PLEASE DO NOT DELETE!
Hi thereeeeee. I'm Hayli. I'm 15. I live in Scottsdale, Arizona. I'm not bothering making these sentences interesting.
You can call me Hayli. I dont have an awesome/crazy MNFF nickname like a lot of others on here, although I envy most who do. Well, either way, it's a pleasure to meet you :)
I love Periwinkle/Anna! She's basically amazing.
I heart SPEW. They're insane. It's great.
Get to know me. I love people. Especially MNFF-ers. Because we're cool.
A Wink Can Tell It All [oneshot]
Right To Be Wrong [chapter fic]
Dear Diary [chapter fic]
Your fic seems very good so far! Of course, this is only the first chapter, but I'll definetely continue after I leave this review. There were a couple of simple errors that I found:
For the past hour they had been hearing low frequency growls coming from behind them, getting closer and closer with every step the two twins took.
I don't think it's necessary to mention that it had been an hour twice as you already told us that in the very beginning before this.
Remus would look behind them once in a while to check if anything was behind them, but each time he simply saw the vast forest that seemed to never end.
I put in a coma and exchanged 'just' for 'simply'.
Right in front of them was a fully-grown black, piercing eyed werewolf! It was hunched forward, baring its fangs at the two kids, foam growing in the corners of it's mouth… staring with his yellow eyes into the twins’ green ones. It inched forward, looking at them hungrily. The two backed up gradually, not daring to look away from the wolf.
There were just a couple of grammar issues in this bit. I only added a few comas or so in there.
She turned around and ran along side him through the forest, dodging tree trunks, hopping over the roots protruding from the grounds, and avoiding the squirrels running across the floor.
Once again, just a couple of comas and things. I reworded it a just a tad so it would make a bit more sense.
The two dashed down a slope, knowing the wolf was still on their trail.
Just reworded this slightly :)
The mother seems kind of OOC from going from "Rachael, sweety?" to "Don't you lie to me!" Her daughter wasn't exactly in the best condition. I figured she would have been a lot sweeter to her and wait until Remus woke up on his own or wait until Rachael was ready to tell her. Just my opinion.
Your fic was very unique! I liked it a lot and can't wait to read more. The only thing with this chapter is the ... you have after a lot of parts. Those can easily be fixed by replacing them with comas :) Keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Wow I had bad grammar when I wrote this. But I took your corrections and fixed it up. And Mrs. Lupin wasn\'t out of character, you\'ll see why in the later chapters.
Great!! I love this story! I've spent many days reading it and it's really kept me busy!! Keep writing! HPLoverForever
I'm just about in tears. That was...oh my god. Your story was AMAZING but...you made him forget it all!! Nooo! =( *cries* PLEASE hurry with that sequal![ .... please?
Holy crap! now THAT is what I call a good chapter! I'll admit this, I was NOT expecting Hermione to say he got her pregnant too. I'm just surprised that she didn't do anything worse to Draco! hahah. Great, GREAT chapter =D
Gem, I just got an idea (this is Luna from the Chasing a Flower forum by the way)! Well, it's sort of an opinion. I think that you should write a story about what happened between Lily and James in their fifth year when that whole incident happened with the Death Eaters and Levi...whoever that is...happened. That would be AWESOME!! Love the updates <3 10/10
“That arrogant…arrogant…ARG! That toerag is Head Boy! HEAD BOY! How did he make HEAD BOY! What is Dumbledore on? I mean, he struts around, pranking, pranking, PRANKING, and then Dumbledore says, ‘Gee, this kid really is an irresponsible bad influence, prankster, and all around jerk. Yes! He’d make a fine Head Boy!’”
Nooooo! It can't end!!! I love this story! lol. Can you pleeeease make a sequel? Sorry, I just really like your stories! 10 10 10!
Author's Response: Sorry, but it must! We will eventually write a sequel, don't worry.
Ooooooh! Fabulous! I love this chapter =) I'm about to go read your new one, which I'm sure will be just as great as this story. Awesome job!
-applauds- Great! What a great chapter! Seriously, I thought that was awesome. The only things I found were grammar errors and that's not much at all.
“Oh come on, Prongs! Don’t be all depressed with us on the first day back!” said Peter.
Added a comma after 'on' and changed 'our' to the. : )
It was common knowledge at Hogwarts that Lily despised James and the rest of the Marauders with a passion. James had liked Lily since third year, and he had persisted to ask her out as often as possible, just as she had persisted to reject him.
I only reworded this a bit. This really was a good part though! I like the ending where you added the part about Lily rejecting him. It made me smile. :D
'But this year will be different,' James thought as he boarded the black steam engine.
When a person is thinking about something, you should probably use single quotes rather than double. Double quotes usually give off the impression that somebody is talking.
