I'm 19 years old and just graduated school, which leaves me with four months of summer holidays until I will hopefully start university in October.
I plan to spend most of that time writing or around the beta boards. I really want to finish Wedding Complications this summer, but other than that I won't make any promises as to what I write. All my plot bunnies pop up randomly and I never know what I might work on next. *giggles*
I'm a member of SPEW and the SBBC over on the beta boards and always looking for new stories to readand review. So if you want me to review one of your stories drop me a PM or write an email and I'll try to review your story within the week.^^
It was full moon when the Dark Lord sealed a part of his soul within a magical amulet, and then broke it in half. One half was left to the faithful werewolves to guard. The other half was tossed into the impenetrable depths of time where no one but him could get it. When the first half has been found, the Order of the Phoenix selects Hermione Granger to go back into the past to search for the missing piece. What is waiting for her is a brutal task that will test her beyond her limits, and an undying love that extends beyond the boundaries of time.
No werewolves were harmed in the making of this story.
Update (9 May): Chapter 17, Burning, is up! Enjoy!
Finally some more Remus/Hermione interaction! Iíve been waiting for Remus to pop up again since Sirius took Hermione to the library and their interactions made it clear that Sirius is around the Pottersí house and thus Hermione quite frequently. And Remus is such a sweetheart, giving her his room because itís the most comfortable etc., very nice characterisation of Remus there. I also really liked the playful side of his character he displayed with the house rules comment.
There are a few details that didnít seem quite right in this chapter, though. When James and Sirius first transformed, shouldnít Hermione have been at least a little bit surprised and shouldnít Remus have explained to her that the stag and the dog are actually James and Sirius? Hermione knew they were animagi before, but she has never seen James in his animagus form and I would have expected her to have some kind of reaction to seeing him. Also Remus and the other two donít know that she knows about them, so wouldnít Remus have explained what was happening when James and Sirius came into the room so that Hermione wouldnít be scared?
Another thing I wondered about was that Hermione didnít even ask Remus if it was ok for her to stay with him. I would have expected her to say something like: ďIf itís ok with Remus.Ē Instead of just telling James she wouldnít mind staying with Remus. In fact, having James ask Remus after Hermione already agreed seemed unlikely. I would have expected him to just assume that Remus would be ok with it, but Hermione to be worried about intruding on Remus, especially since she hadnít seen him a lot since she arrived.
Last but not least Ron and Harryís little argument: I can totally see Harry worrying about Hermione and the Horcruxes but only mentioning the Horcruxes and Ron taking offence to that. The beginning of their fight read like something that could have happened in canon. The ĎHerm-Hermí comment had me in peals of laughter.
Another nice chapter, Lei, well done.
Thank you, Ilka. Thank you, thank you.
In response to some of your comments (even though you\'ve got me a bit stumped, ;)), some of them might have already explained their Animagus forms to Hermione at some point. I know I haven\'t illustrated that here (and frankly, I didn\'t give that much thought when I wrote this), but I just assumed - and probably unconsciously felt that the readers would do the same - that Hermione would\'ve gotten an explanation from the Marauders at some point. I was having a JKR moment. *sheepish smile*
The next question is easier to answer, marginally. I think in situations like these, when one\'s emotions are unstable, lack of logic is understandable. James\'s main concern would be Harry and Lily, so the way he dealt with Hermione so fleetingly is pretty reasonable on his part. And, well, Hermione\'s worried about James and his family, too. Again, I was having another JKR moment, but she and Remus would\'ve discussed her staying with him prior to the scene in the kitchen. :)
I hope those were adequate answers; if they weren\'t feel free to ask more. I love your reviews, so thank you so much! *hug*
Yay! They kiss! What a little danger and a near-death experience canít do to a personís logic. *giggles* Poor Remus, he must have gone nearly crazy with worry waiting for her to wake up. Why was he not in the room with Hermione though? Both Potters were there, but Remus seemed to be more worried than either of them when he came into the room and yet he didnít wait at her bedside for her to wake up, I wondered why that was.
So Peter found her, no? That surely isnít a good sign. I doubt he would just randomly stumble over her, he must have been there on a mission, maybe Voldemort is already looking for Benjy Fenwick? It would make sense that he wasnít a random casualty but that his murder was planned as well as the making of a new horcrux.
