Since I was in about second grade, I have been an obsessive reader and writer. I have spent many hours reading books late into the night because I just couldn't put them down, and the same can be said about my writing. However, I haven't been able to spend as much time reading or writing stuff for myself lately because I've had to spend more time reading and writing the stuff required in my courses for my Master's degree in English Literature. But, I'm still able to make a little time each day to relax and take a break from studying to enjoy reading something different.
Summary: Adhara Jocelyn Black has always been torn between her loyalty to James Potter, her cousin Sirius's best mate, and Lily Evans, the sister she has never known. But in her seventh year everything changes. Join Jocelyn, Sirius, Lily, and the rest of the Marauders as they battle for their lives... and loves...
This chapter builds very nicely on what was written in chapter one. Once again, you don't try to do too much in one chapter while at the same time giving enough different scenes to keep the story moving along. I think you do a very good job with Sirius and James hinting at Sirius' thing for Jocelyn. However, during that little speech, you have James say to Sirius, '“At least she talks to you! At she doesn’t despise you! At least –!”' You should probably have the word 'least' between the second 'At' and 'she.' It was probably just a typo that it is not there, but I thought I should let you know about it since I ended up re-reading that line a few times to make sure I was understanding it correctly. I think it was a brilliant touch to have parallel scenes with both the boys and girls going to bed. It's the only time we get to see them talking to each other separate of the opposite sex, which definitely gives some insight into the characters by showing the way their behavior differs in the differing situations. However, my favorite part of this chapter has to be the bit during Transfiguration class. I love the little interactions between all of the characters. The only thing is that when you wrote, 'For a moment Sirius thought he had gone to far.' the 'to' should be 'too' instead. Anyway, the story is very engaging and I'm excited to read the next chapter.
The beginning of this chapter is marvelous. I love the way you show the similarities between James and Lily by having the scenes with them mirror each other. Plus, as much as James and Lily mirror each other, Jocelyn and Sirius also mirror each in these scenes. You definitely make it clear who is supposed to be with whom. I just wonder how long it will take Lily and Sirius to figure it out as well. Very nicely done! However, my favorite part of this chapter has to be the end where Jocelyn, Sirius, and Remus are plotting how they can nudge Lily into realizing her feelings for James. I think it's great that you are getting them involved. But, being the nit-picky reader that I am, I couldn't help notice a few spots where the writing wasn't quite as smooth as it could be. They're probably just typos, but I thought I would let you know anyway. 1. ' “Remember Lils,” Jocelyn called just before the door shut, and Lily paused.' There should be a comma between 'Remember' and 'Lils.' Pluse I think it might sounds better if you broke this up into two sentences by putting a period after 'shut' and making 'Lily paused.' into it's own sentence. By making that sentence only two words, it would really show Lily's pause at the door instead of just telling that she paused. 2.'The portrait of the Fat Lady swung open, and he climbed back into the common room without another glance at Lily Evans furious face.' There should be an apostrophe after the 's' in Evans. 3.' “Whatever happens, it’ll be easy for you two,” she told explained....' I'm not sure which word you really want there, either 'told' or 'explained,' but there should only be one and not both. 4.' “I’m risking my best friend to, you know.” ' The 'to' should be 'too.' Anyway, all that aside, your story is progressing very nicely. I can't help wondering how long it will take for Lily and Sirius to wise up, and which one will do it first. Also, I think it will be interesting to see what Jocelyn, Sirius, and Remus are plotting.
I love the way you have written this chapter with so many little twists, especially the bit about James going to Hogsmeade with Jocelyn and Lily going with Sirius. I am assuming that was the little plan Remus cooked up in the opening conversation with Jocelyn, right? There was only one thing that caught my attention that can be fixed. In this sentence, ' "...Honestly Lily, James Potter has been nothing but –” ' there should be a comma between 'Honestly' and 'Lily.' Other than that little detail, I absolutely loved this chapter. You have a real knack for writing some brilliant dialogue, especially the opening conversation between Remus and Jocelyn, and it makes you story so much fun to read. It will be interesting to see how you write the excursion to Hogsmeade and James' reaction to Sirius going with Lily.
