Since I was in about second grade, I have been an obsessive reader and writer. I have spent many hours reading books late into the night because I just couldn't put them down, and the same can be said about my writing. However, I haven't been able to spend as much time reading or writing stuff for myself lately because I've had to spend more time reading and writing the stuff required in my courses for my Master's degree in English Literature. But, I'm still able to make a little time each day to relax and take a break from studying to enjoy reading something different.
What a way to lighten things up after that last chapter! This chapter is fantastically well written and a great pleasure to read. The scene with Joanne and the boys is very interesting and it definitely answers some unasked questions about how all of them will deal with the situation. However, I was slightly confused as to how "James' brilliant transfiguration skills" is explained by his ability to become an animagus. I always thought it was the other way around. His brilliant transfiguration skills explained his ability to become an animagus. Or, maybe that's the way you meant it and I just misread it. I don't know, it was just weird.
Another spot that confused me was when Sirius and Alexis are at their picnic spot. I am not sure if they are they still on the grounds of Hogwarts or it they are somewhere just outside of Hogsmeade. You say they are next to the lake so I thought maybe they're on Hogwarts grounds, but I thought they were supposed to be in Hogsmeade. So, maybe part of Hogsmeade, or its outskirts, hits the edge of the lake. Also, at the very last line of this chapter, I'm not sure there should be a whole line between 'Staring directly into her cinnamon brown eyes he whispered,' and '"I’ve never met somebody so unlike those girls."' I think it should all be on the same line instead of split up that way. Although, it you're just doing it for dramatic effect you can probably leave it. It was just odd to see a comma and then a whole line between the actual dialogue. Besides those things I absolutely adored the scene between Sirius and Alexis. Having Peter sneak into the basket as a rat was a marvelous little twist to the outing. I'm anxious to find out how Sirius deals with him after they all get back to the castle. I am definitely looking forward to the next chapter!
Author's Response: that was the way i meant "james' brilliant transfiguration skills." i wanted to get the point across that without his extraodinary talent at transfiguration, he and his friends never would have been able to become animagi. it was also another stupid comment for peter to say. i pictured the place alexis and sirius went to similar to the place harry and lupin were in the third movie when lupin agrees to teach him about the patronus. i guess it isn't it hogsmeade but on the hogwarts grounds. i loved how in the 3rd movie many of the scenes were in the forest next to the lake. it was so beautiful, even though it was computer animated. i don't think i meant to put a space between the last to lines. it might have been for dramatics but i wrote this chapter so long ago i don't remember. thanks for your review! i love your suggestion! Miss Radcliffe
Fantastic chapter! The whole idea of the group enjoying a game of truth or dare, especially while drunk, is hilarious. Of course, the results of that game are more hysterical than I could have imagined: Peter streaking through the common room, Sirius trying to lie about the number of girls he's gone out with before, Remus making out with Joanne, and Lily confessing, albeit drunkenly, that she really does like James. Absolutely brilliant!
Not only was this chapter unbelievably funny, but I barely noticed anything to nit-pick about. However, there were two spots where your punctuation seems a little weird. The first spot is here: ' "I'm sorry mate, but you should be used to rejection by now. Better luck next time. Maybe." He added as an afterthought.' I think there should be a comma after 'sorry' before 'mate' since Sirius is using 'mate' to address James. Also, I think the period after the bolded 'maybe' should be a comma instead, and the 'H' in 'He' should be 'h.' The only other thing I noticed was a missing comma in this sentence: ' "Oh come on James!" ' Since Lily is directly addressing James, there should be a comma after 'on.'
All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter. The writing throughout this chapter, with the exception of the minor punctuation glitches already mentioned, was practically flawless and flowed very well. I couldn't help but laugh at how you ended this chapter with Lily passing out. That was pure genius. It will be interesting to see how everyone handles that in the next chapter. I can't help but wonder if Lily will be slightly angry at James and his friends for spiking the punch and letting her get drunk. It should be fun to read about the repercussions of their little prank; I look forward to it.
What a great way to follow up on the effects of everyone's little game of truth or dare. I like the way you sneak in a little bit of humor, even though none of the characters are really finding the consequences of their game funny. Having all of the girls stone-wall the boys is marvelous; it reflects reality very well. Of course, I do feel a little sorry for the boys. Not as sorry as I was prepared for, though, because the confrontation scene I was hoping to see between the girls and the guys never came. After the comment Alexis made about suspecting she knew who spiked the punch, I was sure they would confront the boys about it and then give them the silent treatment. I am still expecting that confrontation even though the girls are already giving the boys the silent treatment.
