Hi! I'm Katrina and I am not J.K. Rowling (just to avoid any confusion there).
I've been writing on MNFF since about 2010, but up until a few months ago had not written anything for quite some time. So I am trying to get back into writing, and have quite a few stories percolating in my head, but I just need to find the time to write them.
I basically only write one-shots (I have one three chaptered story), and they're usually character explorations and snapshots rather than long plots, but I've written about a variety of characters, so hopefully there's something you'll enjoy. I like experimenting a bit with form too.
Anyway if you have stumbled here by accident, I do hope you enjoy something.
What a lovely Ron/Hermione fic. Your characterisation is just... perfect, particularly of Ron.
This was my favourite line
Author's Response: Hopefully your favourite line wasn't 'The End' - LOL. Thanks for the review Katrina, much appreciated. ~Carole~
I think this is an interesting start for a story. I like the idea of showing the Battle from the perspective of a younger student, who isn't at all connected to the DA and isn't necessarily aware of what is going on in the wider wizarding community.
Somehow I didn't feel that you quite captured the terror of the Carrows - you often mentioned words such as "terrified", but you don't show much how they affected the students. Perhaps you could have focussed more on Bailey's cut and how it affects her emotionally/mentally.
I think you conveyed the mixture of anticipation and fear that Michael felt at the end, when he was told to get up. That part was written well.
Also, another small thing - it seemed a little odd that Michael only referred to Bailey by name (of the students), and others were described as "the curly haired boy" or something like that - I imagine that after 3 years in the Ravenclaw dormitory, he would know the names of some others, and just that would add something I think.
Anyway, I hope you don't think I've been too negative in this review, that's not what I intended, because I think you have a great idea here which could just be a bit better.
Author's Response: Thanks a lot for the great review! I will definately fix those little errors, and try to improve the emotions of the next chapter. Again, thanks so much! ~Zack
This is a very interesting story, Lori. Firstly - I absolutely loved your characterisations. Ron was still Ron, still threw in a humorous comment, yet he was so caring and aware of Hermione's feelings (which showed how he had matured... he wasn't exactly the most sensitive boy in canon). I really liked the ending, it showed that their life continues and they'll just keep trying and moving through life together.
I think this is an interesting topic... I've always wondered, too, why Ron and Hermione didn't have a child earlier... to me it seemed like they'd be ready for a family earlier than Harry and Ginny. I've written a story about this in which Ron and Hermione lose a child, but I think the events in your story are almost more poignant, and more difficult for them, because, as you said, there's always that question of what if they can't.
I really liked the way you described their reactions to Ginny's pregnancy, and how they will struggle to be happy for their friends but they will be nonetheless because their friendship is important.
So all in all, I really liked this story, you dealt with the topic really well, your writing and dialogue were great and your characterisation spot on.
Author's Response: Hi Katrina. Thanks so much for leaving me such a thoughtful review. I think it's interesting that so many others seem to have wondered at them not having children earlier, just like did. If you imagine them marrying later on, it's not so strange, but I personally think they would have married pretty quickly... so yeah, you wonder. Thank you so much for what you said about the characterization. I care a great deal about that and it is rewarding when any reviewer thinks it rings true to canon.
This was a really interesting concept for a story - I don't think I've ever thought about how wizards would take over an investigation from Muggles.
Characterisations were, as usual, brilliant. As I've said in reviews for other stories, I really love what you've done with Lavender, and this story is no exception. I felt so bad for her in that segment at the end... it makes me think, too. Do people really judge others so much by appearance? I think they do. Still something interesting to think about.
I liked the conversation between Bobbie and Lavender about the latter being a werewolf, and Bobbie's attitude to that, that was a really nice idea.
I liked the contrast of Lavender and Susan - a great due to pick for a team. I think it was particularly interesting because I've read a number of your stories, in some of which these two appear and seem to have an interesting relationship.
Even though he didn't actually appear, Harry was so in character in this - I really can see him wanting to make sure no deaths go 'under the radar'.
