Really loved the basic plotline, this is a story that could be taken so many places. However, it is quite poorly written. I suggest spending a bit more time on it, you could have yourself a brilliant story!
Author's Response: I appreciate the feedback, in what way is it badly written? I do tend to have trouble taking an idea and actually making it work; unrealistic dialogue is definitely a problem for me as I have trouble getting inside others' heads, as it were.