There was only one spot that I found really confusing in this chapter and it was while I was reading the scene in the Great Hall. It was here: ' “But we’ll never make up if she ignores every-single-thing-I say!,” Sirius stabbed his into his hash browns so ferociously that they flew into the air and landed on Peter’s head.' The first thing is that there shouldn't be a comma after the exclamation point at the end of Sirius' dialogue. Also, the reason I bolded the two words I did is because I think you are missing a word between them. What exactly is Sirius stabbing into hashbrowns?
Aside from that one fairly confusing spot, the writing in this chapter is the best I have seen so far. You did a good job holding my interest through the whole chapter, even though I didn't get my confrontation scene. Although, after the really touching scene between Sirius and Alexis, I'm not sure a confrontation between them about the spiked punch would really fit. I do wonder a little bit about where Sirius' admission of love will take that relationship. I am definitely waiting to see Alexis' reaction to it in a future chapter, and maybe find out if there was more to her tears than Sirius' dating eight girls before her. Also, there is definitely room for a confrontation between Lily and James about the spiked punch. I almost feel that they can't really make up until she confronts him about it and admits she likes him while she's sober. Maybe that won't happen until the dance, which would be a great place for it since she's already agreed to go with him. Let's not forget Remus, poor guy. He didn't really do anything and Joanne is acting like she is angry with him. I have a feeling, though, that she is more angry with herself for becoming such an active participant in their kiss and is just projecting that anger onto Remus. It will definitely be interesting to watch the tension you established in this chapter grow between all of them and see how their game of truth or dare is going to affect the dance. Great chapter.
You have, once again, written a well crafted chapter. I love the way Sirius confronts Peter about his sneaking into the picnic basket. I have to wonder if Peter was telling the truth about Joanne putting him up to it or if that was just something he said to try to get off the hook with Sirius. My one question for this section is where was Remus? We know James enters the Common Room right after Peter runs out of it, but where is Remus? It doesn't seem like he could have been with any of the girls because they were all with Alexis discussing her date, which was a totally hilarious scene and great way to close the chapter. As for the middle part of the chapter, I love the way you have Peter so easily convinced to basically switch sides. You really portray his rat-like qualities very well when you have him deciding to side with whomever he thinks will be "friends" with him at that point. Now, some things I noticed. At the beginning of the chapter, there are three instances in your dialogue where you leave off a comma right before the given name of the person being addressed, and they are: 1. ' “Sit down Sirius...." ' There should be a comma between 'down' and 'Sirius.' 2. ' “Whoa there Padfoot...." ' There should be a comma between 'there' and 'Padfoot.' 3. ' "See you there Peter...." ' There should be a comma between 'there' and 'Peter.' The only other thing was during the scene in the girls' dormitory in the sentence ' " I’ve noticed that you to have...." ' where the 'to' should be 'two.' Other than those minor details, and my questions about Remus, I think this chapter is lovely. I really like the fact that you are forming an explanation of how Peter became the true 'rat' that he portrays in his animagus form. I'm looking forward to reading your next chapter and finding out what's going to happen next.
Author's Response: wow, i love reading ur reviews! sorry 'bout the comma issue. i'll remember that in the future. in this chapter one of the major sub-plots in my story begins 2 take shape. from this chapter on, the chapters will contain more than just fun and fluff. so happy you enjoyed it! the next chapter will be up soon! Miss Radcliffe
I think it's great that you dedicated a whole chapter to one Quidditch match. Personally, I don't feel like there has been enough Quidditch in some of the other fics I have read. Having Alexis make a bet with that Slytherin in the beginning was pretty amusing, and the way you returned to that bet at the end of the chapter was really great. My favorite part of the chapter, though, was when James put Lily on his broom and flew her around the quidditch pitch ending in her agreement to go to the Ball with him. The following scene with the three girls was also really funny. I love the way Joanne points out to them how she was expecting while the other two remained oblivious.
However, you need to be careful when you have one character directly address another in dialogue because you sometimes forget to add the necessary comma. I noticed that missing comma five times in this chapter. I know you don't forget every time but I figured I would mention it. Other than that, the only other thing I noticed was a missing comma in this line: 'She saw the way his eyes were desperately pleading with her to give him a chance and she smiled at the way his hair was windblown from the game.' There should be a comma after 'chance' before 'and.'