So all in all, another interesting piece. Loved it.
Author's Response: ~Katrina
Thanks for the review.
I suspect that, before the war, the Ministry would have simply retrieved the body and Obliviated everyone involved. As you observed, Harry will want more than simply a cover up.
People do still judge others by appearance, and in my opinion far too many people want to be judged that way. Some people pay a lot of money to become “more beautiful”. I think that “my” Lavender not only judges others by their appearance, but also dresses attract, making her a little guilty too.
I’m guilty of having a future history plotted and dipping into it randomly. The stories of how Bobbie joins that Auror Office, when Lavender gets bitten, and Susan’s future remain in my head. The Lavender/Susan relationship is really great to write, I had so much fun writing their bickering that I’m already planning another M.I.T. story. -N-
I thought this was a very well-written snippet of Lily and Severus' friendship. Lily was perfect - both sensitive and caring and always desperate to find a solution. I liked the line where she thought that Severus lied very easily... it's a nice bit of foreshadowing.
Severus was such a broken boy, both innocent and someone who had lived through too much. I really liked the concern he showed for his mother... I have also always imagined that the only two people Severus every loved were his mother and Lily. Having them both in this story really drew that connection.
I loved the ending, but I wonder if perhaps you could cut out the "he agreed" tag at the end of Sev's dialogue, I think it would have more of an impression if you just ended with "Forever."
Anyway, that's a small thing. Good work in this fic :),
Firstly - you write such brilliant summaries. I've thought that about your stories before, but this one was just exceptional. Even from a visual perspective, the first thing I saw was "Death" at the top and "Life" at the bottom, so perfectly juxtaposed.
Anyway, I loved the story, too. Percy's characterisation was just amazing.
He is good at this, he’s been doing it all his life. This time, though, it’s different. This time, he’s not thinking about how these projects will affect his career, if he’s associating with the right people, if he’s on the fastest track for a promotion, how much recognition he’ll get from them. This time, he’s hiding from the ghouls in his attic. That just says so much about Percy and how he's changed, it's a wonderful paragraph.
I like the idea that you picked Ernie to come up to him, because Ernie really is a little like Percy - pompous, a bit self-important etc. So I loved that connection.
The scars on his face seem to fade—they don’t disappear completely and probably never will, but they tell of old stories instead of fresh wounds. That's such a lovely distinction, and even though at this stage Percy's not in the frame of mind to move on, it does show hope for the future.
The interaction between George and Percy was perfectly timed and I could just feel the tension in that room.
A few little nitpicks - The first thing Percy sees when he opens his eyes in a broomstick. Odd, thinks Percy, but he doesn’t really care. He’s only ever first once and has no desire to do so again. Yet another reminder he doesn’t fit in with his family. I didn't understand this - are you missing something in the middle sentence? Or am I just not seeing the obvious...?
"Drink this,” orders a horse voice it should be "hoarse".
(who were practically Weasleys anyway) - I think it would flow better if this was in present tense, too.
Percy starts at him, - Should this be stares? It's not grammatically incorrect as you've written it, but stares would make more sense to me.
Anyway, you really are a fantastic writer and you've captured Percy so well here. Very impressive.
Author's Response: Ahh, thank you! I agonize a lot over my summaries and I know they're a bit different from the status quo, so it's good to know that someone likes them! :) Thank you for those nitpicks. While I was correcting them, I actually caught a few more. >.> Just shows that there's no such thing as too much editing I guess. haha. Thank you for your comments. That line about the scars that you picked out is one of my favourites. :D This is my first time writing Percy, so I was a bit unsure of how it would work out. I can't tell you how happy I am that you thought it was good. Thank you so much for this wonderful review! <3Mere
Well after that end note, I just have to review... and give you some carrots? lol.
I do enjoy your "Epitaph" fics (I'm pretty sure I've reviewed HJP, if I haven't, I've definitely read it). I think it's just such a creative idea, and well done for coming up with something great in the end, because I think I would be stumped.
