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Oregonian [Contact]

As my pen name suggests, I'm an American, living in Oregon. I started writing in 2012, just because I had a story (The Baby in the Closet) that I wanted to tell, but since then I have been trying to learn to write better by taking classes at the local college, reading some really useful books on fiction writing, and following their advice. Hopefully it's working!

I like to study history, languages, and science. I try to stretch my writing skills by entering challenges and forcing myself to write to prompts that I would otherwise not write, although Romance, Marauders, and Quidditch are topics I can't write well (so I avoid them). I am a registered nurse and have a daughter and a son.

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Reviews by Oregonian

In the Hufflepuff Way by 1000timesingoldenink

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • Past Featured Story
Summary: Did anybody really appreciate Hannah's mum?

Because Mrs. Abbott was a heroine in her own way, you know.

To my great surprise, this fic was nominated for a 2013 QSQ.
Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 12/07/12 Title: Chapter 1: Two Conversations

I liked this story very much. It is gracefully written, and the many details flesh out the depiction of the character of Hannah's mother. In this world there are probably many mothers like her; they are not flamboyant, but they are what keep the world going.

Author's Response: That reminds of a quote I have up on my wall: "Women hold up half the sky." I guess this doesn't account for all the mothers who hold up three and a half skies at once...

Figgy Christmas by ProfPosky

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • Past Featured Story
Summary: Arabella Figg expected to spend Christmas alone, as she did almost every year - as she did almost everything else. A knock on the door changes that...
Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 12/12/12 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Thank you for writing about Mrs. Figg. There is a lot of unexplored depth to this character, and you are correct in saying that her "batty old lady" persona was just a role that she was playing. I enjoyed this story, but what exactly is the reference to "that death" in the final paragraph? Her mother's death many years ago?

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! Yes, "that death,' was her mother's. I was trying to show how much that little gift, that little note, meant in a life with such purpose - but such isolation. You see it also in Dust, my other story about her, and, well, there may be more little bits coming...I like her, and I feel for her, having to make those visits of Harry's miserable so the Dursleys would use her as a babysitter... Thanks again for reviewing!

The Snow Globe by Nagini Riddle

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: Katie Bell's holidays are anything but happy.
Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 12/14/12 Title: Chapter 1: The Snow Globe

I like this one. The contrast of the tiny, perfect, innocent world inside the snow globe and the broken and flawed world outside. In the midst of trouble, we all wish that we could be in some peaceful, protected place where things go right. Good job.

Author's Response: Thank you. :) I really appreciate your thoughts. I totally agree with you- I sometimes wish for that world, too. But then I think that if it was always peaceful, I might not really appreciate it...

Test Flight by William Brennan

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: The year is 2018. Despite budget problems, NASA and ESA have spent billions on the design and construction of a new spacecraft, entirely in secret. Why? It employs a form of propulsion that could make all others completely obsolete, a form of propulsion as secret as the project itself: Apparition. Hermione Weasley and Cho Chang have been chosen for the test flight, and the first artificially enhanced Apparition is about to be attempted.
Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 05/31/13 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

William, your story will fly for me. I just discovered that you had written a second chapter, and I enjoyed reading it. For some people, including me, the technical stuff is just fine. And I enjoyed the one-sided telephone conversation with the President. It's true that when a story is out of the ordinary, some people will like it a lot and others not at all; I think that that was true for my first story also. But we gotta do what we gotta do.

Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 01/25/14 Title: Chapter 3: Chapter 3

So glad to see another chapter, William. I am enjoying your story immensely.

Author's Response: I'm glad to hear it.

Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 04/23/15 Title: Chapter 5: Chapter 5

Hi, William,

I'm glad you finished this story. True, it was pretty high-tech, but not too high-tech for me, and it was full of interesting ideas. I enjoyed it. Too bad all parties concerned could not make the system work well enough to be reliable, but the spirit of the venture reminded me of the first people to sail around the earth, or travel to the North Pole or the South Pole. There were plenty of failures and deaths in those ventures also.

