I'm 19 years old and just graduated school, which leaves me with four months of summer holidays until I will hopefully start university in October.
I plan to spend most of that time writing or around the beta boards. I really want to finish Wedding Complications this summer, but other than that I won't make any promises as to what I write. All my plot bunnies pop up randomly and I never know what I might work on next. *giggles*
I'm a member of SPEW and the SBBC over on the beta boards and always looking for new stories to readand review. So if you want me to review one of your stories drop me a PM or write an email and I'll try to review your story within the week.^^
This is a story that will reveal what will happen if the most mischievous of the Marauders joins forces with the ever-creative Weasley Twins. This is an epic tale that will reveal the mysterious myths and history of the Most Noble and Ancient House of Blacks. Be mystified, and roll over with laughter, as Sirius bumbled his way through his 1st year at Hogwarts in this alternate tale of the HP tradition.
I like the way you started this chapter, you're not throwing the readers into this new time period without any background information, which makes it easier to follow the story. The dialogue was also a good way of showing how the name Black is still affecting the people, namely Kingsley, even though the Blacks who fought for Voldemort are dead. The dialogue doesn't get boring and really is a mix of giving information and helping the story along.
Sirius' reaction to being in his home all alone all of a sudden are really well done. You managed to keep him in character while still showing that he is just a little kid. His assurance that he is a better wizard than Blood Traitors and Halfbloods shows that he still shares his parents believes, this couldn't be any other way, because he has never known anything else.
The meeting with Fudge was well done as well. Fudge is still discussing what should happen while Dumbledore goes ahead and produces a solution that Fudge can't really say no to. That's just what Dumbledore would do, handle a situation the way he wants it and then put it out to Fudge as an option, knowing that Fudge can't really object. Very nicely done.
The interaction between Lucius and Narcissa was brilliant. Lucius doesn't even notice that she's manipulating him! Narcissa uses some of the same weapons she uses on Snape in Spinner's End to make Lucius do what she wants him to, she uses flattery there and she does it again in this story. By the way, did you write this before HBP came out or after?
The Malfoy Manor was such a grand mansion. She had stood for five generations of Malfoys. The whiteness of its walls gives it a welcoming appearance. There you change tenses again, without any reason. Change the present tense in the third sentence to past tense, there's no need to make this sentence stand out above the rest of the description.
So Sirius will be living with the Malfoys? I'm curious how he will get along with Draco and what life will be like for him at Malfoy Manor.
I really liked the way you started this chapter, the atmosphere of the previous chapter is continued very nicely during the first paragraphs until Percy leaves the compartment. That’s when the darkness and mysterious-ness from the Prologue and Chapter 1 start to return, the last scene then is exactly like the Prologue again, where tone is concerned.
You have a pretty good grasp on your characters and they stay true to canon for the most part. I was somewhat surprised that Hermione didn’t know about the Blacks’ involvement in the war against Voldemort. She knew everything there was to know about Harry at the beginning of PS, wouldn’t she also know about the Blacks? It would be in the books I’d say.
Some nit-picking before I have to go back to work:
“As much as we want to take credit for this marvelously prank...” Marvelous needs to be an adjective here, because the word describes the following noun, not a verb.
“Typical Weasley, trying to cover up for one another’s blotches. Dumbledore probably made that buffoon a prefect, just to show that he treats trash just as fairly as he do other students.” Don’t forget the s, if you have present tense third person singular. It has to be ‘he does’ here.
Harry is now thoroughly confused. You’ve been telling the whole story in past tense so far, keep doing it. ‘Harry was …’
“A thestal, a flying horse with bat-like wings, it symbolizes death. A dark unicorn, an innately magical monster that brings death and diseases. Lastly a hinoema, a fire horse that wrecks havoc wherever it goes and consumes everything in its path." Small typo, they’re called thestrals, not thestals.
Orion Black, known for his knowledge of dark magic and power
All those who face him shivers and cowers
Your subject in the second line ‘all those’ is plural, so you don’t need the s at the end of ‘shiver’ and ‘cower’.
The verses at the end, when the book is ‘talking’ are brilliant. They make this section really stand out and give the ‘book’ a unique voice. I can’t wait to read what Sirius is going to learn about his family through the book.