James, relieved, jogged past the fallen faces of disappointed girls to where Remus was standing halfway in a compartment.
I added a comma after 'James'.
But at this, James' eyes flew open.
Make sure that you put an apostraphy after James' name. It's a weird thing to remember since there is an 's' at the end. Just make sure not to forget ; )
“After all, the Head Boy and Girl do get their own room,” smirked Sirius.
AHH!! -hides- Okay well I don't know if you know this or not, but Heads Common Rooms are extrememly cliched. o.O Just for future reference.
Prefects can take and add points from houses but if they take advantage of this privilege, it sell be taken away.
I think you meant shall?
Lily added James' and her name five times each to the Patrol Sign-Up.
Again, make sure you don't forget the apostraphy after James' name. : )
“U-um...okay...y-you can call me James, uh...Lily.” Lily smiled.
I liked how you made him stutter. It shows that James Potter isn't really 'all that' and has a little nervous side to him. I just rearranged his stuttering so it was a bit easier to read. Hehe.
“Okay then. Bye…..James,” replied Lily as she walked out the door.
Also, make sure that when you're writing, you write out the entire word when it comes to 'okay'. Common mistake. No worries. ; )
Your first chapter was honestly very good! I really did enjoy reading it and after I hit the 'submit' button, I'll definitely continue reading. Excellent job!
I absolutely LOVE your writing technique! I can see everything that's happening in my head and it's so well described.
You also thought of solutions to problems I didn't even think of in certain cases. Like, for instance, when Harry was going to send Hedwig, I didn't even think about the crowd below seeing her. It's good that you thought of things like that because it proves that you, as the writer, are all knowing, which is important.
Some things to pay attention to are capitalization of certain words that you might not think of, such as 'Muggle' and 'Quidditch'. Also, correct comma placement is important to remember as well. :)
Harry is perfect when it comes to his character. He reacts as I'd imagine him to while thinking of Sirius and I can see him writing that letter that he wrote for Ginny. It seems like something he would do, and from what I can see you have Harry down pretty well!
Author's Response: I absolutely LOVE your review! Thank you for taking the time to do so! I\'m so happy I managed on the imagery...Duddles falling the dung is very important to convey!
Oh my yes, I have thought this story out through and through except for one minor OOC in a later chapter and everyone jumped on me about it (and I dutifully apologized), other than that it\'s been smooth sailing. I even know what my characters are wearing most of the time...hehe...I am quite bizarre about details! I have notebooks dedicated to this story alone, detailing EVERYTHING!!! Go figure! :)
Caps and commas, both a very big trial for me, although I do manage to get a stronger hold as the story continues (here\'s to wishful thinking! Cheers!)
I hope I\'ve got Harry down, honestly I do! It\'s my fear that he will go OOC and I just can\'t let that happen in my story! I hate it when that happens in other stories! Ginny, however, is a character that has much ambiguity, therefore I may take liberties with her where I otherwise wouldn\'t (say Ron or Hermione!) I\'m really so happy you reviewed...hope you keep reading!!!
-applauds- That was wonderful! I was looking for a good read and found your fic and I definitely got what I was looking for.
The only thing that truly bothered me was Lily's character. She was slightly OOC. Just slightly. For example, I didn't really find her change of attitude believable. I mean sure, she obviously had a change of heart toward, but that was really fast. Also, she was mean to James, I just didn't find her to be that obnoxious...
One other thing is it really didn't seem plausible for James to have his first kiss with Lily. Not only were there a good number of girlfriends before Lily came around, but you have to remember that James was in his 7th year.
I really love how you got Sirius' character down. The way you wrote him seemed very believable indeed. I also liked the way you wrote your fic overall. Most stories are told in third-person omnicient. Not only are there so few of fics told in first person, but a good portion of them are sometimes difficult to read. Your story flows very easily and is not hard at all to read.
So to wrap this up, I think you did a wonderful job with your story. I can't wait for the next verse!
Author's Response: Ugh. Lily got REALLY out-of-hand. She wasn\'t going to be like that when I started writing it out... but that\'s the way she wanted to go, and that\'s the way she went. ::wink:: And as to the quickness in her change of heart: I only had so much time to write it in. This was originally going to be a one-shot! Hahahaha. And I\'d written about seven pages of the chapter. I was getting bored. ;-) As to James getting his first kiss: I figured he would be too busy chasing Lily to notice any other girls. He\'d been chasing her for a LONG time. Thanks a whole lot for the review and the critique! ^_^ You have very valid points. I look forward to more reviews from you.
Eeeep! Bridget! How could I have never read this before now?! This was so great! Ahh, I'm just so excited with it.
