I'm 19 years old and just graduated school, which leaves me with four months of summer holidays until I will hopefully start university in October.
I plan to spend most of that time writing or around the beta boards. I really want to finish Wedding Complications this summer, but other than that I won't make any promises as to what I write. All my plot bunnies pop up randomly and I never know what I might work on next. *giggles*
I'm a member of SPEW and the SBBC over on the beta boards and always looking for new stories to readand review. So if you want me to review one of your stories drop me a PM or write an email and I'll try to review your story within the week.^^
I finally have some time on my hands to leave a review. I've been reading your story for quite a while now, it's actually the only story I've read on MNFF so far and I love it.
Both characters and plot are great. I love every little detail you manage to include in your fic. The way your main plot and your sub plots are entwined is remarkable. You kept me guessing the whole time and each chapter, while it answers some of my questions, raises a whole lot more. I can only read one or two chapters every other day so it will probably take me another month to finish your fic but I can tell you now that I'll start reading its sequel as soon as I'm finished with this one.
Your characterisation are brilliant. I especially love Neville, there's so much to him while he still remains the insecure, shy boy JK introduced to us in SS/PS. And Maeve is just extraordinary. It's like she's always belonged into the potterverse. She's so likeable but also has her flaws, I love how we get to know more and more of her past as the story continues. Snape is also very IC, your fic has made me like him, even though he isn't exactly a nice person.
Are you Irish or are you just interested in the country? I myself love Ireland since I lived there as part of an exchange for nine months last year.
Anyway, I'm off to read the next chapter.
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing, Ilka! I had great fun with the characters, they're all so good to me that they made it easy. Neville is a delightful character and, for me, one of the stars of the books. Another Snape convert! Hee hee...it's my mission in life to convert everyone to Snape. :-) I am Irish, but grew up in England. Needless to say, I go back a fair bit and am very familiar with the history and mythology. Hope you enjoy the rest of the fic and the sequel.... the sequel is a little more gloomy, what with the war and everything... but it still has its light moments.
So this is it, right? It really is a shame that such a brilliant story has to end, but at least there is a sequel to it, which will more than likely keep me occupied for quite a long time, considering my rather hectic life at the moment.
The grande finale in Abbeylara was thrilling. I nearly forgot the two healers you introduced into your story in one of the earlier chapters, but bringing them back for those scenes in St. Mungos showed again how every little detail you write has a place in your story and a role to play before the end. I'm so glad Arthur is well again. I was frightened for him when some of the other sleepers died because of previous injuries.
Then there's Roderick. He's still an enigma to me but I can't make myself not like him. I had tears in my eyes when Maeve thought he had died. It was a really brave thing to do to 'sacrifice' himself to get the vapour and I admire him for that. I'm so glad you brought him back in the epilogue, I hope we'll see him again in the sequel.
One thing I didn't like all that much was how easy it was for Roderick to persuade Lucius and Bellatrix to do what he wanted them to do. Especially Lucius seemed too readily persuaded. I always imagined those two to hardly trust anyone and to never go with anyone else's plans before they haven't done their own planning and plotting. It works for your fic but generally speaking I think of them as steadfaster to their own plans.
On to the epilogue. The wedding was hilarious and made for a nice, lighthearted finish after the story had gotten darker as it went on. Maeve and Hermione's dresses were hilarious and I especially liked Maeve's payback. I'm glad that Remus finally found someone to occupy his mind with instead of thinking about Maeve and Snape. Snape's jealousy was quite delightful as well.
I love how you managed to get some kind of truth between Harry and Snape without any OOC-ness. Thos scenes, Snape's apology and later Harry's apology were the highlights of the whole epilogue. This had to be one of the best HP fanfics I've read so far and I've read quite a lot.
What a sad and beautiful story. I loved every sentence of it! The beginning was great and your descriptions during the wedding reception scene were superb.
"It's beautiful out here," she whispered.
"Yes," Harry replied softly, staring into his wife's eyes intently, "it certainly is."
Your description up to this point was already fabulous and created a wonderful atmosphere, but these two lines of simple dialogue captured the mood even more perfectly. I donít know why, but the simple words they use here in contrast to the rather elaborate picture your description paints made the atmosphere seem even more real and tangible.
I like how Ron doesnít leave Hermione alone on such a painful day, but tries to help her deal with the loss of Harry, even though he himself is still trying to deal with it. Dancing with Hermione next to her and Harry in her pensieve must have been hard on him, seeing Harry alive in her memories and yet knowing that he is dead canít have been easy, but it shows what a great friend Ron is and how strong his friendship with Hermione and Harry is.