I liked the fact that your story dealt heavily with a subject that I have long thought about, which is the development of "Muggle" technology in the real world that replicates ideas that were only science fiction, or magic, in my girlhood sixty years ago. I mentioned that idea, extremely briefly, in the third chapter of my first story, but you have developed the concept much farther.

An unusual story, a refreshing change of pace, and an enjoyable read. Thank you for writing.


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 12/16/12 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

William, I am enjoying your story very much. You write very well. Your premise of a convergence of Muggle technology and wizardly magic is an idea that has been flitting around in my mind also, and having lived through the entire Space Age, I enjoy your references to its history. It is a treat to read a story that is out of the ordinary.

Behind My Smile by goldensnidget92

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Fleur Delacour's beauty has its benefits, doesn't it? So why is she attending the Yule Ball with Roger Davis, and not the boy she might actually like? For some reason, Cedric Diggory cannot see beneath that perfect smile of hers; cannot tell that she is so much more than that.

But does she have the courage to show him?
Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 01/01/13 Title: Chapter 1: Behind My Smile

A fun story, and nicely written. We don't see much about Fleur or any of the Beauxbatons students.

Author's Response: Thank you!

Tomorrow Comes by 1000timesingoldenink

Rated: 6th-7th Years •
Summary: Do you hear the people sing?
Lost in the valley of the night,
It is the music of a people who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth,
There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.

The last few moments in the life of Nymphadora Tonks Lupin, daughter of Ted and Andromeda Tonks, wife of Remus John Lupin, mother of Teddy Remus Lupin, Metamorphmagus, Auror, member of the Order of the Phoenix, and posthumous Order of Merlin, First Class.
Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 01/13/14 Title: Chapter 1: Dark and light

Hi, Jenny. I see that Pooja has already written you a long review, but I have not read it yet because I want these comments to be all my own.

I think it is always a challenge to write a battle scene where so much is going on at a rapid pace, and you have to provide enough to give the feel of the battle without including so much that it becomes tedious, and you have to think of different details to include (such as the wooden pixies). (JRR Tolkien dodged this problem in [i]The Hobbit[/i] by having Bilbo knocked unconscious at the beginning of the Battle of Five Armies and not awakening until it was all over!) But you cannot dodge the challenge in this story; it [i]is[/i] the story, and you handle it very nicely. There is just the right amount of violent description to set the scene well, before you get into your main subject, which is the death of Tonks at the hands of Bellatrix.

I noticed that at first you have Tonks using non-lethal spells, stunning, stupefying, disarming, petrifying, but not killing. These spells are appropriate for Auror work in which the goal is to capture the suspects alive and bring them to trial, but not so appropriate for all-out life-or-death warfare, the situation in which she finds herself now. Her extensive Auror training has not really prepared her mentally for a free-for-all like this. She knows intellectually that “this situation was real and deadly,” but she does not change her approach until she sees her husband die. It was perceptive of you to see and write this mental change; I don’t think it was just grief or a desire for revenge, though you show her having those feelings also, but a realization that she [i]had[/i] to take this fight to its ultimate degree.

Bellatrix. It is easy to make her into a caricature or stereotype. There [i] are[/i] some behaviors that she often displays, but they have to be used judiciously. I would have used another word than “cackled”, but her speech about wanting to kill all the unworthy members of her family works well here, without being hackneyed, because in the midst of the battle she actually is counting off how many unworthy relatives are dead and how many are still left to kill. (Was she planning to kill Andromeda someday too, do you suppose?)

It is interesting that you have Bellatrix using [i]Sectumsempra.[/i] In book six Snape states that he invented that spell himself, and I had always assumed that he had never shared it with anyone, but maybe he did. It’s entirely believable that Bellatrix would be sufficiently sadistic to want to kill people slowly rather than instantly. For her, death is not always enough; she wants suffering too.

A couple of tiny observations: obviously Molly is a better dueler than Tonks (let’s hear it for the older generation!) and [i]episkey[/i] doesn’t work if you have lost too much blood.

