As sick and dark as you've written this story, the end seems to have very little chance of being positive in a realistic way. Perchance this is your purpose?
Author's Response: Erm ... I know that the story can't have a completely happy ending, that's true, but I also don't think that it will end with the world burning. A lot of it depends on which way one scene swings (and yes, it is only based on one scene), but it WILL bring closure. It will either be bittersweet or heartbreaking (because there is honestly no way Nick can completely recover from this). I guess I just have to decide. Thank you so much for the review, though! (and how often in life are there completely happy endings?)
Generally, this is a good "update" chapter, but perhaps not the best with all the info that seems to come at the reader without much thought. The last paragraph? Sorry...just too short. Doesn't build the kind of suspense I'm sure you were looking for.
The story just doesn't flow with the lack of interesting dialogue. This was a difficult chapter to read. And I did note that Hermione did not take the blue potion prior to clubbing...I guess that is going to be revealed in the following chapters?
Draught of Living Death? Doesn't that insure the affected one is in a "state" of presumed death, not actual death???
Very nice: believeable and a good read. I especially appreciate the amount of character conversation and interaction, plus the shorter and succinct descriptive passages. Are we seeing a Luna/Ernie matchup here??? The "L" names allude to our favorite Ravenclaw...more seasoned and changed, perhaps?
Author's Response: Glad you liked it. I will go ahead and tell you it isn't Luna. Since she and Ernie were in Dumbledore's Army together, I'm sure he would not forget her. I really need to finish chapter two and put you all out of your guessing... haha. Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to review. I really appreciate it! ~ Lori
Very nice ending...bringing most of the loose ends together. Enjoyed the children's reactions immensely; Rose is definately her mother's daughter. Can't help but notice the remaining dangling plotlines involve major choices! Excellent! Do hope you pursue another story beyond the epilogue and allow us opportunity to see Draco as DADA prof with Hermione Malfoy at his side.
Interesting storyline with a variety of possibilities. Might I suggest you keep the tension palatable between Draco and Hermione? Create a multitude of interactions that scream the sexual tension without the act?? Develop "dueling dialogue", imbued with humor and curiosity. As you already pointed out...15 years have passed and our main characters have history to put behind them and discoveries before them. Good luck!
Excellent! I knew the floo would eventually spit out Ron at an unwelcomed time! I like how you kept Draco's responses controlled, from the first arm motion on the sofa until the end of the duel. Didn't see the Incidaere Curse coming...very effective. At first I thought Ron might hit Hermione with a curse as she ran into the room, resulting in Draco's protective side rising to the fore. Still, I like how you turned the plotline and look forward to a bit more confrontation between Ron and Hermione...a clearing of the air, so to speak that leaves Ron without doubt that the marriage is over. Oh yes...I hope you use Draco's time-restrictive visits with Scorpius to motivate Hermione to set up a more secure visitation system that benefits everyone in the family. Good job. I am anxious for the next chapter.
Ah...too short of a chapter, this one! The dueling descriptions are good. Keep them up. The drink in Draco's apartment...not enough tension to preface the interchange before Draco's duel with his Instructor. Do not underestimate the value of dialogue: the miscommunication, double entendre, and POV. I know you know...
Looking forward to chapter 5...SOON!
Sorry, but the start of this chapter didn't have the polished feel as with your previous work. Perhaps you felt rushed to get Hermione and Draco into bed? The hug/kiss at Defense Class was out of place as well: what happened to the tension? the battle of thoughts/diversion? Less graphic sex and more intellectual development will provide you with the quality and surprise of intimacy necessary to keep Draco and Hermione's personas authentic. Lots of baggage to unload for Draco: info that will provide heady conversations and unexpected choices if you care to go that way. And don't forget the interactions of Rose/Hugo/Scorpio. I suspect their friendships could have an enormous impact on Draco and Hermione's futures. Just a thought or two.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Constructive criticism is always helpful. I generally find there are two ways to go about a Draco/Hermione story - either spend a long time building up the relationship and have the climax/conclusion involve them finally getting together, or get them together initially and spend the remainder of the story struggling through the challenges they face as a couple. I'm obviously going the latter route with this story, and as I've never really wanted or intended it to be a novel-length 150,000 word behemoth, I needed to skip over a month or two of their relationship build-up, get them together and then move on from there. Hope you're still enjoying it!
Another thought: Draco and Hermione are intelligent people. Don't reduce their relationship to sex. Grow their friendship.
Ah...a little mental distraction and Zap! the wand is out of the hand. Good job!! Perhaps a bit more description during Hermione and Draco's disarming practice: highlights of their spellcasting and blocking that moved them around the room and consequently resulted in their being the center of attention. Am looking forward to chapter 4!
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I am not as good at writing action scenes; the relationships are my strong point, so I try to keep the focus on that. I do think you'll get some good action (in so many ways!) later in the story, though, so stay tuned!
