Since I was in about second grade, I have been an obsessive reader and writer. I have spent many hours reading books late into the night because I just couldn't put them down, and the same can be said about my writing. However, I haven't been able to spend as much time reading or writing stuff for myself lately because I've had to spend more time reading and writing the stuff required in my courses for my Master's degree in English Literature. But, I'm still able to make a little time each day to relax and take a break from studying to enjoy reading something different.
Well, your portrayal of Percy is very similar to the way I have felt about him since the beginning of the fifth book. He let his ambitions get the better of him, and this chapter really shows that. Once he placed his position in the Ministry above his family, he was going the way of so many of the Slytherins who turned bad. I love the confrontation between Harry and Percy during that last dinner at the Burrow. I've been waiting for something like that since Percy sided with Fudge, and against Harry, when Voldemort returned at the end of the fourth book. It was quite an ingenious touch, in my humble opinion, for you to make Moaning Myrtle the spy for the Death Eaters, especially since it is highly unlikely that anybody would have suspected the spy to be the ghost killed by Voldemort's basilisk. The way you play up her connection to Draco being the main reason for her turning spy is also a very nice touch. That is not the only twist you throw in in this chapter, though. I was enthralled by your explanation of the descendants of Gryffindor and the charm he uses so that his descendants cannot dishonor the Gryffindor name by supporting the Dark Arts. The one thing I was a little fuzzy on was what exactly happened to Percy after his siblings decided on the Memory Charm. Was he still at the Burrow? I don't remember him being mentioned after that so I wasn't sure if he was still there or had gone home to Penelope with a modified memory. I love the way Harry gives orders to everyone in the end, including the newly arrived Minister, who has to bend to Harry's will in order to stay Minister. Marvelous! Well, you definitely have me on the edge of my seat in anticipation of finding out what is going to happen when morning comes.
Author's Response: Not to worry, Percy will appear again. It was a deliberate ploy.
There is definitely a lot going on in this chapter, which is great. You do a very nice job of keeping your story moving at an amazing pace. I love the way you keep everyone busy without making the day seem too hectic. I also like the way you begin this chapter, similar to the way you began the last chapter, with Harry and Ginny waking up.
Now, I'm not sure if you want me to keep pointing out the typos I see, but I will keep doing it unless you tell me stop. So, here are a few typos, in the order I found them in the chapter:
1. 'Harry paid for his and GInny's license.' It should be 'i' and not 'I' in 'Ginny's' and 'license' should probably have an 's' at the end since there is probably one license for Harry and one license for Ginny for a total of two licenses.
2. ' “Hermione and I don’t think anyone has proposed yet, but if may not be too long now,” Ginny informed Harry.' The word 'if' should probably be 'it' instead.
3. ' “Okay Harry. I love you, too. I’m going to have to watch myself with spending Galleons that are not actually in my hands,” Ginny replied very seriously.' There should be a comma after 'Okay' since Ginny is addressing Harry directly.
4. ' “Harry, I’m with Ron. The person trying to get in isn’t very good at Legilimens,” Hermione reported almost immediately.' I think the word 'Legilimens' should be 'Legilimency' because 'Legilimency' is what is done while a person who can do it is a 'Legilimens.'
5. ' “Professor Lupin, Aberforth taught us to recognize) an attack...." ' I doubt you really meant to have ) after 'recognize.'
6. ' “Professor Lupin, could you get everything ready to go to my Aunt’s house? I know it is earlier than we planned, but I would like to get it over with,” Harry said unemotionally. “ ' I doubt you meant to have the last " since it is the end of a paragraph.
Besides those little typos, I came across one spot where I was slightly confused while I was reading it. In this paragraph: 'It took about twenty minutes to get hold of Moody. Moody briefed the group, “He was to go first. Remus was then to wait one minute and then he was to go. Remus will immediately return to let you know if it is safe. If Remus does not appear after one minute everyone is to go back to the Weasley’s shop and wait for reinforcements,” said as he looked particularly hard at Tonks.' What confused me were the first two lines of Moody's dialogue. Those lines don't seem to be addressing anyone, and if the 'He' of the first line of dialogue is Moody referring to himself, wouldn't he say 'I' instead? I think you might be able to take those first two lines of dialogue out of the quotation marks and make them prose leading up to the dialogue which would then begin with ' "Remus will immediately return..." .' That is just a suggestion to clear up any confusion. But, if I'm the only one confused, then I guess it's just my problem. (The last is supposed to be a bit of self-deprecating humour. I thought it was funny.)
