Not an easy story to read, with spurts of cohesive dialogue interrupted by elementary-sounding descriptions.
Be careful to keep in first-person as much as possible. Descriptions should flow without too many prepositional phrases. Write in active fashion, not passive.
Bravo!!!! Excellantly played out; you captured Draco and Hermione well. Love the ending and how you did not gloss over the emotional details. Fleshed out and full of the conflict associated with grief/surprise/resolution. Good job
Author's Response: Thank you! Endings are always tough: you have to wrap up everything that the story's been leading to, and there's a fine line between too much and not enough. It's satisfying to hear that I got it right. :)
I certainly didn't expect this...so much emotion and depth in the second conversation. You have described my own mother, now gone for 18 years! Her heroic battle was with cancer...6 different kinds in 10 years...and she faced each one with an incredibly upbeat attitude and determination none of us could fathom. The death of a parent is never easy (I was 40, the oldest of three like Hannah). I commend you for this excellent story. Wish it had been submitted for a MNFF contest.
Author's Response: Thank you. The Mrs. Abbott in the story was originally my own mom, but she sort of morphed into being very much like my grandma, who died two years ago after a long struggle with Alzheimer's. I'm so glad you see your own mom in her, too...that's amazing, fighting so many cancers like that!
As interesting a concept this is for a story, the terminology and technical aspects are overbearing. Sorry...this is just not going to fly (no pun intended) and the length of time since your last submission is proof.
This is lovely: a nice balance of interaction, intrigue, and background. Readers new to HP would not catch the references from the books, which makes this story very special to those who have become attached to the characters from the early years. Great job.
Author's Response: Hi, baby54boomer!
Thank you so much. I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
Thanks for reading and for the review!
This is a wonderful piece; thoughtful, revealing, and artfully constructed. The Colin we love is given dimension and life. We can see his raised eyebrows and exuberent smile as he waits to snap another photo. His passion for "capturing the moment" fairly radiates from the page. Dennis's memories touch our hearts.
Author's Response: Hello there!
Wow, what a lovely review! I'm sorry for taking so long to respond. The Creeveys are such a sad story, even sadder because we hear nothing about them after the final battle. I'm so glad you found Colin a rounded, realistic character full of 'dimension and life'. He certainly is exuberant! Such a contrast to Dennis. Thank you so much for this lovely review again!
Great story...I hope you can maintain the tight prose and descriptive narrative throughout.
Author's Response: Thank you very much! I hope I can too. I have a word limit so it will have to be tight, lol. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, I really appreciate it! ~Gina :)
Scorpius Malfoy has watched Lucy fall apart for the past year. He wants, more than anything, to help her get well. Much like Lucy, he feels like he hasn't done anything worth remembering. This, he thinks, could be his chance.
I am Padfoot11333 of Hufflepuff writing for the 2013 Great Hall Cotillion.Three times nominated for a 2013 Quicksilver Quill - Best Non-Canon Romance, Best Dark/Angst, and Best Next-Gen. Thank you everyone!
Self-acceptance and the need to be loved for self; is this what you are wanting the reader to glean from Lucy's experience?
Very nice. I appreciate the backstory and intertwined personal info on Angelina and how George is involved. Good job.
Author's Response: Thanks. I've been thinking about this one for some time. George has been involved with Angelina for years, without ever being involved with her. -N-
Hashing out the age-old arguments of "you don't unerstand" and "when have I ever" can seem endless. Thank you for breaking the loop and moving Hermione to action. PLEASE do not send her to Patrick: provide Hermione with a neutral landing place where she can think/postulate/decide. You appear to have created an obstenate Ron and a forgiving Hermione; now open her eyes to the reality of their doomed romantic relationship and move her along pragmatically, with closure and a purpose!
Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing! This story is kind of all about breaking the loop of their old arguments and the two of them growing up because of that. I know what you mean about the Hermione going to Patrick idea and I promise this won't be that type of fic. Anyway, I hope you enjoy what is to come!
Interesting turn of events.
Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing! Haha, yeah, interesting would probably be the word to use here.
Excellent reveal! Thank you for quickly addressing Patrick's self-absorbed hypocrisy. No reason to drag out Ron's concerns/apparent jealousies and leave the reader conflicted.
The narrative is tightly constructed and the interaction pleasingly quick. I look forward to the next installment. Will we find Ron wallowing in a Firewhiskey stupor? Will he surprise us all and end up at Hermione's parents'? Does he demonstrate a yet-unseen maturity and return to Grimmald Place? Please do not have him commit an act of childish stupidity...give us a positively surprising resolution and a come-full-circle dialogue between Ron and Hermione that will help them start anew.
Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing! I'm really happy that you liked this chapter! There will be no 'childish stupidity' (I hope anyway) with Ron getting drunk and having a fling or something like that. I've seen it in a lot of stories and I don't think he would make the Lavender mistake twice personally. Obviously I can't say what will happen but I hope you enjoy it :)
I hope that future postings are in multiple chapters. The heightened conflict becomes tiresome when the reader is left without resolve too many times.
So Frank and Lily have history?? Perhaps a bit more infomation, please? And how does Scorpius play into Lily's life...is he a true foil to Frank or will he court Lily into a lasting relationship?
Author's Response: Thank you for the honest review. I understand what you're saying, as material length is always something I debate over in my head. I think normally I err on the side of shorter attention spans (like my own), but I suppose I didn't consider your point, so it's definitely noted. I will go into further detail of Frank and Lily's history, and Scorpius' role in Lily's life will also become pretty evident.
Thanks for reviewing.