When she passed the very last house, she found herself facing the mouth of a dense forest. Trees that stood nearly a hundred feet high towered oppressively over her, their shadows crawling over the ground like dark slivers of ink. The description of the abandoned village, but especially these sentences describing the forest made me shudder even in the warmth of my room. I can picture the village and Hermione walking through it in my head. This last image, the crawling shadows, is really creepy and captured the atmosphere of the place beautifully. You always seem to find exactly the images you need to create moods for your story, Iím impressed.
Something was nagging at her at the back of her mind, though, but she dared not turn to it. Anything bothering her right now would be a sign of doubt, uncertainty, and she didnít want that. She didnít want that at all. I think you can delete the bolded words, because either something is nagging at her or at the back of her mind, but not both and especially not both without a comma separating them. I quoted the whole passage instead of just this one sentence, because this is another perfect example of Hermioneís characterisation. I love how she has doubts and tries to focus on something else and not think too much about what happened for fear of wavering in her decision. This shows that even though time has passed, she still thinks about what she did and is still uneasy about it, itís very Hermione!
I loved this chapter very much. The Remus/Hermione relationship is picking up speed, but Ron isnít completely forgotten yet and I like that Hermione still thinks about him, although she is giving in to her feelings for Remus.
Another brilliant chapter, Lei. I especially like the way you portray Hermioneís feelings. Like JKR does with Harry, you give her just the right amount of determination mixed with fears. She seems real and whatever she says and does is very believable. Iím glad youíre taking so much time with showing how she feels about all this, before you send her into the past. I feel as if I know Hermione inside out already and I can connect to her very well, which in turn makes me look forward to seeing her thrust into this adventure. If you had just send her back in chapter 1 I donít think this would have been the case, so this gradual built-up is really the best thing you could have done.
One thing I just loved in this chapter was the way Moody made sure Hermione wouldnít answer to her name, but to the one Lupin thought of. It was just so typically Moody to test her in this way. Both Ron and Harry would have surely failed the test, but Hermione wouldnít and the way you portrayed her reaction, with her near failure, was very well done and showed how hard it is to wrap your mind around being someone else all of a sudden.
Hermione smiled at the both of them, despite the harsh pangs of sadness in her chest. ďIím glad you arenít pulling another ĎHermione canít goí tantrum.Ē
ďWe planned to, but Ron pointed out that the chances of us persuading you are zilch,Ē said Harry. There were a lot of great lines in this chapter, but these are definitely my favourites! The whole atmosphere was quite grave and everyone was very pensive, then when reading these lines I couldnít help giggling like mad. They really lightened the atmosphere and showed that Harry, Ron and Hermione can still joke in times of danger.
The Hermione/Ron hints in this chapter were a nice touch and not overdone. I can see them acting like that around each other after HBP, because I believe that even though they seemed closer at Dumbledoreís funeral, they wonít magically get together over night.
Tehe, why canít I shake the feeling that it was Hermione who gave that ring to Lupin? It would certainly explain why it fit her perfectly. I also have the suspicion that the first person she meets, the one who has to help her according to the spell, will be Lupin. I guess thereís nothing else for me to do but continue reading, isnít there? *giggles*
Oh wow! This chapter was insanely funny! While I was expecting Hermione to meet Remus, I thought she wouldnít meet Sirius, James, Lily and Peter until later, when she had gotten used to being in the past a bit. Thrusting her into a situation where she meets all of them nearly at once must have shocked her immensely. No wonder she hardly knows what to say to Remus at first and is nervous before meeting the Potters.
Something that just occurred to me: If Harry is already born, that means that Hermione herself is already alive as well, doesnít it? I canít imagine how that could be important to your story, but I just randomly thought of it.
Sirius is too funny! I love how he keeps pushing Remus into talking to Hermione and asking her to stay with him. Heís so light-hearted and good-natured, even though Voldemort is already a threat to the wizarding world. Heís very different but in a way still the same as he was after escaping from Azkaban.
