Penname: Nagini Riddle [Contact]
Real name: Kaylee
Member Since: 04/28/12
Website:
Beta-reader: Yes
Status: Member
Bio:
I love Harry Potter fan fiction, because it allows my imagination to run free!
I probably could be doing something more productive, but since I love to read and write, and hope to be an author one day, this doesn't seem like a whole waste of time!!!!
I love this site so much. It really let's me challenge my mind and see things in a whole new light.
Go fan fiction!!!!!

EDIT: I am a poetry nut! So watch out for all my poetry and you can even check some of my poetry out on Poetry Anyone? in the Beta Forums, if you are able to get an account. :) Also watch out if you write poetry, too! I am sure to review it, and possibly leave behind a critique!

Since I write so much poetry, I thought I would make a list of my actual stories that are on the archives:

Completed:
If I Die Young
His Last Descendant
In the Realms of Jealousy
The Autumn Air
A Darker Nightmare
Vanishing Point
The Ghosts that Follow
The Baby-Sitter
Kill It Before It Dies
The Sight of Her
A Christmas Meal of Snow
The Man of Hogsmeade
Set in Silver Stone
Unfaithful
Pills and Potions
The Purity of the Turf
Pearls Mean Tears
The Ties That Bind
The Full House
Delayed Arrival
Hot Off the Press

WIP:
Murder in the Moonlight

To Follow:
I Stood in the Ruins
Questions (tentative title)
Eclipse of the Heart
Lines in the Sand


Here are all my poems (in order of update):

Poetry
Her Hand
His Only Friend
Mad World
Refusal
Negotiation With Death
An Unexpected Turn
The Coffin Brawl
Wasted Space
One Sweet Night
Life in Technicolor
The Bice Day
Dark Side
The Day the Music Died
Shades of Grey
The Endless Road
The Foulest Creature
The Lone Sentry
If No One Will Listen
Soiled
Just a Diary
Frozen
An Empty Photograph
Moonlight
Death's Horizon
The Canvas Life
The Sun Sets in Paradise
Grand Adage
The Banished Howl
Hear Me
Celestina's Songbook: Summer Lovin'
The Certain Dark
The Cursed Ruin
A Greying View
Silent Ash
Left Behind
Save You
With Silent Wounds
The Snow Globe
A Wintry Lust
Hogsmeade Lights
The Calming
The Possibility
Today I Do Not Want To Be...
Walls
A Brief Star
Beautiful Disaster
Where is Your Heart
Fix You
The Black Rose
A Failing Mission
The Darkest Realm
Godric's Hollow
Halo
Unspeakable
Hidden Mysteries
Salire
The Seasons Change
Petrified Desire
In Anguish
Paradeisos
In Final Minutes
The Wrong Child
For the Man on the Street
Something Better
Faust Arp
The Silver Doe/The Silver Stag
Fallen Leaves
Red is the color of death
Living Shroud
Little Bruno and the Evil Elf
Eternal Ice
For the Hero
Magical
The Frost in Melancholy
It's Christmas Time in Diagon Alley
It Came Upon A Charm So Clear
A Ravenclaw's Blue Christmas
Frēodōm
Corpses of the Shadow and the Night
You Just Wink (First Impressions)
His
In Agony
Killing Me Softly
Separation
Absentia
Don't Let Me Go
Pax Tecum (Peace Be With You)
Casualties
Blind Weakness
The Show Must Go On
A Coming War?
At the Battlefront
No One Can Ever Know
Do you think of me the same?
Into the Forest
A Lesson with Biscuits
The Weird Sisters - B-Sides and Rarities, Vol. 1
Sacrificium
A Restless Wait
Dawn (Go Away)
The Weird Sisters - B-Sides and Rarities, Vol. 2
Betty
BTSK
on this side of heaven
Colorblind
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Reviews by Nagini Riddle
 

Much More Than A Game by Hypatia
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 87]

Summary:
“Lord Voldemort has never had a friend, nor do I believe that he has ever wanted one.”
-Dumbledore, HBP, ch 13

Dumbledore was rarely wrong, only once did Lord Voldemort desire a friend. It started out as only a game, but became so much more…

This is the story of how the teenaged Tom Riddle met a unique individual and slipped from cold indifference, to affection, to friendship, to romance. Discover how even Voldemort’s cold and callow heart was once broken beyond repair. This is for anyone curious about how an imperfect love warped and twisted a corrupt young man into the Dark Lord.