Another captivating chapter! I think I've beat my whole take on Lily seeming a little dumb with her forgetfulness about Sirius' family to death, so I won't mention it any more. Besides that part where she's defending Regulus to Sirius, I absolutely love this chapter. It's great the way you have everyone getting back to normal, well as normal as it can be for them anyway. My favorite part is during the argument in Charms where James ends up soaking wet because of the downpour he conjures above himself, that was an absolute riot! Also, the way you finally get James and Lily together is brilliant. She just sort of slips up and says something without thinking about it and James is finally quick enough to pick up on it. I think it's great the way you have him kissing her before he actually says anything, it's a great moment. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter.
Another marvelous chapter! I love the bit of Sirius' back story you add in this chapter, it really helps illuminate his personality and Jocelyn's as well. Going back to the beginning though, you came up with a very inventive way to keep James from finding out about Sirius and Lily. But, when you have Jocelyn say, ' "Hello James, hello Sirius,"..., there should be commas between 'hello' and the boys' names. Then, while James and Jocelyn were leaving and talking about Sirius catching up, I got thrown off by the phrases 'I’ll catch you up' and 'He’ll catch us up.' I would take the 'you' and the 'us' out of the phrases to make them a little clearer as I got slightly confused when reading them. So, the phrases would be 'I'll catch up' and 'He'll catch up,' but you can also add 'to you' at the end of each phrase. The only other thing that caught my eye to be fixed was at the very end when Sirius says, 'Her mum and dad we’re kind of like parents to me....' The 'we're' should be 'were,' without an apostrophe in the middle. All in all, I really enjoyed reading this chapter. It had a lot of information that help explains some of the relationships between your characters. I am still anxious to see if James will find out about the little 'date' between Lily and Sirius and how he will react if he does.
Poor Sirius and Jocelyn. They just don't seem to be able to figure out how to make it work, but at least this time it appears more amicable than the last time. The two scenes you wrote in this chapter really highlight the ways in which Sirius' increasingly bad mood has affected everyone around him, and I can't help but think that Jocelyn's letting him go might improve the whole atmosphere.
As well written as this chapter is, I did notice a few spots that seemed a little odd when I read them. During the opening scene where everyone is studying for their N.E.W.T.s, you wrote, 'for all six were now advising very hard for their N.E.W.T.s.' I'm not sure 'advising' is the right word in this sentence. I think 'studying' would work better here since that is what I picture them doing. Next, on their way to Hogsmeade, you wrote, ' “Don’t beg me for sweets because you were too busy studying to make into Honeydukes,” Sirius retorted.' I think the word 'it' is missing between 'make' and 'into' in Sirius' dialogue. Then, when Sirius and Jocelyn are walking back to Hogwarts, there were two sentences I had a hard time reading because they didn't make much sense. I was slightly confused when you wrote, 'He stared down at his shoe, which was the scuffing the ground....' I think you should take out the word 'the' between 'was' and 'scuffing' so that it becomes 'He stared down at his shoe, which was scuffing the ground....' The second sentence that I noticed during their walk back is: 'In bounced down the path and landed with a soft thud on the grass.' What I noticed with this is that 'In' should probably be 'It' instead. So, it was probably just a simple typo, but I thought I would let you know anyway.
Aside from the minor details I just noted, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter, even though it is pretty sad. You do a very good job writing the scene between Sirius and Jocelyn and infusing it with all the confused emotions the two of them are feeling. Their despondency at parting is really palpable. I am anxious to read the rest of the story in the hopes that something will go right for Sirius at some point.