One thing that struck me as odd though, was how fast Remus and Sirius decided to take Hermione to see Lily and James and how Remus suggested she could live with them almost as soon as Sirius brought up the subject of her not having a place to stay. Even though the Potters arenít in hiding yet, I would have expected all of them to be a bit more suspicious of Hermione, especially since she really didnít answer their questions about where she was going and why she Ďapparatedí on top of Remus. It seems almost careless to take someone you know almost nothing about to see your best friends whoíve just had a baby. I would have at least expected Remus to be a bit more apprehensive about it, she could after all be a Death Eater in disguise.
Anyway, I loved this chapter, just like I loved the previous ones. If this story keeps on going like this I will be forced to call you a genius soon.^^
So we finally get to meet Peter and then thereís lots of Hermione/Remus interaction. I like it, very much so. Iíve said this before about the whole story, but the same can be said for the Remus/Hermione relationship in particular: I like how slowly you build it up. First off it wouldnít be in character for either Hermione or Remus to just randomly hook up and secondly the stage where theyíre at now, before they are actually in a relationship, is just so much more interesting to read about.
I loved how Hermione made pancakes the Muggle way and not with magic and I can just see ten-year old Hermione being proud of not burning pancakes anymore. From the way Remus talks about his non-existent cooking skills, I guess that he doesnít cook at all, so I was wondering, what does he usually do? He doesnít cook and he doesnít have enough money to eat out all the time, does he just eat sandwiches and things like that and gets his only real meals when he is invited to the Pottersí house? That would be very sad, but I can see no other way his budget and his inability to cook would work out.
Hermione meets Peter. Now thatís what Iíve been waiting for since Sirius and Remus took Hermione to the Pottersí house and I wasnít disappointed now that they finally come face to face. Once again Hermioneís feelings and reactions are perfectly shown. You really have a knack for her character and showing us exactly how she ticks. I also liked how Remus is slightly suspicious of Peterís frequent absences. And hereís another thing I was wondering: Was Peter invited for breakfast or did he just randomly drop in and just so happened to arrive right when Hermione was finished cooking breakfast? Remus doesnít ask him to eat with them, but then again Hermione does leave to go to the bathroom and get away from Peter so he could have asked while she wasnít in the room and we wouldnít know it.
When Hermione told Remus that she knows about his lycanthropy I just wanted to hug him and hold him tight. Poor Remus seemed so afraid and vulnerable. Maybe being accepted by someone outside of the Marauders and Lily will be good for him and give him some more self-esteem. Iím looking forward to see how this evening will change the relationship between Remus and Hermione.
It\'s a stepping stone for their relationship, believe me. You\'ll find a good, concrete reason why in chapter 10. :)
Remus, poor dear, has basic knowledge of cooking spells: sandwiches, salads, maybe one full meal, but nothing more. He gets his full meals at the Potters\' and also at Sirius\'s, since in my head Sirius can cook (which is illogical, since he\'s been catered to by house-elves growing up, but yeah, that\'s how I see him *shrug*). Also, Remus would probably find the cheap diner in Diagon Alley somewhere that he frequents. : / It\'s a hard life for him; it\'s always been.
And no, Remus didn\'t invite Peter beforehand. He just so happened to pop in at the right time, and Remus invited him to eat with them while Hermione was having a fit in the bathroom.
Thanks again, Ilka. :)
Oh no, not another set-back! Why does Hermione have to make everything so complicated? She wouldnít be Hermione if she didnít, but sometimes she can be very frustrating. Although Remus was a bit forward when he said she made him her best friend, lover and sometimes-mother. I would have expected him to try and talk to her about what the kiss meant for them first, before saying things like that, but heís still young in this story and he canít always have been as reserved as he is when he is older, so just saying these things without talking to her first fits in with his character quite nicely.
Sirius had cigarette ash on his chest? Doesnít that hurt or something? *shudders* Anyway, I liked how they are as puzzled by Peter finding Hermione as I was, but Sirius is right, Remus seemed to totally not care why Hermione was there even though she shouldnít have been there either. I wonder what important werewolf place he forgot about there being, maybe it is the graveyard Hermione is looking for?!
Whoís that ĎRobertí Sirius is talking about in the end? Is that Remusís dad? The name came out of nowhere and caught me completely off-guard, I have no idea where to put it so it will make sense.