I'm glad that Harry couldn't bring himself to like Severus, because I don't think he could be IC and do that. I think after learning what Snape did, he learns to respect him (although I never knew quite why he named his son after him...), although it doesn't take away how cruel Snape was to Harry. I know a few other reviewers have had queries about you saying "Hermione actually liked him. She respected him.", but I think that's valid, because from Harry's POV it probably seemed like that.
Sometimes your writing seemed a little... colloquial, I suppose. I know you're writing inside Harry's head, but lines like "Yay for Muggle graves. Yay for..." just didn't sit right with me. They didn't seem really Harry either. I wouldn't write "â€˜cause" either, I'd write "because" - usually you stick to colloquialisms just in dialogue... but it's no big deal.
I loved the actual epitaph, and some of the others made me laugh. I liked the fact that the Malfoys actually cared, but Severus being Draco's godfather? I don't know... I suppose it's possible, but I can't imagine that Severus had that good a reputation with Voldemort when Draco was born - he was only a few years out of school, and Lucius was four years older...
Anyway, I did really like this story, although maybe not as much as HJP.
Author's Response: Yes, the carrots confused me too, however I'll just take it as Fred reincarnated :). I'm really glad you enjoyed this fic, and the Harry one too. I do have to tell you though, I absolutely love you for your comment about Hermione - the arguments are fun but it's always nice to have someone on your side. I completely get your point about Harry's colloquialisms, they don't quite work with the Harry that we see throughout canon. However, I'd like to point out that JK really doesn't explore Harry post-war. I can see him feeling a little more dark - even if only just for a little while. Nobody goes through war without being affected. Ah well, onto Severus. I see your point that Severus may not have had such a good reputation with Voldemort, however, if Severus had joined up as soon as he left school - in the summer of 1978, Draco wasn't born until summer 1980. Severus would have been a Death Eater for two years, long enough to gain a reputation. If you choose not to believe this, then think that perhaps Lucius is as perceptive as he thinks himself to be. Severus is a powerful wizard, and that much would have been obvious to Lucius, so why should he not bind his son, and his family to such a powerful wizard, who would likely then be more inclined to do things for them. Overall, I'm glad you liked it, thanks for the review!
This fic really made me laugh, it was just fantastic. The whole idea for the plot avoided cliches, was clever and very funny. Funniest bit - when Lily wiped the chocolate crumbs of Sirius' face... oh how I would have loved to have seen that...
I really liked the use of first person here - it really helped to build up the suspense. Throughout the fic you wrote lines about how Sirius should have seen it coming or should have known what was going on, which tells the reader that something weird indeed is going on, but we're left guessing just as much as Sirius.
I also liked how you characterised Sirius in this - often in fanfiction people seem to write him as a complete womaniser who has no respect for women, though he is loyal to his friends. I liked how you made him almost sweet in this, and how Lily and Victoria's behaviour bothered him. (I hope this made sense.)
In canon, it says the Beauxbatons and Durmstrang are the other major wizarding schools in Europe, which I never quite understood as I wondered where students from other countries went, if they couldn't speak those languages. I suppose there's other smaller schools around, like the one in Northern Italy in this fic. (Sorry, rambling here.) Anyway, I do wonder about the exchange in this - in canon, there's no mention of exchanges... though it doesn't necessarily mean they don't happen. Also, Victoria seems to have an exceptionally good command of English, and from my experience, even a very good student of another language who has been learning it for a long time would still make mistakes with phrases and mispronounce words. So I guess that would just add more authenticity to her character.
Anyway, I'm getting very off topic here... that's really only a very minor thing. Loved the story, Gina.