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: Abuse, Character Death, Mild Profanity, Sexual Situations, Suicide, Violence

Word count: 106968 Chapters: 29 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/16/11 Updated: 09/29/12


Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 09/17/12 Title: Chapter 27: Terrible But Great

Wow! What a way to capture Voldemort's breaking the boundaries of magic!
I loved it so much!! And found myself quailing in some areas. I think I may have nightmares! But I found it all rather fascinating!
I'm curious. What does the Greek translate to in the spell he said on Calypso's island? I know te last word was Calypso- but what was the rest? :)

Author's Response: Thank you! :) I'm really glad you liked it (and hope it doesn't result in nightmares). The only nightmare I can recall having about Lord Voldemort was one where I was dreaming that it was my duty to stop him from finding the 'magic wishing fork' (in case you're wondering, a magic wishing fork is a fork that grants wishes). I remember hiding it in a cutlery drawer so he'd have to check all the forks to find the right one. Shortly after waking up I began to question the wisdom of having ice cream before bed. :S

As for the spell, it was supposed to roughly translate to:

"Shrouded in darkness,
Revealed by dawn,
Arise Ogygia,
Isle of Calypso"

If you were trying a translation program, it probably didn't work well since I had to switch out the Greek lower-case 'nu' for 'v' so that it wouldn't show up as a strange little square.

Thanks again,
Hypatia

 
Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 05/24/12 Title: Chapter 23: Dark Side Of The Moon

Wow, Lydia is one Dark Lady!!! I don't think I could have the heart to do such a thing. It makes me wonder what exactly goes on in Lydia's head. Since we see everything from Tom's view, I become just as surprised as he is. Another good chapter that I loved! You have no idea how torturous it was waiting for the update! So, I leave this review in hopes that you have enough free time to write the next chapter and update soon!!!!!!!!!
Left on tenterhooks,
Nagini

Author's Response: The topic of Lydia's viewpoint has come up before. At one point I'd considered writing a sequel to More Than A Game instead of expanding it by using excerpts from Lydia's journal. However, I don't think she would have dared to write down a lot of the things she's been up to, so hopefully this works better.

I hate to say this, but there will probably be a long wait for the next chapter as it's barely outlined yet and my workload just increased. On the bright side, there are about three upcoming chapters which are almost entirely written so once we get through the next one or two, the updating pace should pick up again.

Thank you for reviewing,
Hypatia

 
Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 04/28/12 Title: Chapter 22: Balance of Power

I really love this story so far and I cannot wait to find out what happens next! It's so unpredictable, and I especially appreciate that it is about Tom Riddle. Keep up the good work! I eagerly await te next chapter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Author's Response: Thank you very much! I'm hoping to have the next chapter up within two weeks. :)

 
Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 08/24/12 Title: Chapter 25: Waking the Dragon

I felt so bad for Tom!!!!!!! Oh! It ripped at my heart when he lost control of his magic. Just why is Lydia doing? Augh! I had kind of been hoping they would end up together, despite having read More Than a Game. Oh well... It still makes me sad. Be sure to tell Tom that I would gladly marry him! (if he would have me- and I highly doubt he would. Sigh)

Author's Response: All I can say for now is that Lydia has her reasons. I'll pass on the message to Tom, but he's been in a rather bad mood lately. Plus, I feel obligated to point out that he really wouldn't make a very good husband. He'd probably invite the Death Eaters over without checking with his wife first, I doubt it would ever occur to him that it's not easy to get bloodstains out of robes, and you just know he'd always leave the seat up.

Thanks for reviewing,
Hypatia

 
Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 04/28/12 Title: Chapter 22: Balance of Power

Hey again! I've been thinking a lot about your story and I just wanted to say that I love the chess analogy playing throughout the novel!
Also, I don't know what you have planned for the rest of the story, but I feel like Tom should keep trying to get his "Dark Lady" to be his second in command- and perhaps succeed. I know that Lydia will not be with him always, but it would be so cool to know that Voldemort was actually able to get a queen before losing her. I don't know. It's your story, of course, and I just hope that you keep on doing what you love, because you are extremely good at it! In fact, this story sounds extremely plausible to me! I really cannot wait to read more, and I will be so sad when it ends, because I've enjoyed your story so much! It's inspired me to write my own fan fiction. :)

Author's Response: Thanks! I've actually ended up learning a lot about chess from writing this (I'm a terrible chess player) but I do love how it leads to analogies. I actually just go to websites that show the steps of famous chess games and look for one that has the metaphor I'm looking for (a pawn ascending to queen, queen sacrifice, etc.) or in some cases, just ones that have a lot of pieces being taken so that Tom can get enough of his questions answered.

As for whether Lydia will ever (even temporarily) accept the position of Dark Lady... you'll have to forgive me for not saying anything for now. The plot's been outlined for ages and while there have been some hiccups and detours along the way, it's still pretty much on course.

