Good place to stop: the mystery continues on several fronts and the resolve is not far away. The dialogue is especially welcome. Again, your paragraphs are too long to keep suspense active. Perhaps revising your text to create clean, sharp sentences will help. Good luck
Author's Response: Again, the first long paragraph is Bill reflecting over the events -- since he acts as the detective in this mystery, I find it important that the reader gets some form of insight into his thoughts, so that they can keep track of how his investigation is advancing and form their own ideas. The second long paragraph is the description of Ragnok's tent, which is necessary because I don't like my characters talking in empty spaces. It's also an aspect of the whole magiarchaeology business that I hadn't really explored yet -- the side of the Gringotts goblins -- and feel might interest readers too. Really, I'm only touching on the surface with this description and only providing what's necessary for the scene that the dialogue takes place in.
Also, while I love writing and reading dialogue a lot, I feel like a story can't be made up exclusively of it. It works on occasion, and there was a challenge around here that produced some wonderful examples. However, with a mystery story, I myself need a scene to set the characters and their dialogue in -- and also to serve as a place where clues can be hidden.
The thing is that the story isn't supposed to be one long rising line of continuous suspense. I don't want to give readers a heart attack. Tension here is meant to move in waves. There are parts that are more suspenseful, and then others that are pauses where both the characters and readers can take a breath and organise their thoughts. Here, especially the second part of the chapter is very literally the calm before the storm -- which is very close to the final action, but also always will be a moment of calm where Bill has time to sit down and think.
I'm not entirely sure what you mean about "clean, sharp sentences". Maybe if you could provide an example, I'd be able to work with it in a better way.
Once more, thank you for reading and reviewing. It's good to know that at least some parts of the chapter seem to work for you. The criticism you give might be easier to understand if you gave examples of what you mean, or elaborated.
Loved the concept and storyline. Hate the ending...just doesn't have much resolve. Feels like there should be a third chapter.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review.
Very nice..just the right balance of near-middle-age maudlin that rings true for those of us found caught in its grasp and the stability of a solid work-in-progress relationship. Good job. I do so enjoy your creative flair and command of story-telling.
Author's Response: Thank you very much. This was rather a self-insertion fic to begin with because I was writing when I'd discovered I wasn't going to have anyone with me on my birthday, but the story took an upturn when my birthday did, too. Sadly I didn't meet Oliver, or even go out - ha - but did get champagne and food.
Thanks again for reviewing ~Carole~
Your descriptive writing is impressive; however, the paragraphs are much too long. I felt frustrated at times. Crisp dialogue is preferable, with supportive text. Move your readers through the action...don't weigh them down with lengthy text.
Author's Response: Thank you for your comments. As a psychologically and philosophically-driven work, I'm afraid this story may not be your cup of tea if you, as your post suggests, prefer a dialogue and action-driven text. There will be upcoming chapters with almost no dialogue at all. My tastes tend to be far less modern and action-packed than your average Hollywood ADHD blockbuster, and this will undoubtedly mark a difference in my take on the wonderful mythos Rowling has created for us.
Very nice twist...I had not expected Hermione at all.
This story is complicated and a bit thick to read and follow. Your use of detail is quite good, but also overwhelming at times. Be careful not to lose your reader along the way...
The entire psychological balancing act is sometimes overwhelming and I commend you for the clarity of storyline! You are creating a rather interesting aura of tension in the unraveling of Malfoy's life at Hogwarts: Hermione's POV is wonderfully rich! Keep up the good work.
Author's Response: Yeah, it's quite difficult staying true to the character of Draco Malfoy while making him actively nicer at the same time. What I'm going for is a sort of Malfoy without the inbuilt prejudice - but, of course, he's wrestling with his own mind, trying to retrieve memories that he can't get a handle on. I hope I'm doing a competent job at expressing that! Thank you so much for reviews, I really enjoy hearing what I'm doing right and wrong. I hope you continue to enjoy the story :) ~ Alice
You've certainly pulled the knot tighter...the strands of Granger and Malfoy melding more and more! As much as I do enjoy the details and tension, at some point you need to reveal more of the background story that creates the situation. Be it the capture of the Lestranges, a Parkinson confession...whatever. As long as the chapters are being posted infrequently, the story will get heavier and the readers will become frustrated! Plan your action carefully!!!
The opening section at the party was a bit confusing given the amount of lapsed time since the last installment. Bringing some sort of closure to the HG/RW relationship was a good transition, though. The dialogue with PP/TN/BZ was quite amusing: taking them down "memory lane" via the Non-Disclosure?? Brilliant. The use of "MudBlood Granger?" Not so much. Theodore Nott's apparant leadership role? Interesting, considering Blaise Zabini's prior status in Slytherin House. I hope you post the next chapter more quickly: you've left your readers dangling with the very last paragraph!!! Good job!
I enjoyed this chapter; an opportunity to lay foundations for future dialogue and to support both Harry's and Ron's positions in the story. Keep the chapters coming!
Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter - it's mostly about her trying to get through to him and him exhibiting his stubbornness which is a trait found in both Malfoy and Wyvern. Obviously he'll have to speak eventually, but I wanted to show that it's not going to be as easy as all that for the two of them. You'll come to see more of the differences in Ron and Harry's attitudes in later chapters. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story! Thanks again for the review ~ Alice
You have set up the story very well. The terse interaction between Hermione and Robards is quite palatable. I sense several layers of meaning in the multitude of reactions at the Ministry: with Harry and Ron, Seamus, and especially the Auror Director. As for Malfoy...nicely done! I look forward to watching the storyline unfold.