Author's Response: Thank you so much, Katrina. You're reviews are always so lovely. I just love receiving them. I'm so glad you laughed, because I laughed while I was writing this! So I'm happy the humour I was thinking and feeling came through. There are a few moments I would like to see myself in this. I'm also glad the first person with Sirius worked. I tried to write him once before and just couldn't get it right. Now I think that story was just not his story - this one was. It was fun. As for the exchange student - I see no reason why there can't be other schools besides the two we've seen in canon. Europe is a big place, after all. ;) But I definitely see your point about Victoria's English! And that's where I confess that I believe the original idea was that she was American, only I thought that was a little cliche so I gave her some of my Italian heritage. Only I have no idea how to write an Italian accent. Fail, lol! I do appreciate you pointing it out, though, so next time I write a foreign character I can think about the language/accent more. I'm glad she didn't distract you too much. Thanks again for the amazing review, I really appreciate it! ~Gina :)
I don't think I've ever read such a comprehensive story about Peter's descent into betrayal... using the seasons was a beautiful idea and shows that this was a gradual process - he didn't just decide to become a Death Eater one day without reason.
I really liked how you used small scenes to show this change, rather than having a long inner monologue from Peter, so we as readers really get to see why he feels left out amongst his friends.
I think Peter stories always have that tragic element, because we already know his fate, and you really wrote this well by creating empathy and (dare I say it) almost a liking for Peter, which makes his betrayal all the more sad (because if no-one cared about Peter, there wouldn't be any tragedy).
What comes across to me in this story is the idea about choice (although that could be because it's my personal belief and I see it in a lot of stories...). As in, there is a reason that Peter did what he did, but he could have chosen not to do it. He always believed that he was left out, but that's partially his attitude and if you have that attitude, it will always feel like you're left out. I think this idea is something that JKR explores a lot in canon, as Harry and Voldemort are set up having similar and terrible childhoods, and yet they become so opposite. Anyway, I hope I'm not just rambling here and I make sense...
The last line of this story was just haunting... it made me want to reach out to Peter, which is an achievement, because I think what he did was abominable. So that shows that you're an excellent author. Well done :).
Author's Response: Thank you for such a wonderful review! I was trying to create some empathy for Peter and I'm so glad it worked. I definitely agree with you about choice. It is something that JKR really spends time exploring--"It is our choices, Harry, far more than our abilities that determine who we really are"? I was also hoping that that theme would come across in this story. Peter chose to have a certain attitude and that affected what happened to his life. Ahh, you've made me blush. Thank you so much again. <3Mere
My first thought when I saw this was if both Gina and Carole have written it, it must be amazing. And I certainly wasn't disappointed. You're two of my favourite authors on Mugglenet, so I'm really glad you collaborated on something.
I loved the characterisation of both Pomona and Gilderoy (or Dick). It was fitting that Pomona got so upset about a plant being ruined, and I liked the idea that she had been his teacher and remembered what he had been like at school. The awkwardness of them once having had a student/teacher relationship and now beeing peers was interesting. On one hand I can't quite imagine Professor Sprout being as unprofessional as to shout at Lockhart in front of the whole school... but at the same time, it's about plants and Lockhart... so maybe she's allowed some room.
Gilderoy was written so well - particularly lines like He would get her back for this, or his name wasn’t ‘Gilderoy Lockhart.’ Just genius. His arrogance was hilarious and very in character. I loved the part when the potion worked on him and he was throwing himself at Severus...
The other teachers, particularly Minerva, were done so well (particularly her comments at the end). Although I wonder about Severus saying "Good Godric"...
Anyway, not only were your characterisations great, this was just a hilarious story, I couldn't stop laughing. Particularly at Gilderoy's attempts to recover some dignity, because he believes he has a reputation to maintain, when in fact he doesn't because everyone already dislikes him.
Good job with the Weasley twins, too. And that situation in class with Angelina and Alicia.
Throughout the story, I couldn't tell that this was written by two different authors - your really managed to mesh your styles together very well and the story was very fluid.
Author's Response: Thank you very much. Gina and I had a great time with this story and spent many a long email giggling over 'Dick' so I'm pleased you liked it too. As far as our styles go, Gina wrote the classy bits, I wrote the silliness. ~Carole~
Gina, I really do love your dialogue-only fics. I am completely in awe of how you manage to give away so much setting and tell the plot simply through dialogue... and you just nailed these two characters and this scene. I mean, after those opening lines, how could you go wrong? "Hermione, I've been thinking." / "Is that why you've been eating so much lately?" That's a fantastic opening.
