Penname: The Savant [Contact]
Real name: Giuseppe "Joe" di Martino
Member Since: 11/11/04
Website:
Beta-reader: 0
Status: Member
Bio:
I was born a poor black child--
Whoops, obscure movie reference.
I was born a poor Roman Catholic in a small town in Campagnia. I still have a bit of Italian in me. I came to America when I was threeish. For a while I had a bit of autism or ADD- forget which one it was, perhaps a combination of both- but I overcame that and I like to think of myself as clever and witty. Of course, others may have more valid opinions upon analysis. I'm currently sixteen years old, a sophomore at Brooklyn Tech High School.
I love to write humorous fanfiction. Comedy will always be a part of me. It flows through me and from me, like clockwork. And that burrito I just had. (Just kidding. It was a normal taco.) Though my pockets are shallower than a porn star in a bucket of air, my imagination punches through puny limits like Mr. T does foolishness.
However, when I'm serious, I'm very serious, and don't mistake my affinity for comedy to lend itself to being slow to anger. I love sushi, Seanbaby.com, and anything that's cool. I hate Bush, feminism, chauvinism, and Oprah.
Well, that's all I've got to say, really. Oh wait, I should warn you that I have a writing style that uses commas A LOT. And if anyone's interested in donating to the Make Me Rich Fund, do so.
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Reviews by The Savant
 

Summary: It’s Harry Potter’s Seventh Year in Hogwarts, and Lord Voldemort is close to overthrowing good once and for all. He’s got it all: a goblin desk, Albus Dumbledore’s quill, one billion, two thousand, six hundred and ninety-eight slaves and a secretary…not to mention the entire world. It’s time to put himself into the history books properly - as the evil genius he is. Unfortunately, Lord Voldemort has a bad case of writer’s block…with hilarious consequences.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 9134 Chapters: 6 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/19/05 Updated: 04/24/05


Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 02/25/05 Title: Chapter 2: The Proposition

I wish I had a guard troll stationed at my door. Not because I want to keep anyone away, but because trolls are cool.

Author's Response: Trolls are cool, but not always clever. Imagine if they thought you were an intruder...it's like Crabbe and Goyle hyped up on sugar (no, wait, I gotta write this down. Next story: Crabbe, Goyle and the Supposed Sugar Fairy. Copyright if I decide to do that...)

 

Summary: (Hi, I wrote this when I was 16, please keep that in mind. I'm keeping it up because people still like it.)

So, you want to be an evil villain? In this handbook that a certain Hogwarts student purchases, all of the rules, techniques, and frequently asked questions about evil villainy are explained. Do you have what it takes? And what will happen to the student who purchases the book? Another story from the strange, twisted, and slightly unfortunate Hermione's Revenge.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 11692 Chapters: 9 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/19/05 Updated: 05/01/05


Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 03/03/05 Title: Chapter 2: Finding a Purpose and a Nemesis

Review number 100, from your favorite person in the world. Excellent, I am one step closer to achieveing my dastardly deeds- do you think making every natural disaster concievable occur in a small Mississippi town by the river is evil enough? Or should I carry on with my "steal candy from every baby on the Earth" plan? I already have a nemesis, though- the ninja at the W.W. bridge. Anyway, I'm off to-- wait a minute, I've just thought of the PERFECT evil plan! Thank you telepathy! Sincerely, Student of Evil #2189

Author's Response: Yes, you are my favorite person. Hmm...I personally think you should do both (steal the candy first, then start up the natural disasters). And that ninja...I know how that is. It's not fun. Well...sometimes it is, but only on Thursdays. Anyhoo, I'm off to go...answer more reviews!

 
Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 04/26/05 Title: Chapter 6: The Do's and Don'ts of Executing your Evil Plan

[Totally serious.] Okay, Chapter Twelve of Magorian had been accepted. There's one teensy problem, though: it seems to have been cut off near the end, and no matter how many times I try to edit it, it just stays that way. Could you check it out and see if the chapter ends at "Dodaru barely dodged Voldem--"? I appreciate it. (By the way, there were about only four hundred words left in the chapter, bu they're all vitally important.)

Author's Response: That's odd...I'll check. Check your reviews for an answer.

 
Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 04/26/05 Title: Chapter 6: The Do's and Don'ts of Executing your Evil Plan

I tried updating again, but it seems the highest this thing can go is 64,367 characters (including spaces). What should I do? I can't just tack the ending onto the next chapter, that would upset the order of things.

