My name's Dinny and I'm a hardcore Gryffindor! Hee hee. I am open to any ship at all though I don't read much slash. I have two OTPs: Draco/Hermione and Rose/Scorpius.
My favourite authors in here are: (you should probably check out their stories, too) MagEd, ron lover, Kerichi, Equinox Chick, lucca4, hestiajones, the opaleye, and ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor.
I hope you enjoy my stories! After many hardships, I manage to publish at least one that entertains :D
You have a good hold of your words. Your sentences are like silk threads weaving. I mean, you describe very eloquently and purposefully. The imagination wasn’t lost, and because of it, the words were almost tangible. Do you get what I mean? Sentences like these:
She wasn't wholly bad, of course, not an empty shell, an aesthetically-pleasing figure devoid entirely of presence.
The sheer, blazing warmth of his skin almost seems to crackle with magnitude.
And know that when his piercing gaze focuses with gut-wrenching consideration on the limbs his fingers and tongue have previously teased, it's pure and utter manipulation.
I like your Narcissa very much. I thought Rodolphus’ discernment of her is justified and accurate. I can really understand how she grew up to be confident in only one aspect of her life – her beauty in appearance. Although I would have enjoyed reading how exactly she came to be like that, say a scene with her sisters or her mother perhaps, I still liked reading your story. Narcissa’s self-prohibited rule of showing her personality was so sad. Her confidence in her own soul, mind, and heart wasn’t strong enough as she had for her outward appearance. It seemed like she thought she was pure in pretty much everything but her own self. And, good Merlin, the sentence “you just can't cope with the idea of anyone loving you, and at that, loving you for you. Not as a Black. Not as a beautiful pure-blood. But as Narcissa - the person you are. You can't handle the idea that someone is going deeper than your appearance.” was a perfect aim to her person. I think that was the most beautiful part in the story. My second favourite would be this: “But you - your personality, your soul is so ignored, so worthless in these circles, that no-one's ever really paid any due attention to it - they've never had to.” That was really brilliant. That line, ‘your soul is so ignored.’ Another perfect line to describe her perspective.
Rodolphus was an enigma as well. I can truly imagine him playing it up, thinking it was just a game. But somewhere, the fun stops, and it’s not long before someone gets hurt. He was a gentleman. . . sort of. I liked his character, although I would have liked it more if there was more mention to him than that sole scene.
Over all, a story with wonderful characters, but a rather thin plot. Not that I don’t like the concept of the pairing, but I thought it was too short, and better explanations could have been made. I would just like to ask though, what Narcissa felt after the whole flashback. I didn’t really get the signal she was sending with that sigh. Was she heartbroken by it, or sad because Rodolphus wasn’t very good at persuading her to love herself and him with it?
I hope you don’t think I was too harsh. I did enjoy reading it. :)
You actually managed to strike up a marauder cliché with an experienced writer’s finesse. Of course, I wouldn’t have expected anything less than that. Anyway, I’m one for Marauder clichés, too, although I don’t know why. Using the exchange-student route, you also managed to fit in your originality in there. I mean, usually the first chapters will say how much she’s gorgeous, amazing. . . oh wait, yeah, that was mentioned by Sirius. But the thing is, is that it was told by him without the character not coming directly in to the scene. I find it a change of scenery when it comes to that particular cliché you’re writing about. The exchange student always turns out to be a sort of enigma, attracts the hottest of boys, and somehow keeps that dark, mysterious secret. In your case, it really seems like you’ve got that as well, but at the same time, you don’t. Like I said, you managed to fit in your originality.
I have a good idea about who was stealing that Euphoria potion. I think that in the reader’s view, it’s actually pretty obvious. That was what you were going for, right? It’s Jill. Jill, I’m telling you! Anyway, the plot’s brewing pretty well with the mystery of how Jill is really like in person and why she’s stealing potions. Though I do wonder how she got hold of the location of the private stock of Slughorn’s potions pretty fast. I suppose someone conveniently showed her the way. I bet she’s using that or her super powers on her fellow students. I mean, even Sirius doesn’t act that harsh towards Lily about something silly as the new girl moving to another House. The reason she moved was because of James, wasn’t it? Because of her attacking him. Or maybe because of Lily? I wouldn’t put it past Jill to move Houses because there were muggle magazines on her bed. . . she might be a pureblood elitist. But then again, that wouldn’t really quite explain why she got around talking about muggles in America. I’m reading too much into it.
I love your James here. He’s absolutely adorable, trying to cover up his relationship with Lily and standing up to his friends’ teasing because of it. The scene where he gets caught reading the magazine was one of my favourites. I think it’s because it reminds me of my cousins who act much like them there. I think you’ve got James (and Sirius, too) down in a punch. What I mean: you really got their character. Lily, even. Slughorn, too. Okay, I might as well say everyone. All the characters were in-character, and the dialogues/banters are just. . . them.
Lovely story, even with the clichés going on. I do love reading those once in a while. Cheers!
Author's Response: Ha ha - you are so right with some of your conclusions, but I'm not going to tell you which ones - heh heh. I'm glad you like the cliche's in it. Hmm, her dark, tragic secret ... I wonder what that could be? The next (and last) chapter will be up fairly soon. I need to polish it a bit and then submit it. Thank you so much for the comprehensive review ~ Carole~
Hello! This is a very interesting read. You manage to keep the characters age appropriate, which is a feat many authors miss while writing eleven year old boys. While they were on the platform, despite having most of the chapter already from the Epilogue, you managed to add your own twist to it, which was namely Albus's personality. His interaction with James was a great quality in the first two chapters. You captured what Jo wrote in the Epilogue and made it seem like if there was more to it, their taunts would be in the Epilogue. I almost couldn't get enough of it! It was very entertaining to read.