I enjoyed the first scene with Harry and Remus very much. As in the last chapter your descriptions in this scene are superb and really show the atmosphere of the house while theyíre waiting for Hermione to come back. And Harry finally noticed that Remus might know more than he lets on, I wonder if he will dare ask him about it and what Remus will tell him if he does. The orange ball was just what the story needed to have another lighter moment. All these little stories about adventures of the Marauders are a nice and funny change from the otherwise more serious mood the story has taken on.
Another brilliant chapter and I hope Hermione can clean up the mess she made with Remus soon, I really feel sorry for the poor guy having to suffer from her indecision.
:sigh: I was reading the discussions in the SBBC, and I can\'t believe none of you remember who Robert Lupin is, lol. Geez. ;)
In chapter 10 during the flashback when Remus talks to his father, I mention the father\'s name. And, Remus wasn\'t being TOTALLY serious when he said the best friend-lovers thing. He\'s a Marauder at heart, too. Toying with people\'s heads would\'ve been a hard-learned specialty. XD
Thanks for the awesome review, love! :)
Itís good to see Hermione in the Archives again and working on her mission as it shows she has not forgotten about why she came there and Hermione really isnít the character who could forget about something like this. Ever since Hermione thought the name Caradoc Dearborn sounded familiar, I have the feeling that he should ring a bell with me too, but he doesnít. Of course, without Hermione thinking that the name would have seemed wholly unfamiliar, but I trust Hermione to remember names and things like that better than me, so if she thinks she should know the name, I probably should too.
So now we know how to destroy the amulet, now Hermione just has to find out where the second half is. I loved the Alpha-Beta theory and everything else Caradoc told her about the amulet. The huge amount of information on werewolves you incorporate into this story is really enjoyable, especially since werewolves are never really focused on in canon. Itís nice to see someone take the time to think about them and give them a history etc.
ďBut it isnít that simple,Ē he added quickly as Hermione opened her mouth to ask something. ďThat is where the Amulet of Selene comes in. You see, merely killing your Alpha wonít suffice. You need the Amulet to do it. On a full moon, the Beta must wear the Amulet around his neck and strike his Beta with Seleneís Hammer. Only then will he be released from his curse.Ē I think the bolded word should be Alpha, because itís all about the Beta attacking his Alpha, right? I had to read this paragraph twice and only when I exchanged Alpha for Beta here did it make sense.
I donít really know what Iím supposed to think about Jamesís birthday party. It really came out of the blue and didnít seem like it was really necessary for the story. When Peter was mentioned as being there I was looking forward to some Sirius, James, Peter interaction, but none shown. I was a bit disappointed that Peter was just mentioned as being there and then as being gone, he could have at least said Ďhelloí to Hermione or something. Apart from the frequent hints that Peter is already a Death Eater he seems a bit bland in this story and is oftentimes just passed over, which I think is very sad. Even if he has distanced himself from his friends, he would still have to be around them quite a bit to collect information for Voldemort, wouldnít he? Thatís kind of what Iím missing in this story, Peter being part of the group.
Anyway, I still liked the chapter and am looking forward to seeing how Hermione will go on in her search now that she has all this information on the amulet.
*nod* I get your point about Peter. And I agree. When I wrote this story, I fell victim to the common \"Ugh, I really don\'t want to deal with him\" phase, but as the story goes on, he does play a huge role. Well, not really \"huge\", per se, but he will come more into the story. It IS a mistake to leave him out so much, and I recognize it. I\'m in the process of weaving him back in, since I do like writing him, despite my reluctance to include him too much. *shrug*
The birthday party may seem unnecessary, but I included it because I needed a scene to balance out the heaviness of the amulet scene. And yes, that should be Alpha there. Oops.
Iím sooo glad that Hermione seems to have given in and isnít fighting a relationship with Remus quite as violently anymore. Just hope that se doesnít come up with another two-dozen reasons why she shouldnít be with Remus while he is out with James, Sirius and Peter. When they went into the house again and Remus was trying to get out of going to The Spectre with the others, he and Hermione acted like a couple thatís been in an established relationship for a while. I liked how easily they made that transition because they didnít really talk about anything important up on that hill an yet I donít think Hermione was uncomfortable with the way Remus acted.