Well, even though I didn't like this chapter as much as the previous five, it definitely had some good points. My favorite part was when James ended up covered in red ink, not because of why it happened but just the color of the ink. You point out how symbolic the red is when you point out that it looked similar to dried blood when James entered the Gryffindor common room. What really bothered me about this whole chapter was the reason behind James' anger. If he didn't know about Sirius and Lily's afternoon in Hogsmeade, I have a hard time picturing him getting that angry over Sirius hanging out with Lily. Also, even though you explain that Sirius wants to hang out with Lily now that they've shared some tears, I can't see him not saying anything to the Marauders. I feel like there is a chunk of story missing between the afternoon in Hogsmeade and breakfast the next morning that might explain the tension between Sirius and James and when it first appeared. As for a small detail that can be easily fixed, I think you forgot to put the word 'at' between 'up' and 'the' in the line, 'He looked up the trio and for...' in the paragraph about breakfast. Don't get me wrong, I still love this story and can't wait to read more, but I'm slightly confused by the drastic change in behavior between James and Sirius without any real explanation of how it occurred.
You do a really good job of portraying Sirius' melancholy at the beginning of this chapter in regards to the end of an era where the Marauders ruled. I'm sure part of the melancholy has to do with the fact that he knew it was probably going to end at the end of the year anyway, since they will be done at Hogwarts, but the fact that James and Lily are finally together rushed it up a little. However, I have a hard time with how easily James acquiesced to going to the Slug Club's Christmas Party. I always envisioned him having the same sort of reluctance Sirius had, or at least making sure Sirius wouldn't be mad at him for going and hanging out with all those Slytherins that were their enemies. You do a great job of switching the focus back to Sirius and Jocelyn though by giving them that little conversation where Jocelyn is able to understand Sirius' melancholy. Of course, that leads quite nicely into their usual bickering, which has been the constant in their relationship when it is going well. Maybe her father's death will push both Jocelyn and Sirius into some realizations about their lives that could lead to some interesting circumstances later on. I look forward to finding out.
Talk about a roller coaster ride. Poor Hector. As soon as he thinks he's got Jocelyn back, she realizes she truly loves Sirius. Of course, I'm sure the ride hasn't been fun for Jocelyn and Sirius either. There was only one spot in this whole chapter that I stumbled over when I read it and that was this: 'Lily frowned, and there was a pause while looked probingly at Jocelyn, and Jocelyn stared at the fire.' I think you are missing the word 'she' between 'while' and 'looked.' Other than that I thought this chapter was fantastic. My favorite part of this chapter has to be in the discussion between Lily and Jocelyn when Jocelyn finally realizes that she has to go after Sirius. Of course, I did enjoy reading the closing scene where Jocelyn bursts in on James and Remus. Part of the reason I enjoyed it so much is the way you quickly mention that Peter is also missing from the room and then skip right back to the people who are there. I have to wonder what Peter is up to at this point in the story, and all I can theorize is that it is nothing good. The little cliffhanger you close the chapter with is brilliant. I can't wait to find out where it is leading. Fortunately, since the next chapter is already up. I don't have to! ;)
Okay. This chapter is really well written. I like the way you focus more on the girls here than on the boys, especially showing that Jocelyn was beginning to get jealous about Lily and Sirius as well as James. But I am a little confused about what is going on between everyone. If Lily was okay sitting with Jocelyn, Sirius, Remus, and Peter in this chapter, why didn't Sirius, Lily, and Jocelyn just go sit with Remus, Peter, and James in the previous chapter? I think part of my confusion is coming from not knowing why Sirius has cut James off completely. Anyway, I like everything going on in this chapter, especially the way all the people around James and Sirius are starting to really feel the tension between the two. Of course, my favorite part of all was the very end where Filch catches Jocelyn and Remus in the closet. That's a fantastic twist to add to the story at this point. It will be interesting to find out what is going to happen to them and if they're able to figure out a new plot to untangle the knot created by their last one.
You really do have a way with cliffhangers as you have ended this chapter with yet another fantastic one. This chapter built really well on the last one, and I'm very, very anxious for the next. I know that you have written it so that Jocelyn has traveled to London on her own and figured out where Sirius has gone, but I still can't help but wonder what other surprises might be waiting in the next chapter. My question about Peter's whereabouts during the last chapter is still nagging at me but I won't even venture a guess at them since you are really good at writing things I would never even have thought of. Plus, I can't see James, Remus, and Lily just sitting around now Jocelyn has gone after Sirius. I'm sure Lily has joined up with the two boys by now and may perhaps be planning on a way to follow Jocelyn to find Sirius. I guess I will just have to wait and fint out. Brilliant chapter!
