I'm 19 years old and just graduated school, which leaves me with four months of summer holidays until I will hopefully start university in October.
I plan to spend most of that time writing or around the beta boards. I really want to finish Wedding Complications this summer, but other than that I won't make any promises as to what I write. All my plot bunnies pop up randomly and I never know what I might work on next. *giggles*
I'm a member of SPEW and the SBBC over on the beta boards and always looking for new stories to readand review. So if you want me to review one of your stories drop me a PM or write an email and I'll try to review your story within the week.^^
Abi! *hugs SPEW-buddy*
You know how hard it is to find a story on your Authorís page that hasnít been reviewed by three dozen SPEWers? You are certainly blessed with getting some amazing reviews. I know why, though, now that Iíve read one of your stories. Youíre an amazing writer!
I love these missing moments stories and you did a good job characterising Penelope Clearwater, a character that we never really see in the books. Percy, too, was very well done. I especially liked the way he reminded me of Ron at times, while still being his own character. For example the distinction he made between girls and Penelope, who he saw as he person, not a girl, until that one class when he realised she was actually a girl as well as a person. That reminded me of Ron and the way he sees Hermione a lot.
Percyís shyness was also an adorable character trait. I liked how it took him a while to be comfortable around Penelope, but then during the scene in the empty classroom you describe he was again self-assured, like we know him to be around his family.
Although Penelopeís reaction to being seen was nice as it showed a more light-hearted side of both her and Percy, I would have liked to know what she was feeling, because she was the one who wanted to keep their relationship a secret. Would they simply trust Ginny not to tell anyone, or would Penelope ask Percy to talk to his sister and make sure their secret was safe with her? Your story left these questions unanswered and I would have really liked to know how this affected the relationship of Percy and Penelope, or if it didnít affect it at all.
ĎWhat óí Percy began, but that was all her could get out before Penelope pushed him back against the door and pressed her mouth to his. I caught a small typo here, this should be Ďheí not Ďherí.
Youíve got a really lovely story here, Abi, I enjoyed reading it very much.
Oh wow, thatís certainly a pairing I never ever would have thought about on my own. I myself like to believe that Narcissa and Lucius do actually love each other and are happy in their own way, but thatís mostly because I love Narcissa and seeing her beaten and mistreated makes me sad. That being said I can totally see him lose it when he finds out that Narcissa cheats on him. Even if he loves her, and you mention once at least that he does, he would certainly not be ok with sharing her. The Ďif I canít have her, no one willí-attitude fits him as I see him as a very possessive person.
Peter is very nicely characterised. Among the Death Eaters he isnít respected, as shown in Spinnerís End, so he would be thankful for Narcissa so much as talking to him and paying attention to him, even if she only talks about herself, he would probably still be honoured that she lets him listen. I liked how he just blurted out that he loves her and she just continued talking while Peter was clearly horrified. But during her conversation with Peter, Narcissa seemed a bit off to me. I would have expected her to be more aloof and not talking about Lucius so freely, but maybe thatís just me.
The things Narcissa said to Lucius when he first found out about her affair puzzled me, why would she tell him she didnít want him to know? That would be the obvious thing to do when having an affair, right? Anyway, later on when she refused to leave Peterís side and instead chose to die with him over living without him, I really admired her. Sheís strong again in that scene, something she wasnít before and this inner strength makes her a beautiful person, even if she doesnít really sacrifice herself for her lover but simply decides that life without him but with Lucius isnít worth living. In the end she and Peter beat Lucius, in a way, because while he has his revenge, he has lost his wife that he only just realised he loved after all.
But before he let go of her, he threw her into the ground, and she hit her knees and elbows hard on the floor. I think this should be Ďontoí, because she would be lieing on the floor and not in the floor afterwards.
Lucius had become so insanely jealous of Pettigrewís pass on his wife (someone that he hadnít cared about until he had unknowingly shared her) that he now was seeking revenge. Since he wasnít going to bring the other Death Eaters into this act, he felt as if he were doing Peter a favour in being merciful, sparing him the harshest of agonies. The part in brackets makes this sentence slightly awkward, maybe you could make a whole sentence out of it? Something along the lines of: ĎHe had never before cared for her until he found out that he had unknowingly shared her with someone else, but now his desired for her to be his alone wouldnít let him rest until Pettigrew had paid.í Also I donít exactly understand the second sentence. What would the Death Eaters have done to Peter that is so much more agonising than what Lucius did?