Hermione? I figured since she\'s Muggle, her family didn\'t experience the atrocities first hand and test books tends to give a much watered down version of some facts (at least bad ones they elaborate a lot on the achievements) I doubt that she\'ll know the who\'s who of the Death Eaters at that age ... I culd be wrong ofcourse.
Thankd for all those corrections again. I\'ll go and fix them.
O my god, I nearly killed myself laughing when Sirius talked to McGonagall! The cheek of him to speak to a professor like that! Your Sirius is brilliant, soo funny. At times he seems to be older than he actually is, but then he goes and does something stupid or childish and he's the typicical 11-year old again. Towards the end of this chapter I felt really sorry for him, it can't be easy to be hated or feared by everyone or nearly everyone. You managed to convey his emotions pretty well there.
Harry's dream was interesting. I'm curious what role Sirius will play in the events of Harry's first year and how his presence will affect Harry and his friends.
Some nit-picky things I noticed:
“Don’t ye worry about me, Harry. Me skin is tougher than most.” The giant smiled down at concerned boy “Now go get yerself a boat.” I'm not sure if there's a rule for this, but I would add 'the' in front of 'concerned boy'. It feels right that way.
A handful of first years who have also recovered from their shock, chuckled as well. 'Have' has to be in past tense here.
A few feet away, Harry Potter have similar thoughts. Same as above, 'have' has to be 'had'.
He glared at the red curtains that surrounded his bed as he fumed about gits who does not understand his need to brood. 'Gits' and 'does' don't match, it either has to be 'a git who does' or 'gits who do'. And once again you use present tense where there should be past tense.
Professor McGonagall, brought Sirius to the Gryffindor Common Room. You don't need the comma in this sentence. Another small mistake, 'common room' isn't written with capital letters. You told me that for one of my fics, didn't you?^^
Hey Miel, I'm back! *lol* Told you, you wouldn't get rid of me.^^
Another very good chapter, although I have to say, that Remus's dream at the end and his memory issues interested me more than Sirius, Harry and Ron's fight. The first part with the three boys, their problems and the pranks was nice and entertaining. But Remus's dream showed why the story is placed in the Mystery-category again. I was sitting on the edge of my seat and literally couldn't read fast enough, then when I was done I had to go back and reread the whole dream sequence to make sure I caught every little detail.
I like how you include Hermione into the group right from the start. But where was Neville in this chapter? Even Seamus and Dean were mentioned when Sirius came back from his detention, but Neville was nowhere to be seen. I hope you haven't forgotten about him.
Sirius smiled, as he sometimes forget that Harry, although a full blooded wizard, was raised in the non-magical world. The part about Sirius forgetting that Harry has been raised by Muggles sounds as if Harry and Sirius have known each other for quite some time. Your usage of 'sometimes' suggests that Sirius has forgotten about it in the past and continues to do so. This isn't possible, because they just met the day before. If you change it to 'he had forgotten' it shows that while Sirius knows this, he hasn't been around Harry for long and forgot, because if he would have been around Harry for a while he would probably be used to him not knowing about some wizarding traditions.
“War is a terrible thing, isn’t it Remus? It reveals the dark inner conflict within us. It unmasks and shows us the ugliness, cruelty, and inhumanity lurking within. It destroys all that was once innocent, good, and pure. We lose more friends than we gain allies. There are no true heroes in war, only victims. I know you can’t hear me now, but I have to say I’m sorry. Voldemort may be gone, but it’s not yet over. Funny, isn’t it? It was so much easier then, I knew Voldemort was evil and choosing sides was so simple ... so black and white...but, it’s not so easy now. Now all I see are shades of gray. I have chosen my shade of gray. I’m sorry, I cannot go against my family. I only pray that when you wake up, you’ll stay away from this conflict, else next time we meet, it will be as enemies. Farewell, my friend.” This speech is so deep (for lack of better word), it sent shivers down my spine. I know lots of people have had similar things about war, but if it's done well it moves me every time. I love your choice of words, the words say so much about Regulus in such a short span of time. You can feel how conflicted he is. His farewell at the end sounded so final, and in a way it is, because he didn't only say goodbye to his friend, but also to a part of himself that would be lost if he followed the darker path he had chosen for himself. This is the best passage of this chapter, the whole fic up until now even!