I can't begin to tell you how flattered I am that by your review and will be keeping an eye out for your upcoming story (stories?).

Happy writing,
Hypatia

 
Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 04/28/12 Title: Chapter 21: Wild Card

Voldemort seems so human in this story! I'm really glad of that because it makes his character easier to understand, even if he is dark and murderous.
Lydia, I must say, is the true heroine of this story, but I hope she shows some more common sense and realizes that revenge is not the answer. Although I know she can take care of herself. I feel, too, that her character was extremely well-developed. She has her weaknesses and strengths just like everyone else and is a pure joy to read about. This pairing really works! Perhaps, if one believes in an afterlife, Lydia and Tom are able to reconcile and live after death together. It pains me to think that they have to separate!!!!
Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: I've wondered about what the after-life could be like for Voldemort. I mean, what happens to the fragments of souls? Are there eight fragmented pieces of him or do each of the Horcrux pieces vanish? I had the impression at first that they were simply destroyed with the Horcrux, but the part that was tied to Harry seemed to follow him to Platform 9 3/4. I guess I've wondered in particular if someone who's soul was, perhaps a bit tarnished, but whole could ever go about reassembling the pieces of a shattered soul. It's actually why I picked Lydia's Patronus as an eagle: according to animal symbolism (or at least the animal symbolism website I stumbled upon) the eagle 'retrieves lost soul parts'. Whether or not it ever comes into play in the story, I've always thought of Lydia as being Tom's only hope for redemption.

Thanks for reviewing,
Hypatia

 
Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 06/25/12 Title: Chapter 24: Crossroads

It took a while to remember everything that happened, but once I did, I dove right in!!!! I won't leave a long review, in hopes that I can get to reading more of this story as soon as you update!!!
BTW, how does Tom really feel about Lydia? It seems like he cares more about his feelings than hers...

Author's Response: I know what you mean about it taking a while to remember: I had to look back on old chapters to get this one written ;) Hopefully updates will go back to a more regular schedule now.

As for Tom's feelings about Lydia, you are entirely correct in that he cares more about himself. C.S. Lewis wrote a book titled The Four Loves (and I've borrowed quotes from it for chapter headings) but the gist of the book is that he described four different types of love: affection, friendship, romantic love and unconditional love. Unfortunately, Tom doesn't really seem capable of making that self-sacrificing leap to caring for another person without any strings attached, or as the Baron put it: “There is only one piece on the board that a Slytherin wouldn’t sacrifice.” (And before all the Slytherins get offended by this, I'd like to point out that not all of them make themselves the king: Narcissa Malfoy would have done absolutely anything for her son, and Severus Snape would have done anything to keep Lily safe.) In Tom's case, he is that piece and as much as cares about Lydia, he still sees her as the queen, which while a desirable piece to have, is still one he would sacrifice to win the game.

Thanks,
Hypatia

 

Neville's Song by XenaTwin
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 3]

Summary: A story about Neville and the thoughts that may have led him to the hero he eventually proved himself to be.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 175 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/17/11 Updated: 07/25/11


Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 10/03/12 Title: Chapter 1: Neville's Song

Isn't it funny that Harry AND Neville both had a hand in defeating Voldemort. I'm surprised at how similar the two are, really. They both grew up with relatives, because their parents weren't available due to evil forces. Both Gryffindors. Both defied Voldemort...

Very nice song! Neville is the unsung hero, especially since he finally developed that Gryffindor bravery and became a strong leader. It goes to show that what is on the outside doesn't always show what is on the inside.

My favorite stanza was when Neville said that he was a true Gryffindor, and would not resign from the battle, no matter if he was killed or not. That shows great loyalty, and I was happy to see that in there.

There were a few issues with the rhythm, like in the first stanza, the last line had an awkward beat. There were too many syllables for the beat you already set. I suggest changing it to "Lived bravery's cost," so it fits the rhythm better.

For the Herbology stanza, the rhythm was awkward again. I suggest to change it to this:

In Herbology
I'd find a place.
And only there
I'd show some grace.

The bit about the dance is unnecessary.

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem! Neville all the way. :)

~Nagini Riddle

Author's Response: Another good edit. I should ask you to beta for me sometime :) I was very fascinated by the duality of the prophecy and how it could've meant either Harry or Neville, like Fate had chosen it that way to cover all the bases. Only Voldemort's choice confirmed Harry as the Chosen One. JK made it kind of subtle in the books but I think it was meant all along that Neville would have to have some key part in taking down the Dark Lord along with Harry. I was very pleased when the "Spare to his heir" line came to me, as I thought it was just so very British and fitting here. Glad you enjoyed :)

 

Farewell by xxbabewithbrainsxx
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 3]

Summary: Can anyone ever be truly ready to say goodbye? A HP poem, about the pain of saying farewell.