I loved how you mentioned Gideon and Fabian Prewett in this scene. Itís such a nice low-key way of showing that the Marauders had friends outside of their own group and didnít keep to themselves without having to show their interactions with lots of other characters.
And finally Lily tries to talk to Hermione about the whole situation. I would have expected her to do it earlier and more along the lines of asking her why she was rejecting Remus, but the way you wrote it works even better. Thinking about it now I donít think Hermione would have told her more than she told Remus when they talked up in her room, maybe even less, because sheís a very private person. For Lily to basically tell her to just get over it because they will keep throwing the two of them together until they are in a relationship helped in Hermioneís Ďdecisioní that whatever would happen was meant to be. So yes, I really liked what you did with this conversation.
Itís hard to point out exactly why I love this story so much, itís a perfect combination of a exciting plot, lovable characters and just amazing writing, but if I had to pick one of these three that are particularly well done, it would have to be the characters. Your characterisations are brilliant!
Hermione is such a vivid character, Iíve never felt as close to her as I do since reading this story. Her reactions to meeting James and Lily were very well done. I had tears in my eyes when she thought about what would happen to them and that she would want to warn them and allow Harry to experience the warmth of his parentsí home. I canít imagine what it must be like to hold the baby that in your time is your best friend in your arms, but I thought it very well done that Hermione started to cry then. Hermione really shows that she can think on her feet in this chapter, I imagine both Ron and Harry would have had problems dealing with this scenario and coming up with a believable story for why she was in the orphanage and what happened to her parents.
James and Lily are perfect! James seems like Harry in many ways, but he is also distinctly different in others and it doesnít feel as if heís a copy of the same character but he feels like his own character. I loved the foreshadowing when he waited for Peter and Peter didnít come and the mention that it isnít the first time that Peter didnít come. Lily is just the person you would love to have as your mum. Sheís so different from Petunia and it made me really sad to think that Harry could have grown up in such an environment if it hadnít been for Voldemort.
ďSince when has that become a standardized question?Ē remarked Remus, raising an eyebrow.
ďSince sixth year when you and Sirius ended up dating the same girl.Ē
That made me laugh out loud. Sirius and Remus dating the same girl? I would have thought they would go for totally different types of girls, but Iíd love to see them dating the same girl and finding out about it, itís bound to be enormously funny.
Poor Remus, having never forgotten Hermione/Jane, he really deserves happiness, but I donít think Tonks is right for him from that one tiny scene. She seems to force things between them too much and although I would have expected to feel sorry for her when Remus thought about someone else while kissing her, I just didnít. She annoyed me in that scene somewhat and I didnít feel any sympathy for her, instead I felt sorry for Remus and hoped that Hermione will come back soon and that Remus can be happy again.
Wonderful chapter, Lei, Iím enthralled.
I usually stay away from Marauder fics, because while I like the characters most fics I've read don't do them justice. (No offense meant to any writers of Marauder era stories.) I'm glad I read your fic though, because it was extremely funny! You capture the dynamics of the Marauders' friendship perfectly and the characters are very well done as well. Peter is there, and he's not just a tag-along, but he is an equal member of the group. He has something to add and the others listen to him, he's not just there. When James, Sirius and Peter came in, I was afraid that he would just be a shadow, because you said he crept in at their ankles. You explain why straight after saying this, so it's alright, but it still evokes a slightly weird picture, as if he was cowering or something like this.
I love Sirius! He's funny, he's carefree, he's a prankster and a bit of a lady's man, but most importantly he doesn't take himself seriously, not too much anyway. But you also show how much he cares about his friends, because he actually cleans Remus's wound when he realizes that he caused it. This action, however small it may be, is immensely significant because it shows that under his playful exterior he really cares about his friends. His anger with Remus towards the end is completely irrational, but something that I can see Sirius doing. His hug at the end is soo sneaky, but hilarious.
Staying on the topic of their friendship, the scene you chose to portray also reflects the strength of their friendship. The four of them are just after going through the worst night of their month, together, and almost as soon as Remus, who suffers fromit the most, is surrounded by his friends again. They don't leave him alone for longer than they have to, which shows how much they care about him.
He never was still bleeding the morning after. Just a tiny thing here:I think it would add to the flow of your sentence to interchange 'never' and 'was'.