Author's Response: Ooh...I don't know what to say. The only things I can suggest is to either cut out some less important parts in the middle of your chapter (though I'm not sure if you'd want to do that) so that you can fit the end, or to use whatever's left as another chapter in itself (though I'm not sure if you have enough to make it its own chapter). That's all I can think of right now.

 
Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 04/26/05 Title: Chapter 1: So, you want to be an evil villain?

I've decided to go with the latter option and submit the ending as a new chapter. It's an enlongated 1,350 words now, so that should do as a solitary chapter. I've labeled it "The Climax Continued", and consider both to be a single chapter. By the way, thanks for the great review, and be sure to review the (hopefully) upcoming ending to the Duirop storyline as well.

Author's Response: Good choice - nothing gets omitted. I'll make sure to review it when it's up.

 
Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 04/28/05 Title: Chapter 7: Quiz time!

My evil laugh is perfected! Hyukhyukhyukhyukhyukhyukoooooooo! My evil wardrobe, stylized and brilliant! I've got vambraces that bring blight and decay to whatever they touch, a cape that constantly billows AGAINST the wind (showing nature who's boss!) and silver-linked chestplate with shinguards and horned helm to match! My custom-desinged collector's edition scepter even has a vignette of a pack of great tundra wolves with bottles of water in their mouths engraved along its side, and the Hope diamond at its tip! And my third century Akkadian armor? To die for! My evil plotting has also improved beyond anything I would have hoped for! Indeed, I have comitted at least two pointless evils this very second-- The gnome in my printer got stabbed repeatedly with a bayonette and tossed out of my private Neopets jet into the ocean, and I crushed a lady on the bus's cell phone with my bare hands. Lastly, I have totally redone my volcano-clous fortress and even chrisened it a name: Thrarthmal, Haven of Heathens. (It was Racecar's idea.) Overall, I have transcended my silly status as apprentice and am now, If I do say so myself, the surpeme ruler of the universe. That's right, Master Revenge, you are now my subordinate. Oh, this is going to be fun...

Author's Response: Wow, can't remember the last time I heard a good Hyukhyukhyukhyukhyukhyukoooooooo! I'd give you a prize, but alas, I'm all out. Curse those Norwegian tap dancers... And you're right, sometimes that wind does need to be shown who's the boss, it gets rather arrogant. Bottles of water in their mouths eh? I personally just saw a custom vignette of a pack of wolves with cans of Campell's soup in their mouths you say?...interesting. Also, applause for your pointless acts of evil - the world just doesn't get enough of them these days! I'm planning one myself now that includes some lock-switching, baby powder, and a pink ribbon...possible a cryptic note on the side, just for effect...but anyway, about this whole "supreme ruler of the universe" thing...apparently someone hasn't checked their refrigerator lately...*maniacal laughter and crashes of lightening follow. Insert horrified gasp here*

 
Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 02/24/05 Title: Chapter 1: So, you want to be an evil villain?

An excellent and hilarious read. I fully encourage more chapters, preferably in short intervals. I cannot wait for further instruction. The Scion knows I've only a terribly small group of evil people, and our headquarters' location leaves something to be desired. The last evil sorcery handbook I read had me put it in the middle of the La Brea tar pits! I percieve no chances for ancient evil rituals here, as the book said, only lots and lots of mud! Hopefully your book will give me better advice. Also, can you give me private lessons? All the other so-called "experts" on evil villainy say I lack the intelligence needed to be a malevolent genius. But I know you know better! Please help me. I'll pay you in slaves after I've ruled the world.

Author's Response: Very glad that you appreciate my evil writing (and short intervals - I don't have the time to put 3000 words in a chapter people!) I've gathered a lot of knowledge about evil-ness after going on many of my own evil escapades and by being surrounded by other evil people (cough"HogwartsOverturned"cough) I'm here to help. I'll telepathically give you lessons - whenever a brilliant evil plan enters your mind, it's from me.

 
Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 02/24/05 Title: Chapter 1: So, you want to be an evil villain?

Oh, and I most reccomend reading Magorian before accepting that teaching job. Y'know, as a prerequisite.

Author's Response: I shall read!