Written for the Goodbye Challenge over on Poetry, Anyone?

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 234 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/20/11 Updated: 07/25/11


Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 10/02/12 Title: Chapter 1: Farewell

That last line was so powerful!!!! It is never truly goodbye, is it? I am reminded of Dumbledore when I read that line. :)

Sigh. While it's true that Harry Potter has ended, I for one don't think the adventure really has. We get to reread the stories and also we get to create our own right here! Being able to read fanfiction allows us to keep the spirit for Harry Potter strong! And poetry is included in that. :)

I loved your poem! It was simple, yet had an effective message. Never will it be goodbye.

~Nagini Riddle

Author's Response: Thank you! Yeah, it isn't really goodbye -- I'm still here :D Thank you for the review. I struggled a lot with this one, so I'm glad you liked it.

Soraya xxx

 

The Prince's Tale by antebellum
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 8]

Summary: What if You-Know-Who was defeated long before Harry had ever been born. What if Severus Snape had a shot at what he died for in the original series? Allow me to give you the romantic "What if?" you all wondered about when reading the original books.

Categories: Severus/Lily Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe, Mild Profanity

Word count: 1751 Chapters: 1 Completed: No
Published:
07/23/11 Updated: 07/25/11


Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 05/29/12 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1 - Platform 9 3/4 Again

Well, where is the rest of this? It's good so far!!!!! I want to visit this alternate universe!!!! Gr... :D

 

The Final Hour by thenewandawesome
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 2]

Summary: A tribute to all those who died in the battle of Hogwarts. Poetry.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 111 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/28/11 Updated: 07/30/11


Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 10/02/12 Title: Chapter 1: The Final Hour

Wow! Your free verse is just magnificent.

Before I throw you roses and laurels, I do want to express my concern at the punctuation. At the beginning, you used a lot of periods, which made the rhythm very jerky. It's fine for the first line, but I think a semi-colon would have worked after the second line. Remember that periods mean a FULL-STOP. So, when you want a more even flow, periods aren't necessary.

Okay. Now onto the magnificent imagery and diction!!!!! You somehow capture haunting and depressing emotion, and it really pricked my heart.

I especially found "we cry silent tears and cry silent keens" to be very emotive. I can imagine the pain on their faces, no longer able to have a voice, praying with all their hearts.

And then your last two lines. Generally, I don't like repeated words so close together, but it works so well in this case. It gave me chills, to be honest. Plain and simple: "hope is hope." It cuts to the chase, and says to me that there is nothing else but hope, and its the last thing to hang onto. Very poignant and it struck me very deep. It was an exquisite, yet simple, way to end your poem and gave a very powerful message for me to ponder.

Hoping,

~Nagini Riddle

 

The House Cup by XenaTwin
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 2]

Summary: The four house animals are not getting along. What to do? Luckily, the Hogwarts winged boar always seems to have the answer.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 196 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/28/11 Updated: 07/30/11


Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 10/02/12 Title: Chapter 1: The House Cup

My goodness! I had so much fun reading this!!!! :)

I can't fault your good humor, but I do want to point out the third stanza- I think that "we all can just share" should be in quotation marks, because otherwise, it seems strange that the line right below has them and it's nowhere else when people are talking. Also, for that same portion, I think the rhythm would work better if it read as "we can all just share" instead of the "all can," which was a little hard to enunciate, because of how people would normally speak those words.

Overall, I had a great time reading this! What a great idea! Sometimes, the best writing comes from silly things. :)

~Nagini Riddle

Author's Response: Thank you :) I agree with your edit, thanks for the suggestion. I loved writing this silly bit of fluff :)

 

Prodigal by thenewandawesome
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 2]

Summary: A poem about how Harry feels as if he's doing everything wrong and is not worthy of the trust Dumbledore has placed in him.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 115 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/29/11 Updated: 08/05/11


Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 10/02/12 Title: Chapter 1: Prodigal

This is perfect!!!!! How come there are no reviews!!!!!! I didn't even read the summary, and I immediately knew that this was about Harry and Dumbledore.

You very nicely alluded to the prodigal son, which I found to be fitting, because I have noticed that JKR used a lot of religious references in her books. Like the quote found on the tombstone of Lily and James Potter is actually a scripture from Matthew in the Bible. The prodigal son image here is just absolutely fitting, because Harry may have run away, but he later comes back to Dumbledore when he "dies" and they reconcile, Dumbledore overjoyed to see his "son" coming back and succeeding.