So, I'm not normally one to fan over AU's, but this is really one that I know I can believe. You seem to know exactly what you're doing here, something that is obviously necessary to write a good AU fic.
There was only one little bit that I noticed, where Tina is speaking to James:
"Does it matter what we riled up? We got the goods, Commander. I told you I was the woman for this mission, Sir,"
The only thing that got me here was that she is refering to him twice both as 'Commander' and 'Sir'. This is just my preferance, but it seems to sound a bit off. I'm not sure you really need the 'Sir' in there, but it's definitely fine to keep it.
The only grammatical error I caught was this:
Turning the young man nodded quickly.
I think there should be a comma between 'Turning' and 'the'.
I love the way you show Lily here as she thinks that her children may be dead. She's got that real mother aspect that any woman with children would have in that sort of situation.
Great work, Bridget! This is an awesome story so far.
Author's Response: My beta is a comma minimalist and I\'m a comma maniac. I shouldn\'t put commas in. I can\'t stop. *giggles*
Thanks for the fabulous, kind review.
Oh my gosh, how have I not reviewed this?! I remember reading it ages ago and just came across it again tonight! Well, I'm going to give this story the justice it deserves with a SPEW review. :)
First off, I absolutely love the idea of the journal. It's such a great way to start off the story and give the precise details that only a mother can give. It did the job, and it did it well.
I also like the way you have Mrs. Lupin being as descriptive as she is. It gives the reader a clear mental image of what is going on and it is very helpful indeed to imagine what is happening and when.
I wish I could find a criticism to point out here, but in all honesty, I can't. It's not necessarily a bad thing, (actually it's a really good thing, it shows that you're writing style is wonderful) but it kind of makes this review a bit pointless on my part ;) haha!
You did a really great job. I love your story and can't wait to refresh my memory and continue reading!
Author's Response: Thank you, HPLoverForever! I\'m so glad you came across it again and *loves getting SPEW review* :D I\'m so glad you enjoyed the journal. I have to admit, it was the lazy way out for me, but I did find that it made it possible to present things I felt were important in a more concise way than I normally manage, *blush* so I\'m glad it worked for you. No criticism...lol, keep reading. ;*) But I don\'t think this is at all pointless. I need all the encouragement I can get. ;) I really appreciate it.
That was so good! I'm really glad Harry and Ginny are back together =) I hate Colm. He's an idiot. 10/10!
Mr. and Mrs. Potter- or, as they prefer to be called, Lily and James- are two well-respected and talented top field operatives for the Order of the Phoenix. But they have sacrificed having a home of their own and the careers of their choice to fight bravely against Lord Voldemort. Now, at barely twenty years of age, life has thrown them another curve . . . Lily is pregnant. How can you face starting a family when all you've ever known of adult life is war? In this tale, everybody's favorite couple is forced to grow up once again.
They were the couple that made single people jealous and older people shake their heads fondly, lost in thought.
Wow, this is a really great story! I like it. Not to sound too cliche, but it sort of seems like Miss Congeniality 2. Haha, working undercover! Anyways, PLEASE review! This is really getting good!
Author's Response: I've actually never seen Miss Congeniality 2, but ok. the next chapter is in the que, but this story is completed at timeturner.net.
Wow. What a wonderful chapter. I am being completely honest when I say that I am blown away. Your usage of vocabulary is very good, and I am one who believes that a good vocabulary makes the story just that much better.
You have a very strong sense of imagery. In my mind I could easily see what was happening, something that is always very important.
I really like how you've got Harry characterized. It shows him in his true light: someone who is cautious, yet willing to play along. Many stories have Harry exploding immediately and have him acting as this little boy who throws a temper tantrum every five minutes, you know
I also like your OC. She's a very good actress and I like her character so far!
Wonderful job! I can't wait to keep reading. :)
Great start! I'm liking this already.
There were a few grammatical errors here that you may want to look at.
"ten thirty" read the display.
Make sure 'ten' is capitalized.
“It’s only ten thirty; James, go back to bed...
Rather than a semi-colon, you may want to use a comma.
...gave a quarter turn and, with a loud crack, he Disapparated
There should be a period at the end.
Those were really the only grammatical errors I found. Everything else seemed to be fine. :)
I like how you don't have Lily freak out when she finds out about James being Head Boy. In many of the stories I've read Lily has this huge fit and it's really OOC. Good job!
Author's Response: Hey... I think you\'re the first person to actually tell me grammar errors! Thanks!Thanks much! I reeeally appriciate it. I\'ll get on those right away! Haha. Yeah, I\'ve seen fics like that. I\'m glad Lily\'s not that OOC. Thanks again!
I have been with this story from the very, very beginning, and not until now have I gotten the chance to review it.
