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MOMENTS OF BLISS by moonymaniac
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 1201]

Summary: Remus Lupin is a man with a tragic past, filled with pain, suffering and sorrow. But it is also a past filled with great adventure, true friendship and…love? Even though the odds were against him, Remus found happiness at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He had the Marauders, he was a prefect and his transformations were less horrible, thanks to his Animagi friends. What more could a teenage werewolf want? And how long could his happiness last? Remus and the Marauders prove that in the saddest of lives and darkest of times, there can still be moments of bliss.

Remus centric but with a lot of the other Marauders. This story is a romance, but has almost as much general Marauder era background and side story as romance.
Pre-HBP and DH, so some things from DH will be disregarded, as the warning indicates, but some Spoilers will be incorporated.

Categories: Marauder Era Genre: Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded, Character Death

Word count: 435441 Chapters: 71 Completed: No
Published:
06/08/05 Updated: 02/25/14


Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 12/14/11 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue: Notes on a Life

Hi. I'm pretty sure that I read thsi before because it sounds vaguely familar. It's interesting. You have some voice in fan fiction that you rarely ever see in this type of writing. THe mother's voice carries all the way through in a way that you, as a writer, are not simply simply telling an story to match canon, but you carry this calmness all the way through. You wrote this a while ago, so I'm sorry that i haven't picked it up untiol now. This is so pleasantly surprising, this change. There are bits and pieces that are flowery, but the story overall is a lovely surprise. So glad I opened this as a distraction. Thank you for writing it. Continuing on. Jenn

Author's Response: Thank you so much, Jenn. I'm glad you opened it too. :) I have really enjoyed writing it.

 
Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 12/14/11 Title: Chapter 2: A Wish Come True

Second chapter. Nice and simple still. Nice style. In the prologue, the magical elements were a bit overdone, so it's nice that it's toned down here in this piece to centralise the focus. There was something else you've fixed - Remus sounds of age here, too, in the last chapter, especially for being small. he sounded like an adult speaking out of a child, a little boy. Don't know why I didn't put that last chapter, A simple scene, and a good one, that carries over from the last chapter. Well done. Moving on. Jenn

 

Turning the Page by Sly Severus
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 21]

Summary: Andromeda Tonks has lost nearly everything. Now is she left to raise a child alone. Overwhelmed with grief and fear, she finds one person to turn to in the chaos.

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: Character Death, Sexual Situations

Word count: 10131 Chapters: 8 Completed: No
Published:
12/28/08 Updated: 01/13/09


Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 02/11/12 Title: Chapter 1: Silence

Sly Severus,

I don’t know if you are active anymore with fan fiction, but I have been looking and looking for this story. I’d read it before, you see, maybe a chapter or two, and recently it’s just been popping back into my mind. I mean, looking and looking, at a point where I’m almost embarrassed to admit, for it’s fan fiction and I’ve got Tolkien waiting for me. Finally popped it in a search engine “ yes, I was rather annoyed and I can get annoyed with research till I find anything.

Can I just say that I love the atmosphere of this? The way you set this up is just genius; the story is so plausible. Realistic. The opening of a mother worrying about her daughter is such an everyday thing. The mother talking to the baby is so realistic; people who say that it’s strange that we talk to ourselves are themselves mad. People sneak comfort, and often, when there is nothing nor nobody else, our own voices can do that. The playground, the blood, the dance the spatter: what an image! It says so much, and it’s so frightening.

The comforting reassurance of Kingsley that ‘it’ll be okay, it’ll be okay’ is just “ it shows his character in such a light through simple words, and the repetition makes it all the stronger. I don’t know if that makes sense, and I’m afraid it doesn’t, but it sounds so much like him. The crying, how the baby is weaved in at the end and it’s not clear whether it was indeed Andromeda or Teddy says everything and nothing’s there.
There are very few pieces that stick in my mind, and I could sit here and tell you flashes of what I remember, but every time I refer to the fifth book, I’ve thought about this. You’ve done so well and I can’t wait to read on. Thank you, thank you for writing this. You, madam or sir, have shined light on an old story.

Jenn

Author's Response: Thanks for this great review. I have been away from fanfiction for a long time, but have recently returned. Rather or not, I'll be able to finish this story in the future is currently unknown. However, you're review has me seriously considering reviving it. Thanks, again.

 
Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 02/11/12 Title: Chapter 2: The Hardest Day

Well done. The reaction to death, the cliched responses, it's funny how all that changes once a person experiences a death. Written with somber respect.

Author's Response: Thanks so much.

 
Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 02/11/12 Title: Chapter 3: The Magical Touch

I love how Harry and Ginny are portrayed as these clueless foljks who are desparately trying to help. YOu don't often see that; people jump the war and portray them in different ways. My only objection here - and I fear children, so ignore me, but I don't think thta Dora would have known what to do here; first parents, indeed, as you've shown through Adromeda, don't instantly know what to do. I'd be frightened out of my skin. 'Take this thing back - it's broken'. That's just something to think about. Really enjoying Kingsley's reassurance.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. You make a good point about Tonks. Glad you've enjoyed the story, although I don't know if it'll be finished at this stage.

 

The Difference You Made by Padfoot Patronus
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 8]

Summary: All accomplished men like Dad share something in common – they are looked down, degraded, criticised for everything they say or do, right or wrong, and they take all of that in, patiently, uncharacteristically. Somewhere in those decades, the same society gives up on them, awards them with a pedestal of hero-ship and an immunity from all things used to roughen them up in a past life. People like Dad never again stand on the common ground like the rest of us.

Albus Potter reflects over past and present upon his father’s death. My impression of Harry Potter in later years – a hero of sort and so much more.

Categories: Post-Hogwarts Genre: Warnings: Character Death, Mild Profanity

Word count: 3844 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/15/09 Updated: 08/23/09


Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 03/26/11 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Akay,

I can either sit here and tell you how fine this is or just write it. Well, first off, you’ve made me, for the second time, fall in love with Next Generation. You have a board of characters, here who are, in effect, a new cast, and you weep them together. This is the type of noble epilogue that should have been in the books. I am amazed that you’ve taken Harry and shown a completely different side that is plausible after a fall from fame. Oddly, though, it doesn’t seem to bother him, which shows his character. Dumbledore had said that Harry works from a humane element that many lack.