The seven books don’t really get us inside the head of Tonks very well; why she fought and how she died were never spelled out in any detail. By opening in the midst of the action, this story does not address her decision to join the fight, but it does give a beautiful vision of her final minutes of life. In the end, it’s a sweet story; if she must die, it is nice to know that she drifted away peacefully and unafraid.

A good job on an important moment in the canon.


Author's Response: Thanks for the review, and sorry it's taken me so long to respond! I'm glad you thought I did the battle well; I wanted to set the scene, but didn't want to burden the reader with too much action--not to mention that it would be difficult for me to do as a writer, since I don't like action very much (this is my main problem with part 2 of the 7th movie!) and thus don't like writing it. I like to concentrate on how people think and interact, and this story is pretty typical of my writing in that respect. Of course, I'm still working on writing more complexity into the thoughts and emotions of the characters; I hope Tonks seems fleshed out here. Bellatrix is a challenge, since it's so difficult to empathize with her. And I definitely agree on the suffering thing--Bella likes to play with her food before she eats it...:P I wanted the ending to carry a strong feeling hope, wanted her death not to feel meaningless and cruel, although in some ways I suppose all deaths are, no matter what they're for. At least it made the story a little less sad to read.

The Birthday Girl by Hotrav

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •

The Battle of Hogwarts is over. While the rest of the magical world catches its breath, Hermione must retrieve one vital piece of information so she can find her parents and restore the memories she took from them.

As she waits for the information, she relives her eleventh birthday when a book, a bird, and a denistry patient changed her life.

Beta Reader - WrenWinterSong

Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 01/13/14 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1 - The Birthday Girl

Hello, Horace. This is Vicki of Slytherin House, letting you know how much I enjoyed this story. There are probably many stories with versions of how Hermione was first invited to attend Hogwarts, but yours is one of the best.

All of the writing is smooth and graceful, as is your custom, and the scene in the dentists’ office waiting room is remarkably imaginative in all its details. The long build-up in this section before the arrival of the owl works well to give the feeling of the passage of time as Hermione waits and waits for her parents to be finished with their work. The background information about her magical ability is woven effortlessly into this part of the narrative, so that it does not seem to be just stuck in there out of necessity, and the inclusion of Alice in Wonderland puts her and the reader in the mindset to accept the owl’s behavior. I love her multi-method conversation with the owl, and it is genius to place Professor Dumbledore in the dentist’s chair. He is perfectly characterized, jollier than we sometimes see him in the seven books (rather like Father Christmas), but inviting students to attend Hogwarts must have been one of his most enjoyable tasks.

Questions for this part of the story: What is the significance of the triangle with a tail? I have studied that image and can’t connect it with anything. And Hermione’s parents seem mighty quick to go along with the idea that their daughter is a witch and will attend a special school; they question nothing. The situation is usually written thus, but I always wonder if that is reasonable or logical for Muggle parents.

I liked your description of Hermione’s system for tracking her parents’ whereabouts in Australia, with all the details thought out ahead of time; that is so like her. But even though Mrs Granger sent an envelope once a month, am I correct that Hermione did not go monthly to Hogsmeade to collect it, but rather let all the letters accumulate in a bundle to be picked up on this day? And I wondered why she was irritated by Ron’s failure to come to the Post Office with her, if she did not want him to know how the letters were addressed.

The ending section of the story, Hermione and Ron in the Department of Magical Transportation, was necessary for the story, but less magical for me that the scene in the dentists’ office. Hermione being angry and Ron being apologetic has been written often, and making it seem fresh would be quite a challenge. I liked the detail of the office’s being jammed with people trying to get their exiled loved ones back home again; that would be very reasonable. And the portkey being an Alice in Wonderland white rabbit doll was a very neat way to tie all the ends together.

A very sweet story. What I will remember most is Hermione’s conversation with the owl, and Dumbledore in the dentist’s chair.