^_^ I think you\'re the first to mention about that passage ... an indication that I ought to do more serious scenes than all those fooling around.
Another lovely light-hearted chapter. I like the pranks you think of, they’re not too elaborate for first years to carry out, but they’re still funny. I would have liked to see Snape myself, though. Hearing Percy’s account of what Penelope overheard in the Hospital Wing was nice, but I think the prank would have been even funnier, if you would have shown it directly.
The encounter with the Kelpie made me curious to find out more about the Blacks, but with all the pranks the actual mystery in your story seems to be taking second place in this chapter. The last chapter ended with a lot of suspense, because of the dream sequence, but this chapter didn’t pick up there at all. The suspense was completely lost in the transition, and while I like these fun chapters, I would have liked to see you carry the suspense from the dream into this chapter and maybe shed some light on the past.
Another thing that stood out to me during the Kelpie scene was that Sirius and Harry seem to know an awful lot of spells. While you can justify Sirius’ knowledge with saying that Kingsley and Moody showed him some spells, Harry doesn’t have an excuse to know this much after only a few days of school. It’s simply not possible for someone who has never cast a spell before to learn four or five spells in one or two days.
There were also a number of grammar issues that stood out to me:
When you incorporate dialogue in your sentences, you don’t put any punctuation mark in front of it quite often. This is simply wrong, there has to be either a comma or a full stop in front of the speech. You put a comma when the sentence in front of the speech refer to the way a character is saying something, and a full stop, when it doesn’t refer to the dialogue at all.
Another punctuation issue I noticed was that you sometimes don’t put a comma in front of the name of someone that is addressed. For example here: ”What are you gonna do about it Weasley?” There should be a comma in front of ‘Weasley’.
Another thing I wanted to mention briefly are the serious-Sirius pun and the whole Sirius-McGonagall angle. The serious-Sirius pun is getting really old by now, but what made it work in your fic, is that you said it was a bad pun right after Harry made it. This shows that you yourself aren’t one of those, who think the pun is incredibly witty, but that you still know how to use it to your advantage. As for Sirius’ mannerism towards McGonagall, I feel that it’s getting old very fast. It was funny the first time around, but having something similar in this chapter doesn’t seem to serve any purpose but renewing an old joke. I would be careful with repeating jokes or funny behaviour like this, because it can bore readers very quickly.
I feel like I’ve totally torn the chapter to pieces, which wasn’t what I wanted to do. I actually enjoyed reading it, I’m just in a very nit-picky mood tonight.
to fix or not to fix, that is the question... (kidding!) I\'ll fix it. ^_^
*giggle* who could resist the old Serious-Sirius pun *lol* no Sirius fic is complete without it *lol*
Wow, I'm truly at a loss of words. This story really moved me and made me think. I'd like to comment on a few things that stood out to me:
First of all Snape's character. Keeping Snape in character is one of the most difficult things in HP fanfiction, I myself failed terribly when I tried, but you seem to have a really good grasp of his character. Both the young and the older Snape were very in character and a definite maturing could be seen in him from the 11-year-old to the adult Snape who is recalling all this. I felt sorry for him the whole time, although he didn't seem to pity himself, which is good because I don't think Snape is the type to pity anyone, least of all himself.
Then I liked how you handled the issue of domestic violence. You only hinted at what Snape's dad did to him and his mum and showed it indirectly through his mum's reaction to her husband's death. I prefer this subtle approach to actually showing the physical abuse, because it has a bigger impact on me and really makes me think. If there's to much violence I just skip parts or stop reading altogether.
What else is there to say? I simply loved your fic, although it made me incredibly sad, because such things occur in some families and I can't do anything about it.
Now I feel really sorry for Severus! This second half of your story broke my heart. Why does she have to choose James over Severus again? Does she really believe she will be safer with him? Her reasoning sounded a little naive to me, almost desperate.
Even though I prefer happy endings, this ending was perfect for your story. A happy ending wouldn't have fit in with the rest of the story and it would have completely destroyed the effect the story had on me.