So I basically love this. It's been one of my favorite James/Lily fics I've truly ever read. You've got a major talent of descriptive words and you are very good at giving the reader and image of what is happening. Goodness, I could just imagine those chess pieces running about the common room, destroying everything in sight. I especially cringed at the thought of Lily's wound. It truly did seem very real.
There was only one part I could really pin-point out.
“Hush, Sirius,” James scolded mildly. “I got it.”
There really isn't anything wrong with this part, but I would suggest phrasing it differently, just to make it a bit more Jamesie, if you know what I mean. Perhaps something along the lines of:
Shut it, Padfoot," James scolded mildly. "I've got this."
I would always imagine James to be the kind of person to just tell a person to get off his back once and only once and make it so they know he won't say it again. I dunno, the word 'hush' didn't really strike me as a Jamesie kind of word. I also changed 'I' to 'I've'.
It wasn’t worth the time and energy to fight with James. She knew she had the ammo, but it could take a while for her to think of it fast enough. He had needle-sharp tongue, and was quick to think of comebacks. He also had a hard head, so hard that even if you could bash words into his head with a hammer, he would still be stubbornly convinced he was right.
That right there is my favorite part of this chapter. It describes James perfectly. I love how well you have him in character! He sounds just as I would imagine Jo Rowling to write him out.
Wow, you're really a great writer! This story is awesome =] Can't wait for the next chapter! 10/10
This is such a great introduction. It really is. Your story so far is very easy to believe. However, I do question just one part.
You mention toward the beginning that Draco cried himself to sleep that night. Draco, from what I see in him, isn't really the one to let himself cry. I mean sure, he hates where he is, but I doubt he'd let himself cry, as he'd feel he was losing his dignity while doing so.
The only grammatical error I found was this:
Instead came an almost an unrecognizable Granger that took his breath away.
You don't need the 'an' between 'almost' and 'unrecognizable'.
This was so good. I really enjoyed it and I look forward to reading more of this! Awesome work.
Nice first chapter! You begin things very nicely here and introduce the personalities of some your characters already.
In your story, I found a few things that I'd like to point out to you. :)
..which was filled with dark grey clouds.
Gray is misspelled.
They smiled said their goodbyes and watched Lily, as...
There should be a comma after 'smiled' and, although it might not be completely necessary, I believe 'goodbyes' should be 'good-byes'.
Lily and Sarah followed.
Here, 'followed' is past tense, but the rest of the phrase is present tense. I would change that to 'following'. :)
She opened her mouth to say something when she noticed something.
Since 'something' is said twice, maybe you could change up your word choice, just to make it flow better.
The only other errors I spotted were formatting errors and run-on sentences. With run-on sentences, you really want to break them up into seperate sentences to make it flow easier. Some examples are:
There was an awkward silence, where only the splashing of rain from outside could be heard, causing James’ cheeks to flush a deep crimson colour, making him look determinedly at his shoes, and Lily to try desperately to find something to say.
This, I would change to:
There was an awkward silence where only the splashing of rain from outside could be heard. This caused James’ cheeks to flush a deep crimson colour, making him look determinedly at his shoes. Lily, too, tried desperately to find something to say.
The only formatting errors I found were where you either forgot an extra spacing code or added another one. Here is an example:
They all shrugged, and got back to copying work from the blackboard.
Lily was unable to concentrate. Images of James were swimming around her mind, she just couldn’t get over how good looking he had become, not to mention the fact that he didn’t seem to be a complete prat anymore.
With all these thoughts mingling in her head, the hour of Charms went surprisingly quickly.
Just dividing it differently will fix this. :)
“Sorry I was miles away. How...Why did… umm…How?” Lily stuttered, turning her cheeks an even darker red. James laughed.
I love how you described their reaction here. In many other stories, you see Lily freak out and throw a fit over James becoming Head Boy. This reaction is much more accurate, as they were surprised, but they didn't make a huge deal of it. Great job!
Carmen’s chocolate brown eyes widened and she had an amazed look etched on her face.
Great description! I can see Carmen's face clearly in my mind from what you have said here. Nice!
“You know, there was no need to be so mean to him, he was only asking a question,” she said crossly.
Carmen looked at her strangely.
“Why do you care?”
“I don’t,” she said quickly.
Carmen dropped it, but continued to look at her strangely.
Awesome foreshadowing here! ;)
You have James characterized well. He's not as full of himself as he was last year and you've already begun to show us that in just this chapter.
All in all, great chapter. I really enjoyed reading this and I can't wait to see what happens next chapter. Awesome job!
Author's Response: Wow I loved your review - thank you so much for showing me where I have gone wrong, that will help me a lot - although I did spell grey correctly (I think it might just be spelled \'gray\' in America) Anyway, thanks again, this was such a helpful review!