Okay, that's all of my little bit of nitpicking. All in all, I really enjoyed reading this chapter and was very happy to see that it had been added. You keep adding little twists and turns in your story that are keeping me on the edge of my seat to see where it is going next. I adored your scenes in Diagon Alley, especially the part involving Operation Snitch which was my favorite of all. Your whole story is flowing so nicely that I am anxious for the next chapter. Oh, and on a side note, let me know if you want me to stop being nitpicky about the typos and things when I review your story. I will gladly place my reviews in any format you prefer as I don't want you to think I'm flaming you.
You have produced yet another well written and interesting chapter. From the beginning to the end, you do a very good job of showing how everyone is adjusting. I like the way the chapter focuses on the way the newlyweds jump right into what they have to do next, such as move to 12 Grimmauld Place.
I was highly amused by the opening sequence at the Burrow where Mrs. Weasley and Mrs. Granger both try to give their daughters a potion that will help with the aftereffects. I can't help but wonder if Ginny used her mental communication with Hermione to warn her about what their mothers were up to in the kitchen. It is possible that each of them came up with almost the identical answer on their own, but it does seem more likely that they spoke to each other mentally. The one thing that bothered in this scene was this sentence: 'Hermione open their door just as Ginny closed theirs...' You should change 'open' to 'opened' so your verbs remain in the same tense. Also, it is a little odd to write 'their door' when you are talking about Hermione opening it since Ginny is the only other one mentioned because it makes it sound like the two girls are sharing a room and opening and closing the same door. Instead, you may want to either change 'their' to 'her' or say that Hermione opened the door to the room she now shared with Ron. The same goes for the use of 'their' when referring to Ginny closing the door to the room she shares with Harry.
My favorite part of this chapter was when Harry and Ginny ask Lupin to be their secret keeper, it was a brilliant idea. You do a very good job in writing Lupin’s refusal and the justifications he gives for it. However, I was slightly bothered by how easily the portrait of Mrs. Black agreed to Harry’s deal about moving the portrait and the other Black family heirlooms into one room and restoring the names blasted off of the family tapestry. In my opinion, I think Mrs. Black would have preferred her house be pulled down than to have it inhabited by blood-traitors and mudbloods. I would like to have seen a little bit more of the discussion between Harry and Mrs. Black so that it might have been a bit more believable that she acquiesce to his demands.
All in all, I enjoyed this chapter and look forward to reading the next one, especially since Kreacher will not be around to ruin anyone’s plans. I am anxious to find out how Harry’s meeting with his Aunt Petunia goes as well as finding out what you are going to do with the information you gave about the new abilities each person in the foursome has started noticing.
Wow, this chapter is simply stunning. I love the way you take care of the brewing argument about who's going to pay for the weddings by having the goblins send Harry that note. The whole part with Dobby and Winky is interesting. I have a hard time accepting that Mrs. Weasley not letting Dobby do anything since she is always saying how nice it would be to have a house elf. It fits that she won't let Winky do anything since Winky is pregnant, but I think she might have let Dobby help out, at least with doing stuff that would aid in taking care of the pregnant Winky. Also, at the end of Harry's conversation with Dobby, you have Harry tell Dobby to "'...go play with Nancy and Dobby.'" You probably meant to put "Nancy and Winky" since Harry is speaking directly to Dobby. The conversation between the four teenagers afterward is enlightening. Hermione's theory about the horcruxes definitely has some merit if you think about if, which you obviously did. Great way to end the chapter. I look forward to reading the next one as soon as it gets posted.
Author's Response: My impression of Molly is that she is like my grandmother, guests are treated special, waited on and such. But someone living in the house is expected to do their share of the house work. To me Molly is allowing the Elfs to live there as guest until they can get to Harry's and Ginny's house. Thanks for the comments.
Well, this was definitely a chapter full of revelations. I would never have guessed some of the things you have written into your story, but all of the little twists are brilliant. Having Dumbledore come back with the ability to travel into Phineas Nigellus' portrait was fantastic, not to mention the part about Harry reading Regulus' name on the Black family tapestry, which was absolutely marvelous.