The night air was absolutely perfect. There was not a cloud in the sky, and hundreds of tiny candles emitted a warm glow apon the wedding guests smiling faces.
Thereís a small typo in this sentence, Ďabsolutelyí is spelled with the Ďeí after the Ďtí. Then in the second sentence it should be Ďuponí, not Ďaponí that word doesnít exist as far as I know.
During their seventh year, Hermione and her close friends said 'I love you' to each other almost everyday. It became a natural thing for them to say to each otherÖ
Maybe this is just me, but I find it really hard to picture Ron, Harry and Hermione saying ĎI love youí to each other all the time. It sure shows how friendship can grow into real love when Harry suddenly changes the words slightly, but I find it a bit hard to believe.
"Hey," Ron said quietly as he saw her eyes open. "How are you doing?" he asked cautiously. He knew this was her first anniversary without Harry.
I feel the last sentence of this paragraph is slightly redundant. Of course Ron would know that itís their anniversary and with Harry dead for only a few months I donít think he could forget either that or that Hermione is alone on the anniversary.
I didnít mean to sound like I didnít like your story, because I honestly did. Itís very emotional and made me incredibly sad, but your writing is also very beautiful!
Nice continuation of what you started in chapter one. I canít wait to read on and find out how Ron will react to meeting Hannah, but I thought Iíd leave you a review first. Plus, weíre only discussing the first two chapters in the SBBC this weekÖ ^^
I love how Hermione made a list of reasons not to have the baby organised by choices and colour coded, that made me laugh out loud. And the exam-like preparation before talking to her parents. Thatís Hermione at her most nervous and endearing. Itís nice to see that you kept this character trait although you made the characters older and more mature, itís something that I donít think Hermione will ever truly lose.
What did surprise me though was this line, during Hermioneís conversation with her parents: Her parents respected her wishes and asked their daughter to phone them when the baby was born. I expected Hermione to visit her parents all the time and her mother to be there with her when she gave birth, even though she did it in a wizarding hospital, I think there would have been some way to have Mrs Granger there along with Mrs Weasley. Itís just a small detail, but I expected Hermione to want her mother around along with Molly, after all Molly might be a second mother to her, but she just isnít her real mother and that makes a difference, in my opinion.
I love how Hermione doesnít tell Ron because she doesnít want to spoil his life. Thatís like her, to think of others first and put her own happiness behind that of her loved ones. The two years apart from Ron canít have been easy for her but still she made sure that he could live his life like he wanted to and carried the burden of having a daughter at such a young age all by herself. My heart broke for her when Ron introduced Miranda, but I was expecting something like this when Hermione received Ronís last and longest letter. It didnít sound like a break was what he wanted, but that he wanted to prepare her for a break up when he comes back. Poor Hermione!
Thank god Hannah is alright! Is it just me or was that bit of accidental magic she did to counter the charm quite strong? Not that thereís anything wrong with that, it seems fitting that Ron and Hermioneís daughter should be quite powerful because both her parents are powerful in their own way.
I loved how Ron took charge of the situation and didnít freeze. When it comes down to it Ron has always been dependable in the books and this wouldnít be any different. I liked how you tied this incident back to the books by mentioning how terrified he was of spiders but went into the Forbidden Forest with Harry to save Hermione.
Now St. Mungoís: We donít know a lot about how it works and how you are admitted there, so there are hardly any rules we have to follow in creating it. You portrayed St. Mungoís very believable and managed to give some sort of character to the hospital and its employees (especially the receptionist and her Witch Weekly were hilarious) without taking the focus off of Ron, Hermione and Hannah. The hospital shop or whatever it is where Ron and Arthur went to get the coffees was also nicely done and fit into the magical environment perfectly.
Iím glad Ron started to think about some of the issues with Miranda and Hermione even before Arthur talked to him, but I canít help but love Arthur all the more for trying to make Ron see what is right in front of his eyes, but not dictate what he should do. I imagine it canít be easy for Arthur to stay objective, especially when everyone else around him has taken sides and I do believe he would have taken Hermioneís side anyway.
What I liked most about this chapter was how Ron didnít decide who to trust based on what he could lose with either decision, but that he wanted to decide based on who lied to him. That is a big step from his character during his years at Hogwarts where he often made rash decisions and didnít actively seek out the truth, but it shows how much he has matured and that he isnít the little boy he was back then anymore.