I do disagree with when Albus finds out about how Harry defeated Voldemort. It was bound to come up while they were younger. But I do believe that Harry and Ginny would have opted to stay away from wizard masses when the could, like choosing a Muggle resterant over a wizarding one, as people could say something to the family. What if one of the children asked what happened to Uncle Fred? Would they have lied? But I do understand Albus's confusion as to why everyone was staring at them; it must have been odd for an eleven year old. But I am curious. Why did you decide to leave them in the dark for eleven years?
A part in chapter five had me smiling. When Albus asked why he got the Cloak, Harry's answer just seemed like a perfect response. From what we see in the Epilogue and your writing, we can tell that James need invisibility to have fun or mess with people. It made my mind wrap around the family aspect of James and Albus, and James, Albus and Harry.
Please continue to write more of their relationship together, because you write it wonderfully and it makes your story sweeter, in a sense. It's my favorite part, and also the most enjoyable to read. I'm looking forward to seeing how you make the characters progress as the plot gets deeper, but I'm sure you'll write it just as well. you have Albus down well, from his confusion to his confrontation with someone bigger. So very nice job with that, as well as the rest of the story!
Author's Response: Oh wow, thank you so much for this amazingly detailed review! I'm glad you think I was successful in adding my own spin to the Epilogue. I probably enjoyed writing the interaction between Albus and James as much as you enjoyed reading it. It is a refreshing dynamic that we don't really get to see in the series. Harry and Hermione have no siblings and Ron has a ton of them, but here we get to see what happens with just one older sibling, which is something a lot of readers can probably relate to. Writing these scenes came naturally to me, because I can identify with both James and Albus -- I'm an older sibling, but I find I'm more similar to Albus. I agree that it is quite unlikely Harry's children would know nothing about his past. It was my interpretation when I read the Epilogue that the reason the children didn't know why everyone was staring was that they had no knowledge about the Second Wizarding War. While I found that doubtful, I thought that was JKR's intention, so of course I had to stick with it in my story. I even did my best to make it as plausible as possible. You might have noticed me mention that Albus isn't allowed to have Chocolate Frogs at home. While Albus (and probably a lot of readers) think Ginny is just concerned about his nutrition, she actually wants to make sure he doesn't get a Wizard card with his father on it. However, I really like your interpretation of the situation. It never occurred to me that the children might know about their parents' pasts, but just not fully comprehend how important they really were. This seems like a much more believable scenario and still fits with what we see in the Epilogue. Moving on, that's great that you thought Harry's answer to Albus about the Cloak was "a perfect response." I had actually thought of that exchange quite early in the writing of this story and tucked it away until I got to this chapter. Ok, now you're making me feel guilty. You're giving me such nice compliments about my writing, and now I have to tell you that my next chapter is the last one...and I don't believe James is in it. There will be some interaction between Albus and Harry, but sadly no James. In fact, I'm a little disappointed myself in the abruptness of my story. I wrote this for a college class and therefore had a deadline I had to meet, forcing me to make the story come to an end before my time was up. I've considered making an expanded version of this story (and I probably should), but I don't know when, or if, I'll get around to it. (Although reviews like yours make it more likely that I will take on such an endeavor.) Again, thank you for this spectacular review!
Author's Response: Oh wow, thank you so much for this amazingly detailed review! I'm glad you think I was successful in adding my own spin to the Epilogue. I probably enjoyed writing the interaction between Albus and James as much as you enjoyed reading it. It is a refreshing dynamic that we don't really get to see in the series. Harry and Hermione have no siblings and Ron has a ton of them, but here we get to see what happens with just one older sibling, which is something a lot of readers can probably relate to. Writing these scenes came naturally to me, because I can identify with both James and Albus -- I'm an older sibling, but I find I'm more similar to Albus.
I agree that it is quite unlikely Harry's children would know nothing about his past. It was my interpretation when I read the Epilogue that the reason the children didn't know why everyone was staring was that they had no knowledge about the Second Wizarding War. While I found that doubtful, I thought that was JKR's intention, so of course I had to stick with it in my story. I even did my best to make it as plausible as possible. You might have noticed me mention that Albus isn't allowed to have Chocolate Frogs at home. While Albus (and probably a lot of readers) think Ginny is just concerned about his nutrition, she actually wants to make sure he doesn't get a Wizard card with his father on it. However, I really like your interpretation of the situation. It never occurred to me that the children might know about their parents' pasts, but just not fully comprehend how important they really were. This seems like a much more believable scenario and still fits with what we see in the Epilogue.
Moving on, that's great that you thought Harry's answer to Albus about the Cloak was "a perfect response." I had actually thought of that exchange quite early in the writing of this story and tucked it away until I got to this chapter.
Ok, now you're making me feel guilty. You're giving me such nice compliments about my writing, and now I have to tell you that my next chapter is the last one...and I don't believe James is in it. There will be some interaction between Albus and Harry, but sadly no James. In fact, I'm a little disappointed myself in the abruptness of my story. I wrote this for a college class and therefore had a deadline I had to meet, forcing me to make the story come to an end before my time was up. I've considered making an expanded version of this story (and I probably should), but I don't know when, or if, I'll get around to it. (Although reviews like yours make it more likely that I will take on such an endeavor.)