The fact that his kids worship him, even though, they, like Aberforth, lived under a shadow of the fame. The only thing that I have a hard time believing, and this is because I know smokers, is that Harry would have fallen that quickly. As a behavior, smoking starts at a younger age. Or, at least, it takes longer time to mold. Especially if he’s a chain smoker. The line about not marrying twice, now that I get it, is hilarious! Yeah, I imagine she would be another ‘Molly’. I love the way that you have Ginny say good-bye. That line about not waiting too long is creative. You probably know that folks who are married a long time statistically don’t last without their other half after she or she passes. The way that you have the whole family together is done really well, too.

James is suspended in quite a standstill, which locks him in that view, but I like that the scenery changes. Lily locking herself in the bedroom reminds me of ‘Prudence’ and that’s a usual reaction, too. I like the way that even though he was an orphan, Harry gave his life wholeheartedly to his children and the godson. It is those little things that you pick at when you’re confused. The dinner with Teddy, an everyday thing, is done well to show James’s emotion and detachment. And Albus. I read this, I swear, so forgive me if I can’t find the line.

The funeral is just so reminiscent of Dumbledore’s. The way you take that paragraph by paragraph, group by group, is amazing. I mean, you would think, and forgive me for the comparison, but Harry Potter’s funeral would be like the Michael Jackson death of the Wizarding World. Nodding to the reporters, who was his problem for so long helps to reseat and confirm the canon. I keep thinking that good, old, ancient Rita will just be standing alongside. You van picture the whole stadium of people, people, people as you go along. And Dudley’s there? What a nod to that thing about Rowling saying that the two found a mutual ground!
I loved this, Akay. Thank you for writing it. It’s the capstone. My version of an epilogue, and a nice, coherent one at that. You made me tear up. GAH.
Well done, my friend.

Floored it! *highfive*

Jenn

 

He Left by h_vic
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 7]

Summary: Past Featured StoryHe left. Katie Bell has moved on; she loves someone else, but it's not enough – she can't let go of him. When they meet for a drink one night, it can only bring back memories and pain.

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: Character Death, Mild Profanity, Sexual Situations, Substance Abuse

Word count: 1053 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
09/06/10 Updated: 09/12/10


Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 11/06/10 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

h-vic,

The introduction of this reminds me of this poetry collection called the ‘Back Maria’; the only here is that the gender roles are reversed. The subtle opening of the piece is rather interesting because you drop such small hints. It says more, though, because you paint a scene that we all know. It’s interesting that you have Katie feeling guilty because the other person left. Isn’t it funny how that happens? What’s done is done and it all settles and remains. That’s such a powerful line. The interaction with the barman is just priceless. It is reminiscent of an Ernst Hemingway novel, in many respects, and, he, too, turned to the same relief.

There are a couple phrases here that I didn’t understand on the first go round because they rather sound like misplaced personification: “… the gulps she takes are desperate.” On reading that over again, though, that makes sense for someone who wants to drown themselves in drink. I played that line in my head again and again to finally fit that one into place. The emotion that drips from this piece is done rather well, especially if you consider she is the drunken, disoriented thinker who can’t really piece anything together. Drink doesn’t fix anything.

Again, and I’m sorry to mention this, but you do this again and again for such a small piece. I kept on thinking of the different meanings of ‘left’. Of course, I landed on the in the context of ‘abandonment’ or ‘dumped’. But, damn it, you surprise me again. The psychology that you pour into this is simply fascinating. We twist ideas in our heads to rationalize them and we especially do that in regards to death. Saying that he left sounds better than he was murdered or he died. The same goes for the displaced anger that she feels both towards Fred and this barman.

The characterization of barman comes out ever so slowly, but he’s there. The line about the other half is just written so complicated, but it’s probably one of the best lines that I’ve read in a while because it says so much. It’s quite a talent that you craft these lines that can be read on so many dimensions, and they are just fascinating when you think about them. I don’t know why I thought this, but the whole time through this piece I kept thinking, ‘This is going to end up being Draco’, and then you mentioned the shop and that shifted to this, ‘Well, George got Angelina, what if his brother got a shot?’ Well, I have to say that I’m blushing like a school girl now.

Fred got some.

Well done, Hannah. Thank you for the read.

Jenn

 

Friendly Competition by Gmariam
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 11]

Summary: When the Halloween Hogsmeade weekend is canceled due to the war, James Potter proposes a flying race around the grounds as a way for the students to interact and keep up their spirits. He is surprised when Lily Evans not only enters, but plans on winning. A spirited wager is made, but the race turns darker than anyone imagined, with the outcome quite unexpected.

Categories: James/Lily Genre: Warnings: Mild Profanity, Violence

Word count: 9757 Chapters: 3 Completed: Yes
Published:
10/08/10 Updated: 10/14/10


Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 10/21/10 Title: Chapter 1: Part One: On Your Mark...

Gina,

I have never written a James/Lily myself, although I have debated trying to attempt a Marauder Era fic that isn’t clich, but, as far as this couple or paring, you come highly recommended because this seems to fall into your niche. I have to say that this reminds me of a previous problem that I stumbled upon with somebody else. You have slight grammatical errors here and there, but those can be fixed by a quick read over. What I am looking at here is the plot; it is, after all, what draws readers into a story. That is particularly important in a chaptered piece, for it keeps people reading along the way. As this is the pilot, I cannot really say if you have that, but you have a really interesting connection here.

