank you again for your review.