If I remember them correctly, all the questions I had at the end of part 1 were answered here. The backstory you included in this chapter included everything important to understand how they got to where they are at the time of the story. The pairing works flawlessly. I especially like the dynamics of their relationship. Their complete love on one side, but the lack of trust between them on the other side make for an explosive relationship, as was shown in your story by their arguments that ended without a resolution, just because they didn't want to fight anymore.
I feel that I should say more, but I can't think of anything worthwhile. I love your writing style, the story flows beautifully and it doesn't take any effort to read it. I especially like that you don't use 'said' or equivalents all over the place but simply put the characters' words without explaining how they say them at times.
She’d assumed though that he wasn’t the marrying type. I feel that there should be a comma after 'though'.
Her smile shined clearly in the sunlight, her golden-brown ringlets fluttering in the wind. It has to be 'her smile shone', the verb isn't regular.
If he wants Harry dead, then he will stop ant nothing. Small typo, it has to be 'at' not 'ant' here.
Wow! This is awesome, Laura! You truly have a way with words. I love your descriptions, especially the one of the meadow at the beginning that you interweave with descriptions of your characters. Those really show what your characters are feeling through their actions, and the way you add details about the wood and the sky enhances that even more.
I've never read a Severus/Lily fic before and I always doubted it would be possible to pull it off after their Hogwarts days, when Lily is with James, but you dispelled those doubts with just the first part of your story. I like your explanation for why Lily starts to hang out with James. I can see her not wanting to disrupt the comradery in Gryffindor House by fighting with James and thus starting to be nice to him. What I can't figure out is why she agreed to marry him, if she was dating Severus at the time. Or was it because of the fight her and Severus had on their last day of school? I hope you clear that up in Part 2, but other than that the reasoning behind her and James's growing friendship is flawless.
Severus is well done, too. I wonder why he ever became a Deatheater, though, he sounds like he hated it, even before hearing the prophecy. You'll explain that in Part 2, right? I like Severus's self-conciousness and that he thinks he doesn't deserve someone like Lily. It makes him human to know that he is troubled and doesn't always know the right thing to do. I can't help but feel kind of sorry for him, although I doubt he would want that.
A small white hand clutched onto a fistful of mattered black mane, whilst she kissed the coal-black stubble on the man’s cheek. Do you mean 'a fistful of matted black mane'? 'Mattered' sounds wrong to me.
He sat down on the rickety stool, after placing it the other side of a door, which was slightly ajar so that a pool of light spread across the floor. This has to be 'after placing it on the other side of the door'.
Severus picked himself up and opened his mouth to apologise; he didn’t get chance, however. 'He didn't get a chance' would sound a bit better, and I think there has to be an article there anyway.
Eventually she had plucked up to courage to ask him for help. Small typo, you meant 'the courage' instead of 'to courage', right?
I really liked this chapter. Changing POV so often can be quite annoying, but it worked well for this chapter so I'm not complaining. Getting to know both characters' feeling and thoughts is quite nice for me as a reader, and I think you found the perfect balance between showing scenes from both POVs and not being too repetitive. Well done.
So far I like your Draco and Ginny a lot, they are unique but still close enough to canon to be believable. Although they were only there for a small scene I think Harry, Ron and Hermione were even better done still. I can just see Hermione trying to keep them from argueing and then being shocked when she finds out that Ginny is failing two of her classes.
Saving best for last I'll come to the scene up in the Astronomy Tower. That was soo cute. How they bonded without knowing who their companion was and didn't think to ask either. I can't wait to find out how Ginny will take the knowledge that it was Draco and how she will return his cloak, of course. I hope you update soon^^
This story put a huge smile on my face, even though today has been really stressful and hectic. Just by reading this little fic I feel so much more relaxed than I did before.
I love your writing style. Your sentences flow effortlessly and I didn't find so much as one word that didn't seem to fit. You mention a huge amount of details and I'd normally say that it would be too much for a one-shot, but your story doesn't get cluttered anywhere. I could see the scene in my mind, that's how real it felt.
I love the message this story conveys. I've seen it used in a number of TV shows I used to watch when I was younger and it always moved something inside of me. This time was no different. I really want to go out of my way to help people now, but sadly this will only last for a week tops. Anyway, the way you tried to convey your message was very well done.