Personally, I usually don’t read first-person Harry Potter narratives, but that’s simply a bias towards the original because it’s not written that way. While you seem to have an interesting spin on James and Lily, nearly everything you say here, Gina, is in dialogue. Dialogue is just as important as narration in pieces like this. Sure, we know who all of these characters are from the Marauder Era because we have an d in our head, but you can’t, or you should not, define a character simply by speech. Really, outside of a few chapters and reminiscences, we have littler idea who these characters are, so there is free reign. But, you need to show us that outside of a he said/ she said deal. Of course, you have action words and mannerisms sprinkled here and there.
If you think that having a few paragraphs reiterating the physical descriptions or mannerisms is a bad idea because we already know it, it’s not. Sure, we know that James has hazel eyes or what have you, and I’m not suggesting that you fill this with useless fluff, but having a little something would help move the scene along. You have the ability to create these scenarios like Lily agreeing to fly a broomstick and James acting a little snug, but where is this show and tell thing? I was once told never to say something unless it was important. A few words can cover incredible ground if you hit home. The bickering voice back and forth defined a teenage voice; you have that, but in my head, I’m thinking perhaps that’s a bit too much because not every line in realistic dialogue is going to be as quirky. Think about regular conversation. Often, as is with many cases, stuff goes over somebody’s head because they missed it or didn’t take something as funny along the way. It’s not a tennis match, and, I think, teenagers miss the mark often in their spills.

The plot seems plausible. These renditions of James in Lily seem as though perhaps they would act this way; it might be a realistic scenario, and, in order for them to get to know each other, walls have to be broken and they have to be willing to learn of each other outside the bickering.

You’re right there. I like the idea, and I think you can strike hot iron with this couple once again if you add a bit more weaving and make them more than two-dimensional figures of a script. It’s difficult, yes, but you really want to get in and create these people from bare bones, especially since they are, as you say, your main characters.

It’s an enjoyable read. Keep writing.

Kuri

Author's Response: @font-face { font-family: "Times New Roman"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }table.MsoNormalTable { font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }span.msoIns { color: maroon; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }

Hi Kuri,

I suppose I should thank you for taking the time to read and review my story. However, I do find it a rather off-putting review. It is rather patronizing, to be honest, and written in such a way that I find it difficult not to be offended at times. First of all, you said:

 

"I have to say that this reminds me of a previous problem that I stumbled upon with somebody else. You have slight grammatical errors here and there, but those can be fixed by a quick read over."

 

Why are you referring to someone else's problem in a review for this story? I have no idea what you are talking about. And while I may have "slight grammatical errors here and there," I assure you I read this over many, many times, so telling me a quick read over will fix them is somewhat condescending.

 

"What I am looking at here is the plot; it is, after all, what draws readers into a story. That is particularly important in a chaptered piece, for it keeps people reading along the way. As this is the pilot, I cannot really say if you have that, but you have a really interesting connection here."

 

I know what plot is and again find this very patronizing. In fact, I would say that plot is one of my strengths in the majority of my writing. Since you are only reviewing the first chapter, I also find this statement to be somewhat premature. I can assure you there is indeed a plot, should you continue.

"Personally, I usually don’t read first-person Harry Potter narratives, but that’s simply a bias towards the original because it’s not written that way. While you seem to have an interesting spin on James and Lily, nearly everything you say here, Gina, is in dialogue."

 

Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps an author might deliberately craft a story in a certain way? I happen to like dialogue. I literally hear these characters speaking in my mind. So I wrote this story to be dialogue-heavy on purpose. That's something to consider when offering advice to authors: it may be rejected because your idea of what the story should be was not their intent whatsoever.

 

"Dialogue is just as important as narration in pieces like this. Sure, we know who all of these characters are from the Marauder Era because we have an d in our head, but you can’t, or you should not, define a character simply by speech."

 

As a reviewer, please do not tell an author what they can or cannot do. This is incredibly insulting. I have written entire drabbles in dialogue form only. I find it a refreshing and fun way to convey character. If you do not enjoy dialogue-heavy pieces, that is fine. You can express that opinion, but you cannot tell an author to write something differently simply because you do not approve of or enjoy the way they decided to tell their story.

 

"Really, outside of a few chapters and reminiscences, we have littler idea who these characters are, so there is free reign. But, you need to show us that outside of a he said/ she said deal."

 

I chose not to do so. I do not need to do anything. Telling me to do something to my story, as opposed to respectfully suggesting it, is again insulting.

 

"Of course, you have action words and mannerisms sprinkled here and there. If you think that having a few paragraphs reiterating the physical descriptions or mannerisms is a bad idea because we already know it, it’s not. Sure, we know that James has hazel eyes or what have you, and I’m not suggesting that you fill this with useless fluff, but having a little something would help move the scene along."

 

I do use narrative to enhance the dialogue and used the very things you suggest. I personally find a lot of that filler to be repetitive and bland. I am not the kind of author who will find six different ways to tell a reader that Lily's eyes were green. And I must point out that in a first person narrative that sort of thing often sounds unnatural. So I chose to go easy on it.

 

"You have the ability to create these scenarios like Lily agreeing to fly a broomstick and James acting a little snug, but where is this show and tell thing? I was once told never to say something unless it was important. A few words can cover incredible ground if you hit home."

 

This makes almost no sense to me. What particular "show and tell thing" are you talking about, and what exactly was missing? I feel that between the dialogue and active/descriptive narrative, I managed a balance of show and tell. In fact, I would argue that I showed far more through the dialogue than told through the narrative additions.

 

"The bickering voice back and forth defined a teenage voice; you have that, but in my head, I’m thinking perhaps that’s a bit too much because not every line in realistic dialogue is going to be as quirky. Think about regular conversation. Often, as is with many cases, stuff goes over somebody’s head because they missed it or didn’t take something as funny along the way. It’s not a tennis match, and, I think, teenagers miss the mark often in their spills."

 

Ah, but that's exactly how I view it: as a bit of a tennis match. I happen to love snarky dialogue and could write banter for hours. I suppose it's too bad that you disagree, since it's such fun, but again, you fail to take into my intent as an author in criticizing this aspect of my writing, as opposed to merely expressing your personal opinion about it.

"The plot seems plausible. These renditions of James in Lily seem as though perhaps they would act this way; it might be a realistic scenario, and, in order for them to get to know each other, walls have to be broken and they have to be willing to learn of each other outside the bickering."

 

Again, this comes across as very condescending overall. The second half does not make sense to me, either, as it does not seem to relate to the story much.