I loved how Ron proposed... I can imagine him trying to take her for a walk and do something romantic and then end up just blurting it out at the breakfast table. And it is very sweet of Ron to want to give up the job he loves for Hermione... it really shows how he's matured particularly since earlier canon.
So really I have nothing more to say other than that this is just perfect for these two characters... excellent job!
(Happy Birthday Lori - I love your Ron/Hermione fics too!)
Author's Response: Thanks, Katrina! I'm glad you liked the opening - Ron and his food, right? ;) And I'm very happy you found them in character, even with no narrative. I like writing this way sometimes, it's fun. And I'm so glad when people enjoy it because I worry the dialogue only thing will turn some readers off. I'm glad it worked for you. Thanks so much for the amazing review!! ~Gina :)
This was a very interesting story, Carole. I haven't seen that movie, so I don't know how much of this is its plot... but wherever the idea came from, this is well-written and a great read.
I loved how you managed to intertwine several storylines - Roger/Astoria/Draco, Daphne/Anthony (this might have been my favourite, it was so sad), Dean/Lisa, the Greengrass family dynamics... and yet this story flows well and doesn't feel overwhelming.
I was expecting Astoria and Draco to get back together... after all, you tend to be a canon-stickler, but I was intrigued as to how it would happen. I loved how you wrote it.
I'm curious... was Draco trying to be obnoxiously funny when talking to Dean about Seamus? Because he struck me as over-the-top if he was just behaving normally... but that's just my opinion.
I loved Calliope. The way children tend to just say what they think was very effective in this story.
Author's Response: Thank you very much. Um, Draco was deliberately being obnoxious in the same way that Astoria pretended not to remember who Lisa was. I think they're made for each other - ha ha. The film, btw, is amazing and there's also a musical version called High Society. (stops plugging the films) Thanks again ~Carole~
Sometimes I should probably think a bit more before reviewing stories... after I got your response, I re-read this story and it seemed rather obvious that Draco was being purposefully obnoxious, just as Astoria was. You're right, they really are perfect for each other.
Author's Response: That's okay, I frequently review and then think ... 'Oh, she did write that.' Thanks again ~Carole~
Beautiful. That's the first thing that comes to mind about this story... your writing is excellent, you really had me in this story, I was really worried you were going to kill Scorpius or something, so I guess that's what it would have been like for Hugo. And I can't believe you killed Andrew! He's such a wonderful character!
This had a nice mixture of fun, pain, love, tension... just everything. Nathan being turned into a broom really made me smile, and Rosemary was a lovely character. It's weird thinking of Nathan as older... in my mind he's still the innocent Nathan we see in Becoming Rita... anyway...
I liked the way you explored the idea of words. It added something really different to this story.
The first time I read this, Ron's dialogue at the beginning seemed to me a bit more like Harry than Ron, but I didn't notice it so much when I re-read it... so I'm not sure. I can't really explain why, but it just didn't quite feel like Ron. (Sorry, that's not very constructive...)
Now the ending of this story is simply amazing. My last coherent thought before drifting off to sleep is this: tomorrow, I’m for the world and I’ll mourn with it, but tonight, let me stay drunk with life. Just wow. Really. How on earth do you come up with lines like this?
Oh yes, one more thing, I loved what you did with Draco, and the shift in his relationship with Hugo between the beginning and the end.
I'm not the biggest Scorpius/Hugo fan, but your excellent writing really made that relationship believable as well, although it wasn't really the main part of this story.
I loved the idea of a bomb, too. That was something really creative and different, I don't think I've ever read a fic which features a Muggle bomb before.
I had sort of hoped that you'd somehow resolve Hugo's relationship with his father... although I suppose you kind of do in the second last paragraph, or at least you say that he will try and resolve it. It's just that everything else sort of felt resolved, except for that.