However, there were a few spots throughout the chapter that were slightly confusing and can probably be cleared up with slight adjustments. The first spot is in this sentence: 'He told Dumbledore about the locket had been a fake.' I think the word 'how' should be between 'about' and 'the.' The next spot is in sentence ending: 'the matter of who R.A.B. must be discussed." ' I think you should add the word 'is' between 'R.A.B.' and 'must.' Another confusing spot is in this sentence: 'Mr. Weasley’s had to return to the Burrow twice to retrieve forgotten possessions.' It should be 'Mr. Weasley' and not 'Mr. Weasley's.' In the sentence, ' They decided to go to Diagon Alley the next day to pick their belongings,' I think you are missing the word 'up' between 'pick' and 'their.' The last spot I had a hard time reading was when Mrs. Weasley said to Ginny, ' “We are not talking about this now, your finishing school...." ' I think the word 'your' should be 'you're' instead.
Besides those few spots that you might look at fixing, I really enjoyed reading this chapter. The way you end your chapter with Harry realizing that R.A.B. might be Regulus Black is totally great. I am anxious to find out how long it takes Harry to get ahold of Dumbledore to tell them about his suspicions. However, I have learned that I cannot anticipate the twists you will have in your story, which only makes it more exciting to read.
I really liked this chapter. It definitely brought up some good points, especially those mentioned by Hermione. Having Percy at the wedding was an interesting choice because I'm not sure Bill would want him there. However, Mrs. Weasley might have convinced Bill to invite Percy, which he might have done to appease her. So, overall I think Percy's appearance fits since nobody else really acknowledged him. You are definitely getting really good at establishing the fact that there is romance in the air aside from the wedding itself. Great touch adding Lupin and Tonks getting engaged! I can't wait to see what happens with Harry and Ginny in the next chapter! Keep writing!
I liked this chapter. Maybe not as much as the others, but it definitely moves the story right along. What I really like in this chapter is how you slipped in that bit about Lupin giving the stuff from 12 Grimmauld Place to someone on the 9th floor of the Ministry, the same floor where someone was killed. Will we hear from Lupin that they are, in fact, the same person? I guess I will have to wait until later to find out. Also, I can't wait to see what happens with Harry knocking on Ginny's door, what a cliffhanger! Great way to end the chapter. I am anxiously awaiting the next one!
Never a dull moment in your story, is there? I liked the way you put in the destruction of Eeylops' because it fits right along with what happened to Fortescue's and Ollivander's. Of course, it was a brilliant idea to have Snape be the Death Eater to do it. Fantastic.
There were a few spots where I noticed some things that can probably be fixed. The first one is right as everyone is showing up at Eeylops' you wrote, 'Right on cue, Ron, Hermione, Fred and George...' There should be a comma after 'Fred' since you are making a list. Then, when Tonks shows up at Grimmauld Place you wrote, ' “Are you planning on staying, Tonks?” He asked' I think the 'H' in 'He' should probably be lower case instead of capitalized. The last one was when Ginny was asking her mom if she could keep the owl and she said, ' "I need and owl anyway.” ' The 'and' should be 'an' instead.
Looking past those minor details, I completely enjoyed reading this chapter. All of the little twists you add in are fantastic. I wonder what will be decided in the meeting Harry attends at the end of the chapter.
I really like the way you have started this story. It's good to see Harry at the Dursley's and anxious to get away. I love the way you ended it with Harry leaving just as Uncle Vernon is getting to his room so Harry can hear his uncle's "cry of fury" as he disapparates. Now I have to find out what happens in Chapter Two.
I really like the way you delve right in to the relationships this story is centered around. It's cute the way Ron tried to deny his relationship with Hermione as he is helping Harry with his stuff. I also like how you put in the little bit of Quidditch. However, I was slightly confused by the paragraph just after the Quidditch when you wrote about Harry hanging back with Ginny while the others were helping set up for the wedding. It seemed really sudden. Anyway, I hope Chapter 3 posts soon as I really want to see where you are taking the story. Good Job!
Wow, I really liked this chapter. You do a really good job of balancing the danger looming over everyone, the romance, and the humor. It is interesting that you start the chapter with Mr. and Mrs. Weasley in the kitchen asking Hermione about Ginny. Picturing the two of them questioning Hermione made me laugh. Of course, the part that really made me laugh was when Ron walked into Ginny's room to find her snogging Harry. The whole scene in her bedroom is brilliant, especially the way Harry and Ginny turn the tables on Ron to stop him before he really got going about catching them.