I also have to commend the style you wrote in. I really found that using this like an actual conversation gave so much voice and tone to Harry. the way you broke your lines up helped to emphasize points that the books brought up. For example, your third line just says, "Your expectations." The "your" is really emphasized, and I can feel the bitterness coming from Harry. The way you wrote it also felt like a relationship with God. You have Harry questioning revelations and instructions, and later saying that he doesn't know anything, that Dumbledore is holding back mysteries and he is omniscient. I truly enjoyed the word, "mission" in line 13. It again not only emphasized some religious aspects, but also gave more purpose to Harry's goal than just walking around looking for stuff.

Even more eye-catching is when you wrote, "But now they say/That I can't have the truth." "They" is very ambiguous, and I actually found it to be very useful, because it puts into my mind that everyone is against Harry, which is how he must have felt many times.

I also found that the repetition of "I thought you perfect" was very poignant and made it stood out from all the other revelations. It also hints at the doubts that are inflicting Harry's mind, and emphasizes the bitterness and emptiness that Harry feels.

And then your last two lines were beautiful! Exquisite! I can actually sense Harry running away, and the fact that you didn't even say "prodigal son" really helps to make "prodigal" stronger and emphasized.

There are some things I would go through and fix. Just minor things. Your fourth line is great, but I think it would be stronger if you split it up into two lines like so:

You put so much trust
In me.


This way, it emphasizes the "me." :)

On your fifth line, it was broken up a little strangely. If you brought "how" from the line down to the sixth line, I think the flow would be a bit smoother: "Now I don't know/ How to not let you down."

Those are my only fixes!!!

So, to recap, this poem was wonderful!! What a great idea, and I'm so glad that you drew inspiration from music. This poem is definitely going into my favorites!

Keep writing! :)

~Nagini Riddle

 

Potter's Song by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 3]

Summary:

Though battered, bruised, and beleaguered, the valourous warriors of Hogwarts stood resolute in the aftermath, ready to carve a new world ” a world of better men and better days.

This poem is dedicated to those individuals.

 

This poem has been nominated for a 2011 Quicksilver Quill Award: Best Poem.



This poem has also been nominated for a 2012 Quicksilver Quill: Best Poem.



Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 107 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/01/11 Updated: 08/01/11


Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 10/02/12 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

How can I leave a review for such a great poem? The rhyme scheme was simple, but it really worked and didn't seem forced, but gave it the rhythm that was beautiful.

I really enjoyed the imagery you used, like "helm" and "smoke." It was able to give a better picture of how we are to work together and also that after dangers and trials, there will always be joy.

What I really enjoyed was that this can work two ways- as a send off to the Harry Potter series, or it actually works as a way to keep memories alive for the wizarding world itself, like songs that are written for heroes. I can totally see this as an ode to Harry that is sung for generations to come after he fought the Dark Lord. People sitting by a fire, ready to bring out battle stories- and out comes this song! :)

I noticed that you used "now" quite a bit in the poem, especially in the second stanza. While I see that it is great to emphasize that the past is behind them and now they must do something, I would suggest removing one "now" from the second stanza.

Overall, I really enjoyed this tribute to Harry! I will always have fond memories, and this poem really helps to emphasize those. :)

~Nagini Riddle

 

A Part of Me by Maple_and_PheonixFeather
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 2]

Summary: Everything he did, he did for her.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 110 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/02/11 Updated: 08/05/11


Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 10/02/12 Title: Chapter 1: A Part of Me

“After all this time?”
Does he not understand?
My love has no end.
She’s always on my heart.


OOOH! Very nice incorporation of the quote! I really like how you chose to come at it from Severus' perspective. The only thing that confused me: "on my heart." What does that mean? "On?" I think it would have worked better as "within" or just "in." Unless you meant that the weight of guilt and love was weighing on his heart. Then if that's the case, I think you should try to make that a bit more obvious.

Does he not understand “
What I would do for her?
For she’s always on my heart;
Her memory haunts me.


Haunts! The simplicity you used is very nice, and it allows words like "haunts" to really stand out. The punctuation, though, makes me hesitate on the first line. I don't think a dash is needed. It doesn't do much for the poem and doesn't really emphasize anything. It really just hinders the rhythm.

What wouldn’t I do for her?
I’ll fight for her always.
Her memory haunts me:
She’s a part of me.


The second line felt a little weak, and I think it's how you worded it. If instead it said, "I'll always fight for my one love," it would have been a bit stronger. However, I did like how you changed up the first line from the previous stanza: "What wouldn't I do?" It really helped to strengthen his character. :)

I’ll fight for her always,
For my love has no end.
She’s a part of me,
After all this time.


I love the ending, especially that it worked out so well for a pantoum!!!! The last two lines are perfect next to each other. The only thing I would fix is to add the word "even" in front of the last line, and then perhaps italicize "all" to really emphasize the depth of Snape's love.