"You’re right there."

 

Right where? Please don't patronize me.

 

"I like the idea, and I think you can strike hot iron with this couple once again if you add a bit more weaving and make them more than two-dimensional figures of a script. It’s difficult, yes, but you really want to get in and create these people from bare bones, especially since they are, as you say, your main characters."

 

Actually, this story is finished and I have no plans to continue or revise it. I wrote it exactly as I wanted to write it and am rather happy with the results. I personally don't find the characters two-dimensional. Or, if they are, I have no plans to "create people from bare bones." That was not my intent. My intent was simply to tell a good, original story. I think I succeeded. I am sorry you do not seem to agree. That is your opinion and you have every right to not only think it, but express it as well. However, I would strongly suggest that you temper your reviews in the future.

 

You need to realize that not all writers think and feel the same as you, and that when you read and review a story, you must acknowledge the writer's intent. Don't give lessons on plot and character, particularly to someone who has been on the site as both a member and moderator for four years; do express your personal opinion regarding those aspects of the story that you both liked and did not like. Don't tell an author how to write their story the way you think they should; do offer respectful suggestions on how to improve certain aspects while acknowledging the author's intent. Don't patronize; do offer honest praise and encouragement once in a while.

 

I hope my response helps you understand both my intent with this story, as well as my rather strong reaction to your review.

 

Sand Castles by Liandrin
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 4]

Summary: He had thought it best to ignore her and head back to his mother, but there was something about the way she moved, the way the sunlight hit her hair, framing her head like a golden-red halo. And then there were those freckles...

Categories: Draco/Ginny Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1034 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
10/18/10 Updated: 10/20/10


Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 10/24/10 Title: Chapter 1: Sand Castles

Lia,

All right, you’re pulling me out of work to reminiscence on childhood. This is so reminding me of Pensacola Beach, and the first paragraph just draws you in. The dirty, not dirty complex is a thoughtful comparison that would not have occurred to me in such detail, but now that you have me thinking of the grainy sand and the slippery, dark sand right by the meeting points of waters, which is a nice picture. Of course, when the white kid with freckles comes to mind, the term ‘alabaster’ comes to mind; I had originally made that correlation stupidly with ‘albino’ once before, but those things happen, and that really, really is white. Alabaster makes me think of an architectural sculpture, and I don’t know if you indeed intended that effect with such detail, but it work. The lightness that you add these details so that we get hints of these characters is done rather nicely. They’re subtle and not flowery.

For Draco, I think that it’s rather a tragedy that when you consider how he has been socialized, there would have been a tendency for his parents to have kept him away from most children till they got the background check. It’s not just that he’s an only kid and Mummy and Daddy have too much gold filling their pockets; he’d be stuck round the governess or something. The fact that he doesn’t know how to act round age five shows the trepidation. His parents would absolutely be in line with saying, ‘Oh, no, you can’t play with those kids because they’re not from a good family and you don’t want to end up with them.’ Shocking, really, when you think traces of that are still floating round.

He sounds a little older than a year from her. I don’t have any bits that I can point out, you know, and now that I think of it, there might not have been any ages listed, but Ginny sounds to be round three or four depending on the language factor. The mannerisms that he has as little boy are so interesting if you think about socialization, and he is debating whether he should act. It seems a little weird that he kind of sounds like a miniature adult all the way through, you know? It’s not like Draco is mistreated or held tightly by the hand; either way, with the parents not there, perhaps he would have slipped earlier. Maybe not. It’s scary to think he’s that conditioned or trained so early. It’s like he needs to look over his shoulder and reference. That’s a behavior of a younger kid, but I was kind of expecting his mother to be nearby and him just looking … waiting for that approval. I was so waiting for that, Lia.

He’s like, ‘Well, yeah, okay’. It’s cute, especially the childhood voice and seeing as he rolls up his sleeves. It’s subtly freckled with cute.

Nice.

Keep writing. I envy thy cuteness and insight.

Kuri

Author's Response: Wow, epic review, Jenn. I am honoured. ^_^

//For Draco, I think that its rather a tragedy that when you consider how he has been socialized, there would have been a tendency for his parents to have kept him away from most children till they got the background check. //

Yes, you really do pity him in some ways. It's no wonder that he turns out the way he does. :(

//He sounds a little older than a year from her. I dont have any bits that I can point out, you know, and now that I think of it, there might not have been any ages listed, but Ginny sounds to be round three or four depending on the language factor.//

Yes, Ginny's four here, and Draco's five. I kind of wanted to show the difference of parenting, in a way. Molly was busy with all her other kids, she couldn't exactly teach Ginny proper speech at the age of four, whereas Draco's parents would have had him conditioned - he would have mimicked them as well.

//Its like he needs to look over his shoulder and reference. Thats a behavior of a younger kid, but I was kind of expecting his mother to be nearby and him just looking waiting for that approval. I was so waiting for that, Lia. //

You are very correct. The problem with this ficlet is that it's part of a bigger story (it's a flashback). Narcissa /should/ have been there - or, at the very least, his nanny.

Thank you so much for the awesome review, Jenn. I definitely have some things to reflect upon when I decide to write and post this story as a whole. I'm glad you liked its cuteness though. ^_~

~Lia

 

A Visit From Father Christmas by Gmariam
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 11]

Summary: Past Featured StoryTeddy Lupin decides to dress up as Father Christmas and surprise his family at the Burrow. Before returning to the party, he receives his own visit, as well as an enigmatic gift that may or may not decide his future.

This is Gmariam of Ravenclaw writing for the Great Hall Christmas Challenge, Prompt Three.