Your characterisation of Kingsley was brilliant. His insecurity where small children are concerned is endearing, especially when the little girl has to run to keep up with him. This just shows his lack of experience with children and is a good example of how much attention you pay to details that most readers probably won't think about twice. I love all these little things that author's work into their fics, the ones that might be overlooked if I'm not careful while reading.
The observations Kingsley makes about Harry, Ron and Hermione and the dynamics of their group towards the end capture the essence of their characters perfectly. I've never thought about them a whole lot, but your statements ring true and made me think about them a bit more.
I really enjoyed reading this. You're an awesome writer, Seren, keep up the good work.
Your story was a magnificent read and I really like the way you explored Blaise's character. His feelings towards his mother are very believable. The flashback to his encounter with McLaggen was very well done, I can imagine McLaggen behaving like this. Hermione was in character as well. Your portrayal of her was brilliant, especially the part where she has to trust Blaise to help her but is still uneasy about it and afraid that he won't help her at all but just lead her somewhere horrible.
I was confused by the flashbacks at the beginning, because you didn't change the tense when one of them started but after the second flashback I developed the feel for them and just knew when another one was about to start.
Your plot is really unique and I liked the old torture chambers down in the dungeons, all very believable. This was well worth the read.
This is a brilliant story. I love the atmosphere you created, it's perfectly haunting. I could really feel the loss all these people had to ensure. The way that all of them try not to notice the differences in each other really showed how much is changed by war, even if you're trying to return to normal, nothing will ever be the same.
I can't say that I particularly like Peter, but it's nice to see him as not just a tag-along. I really felt sorry for him when he was hiding under his bed every time the other Marauders came to visit him.
I like your writing style. The bits of the poem that were scattered throughout the fic added to the haunting quality of it and really showed the emotions of the characters. I, too, think that some of your sentences were a bit too long and had to many commas in them. I love your extensive imagery, but in some places you could have made two sentences out of one and it still would have had the same effect, if not a slightly more intensive one. The use of both short and long sentences made this story an interesting read, it didn't become boring because of too many long sentences, it has the perfect mixture of long and short sentences and kept me hooked from start to finish.
I liked this story a lot. I never would have guessed it was Lucius narrating it, but it fits. I was thinking if he would really show himself in public with Bella and the others so close after Voldemort's fall, but I think he would, because at that point in time they weren't convicted as Death Eaters yet. His character was spot on, as was Bella's. Barty Crouch Jr. was very nicely done, although I'm not too sure if it's possible for him to have been friends with Frank while he was at school. I always thought Frank would have been out of Hogwarts for a few years already when Crouch Jr. started, but that's just me, so you might be perfectly right in saying they were there together for at least a few years.
I like the way you structure this story, focusing on the dialogue to further the plot and only occasionally mentioning details about their surroundings, it gave the story a mysterious feeling. You created great suspense with not showing us who the narrator is at first, I never would have figured it out on my own, but it kept my mind occupied the whole time. I, too, was surprised that Bella didn't try to talk Lucius into coming with them when they left, but then again she was so far gone in her fantasies of bringing Voldemort back, that she mightn't have noticed him staying behind like Rabastan did.
This story certainly was different from anything I’ve ever read, but different is good, in fact, it’s brilliant in this case. It took a bit to get used to the style of this piece, but then it just flowed. The dialogue, even though you didn’t put any quotation marks, didn’t give me any problems. If anything it was easier to read and fit better with the mood of the story without the quotation marks. I don’t know why, but I think quotation marks would have somewhat ruined the atmosphere and the flighty, barely-there feeling of the piece.
I always look out for imagery in a story, mostly because I don’t use much in my own stories or the images don’t convey what I want them to, but imagery is always one of the first things I notice about a story. Two images stood out to me here. First the image of Hermione’s childhood, in which the backdoor is also the door to her imagination. I loved how even as a small child, Hermione lived in two worlds, one the “real” Muggle world, and one the world of her imagination, where magic is possible and fairies and dragons exist. Even though she doesn’t know that she really belongs to that world and is, in fact, a witch, she already lives in it.