 
Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 05/04/05 Title: Chapter 8: Confrontation

Ahem. It seems like you didn't take my newfound global mastery seriously the last time. It was not a joke. I am the supreme king of everything. I would flay you for your impudence, mortal, were it not for your assistance in the past, your psychic link to me, and this wondeful chapter. Er, I mean, halfway decent chapter. None of your chapters can possibly surpass the quality of mine. You'll just have to accept the fact and move on. It's as inevitable as Stan Shunpike's eventual ascension to power as the Half-Blood Prince. Of Mordor.

 
Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 02/24/05 Title: Chapter 1: So, you want to be an evil villain?

You know evil villains are notoriously greedy. This is why I command you to also read my one-shots, Croaker and Quirrell. Obey me, or else I just might choke an innocent puppy or two. Or even maybe three. And I'll make sure they're the kind with those cute little adorable eyes. Because that's just how evil I am!

Author's Response: Let me finish "Magorian" first, child! Being evil I have evil business to attend to (well...not really). *winks*

 
Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 05/04/05 Title: Chapter 9: Epilogue - A success story/About the Author

Ahem. It seems like you didn't take my newfound global mastery seriously the last time. It was not a joke. I am the supreme king of everything. I would flay you for your impudence, mortal, were it not for your assistance in the past, your psychic link to me, and this wondeful chapter. Er, I mean, halfway decent chapter. None of your chapters can possibly surpass the quality of mine. You'll just have to accept the fact and move on. It's as inevitable as Stan Shunpike's eventual ascension to power as the Half-Blood Prince. Of Mordor.

 
Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 05/04/05 Title: Chapter 9: Epilogue - A success story/About the Author

Ahem. It seems like you didn't take my newfound global mastery seriously the last time. It was not a joke. I am the supreme king of everything. I would flay you for your impudence, mortal, were it not for your assistance in the past, your psychic link to me, and this wondeful chapter. Er, I mean, halfway decent chapter. None of your chapters can possibly surpass the quality of mine. You'll just have to accept the fact and move on. It's as inevitable as Stan Shunpike's eventual ascension to power as the Half-Blood Prince. Of Mordor.

Author's Response: So, does submitting the same review three times ensure your spot as supreme ruler of everything? Though I cannot deny our strange psychic link, or Stan Shunpike's inevitable destiny, I must still insist that you are mistaken about being the supreme king of everything...or rather, you misunderstand your title. When you recieved your letter of confirmation about being the supreme king of everything, did you read the fine print? Apparently not. According to the "Who's Who?" section of Supreme_rulers_of_the_world.com, you are the supreme king of Everything, Nebraska. All 23 residents claim that it's lovely there during the spring...

 
Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 03/27/05 Title: Chapter 3: Evil Etiquette

[Rushes into reviewing room] Gah! I'm sorry I'm late teacher! It's just that I had so much work to do, what with the plotting and math homework and long-winded epileptic bouts of immense evil and the chemistry project and all! But I will let nothing stand in the way of your instruction now, I swear it! [Reads] I am most enlightened! I always thoughts capes were kind of unwieldy as they tend to get caught in things and get under your feet while your walking and just overall cramp your evil style. But I see now I was wrong! I'll have to stitch this bandana into a cowl, too, it seems. Ugh! More work! My evil sneer is coming along nicely, but my full-fledged laugh needs a bit of work. It still sounds a lot like a mixture of Gilbert Gottfried and Goofy. Speaking of Gilbert Gottfried, I've considered a giraffe as my familiar. Should I become a vampire, as one of my dastardly schemes is bound to result in, their long necks will provide me with adequate blood supply and its large strides will make for extremely speedy land transportation. (I'll simply morph into bat mode for sea transportation.) I look forward to reading your next chapter! Adieu.

Author's Response: The answer to all of your questions is seven. Everything should make perfect sense now. If it doesn't, go down to 45th street and wait at the corner. You should meet a rather large man by the name of "Wallace." Follow Wallace down to the fish market, but do not go any further. Instead, go to the owner of the fish market and ask him how the weather is "up north". He will know what you mean. At this time I believe he should hand you a napkin with the words "he taxes the mongolian wrestlers" on it and suddenly, everything should become clear to you.

 
Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 03/27/05 Title: Chapter 4: Your Evil Plan

Excellent, Professor, excellent! I am learning more and more! By the way, I've finally had the sense to relocate my evil headquarters. They are now a palace inside a volcano on top of a cloud perennially stationed above Rechyjavic, Iceland! For further details, check out chapter twelve of Magorian, Of Lice and Fen. You'll be the first to read it! A treat for my beloved instructor. Whoa, now I am beginning to sound like a vampire...