Sirius spun, grabbing the short boy by the front of his robes and hauling him up to his eye level. First off, I like how you show that Sirius is much taller than Peter by only saying that Peter is small and he has to 'haul him up'. One slight change I would make is at the beginning, instead of saying 'he spun', I would say 'he spun around' because it gives a movement a direction and makes it easier to envision the scene.
I can't help it if girls just madly love me more than they do you. I'd suggest taking out 'madly', it sounds odd putting it into the comparison of who the girls love more and I somehow don't think it's something Remus would say. THe comparison without the 'madly' fits in better with his character.
He let go almost immediately, and the pillow fight got under way rather quickly after that. I feel really picky saying this, but I think you shouldn't use a definite article here. Put 'a pillow fight' instead of 'the pillow fight' because it just starts all of a sudden, so an indefinite article fits better.
Author's Response: Thank you for the pickiness, dear. =) I\'m glad you liked it so much; one thing I was trying to show was the friendship and the interaction, and I\'m glad it came across. Thanks for pointing out the bit with Peter \"creeping in,\" I changed it because you\'re right, it did sound rather horrible. Thanks for the SPEW review.
Even though Christmas was nearly two months ago this story brought me some late Christmas spirit. The snow at the beginning transported me right back in time and made me feel as if it was still December. The atmosphere you created was very nice and I like the contrast between Adeleís inner turmoil and the quietness of the village, very nice.
Adeleís thoughts are very well done, just jumping from one occasion to the next without system, thatís how I think as well, totally random. I like how you managed to insert her into the first war without forcing it. The way she talked to Cho was sweet, without seeming to be too much of a change. The change back at the end after talking to Mrs Chang was nicely done as well.
I usually donít like Cho at all, but the younger version you portrayed wasnít too bad. At times she sounded a bit too grown-up for my tastes, but other than that she was a genuine 8-year old.
You had one line in there that didnít make any sense to me: Even through school they were close, and though Adele was two years older, they were both in Ravenclaw. This sounds as if their age difference had anything to do with the houses they are in. I got confused there for a second, rephrasing it should do the trick though.
I love your writing style, it just makes everything you write flow effortlessly. Very nice story!
She braved darkness and death to give her son a gift. A gift that only one capable of great love can give.
FINALIST in the 2005 Winter-Snow Holidays Challenge # 5 - The Secret Gift Challenge
It’s been a while since I last saw you around here or the forums, but I hope you still read your reviews. I found an old list with story I wanted to review yesterday and this one was right at the top, so here I am finally leaving the review I wanted to leave last year.
This story was a worthy finalist for the Winter Snows Challenge. You capture the hopeless, depressing atmosphere of Azkaban very well. I like the contrast between the warmth of Christmas in the world outside and the dreary cold of Azkaban you start your story with. The coldness and hopelessness of Azkaban are hard to capture, in my opinion, but with this contrast readers can almost imagine what the place is like.
The snow fell softly outside – pure yet cold. This was how she felt. Cold and empty. I also likes this line very much, it describes Mrs Crouch’s feelings very well. I would have liked to see some more detail in the preceding paragraph when the Dementors steel all her happiness, but the result is very well shown here.
Today he grieved, tomorrow he would return to work, the only place left where he had a sense of purpose. It's hardly much of a purpose, but at least it’s still something. This last sentence really hindered my reading, the whole story is written in past tense, yet here you switch to present tense and it was like I stumbled over something while I read it, the flow of the story was broken for a minute. The same happened in the last sentence of the story, which is again in present tense and doesn’t seem to really fit into the story because of it, both these sentences wouldn’t hinder the flow and still express the same things if they were in past tense.
Last but not least I have to say that Barty Crouch Sr. was splendid in the epilogue. His feelings were very vivid and felt real to me. I can see him burying himself in his work in order to avoid the son he has to look after, but whom he blames for taking his wife away from him to live her last year on earth in Azkaban surrounded by Dementors without any joy and comfort. Even the graveyard where her body finally rests, close to Azkaban and the Dementors’ presence as it is, would feel like an escape from his son’s presence. You captured this scene very well and it is a great ending to a great, moving story.