The second image was even more powerful, the image of the wall separating her two worlds from each other a few years later again. While she didn’t know she was a witch, the wall was there but with entering Hogwarts, it crumbled. Then it comes back and Hermione has to work even harder to make it crumble this time, it’s not effortless anymore and she isn’t a child anymore. I don’t know if it was your intention, but to me this conveyed the passage from being a child to being an adult, where things that were easy once, become harder and where people really have to work for what they believe in. Childhood is simply compared to adulthood, and this image showed that beautifully, even if it maybe meant something completely different, this is what it suggested to me.
Hermione’s situation as you portray it in this story is one only a few fanfic authors touch upon, but I believe it is one of the problems every Muggleborn witch or wizard faces at one point in their life. They are, as you showed us, part of two worlds, but living in two worlds is nearly impossible, there will always be one world that has to take the backseat. But how do you choose between your family and your friends? I think this story made this issue obvious and it’s very IC for Hermione to try the impossible and live in both worlds, not losing either her parents or her friends and her magic. During her school years it wouldn’t have been as hard, but after her Hogwarts years keeping in touch with her roots, so to speak, while living in the wizarding world and fighting in its war, would be difficult to say the least.
Mrs. Granger’s reaction to her conversation with Hermione is exactly how I imagine a mother would react when her child tells her she has to fight a war and might die. I can understand her reaction, and yet I felt sad for Hermione who nearly lost her family, because her mother couldn’t see how important this was for her daughter, and the whole world. I’m glad Hermione could make her mother see why she has to go away with Ron and Harry, but this whole conversation can’t have been easy on Hermione and you showed that brilliantly in her breakdown after she leaves the house.
The breakdown also shows how much Hermione depends on Harry and Ron and how strong their friendship is, because they are right there for her and help her when she needs them, as she would do for them. It’s the perfect ending for a story that has been mostly about Hermione and her strength in remaining in both worlds, but in the end she isn’t alone and has friends who will help her through anything.
She shows him the living room, offering him a cup or tea. ‘Or’ needs to be ‘of’ here, just a small typo.
As I said before, this story is simply brilliant. I don’t think my review did it justice, but it moved me deeply and I’m glad I got the chance to read it.
Author's Response: Oh. My. I\'m floored by this review. Yes, I can understand when people say \"Well, you needed quotation marks,\" but when someone comes along and s/he completely understands what you\'re trying to say, it\'s amazing. That someone is you - you\'re amazing! This review was so carefully thought-out that it makes writing all the worth while.
Imagery is possibly one of my most favorite figures of speech, and I use it as much as possible, being visually oriented. I\'ve always imagined the door as opening and then the scene being enveloped in light. Quite cinematic, in fact. I\'m glad that you understood that image and the next. And I wrote that metaphor because
it seemed cool I knew it was going to parallel a lot of things for a lot of people. I definitely agree that it can also describe the passage from child to adult.
Muggleborn witches and wizards have always been fascinating to me. I was one of those kids who really hoped they\'d receive a letter from Hogwarts after they turned eleven, and I\'ve always fantasised about turning magical and being, obviously, from a \"Muggle\" background. I planned out how I’d be told, how my family would react … yes. I was a complete fan. But here, on MNFF, you can take dreams like that and apply it.
You\'ve just ... gotten it. There\'s no other way to say it. You \"get\" everything. The ending? You interpreted it perfectly. Yes, she can’t do it on her own, and it costs her much more than she thought it would. I\'m going to stop rambling, because this\'ll turn out longer than your review, but thank you so much for this. Every compliment lifts me higher until I feel like I’m flying. It\'s the nicest feeling in the world, to have someone understand something you\'ve done. :)
It was full moon when the Dark Lord sealed a part of his soul within a magical amulet, and then broke it in half. One half was left to the faithful werewolves to guard. The other half was tossed into the impenetrable depths of time where no one but him could get it. When the first half has been found, the Order of the Phoenix selects Hermione Granger to go back into the past to search for the missing piece. What is waiting for her is a brutal task that will test her beyond her limits, and an undying love that extends beyond the boundaries of time.
No werewolves were harmed in the making of this story.
Update (9 May): Chapter 17, Burning, is up! Enjoy!