He whispered into her ear, ďI lie.Ē He obviously made this deal with Narcissa before they left for the hiding place, so shouldnít it be ĎI liedí?
A truly unique pairing and while I canít see it working out in canon this way, it certainly works in this story. I like how dark the story is and how you chose very dark imagery to go along with it. My favourite image is the last one: Luciusís poison running through Peter and Narcissa like blood, that made me shudder.
Author's Response: Oh, wow, thanks so much for this lovely review, Ilka! *hugs and hugs and hugs* And thanks so much for pointing out all of these things--- I\'ll have to go back and fix those in a bit. I really appreciate you taking the time to tell me what you did and did not like and read this story. I appreciate it! ~Lindsey :)
Rhi, you amaze me! There have been quite a few George-without-Fred stories popping up all over the fandom, but I have stayed away from them so far, because I didnít think most of them could do the loss George must be feeling justice. He lost his twin brother after all and the closeness they had is hard enough to get right, without adding the loss of it onto that. You manage to convey the depth of Fred and Georgeís relationship and the crippling pain and loss George feels after his brotherís death fantastically.
The pain latched its greedy tendrils around his heart, its spiked nails anchoring deep into his flesh. I love all the imagery you use, but this has to be one of my favourite images. Itís so violent and painful and it really made me realize how much Fred and George were an entity and not two separate beings. There are quite a few images I loved throughout the story: Fred and George as a jigsaw or as the opposite of Siamese twins one person, forever trapped in different bodies, the marvellous personification of Death in the beginning, to only name a few. All of them put together painted a vivid picture of Georgeís pain that is despite the sadness of what it shows a true masterpiece!
He had thought magic could conquer anything. Now, he knew the truth. It conquered nothing; but merely gave false platitudes and sweet illusions. Here we are, or maybe not we but a lot of other people, wishing we could do magic and thinking all our problems would be solved for us then, when what you write here is true, magic canít combat death or natural disasters and it doesnít mean there will be no more war or suffering, itís really not the answer to any important questions or problems. Itís a very discouraging truth, but itís the truth nonetheless.
He was broken now. I liked the repetition of this one sentence very much. Repetition seems to be the favourite tool of D/A authors and lots of them use too many or unfitting repetitions, but you placed them very well so they added to the atmosphere of the story and didnít distract from it. The quotes after this repeated line were nice, although in the beginning of the story they seemed to lack an actual connection to the narrative. Towards the end you the quotesí general idea seemed to be picked up again in the narrative after the quote and they added a whole new depths to the story, but in the beginning they seemed very random and I had no idea why they were there as they didnít seem to serve any purpose.
From the womb onwards they had been one unit [Ö] George couldnít understand how, now, to act solely on his own. This is such a heartbreaking though. Itís like he has to learn how to live all over again, because he has never had to do anything alone and he doesnít even get time to get used to doing smaller things on his own and then more and more; no, he has to do everything on his own right away. Kind of like throwing a child into the water and telling them to swim without explaining and teaching them how to.
The tears had dried up now, evaporated under the fierce heat of his pain. The tears recognised him as broken; a worthless endeavour on their part to stay. When Iím feeling sad or lonely or after a particularly vicious fight with my parents a good cry always makes me feel better. Itís like the tears wash the hurt, anger and pain away and I can go on again. I canít imagine not being able to cry and have this outlet for my emotions, I donít know how I would function. Poor George! As harsh as it sounds, but it would have been better if he had died with his brother and could have been spared this suffering.
Youíre an amazingly talented writer, Rhi, this story is a real gem and Iím glad I read it.
Author's Response: Thanks so much. I don't even know how to reply to this review, it's so beautiful. All I can say is thank you for having so much to comment on, you've really made my day! x
Marie! I know itís been ages since I asked for stories to review, but I didnít particularly feel like writing reviews ever since I got home. So this took a while, but I didnít forget about it. ;) Iím intrigued by this story, very intrigued, and hope the next chapter will be up quite soon, maybe even with answers to my questions.