However, I did find the second part of this sentence slightly confusing: "Taking advantage of being allowed to perform magic outside of school, Harry levitated Ginny and his trunks and Hedwig’s cage.” The way it is written it makes it sound like Harry is levitating Ginny along with his trunks. You may want to either add and apostrophe and s after Ginny so it's "Ginny's" instead of "Ginny" or just change it to a series so it would be "...Harry levitated Ginny's trunk, his trunk, and Hedwig's cage."
Besides that one little suggestion about the sentence toward the end of the chapter, I found the whole thing to be very well written and entertaining. I'm looking forward to the next chapter and finding out what greets everyone at 12 Grimmauld Place.
Well, having just stumbled upon your story, I have to say that I am quite enjoying your version of Hermione and Draco's last year at Hogwarts. It has been interesting to watch the way you are bringing Hermione and Draco together while keeping them in character. You have managed to do that throughout the story, which can be fairly difficult with a relationship between Hermione and Draco. I really enjoyed this chapter, in particular, because of the very end. Your inclusion of his thoughts is absolutely hilarious. I kept trying to picture what expression he would have while he debated with himself whether or not to ask Hermione to hang out with him. Seeing a character's thoughts is always nice because it really gives the readers an insight into that character, which is especially nice with Draco since he is such a complex character. The other part of this chapter that I really enjoyed was the spat between Ron and Hermione about his assumption that she was going to the Burrow - that is a completely spot on portrayal of the two of them. Your ability to keep the characters in character has made this story a pleasure to read. Keep it up!
Author's Response: Wow, Karin, this review really made me feel SO good inside. I'm so happy that I am keeping everyone in character. Ron and Hermione are fun to write together, even though Ron can be a bit tough. And thank you greatly for liking my Draco. A few people think he's OOC -- I think that I'm just straying from the typical fanon Draco. He pretty much writes himself, and it's actually kind of fun to show him as a vulnerable person. *pets him*
Anyway, thanks again, sooooo much. This meant a lot to me =)
This has been a very interesting story to read so far. I am really enjoying the back story you have developed for Severus which explains the way he is at the present and why he is doing what he is doing. You have come up with some very original ideas about what his motivations were and what has happened to him in the past. The part of the story that focuses on his childhood and time at Hogwarts had a very powerful message about the way people should treat others. I found it very interesting that the few times in his life that other people have tried to be friendly toward him he has pushed them away. Of course, the part that has intrigued me the most is the part that lends its name to the title of the story. You have done a really good job of incorporating the mythological legend into your story and weaving the characters actions around it.
However, as much as I am enjoying the story, I almost feel like it is spending too much time in the past. I mean, it almost feels like the story doesn't really need the bits about Snape and Draco being on the run but should be a story on its own that just leads up to Snape's present circumstances. But, since you have formatted your whole story so that there is a little bit of the present that leads into Snape's reminisces, all I can really say, is that I hope to see more about what is going on with Draco and Snape in the present. That may be coming up soon as it feels to me that the backstory seems to be coming to an end now that Snape has found the Aspergillum of Athena that will allow him to reverse the effects of the curse Voldemort placed on him. I was also a little thrown by the idea of Talair being half-genie - what an original choice. She adds quite a bit to the story with all of the tension between her and Snape.
Overall, I'm completely fascinated by your story and am enjoying your development of Severus. He has really come alive through your words and the life you have created for him. There is one thing I do want to caution you about, though, and that is your punctuation. You seem to really like using commas in your sentences, but you have a tendency to add them where they don't seem to belong. For instance, there should not be a comma in the sentence: She had fainted, but was still breathing. The comma here just breaks the sentence up and makes it choppy. There were a few other places throughout this chapter, as well as the previous ones, that also had that same problem. Aside from that, though, I am enjoying your story and looking forward to reading your future chapters to find out exactly what happened to Snape after he retrieved the Aspergillum as well as what is happening to him in the present.
I absolutely love the way you subtly work the magnetic attraction into the end of your story after Hermione has glimpsed traces of the old Malfoy. The connection between them is completely electric and you portray that quite nicely. You make the possibility of a relationship between them plausible with the way you describe their reactions to a simple touch, especially Hermione's reaction. The only thing I noticed that detracted slightly from the ease with which I read your story were a few spelling errors which are probably just simple typos. The places I noticed them were: 1. '...in front on him...' The 'on' should probably be 'of' here since you are talking about the way Draco is holding his hands out. 2. 'She pursed her lips and started at him...' The word 'started' is probably supposed to be 'stared' since I think you were writing about the way Hermione was looking at Draco and not moving toward him. 3. 'He looked at bit taken aback...' The 'at' should probably just be 'a.' Lastly, I think you are missing a comma in this sentence: 'Then it came to Hermione what they should do, but would he agree?' I think it would sound better if there were a comma between 'Hermione' and 'what.' Anyway, your story has definitely caught me and I am anxious to find out what is going to happen next. I wonder if Draco will sneak a look at Hermione's dress while she is in Diagon Alley trying to get everything set up to help him. It will be interesting to see how they act around each other when she shows up at the hotel.