So Benjy Fenwick is indeed dead. Silly me thought he had died during a full moon. No idea where and how I came up with that. *facepalm* Good thing Remus put that note in Hermione’s pocket before she went back in time, or she would have had a huge problem on how to proceed in her mission. I wonder who the Order members were that were injured in the attack. Could it have been Caradoc Dearborn?
James is such a wonderful character in this story. The whole conversation with Hermione at the breakfast table made me soo sad. I wanted to hug him and make everything go away, or better yet, kill Peter before Voldemort gets a chance to go after James and Lily. All the things he said about enjoying every moment because he could die in the next twelve hours must have been hard for Hermione to hear, because she knew that he wouldn’t have that much longer to live and couldn’t do anything about it.
Hermione is such a sweetheart! I can just imagine Harry’s face when she comes back with the letters from his parents. Her ruse with the sociology project was a bit unimaginative, but it served its purpose. I just hope James and Lily finish their letters before Hermione goes back and Harry actually gets to see them.
I added your story to my favourites list, so that I won’t miss any new chapters. *hugs*
Wow, this chapter was a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me. I laughed, I sat at the edge of my seat, gripping the table until my knuckles turned white, and then I squeed over the final scene. I totally see why Preethi told me I would love this chapter more than all the others I have read so far, it’s spectacular.
Lily and James are just too funny. James is such a guy where Harry is concerned. It’s not as if Harry wasn’t wearing a diaper. *shakes head at James* I like how Lily and James still fight occasionally, even though they’re happily married and in love, plus imagining James planting flowers the muggle way is just insanely funny.
I’m totally jealous of Hermione for being able to go to the Ministry Archives. What I wouldn’t give to have a library this huge around where I could go to research. Sirius was too cute trying to get out of going there and then being appalled by the mountain of books Hermione gathered.
The attack on the Potters was so sudden, I was totally caught off guard by it. I was so afraid for the Potters and their friends, a total change from the light-hearted, playful mood of the beginning of the Marauder bits, but it finally made me realise that the time Hermione has gone back into is a time of war and fighting as well. The actual fighting scene was very well done, I think, I especially enjoyed James taunting the Death Eaters while fighting with them, it’s just something he would do. Lily, too, didn’t lose her special characteristics and became a hard fighter, which I liked a lot.
I‘m glad Harry was asleep and didn’t notice any of the fighting, he would have been scared to death had he been awake to hear all that before Hermione took him to safety.
The last scene with Hermione and Remus was incredibly sweet. If that doesn’t bring those two closer together, I don’t know what will!
Aww poor Remus! I felt really bad for him in this chapter, he goes through all this pain, imagining Hermione’s face to keep himself sane and get through it and then when he tells her his feelings she’s horrified.
I can understand Hermione’s feelings though. To her Remus is still her Professor, a younger version of her Professor, but that doesn’t change that much, and she knows that she will have to return to her time sooner or later, so she wouldn’t start a relationship when she knows she would have to hurt Remus in the end. She must feel awful, hurting him like this.
As the full moon reached its peak, every inch of Remus’s body tingled . . . and it wasn’t a pleasant sensation either. Knife-like stabs echoed throughout his limbs, and as the noxious madness crept into his brain, he screamed out in agony. The wolf was taking over. I loved this passage where you describe the agony Remus goes through while he changes. Even if I can’t really imagine the pain he must be going through, your description conveys how painful it is and also how long the transformation takes.
The flashback in this chapter, is that something that Remus remembers while changing, or did you just add it to show the significance of his hopes and feelings for Hermione? I tend to think he remembers it, because it seems as if the flashback triggers the realization that Hermione is exactly what he was looking for all his life, but I’m not sure.
The pre-full moon soreness is a very good idea, although I felt as if it was maybe a tad too strong. It seems almost as if the day before the full moon is worse than the day after, or equal. Still it shows how much time you spent going over every aspect of a werewolf’s life and this amount of detail makes it even harder to believe that some werewolves enjoy what they are and almost look forward to their transformations, like I expect Greyback to do.
I liked how you showed Hermione’s side in this chapter and let us see how she is feeling about the whole mess. Keeping her hands busy with mindless tasks, trying to lose herself in her books, those are reactions that I can see Hermione having to emotional upheaval like this and I feel as sorry for her as I do for Remus.