The Christmas Truce by Alice Mac

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • Past Featured Story
Summary: 'Tis the season to be jolly - or so the saying goes.

For them it is a time for war; a time for battle strategy and constantly looking over your shoulder.

She thinks there is always time for Christmas - the childish part inside of her that still believes in miracles does, anyway. He thinks she's wrong - but then, he always does.
Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 01/31/14 Title: Chapter 1: One-shot

Hi, Alice. This is Vicki from Slytherin House. I read your other chapter-of-cheer We Happy Few, and decided to try this story also, since it is set in the same situation.

This is not the sort of thing I usually read, and I know that I would be utterly incapable of writing it, but I was curious to see what you were going to do with this low-action, antagonistic-banter situation and where it was going.

You have created 8,000+ words of Hermione’s thoughts interspersed with a little dialogue and descriptions of sitting outdoors in winter’s cold. At first I thought that her ruminations and little flashbacks of memory were digressions to the main line of the story, but I finally concluded that they were the story. And oddly enough, you have her thinking primarily about Draco, about his mood and his attitude, and very little about the guerrilla war that they’re all waging. And in the manner we have come to expect, Hermione over-thinks and over-analyzes everything.

In fact, the only place where her characterization is a little off for me is the sentence, “The base itself had taken her some time to put together due to her general abhorrence of instructions.” I would disagree that she abhorred instructions; in school she followed instructions closely, as in her Potions class. I think she would be more bothered by the absence of instructions, if the “Instructions For Assembly” leaflet that once accompanied the artificial Christmas tree had been lost long ago.

The story is very slow-moving, as if the freezing weather had made everything sluggish, their bodies, their minds, even the pace of the story. And given that they are in a war, there is surprisingly little action; one would have expected more. Even the recounting of the attacks on the four Mugggle villages was just Hermione’s brief recollection in her mind, and it occupied only one paragraph.

After reading your story three or four times and getting the framework (the skeleton of the plot, over which is laid the blanket of Hermione’s thoughts and minute observations of the moment) solidly in mind, I could perceive that the story made more sense. But neither character is attractive. Hermione is so depressed and discouraged, and Draco is so cynical. He seems to be taking out his frustrations about the war by verbally harassing and needling Hermione. By choice he had no friends, preferring to consider that everyone on his side of the conflict was a moron, including, we presume, Hermione. And that is why his sudden change of mood/attitude/behavior at the end seems inexplicable. The last half-dozen paragraphs outline Draco’s apparent change of mood, as perceived by Hermione, but I still don’t see why. Yes, Hermione has told him the story about the Christmas Truce during World War One, but until this point his preference is to reject all her ideas, even to the point of saying that “agreeing to disagree” is the sign of losing an argument. This is what makes the ending not completely satisfying for me.

Still, your story is skillfully written, with sentences that work well and good word choices. I will have to read some of your other stories also, to see if this talent has also produced something more lighthearted.

I Can Tell That We Are Going To Be Friends by littlebird

Rated: 6th-7th Years •
Summary: So it's a Fred and a George who've bowled her over in the corridor of this train. Angelina and the Twins in six acts.
Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 01/01/13 Title: Chapter 1: One-Shot

Very nicely done, Graceful writing, and a more complex treatment of the subject than the usual romance fic. Life is complex, and this fic seems to capture that.

Author's Response: Thank you, Oregonian. This pairing is quite complex. I just wanted to sculpt out a believable scenario and three dimensional characters. I'm glad you feel the fic suceeded.

Thank you so much for reading and for the review!

Albus Potter and the Room of Requirement by Theloonyhermione

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Albus Potter is at his first year at Hogwarts, and things aren’t exactly going as planned. Mysterious deaths of Aurors and the blocked off seventh floor corridor leads to many rumours - but which ones are true?