Very nice; richly interwoven with emotion. I appreciate your subtle,but heady description in the opening paragraphs. (I was a tad nervous one of the other "unrestricteds" would floo in at a most inopportune moment!) Thank you for abbreviating the inevitable Ron/Hermione post-divorce talk; I thought Hermione's summary to Draco was effective on the heels of Astoria's curt/dictatorial visit and Draco's unexpected outburst...which I also thought shed a stunning light on the Malfoy situation. (Hadn't considered the wizarding world being concerned about Draco raising Scorpius in the same manner Lucius raised him! ) Glad to know you will be posting weekly...I am enjoying the story. I hope you have maintained the tension that sets up Draco and Hermione's discussions and revelations of self. Good job
Nice wrap-up. I look forward to adventures to come with Professor and Mrs Malfoy!
Very nice chapter...quite a swing of emotions and reactions. Glad to have another point of tension between Hermione and Draco that will eventually strengthen the relationship. As for Ron not being punished as of yet...perhaps there should be some kind of censor put on him at work? A desk job for x-amount of weeks, plus anger management training and a block on his access to Hermione's floo. No amount of fame should prevent him feeling some consequences for his actions.
I enjoyed the confrontation between Astoria and Draco. Eventually he will realize the positives associated with Hermione's presence in his life...but not yet. They have a long way to go.
Looking forward to another chapter!
Wonderful chapter! The story needed this aside; non- Hermione/Draco interaction and an opportunity to set the stage for future conflicts/resolutions. I encourage you to continue on this course. Hermione and Ron must sit down with their children and Draco needs time with Scorpio. I hope you do not leave the "telling" to Ron alone...unless you desire to expose him as the short-sighted doofus he appears to be in this tale. Harry and Ginny's presence would be stablizing, in any case. I doubt Hermione would want her children to think badly of their father no matter what he's done...but I also hope you give the kids opportunity to call out Wendi on their own. Let them submit her to a child's critique and question her motives for getting involved with a married man in the first place, no matter how unhappy their parents were. Just a thought. Good writing, and good luck!
Sorry, another thought after I submitting the first: I like the way you've brought Pansy and Draco together and revealed the trust issue between them. I think you would be doing the story a big favor by not breaking it. Perhaps a show of solidarity between these Slytherin friends that will eventually bring about change in Draco's ability to interact with Scorpio more frequently in future?
Nicely done. I know I didn't suspect Marcus,nor Natasha. I was a little skeptical when Deverill blocked Marcus from view during the veritaserum dosing...you did a good job.
Author's Response: Thank you very much :)
Yes...finally a suspense-filled chapter that reads quickly, elevating in tension! The long paragraphs are frustrating!
Author's Response: Thank you very much for this review! I really appreciate it. I'm not entirely sure I agree with you on the length of the paragraphs -- there are four longish ones in the beginning that are fairly reflective, and take place before the suspense is being built. After that, they barely even reach five lines, which I don't really see as that long. Each paragraph break is after all a moment's pause in reading and breaks up the flow if used too often.
I'm very glad you found it suspenseful and quick to read. That's exactly what I was going for. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story!
Good place to stop: the mystery continues on several fronts and the resolve is not far away. The dialogue is especially welcome. Again, your paragraphs are too long to keep suspense active. Perhaps revising your text to create clean, sharp sentences will help. Good luck
Author's Response: Again, the first long paragraph is Bill reflecting over the events -- since he acts as the detective in this mystery, I find it important that the reader gets some form of insight into his thoughts, so that they can keep track of how his investigation is advancing and form their own ideas. The second long paragraph is the description of Ragnok's tent, which is necessary because I don't like my characters talking in empty spaces. It's also an aspect of the whole magiarchaeology business that I hadn't really explored yet -- the side of the Gringotts goblins -- and feel might interest readers too. Really, I'm only touching on the surface with this description and only providing what's necessary for the scene that the dialogue takes place in.
Also, while I love writing and reading dialogue a lot, I feel like a story can't be made up exclusively of it. It works on occasion, and there was a challenge around here that produced some wonderful examples. However, with a mystery story, I myself need a scene to set the characters and their dialogue in -- and also to serve as a place where clues can be hidden.
The thing is that the story isn't supposed to be one long rising line of continuous suspense. I don't want to give readers a heart attack. Tension here is meant to move in waves. There are parts that are more suspenseful, and then others that are pauses where both the characters and readers can take a breath and organise their thoughts. Here, especially the second part of the chapter is very literally the calm before the storm -- which is very close to the final action, but also always will be a moment of calm where Bill has time to sit down and think.
I'm not entirely sure what you mean about "clean, sharp sentences". Maybe if you could provide an example, I'd be able to work with it in a better way.
Once more, thank you for reading and reviewing. It's good to know that at least some parts of the chapter seem to work for you. The criticism you give might be easier to understand if you gave examples of what you mean, or elaborated.