Okay, I get the "Hugo loves Annie, Annie loves Grey" conundrum. Enough said.
As for Annie's present injuries...in light of Grey's abusive history with her, I surmise the Muggle car accident is a ruse...more likely Grey caused the mishap himself. Perhaps Hugo has the same thoughts? And Annie's "condition"...my first jump was that Annie is pregnant; followed by the "accident" to terminate said pregnancy by a very jealous Grey. Would not all of these possibilities give Hugo more incentive to deck Grey like he did?
Good luck with the classes!
Author's Response: Well, to be honest, Annie is probably the most annoying OC I've ever written. I get irritated with people who sacrifice their self-respect, and I've seen it happen so much, it's probably come out of me in the form of a fic, ha! And yes, you're right. Annie wasn't knocked down by a 'Muggle car'. She was abused again. And Hugo knows this, which is why he's angry at the beginning. And this is also why Hugo is specifically called to treat Annie. Grey is aware that any other Healer could report him, but Hugo might not. Hmm. He's mostly wrong. I'm guessing Hugo would report this anyway.
And the 'condition'. Ha! Remember how I said this is last-minute and unbetaed? That's what's attributed to the 'condition'. :p Okay, no, Annie isn't pregnant. Not with Hugo's kid, even if she is (ten years' leap, remember?) In the original plot, Annie was supposed to die. She wouldn't wake up when Hugo tried to awaken her, and then after a lot of complicated medical stuff, she'd die. Her comatose 'condition' is what Hugo is thinking of over there I started writing that part, but it was too late in the night (or early in the morning, if you will -- about 4:00 AM) so I decided to cut it off by just letting her wake up, but having Hugo hit Grey anyway, because this is his chance, hehe. Hugo just took out all his anger on Grey. :p
Oh, classes are going fine, thank you for the review! :)
So many of these grief-and-moving-on stories leave the readers fatigued in the heavy psycho drama. I hope that you are able to breech the normal platitudes and create a narrative of hope and positivity that is rooted in the understanding that death/grief do not have to consume the living.
Author's Response: Oh, well, honestly, I'm not a fan of writing grief. I've had enough of it to last me a lifetime, even without having to write fanfiction about how bad it can be, so no, this story is a lot more than just how they slowly overcome their grief for Fred. It's novel-length, and I have the girls going to Hogwarts, the boys training as Aurors, and... well, you get what happens, don't you? The funeral was just a way to begin the story. I want to show Harry and Ginny's, and Ron and Hermione's relationships develop, and this was a good place to start. Thank you for reviewing, and hope your doubts are cleared! :)
You've constructed a very thoughtful, tender story of Hermione's relationship with her dad centered around the emerging magic we've all come to love about her. I wish you would have taken the story further, providing the conclusive meeting with Professor McGonigal and subsequent resolve to Hermione's quest to know "why." That being said, this brief look into Hermione's heart-wrenching pre-Hogwarts days stands alone as a reminder that no one is without personal doubt on the cusp of potential greatness! Good job.
Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing! Yeah, the story would have had much more fulfilling ending if there was something like that, haha. I might write something along those lines in the future though, to put poor little Hermione out of her misery. But yeah, thanks again for reviewing :)
So many different storylines you could persue from this narrative...perhaps you won't mind if someone else picks them up and develops them in future???
Actually, this is a very nice sketch, revealing heart-felt emotions in various stages of healing. Good job to you!
On the day that Teddy Lupin begins his new life with Victoire Weasley, his bride, Lily Potter's heart breaks.
This story was submitted for the Milestone Celebrations competition and was voted into 1st Place. Thank you so much for your support!
This story has also been nominated for a 2013 Quicksilver Quill Award: Best Next Generation Story.
Sentimentally sweet. Observant. Complete. I would have changed one thing: the final kiss between Teddy and Lily. He should have kissed her cheek, maintaining his position as godfather and new husband to Victoire. The kiss on the lips was inappropriate.
I think we've all had that crush that would never happen, and sometimes we're the last ones to know that they'll never happen. It's not difficult to draw inspiration for this kind of scenario. And I think Lily deserved closure in this, but so did Teddy.
As for the kiss, I had it as a cheek kiss in the first draft, but I changed it for a specific reason. Teddy knows what it's like to be in love with someone who loves you back, and he knows the difference between 'just a kiss' and a 'real' kiss. The former is what it is, and the latter is something special; he needed to show her that no matter how much she loved him romantically, he just didn't and never would. I tried to convey that in the narrative, but maybe I should go back and poke it a bit and clarify that. Maybe it was inappropriate, but in the end, it was effective. Lily was the one who broke it off because she understood that. Teddy will probably tell Victoire about this one day, but only when he is sure that Lily has healed and moved on. At that moment, it wasn't his secret to tell.
Anyway, thanks as usual for the visit and the review. :D
Thank you for composing this piece and reminding us that we must work through paralyzing grief/sorrow/pain; accept what we cannot change and make better that which remains.
Author's Response: Our better nature is to seek happiness and not wallow in ceaseless suffering, but sometimes it takes a specific effort to move in that direction. As Patricia said at St. Stephen's Church, "Act as if..."
This is a delightful read, capturing the Trio's quirky inter-relationship just right. The dialogue is tight without being stilted and the humor is spot-on. Thank you for keeping Harry and Ron clueless and Hermione cautiously sentimental. You tied their first and present Halloweens together nicely.
Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing! I'm really glad that you think I got the trio right in this. They are my favourite part of the books and it's fun playing with them like this. Part of me thinks they will never grow out of being clueless and sentimental.