Again, thank you for this spectacular review!
Firstly, I liked how you started the story. How you described the opening scene was vivid and clear with just a few words. The whole story was written very well although there were minor mishaps (nitpicks actually):
He shook he head, moving about, collecting the half empty bottles filled with chartreuse liquid commonly associated with Goblin Scotch.
It should be "he shook his head."
The characters stayed mostly in character. Mostly because at the first scenes, I noticed Mr Watson speaking in a French accent. Then as the story progressed, this was discontinued, although I do suspect that the accent was the effect of the drunken state he was in. I'm not really sure. Besides that, it seemed weird that his first name was never mentioned though it wasn't really that important. I liked how he was characterized though, through the birth of his son and through Nick's letter. He really showed his faithfulness to his wife when it was mentioned that his wife had already still-born babies. How awful. In the beginning, it didn't really show how Mr Watson played a great role in the early years of the Friar's life. I thought the Friar acted upon his responsibility as the help of the people. It was only until Mr Watson was mentioned in Nick's letter that I knew.
The Friar stayed consistent throughout the story and I commend you for that. His kindness was always there and he didn't contradict any of what he thought or said. He also had a personality; he's not just a religious man that preached in every road, he has his preferences (as shown in his dislike to the Smiths and the overload of yellow decors). My favorite scene of his is the part where he treads around the snow:
He was walking slowly, noticing the effects his presence had on the snow. It was crunched under his weight, melted slightly from his natural body-heat, and reshaped by the form of his feet. The snow before him was untouched and he felt slightly stricken by the idea of tainting such a dazzling beauty.
I thought that this was a beautiful paragraph. It's very simple yet heart warming.
The plot was all in all, organized, although I wish you stated the time each scene was written. The plot didn't really flow well altogether since the birth of Benedick didn't connect to Nick's notice of his death. I also didn't know the time this letter was written until the last part because Benedick's age jump confused me. The story was short, but it was good. A few more scenes would have been better because I felt that it was too short.
I loved Nick and Friar's friendship. I especially loved how the Friar kept his promise without a second thought despite it went against his religious morals. I just wish that there were more scenes that would have aptly depicted the Friar's deep relationship with Nick because I don't think that the Friar would have stayed as a ghost in eternity for just anyone.
Good story, and I hope you keep writing more! Good luck! :-)
Author's Response: G'day, thank you for the review, I'm glad you enjoyed the story. Unfortunately the story had been for a drabble compitition so I couldn't add to much more without going over word limit in each scene. I also had two prompts I had to use. Also, I figured in the time period, they didn't really use first names. Sorry for the confusion with the jumping of timelines and I did find it funny that you say Mr Watson's drunken slurs as a French accent. I'll have to take note and make sure the slurs are more accurate to drunks. Thank you again. ...xXxBlack-SandxXx...
What a great read. I think this is actually my first time venturing into the Mystery genre, and Iâm glad I did. Iâve never really been a fan of crime fics, but I think youâve halfway converted me. Your apt and flow-y writing was certainly absorbing; the descriptions (like the surroundings of the farms and the way Knowe Place looked like) was very clear and concise. Iâm glad that it didnât take me more than one try to picture the place. It usually takes me three times to picture it perfectly, whether or not there are enough substance to go by. In this story, there definitely was a lot of substance. It wasnât overly descriptive, something that I get annoyed at because when something is described too much, it typically goes off to other topics.
I have to say, your writing is extremely mesmerizing. I loved how each scene flowed perfectly to the next, no awkwardness or abruptness. There wasnât any slamming of doors to the face. More like a gentle opening of a window. Like I said, the writing is mesmerizing. It made me fully absorbed to Hannahâs dilemma and made the time go faster. I was intimidated by the length at first, but that quickly went to the back of my mind.
Besides adoring your writing, I think I adore the way you wrote Hannah the most. Her gentle, yet adamant nature is like a water break for me. Iâve grown tired of the demanding natures of Gryffindors and the slick, threatening temperament of Slytherins. Ravenclaws are as underestimated as Hufflepuff but not quite so. Yes, I think Hufflepuff will be my favourite now. I love how Hannah can be fully seen as a Hufflepuff here, especially in how she truly believes that her House is the best of all. Her sense of pride and determination is contagious; it affected me to the point that it made me want to do all my homeworks due this week. But really, Hannah is a great character here. My favourite scene is where she realizes she can use Gabeâs infatuation of her to find out about her motherâs freelance writings to Witch Weekly. In my opinion, itâs quite an underhanded tactic, and I can almost say itâs rather a Slytherin thing to do.
Besides Hannah, I loved every other character involved in the story. Auror Webb was such an understanding man, and in the part where he draws the line between sympathy and professionalism was a great way to describe his fatherly sympathies to Hannah. I guess he could imagine losing his wife, then later on as he advises Hannah not to delve in the matter any further, he can imagine losing a daughter as well. It was an unexpected, heart-warming scene as I thought that the Auror incharge would be insensitive, because thatâs normally how the cops go in the movieâŠ
And of course, how could I forgot Hannahâs father? It seems as if Hannah got her traits more from her father from what I can infer. I mean, heâs a pureblood (assuming he is because Uncle Peter called his wife a Mudblood) who married a Muggle-born. There goes the loyalty. Then thereâs the strong hold he kept of Hannah as if not to fall down during the funeral. There goes the phrase âunafraid of toil.â That just reminded me how Hannah kept a strong face when she realized she got lost in Knockturn Alley. Most of all, I loved how her father expressed his feelings as a father of a daughter. He recognizes the fact that Hannah will get swept away by some bloke and sheâll be taken away from him.