Categories: Next Generation Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 3086 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
12/24/10 Updated: 12/24/10


Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 12/14/11 Title: Chapter 1: A Visit From Father Christmas

Gina,

Altogether now,”Awww!” This has got to be one of the best Christmas stories that I’ve ever read. Well, Dickens’s ‘A Christmas Carol’ is a favorite out of tradition. I read it every Christmas Eve. Oh my God, this is knocking on the door as a close second. The idea is so original, so original, it stands alone. The defenses are really, really good, and I love how James counters them, and Teddy just counter back, thinking like a little kid and back to his childhood. The disguise “ well, that’s a really good move. That floors me. Of course, I’m a year late in reading this, and my apologies, though I’m glad that I got the chance to read it. How in the world did you come up with this? It ties in so smoothly, with, like, everything. (I’m sitting nodding all the way through reading this!) The Charles Lewis thing “ clever. It goes from being a cute story to something that makes those of us who have forgotten Father Christmas to sit back and remember when we did believe. Like I said, this was a nice gift to be buried in the archives, and, I’m sure most of this is incoherent because halfway through I was speechless. Very, very nice. Thank you.

Jenn

 

Wild Card by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 14]

Summary:

It was going to happen eventually: Oliver Wood had to retire. But when the decision was made for him, he allowed himself to be tricked into grooming his replacement. However, coaching proved to be a completely different animal, especially when the untried and unbridled Roxanne Weasley pushed his limits every step of the way.

 

This story was nominated for a 2011 Quicksilver Quill Award: Best Non-Canon Romance.

 



Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Sexual Situations, Strong Profanity

Word count: 10227 Chapters: 3 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/21/11 Updated: 03/22/11


Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 03/23/11 Title: Chapter 1: In Between Days

Okay, leaving the first review in a long, long, long time for this. A friend suggested it, and, since she knows me like a book, I read it. I am completely amazed by the way that you write this sports voice. I'm sports illiterate myself, outside of football, so, yeah, that's impressive.

It was a quick read. You had a point and you drove it. Haven't read any of your Kate/Oliver stuff because I'm rarely popping in without a suggestion, but this was rather. Yeah, knowing sports follks, I wonder what they're going to do after that wanes, You can't play, though I'm not going to lie, you can make a killing doing this and get scholarship, but you can't do it forever. You've made Oliver so much more than a pretty -faced boy in a movie. Nice. 'Philbert' (I don't know why, Jess) reminds me of 'Phil' off of the Disney watered down 'Heracules'. Just the name.


Oh, and as I am forever behind in lingo, 'manica' threw me off. I feel slow. I mean, I get it, it just made me feel slow - slower than usual.

Oh, and love how Carole has, like, five reviews on this thing. It made me giggle. You get validated fast, yo.

Nice job.

Jenn

Author's Response:

Sports is, ironically, my other passion besides Harry Potter. I've spent a lot of time learning about the culture of the sports world in many different aspects. For instance, I am quite learned in contract lingo and common terms/stipulations. It's no different than learning writing mechanics or how to use HTML. Practice makes perfect, I suppose.

That being said, I would think after almost 30 years of being fuelled by Quidditch, Oliver could become a bit of a jerk. I don't think he would mean to be, but he'd forgotten what it was like to be the scared noob, rattled by the pressures of the public eye. Then you take a spark plug like Roxanne, who isn't going to put up with him being an a-hole, and you get a bizarre cross-generational pairing. I'm just glad Carole didn't spork it, lol.

Thanks for the review and the compliments. I sort of wrote this story in two days (and it fought me tooth and nail), so that it flows decently is nice to know. :D

Take care,

~Jess

 

ALL HAIL CAROLEDEMORT

 

March Madness by Equinox Chick
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 12]

Summary: Professor Dumbledore always referred to it as 'March Madness', that time of year when a certain band of Gryffindors ran amok. But in the Spring of nineteen-seventy-eight, one of the Marauders had other things on his mind.

Perhaps things will finally quieten down.

This is Equinox Chick of Hufflepuff writing for the 2011 Aprils Fools' Day Challenge in the Great Hall, Prompt 3 (Marauder)

A word about the warnings: The SSP is minor and I'm only using a 'warning' because otherwise I might get angry letters *snort*. The Sexual Situations are evident.

I am not JK Rowling. I'd like to be, but alas she got there first

Categories: James/Lily Genre: Warnings: Sexual Situations, Slash

Word count: 5896 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/26/11 Updated: 03/26/11


Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 03/26/11 Title: Chapter 1: March Madness

Carole,
Oh my God. Can you hear the surprise in my voice? (You’re probably thinking along the lines of this, ‘No, I can’t. It’s text you fool’.) I have not read a Marauder fic that is so dam good in months. You’ve always made me rather envious as to how you pull this off time and time again. And with such skill, might I add, because it’s not in a flowery, mundane, hormone, melodrama-driven voice? The whole way through you crafted this thing with an element of surprise.
The only things that I question, if, indeed, that’s the right word, are the voice of the Professors and the drinking thing. The two Professors sound like they come from one of those 18th century sympathetic novels, a little too refined. Maybe that was your intention. I don’t know. You did nod towards Mr. Dickens. And I know that they are both old, I do. I don’t know. It sounds like they were inserted. It’s hard to explain and put into words. That probably makes no sense.

And, on the second point, it surprised me that you portray the Marauders as such heavy drinkers. I know that the drinking age is different in different areas of the world, but that sounded off, too. In my mind, they’re a comparison for the duo of Fred and George. They aren’t, of course, Fred and George from another time, but their mischief might have been lighter. And, the Professors, as folks of the education system, don’t call out for this? Maybe they’re all grown …

Whatever. It’s your piece. Take it for what you will.

The plot here is something that I haven’t seen in a while. That fact that Remus won’t even go there with the girl is so funny! And he just curses somebody? His friend. Just like that. I’m laughing all the way through. You do not jump down a kid’s throat. You do not. And Peter? Wow. I mean, the whole thing with Lily. You built that idea well.

Can I just say this? It’s going to sound inappropriate, and I’m biting at my own words. You have style. First off, the whole thing with Regulus and Crouch is just … so subtly written and I feel so bad for Regulus because Crouch is, like, my definition of insane. I actually said aloud, ‘Get you another, boy’. Folks learn to be that way. I can’t imagine, though it is cool that you don’t dwell or focus too much on that because it says so much more that way. Wow. And the scene is the bedroom just makes me smile. Usually, and not just in fan fiction, like, everywhere, people think they have to write sex scenes like the chirographed, highly impossible crap of the movies. ‘Smut’, as you phrase it, turns me off. But this? It’s not like ‘insert jaunty love scene here’. It’s not too graphic; it’s more like a steady flirtation, not something caked with adjectives and clichs. Well done. I can’t even … that’s a fine hand.