Aside from my nit-picking, I had a lot of fun reading this chapter. The writing flowed really well, and you did a great job with your descriptions. I like the way you mimicked JKR's way of writing the commentary of the Quidditch match instead of just what is going on. Nice touch. It's too bad that I have to wait until the new year to find out what is going to happen next, but I will just have to manage. Happy Holidays!
Well, that was quite a chapter. I like the exchange between Lily and James in the beginning because it really shows the way their relationship is slowly developing. You put in just the right touch of impatience with James when he finally showed up. But, Lily did start to warm up to him after a short period, which is sort of analogous to their whole relationship. It was a very nice touch when you shifted from James and Lily to Sirius and Alexis. Giving the secondary characters some time in the limelight will help make your story more engaging. Very nice! Keep it up!
This was a great chapter. I love the way you start with humor, move on to seriousness, add some disappointment, and move to action. My favorite part of the chapter has to be when Sirius and Alexis disappear in the smoke cloud caused by their Pepper Imps only to be revealed snogging when the cloud clears up. I also really liked the way you worked in the newspaper article because you use it to inform the readers, as much as the characters, what is going on outside the walls of Hogwarts. And, it's always good to throw in a Quidditch scene, even if it is only practice.
Now, here are some things I noticed while I was reading that you might want to look at chaning. The first is during the scene in the Great Hall when you write, 'The Marauders plus Joanne, shared a look of panic....' I think you should either add a comma after 'Marauders' before 'plus' or just take out the comma after 'Joanne.' The best way might be to add the additional comma, but either will work. Right now, the sentence is a little weird to read with only the one comma because it doesn't make sense to pause only there while reading through the sentence. The second one is in the Daily Prophet article with the sentence ending, '...that burned anyone who touches it.' Either 'burned' needs to be 'burns' or 'touches' needs to be 'touched,' but both of your verbs should be in the same tense. The last one is actually two that happen in the same bit of dialogue where you wrote, ' "Come on Moony," replied James as he took a bite out of his toast. "I'm sure the Minister gets threats like this everyday. Right Peter?" ' You need to a comma after 'on' and before 'Moony' as well as after 'Right' and before 'Peter' since both Moony and Peter are being directly addressed by James.
Finally, I really, really enjoyed reading this chapter. This chapter gives a good feel for how your story is taking shape. You do a good job of balancing out the seriousness of where you are heading by adding little bits of humor, like the scene with Alexis and Sirius at the beginning and the scene where Joanne and Lily tease Alexis toward the end of the chapter. I am anxious to see what is going to happen in the next chapter and how everyone deals with it.
Although this is a fairly short, tranquil chapter, I think it is definitely necessary for the story. There has been so much action leading up to this chapter that I was afraid the poor Marauders and everyone would never get a break. Besides, I think it is very important that you showed the consequences of Sirius' outburst, both in regards to punishment and Jocelyn's break-up with Hector. I still feel sorry for Hector because we all knew this was going to happen, you even write it so that he was pretty sure it was going to happen. Alright, now that the moment of tranquility is over, I am anxious to see what is going to happen next. So far, your story has never failed in going from very calm to very stormy and I can't wait to find out what the next 'storm' is going to be.
Author's Response: Thank you, I have thoroughly enjoyed all of your wonderful reviews (I am still going back and editing the trouble spots you pointed out to me)....
This chapter was very necessary, but I am glad it was over, it was torturous to write!
I can guarantee you it will be quite stormy!
This was a very interesting chapter. I like the way you have it split up between the two different locations. The scene between James, Remus, and Lily was really great at showing the strain Sirius's actions have put on all of his friends. You really portray their emotions well, especially James losing control of his emotions the more Lily pushed him about following Sirius. However, the best thing in this scene for me was the subtle mention of Peter and how he had left Hogwarts right after exams. You slip that fact in so subtly that I might have missed it if I weren't looking for something about Peter that would point to the fact that he is with Bellatrix and the other Death Eaters. That little bit of subtlety was my absolute favorite part of this chapter. Of course, I did like the final scene between Sirius and Jocely and am looking forward to finding out what is behind the door. Nicely written.