The plot was very intriguing. I think the plot was the crown in this story; the sequencing drove the whole thing to a climatic pace, and itâs sad to see that I wonât know the end of it till you write a sequel. The minor characters concerning Hannahâs motherâs death were fascinating touches to the plot, and you delivered their actions well. I can infer their motives from there and maybe, just maybe, my predictions would be right. I hope to see a sequel to this because I truly enjoyed reading this!
Thanks for the long and detailed review. Iâll try to do it justice.
Iâve always seen the Potter books as mystery/adventure stories. From who is trying to steal the Philosopherâs Stone to where did Voldemort hide the Horcruxes, they are primarily puzzle stories. I believe thatâs why blokes (like me) enjoy them.
I set a lot of my stories in northern England and southern Scotland because I know the area well and that helps my descriptions. Using real places (and often twisting them) is useful. I try to achieve a sense of place and itâs nice to be told Iâve succeeded. My one-shots vary in length from 1500 words to almost 10000. This is one of the longer ones. I did consider splitting this into three chapters (in a way, I did) but it was written for a challenge deadline so it had to be submitted as a one-shot.
I sometimes think that the House labels are restricting. In one of my other stories Luna tells Ron âYou want become an Auror. Why? Are you doing it because you are brave, or cunning, or clever, or simply hard-working? Itâs easy to add the House-label afterwards.â
All of my stories take place at points along the same future timeline, I mention that because of Aloysius J Webb (who is regarded by some of his colleagues as over-sensitive). I have several original characters who reappear in my stories, Al Webb is one of them (he gets a chapter of âTales of the Battleâ to himself â as does Hannah).
Hannahâs dad sprang from the hills where I put the family. The minute I decided to put them in the Pennine hills then the hardworking Hufflepuff became a hill farmer. Up at dawn, in bed at dusk, taking care of his beasts.
Al Webbâs summary of events is remarkably accurate and there are a few bits in this story which tie in to one of my others. The sequel to this is being planned, and it will almost certainy be a Hannah/Neville story.
If youâre interested Hannah appears in âFred and Georgeâs Busy Dayâ, âTales of the Battleâ and âMistletoe Kissesâ. If youâre interested in reading about a Slytherin original character then Iâd be interested to hear what you think about âSummer of â97, which is set on the eastern side if these same hills.
Paige, I am honestly very excited about this story. I’m a big fan of your writing and even more so of your Scorpius/Rose stories, but to see that you’re writing a Lily-centric story is exciting me too much. I remember reading it in a drabble for SPEW, and I remembered you mentioning that it would soon take center stage as a chaptered story. I waited for it. Now it came! Hurrah!
Firstly, I absolutely loved your characterization of Lily. In the number of next-gen fics I’ve read, authors mostly portrayed her as this spoiled rich girl who gets everything she wants because she’s Lily Potter. But in here, she’s this normal girl who wants to have an adventure and be as courageous as those she admires. I think that Lily picking pink clothes was actually daring though – most of the redheads I know really do stray away from pink since it clashes with their hair.
I also loved the idea of Lily becoming a model. I didn’t expect it at all, even when I read the first drabble about it, but it just made me exhilarated for her. I mean, how cool is that? And having Witch Weekly’s Most Eligible Bachelor as your boss? Can I say yum? But anyway, I think it suits her well. When you wrote her, she had this air of invincibility, and the determination was just there. It went so great with willful mind, and it made absolute sense that she would dive right in. But she didn’t dive in immediately; it took her three months to decide. I liked how despite being a Gryffindor, she wasn’t the stereotypical foolhardy one that goes head first into things that *should* take time to think about. It showed that she’s a well-raised daughter, thinking of her family first before herself. But as soon as she thought of Rose and striving to be as courageous as her, she went for it.
And now that she has, what’s going to come next? I’m so excited for the next chapter – what will Harry say? Will her modeling career go as far as worldwide? Who is she going to be paired up with? Honestly, I raised an eyebrow at Blaise’s blush. I had this thought that maybe you would pair her up with him. . . I know, I know, but it happens. Although I somehow have pegged you for someone not big into huge age-gap relationships, so I didn’t worry. I wonder if Blaise would have a story here, too? Or perhaps a one-shot of his perspective?
This was a great read. Thank you! Good luck! :-)
Hi Dinny! I'm so thrilled you're reading the story and you love Lily being a normal girl who wants to special in her own right and not just as the daughter of Harry Potter. I'd planned to make this a two part story, but now it's going to be a three part prequel to Lily Go Lightly, which will be a one shot even if it ends up 10, 000 words long (I'm trying to write more original fiction so I made a vow not to write any more chapter stories--this one is just a three part one shot, lol).
It's too early to say if she'll get paired up with anybody in the sequel. There might just be a triangle of sorts with Lily's crush on Blaise (He didn't blush. He was disconcerted, because he actually was offering her the job without an interview, heh) and her friendship that might become more with Lorcan Scamander.
Thank you so much for reading. I'm off to tweak ch 1's author note and submit ch 2 ;).
I thought that the story was very sweet and honest. I can’t help but notice how neat the writing is. Everything was in perfect order, in a sequence that isn’t confusing to the reader.