Nice chapter! Iím curious to find out how Miranda will react to the news that Ron stayed at St. Mungoís with Hermione and that no one thought to take her there with them to see Ron.
I didnít think you would have other characters make an appearance for the first time this close to the end of the story, but I was glad to see Fred and George in this chapter. It wouldnít do to have almost the whole story set at the Burrow and not once include our favourite trouble makers. Them taking Hannah out once a week is a great idea and really shows how close the whole Weasley family is and how much Hermione and Hannah are a part of it.
I donít know how I feel about Viktor Krum making an appearance though. It seemed a bit sudden, because there was never any indication of Hermione having any other friends beside Ginny that she did things with regularly. Sure being a single mother doesnít make having friends impossible, but your account of Hermioneís life during Ronís absence made it seem as if her life consisted of Hannah, work and the Weasleys.
I have this love-hate relationship with Ginny in your story. Sometimes she is perfect and at other times she seems incredibly OOC. In this chapter, for example, I definitely liked the playful side of her that would have lied to Miranda about Hermione and Viktor to see her face, but I liked the fact that she didnít want to hurt Ron even more. Her behaviour towards Harry, or the way she told Hermione about it at least, gave me pause though. That didnít sound like the Ginny that held a mature conversation with Harry just a few chapters earlier at all. She seems inconsistent, sometimes quite childish and at other times very mature and these changes in her personality are quite random, so I never know what to expect from her in the next scene.
I feel sorry for Ron, Miranda really should have told him that she didnít want to have kids when he made it so obvious that he wants a large family. And what is with her comment about not knowing if they would be more than a fling? You donít enter in a relationship if you donít think it could be more than a fling, if you do then thatís just it, a fling, nothing more. I canít say that it shocked me though, it fit with what we saw of Miranda before. I donít doubt that she would make a good Hitwizard (or is that Hitwitch in her case?), but she seemed to think being accepted into that squad made her better than Ron and Harry. Sheís an odd one, that Miranda and Iím glad Ron is beginning to see that, too.
Oh this is finally picking up speed. I like what you did with Miranda. I can so totally see her being this nasty but putting up a front for Ron, because he wouldnít want to even be friends with her if he knew how she really was. We could glimpse this behaviour of hers before when Ron said it was Miranda who made him see that a long-distance relationship never works out and I like that you put this clue in one of the previous chapters (canít remember which) as a hint to Mirandaís character and now elaborated on it and showed those of your readers that picked up on your comment before that we were right in thinking Miranda wasnít as sweet and nice and she tried to make people believe she was.
Compliments for your handling of Hermione in this chapter. I liked her a lot and think you managed to keep her in character well while making her older and more mature. I like that she didnít let her tears fall in front of Miranda and held her head high even though she wanted to cry. Thatís a huge step for Hermione, because in the books she usually runs away from these kinds of situations (in first year when some girls insulted her and she overheard, in sixth year when Ron and Lavender made out after the Quidditch match), but it shows how she has matured since leaving Hogwarts and becoming a mother.
Iím not too fond of Ginny eavesdropping on Hermioneís conversation with Miranda. I think she would respect her friendís privacy and maybe ask her later if she wanted to talk about it, but not invade Hermioneís privacy and use Extendable Ears. I did like that it was Ginny who suggested setting Miranda up and making her look bad and that she had to convince Hermione. Thatís something I can see Ginny do and think up, but Hermione would never come up with such a plan and would need someone like Ginny to convince her to go along with it.
She didn't know why she felt so apprehensive; though [she] knew she shouldn't be feeling this way. In the second part of this sentence it should read Ďthough she knew she shouldnítí, I inserted the missing pronoun in brackets in the right place.
Hermione made her way to her room, Ginny following, feeling quite stunned at her friend. You used a wrong preposition here and because of it Iím not quite sure what you wanted to say. Did you mean that Ginny is Ďfeeling quite stunned by her friendís behaviourí or Ďby her friendís wordsí? Any way the preposition should be Ďbyí not Ďatí.
She wasn't happy with the idea of purposely sabotaging Ronís relationship with the other girl, no matter how much she despised Miranda. You forgot to put the Ďs here that connects Ronís name with the word Ďrelationshipí.
I liked this chapter a lot and am really curious to see what Ginny and Hermione will do to make Miranda lose face.
I have to say this chapter disappointed me. Some of the conversation between Harry, Ginny and Hermione seemed quite unimportant and better left out of the chapter, while Hermione and Ronís fight and subsequent talk seemed too abrupt.