Author's Response: I'm glad you thought that the interaction between Hermione and Robards was well done - they're both quite logical people and in my mind, Robards is rather like Moody in terms of strictness, only with out the 'Mad' aspect! Their reactions will be explored more fully in subsequent chapters, I promise :) Thanks for reviewing ~ Alice
Progress with Malfoy's memories through his dreams? Nicely done.
As detailed a story this is, I hope you do not lose sight of the intersecting plotlines you've started that include Parkinson, Zabini, and Nott. I like the blossoming relationship between Leo and Hermione. Now that you are resettled, may the chapters continue to flow!!!!
Author's Response: I'm glad you like that aspect of it - it will feature again, only not in the next chapter as there are other key things I want to focus on. Don't worry, you will definitely be seeing Parkinson, Zabini and Nott again - I enjoy writing them too much, for a start. Their part will come a little later in the story, however. I'm sensing this story is going to be a pretty long one! The next chapter is being beta'd, so hopefully it'll be up soon. Thanks so much for you review! ~ Alice
The story you are unraveling should not be handled lightly. Be very guarded as you take on the confrontations between Hermione and Draco: they are the nucleus of character development. The underlying cause of Draco's current identity issue should not be trite. Please consider the many facets of being Malfoy-turned-Wyvern and give us substance in your plotline! Good luck!
Author's Response: I hope that it will be clear in subsequent chapters that I'm not going to handle their situation lightly - even as Hermione begins to believe that Malfoy is telling the truth, it's going to take a lot for her to separate them and allow her to think of Wyvern without a degree of bias. The underlying issue for Draco's condition wont become apparent until later in the story, but in getting to that point, there will of course be much exploration of Malfoy-turned-Wyvern, both in their similarities and their differences. I hope you're not disappointed with the direction of the rest of the story! Thanks for the review ~ Alice
This is a fairly ambitious undertaking, one you have accomplished well. I like the idea of "filling in the missing moments" and following canon to boot! Good job. The scene with Ron and Mr. Weasley in chapter 17 is my favorite.
Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing! This was only meant to be one chapter when I started so I really had no idea how ambitious an undertaking it was to be honest. With that scene I wanted to show that Arthur would have been just as upset as Molly - it seems like that is forgotten in some fics - as well as giving Ron a bit of a boost. I'm glad you liked that part and the rest and thank you so much for taking the time to review :)
To have taken so much care to set up Terry's dilemma, then not to resolve the plot is somewhat anti-climatic, isn't it? He and Tracey are in the Owlry...above, but not exempt, from the flying curses. When Terry covered Tracey's eyes, I expected to read how the stones exploded, the floor collapsed, and last thoughts of free-falling into eternity together...something dramatic. Your ending does not satisfy the angst of your characterizations. Sadly, a missed opportunity.
Author's Response: The ending is intentionally left open. I do know exactly what happens immediately afterwards, but I wanted the possibility of Terry and Tracey surviving, however slight, to be there. The purpose of the story was not to show what happens during the battle, but to show the events that led to a Slytherin and a Ravenclaw being there in the first place. Also, personally, I feel annoyed if a story conforms to my expectations. If I guess that something will happen, and then it does, I feel deeply dissatisfied as a reader, and therefore I try to make it surprising. Ithink the image of two people trapped on the edge of death is dramatic enough in itself, without me having to resolve it for you. It also serves the purpose of satisfying those who wish to believe they lived happily ever after, and people like yourself, who think that they were both dramatically killed. So I do not see this story as a missed opportunity, but just one that does not meet what you expected it to do. Alex
LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS STORY!!!!!!!! You captured the day perfectly. My hat is tipped to you!
This is a lovely story. Thank you for writing it!
This is Acacia Carter of Hufflepuff writing for the first third of the Character Triathalon, for the "missing moment" prompt.
Many thanks to Jess for the lightning-fast beta.
LOVE IT!!!!!!!! Wonderful backstory/addition to Book 7. You captured the ugliness of Hogwarts under the Carrows' influence. Good job!
The end of the world comes not from the hand of Lord Voldemort, but an incurable disease. When Britain falls, those that are left must keep on running.
And never stop.
Winner of the 2012 Quicksilver Quill Award for Best Alternate Universe!
Very interesing read! I like the way you used a reversed timeline. Wish you could have told us why Malfoy Manor was protected, though.
Author's Response: Thanks! Hm... I like to leave some details unanswered ;)
While the middle section was a triffle thick and sometimes heavy to read, you eventually brought this reader to a satisfactory ending. I, too, have experienced the identity-crushing reality of a biological father who turned his back on a select few in the family, when I was age 43, no less! The ensuing triumphs and personal satisfactions in my life are not tainted by this selfish man's actions: on the contrary, my children and grandchildren are spared the criticisms of a bigoted, narrow-minded patriarch and we live life to the fullest.
Good job for you!!!!
Author's Response: I'm glad the emotions/characterizations rang true for you. I'll keep revising the prose on this piece in an attempt to find a balance between thick/unwieldy narrative and keeping the reader spinning in circles for a bit, which is what I want to do, at least until closer to the ending. Thank you very much for the feedback; this was very helpful for me. :)
Had I not double-checked to see what other stories you had written, I would have missed this delightful, insightful piece.
Looking forward to reading the sequel installments.
Author's Response: Then I am very glad that you double checked! Thanks very much for your review, I'm very pleased that you enjoyed it!