Opening the chapter with Lily reading out of the Daily Prophet was brilliant! It really reminded me of certain parts of the books where JK puts in the little snippets from the Daily Prophet. Plus, having it there really set up the scene that followed as it re-inforced Bellatrix's knowledge of what heppened in Hogsmeade. I mean, I'm sure she would have known either way, but because the Daily Prophet published the story, she didn't draw as much attention sending the letter to Sirius as she would have if the article had not been published. However, I was slightly troubled with the way Lily appears so clueless about what is going on when Sirius receives the letter. It didn't seem realistic to me that Lily would've forgotten all about the animosity between Bellatrix and Sirius after he had told her all about his family history while they were in Hogsmeade. Having Lily be totally oblivious to the implications of Bellatrix's letter makes her seem more like an airhead than she truly is, especially since we've all been told how bright she is. Anyway, I really like the scene where James and Sirius are walking around and you write a lot of Sirius' thoughts. Allowing us to see what he is thinking really opens up his character to us, which is great. The ending was pretty good. I enjoyed seeing how being friends with James again really effected Sirius and his ability to perform magic. Fantastic!
You do a really good job using this chapter as a way to transition into the dark/angsty chapters you say are coming. The beginning was nice and really made me laugh. I was a little confused by exactly why Sirius needed to go to the hospital wing for simply choking on juice. I've never heard of anyone needing medical attention for that as liquid can't really get stuck in someone's throat. I understand he would be coughing a lot before he'd be able to breathe normally again, but to stop breahing completely (which is what I thought you were implying) seems a little unrealistic. Anyway, I really love the scene in the Defense Against the Dark Arts class where James, Sirius, Jocelyn, and Lily all end up with detention for arguing with Professor Venenum. It's about time Lily showed some solidarity with the others and loosened up enough to stand up for them against an unfair teacher; doing that is something I always thought she would do. However, I have a hard time picturing Lily being queasy around dead things since she is so good in potions. Oh well, maybe she's good making the potions that don't contain dead things. My favorite part of this whole chapter is the confrontation that Sirius and Jocelyn have with Narcissa. The way you write Narcissa is exactly the way I had pictured her, bored and unaffected by her cousins. I am anxious to read the next couple of chapters and find out what happens to everyone.
Ah, the Blacks at war with themselves. I can't help but wonder what the rest of the family is thinking about Vega's murder by Death Eaters. Will they all immediately think Bella was the one who orchestrated it? Probably, or at least I think they will. Okay, enough of my own musings and to the chapter at hand. You do a wonderful job of portraying both Jocelyn and Sirius through their argument with each other over what he's planning to do. It is so fitting that she run after him and try to stop him, especially since they are both outcasts within their family. The one thing that kept nagging at me was why didn't James follow Sirius as well? With their newly repaired friendship, I would think that James would want to go after Sirius, either to convince him to wait or to just go with him to help. Either way, I can't help thinking that James would have wanted to do something and would not have remained sitting in the Great Hall when Sirius stormed out. Other than that, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter and can't wait to find out what Sirius does in the next.
Another really good chapter, even though it started out a little slow. I'm slightly confused again as to why Lily doesn't seem to comprehend the antagonism in Sirius' family. After their chat in Hogsmead I would have thought it was obvious unless she really wasn't paying much attention to what he said. Another thing, I thought Lily would know a lot about James after that since Sirius started telling her about himself so he could tell her all about James. So, did he or did he not tell Lily about James during their first conversation in Hogsmeade? Also, I noticed a typo at the beginning of the chapter after James just made a comment and you wrote, 'he insisted as the headed up the Charms corridor.' The 'the' between 'as' and 'headed' should be 'they' instead. Other than that littly typo and Lily's apparent lack of understanding, I think this chapter is really good. It definitely shows the beginning of a foundation for the relationship between James and Lily, which is important. I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter.
Wow, I really like this chapter, even though it definitely ends on a depressing note. Going from a funeral to a hospital to watch someone else die is probably the worst scenario I can imagine anyone being in, especially when it's their parents. Having Sirius run away after seeing the kitchen was a very nice touch. While I was reading that part though, I couldn't help but think that he might've run to his parents' house because he was so angry by what had happened and he could probably take some of it out on his family. Therefore, I was slightly disappointed when he ended up just running until he was lost, even though I can understand him doing that as well. I can't help but wonder what Sirius will do now and I am anxious to keep reading to find out.