*AU Warning is for something EXTREMELY small. Honestly, I don't even go near AU stories and the warning is only so that I can put a tiny fact of my head canon into the story. Violence is in later chapters and not bad at all, and character death is very minor.
Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 01/10/13 Title: Chapter 1: Leaving London

Congratulations on starting a new story, and I'll bet that Laird Gastrell will figure in the story somehow later on, since he is a completely new element. I am curious to see what this story will be about, and I will follow your chapters eagerly. Has the Hogwarts Express become updated to be a Bullet Train since the days when Harry rode back and forth? It seems to have arrived at Hogwarts rather quickly. :)

Author's Response: Hi, Vicki!! Thanks so much for being my first reviewer! Laird Gastrell is someone I made up who will play a small part in the story later, but I'll say no more here. I'm glad to hear that you'll be keeping up with the story. About the Hogwarts Express... well, I've always thought that since we're in a magical world, shouldn't the train be magical? If wizards can apparate from one place to each other instantly, then a train could at least go a little faster than a normal muggle train. Just my head canon... Thanks!

You Can Write The Book by teh tarik

Rated: 6th-7th Years • Past Featured Story

That's what Colin's pictures do to you - they make strange folks out of the people you know.

Colin has an eye for detail. So does Dennis.
Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 01/19/13 Title: Chapter 1: it's all in the details

I enjoyed this story. It makes the character of Colin in the books easier to understand, more than just an odd kid who liked to take pictures of everything for no apparent reason.

Author's Response: Oh, thank you for your lovely review! Yes, this fic is an exploration of Colin's character and the relationship between the brothers :) though I think Dennis is slightly overshadowed here. Thanks again!

Pictures in the Life of a Werewolf by Radcliffefan07

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: The untold story of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks told in snapshots.
Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 01/19/13 Title: Chapter 1: Part One

I enjoyed this story, a canon-compliant expansion of a tense part of the Harry Potter saga. The writing is good; it flows well, without the straining-for-effect word choice that one often sees. I am looking forward to the rest of this story.

Author's Response: Thank you! This was my first attempt at Remus and Tonks, so your praise means more than you know. Part two is in the queue as we speak, so it shouldn't be long until you get to read it. Thanks for reading and reviewing and so happy you enjoyed it! :)

Plum Cake by Ginny Weasley Potter

Rated: 6th-7th Years •
Summary: While the trio is camping after escaping the Ministry, Ron decides to do something special for Hermione on her birthday.

This is Ginny Weasley Potter of Hufflepuff house, writing for the 2013 Great Hall Cotillion.

(Rated high for the profanity)
Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 01/20/13 Title: Chapter 1: Forgetful Ron

A sweet story. I liked the fact that Ron could recognize (at least part of the time) that his negative thoughts stemmed from his wearing the locket. It is good to see him depicted as not being completely controlled by his emotions 100% of the time, but rather able to look at himself more objectively (at least part of the time). Also a good illustration of the fact that when times are tough, the smallest of luxuries is greatly appreciated.

Author's Response: I like to think that at some points, Ron did realise what the locket was doing to him-- because at the time when he destroyed it, he told Harry about how it seemed to affect him the worst. So I think, maybe, he had these vacillations... maybe he couldn't understand it at some points, but at others, he could remind himself that it was just the locket. Nonetheless, he did manage to lose control over these realisations at one point-- we all know that. :)

According to me, Ron isn't as emotional as he is made out to be sometimes. He's capable of being reasonable. Of course, he has his bad moments here and there, but he's the guy I can relate to the most-- the most human of JKR's characters, if you will. I like how he can be sweet, loyal, loving, idiotic, mental, insecure, jealous and adorable, all at the same time. :)

I quite agree with you on that last part-- when times are tough, these tiny luxuries seem lovely. Thank you for the review!