Author's Response: As usual, thanks so much for the detailed comments! I've made some corrections as a result. I find Hermione and Draco to be such an interesting ship, but so difficult to portray believably (due to that pesky little thing called "canon"). Of course, that's half the challange and fun of writing the ship! I'm glad to hear that their attraction is credible here. *slight teaser* Interesting things will happen at the hotel, but first we must follow Hermione as she tries to sort out her thoughts. . . :)
Very interesting chapter. I think you did a really good job with establishing Hermione through her thoughts and behaviors. However, I was a little confused with where Hermione's parents were while she was practicing the spells and curses and brewing potions. Were they in the house with her? Also, how much time did she spend with studying magic while she could have been spending time with her parents? Hopefully she was spending the majority of time with her parents and only a small amount of time with magic since she had gone home with them to spend quality time with them. Anyway, I love the way the chapter ended with Hermione having a recurring dream about Malfoy. Her confusion about why she's dreaming about him is fantastic. Very well written chapter.
Author's Response: songbook99, I was trying to get across the idea that Hermione was both studying and spending time with her parents. I think both would be very important to her and she would try to balance the two as best she could. Keep the comments coming!
Wow, I love the suspense in this chapter. You really build the whole situation up so well, right up to the confrontation at the cafe. Beginning the chapter with Hermione freaking out about what to wear to the wedding was hilarious, and very real. I remember having a hard time selecting what to wear to my brother's wedding, and I wasn't even trying to impress anyone, poor Hermione. The only thing I didn't really understand is why Hermione didn't ask her mom to go with her. I know that I had to ask about four people which outfit or dress they liked best before I could make up my mind what to wear to my brother's wedding. I imagine Hermione would've wanted someone to help her as well, but, as this is your portrayal of her, maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, what struck me as the most brilliant thing about this chapter is the way it begins with Hermione being totally focused on Ron and getting a dress to impress him at the wedding and ends with Hermione being totally focused on Malfoy. Based on your summary, this chapter basically shows Hermione's whole dilemma, all in one shot. Absolutely amazing!
Author's Response: I have to say I ended up being rather pleased with the shift in focus from Ron to Draco myself, so it's nice to see your comments as well! I'm also glad to see that you did not think it un-Hermione-like to go into a panic over what to wear! I also see Hermione as the type of girl who would prefer to shop alone so she can think over everything in her own way. Thanks again for the detailed comments!
Once again, you have managed to write a very interesting and captivating chapter. I like the way you give the events on the North Tower from Malfoy's perspective, it does give some interesting insight into his personality as you have written him. However, thre are a couple of spots where Malfoy has a pretty good sized chunk of dialogue which ends with a line of dialogue by Hermione. It might be a little less confusing if you give Hermione's dialogue it's own paragraph, even if that means the paragraph is only one sentence long. For example, you can split this paragraph (which needs quotation marks at the beginning), ‘Then, I was actually there, with Dumbledore, and he was not quite right. He was weak but he was talking, talking too much. He wasn’t afraid of me. He wasn’t afraid in the least. Then he told me that I wasn’t a killer. I was so stupid; I was actually insulted even though I knew it was true. I knew, right at that moment, that I couldn’t do what they expected me to do. I was going to fail. I tried to fight it. I didn’t want to die because I couldn’t do it. Dumbledore offered me help, but how could I take it when I knew I was going to die for not killing the man who was trying to help me?! Then the rest of them showed up, and they taunted me to try to get me to do it. My hands were shaking so bad I couldn’t even aim my wand. Dumbledore actually smiled at me once or twice. Then Snape came in and he did it. Then, Dumbledore just fell over the side of the tower.” He stopped speaking and blinked his eyes several times. The tears had not fallen, though they still glimmered in the corners of his eyes. Hermione felt her own eyes welling up as she looked at him. She breathed heavily and blinked them away. “What happened after you left Hogwarts? Why are you here?”' I would split it right when you start talking about Hermione feeling tears in her eyes. As you're shifting the focus from Draco to Hermione, you can split the paragraph without really doing anything to flow of the overall story. Anyway, that's just a suggestion. Your writing is great and I can't wait for the next chapter to be posted. Happy writing!