What I want to know most is who Eric Knight is. I feel as if there is a hint in the name he gave Emmeline, but I canít figure it out if it is there. Iíve never been good with figuring out JKRís hints either, but I always loved going back and seeing all that I missed and wondering how I could not see what it meant and I have the feeling that I will do that with this story, too. If thereís no hint in the name, ignore all the rambling I just did, but if there was a hint, even though I didnít have a clue what it could mean, it got me thinking, so Iíd say it accomplished what it was supposed to do and I leave the figuring out of hints to other, more clever people.
Before I say something about Emmelineís character: Is she muggleborn? The way you wrote this chapter with her leaving the wizarding world and this Eric character trying to get her to join the Order, but not her family, I had the feeling she was. And if she isnít, I donít get why the family now lives in a Muggle neighbourhood and not in a wizarding village anymore.
Anyway, I think Emmeline is great. For someone that young she is very selfless. It might make me a bad person, but I canít really imagine giving up my job and my whole life basically to care for my sick brother 24/7. I would try and find a way to make the potions for him while at work and organise a system with all my siblings and parents over who watches him when, but I donít think I could give it all up without a second thought like Emmeline did. I also admire her for staying strong while watching her brother lie in bed day in day out and only getting marginally better. It has to be very frustrating, but sheís so calm. I donít know, personally I think sheís trying to not let on how afraid she is for her brother in front of her parents because she doesnít want to worry them, but that still makes her a very strong character in my book.
Iím curious to see what will happen to her when she joins the Order and how she will cope with not knowing exactly how her brother is doing and not being able to check on him. I love how strong she is, but everyone has a breaking point and I hope she does reach hers in the course of the story and outwardly shows that she worries or that she is scared or something like that. Not that I want her to suffer, but no one can stay calm in every situation and Iíd be interested to see how you portray Emmeline losing control.
I guess Iíve rambled long enough, but I enjoyed this first chapter a lot and am looking forward to more. *hugs* Ilka
Draco/Ginny is and always has been my OTP, but I don’t think I’ve ever read a Draco/Ginny story that wasn’t AU after DH came out. I quite like the way you stayed true to canon here. It’s very sad and melancholy, but also very beautiful. The parallel structure you use to show that Ginny and Draco feel and act the same way, even though they don’t know it, is a very poignant way to show how right they are for each other and how similar they are. It’s as if the other one is present during their walks, even though they are miles apart, they are very close in their thoughts.
They had chosen, and had chosen wrong. This line is, in my opinion, the most tragic in the whole story. It carries the weight of all Ginny and Draco’s feelings in it. For me it was more emotional than Draco finding out that Ginny is dead or his visit to her grave. This is the one line that nearly made me tear up, because this is the point where it all starts going wrong. Before this moment they still had a choice, they could have chosen each other and happiness against all odds, but they didn’t, and now they can’t undo their choice and have to settle for second best and maybe a little sliver of happiness when they could have had it all.
Draco stared up at the trees as he walked back home, decades later. […] He stared as the red-orange leaves fell apart.
He shuddered, and looked up at the fire. But it was out, like last night. He doubted it would ever be lit again. I like these two images and how they tie in with the image you used earlier of Ginny lighting up Draco’s life and being the only light during his darkest hour. The leaves represent the smaller image, leading up to the more powerful fire image nicely. At first summer is over, signifying Ginny’s death, but summer will come back, so the image doesn’t carry the finality that the fire image does. The fire image to me symbolizes how Draco will never be warm and happy again, that there’s an essential part of his life is gone and he will never be able to get it back.
I also really really liked that Astoria knew that Draco loved another woman and that he wanted to be alone on his walks to think about his lost chances. At first she seemed to be a rather simple woman, but this shows that she really does know Draco and that he is indeed lucky to have her, maybe luckier than Ginny, because even though Harry jokes about her wanting to see if the world is still out there, I don’t think he really gets the significance these walks have for Ginny.
Every aspect of your story taken together it makes for a lovely read and is a pice of writing I will definitely recommend to others.