Feathers for Figg by ProfPosky

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: He'd been called Mundungus for years; he knew what people thought of him -- he thought it of himself. Unable to face the Death Eaters flying at him, he Apparated away in a moment of panic, leaving Alastor Moody to his fate. No one has come looking for him since. He made sincere attempts a losing himself. And yet, there is one person he knows who wonders, cares, and remembers the name of his glory days, and does something about it.
Along the way, there may be some mild profanity, threatened violence and sexual situations, but nothing graphic.
This is ProfPosky of Gryffindor writing for the 2013 Great Hall Valentines Day Cotillion Challenge. I am no longer a mod.
Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 01/22/13 Title: Chapter 1: The Apparation of Arabella Figg

Yes, I do read through to the end; as you know, I have an interest in developing the character of Arabella Figg (if you read my story through to the end). The last two paragraphs were not completely clear to me. Who is Edward? Another name for M. Fletcher? I am sure it will become clear as the story proceeds.

Author's Response: Yes, I did read your story through to the end! And I loved what you did with Arabella in the Epilogue. I love the characters that are fairly well defined withing a very small window, like Arabella, and Dung, and Moody - they are very real, there is a personality you have to respect, but they can be expanded in logical directions outside of the small angle we get on their lives. You'll find out a bit about Edward in the next chapter.The earlier two stories show them interacting before things get so terribly tense in the Wizarding World, and I think I am keeping true to my elaborations of their characters. The two of them are outsiders in two different ways - I like to think that at least gives them some point of commonality to work from... I see Dung very much as he is in the books and the illustrations, rather than in the Movie - I think that Dung has some things in common with Book!Dung, but has way too much energy, and is way way too clean...

Dangerous Liaisons by eternalangel

Rated: 6th-7th Years • Past Featured Story
Summary: It was a dangerous game she was playing; Dorcas Meadowes knew it, but the exhilaration of it all was a tantalizing addiction.

This is eternalangel of Ravenclaw wriitng for the Valentine Cotillion.
Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 01/22/13 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Nicely crafted, well constructed. The characters are well developed and the plot is original. One gets tired of reading the same stuff over and over, but this story is different. A good blend of romance and action, fitting well into the canon.

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the very helpful review. I was a little worried that the pairing wouldn't work for people and I'm glad it did.

His Light by Sly Severus

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: Lucius was always the one to take care of Narcissa, but when he returns from Azkaban a broken man, their roles are reversed. Narcissa is ready to be the strong one and protect the family she loves so dearly.
Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 01/20/14 Title: Chapter 1: His Light

Hi, Elle. This is Vicki, of your own House, here to give you a hearty pat on the back for this very nice story. If you have read my recent poem Narcissa In The Forest you already know that I too have a positive opinion of Narcissa.

Although Narcissa is sometimes dismissed as a weak character, mainly because she doesn’t go to outrageous extremes like Bellatrix or defy her family’s values like Andromeda, Narcissa doesn’t deserve such a tepid assessment. In canon she exhibits strength, initiative, and great love for her son. It is reasonable that she exhibits great love for her husband also.

The family’s strong sense of elitism and class prejudice is, alas, reflected widely in the real world, and it shows itself in a dismissive, uncaring attitude toward people (or beings like house-elves) who are supposedly inferior to themselves, but within their own class, these elitists can be very loving.

By beginning the story with some paragraphs about Narcissa’s concern for Draco, you establish her loving nature, and it is significant that her rage toward Voldemort is triggered not by what he is doing to the lower classes, but by what he is doing to Narcissa’s own family. For her it is all intensely personal. And although she is capable of strong emotion, such as love and rage, you show her ingrained habit of self-control in the lines ”…she realized her emotions were swirling out of control. Taking a deep breath she attempted to calm herself.” This tight self-control is what later allows her to deceive Lord Voldemort in the forest and save, not only her family, but the wizarding world. For this reason, I think your line ”She fled towards the sound in full panic,” might be a little overstated; she probably acted less panicky than someone else might have done, given the same amount of fear.

You have shown her tender side very realistically in the scene where she finds her husband lying on the floor, but also her tough side, in the lines “She needed to see his wounds…” and “…she knew she couldn’t give in to her urges…; she needed to heal him.” When she describes his physical state as “Nothing we can’t fix,” it is really “Nothing Narcissa can’t fix.”