Author's Response: gossipweaver said something similar regarding an earlier chapter so I'm going to take a look into breaking up paragraphs for easier reading. I do find this type of comment extremely helpful. I would also like to say that I'm glad to have a regular reviewer. I will be looking forward to your well thought out comments on future chapters! Thanks again!
This chapter is a very good introductory chapter. It's great that you introduce all of the main characters, including Draco, even though he's only mentioned in Hermione's thoughts. I really like all of your descriptive language because it lets me feel the tension and awkwardness of the situations, especially between Ron and Hermione and Harry and Ginny. However, one of the things I noticed is you keep leaving out the last comma when you list your characters. For example, in your sentence 'Harry sat in a compartment with Ginny, Neville and Luna in silence.' there should be a comma between 'Neville' and 'and.' The same thing applies to your sentence 'Mrs. Weasley tried to gather Ron, Ginny, Harry and her all into one hug.' where you need a comma between 'Harry' and 'and.' Without those last commas, reading those sentences can get confusing, especially the first one. I had to re-read it three times to make sure I understood it correctly because I kept thinking that Harry and Ginny were in one compartment and Neville and Luna might be in another. All in all, a very well written and engaging beginning to your story.
Author's Response: Thanks, songbook99, for all of the comments. The "commas in lists" must have gotten by my beta, I will mention it to her and keep an eye out!
I really like your opening chapter. Your two new characters really come to life along with the ones everyone knows. I like the interactions between everyone because they build a base as to what might be coming in later chapters. I will definitely keep reading as long as you keep writing.
Author's Response: thank you for your review! I appriciate it more than anyone can guess!!!!!
This chapter was a very entertaining chapter to read. Beginning this chapter with Remus waking up James and Sirius is great. I love the subtle details you throw into the scene, especially Sirius’ bright pink boxers. Adding the little detail about the whole “I’m Allergic to Mornings” phrase on the boxers was brilliant. I laughed throughout that whole scene all the way to their departure from the dorm with Sirius being slightly disheveled because he couldn’t find his hair gel. You have quite a knack for describing some pretty funny scenes that really make your story interesting.
However, I still noticed a few places that seemed a little odd to me. The first place is in a line by James when he is talking to Professor McGonagall. I don’t understand why you ended his dialogue in a question mark here: ‘ “Umm, well….. I haven’t…..err….asked her yet?” he said timidly.’ Seeing the question mark threw me off a little as I was reading that because I wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be asking McGonagall that last bit or if he is just making a statement and the question mark should be a comma. The second place was again in some of James’ dialogue where there seem to be some missing commas in this sentence: ‘ “Sir yes sir!” ‘ There should be a comma after the first ‘sir’ and after ‘yes.’ You have another missing comma here: ‘ “Hold up mate!” Remus called.’ The missing comma should be after the word ‘up’ as Remus is using ‘mate’ to address James. Lastly, although there is nothing grammatically wrong with this sentence - ‘In shock, James walked back to his friends in a state of shock.’ - it was a little awkward to read because of the repetition of the word ‘shock.’ The sentence would probably flow better and be easier to read if you adjusted either the beginning or the end of the sentence. What first popped into my head as an alternative would be something like: ‘Stunned, James walked back to his friends in a state of shock.’ However, you may have put the repetition there for a reason that I’m just not picking up on. Oh well, either way, aside from the few things I listed, your writing is really engaging and entertaining.
As for the rest of the story itself, you do a great job portraying the conversation between James and McGonagall. You add just the right bit of humor into the situation so that it is funny without having James appear disrespectful toward McGonagall. Then, during your scene where James asks Lily to go to the dance with him, I love the way you mimic JKR’s style by mashing the whole question into one word the first time he asks her – very reminiscent of Harry’s experience with Cho. Of course, I do feel a little pity for James because of the ambiguity of Lily’s answer. You do a great job with his reaction to her answer, though, and the reactions of his friends when he tells them she didn’t say no. I could really picture the shocked expression he must have worn when he got back to his friends. It will be interesting to see what Lily’s final answer is going to be and how long she waits to give it to him. Normally, I would think she would say yes since we all know she ends up with James, but I don’t know what you’ll have her do. I’m looking forward to reading the next chapter to find out what happens. Nicely written!