Again, I have to say, though I imagine they didn’t know the finite details, that the Professors would be so cool with the way she wooed him.
The slash and dormitory thing, though. Wow. You’ve talent in fine lines. I …

Jealous.

Well done. Best thing I’ve read here in ages.

-Jenn

Author's Response: Thank you for the review. Much appreciated.

The Professors - I don't think they sound old fashioned and it wasn't a nod to Dickens (I googled that quote at the last minute, if i'm honest). Dumbledore does speak very correctly (ie no contractions) and I could really hear his voice in the words about laughter in the same vein as he talks about music. McGonagall is also a correct speaker, and probably becomes more so when in the presence of the Headmaster. Besides, they are older, and this is only 1978, they wouldn't be talking street slang.

Regarding the drinking. To be frank, the Marauders in my fics don't drink enough, certainly not for the era, the country and the boarding school culture. Just getting paralytic on their birthdays is really quite restrained. The UK is very relaxed about it's drinking laws in comparison with other parts of the world, and I've grown up in this drinking culture ... In other words, I write what I know.

I actually said aloud, ‘Get you another, boy’. Folks learn to be that way. I'm not sure what you're saying here. If you're implying that people 'learn' to be gay, then I can't disagree with you more. People experiment, or perhaps are born either gay or straight, but it's not learnt. That ... um ... sounds rather prejudiced, but I could well be reading what you've written wrong.

My view of Barty Crouch jnr is that he was probably was insane when he became Moody, but as a school-boy, I think he was as impressionable or as 'normal' as the next boy. In my mind Regulus is the elder boy (I think there's a year between them in the books) and Regulus is the one forcing the pace, as it were, in their relationship. Certainly Barty is the one who is far more scared of what James could reveal. (In my mind, that is)

I appreciate the words regarding the fine lines. Whilst I'm not averse to spicing things up here and there, I wanted this to be a bit more subtly. Oh, and no, McGonagall didn't really mean for Lily to get quite that close to James. I believe she thought that Lily would show more propriety ... ~Carole~

 
Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 03/26/11 Title: Chapter 1: March Madness

Okay. Whoa. No. I meant 'learn their methods to be insane'. Don't want to get political here there at all. Oh, and the boy thing was just because I think Crouch is a creeper, who learned to be a creeper. I see sexuality as biological, not a choice. I agree with the experimentation - but totally wasn't going there. Sorry that was unclear. Crouch scares me more than anyone, except for Greyback, in the series.

But, as I say, this was good. Glad to see you're back. That surprised me. Sorry for two reviews.

Author's Response: Oh, that's cool then. I did read it wrong. ~Carole~

 

The Solitary Prewett by hestiajones
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 9]

Summary: Molly had always wanted to be a Healer. So why did she run away when she had the chance?

Many, many thanks to the opaleye and Equinox Chick for their help and inputs! I love Molly Weasley and side-eye people who see her only as a baby-producing machine. If you're one of those people, this might not be the fic for you.

DISCLAIMER: No, JKRowling is definitely not me.

Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1027 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
04/04/11 Updated: 04/04/11


Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 04/05/11 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Natalie,

This is really good that you’ve written Molly as a regular person and not an over-the-top magical witch. She’s just a person going through simple, everyday things, which makes her relatable. I’d never thought of her as the lifelong caretaker of her family; that’s a good point. We are who we are. You have a lot of this is “quotes’ in one paragraph, and I missed the effect of that, so I’m reading back over it. We know who this patient’s sister turns to, and the attempt to relate it is written so simply, too, which is talent. A simple plot, a simple reflection, is a good thing to have in your back pocket for parallels.

I get the “quotes” now as bits and pieces. That’s a good, strong, first fuzzy reaction. You’re right that healing is not medicine is this sense, yet it bothers me that folks see physicians as robots. Maybe I’ve spent too much time in hospital, but behind the scrubs, it’s not like they see people, cadavers as stats, and that protects their composure. I always fear a doctor will be locked in a position to treat one of their own, for, they too, are more than bodies caked in insurance, they are humans. Fair point.

You have grammatical errors here and there that need a glance over and some polishing, but on the whole, this is rather sweet. Short and sweet, and worth a smile.

Brava.

Jenn

Author's Response: Hello Jen,

First of all, I didnt know it was possible to write Molly as an over-the-top magical witch. Shes talented and overprotective, but Ive never seen her as over-the-top in canon or fanon. O.o I put the quotes for a reason not as bits and pieces, or to signify a fuzzy reaction, but to reestablish the off-handedness with which the Healer treats the case.

Which brings me nicely to the next point: Doctors as robots. No, I dont think they are. My father is one, so I should know. But I believe there is a level of strong detachment which doctors have to exercise as a principle. Why do so many doctors stay away from examining their own when things get serious? They cant afford to be emotional.

I dont mean that they are uncaring far from that, but a seasoned doctor, who has seen far too many cases in his or her life, would indeed begin to treat it as a job. Of course, there would be exceptions to the rule, but when your job entails you to treat the wounded and the nearly-dying every day of your life, it is understandable why your mind would develop a defence mechanism against getting emotionally involved with your case.

The Healer in my fic, for instance, is a senior one; he is interviewing candidates, after all. It wouldnt be realistic to portray him as being sentimental about hearing that a patient died. He is busy, he is working, and I hate to put it bluntly, but to him, it would mean just another casualty, unless he knew the deceased and his family personally. Perhaps, when he is alone, he might reflect over it and feel a twinge of grief, but would he betray that emotion to someone who is interested in taking up a job in Healing?