Author's Response: Ah yes, I actually was going to read your newest instalation of Magorian...but then I was pulled away from my computer. Tragic really...anyway, thank you for relocating your evil headquarters. The old location just wasn't cutting it.

 
Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 04/11/05 Title: Chapter 5: Your Original Evil Style and Pointless Evil

I seem to be progressing, Master Revenge. My evil laugh has definitely improved. Now it's a cross between that deep-voiced movie trailer guy doing a whooping cough and a ballad by Sousa. I've also taken the new lesson about pointless evil to heart, and vow to exercise more of it in the future. I am already pretty good at it, all my evil dorm mates agree, so I daresay it shan't be hard. Why, I just used a yo-yo and The Incredible Hulk # 43 to trip an old lady in a walker this morning. Not all things are well, though. Ever since recieving your psychic instructions I've noticed that at seemingly random intervals I am suddenly reminded of either Whistler's Mother, the Spanish Armada, laxatives, or all three. I implore you to send me a psychic wave to correct the imbalance.

Author's Response: Ah yes, grasshopper, you are learning. Your evil laugh has become quite good. However, I feel I owe you an explanation for your random thoughts of Whistler's Mother, the Spanish Armada, and laxatives. I was trying to send these particluar thoughts to a personal friend of mine (don't bother asking why, it involves five dollars, a dessert topping, and a very green yo-yo) but I must've accidentally transferred them to you. My apoplgies.

 
Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 04/11/05 Title: Chapter 6: The Do's and Don'ts of Executing your Evil Plan

Peru, eh? Perhaps I should program my computers to veer the Volcano-Cloud-Palace away from there at all times. No wait, that would be much too smart for an evil apprentice like me. Instead I'll order an impromptu disco party and art decko auction tonight in the honor of my pet fern, Rewdernawi St. Austin's, seventeenth between-each-birthday day. Yep, now I'm a busy man due to the wonders of your guide and guile. I await the next chapter with much villainous impatience. Seriously, I'm gonna count to three. If the next chapter's noy up by the time I open my eyes, you're history. One. [Master Revenge escapes]. Three. ..........................................................

Author's Response: Ah, thought you could foil me with the whole "count to 3" excuse. I'm much too wise for that...though if it'd been 5, then I'm not sure that things would've turned out the same way. But I must congratulate you on your brilliant idea of mixing impromptu disco with art deco. Many great battles have been won with combinations such as these. And for your villainous impatience, might I suggest taking a yoga class, or possibly learning to speak Sweedish. Or, possibly, you could update Magorian.

 

Summary: "Monty Python and the Goblet of Fire" explores the profound question of what scenes from "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" would be like if they were done as Monty Python sketches. Here the fic begins. A parody of the "Swedish subtitles" bit during the beginning credits of "Monty Python and The Holy Grail." Written for a GoF parody challenge. Rated PG-13, because I'm unsure of the language factor. (Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Monty Python, JK Rowling, or the owners of the Unofficial Monty Python site, who helped me out enormously. I'm making no money from this)

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 10518 Chapters: 6 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/27/05 Updated: 03/09/05


Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 03/09/05 Title: Chapter 1: The Beginning of the Fic

Monty Python is among my three favorite movies of all time- I always love to quote it. The amalgamtion of Harry Potter and Monty Python is pure genius. I cannot wait to get on with the other two (or was it 4) chapters. Read Magorian, if you wish.

 
Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 03/09/05 Title: Chapter 3: Defense Against the Dark Arts

I'm shuffling off the mortal coil in laughter. Seek my remembrance and the epitaph secretly inscribed in my fic- read Magorian.

 

What Would Be A Drill? by Kelsid
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 94]

Summary: COMPLETED! When Harry goes to Uncle Vernon's work for the summer, odd things happen, including beating Ron at drill questions, sending millions of letters to Vernon and making Dudley wear a cotton candy outfit!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 8488 Chapters: 7 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/28/05 Updated: 06/04/05


Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 03/10/05 Title: Chapter 3: Harry and Ron, the Dynamic Duo

Very amusing. Out of a scale of 1 to 10, where 7 is the highest and approximately 4.11 the lowest, I give you pi squared. Read Magorian, if you wish.

 
Reviewer: The Savant Signed
Date: 03/19/05 Title: Chapter 4: Owl Delivery

It was extremely amusing; various hilarious tidbits made me smile. Don't make chapters so short, though.

 
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