I really really really (need I say it again?) loved this story... it was just so well-written and so emotional and really creative as well.
Author's Response: Katrina!
Wow! Generally I'm not much of a James/Sirius fan, so I was a little tentative about this story... but I had no need to be. Often to me James/Sirius stories don't really stick to canon and their characterisation, but this story did perfectly.
There was just so much vulnerability in both of them here, and fragility. I liked how you built up a sense of excitement at the beginning, particularly in Sirius, but by also having James' dream about Lily interrupted it shows a reluctance on James' part, which jars with that excitement. That usually meant…well, James tried not to think about that quite yet. That just shows what James is thinking and feeling so well.
“But what?” asked Sirius. “Don’t apologize, Prongs. I’m not going to be offended.” I think this really shows what you explore a bit later - that Sirius always knew it would end, and perhaps James did, too, and now they just have to accept it.
"Still friends?" he finally asked, terrified of the answer. He refused to think that his relationship with Lily would cost him his friendship with Sirius; he did not know if he would accept that. That shows such a vulnerability in James, and I really liked how you showed that he is truly afraid that Sirius would withdraw his friendship.
Sirius ruffled his hair, and James was sure his friend was wearing a smile that masked the underlying sadness he often hid from rest of the world. Wow. What a perfect way of showing Sirius' character. This is an aspect of him I completely agree with - underneath I think he misses his family... or misses the family he wished he had... and feels a lot more pain than other people, but he masks it all with a casual smile or a joke... and I think you're right, only James can really see through this.
A sudden lump formed in his throat, but James swallowed it away, determined not to let Sirius see his regret. I think this is an interesting line, because it shows how they have lost something in their relationship, in that James doesn't want Sirius to see his regret - therefore they are no longer as close.
I liked the joking cameraderie between them at the end - I think at this stage both of them are hiding their sadness, and yet it shows that they both accept it and want to make their friendship work despite the fact that it's so different now.
Anyway... this was a very long review, but I think you may have converted me to ship James/Sirius...
Author's Response: I've converted someone! Yay! You know, I hadn't really given much thought to James/Sirius until I wrote this, and now I love it, more than any of the other Marauder ships. There are just so many dimensions to explore, from their vulnerability to their closeness to their reluctance to part. I'm so glad you gave this story a chance and ended up enjoying it. As always, thank you so much for the lovely review!! ~Gina :)
This was another enjoyable story. I really liked your characterisation of Lily - often in fanfiction she seems to be written as a younger version of Ginny - popular, fiery, good at Quidditch, naturally talented but not necessarily hard-working etc, and you showed someone different, who was entirely her own person. Of course, I can see a fair bit of Harry and a little of Ginny in her, but I think you did a great job of creating someone new and interesting.
Brian was a great character, too - I'm glad you divulged his last name at the end, I was wondering how come he'd been a family friend... okay I probably could have guessed when you said he went into Hufflepuff "following in his mother's footsteps, not his father's", but I didn't. So glad you put that in. I loved the way he stood up for Lily and how he could get so excited about broomstick regulations. Even though he didn't like broomsticks. He seems like a very believable OC to me, and really perfect for your interpretation of Lily.
Just a few small things - Being in both different houses and different years at Hogwarts had meant her and Brian saw less and less of each other. - I'm pretty sure it should be "she and Brian", not "her and Brian".
Also, you wrote "American" instead of "America".
Before I finish, I loved Ginny in this, although I was surprised that Harry didn't say something like "what are you talking about, Ginny? We planned to meet here..." because Harry doesn't seem to have very much tact. Perhaps his wife has taught him some over twenty or something years of marriage.