What I like most in your story was how you built it up. It started with a place that they eventually came at the end for different reasons. They came to the Shell Cottage, a place where they could get a “chance to express that love.” It’s just so… honest. I love how you somehow described their lust for each other as the next step for their relationship. I find it really sweet that the basis for the relationship of Ron and Hermione was founded on innocence. That it wasn’t lust, or appearance that came first; it was the person itself. I absolutely loved that. I think you portrayed their romance really well. You didn’t exaggerate or underestimate their chemistry – you made it seem factual. Like it was just the way it is. That it was always like that, and will always be. I’m a sucker for those kinds of stories.
Another thing I found interesting – the story wasn’t filled with as much fluff as I thought it would be. Actually, there wasn’t much fluff until Fleur began talking about true love. I thought that maybe it was a bit naïve of her to think that, but I don’t really have a basis for that. I just felt that a grown woman who is only in her first year of marriage saying that was, yeah, naïve. But her circumstances are different from the real world, so I could understand. You did explain it that Fleur, who had Veela blood in her body, would find it hard to find someone whom she could her entire life with when it was the youth of her beauty that kept most of the men’s attention. I loved that you plugged that in the story. Two women who cannot be more different had insecurities that brought them together. Hermione thought she was not beautiful while Fleur had thought no one would love her for the person that she was. You addressed each of their insecurities excellently, and countered it with a scene that bonded them together. The whole scene was lovely.
There is one thing that bothered me though. Charlie Weasley saying that he would pursue her, were it not for Ron? I don’t know about that. I mean, I get it that maybe he’s just all words, and he would never actually pursue Hermione, but it’s still a bit wrong. He’s not only going to go after the woman that his own brother loved, but he’s also seven years her senior. Maybe in the Wizarding World, it was acceptable since inbreeding was sort of was (but that was in different times), but I still highly doubt it because even our modern community is skittish with big age gaps.
But besides that, the story was a pleasure to read. Ron is my favourite character in the Potterverse, and you did him justice here. I can still see his temper flaring up (like in that part where Percy had interrupted), but his softness and gentleness towards Hermione was so adorable, and so very much like him. You mentioned that there were still squabbles going between them, but that was how it was and it wouldn’t change how much they love each other. I feel like I’m the one here inserting the fluff. Anyway, it was a very lovely story and I hope you keep writing more. :-)
Author's Response: Thanks for such a thoughtful review! I really appreciate it. I see what you mean about the Charlie thing, but I meant it more as brothers joking around and teasing their little brother. Charlie was just basically saying, "Hey, little Hermione has grown up to be quite a babe! When is Ron going to realize he's crazy about her?" As Fleur said, he wouldn't have actually done anything about it. Thanks again for reading and sharing your wonderful feedback!
Wow, I wonder whatâs up with today because it seems as though Iâm having a laugh at every fic I come across. This was really funny, especially the scenes at the end.
Harry and Ron here were great. I loved how you wrote their friendship. Theyâre admiration of each other wasnât as awkward as I thought it would be. When someone says to a person who have lost his whole family to a war that they want their life, it would just go downhill from there. But not with Ron and Harryâ”no, they understood each other. It wasnât meant to be sour, just curiosity. And really, it was so them to go into a crazy idea that they didnât think much of. They just dived in, head first. I also liked how they both admired each other in the hard work they do. It was sweet of Harry to realize how much it cost Ron to help the joke shop. It was heartbreaking when you wrote George. I loved how you didnât write much of it. You kept it simple and elegant. I believe in âless is more,â and you got that down great. I really liked where Ron also admired Hermione through seeing how the other girls act. I thought it was fantastic of you to incorporate Hermione into the scene. It showed how much Ron values her, and how deep sheâs in his life.
How very ingenious (and cruel) of you to put Ron into a very awkward situation, especially one that he most definitely did not want to know. I was already laughing full out when he thought Harry and Ginnyâs relationship was confined to holding hands and heated snogs. How awful to know that it went way beyond that. Dreadful, but hilarious. It was so very Ron to assume the most innocent of things when it comes to his sister, and Iâm glad you put that in. He did make it clear to Harry back in Sixth Year that heâll be watching them, but to see that he still holds that up in their 20âs? It has âtactfulâ Ron stamped into it.
I also liked your characterization of Hermione. When she described the boys as hopeless, I imagined her talking in a fond tone one would usually reserve for children. A bit condescending, but I think it comes with being a know-it-all and flaunting it. Ginnyâs reaction was brilliant. That is all I have to say about it. It was a perfect reaction to her character.
All in all, I loved how you wrote their relationships to each other. It was honest and simple. I enjoyed reading it, so thanks for writing it! :-)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review, it was so lovely to read! I've only just started writing fan fiction, so it's really great to get such amazing encouragement. I'm really glad you enjoyed it, I enjoyed writing it immensely!
Gosh, this was funny.
Albus is still vague for me after reading the chapter. Iâm not quite sure what to think of him. I didnât like how his first interaction in the story ended up with him being a prejudice kid. His quip about the annoyed girl disturbed me. I donât remember how it was being eleven, but are we really that heavily influenced by the environment that weâd already use stereotypes? That just reminded me of Draco. . . case closed then. I assume that Albus acted like that because of the lack of Slytherin appreciation in his home, which I found a bit sad because Iâd think that his parents would grow out of that. I just found Albusâs remark to be a bit stingy. Anyway, I hope to see more of his character in the later chapters. It is only the first one, after all.