I really liked the Harry/Ginny bits when Ron and Harry first arrived at the Burrow, but now in this chapter they were too close for my tastes. When Harry said goodbye the day before Ginny blushed when he looked at her and seemed quite shy around him, and now he seems to have talked to her about his best friendís sex life the day before when he couldnít/wouldnít talk about it with Hermione and was clearly uncomfortable when Ginny mentioned it. It just doesnít add up. On top of that is Ginnyís behaviour during this conversation, which I think is very OOC. She tells Hermione things Harry asked her to keep a secret, while Harry is there nonetheless and doesnít seem to be bothered when he calls her on it and says that he doesnít want her to tell Hermione, thatís not something Ginny would do, especially not to Harry.
Then Ron comes outside and at first they pick up where they left off the day before and Ron seems ok with Hermione not telling him about Hannah, but suddenly, because Hermione doesnít like Miranda, he goes right back to his state of mind when she first told him about Hannah and is upset with her for keeping his daughter a secret again. I donít understand this change in him at all. I suppose Miranda caused him to have doubts? But why would he be nice at first and then suddenly blow up? It doesnít make sense and neither does his calm and change in attitude again at the end, when suddenly everything is alright once more.
The scene where he holds Hannah is unbelievably cute. Ron even handles Miranda calling him inside quite well and I think this is the best scene out of the whole chapter, because it touched me emotionally and didnít confuse me, here everything seems to fit again.
When he returned home to Grimmauld Place, he spent a few hours discussing with Remus life here and his life in America, who looked better than he did when Harry left. This sentence truly threw me, itís very confusing and I would suggest making at least two separate sentences out of it. Maybe something like ĎWhen he returned home to Grimmauld Place, he spent a few hours talking to Remus, who looked better than he had when Harry left for America. The discussed Remusís life and Harryís time in America at length, catching up on what had been going on with the other.í
Iím sorry for all the criticism in this review, itís just that this chapter confused me very much. I hope the next chapter doesnít do the same and I can get emotionally attached to the characters again.
When I started reading this chapter I was prepared to give Miranda a chance, to not dislike her on principle, but I canít. She seemed like a nice enough girl at first, but then there came this one line, that made me downright hate her: He had told Miranda all about her. In fact, it had been her who had made him realise long-distance relationships never worked, she had even helped him write the final letter to Hermione, the love of his life Ö or so he thought. Ron makes her sound like such a nice person, but I canít help but feel that she had an ulterior motive in convincing Ron that long-distance relationships never work, why else would she now be dating him only a few months after convincing him to break up with Hermione? And whatís with the hugging Hermione as if theyíre friends? Thatís just wrong!
I loved how Hermione and Miranda tried to outdo each other by reminiscing their experiences with Ron and Harry and how both guys were completely clueless as to what was going on. That set me right back to the HP books and connected both characters with their school!selves, especially Ron needed to be connected to his teenage years, because he has done a lot of growing up in your story.
I also loved Molly and Arthurís reaction. Arthur excitement about who Mirandaís father is was typically Arthur and Molly reprimanding him and trying to get him to not be friendly to the woman who stole Hermioneís man was just too funny. Molly and Ginny would, of course, be on Hermioneís side, especially after they have helped her with Hannah for so long. Mollyís reaction was very IC.
What I thought was slightly off was Hermioneís watch. Is this a Muggle watch and she set the alarm on a specific time? Why not use something more magical? Maybe a new hand on the Weasley family clock that suddenly moves and points to Hannah having to be fed but that neither Ron nor Harry really pay attention to? That would, in my opinion, blend in with the whole magical world better than a regular watch.
All things considered I really liked this chapter. I canít wait for Mirandaís reaction when Ron tells her that he has a daughter!
Iím glad Ron gave Hermione the chance to explain why she didnít tell him about Hannah. Of course his yelling was to be expected, he wouldnít be Ron if he wouldnít explode first, but he showed his mature side again when he listened and tried to understand why Hermione did what she did. In those last two chapters (3 and 4) I recognised bits of the old Ron, as he is portrayed in JKRís books, again and I can now feel a connection forming to his character. Even his acceptance of Hermioneís decision didnít seem OOC, because I think I have a much better grasp of Ronís character now than I did in chapter 1.
I love the interaction between Harry and Ginny and I have the feeling there could be a little something going on there. At least Ginny seems interested in Harry. Iíll pay close attention to that budding romance in future chapters, simply because these two getting together could help Ron and Hermione get back together in the long run, because it would mean that Harry and thus Ron would spend more time with Ginny and Hermione. Hannah was just adorable when she played with Harryís glasses! Sheís such a cute kid.