Nominated for a Quicksilver Quill for Best Romance-Non Canon 2007, 2008, and 2009. In 2010 mods changed the rules (they got tired of the same fics being nominated ^_~) so no more QQ hopes, but that's okay. No proof is needed that Draco/Ginny = love.
* Written before the HBP, this tale presents an alternate sixth year in which Dumbledore lives, Draco is more than a foil to Harry, and Blaise Zabini is a girl. I hope readers who ship Draco/Ginny will enjoy the story which includes dancing with faeries, Celtic and Norse mythology, school holidays in London and Spain, and loads of fantasy and romance. "Is this a kissing book?" (to quote the Princess Bride) Yes, it is. *
(Warnings were added for safety, due to brief allusions in later chapters, not graphic content.)
I started reading this story at ff.net a while ago but never got around to actually reviewing it. Seeing it here now I just had to start reading again and tell you how much I love your story. Much Ado about nothing is my favourite Shakespeare play and I really like how you used it in your story. The quotes fit perfectly well into the context of the chapter.
Your characters are intriquing, Luna especially is a real treat. I'm normally not into girl-Blaise but she seems to work for this chapter anyway. I'm curious what will happen next, I can't remember how far I actually read this, so I'll just read it all over again.
I adore your Luna, she's hilarious. Her interactions with Blaise are always so funny. I especially liked this line:
"Are you saying that you don't think I'm loony anymore?"
Both Draco and Ginny plagued by dreams/nightmares? Sounds like they already have some kind of connection formed between them. Poor Ginny, having been tricked by Draco in first year can't have been good for her self-esteem; but the thought of her waiting in the trophy room for ages is still funny although I feel sorry for her. Is Draco's joke the reason for her schoolgirl's crush on Harry? Nice Draco/Ginny conversation by the way. I wonder what Draco meant when he said, he'll never forget it either. What exactly won't he forget? Her or the prank he played on her?
Brilliant chapter, can't wait for more.
Lovely chapter. Blaise's transformation into a real girl is well done, not too fast to be believable but still fast enough not to be boring. And you finally brought Terry into the mix, I loved him the first time I read this story and can't wait to see more of him. Poor Terry, having to see Blaise fooling around with Draco during dinner, I hope that's not gonna have serious repercussions.
Draco's antics and Ginny's reactions were just too funny, I couldn't stop giggling. Did I detect a first step towards accepting taht she might have feelings for him in Ginny's last question? But knowing her, she will probably deny everything even to herself for the longest time. I like the slow built-up to their relationship (to all of them really) in your fic, it's just so much more enjoyable than having her just fall into his arms. I also don't think Draco is quite ready for that yet^^
Keep up the good work!
I love this story more and more the more I read. Your chapters are never dull although the development of the relationships isn't too fast-paced. All the little things you add are brilliant, like Luna talking to herself and letting information slip on purpose. I can just see her sitting in the common room muttering to herself.
Fiona is beginning to really grow on me, although we've only seen her twice so far. It's nice to know that Blaise had other friends besides Draco and Luna.
The Tango was brilliant. Looks like Ginny isn't fighting as hard as I thought she would. What was Draco's look at the end about? Why didn't he say anything to taunt her, that's what he wanted to do when he turned around, right? So many unanswered questions, can't wait for the next chapter!
That's so sad, sad but beautiful at the same time. I like your style of writing a lot, you put in just the right amount of detail so that we can imagine the setting without cluttering the scenes with details.
While the setting is brilliant I feel you could have elaborated a little more on the losses Ron and Mrs Weasley suffered during the war, especially the loss of Ron's best friend. You only mention Harry's death in passing, and while I know that this story is mainly about Ron, it would have been nice to find out more about it.
I like how you portrayed the changes in Ron and Mrs weasley due to their experiences in the war. The little you told us about Ron and Hermione's relationship is very believable and in character, how they fight and make up again and how happy Ron is after every successful date. It's also very like him to decide to propose to her on the spur of a moment, rather than planning it for weeks. I don't even want to know how he's going to cope with her death. Poor Ron!
Mrs Weasley's sympathy for Lucius Malfoy was a nice touch. She would certainly be able to relate to him to some extent seeing as they both lost a child, in Mrs Weasley's case more than one, during the war. Their different reactions to this loss are well done and keep with what we know of their characters. The love Lucius seemed to have for Draco before his death was a nice change from the cold-hearted Lucius that you can find in a lot of fics.