To be honest, I canât really say much about any other character due to the lack of their presence coloring the chapter. It was mostly about the Sorting. Not to say it was bad, you wrote it nicely. I especially loved the part where Scorpius repeatedly bashed the hat back on his head. He was actually afraid he got into Gryffindor! I was surprised as well; I mean, how can a Gryffindor be born into a family completely full of Slytherins? It seems highly unlikely, but not impossible. Iâm interested in what youâll characterize Scorpius as, and how youâll justify him as a Gryffindor.
I think you should add more thoughts of Albusâs parents/family. When he thought over his surprise on a Malfoy being sorted into Gryffindor, it was the best place to put in a âwait till I tell Uncle Ron about this!â or something of the like. I was also disappointed in Scorpius as Rowan earlier described an incident wherein she was called a Mudblood by âblond haired git.â Youâre setting up lots of situation which I would love to read your explanation in.
I laughed all the way. I enjoyed reading this, and I hope you continue to write! I hope the plot twist comes up in the next chapters. Good luck! :-)
Author's Response: I am so glad that you noticed all of these things! Okay, I think that the most important things you pointed out were Albus and Scorpius's prejudices. At first I seriously considered whether I wanted to do that, but then I thought, "Hey, why don't I do this and have this happen?" This will reappear in the story, so read on. Also, you said that you thought that Albus's parents would have grown out of their anti-Slytherin mode? Well, Harry and Ginny have, but I think that growing up with tales of Voldemort an the Death Eaters, Albus might have a few grudges--I mean, Albus grew up in a completely different way than his father did, and he also has a certain Ronald Weasley as an uncle :P It is unusual for Slytherin family's to produce a Gryffindor, but look at Sirius Black! Scorpius's character will be similar to that of Sirius in later installments, I think. Rowan Greenhill (the annoyed girl) is a highly interesting character to me. I can't decide whether I like her or not yet myself, but I do have plans for her and Albus's rivalry. Finally, you said that you didn't get a lot of character insight. I will work on that. :) Thank you for your comments! :) Glad you enjoyed it.
Firstly, Iâd like to congratulate you on writing an AU fic. I donât have the brain power and the determination to write an AU fic, so Iâm quite jealous/happy for authors that do.
This is actually one of the few times Iâve read canon ships, Harry and Ginny most especially, so it was nice to read on the familiarity of their dynamics. Your first scene was ace. I loved how Ron and Hermione acted awkward, despite enjoying what they were doing, but I found it a bit weird how Hermione didnât have anything to say at allâŠ in the whole chapter. I think that if Hermione was to be teased, sheâd be indignant and spluttering quietly, not just sitting there and saying nothing. Ron was adorable though. You got him pretty good with how he spoke to his friends and family. He was funny, especially on the part where heâd justify himself to the twins, but end up humiliatingly defeated.
Harry was great. The way you wrote him in the first scenes was resigned, quiet, shy but outspoken. But as the story went, I felt like he was becoming less in character. He had this confidence which I can understand came from finally defeating Voldemort, but he grew a bit distant as the story goes. I think itâs because there wasnât much of his thoughts in the story. The details were more into literally saying what was happening instead of describing it, and I think thatâs the area you should improve more in. I actually got that from another beta who commented the same thing to my story, and I thought it was important for you to know that thereâs more you can do to make it better. Not that Iâm saying youâre no good, because you are a pretty good writer. There are just things to improve on and I hope you donât take it personally. :-)
I liked how you portrayed Ginny as this energetic, friendly girl who seemed like she knew there was more to what she was doing than what others thought. Or maybe thatâs just me, since that was what I suspected in how she acted with Harry. Theyâre downright bosom buddies, arenât they? And I think you wrote their relationship very well. Theyâre very friendly, almost borderline flirty, but thatâs because they were teasing Ron. Ha, that was funny, that part. What I found a bit weird though was the fact that you didnât explain how Harry and Ginny ended up living together. I mean, thatâs definitely suspicious. They have a history, and it just seemed unlikely. . . unless, of course, you can explain that in the later chapters. :D
Molly was fantastic. She was still the doting, loving mother, and I loved it. I actually missed her as I read the story. I also missed Fred. Insert sigh here. Iâm doing cruel things to myself, reading AU fics. One other thing: maybe try to be a bit more British? There were many Americanisms here like saying âyepâ and âjeez.â
On the whole, youâve got a promising story, but thereâs still the plot left to be seen. Much like a thesis statement, Iâm still waiting on it. Am I right to assume that this first chapter was more like an introduction? And that the twist will come very soon? I hope so! I enjoyed reading this, and I really hope you continue writing till everyone can read the end of it! Good luck! :-)
Author's Response: Thank you soo much for the lovely review! Thanks for the advice, I will try and focus on describing things more. It's just in school my teachers tell me off for describing things in too much detail, I'm yet to find a happy medium! It's funny that you mentioned the exessive american terms because I'm actually from England, I guess I've just been reading too many American fanfics recently :) Love Megan x
Hey Gina, Iâll try not to gush and write a coherent review.
At first, I was really discouraged by the first person. I guess Iâm not really into biasness, but I can live with it. Iâve read tons of other first person stories, so I really donât know why I still donât like it at first glance. You made me forget it though. I forgot all about how it was written in first person and how I disliked it a lot. You made love a lot of things in the story, too.