Wow, this turned out to be an essay, but I love having my brain picked, so thank you for that. I do wish you had given me a few instances of those grammatical errors. I adopted a certain style of writing for this; it contains a lot of sentence fragments, but I did it deliberately to build a picture of what Molly has been going through. Thanks for reading and reviewing, though. I know you are not the biggest fan of Molly, and it must have been a real challenge to click on it, in spite of the warning in the summary.

~Natalie

 

Monochrome by Equinox Chick
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 9]

Summary: Remus Lupin is an outsider by the very nature of his condition. But whilst his friends dream in colour, his nights are monochrome. It doesn't disturb him much, it's just the way he is.

Then a late night conversation changes his mindset in a way that scares him and makes him wonder what he actually 'is'. He cannot feel that way - not about Sirius Black.

OMM&P This jointly won BEST SSP QSQ at the 2011 awards. Thank you. And yay for Ariana who wrote Two to Tango - the other winner.

I am not JK Rowling, in fact I'm not even sure I'm Equinox Chick at this moment ...

This story is for Gina (Gmariam) who is celebrating her 21st birthday. :) It is a measure of how much I adore her that I'm writing this pairing for her.

Thank you very much, Kara (Karaley Dargen) for beta'ing this story for me.

Thanks also for teh flist for sticking by me when I was haranguing them. I owe you.

Due to an MNFF glitch, I have lowered the rating on this to 3rd-5th so people can read it. However this is normally a Professors rating. You click at your own risk.



Categories: Remus/Sirius Genre: Warnings: Sexual Situations, Strong Profanity

Word count: 6278 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/19/11 Updated: 07/19/11


Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 07/22/11 Title: Chapter 1: Dreams

Very interesting. I pulled this up, having not been on the site in forever and a day. The dream thing drew me in, and then the sleepless notion because I, too, am that person who can't sleep ... ever and finally has to call on a friend to do something, or, you know, read the same book for the fiftieth time or go walking. So, apart from my 'I am just like that' and can never remember dreams, this drew me in at three this morning. Loved the introduction, oh, and that switch in the Forest of the names; that's a clever move. So, anyway, well done and I shall once again disappear ... off to regular life. Good job.

Author's Response: Thnak you very much. The fic started from the first line about his dreams being monochrome. As someone who has gloriously vivid dreams that stay with me, I think it's quite sad that Remus' dreams were dark like his life, which was why I wrote the story. His friends and especially Sirius, in this fic, were his colour. Thanks again ~Carole~

 

Ambivalence by Sock Fiend
Rated: Professors [Reviews - 9]

Summary: Eileen Snape's thoughts on motherhood.

Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Abuse, Mental Disorders, Sexual Situations, Substance Abuse, Violence

Word count: 1076 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/24/11 Updated: 07/28/11


Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 07/29/11 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Interesting. Short, flashes of things, but that kind of matches that part in the Hallows. I've never seen this point of view written before. An odd starting part, but that's okay, rather adds to the darkness. While the 'flashes' are a nice way to go about this, I was expecting more of a connective plot, I suppose, because even the Pensieve did more than touchdown. Interesting.

Author's Response: Thanks a lot for the review! The reason there isn't really a connective plot so to speak was because I meant it to be more of a introspective character study type of thing. Eileen's mixed feelings of resentment/love for her own son because of the abusive marriage and possible insight on why Snape's personality eventually turned out the way it did were the points I was trying to drive home. Thanks again, I appreciate the feedback.

 

Summary:

This is crazy717 (Abi) of Gryffindor house writing for the final in the MWPP class on the Beta Boards.

 

 



Categories: Marauder Era Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2502 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
12/02/11 Updated: 12/10/11


Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 12/12/11 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Abi.
Interesting piece, no doubt. The first thing that surprises here “ and I have never seen a shot at this in fan fiction “ is a shot at the Sorting Hat’s song. It’s a good poem, too. This line, “Whose loyalty can’t be denied”, is a powerful one and reminiscent of Rowling’s simple description in the first book. It’s been a while since I’ve read anything Harry Potter related outside of, you know, a book, and I’m not good with dates, but the reaction from the Black sisters rather surprised me. I forget that all this runs together sometimes, even though they were separate stories, separate lives, could have intertwined. It’s interesting, though, in Phoenix, when Sirius says he had spotted Bellatrix maybe once before he spotted her in prison.

The snapshot thing is nice. There are grammar errors here and there, but I’m sure that you can clean those up with a nice once over. (Of course, doubt feel bad “ I’m catching my own typos drafting this review!:)) They are quick snapshots, make no mistake, especially as you go on. It rather surprises me that the Sorting Hat plays soothsayer here, spelling out a direct line of what we readers know them to be in future. That’s a step farther than reading a character and pointing out strengths and weaknesses. I forgot how the Sorting Hat reacted with Harry, but I don’t know. It was different. It’s hard to say.

And then you jump rope with memories. It’s an unexpected move, to be sure, since you focused so much on that first day. Hiding the map? No, excuse me, intentionally getting caught with the map is a clever move. Indeed. That definitely sounds up the boys’ alley. Well played. Well done on your first piece.

Jenn

Author's Response: Hi Jenn =) Thank you for a lovely and well thought out review! I'm awful at grammar, so I'm not surprised there were some errors (yet I'm fine when it comes to being a Beat, I'm weird like that =P), once again thank you =) ~Abi~

 

Small Hours by Acacia Carter
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 6]

Summary: Past Featured StoryFrank had hoped that his and Alice's first Christmas together would have just a little more hope and cheer than this.

Second Place Winner for the Great Hall-iday Challenge of 2011, for the prompt "Christmas at Ground Zero."



Categories: Marauder Era Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1871 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
12/09/11 Updated: 12/11/11


Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 12/20/11 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Acacia,

You are really talented, jumping right into the action. The house fire scene plays on one of my greatest fears, so the uncomfortable eerie feeling that you’ve set up from the start here is chilling. I even have goose bumps thinking about it. Honestly, I started reading it yesterday, fishing through the archives, and I stopped. Absolutely terrifying for a holiday centered piece, oh, the goose bumps! The set up with Lupin and Frank is a good one; Frank’s thought process is really, really good as he prepares to go home.