Overall, I really enjoyed your poem!!!! It is a very nice tribute to Severus' love for Lily. Keep it up!

~Nagini Riddle

Author's Response: Ohhhh, thank you for this lovely, lovely, review. Regarding 'on my heart': You make an excellent point. I think it started off as "on my mind", and I didn't like it, but I kept the preposition. This is something I should probably change! I think that your punctuation observation is good, too. I think it was recommended I put one there, but reading back, it doesn't really work all that well. I'm really glad you liked the poem! The subtle word choices are definately things I should fix. Thanks! ~Maple

 

While He Leaves by Ginny Weasley Potter
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 5]

Summary: Harry stood quite still and silent, listening to her sobbing and calling Ron’s name amongst the trees.— Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, by JK Rowling

We know everything about how Harry felt when Ron left him and Hermione in the forest after the huge fight with Harry on that fateful day. But what was the situation in Ron and Hermione’s minds? How could it be from their points of view?

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 139 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/04/11 Updated: 08/09/11


Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 10/01/12 Title: Chapter 1: While He Leaves

Remorse in her eyes and a single tear
Racing down swifter than sound.
Heart shattered, swirling with fear
Will he come back this time around?


Oh, the language used is so beautiful and heart-wrenching! I especially liked the first two lines. They caught my breath, because the imagery just hits me and I can see Hermione with a single tear (single was the perfect word to use) that falls thickly and fast to the ground.

Racing down swifter than sound,
He finds his way through the green;
Will he go back this time around?
Unhurt, unscathed, pristine?


My only problem was the word "unhurt." It doesn't fit with your other choice of words, and sounds a little childish. However, none of the words I think of fit... So maybe "unhurt" works in the long run... :) Now I'm just babbling.

He finds his way through the green
As she calls his name in vain
She hopes he is unhurt and pristine,
That he goes through no more pain.


I love the second line because it pricks my heart and makes me feel her pain. As for the third line, I would change it to "she hopes he is unscathed, pristine" because it helps the rhythm.

She calls his name in vain
He hears her but Apparates on
She only hopes he goes through no pain
And he does repent but the chance is gone.


Hmm. The second line doesn't work for me. And I just noticed that you are rhyming!!!!! So, I would find another rhyme for gone... maybe "but he is silent as the dawn." This gives some more imagery to your poem, too. But you can ignore my suggestion if you so choose.

He hears her but Apparates on
Knowing the remorse in her eyes and the lone tear
He does repent but the chance is gone
He knows her shattered heart, filled with fear.


This last stanza is so touching and beautiful! I think you captured the pantoum really well, and I love the last line! Shattered heart is such a gorgeous, yet melancholic image!!!!! I remember a movie I saw where a queen actually shattered into many pieces, having been a manifestation of a mirror. The shattered heart feels similar! :)

Great job overall! Way to tackle form. I find it one of the more difficult parts of poetry but you captured it very well! Keep up the good work.

~Nagini Riddle

Author's Response: Nagini!

I'm incredibly sorry about the late response. I didn't know how to reply-- oh, this is such a wonderful review! :) But anyway-- I am glad you like this poem. It's one of the few I've written, and I'm not a very good poet, ha!

I'm glad the first few lines impressed you. For a pantoum, the first four lines are the most important, and that has to be sorted before anything else. In the second para, I went with 'unhurt' because I wanted it to be childish. It's like... we become like childern at such times. When we hope, when we love someone, our mind is childish, desperate-- this is what I wanted to show, really.

I will see what I can do about the third para rhythm, as for the fourth para, I'm afraid I have to get him to Apparate, because he's going away-- he can't hear here, he just knows, but he has to go, and being silent and standing there makes it stationary. I will, however, see how I can improve the rhythm. :)

I love the shattering heart imagery-- because I think that's how it feels. Personally, I haven't been through heartbreak, but I've witnessed it's effects on other people and it seems like such a shattering, terrible thing! And I'm glad you like the poem. :) Thank you for the review! :)))

 

Summary: Before he became the Dark Lord, he had been student like any other.
Before it was a sin, it had been a house like any other.
Before it all had ripped her to pieces, she had been a girl like any other.

People change. Sometimes for the worse.

This is the story of Hogwarts when Tom Riddle was there, and how the lure of the Dark Arts led him, and the people he dragged in his wake, to madness.

~


Categories: Historical Genre: Warnings: Character Death, Mild Profanity

Word count: 15034 Chapters: 4 Completed: No
Published:
08/06/11 Updated: 02/24/12


Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 05/25/12 Title: Chapter 4: Year One (iii)

I love Tom Riddle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (is that enough exclamation points?) and I love this story! So please update as soon as possible so I can get my Tom Riddle fix!!!!!