Your Lily has got to be one of my favorites. Thereâs a number of Marauder-era fics that have a Lily that come quite close to being a Hermione. But yours just have a distinct one. Your Lily is this ambitious person, confident in almost every aspect, and perfectly imperfect. The very first thing I loved about Lily was when she mentioned her extreme dislike of Herbology. I think itâs because this is the first time Iâve read anything of Lily like that. I remembered something of Hermione though, when she mentioned the reasoned why. I fully agree that Lily would be the type that liked organized, clean-cut things, and that Herbology, being understandably messy and at times, unpredictable, would come up high on her No List.
I loved her kindness. It was written in perfect order and moderation. You didnât give write too much of it in one scene, or less in another. I think her kindness to James was something important in the story because it really gave off her thoughts about him. There was something to it that actually said about her reactions to him. Like in one scene where she was surprised she was actually learning something new about James, then in another when she spit out the dirigible plum in suspicion. I hope you get what Iâm saying, because I canât explain it any better than what I just said.
James, oh James. You wrote him perfectly, you did. He was so sweetâ”actually the whole story was so sweet I thought I was going to get another tummy ache. I loved his impromptu compliments and how it came so easily into the story. It flowed really well with everything. When there were parts that Lily doesnât seem to know what to do, the awkwardness was even sweeter. James was so. . . youthful. Heâd make the funniest things out of nothing and justâŠ he felt so alive. Real. Another thing, I loved how he liked Herbology. I mean, Iâm so used (and tired) to reading about his Transfiguration and Quidditch skills, and usually, those were the main points of the story. Itâs just very different, your story. I like different.
On the whole, the story is just oozing out sweetness. It isnât really fluffy, just sweet. Yeah, Iâve probably said the word sweet more times than my own name in this story, but thatâs what really endeared me to it. What I liked best though, was how their growing affection for each other was both subtle and painfully obvious. You really wrote this carefully and neatly, and with a growing climax fed in small doses. Lily and James worked so well together here that Iâm rather convinced theyâre perfect for each other. Sadly, that conviction is temporary and will soon be eliminated with angsty fics that come up in my mind in the boring realm of insomnia.
I left it out for last: the story is hilarious. Itâs genuinely comedic, and I loved it. As always, great job, Gina. Itâs always a wonderful pleasure to read and review your stories. Keep on writing! :-)
Author's Response: SQUEE! Thank you so much for the lovely review, Dinny! I'm glad you enjoyed the story. It was fun to write. I don't even know how it came to me, although I had to do some research into Herbology, that's for sure. I'm glad you liked that and James liking it/Lily disliking it worked. Oh, and I understand about first person, sometimes it can be annoying, lol. Sweet but not fluffy, hee hee. And funny - yay! I'm glad you found it funny, because it is a light-hearted Halloween fic after all. Thank you again for the review, it made my day! ~Gina :)
It's Harry's first Halloween, but the raging thunderstorm prevents an overly eager Lily from taking him out to trick-or-treat. Instead, she, James, and Sirius spend one of their last carefree moments together.
cut out my heart and leave it out in the snow, would you? Very sweet and a wonderful insight to the everyday Potter household. My jealousy in your writing grows.
Author's Response: Dinny dear <3 Thank you for stopping by! I'm happy you enjoyed this little snippet into the Potters' lives. And speaking of envy, my jealousy of your eye-candy artwork has soared. I'm going to request a banner soon from you if that's okay? xx Ariana
Wow, Alex. This story is absolutely gorgeous and rivetingâ”completely unique and pleasantly so. It wasnât till after I read the whole thing that I realized it was in the first person. I didnât even flinch! Amazing feat; I usually complain about it, but then finish it.
When it was first mentioned that Vivien was an abused girlfriend, I had this huge frown that sagged my whole face. Not that Iâm not into stories that involve sensitive topics, but because this just brings back the fact that these things actually do happen to young girls and it upsets me. If it were any other author, I would have less faith that this would be treated carefully, but thankfully, not only do you tread most carefully into these kinds of things, but Iâm also a fan of your writing.
Vivien is an amazing character. I really liked how she has two fathers (it wasnât till later that I put the pieces togetherâ”then I remembered a thread you set up back at the forums for Vivien), and she acted as if it was the most natural thing in the world. There werenât any quips concerning her parentsâ sexuality and the opinions of the people have of it. It truly magnified a trait of Vivienâs that comes full circle at the end: strength. She didnât care if it wasnât needed to. Itâs such a rare thing to see to be so utterly confident, even in books. But then, she later describes that it was because of the lack of self-confidence that she becomes a victim of abuse. It was perplexing, to say the least.
Then suddenly, a wild card appears and brings on something outside of her. Augustus is adorable. Heâs a quiet boy with a strong, determined personality. I loved his silent battle to win over Vivien, and how he is both simplistic and still pack a barrel of emotions out of Vivien with short words. I also loved that despite his family background (his motherâs extremely bad habit of cheating), he believed the best of their relationship. It was very nicely done, how Vivien realizes her feelings for him and what it made her do. It seems as though Augustusâs pure love for her made up for a good, clean conscience.
I was really worried that Vivien wouldnât come out of the bad relationships, and I felt equally frustrated as she was when she said she didnât want to be one of those women that get stuck into a vicious cycle. I had my fingers mentally crossed (my hands were busy feeding me food) that she would find the strength to just dump the jerk and move on, preferably out of the abusive boyfriends category. I donât know if she is physically beautiful or not, but the way you wrote it, it seemed as if she werenât at all, and because of that knowledge, she was abused by it. A bloke found out she wouldnât complain when he hit her, so he nets her with empty incentives.