Author's Response: A very belated thank you for the lovely review, Katrina! I'm glad you enjoyed the story and really appreciate the comment about Brian as a character because until recently I haven't written many stories with OCs in them. Now all of a sudden I'm juggling quite a few, although they are all minor. Good point about Harry, but lets just say he's learned after so many years, lol. Thanks again! ~Gina :)
This was something really different and original and I really enjoyed it. You completely nailed Hermione's characterisation - I smiled when she was expecting to be remonstrated by Madam Pomfrey for falling asleep, it was so typical of her. I think you show a real strength of character in her, too, because the idea of Viktor - someone who would do anything for her and is so attentive and in many ways "perfect" - would be very tempting, particularly because it would be something to hold onto when she's going through so much. I wasn't sure what you were going to do with that scene, particularly when they were in the forest together and Hermione was still so unsure of what Ron felt for her. I really liked the way you solved it.
I do feel a bit bad for Viktor, though, because he does seem to genuinely care for her. I think it's great that you explored this a bit more, because in canon we're never given a definitive ending to this relationship.
Ron was just so... Ron in that last scene. He doesn't say things in the same gentlemanly chilvalrous way that Viktor does, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care. You got his dialogue just perfect there.
You handled Viktor's accent really well - it didn't break up the flow of the story at all. I liked how each character's dialogue sounded different - you wrote Hagrid's really well, and there were just mannerisms in each person's dialogue that made it clear who was talking.
One thing - near the end you wrote "It's like a plank with a blanked sewn on" - I assume you meant blanket?
Hehe, yeah, it was supposed to be 'blanket'. In my defence, it was 2am, I'd been up for nearly 24 hours, and that deadline (the same one as Petunia's story) was looming big time. I skimmed it, but not well enough, lol. Thank you for pointing that out. :D
What I wanted was for Viktor to have a bit of a disillusioned view of what had been between them. He thought that she wanted what he did and that the only reason it never worked between them was the age gap, which would've been less important, since Hermione was only a few months away from turning 19. He didn't realise that what she'd actually been doing when she was with him during fourth year was jerking Ron around for not asking her to the Yule Ball, which is an appropriately immature action for a fifteen year old. He just never saw her as the hurt little girl that she was at the time. And when she never dissuaded him of that notion by keeping in contact, he kept holding out hope that the next step would come. He was even willing to move across the world for her. I wanted to hug him when she said no.
And as for being in the woods, Viktor was sort of angling for something along those lines. It wasn't that he felt it was his due, but more that she felt the same about him as he did her. He never knew that he just didn't have a chance with her, not when she'd always had a thing for Ron.
I tried to make them true to their canon characters, but still a bit of what I personaly picture. While I'm not sure that Hermione ever thought twice about furthering things with Viktor, I wanted him to make it hard to say no. She'd never truly had her own personal hero before, but he'd have spent every waking moment trying to be that for her. That's why I wanted her to falter, if only for a moment.
Hagrid makes me aggravated when I listen to him talk in the movies. I'm a proponent for clear, concise speech, and he makes my English hurt, hehe. I'm glad I could bring forth his Devon-ish accent without butchering it, lol.
Thanks for the lovely review. You understood where I wanted to go with the story and even made me a bit more confident that I did it well. I heart you for that. :D
Right from the first sentence this was just so perfectly in character... Petunia's anxiety to impress was excellent, and I loved this part - He grunted and stalked past Petunia when she gestured for him to enter their house, which she had cleaned from top to bottom for just this occasion. That single sentence shows so much of their characters and their relationship... just wow.
Her parents were quite amusing in their attempts to make things work for her.
I have to say, I actually felt bad for Petunia at the end... I wonder if anyone's ever written Vernon proposing to her? I can't imagine it... Anyway, his actual question was also very in character, as was her response.
So I'm going on a bit here... but this was just amazing characterisation.
You know, in a way, I feel bad for Petunia. For years, she spent her entire life thinking what Vernon thought because she felt like it was her duty as his wife to do that. And on top of that, she had an inferiority complex about Lily's magical ability and her own lack thereof, I think it really, along with her submissive personality, really diminished her sense of self worth. A person with a decent self image would never have bothered with a jerk like Vernon, but in a way, he was what she needed. He removed her need to grow out of her rivalry with her sister and then something else to work for.