Okay, I'm going to try to put aside my confusion at what exactly happened to cause the huge rift between James and Sirius if James never found out about Hogsmeade. This chapter was really beautifully written. The scene with the note passing was absolutely fantastic and I couldn't stop laughing. Just one thing I have a question about; is Jocelyn angry with Peter or does he not even count when she's trying to figure out who she's not mad at because she never really talked to him anyway? I like the way you sum up the whole switching of pairs because it really does shift the way things go for everyone involved. Also, you brought up a new point about how everyone is whispering that Lily stole Sirius from Jocelyn, but wouldn't they also be whispering about Sirius stealing Lily from James? This is really the first time you bring up the fact that people thought Jocelyn and Sirius were going out. Is there a reason they thought that because you don't really show them acting like they were dating each other. Anyway, I really liked the way this chapter moved the story along. Plus, you really start to point out the urgency of the situation when you mention the full moon. It gives the whole story a nice little push and made me really anxious to see James and Sirius reconcile quickly so Remus is not left alone during his transformation.
Another well crafted chapter. Everyone is really starting to feel the urgency of getting James and Sirius to repair their friendship, especially Remus and Jocelyn. I like the way you have Sirius finally start talking to Jocelyn again because it may make it easier for her to start working on him to soften him up towards James. One thing that confused me in this chapter is the conversation between James and Jocelyn during practice. In the conversation, Jocelyn says that James won't listen to Sirius, which implies that Sirius tried to explain the situation between him and Lily. If that really happened, when did it happen? Anyway, I think it's totally great that Sirius' transfiguration ability keeps getting worse while James is having no problems at all. To me, it shows that Sirius feels guilty about what is going on. Plus, I can totally see James smirking and laughing at Sirius, even though he probably isn't really enjoying himself. His laugh is more of a laugh without mirth because the only good that is coming from the situation is that he is not the only one having problems. Anyway, I look forward to the next chapter and finding out what is going to happen.
Ah, Christmas, what a lovely time of year to enjoy your friends and family. Unfortunately for Sirius, he doesn't seem to be enjoying much of anything at the moment, which is something you do a wonderful job of describing, especially at the end of this chapter. I was a little surprised that Lily wasn't at all shocked that James would just walk into her bedroom in the morning and that she didn't say anything to him about it. Of course, I think it's really funny that Lily is so focused on one of the gifts James disregards that she completely ignores James. I really like the way you bring Jocelyn and Sirius into this chapter for dinner and end up with both of them having one-on-one conversations with James and Lily. The two couples are great contrasts in this scene, especially with the little twist you add of Hector sending Jocelyn the necklace. As much as I loved this chapter, I did notice two spots in the conversation between James and Sirius where you are missing a comma in their dialogue. 1. When James says, ' "If she’s the girl for you it shouldn’t matter!” ' there should be a comma after 'you' since it is the last word of an introductory clause. 2. When Sirius says to James, ' "What are you a Seer now..." ' you might want to consider adding a comma after 'What' so there is no confusion about what is actually being said. I had to re-read that line a few times to make sure I was reading it correctly. All in all, though, I found this chapter to be positively brilliant with the way it moves the plot while dealing with the intricacies of the personal relationships. I can't wait to see how the whole Sirius/Jocelyn/Hector situation works itself out. I know it will be well worth reading.
Having Death Eaters attack James is a brilliant way to basically force him and Sirius to work together. Sirius finally snaps out of it and realizes James is still his best mate and James finally accepts Sirius' help before they both basically shrug the whole deal off. Marvelous! Just one question. If James is already at the Three Broomsticks by himself, and Sirius and Remus bring Jocelyn with them, where is Peter? Also, something that has been nagging me the last few chapters. How were Lily and James dealing with Head Boy and Head Girl duties during the whole situation? There really isn't much mention of it, so it may be completely irrelevant, but there really isn't much mention of the way the two of them were behaving toward each other during the whole time James and Sirius weren't speaking. Okay, back to the chapter at hand. I really, really enjoyed reading this chapter and am glad that James and Sirius have finally made up so that Remus doesn't have to go through his transformation alone. However, in the end, when James says, ' "And you know that means...", ' there should probably be 'what' between 'know' and 'that.' I am looking forward to reading the next chapter and seeing how the newly repaired friendship affects the way Lily and James act around each other.