However, when Augustus quietly coaxes her step by step out of the net, she finds she can actually get out of it. She did it with a bang. I loved their dynamics. I love how Augustus was completely calm and controlled and that was what Vivien needed. I love how Vivien was this strong, affectionate girl, faithful to her feelings and that was what Augustus needed. Another thing I wanted to add was Vivienâs voice. I really liked the tone of the whole storyâ”it was entirely her and no other.
Something of a back thought, but I liked how you characterized Russell. I wasnât sure if he was lying or not when he said he wouldnât be like Darren and would never hit Vivien again. He was dancing between insane and bipolar. I honestly donât know what to make of him, only that heâs a first class sadistic jerk. But I thought you explained him well enough that it really doesnât leave any holes in plot.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story, Alex. It was a great read. But I thought you were a literature major, not a psychology one? Anyway, I know youâll be writing more, so good luck, and thanks for sharing this story! :-)
Author's Response: Dinny thank you so much for your lovely review! I'm so pleased you enjoyed this story-in spite of it being in the first person :p I don't really understand people's aversion to the first person- I know it can be very self-centred/ badly done but that's the same for all stories- however I'm pleased you enjoyed Viv's narration :)
I'm so pleased you found Viv interesting. I think her--well not relative, but the Viv she's named after is a more interesting, but very different, character. That'll be the person you remember me setting up an OC thread for- though she changed quite alot between setting up that thread and me writing her story :) She is confident in her family, and the love her fathers have for her, but not as a person in her own right, if that makes sense. And she felt she needed a boyfriend to be validated in that way- does that make sense?
Hehe Augustus is rather adorable. His namesake is far less appealing, I assure you, if you ever wish to read my earlier stories--I'm glad you thought he had an impact on Viv with actually only a few conversations. His mother is a very nasty piece of work, though she does improve--
I think Viv is quite pretty-but she doesn't think she is, and this matters to her more than she likes to let on. And this is what first Darren and then Russell rely upon in some way--I'm pleased this was very much Viv's voice and no others- I try to wwork hard on making my first person narrators sound very different :) Russell--well, I didn't give him much thought, other than he's not a very nice guy who thinks its okay to have a rather possessive/ angry attitude to his girlfriend. And first class sadistic jerk about covers it.
I'm so pleased you enjoyed this story, and left such a lovely review for it! And, ha, I often think English Lit is mostly psychology but without the science, lol. Thanks again :) Alex
Hi, I like the romance that you set up with Minerva since she is a character that is not much associated with anything concerning romance in the books, although Rowling proceeds to fix this through her Potter website. I thought at first, it was in the perspective of Rita Skeeter, but it was only after the third paragraph that I realized it was in Benjyâs perspective. I thought you had good command over the descriptions of the setting, but the first paragraph is usually supposed to be the one that persuades the reader to continue reading further; your first paragraph did it but with half the effort. Iâm sure that you could provide more insight into the situation Benjy was in. You sort of breezed through something that should have taken a bit more explanation. After all, youâre introducing the reader to the story. With Benjy, you seem to know what heâs exactly like, and I like the confidence you wrote this withâ”I saw it through your characterization of him. He seemed like a busy man who thought himself deserving of his dreams, comfortable where the limits of his dignities lay.
There was a typo in the sentence in the first paragraph: âSome reptile had given its life in exchange for a degusting design. Rita gave them all her plastered smile before she took a seat by the editor.â I assume that it should have been âdisgustingâ instead.
As with the circumstance of perspectives, I was also confused with the sudden change of who was referred to when âherâ was used. I was expecting that it was Rita since she was the last the woman who was referred to (the previous paragraph, in fact), but then you wrote it was Minerva. A good thing to do before putting in another character to a scene is to introduce them first without confusing the reader. But besides that, there was this sort of tension in the air when he first came over to Minerva. I loved it. I really like how I knew there was something hanging over their heads. I just knew there was something very important happening. I thought you wrote the suspense pretty well with just the right amount of words to tell me that.
My favorite line was: âHeâd ask her today.â I felt excited when I read this, although it left me completely baffled as to what. Perhaps a brief explanation of Minerva and Benjyâs relationship would have given me a clue. I partly liked the suspense that it created, but again, I was confused and it sort of threw off the vibe. I had to guess what their relationship was through their interactionâ”which I also liked, but there really was too much guessing involved. I like how familiar Benjy is with Minerva that he is able to predict her reactions. I also liked how you voiced Minerva here. I could totally imagine her saying âPeople learn to love each other.â I can imagine her tone, the meaning behind it. Itâs as if it wasnât her first choice, but she wouldnât let it get away from her either. I think she believes that she wonât get anything else so she might as well settle for it, and it is sad, but she finally accepted it.
When Minerva hit Benjy, I thought it odd how his first reaction was to say he deserved that, but the second Minerva realizes she hit him, Benjy is suddenly shocked by her hit and staggers. It doesnât make sense that he recognizes the damage done to his face immediately, and then makes a reaction that should have happened right after he got hit instead.
At the end, Benjy realizes that he needs to be there with Minerva because theyâve been friends for forever, but itâs also sad that he is already resigned to the fact that they would never be good as a couple anyway, let alone a married couple. I loved the plot, but the breezy interactions and inadequate explanations did not make the story as good as it should have been. Iâm sure that there are areas that would that would improve easily, but donât be discouraged! All talents need to be nurtured, and you have that talent.