Where did Arthur disappear to? I might have missed this little tidbit of information, but I seriously canít remember him leaving the room in chapter 2, but he hasnít been mentioned once in chapters 3 or 4.
I also like how you managed to work Remus into this chapter. Although I would have liked to see Harry stay with the Weasleys, itís probably better this way, because there would have been some serious lack of space if everyone had stayed at the Burrow. I hope Harry comes back soon though.
He's Hannah's Godfather, and he loves. This sentence confused me. What does Remus love? Hannah? Then there would have to be the pronoun Ďherí at the end of this sentence. Or does he just generally love again? That would be a weird thing to say, in my opinion, and a but uncharacteristic for Hermione, who is always very precise in her statements.
Iím looking forward to reading the next two chapters next week. The story is definitely getting better as it progresses.
Looks like Iím the first SBBCer to review, so I guess I should also tell you that your story is being discussed in the SBBC over on the beta boards now and will be for the next few weeks. If youíre interested in what we have to say about it, youíre more than welcome to have a look at the discussion threats. Hereís the link to the first one: http://fanfiction.mugglenet.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4960
I like the way you set the scene for the party. You capture the atmosphere of the Burrowís garden nicely by showing what each of the Weasley children experienced there or what it was to them (a refuge for Percy, Ginnyís birthplace, the place where Charlie kept his rabbit). The set up for the party sounds like a typical event organised by Molly Weasley, a table full of food dominating the garden, everything cooked by her personally, Iíd wager.
Ron seems to have grown up quite a bit, seeing the way he is concerned about Hermione and how hard he thinks about the consequences for their relationship his going away will have. The situation that showed his maturity best was his conversation with Ginny, although at times, he seems almost too mature. Itís nice to see that he will miss Ginny and that theyíre really close, but shouldnít he at least pretend to be slightly annoyed with her when she puts her fingers into his slice of cake and smears some of it on his nose? Depending on what mood he is in, my brother maybe wouldnít be really angry, but he would at least pretend to be ticked off and certainly not thank me. That seemed to be weird behaviour for siblings, regardless of how close they are and how much they will miss each other, teasing each other to me is an integral part of Ron and Ginnyís relationship. One more thing that seemed odd about Ron and Ginnyís conversation to me was that Ron complimented her on her hair. Would the Ron we all know and love really notice his little sisterís new haircut? I donít think so, I donít think he even pays close attention to her hair which he would have to do in order to notice the changes.
I loved Lunaís Ďfeeling in her left footí! Itís just something I could see Luna say and it made me giggle just now when I read it. Luna and Neville make a cute couple and you basically captured the essence of their relationship in this short passage where we see them talking to Ron.
Last but not least Hermione: Writing letters every day? Yes that does sound like something Hermione would want and do. I hope Ron doesnít disappoint her, but I really canít imagine him writing a letter every day for more than a few weeks. Hermione seems to be taking this separation pretty hard, harder than she should, maybe, because you said earlier that they have a strong relationship, shouldnít she trust in that strength to help them deal with two years of separation? But then again, Hermione might be rational, but in those kinds of situations sheís just like everyone else and I liked seeing this almost insecure, emotional side of her.
So far I like your story, letís see what the next chapter will bring.^^
After having a lot of criticism for the last chapter, I was delighted with how you continued the story in this one. I especially applaud you for managing to include HBP-canon in your story without making it seem awkward or forced.
Ginny was perfectly in character once again and I liked how she was less pushy towards both Harry and Hermione. She showed that she, too, has matured in this chapter and is not a hot-headed little girl anymore. The first scene with Harry and Ginny was absolutely precious!
Mollyís coldness towards Miranda might have been a bit overdone, but I liked how she wouldnít give her the recipe, because she wanted it to stay in the family, but she had given it to Hermione already. That was cute and made it clear how Molly felt about having Miranda in the house. I liked that she was visible again in this chapter and not just mentioned by other characters.
The argument between Miranda and Hermione at the end has me expecting these two to come to blows soon and not just stick to verbal fights. Ron canít stay oblivious to what is going on for much longer and I just hope he sees Miranda for who she is soon. Hermione has shown that she is the better woman, but even she has her limitations and the slap she gave Miranda seems to be just the start of her finally losing her temper in the face of all of Mirandaís cruel comments.