I really enjoyed reading this.
That was brilliant! Pug is so adorable, getting into trouble all the time and not even knowing what he did wrong. Master Prince - Snape's ancestor, I presume - was brilliant as well. Can you not just see him dancing in front of you? I swear I can.^^
And to think that the Goblin rebellion started because of one burning village. Funny stuff right through to the end. Definitely worth reading. Good luck for the competition.
Finalist on the One-Shot Ancestry Monologue Challenge
What first caught my eye was the title of your fic. Although I can't speak a word Spanish and didn't know what it meant at all, the title made your fic stand out to me and I just had to read it. Now that I know what the title means in English, I have to say it's a good thing you translated it to Spanish. I probably wouldn't have read the fic if it had the English title and missed out on a real treat.
I was hooked on your fic from the first line on. Your descriptions are really well done and you managed to convey the atmosphere in Valencia beautifully. I felt as if I was there, seeing the city with my own eyes, hearing the people talk and wail. The battle scene was very good as well. I lived the line about strategy and psychology winning a war, not numbers.
I have to admit that I'm still not sure what exactly the locket did to Ximena. What kind of spell did it put her under? Some kind of imperius? I loved her curse at the end, though, and how Niccolo believes that the locket will protect him and his descendants. The bit about the unicorn in disguise and calling up an inferius were also very nice touches, especially since both species play a role in Voldemort's life and are used by him.
Last but not least I love the character of Niccolo. His ambition and cunning are traits I associate with Slytherin and his descendants, while he still manages to make me feel for him and hope that he will achieve what he sets out to do. You created a completely likeable villain, which is one of the hardest things to do. I like the way he looks down on the mudbloods around him and thinks he is superior to them. - Are all the people of Valencia really mudbloods (witches and wizards) or are they mere muggles? Their reaction to the inferius and how readily they believe him to be a corpse tied to the horse suggests that they are muggles but you keep referring to them as mudbloods. So I was just wondering what they actually were. - Niccolo's decision to leave Valencia rather than ruling a doomed city without magic is very in-character for him and a nice ending for your fic, although I'm curious where he will go and what adventures lie ahead of him. I don't think his story is really over there;)
Brilliant story you have there, perhaps you might consider writing a sequel?^^
Hmm... will have to work on clarifying that locket's purpose ... I haven't thought about that ... I did thought that Mudbloods would refer to both Muggles and Muggle-born. I'll have to go find a rude term for Muggle. Thanks for pointing that out.
BTW have you ever though of joining SPEW? because honestly that's on hell of a contructive critic. And it truly helped me a lot ... I didn't realise those loopholes and tahnks for reading. Glad you enjoyed this :)
I feel as if I have actually been to Ancient Rome after reading your story. The atmosphere you create made me feel as if I was there sitting across from the Narrator, listening as he told his tale, and then I felt as if I could see the different scenes he describes in front of my mindís eye. There was not one line that disrupted the atmosphere, the Ancient Roman setting stayed vivid throughout the story, especially in the dialogues, because of the words you chose.
At first I wondered where the connection to Harry Potter was in your story, because it reads just like any other historical story Iíve read, but then magic is just there during the fight with Brutus. I loved that. You didnít make a big deal out of introducing magic but just let your narrator use it without explaining what he does. Very nice and sneaky. It took me a minute to realize he had used magic, and the Cruciatus curse at that.
There was one thing that I still, after reading the part twice, donít understand. Why does the narrator survive at the end? Wasnít Augustus dieing when he traded places with him? So shouldnít he have died then after seeing the vision of how his blood line would end?
I loved the twist at the end though. When you referred to your narrator as the Black Prince I thought that he maybe had some connection to the Black family, but I would have never guessed that he was the founder of that bloodline. I donít get why he had to change his name completely, why didnít he just add Black at the end? In my Latin class we learned that nicknames were often added to the end of actual Roman names, so wouldnít adding Black have been better than changing the whole name?
Anyway, the ending was lovely and the whole story was enchanting and transported me right back to Ancient Roman times. Good job!