Anywho, rambling. Glad you liked it. I may or may not have written it in under an hour against a looming deadline, which I made by only five minutes. o.O
I really enjoyed this fic. I think Sirius is a very interesting character, particularly in relation to his family vs the family he made for himself (ie the Marauders). I think you've really shown the man underneath the confidence and arrogance here, a man who perhaps wishes he could have had a loving family, or at least that he could have kept his brother. I liked the fact that Sirius felt guilty about Regulus, and felt that he should have been able to do something, that's a very typical sibling reaction.
I liked how you mingled past scenes with present scenes. Particularly the first two past scenes were fantastic.“I understand Reggie, I do, I just learned to pretend that I’m perfect for them, so will you. We’ve got to make them think we think we’re good enough and maybe they can’t see our flaws.” That's such a beautiful line.
You also showed a great sense of war in this fic, particularly in Sirius' distrust of Remus, who has been a close friend for years. James' injuries added to this, too. There was just a sense of things falling apart and dying, which was well done.
Just a few nitpicks - I thought the boldened words interrupted the flow a bit. I know they were important words, but it sort of detracted a bit for me.
Also, you misspelt Kreacher and Apparated (you wrote Kretcher and Apperated).
One more thing, which is that you talking about the Death Eater as "it" just seemed a bit strange to me. I suppose you were trying to animalise/objectify the cruelty of Death Eaters, but that doesn't really make sense to me, because Dumbledore values all human life, and I think that's what he would have taught the OotP. If you used it because of gender ambiguity, I think the only female Death Eater ever mentioned in canon is Bella (we know for example that Narcissa isn't one, though she sympathises with them), so it would be natural for Sirius to assume that the Death Eater was male.
Anyway, those were just a few small things which didn't quite feel right in this story, otherwise I really enjoyed it. I hope you submit more stories soon.
Oh, one last thing, I think you characterised Dumbledore very well, he felt very believable. As did Lily.
A war is raging across the country. Colin Creevey is ready to fight, while his brother Dennis is in hiding with other Muggleborn refugees in the London Underground. Both are ready to play their part in a war that will forever change the history of the Wizarding world.
One will not survive. The other will have his life forever changed by the tragedy that befalls his brother.
But this is not a story about death or loss. This is a tale about brotherhood.
Much, much thanks to the absolutely amazing Elené for beta-ing this. Without her, this story would not be. Disclaimer: I don't own any of JKR's stuff.
Ariana, I was nearly in tears at the end of this chapter. This was just beautifully written.
I loved this line It occurred to him that he was becoming more and more like an older brother to Will, and he’d never been good at being the older one. It's a lovely line which really shows Dennis' character, and how much of him is connected to being the younger brother of Colin. It was also a lovely connection to the idea of brotherhood which is central to this story.
I loved the flashback scene and the way it showed how Colin takes the lead. I tend to still think of him as how he was in his first year, and I loved you showing him as having matured and being the leader. I think in some ways Colin is quite like Harry and Neville, in that he has something to prove and has to find his bravery, but when does, he has it in spades. If he had gone to Hogwarts, I'm sure he would have been there with Neville and Ginny right from the beginning.
Anyway, I digress. I loved how Colin sprung it on Dennis that they were leaving and didn't tell him that they wouldn't be together until the end, because Dennis would have argued and tried to convince him otherwise if he head.
No one understands that.” Not even Colin. I loved this line, because it sets up an experience that for once Dennis and Colin can't share.
and he was nothing more than an empty shell of the person he had once been. I think this would sound more effective if it were "and he was nothing more than an empty shell of a person".
Otherwise this was a lovely beginning.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for leaving a review! I'm happy you liked the chapter--I think this one is probably my favorite. I'm also glad you thought the dynamics of Colin and Dennis's relationship were well-done. I didn't want to write Colin as the boy he was in book two, because he's only eleven then and of course he's going to change. Your review was so wonderful to read, I didn't know more people were actually reading this story. I really appreciate all your comments, both compliments and crit :). xx Ariana