Noticing, Ginny gave Harry a small smile, her cheeks tingeing pink as she got to work on the potatoes. Noticing what? Maybe it would be a good idea to include something like Ďnoticing that Harry was watching herí. I canít really explain why, but I felt as if something like that was missing from the sentence for it to be perfect.
"You could have cut the tension in here with a Severing Charm," Hermione said knowingly, raising her eyebrows. I love this! Iíve never seen this phrase in any fanfictions before, usually authors just put Ďyou could cut the tension with a knifeí, but this way it gives this rather clichť saying a magical twist that makes it original again.
Iím so glad Miranda is finally out of the picture, but in a way I also feel sorry for her knowing what I know about her childhood now. It canít have been easy for her to grow up without any real friends, only surrounded by adults. I can almost understand her need to hold onto Ron and even her lies seem more a measure to protect herself from heartache than malicious behaviour towards Hermione. Letting Miranda leave like that, after making the readers feel slightly sorry for her, is very well done and gives her character more depth and makes her more believable, very nice.
His time in America had given birth to new freckles that now lived amongst the old ones she had loved so much. I donít know why, but I loved this line, it just made me smile. And Hermione wearing Ronís old shirt to bed and not even realizing it was just too cute! Ron telling her to keep it seemed a bit too predictable, but a nice touch nonetheless.
Hermione seems a lot more comfortable around Viktor than Ginny and I couldnít help but wonder why that is. Sheís around Ginny every day and only sees Viktor seldom, but she asks Viktor what she should do about Ron, while still denying wanting him back in front of Ginny.
Hermioneís reaction to Ron breaking up with Miranda also seemed a bit over the top. While I agree that she would be happy to be rid of her, I would have thought she wouldnít want Ron to come to her right away, because that could mean he was just using her as a way to forget Miranda. I would have expected her to know and accept that Ron would need some time to himself and not expect him to Ďsnog her senselessí, it just doesnít seem like a very Hermione-ish thing to do.
I liked this chapter a lot, not least because of Ron and Hermioneís talk in the kitchen and the new closeness between them. Now that Miranda is out of the picture Iím curious to see what Ron will do to get Hermione back.
Aww, this chapter was just too cute. I never would have expected Molly to be the one standing in front of Hermioneís room at the end of the last chapter, but it was definitely a nice surprise. Her telling Hermione that she will always have a home with the Weasleys and will always be her daughter made me a little teary-eyed, it was such a nice thing to say!
I loved Ron and Hermioneís talk. Ron was just perfect, but more about him later. Hermione with all her fears and shyness was cute, but her need to tell Ron the truth and clear up all the lies was what I would have expected off her. And then as any mother would, she thinks about her daughter first and would stay living in the Burrow if Hannah wasnít comfortable with moving in with Ron, very cute.
I can see why Ron would have thought Hermione was moving on when her letters became shorter and shorter, Iím glad they cleared that misunderstanding up. Iím also glad you mentioned it, because it shows us why it was relatively easy for Miranda to talk Ron into breaking up with Hermione, if he already thought she was moving on and distancing herself from him. I never quite understood how Ron could have let Miranda talk him into breaking up with Hermione, but now I do.
He sounds so grown up, so mature. Hermione is right. Even though Ron did some rash things since he came back from the US, you managed to show how he has matured and isnít the little boy he is in canon anymore, while still keeping the integral part of his character that makes him Ron. I liked Ronís characterisation throughout the story, but in this chapter it was especially good. You balanced his insecurities with his assurance that he had made the right decision very well, and made Ron stay in character while still being somewhat romantic, as much as Ron can be without being OOC anyway.
Hermione had never felt so loved or protected than she did right now, lying in his arms, surrounding her with affection and warmth. Two things: First either Ďmore loved or protected thaní or Ďas loved or protected así would sound better here. The word Ďsoí makes it sound awkward and hinders the flow of the sentence. Second: Hermione is subject of the main clause and now in the last subclause Ronís arms are the subject all of a sudden; this would flow better if you made Hermione the subject there, too, and wrote Ďsurrounded with affection and warmthí.
Oh my! I hope Hannah isnít too badly hurt! You know I wondered why you mentioned Ronís wand so often during Ron and Hermioneís argument, but I would have never guessed that Hannah could unwittingly use it on herself. Very nice cliffhanger!
Once again I have to comment on Ginnyís character. I like how she wasnít as pushy in this chapter as she was when she suggested the plan to get rid of Miranda for instance. She still seemed to think it funny that Hermione slapped her, but she also understood or at least tried to understand what Hermione was going through and how guilty she felt over slapping the other woman.