 

Ron Retorts by EatMyPixieDust
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 2]

Summary: A five-stanza companion piece to Hermione Hates, again from GoF to the DH battle, but from Ron's POV. Somewhat blunt, as to his nature.

DH spoilers warning is very mild, but just to be safe.
There is also very mild cursing, but not enough for a warning.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 135 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/10/11 Updated: 08/15/11


Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 10/01/12 Title: Chapter 1: Poem

You hate me.
You are bawling in your dormitory and
It's all my fault you say, but
I have absolutely no idea
What the bloody hell is going on.


Typical of men!!!!! They never understand what is going on. Of course, we women don't give them much to go off of... But I love how you made Hermione like... Hermione! Bawling in her room! Very nice imagery, and I could picture it so well. I felt bad for Ron, because I kind of knew how he felt. You have me hooked! I also like the directness used, which makes it seem like Ron is actually saying this.

You despise me.
Okay, so maybe it was my fault
But I can snog whomever I like,
And don't you think you're being
A bit dramatic?


On the defensive! I again enjoyed how abrupt Ron was and I also loved the way you write each first line. They get gradually nicer. :) And Ron is right. He can do whatever he wants to- but the consequences, he has to watch out for. And Hermione being upset is one of them. Isn't that nice? :)

You pity me.
I left for a reason, and
as far as I'm concerned
your ruddy Horcruxes can go and
jump off a cliff.


Ooh! Snippy and rude! Just like Ron. You captured his language so well! I am very impressed. I have a tendency to not be so abrupt in my writing, but this works so well for Ron. I can imagine him, storming off and Disapparating, shouting that he doesn't want to be part of the search anymore.

You need me.
My eyes open wide
As your screams tear my heart out.
If it's the last thing I do,
I'll kill that woman.


Now this was just beautiful. I like the imagery coming into play, and I can feel Ron's loyalty to Hermione as he plots to kill Bellatrix. I especially loved the first line, followed by the the next two heartbreaking lines. The simplicity of Ron's language just allows the story to unfold, and I can't find any way to make it better.

You love me.
My heart soars in triumph,
We found each other, and I don't care
That Harry's watching, we are together
And I intend for us to stay that way.


Yay! My only crit- I think that you could have italicized "love" in the first line to really emphasize it. But other than that, I felt really happy, and the gradual change you used from hate to love was just splendid! Great job! You captured Ron's voice magnificently.

I also loved the title. "Ron Retorts" sounds so appropriate, especially after reading the poem, because it captures his character well, and also the relationship that Hermione and Ron have developed.

Keep it up! I want to see some more poems/stories, especially those that capture Ron!!!!!

~Nagini Riddle

 

Always by Astoria Greengrass
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 3]

Summary: Lily Potter is a part of Severus Snape. She won't let him alone when he sleeps, he only dreams of her. In the end dreams are all he has.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 298 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/15/11 Updated: 08/15/11


Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 09/29/12 Title: Chapter 1: Always

First off, I want to express how beautiful this poem was. It made me want to cry.

The night is starless when you sleep
All shadow, memories
Beneath the dark hood of your eye
You see her angel face
It's come back through time and space
To haunt your hidden heart
Yet even in the waking hours
She's never left your side


The imagery is just so beautiful! I love the contrast of dark hood to angel. That was genius! I am left feeling empty and sad, just like Snape.
:(

Lily
You whisper her name
In the mist it's just the two of you
Lying together where none can reach
When in truth you lay alone


Oh how the imagination can torture us! I really love the repeat of "Lily" because it really let's me see the poor man crying her name. And I can relate to him thinking about her as he lies in bed, his life no longer bright and cheery. Sigh. I am now despondent....

Lily
Her back is turned
Shining hair like bleeding fire
All passion and your soul
It glimmers though there is no light
Soft to the touch and rich


Ooh!!!!! Bleeding fire! That has to be my favorite description of the entire piece. So beautiful an tragic! And yet, it is soft. I am imagining a fire-flower with soft, dewy petals...

Lily look at me!
You stretch out your hand
But in this state she's moving farther away
Looser than inconstant air
Just beyond your longing grasp


Oh this reminds me of my own poem about Snape, titled "Hear Me." It's not on the archives yet, but in my own poem, he is desperate for Lily's attention. I feel that way with this poem- he wants her to look at him and not leave! It reminds me also of dreams when no matter how hard you try, you can't make out the faces around you, and sometimes you just can't control the dream...