I don’t think that many writers focus on the aspect of the war toll; they usually focus on the friendship of the four friends and the occasional missing person. In the negative, indeed! The list Mad-Eye reeled off in that the book carries weight with it, now, never really thought that way about the recruits. On the surface, they’re just members, names, but when you put it in that light “ it’s really something. The way the tone shifts is a cleaver move; it goes from a dark mood or a softer one, which is really well done in a short piece.

The only thing that I see out of place, and this is rather a pet peeve of the Marauders that I guess carries over, are the nicknames. Frank is a nickname, or at least a short variation, in itself. It sounded a little off. I don’t exactly know why. Yeah, and another thing that matches another reviewer’s response, Alice knows the gender really early. I assumed she was just randomly assigned a gender. People do that.

The darkness, though, you did really well. Sorry I went chicken and ran from your imagery. The written word, for me, can often be more frightening than a horror movie because you think about it. I was going to stray away from this because I’m drafting for a prompt in the GH challenge, but you did really well. Good luck in the challenge. I must read more of your things.

Happy Holidays.

Jenn

Author's Response: My, people really do not like the nicknames. :P I guess I drew too much from my own parents, who have pet names they use in private but never use them if they think anyone is listening. It always struck me as creating a more intimate atmosphere for the conversation, but apparently it's an idiosyncrasy. I'll have to keep it in mind for future pieces, as well as the general "how did she know the baby's gender so early?" feeling I'm getting from a lot of people.
Thank you so much for the review, I'm glad that my imagery evoked such a strong reaction - though I apologize if it was a negative experience for you!

 

Heat of Life by Equinox Chick
Rated: Professors [Reviews - 19]

Summary: Katie Bell was surprised to receive an official note from Harry Potter. Usually he just popped his head around the door when he wanted a chat, but then he tells her he needs her help tracking down a dangerous Dark wizard who is targeting Muggle girls.

She can't possibly refuse, especially not when it's Harry asking her.

Disclaimer: It is pointless me pretending any more. Look, I'm not JK Rowling, and never have been.

This is Equinox Chick of the Mighty House of Badgers, writing for the Inaugural Great Hall Cotillion thingy.



Categories: Harry/Other Character Genre: Warnings: Dubious Consent, Mild Profanity, Sexual Situations

Word count: 15195 Chapters: 3 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/11/12 Updated: 02/24/12


Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 02/15/12 Title: Chapter 1: One

Carole.

I didn’t know which one of these to pick, so I landed on this one. I wanted to check out something. Harry and Katie. Interesting.

The memo thing? I’d forgotten about that; it’s been a long time since I’ve bothered to pick up ones of these books. I didn’t know the airplane thing “ and that one of Rowling’s ideas that I really liked, too, a simple solution “ had names stamped or addressed on the outside. The deciphering the meaning of the message is done really well here.

We need a woman. Good line. Yeah ... and? A witch with a pulse. Even better. Oh, my God! I’m reading a bit here, stopping, laughing, and starting again. And then the humour evaporates and you drop on a dime to a serious subject “ a surprising one. The weaving with Thomas is really well done; I didn’t know he had a sister. Very good set up this blending, really well thought out. Do they call them blendings? “ Hey. Mixologist. Never mind. No, really, the setting of the club atmosphere is set really well. I’ve never known a barman to act that that way, drunks, maybe, but then I only know like three barmen. It’s degusting “ you’ve made me rethink going out entirely.

This is really very good, and disconcerting. I’ve a barmaid who I’m very close to and this just sounds all too familiar. The original thought here is flooring. God, I’m shaking. What’s this? Harry downs the drink? Takes the hit, as it were. Don’t think I’m insulting you “ this is one hell of an eye opener. So original. The idea, the execution, the shivering guy in the flat?

Thank you for writing this. I can hear my sister, my barmaid, screaming her advice all through this. She doesn’t play “ and neither, it appears, do you.

Well done, Carole. I’m going to wash my hands now. I’d shake your hand, if I didn’t feel so ... yeah, Soap and water.

Jenn

Author's Response: Um, thank you ... .

Okay, yes in OOTP Harry sees the paper planes and Arthur explains that they're not messy like owls - always stayed with me that line. As far as Dean goes, there's a message on Potterwatch about his family hoping he's okay. By family I assume they can't just mean his mum, so I have taken fanfic licence and given him a step-dad and a sister (or two). It's partial canon.

Do they call them blendings?

I have no idea.

Seriously, you don;t know any lecherous barmen? I must be going to the wrong places, but they're the ones that always serve the women with the biggest chests first. Plus this is a sleazy dive. We have so many places like thing in UK - ha!.

Harry downing the drink is explained in the next chapter (which should be up soon) because really, he should have known better.

I used to be a barmaid, btw. I have served some very dodgy customers.

I’m going to wash my hands now. I’d shake your hand, if I didn’t feel so ... yeah, Soap and water. Uhhh, did my story make your palms sweaty or dirty? IT gets steamier in chapter three, just so you're warned. Sorry, not sure how to respond to that, but thanks for the review. ~Carole~

 

Polar Nights by episkey_
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 5]

Summary: It's always too dark to see in his cell.

Sirius Black. 1981.

Categories: Marauder Era Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 845 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/24/12 Updated: 04/08/12


Reviewer: Writ Encore Signed
Date: 06/03/12 Title: Chapter 1: Polar Nights

The first paragraph here draws you in and sets the mood; fromthe start, it's there. The isolation, the cold drift, the desertion. The Auror visiting him brings a question that I've often wondered maself : How wouold an officer or a Minister not be affected. Especialy when you think of Fudge. The second person works well, Oh, the detail here is not too overdone, but it is a little with the "darkness" but you pull back and redeem yourself here as you continue. The "feeding the jacket to the bin" is that when he first comes in? Just asking. The jumping and blending of days, the loss of sensations sounds intersting; our surroundings are simply that, our surroundings. THe metaphors are a little overdone in the first paragraph, but the thought process brweing there is natural. Seriously, though, would Fudge or the Auror not be affected by the Dementors? Would Sirius not have registered that? Well written and well done.

 
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