I was a bit surprised that it was Sirius who came into the kitchen when Hermione dropped the plate and that it was he who followed her up to her room to talk her into staying with Remus and not Lily, but I suppose Lily will try to get Hermione to talk to her later on when the two of them can be alone, because surely she can see that something is wrong just as well as Sirius can.
Sirius himself was brilliant, he displayed just the right amount of concern for Hermione and bitterness because she was hurting one of his best friends. I liked how you tied his temper in with the way Hermione thought him to be frightening after he escaped from Azkaban sometimes. This younger Sirius is so much more playful than his older version that it’s sometimes hard to see that they are the same character, but moments like this show that very well.
I don’t really have any concrit to give on this chapter, it’s simply too good. ;)
Lei, I’ve heard nothing but praise about this story for as long as I can remember, especially during Badger chats last year. I had planned to read it myself before, but I never quite got around to it. I’m glad Rachel picked this as the new SBBC story, so I can’t make any excuses about not reading it anymore. *giggles*
The first chapter just blew me away. All your characters are excellently characterised. I especially liked Hermione’s overwhelming worry for Harry and her need to know everything about his and Moody’s exploits before they’re even inside the house. I pity Ron for being at the wrong end of her temper, but it’s very like her to lash out at him in such a situation if only because he doesn’t show his worry like she does and in her worry, she doesn’t realise that he worries in his own way.
Now, what I loved most about this first chapter was all the stuff about feral werewolves. Whereas Remus tries to suppress his werewolf nature those creatures have embraced it and I can’t see Greyback or others like him living with normal wizards and being part of society, so their dark hide-outs were a very good idea. I also liked their aversion to sunlight, it reminded me of vampires a little, but it makes sense for werewolves who have gone feral to have it as well, because only at night during the full moon are they really free.
“Be wary, Potter,” Moody had said. “Feral werewolves can detect a person’s identity by the smell of their blood. Take extra care not to injure yourself.” I loved this. We never really get to know how a werewolves senses change when he changes from human to wolf, so it’s nice to see someone thinking about this aspect of lycanthropy and fleshing it out.
How did Harry and Moody communicate with their wands? It seemed almost as if they were using walkie-talkies or something similar. I don’t quite understand how it worked, but I’m totally in favour of using hidden communication methods like this, gives it a more mysterious, spy-like feel.
Lovely first chapter, Lei, you’re truly gifted.
Ooh, time travel! I’ve stumbled across too many stories on ff.net where Hermione or Ginny (or both) go back in time to when the Marauders were at Hogwarts by accident or without a tangible reason, to be really glad that you provided a valid reason for Hermione to travel back in time. I also think it’s good that you included that they can’t risk anyone running into his or her former self, as that shows the dangers of time travel and that it’s not a subject to treat lightly.
The looks Remus keeps sending Hermione have made me really curious in what circumstances they will meet in the past, because I have no doubt that they will meet. He wouldn’t have watched her with an unreadable look all the time, if there wasn’t something he was just remembering/piecing together.
Once again I have to commend you on Hermione’s characterisation, especially in this part, she was brilliant:
There was a moment of silence, and two pairs of worried eyes fixated on Harry’s face. Hermione felt her chest tighten. They had agreed to try to address the situation as normally and as casually as possible, but every time they discussed it, she felt as if an iron fist was crushing her heart into dust. She couldn’t just talk about it knowing that she and Ron really didn’t have any say in the final duel. It all came down to Harry and Voldemort. It was, and always would be, about the both of them.
It would be very weird if she could just talk about someone wanting to kill her best friend as if they were talking about tomorrow’s weather, but I like how she tried to do that to make things easier for Harry. There’s another passage later on, where she mentions how she felt when he had to go up against Voldemort or when he was suffering from nightmares, which I think shows what she must have felt perfectly. I never thought much about how Ron or Hermione must feel watching Harry go through all this, but now that I’ve read this I can see her feeling exactly like you wrote her feelings.
Wow, Lei, I’m glad I finally started reading this, it’s infinitely more interesting and exciting than I thought it would be.