This is a really good chapter. I like the way you begin with the scene at St. Mungo's and then return the students to Hogwarts. You do a really good job describing the type of somber feel that follows attending a funeral and then spending some time at a hospital, but I'm glad to see that the students are striving for some kind of normalcy. However, you are missing the word 'the' between 'to' and 'kitchens' in the sentence about James, Sirius, and Jocelyn going to the kitchens for food. I like the way you work Narcissa back into the story as a somewhat threatening presence and then show how she can be subdued with threats as well. The ending is really great because it finally shows Sirius thinking clearly about what needs to be done. I'm interested to find out what Dumbledore will have to say to him.
Ah, a Hector free chapter, even if he is mentioned. I really liked this chapter because of the way you really focused on the interactions between your main characters. The little conversation between Remus and James at the beginning highlights the fact that they, Peter, and Lily are all caught between the argument going on between Sirius and Jocelyn. I think it's time the four of them just haul off and lock Sirius and Jocelyn in a broom closet together until they work out their differences and stop fighting. Oh well, maybe something will happen that will make Sirius and Jocelyn make up with each other in the same way Sirius and James made up. I did notice a missing comma close to the beginning in the line : "Pass me that rune dictionary, would you Remus?” There should be comma after 'you' since Lily is addressing Remus. But other than that everything was fantastic. My absolute favorite part of this chapter, though, is Jocelyn's parting comments about not forgetting Sirius. You are building the tension between these two beautifully. I can't wait to see what happens when the tension becomes too much for everyone. Marvelous!
The whole beginning of this chapter, with James and Sirius trying to get into Dumbledore's Office, is absolutely hilarious. I love the way Sirius tries to open the door using 'alohomora.' You do a really good job of showing the frustration he feels at Dumbledore being gone. Jocelyn's behavior continues to be odd, but I'm sure we'll eventually find out why. It is interesting that you throw Hector in at this point in the story and I can't help but wonder what part, if any, he'll have in the rest of the story. The ending is marvelous. I love the way Lily is anticipating James asking her out and how she gets angry when he doesn't. Looking forward to the next chapter.
You have written yet another great chapter that moves your story right along while containing a story itself. I love the way Dumbledore actually points out to Sirius that the Dark Lord has singled him out as the one who wants to replace him. Sirius seems to be a little too focused on his anger to be processing things as quickly as he usually does. You really highlight that fact when you have Jocelyn point out to him that Bella was probably the person who gave Voldemort the idea that Sirius wants to replace him. My only issue with this chapter was the way you have the howl break up the conversation between Jocelyn and the Marauders. When I started reading that scene and you stated that Jocelyn was with the Marauders, I assumed you meant all of them. So, I was confused when the howl broke up their conversation and Sirius and James suddenly remembered it was the full moon. Wouldn't they have noticed that Remus was absent from the conversation and be a little curious about it? Anyway, I think it was an altogether fascinating chapter and am anxious to read more.
Wow. This chapter was wonderful to read. However, there is one question that is nagging me about it: What does Hector do when Jocelyn gets up and goes across the room to Sirius? Her appearance is a little sudden since she was across the classroom from Sirius but is suddenly just standing right in front of him holding onto his face. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved that part of the story, but I couldn't help but wonder if Hector tried to keep her from going, or if he even noticed she had left until he saw her holding on to Sirius. It might have been nice to have a little break from the yelling between Sirius and Remus to give a tiny little peak at Jocelyn getting up because of the intensity of the yelling, which had already become the focus of the class anyway. Other than that, though, you have written a brilliant little scene. I love the way Sirius starts yelling at Remus but by the time Jocelyn intervenes can't remember who he's yelling at. You do a lovely job of describing his inner turmoil and how it just doesn't matter who he's yelling at as long as he's able to yell and get everything out. As for the ending, it is absolutely genius to have Jocelyn run out of the room with Sirius following on her heels. I hope the next chapter will let us all know what happens after they leave the room and Sirius catches up to her.
I actually think this is a very good beginning. You do a really good job of giving the background on Jocelyn and how she fits in with the Marauders and Lily. The whole chapter flows very nicely and I like the way you don't try to do too much in just this first chapter. There was only one spot I had a hard time reading which was 'Just like she going to find herself in now.' I'm not exactly sure what this sentence is supposed to be saying. I think you just forgot to put the work 'was' between 'she' and 'going,' but I'm not completely sure. Anyway, the storyline itself works really well. I'm off to read the next chapter.