Lily don't leave!
It's the cry wrought from your lips
Stringing the fibers that you're made of
Into a rope to hold her back
And still she's walking toward the edge
To fall where you are blind


Wow! This imagery is very striking. I love the fibers being woven into a rope! And the fact that she is going where Snape can't makes my heart break. The edges of cliffs are dangerous!!!!! No, Lily!

Lily...please...
At last she faces you for a moment
Once more before the last
The soft, sad smile on her mouth
Breaks you apart on the floor
Yet her eyes as green as brand new life
Can only put you back together
And her lips part as if to speak
To damn you or answer your prayers
The silence of the stillness around
Chokes back your bated breath
Then everything is ripped away
Mist, love, dreams, and her
All fading into nothingness
As daylight stabs your hopes
You wake to a new day of no color
Dim compared to the ghost's glow
Sweat lingers on your corpse dead skin
You're dead without her there
Agony flows from your eyes
The drops are green
You weep where none can see you
Over the words she'll never say.


Oh my goodness. She finally turns around, but it taunts him!!! And the color green is so beautiful in this poem. What an imagery!!! I imagine tiny drops reflecting the emerald color of Lily's eyes.
And a day of no color! I see a bleak gray nothingness. The only thing I found superfluous was "corpse dead skin." I think that it interrupts the flow of language. Perhaps change "corpse" to "coarse" because the "p" sound in "corpse" makes the line a bit of a mouthful and hinders the rhythm. But other than that, I can really feel the agony of Snape's pain, and I love how you used "you" because it makes me actually feel like Severus, without even realizing it. Great job!

This poem was just- I can't think of a better word for magnificent. I could really feel the emotions and see the imagery here. What a talent! I wonder how long it took you to write this. :)

Keep it up! I want to read more of these types of poems!!!

~Nagini Riddle (contemplating if killing Severus was a good deed...)

 

I Always Knew by Dragon_Lily
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 3]

Summary: Snape reflects on losing his one true love.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 115 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/15/11 Updated: 08/16/11


Reviewer: Nagini Riddle Signed
Date: 09/29/12 Title: Chapter 1: I Always Knew

Hello!!!! I've come to drop a review into your lap!

Love is undeniable and undefinable,
But I always knew.
She would and could never be mine,
Although my love was true.


I rather liked how this started out. It reminded me not only of the song by Adele, but it reminded me of another song by Madonna, "Like A Prayer." It may be due to the fact that you start out by saying that love is basically a mystery. The rhyme scheme is simple and I find that it actually works for the poem, though I feel that perhaps it could have done without the rhyme. It is Snape that is talking after all, but the rhyme actually allowed the simple language take over. Very nice!

And it happened just the way I thought it would.
Slowly but surely their love grew.
The thing I dreaded most:
But I always knew.


Gah. I hate James Potter, and this only makes me like him less. I really like the anaphora of "I knew" that is present in the poem. It is rather poignant and sad, and is totally relatable because we sometimes do know that something won't go our way, yet we try for it anyway, to show we can deny fate- but sometimes we can't. Poor Severus... I'm curious as to whether or not you support Sev/Lily.

It was to come slow and steady.
The tortoise not the hare.
And to tell her how I feel,
I would never dare.


Things always seem to happen slow- but then they also seem fast at the same time. But I like how you said it was slow, because it shows that Severus could have won, but he was too scared and let time slip away from him. Plus, by alluding to the tortoise, I am surprised that the tortoise, who I am assuming is Snape, didn't win! It takes a cliche and makes it fresh. James was too much of a Hare, yet he still won...

And then just like in my dreams,
Nightmares more or less,
I lost her for this life time,
Bound by love to my eternal test.


Truthfully, I'm confused at the eternal test part. What does it mean? What are you trying to say? That he is in a test for eternity? But what test?

Please treat her well, sir,
She deserves the very best.
I loved her through and through,
But alas, I always knew.


Hmm. I didn't like the word sir. I think it works better without that word. Snape still hates James, remember? And "please" seems not at all like Snape either. I think the line would read better as "Treat her well." Snape would be more commanding, and by taking out "please" and "sir" helps the line become so.
Also, your rhyme scheme doesn't fit. In all the other stanzas, your 2nd and 4th lines rhymed; in the last stanza, you didn't do that. Consistency is the key when it comes to rhyme- so I suggest switching the middle lines to keep the rhyme scheme. The stanza will still make sense, and then it will be consistent with the rest of the poem.

Overall, I really enjoyed this! Poor Severus! He is my favorite character and it breaks my heart that he didn't get his love. I suppose it was inevitable, like your poem suggests, but there is a part of me that hopes their love is revived in another fan fiction.... :)

Keep it up!

~Nagini Riddle

 
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