I can't help but feel sorry for both Sirius and Jocelyn after reading this chapter. They are two very stubborn people who are having a hard time dealing with the situation they are in. You do a fabulous job of showing how hard everything has become for them starting with the opening scene of this chapter and ending with Joceyln's fight with Lily. Throughout this chapter, you really paint their inner turmoil through your descriptions of their actions around everyone else, especially Jocelyn since Sirius is not in this chapter very much. There were two places where I noticed missing commas while I was reading. The first one happens just after the chess match when you switch over to focusing on Jocelyn and write, 'Before Christmas Jocelyn was always with the Marauders...' There should be a comma after 'Before.' Also, during the argument between Lily and Jocelyn, Lily says, ' “No Jocelyn, it’s not the same thing..." ' There should be a comma after 'No.' Those were the only two spots where I noticed anything that can be fixed. Other than that, I was totally captivated by what was going on in your story. I feel really bad for Jocelyn because she seems to be isolating herself from her friends because she doesn't want to have any interaction with Sirius, or so it seems. I also feel a little bad for Hector because Jocelyn is only using him to avoid facing everything else in her life, even if she won't acknowledge that is what she is doing. I hope he doesn't get too hurt when she eventually gets rid of him and decides she can face her reality. It will be fun reading to find out!
Marvelous chapter. The whole bit with Sirius making up a name for a girl is hilarious, especially when Jocelyn calls him on it right away. Also, putting the humor at the beginning of the story really made the solemn bit at the end seem more saddening than it would have otherwise. The closing scene with Lily and James is wonderful. It really shows how far they have come in such a little time and helps put their relationship into perspectiv. I'm interested to see how they deal with what's going on between Sirius and Jocelyn.
Wow. I wasn't sure I'd ever feel worse for Sirius than I did when they all returned to Hogwarts after Christmas and Jocelyn started dating Hector, but now I do. The poor guy just can't catch a break. By doing what he thinks is right, he has pushed away the one person he loves most in the world. Oh well, I guess I should have seen it coming since he was alone when James and Lily were killed. All that aside, this chapter was just full of tension the whole way through. You do a wonderful job of keeping the tension high throughout it, from Jocelyn's memory at the beginning until Sirius sees the rejection in her eyes at the end. I loved the way you used the memory at the beginning to explain how Jocelyn knew exactly where to find Sirius. It will be interesting to find out whether or not James, Remus, and Lily will be able to find them. Has Sirius told his friends about this cave? I am on the edge of my seat wondering what will happen to Sirius and Jocelyn and if their friends will find them. Of course, the next chapter could contain more questions than answers, just like this one. I look forward to reading it when it gets posted. Fantastic chapter!
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Check review challenge for the last chapter. details there!
James and Lily Potter were possibly the most famous parents in wizarding history. We know alot about their adult life, but what do we really know about their childhood? Even Harry never knew about the Drama, jealousy, danger, friendships, happiness, sadness, resentment,confusion and love that his parents went through as children. Here, their lives, from when the two of them were eleven to when they were brutally murdered at only 21, is recorded. Lily and James Potter were unsung heros. This is their story.
I think this story has a very strong beginning. The way all of the characters are introduced is very engaging. I especially like the part about Petunia getting grounded! Also, I think it's interesting the way you have James and Lily meeting for the first time. Having him help her get onto the platform is a great way to start their relationship. Keep up the good writing.
Author's Response: Wow, thanks for all of your reviews, it's great to know that I have my first ever all-chapter reviewer!! I'm really glad you like the story, thanks again!!
Once again, I like the way you introduce the new characters into the story, especially Snape and Pettigrew. The immediate antagonism between Snape and James is very interesting, but it would seem to fit. Also, I like the way you have James saving Peter from choking to start his hero worship of James. I can't wait to read more!
Author's Response: Cool, read more then lol!!