Ron and Hermioneís fight/talk was well written as well. I especially liked how Ron has problems trusting Hermione and rather believes Mirandaís word, even though he obviously wants to believe Hermione. I like that Hermione not telling him about Hannah is still impacting him and that he hasnít forgiven her for it yet. Itís a big thing and of course it will be hard for him to learn to trust her again after something like this.
What I didnít get was why Miranda was only treated by Molly the next morning. If youíre slapped your cheek isnít red anymore after you slept a whole night, thatís just not how it works. On another note I also would imagine Ron to be the type who would go as far as wake his mother up so she can have a look at Miranda at once. I realize that you needed this scene to take place the next morning for Harry and Ginny to be there to talk to Hermione first, but itís still a bit of a plothole that Miranda still has a handprint on her cheek the next day and that Ron didnít have it looked at at once.
"A-HA!" Ron shouted, pointing his finger at Hermione in triumphant. This should either be Ďtriumphantlyí or Ďin triumphí, the word Ďtriumphantí as you have used it is and adjective and completely wrong in this place.
"You're unbelievable Ö if you're too stubborn to understand why I kept Hannah a secret, too one-minded to take Miranda's side over mine and too blind to see that I lo-" This sounds to me as if Hermione is accusing Ron of taking her side over Mirandaís and being too stupid to see that Miranda is right, the opposite of what you wanted to say. Maybe Ďtoo one-minded to see through Mirandaís liesí would work better and be clearer.
Nice work on this chapter. Hereís to hoping Hannah will be fine and her parents will get closer through her accident, bad as it sounds.
Such a nice ending for such a beautiful story!
Iím slightly confused about the age difference between Steven and Hannah, but thatís probably because I didnít pay attention to the year the actual story takes place and couldnít relate it to the year the epilogue takes place.
I admit, I was sceptical when I first started reading your story, but it just got better and better. The last few chapters were incredibly cute and romantic, but I have to say I e4specially liked the slow built-up. There was everything there should have been in a good romance story, fights, cute moments, problems, rivals that donít just disappear after a chapter or two etc. I liked how Ron and Hermione didnít just fall back into each otherís arms but how there were a lot of problems, misunderstandings and mistrust they had to overcome first. It made the story that much more interesting and created a nice bit of suspense.
Miranda was a nice rival for Hermione. In her you created a good OC, that had the upbringing and background needed for the role she played in the story and at the end her motivations were understandable. She wasnít just acting this way because Hermione needed an adversary in your story, but you gave her credibility. Hannah was another brilliant OC, although there wasnít that much characterisation for a two-year-old. She was still adorable!
Overall I liked your characterisations a lot, especially Ron, who is quite hard to characterise properly. Your mature versions of the canon characters stayed true to their canon roots while developing and maturing, thus creating a refreshing scene.
Keep up the good work!
I normally try to stay away from fics written in first person, but it's a nice change from the third person fics I normally read. You're doing a good job of describing everything going on without overdoing it and telling us things that no normal person would notice. However in some instances I would use plainer verbs to say what Hermione is doing, she probably wouldn't be aware of the way she walks as much as of the way someone else walks. That's the case with me anyway^^
I like how you brought Viktor into your fic. Although he just breaks up with Hermione it's nice to know that they were still dating and writing letters. Krum, by the way, is only written with one m.
I think you kept Hermione in character most of the time. Having her not tell her parents about the break-up was like her, but I don't think she would have written to both Harry and Ron about the break-up right away. I don't think this would be something she would like to share with them, especially if you consider the big fight Ron and Hermione had about him and Lavender in book 6. She would perhaps have told Ginny, because she is going through the same thing and I think Hermione would want to talk to a girl about it, if she would talk to anyone.
Lionel is intriguing me and I'd like to see more of him. I'm curious to find out what he is hiding and why his dad didn't want him to talk to Hermione. What was the smell of gasoline about anyway? Very mysterious indeed.
Lovely story. Having a wizard's fair is a brilliant idea, it's very unique. Same with the friendship theme, it's not as common as romance, so this was a nice change.
Luna, Hermione and Ginny are all in character. I especially liked Luna doing the crossword wrong, because school hasn't started yet. It's something I could actually see her doing. Ginny speaking French and German was hilarious, the German part more so than the French. I'm German, by the way, and German as the language of romance is really a strange thought.^^
Harry, Ron and Neville's reaction to the group hug was brilliant. I could just see them standing in front of me, looking anywhere but at their friends. Hermione's reaction to all the attention was also well done.