Given the seriousness of the situation and the wretched physical state of her newly-escaped husband, I didn’t think that there would be giggling, a mischievous grin, or a shower a deux. Those don’t seem to be Narcissa’s style; they sound more like things that Ginny would do.

I was struck by the lines of conversation where Lucius said, “This is all my fault. I failed, and you and Draco paid the price,” and Narcissa answered, “None of this was your fault.” I re-read the pertinent chapters of Order of the Phoenix to see how much at fault he was, and he certainly did seem guilty, so Narcissa’s words suggest either that she didn’t know the details of his behavior, or that love is blind.

This story is smoothly written, with a good balance between introspection, description, dialogue, and action. The details give a vivid image of the events of the story, and the introspection does not go needlessly into topics not closely related to the plot. All the elements of this story serve to further the plot, and that is good.

I enjoy reading well-written Missing Moments. The seven books are necessarily all written from Harry’s point of view; nothing is presented that Harry does not witness, but the Missing Moments enrich the whole saga immensely. All the characters are valuable, and all their stories deserve to be told. Thank you for a good job.

The Prisoner by weasley-malfoy-aficionado

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •

A prisoner of Azkaban reflects on what is and what could have been.

Little did he know that he was in for a surprise…

Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 03/15/14 Title: Chapter 3: Chapter 3: The Transformation

Hi, Priya. This is Vicki of Slytherin House, commenting on your unfinished story The Prisoner. This sounds like a rollicking good story, with an active plot, good details, and intriguing characterizations. The writing style is a little unpolished here and there, but the lively plot easily outshines any occasional rough edges, and we all know that the most polished of writing cannot save a boring story.

Throughout the story you follow the important rule of “Show, don’t tell”, so Draco’s emotions are revealed well by your description of his actions, his out-of-control behavior after his trial and his Model-Prisoner behavior when he starts implementing his new plan. The description of the events of his daily life in prison, at the opening of the story, gives us a good sense of the setting in which this story takes place, the mention of the prison reforms juxtaposed with the callous behavior of the prison staff.

I also appreciated the humor that creeps into your story here and there: the prisoner’s glee at “tricking” the guards by pretending to be asleep when they come to awaken all the inmates; his outlandish imaginings about what he would do and say at his trial, where “they would lead me out like a king”, while he would glory in the sight of “thoroughly pissed-off Potter and a similarly stymied Weasley, fuming with rage, with matching red faces and clenched fists.” When Draco injures himself rampaging in his cell and then begs the Healer for a deadly potion, the Healer would decline the request and “keep on bandaging useless parts.” These bits of humor, tossed in seemingly at random, are a sign of the writer’s art; they attract our attention momentarily and impel us to read further.

Your story also has good suspense. You have given us hints of what happened in the past, enough to set our brains speculating about the details left unspoken, but not distracting from our sense of the present. And though you incorporate flashbacks, both to the farther past and then to the nearer past, the time sequence is very plain; I was never confused about what was happening when. I am left wondering how Hermione was used as “bait” to trick Draco into supporting the Dark Lord, and what Draco’s newly-hatched vengeance plan is going to be. Somehow, being a Model Prisoner is the first step, but what next?

The auxiliary characters in this story are depicted well in just a few sentences each”the guards who are inexplicably worried when Draco falls and skins his knees, the Minister who summarily sentences Draco to life imprisonment in a one-minute mockery of a trial, the unsympathetic, matter-of-fact prison Healer who is just doing his job. In each case, you characterize these players by showing actions that reveal what they are like.

I hope you finish this story because you seem to have the sine qua non of storytelling: a good story and the ability to tell it in a captivating way. The polish will come, but meanwhile the enjoyment is already there. Good Luck!

Author's Response: Hi, Vicki... this is Priya here... I am extremely sorry for the late response... but I have tried to make it up with an update... hope you like the new chapter as well... !!! And also a very big thanks for your compliments... I didn't think I deserve such praise though... but thanks anyway for encouraging me... I will try to improve my writing skills and update faster... !!! Regards and gratitude Priya