This is a story that will reveal what will happen if the most mischievous of the Marauders joins forces with the ever-creative Weasley Twins. This is an epic tale that will reveal the mysterious myths and history of the Most Noble and Ancient House of Blacks. Be mystified, and roll over with laughter, as Sirius bumbled his way through his 1st year at Hogwarts in this alternate tale of the HP tradition.
The only other fic of yours I read is El Gaunt Herencia, so I decided to try something different and not go for THe Healer first. Your prologue intrigued me and I can't wait to see what'll happen to Sirius. I love the Blacks and everything about them, so your promise that this will partly be about the mysteries surrounding their family made me want to read this even more.
The atmosphere you create in the first few paragraphs with the prophecy and Orion's thoughts was really well done and gave the story a mythical and mysterious feel. I like the idea that the Blacks call a seer every time a child is born, that sounds like something they'd definitely do. THe prophecy made it seem as if Sirius is destined to do something really important, I'm curious what role he will have to play in the history of his family.
Nadine vowed to raise her beloved first-born child as a proper Black. The child will be strong as is common to all Black heirs, she can feel it. You changed tenses here, even though it wasn't necessary to do so. The second sentence won't lose any of its power if you put it in past tense as well, so that's what I'd do, so it doesn't disrupt the flow of your story.
There's a definite change in pace when Sirius and Regulus appear, but you still manage to keep the mysterious atmosphere from the beginning of the story, this keeps your fic consistens and makes it seem like two parts of a whole and not just two separate scenes without any relation to each other. Sirius' character is very well done. I like it that he was mischievious and slightly reckless even as a little kid, his thirst for adventures won't just have appeared when he met James but it would have been there before as well. Regulus is well done as well. If Sirius is six years old at that point in the story, I'd venture a guess that Regulus is four or five, so it's believable that he would let Sirius be the one in charge and follow him, even though he has slight reservations against doing something their parents don't want them to do. I think it's ok for him to go with Sirius, even though he doesn't want to, because what four year old doesn't do what his older brother says?
There are a few instances where you use 'that' in which I think you could leave them out, but it doesn't disrupt the flow of your story.
I really want to know what object Sirius was playing with and what has happened to him, so that's all you get for the prologue^^ Nice beginning, it has me hooked already.
The object? some people interpreted it as some sort of time turner. I myself just made it up but I guess it would be an older version of that.
In case you were wondering, I'm still reading and reviewing, I just didn't have to much time over the last two weeks or so. I really enjoyed this chapter, mainly because it wasn't as gloomy and dark as the Prologue and Chapter 1. It made for a nice contrast.
I also felt that I really got to know Sirius in this chapter. The tidbits we learn from Kingsley, the scene in Malfoy Manor and finally the way he acted on the Hogwarts Express all showed different sides of his character and I can't wait to see more. Especially the way he got along with Harry intrigues me. I wonder if they'll become friends or if Sirius is a little too wild for Harry.
And just because I have loads of time on my hands, I found a couple more mistakes than in the previous chapters:
Suddenly, a young woman with spikey pink hair came and zigzagged around everyone, she jumped over some file boxes, and amazingly not a single drop spilled from the cup of coffee that she carried. This isn't really a mistake, but it would sound better if you got rid of the 'that', it's not needed and just hinders the flow of the sentence.
She took a deep breath to composed herself before she opened the door and stepped inside the room. After 'to' you always put the infinitive, so this has to be 'She took a deep breath to compose herself'.
A mere child that was often left to our care whenever the Malfoys have to attend a function. You start this sentence in the past, so you should stay in the past until the end of it. Thus it has to be 'whenever the Malfoys had to attend...'.
Kingley grinned. There's a small typo here, it's 'Kingsley' not 'Kingley'.
Lucius frowned and cursed the problematic child that he was forced to take in. The action of taking Sirius in was before the time when Lucius is cursing it, so the tense must reflect this, it has to be 'that he had been forced to take in'.
Most of them have children in similar attire with cages that contained owls atop their trunks. You're telling your story in past tense, but in this sentence you use present tense instead, simply changing it to past tense would be keeping with the flow of your story.
Thanks Ilka ^_^ You were warned this early work is the sloppiest one :) Thanks for the good have shove to get me to finally fix it. Am a lazy one.
I\'ll g and fix all that ^_^ Danke! ^_^