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Redwing [Contact]
12/24/09






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Reviews by Redwing


Out Of Reach by CanisMajor

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 13 Reviews
Summary: His mum's a witch and his dad's a wizard, but Phoenix isn't going to Hogwarts.
His parents have other plans, and they know their rights much better than
Vernon Dursley ever did. It all makes perfect sense to them -- but not to
their unhappy eleven-year-old son. The magical education authorities might
have an opinion, too, if anyone were asking them. Or is it just that no-one
is listening?
Reviewer: Redwing Signed
Date: 10/21/12 Title: Chapter 2: Evanesco

The Dread Gazebo! An excellent reference with which to start the chapter.
I'm becoming very curious about what his parents' problem is with Hogwarts. I hope he manages to get to school.

Author's Response: Glad to see someone noticed the Dread Gazebo in there. Now I'm just wondering whether anyone will get the Tom Brown reference. Thanks for reading!



Reviewer: Redwing Signed
Date: 11/07/12 Title: Chapter 4: Revelio

Dumbledore! Dumbledore! I hope it's Dumbledore!

Author's Response: It's great to have an enthusiastic reader! As to who the Special Admissions Officer is, you'll find out soon.



The Liberation of Narcissa Malfoy by BonNuitBel

Rated: Professors • 3 Reviews
Summary: If Lucius had not been pardoned for his crimes after the Second War, would Narcissa survive?
Reviewer: Redwing Signed
Date: 11/18/12 Title: Chapter 1: The Liberation of Narcissa Malfoy

I think this is really great. It *sounds* like Narcissa - you really captured her. My only nitpick is near the end where you used "it's" instead of "its" (should be: "who even knows if it will survive if it caught its father's condition"), and I was surprised that Narcissa would ever mention Muggle characters, or deign to have read the books they come from. Other than those, great fic!



Sing Me To Sleep by TheHarryPotterNerd

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 8 Reviews
Summary: Today is Lily's last day. Everyone she knows will soon be gone. Menkes had finally won, and she had lost.
Reviewer: Redwing Signed
Date: 11/17/12 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

I felt like there was very little context in this story.
As a few editing points -
1.) Harry can't have apparated directly to Hogwarts. No one can apparate onto the grounds.
2.) You had a lot of repetitive words. "Slowly" - everyone did things slowly. "Tears" - there was a lot about painful tears, and violent tears, and choked back tears. There was also one section of the story about halfway through where you mentioned in different variations that it was Lily's last day so many times that I felt like I was being bludgeoned over the head with it.
I would like to be sad, because I feel like this is a sad fic, and I know that you've spent time and effort on it, but I just didn't feel attached to the characters as you wrote them, and I had so little context. I don't even know how old Lily is.
I will admit that I don't know about Menkes Disease, and I had to look it up, but the symptoms that I read don't seem consistent with what I read here. Yes, the hair, and the weak bones - but not developmental delays, seizures, etc. One page I read said the children rarely live past age 3.
Anyhow. I promise I didn't come here just to tear down your story. I sincerely hope that you can use my feedback for editing purposes and growth in your writing. Cheers!



Of Misfits and Fighters by huff-slyn-dor-claw

Rated: 6th-7th Years • 9 Reviews
Summary: AU. The Wizarding World according to blood purity rather than house. This story follows the life of a muggle-born genius, a mess-haired half-blood, a ginger blood traitor, and a struggling pureblood. In a world where they are pariahs, they are looking for a place to call home. And so begins a quest to find change within the systems of government and more importantly to find somewhere, anywhere, to belong.
Reviewer: Redwing Signed
Date: 12/09/12 Title: Chapter 1: Little Magic Ability

It's an interesting concept, but you have a good number of typos and mistakes, starting in the first sentence (out instead of or, "collaborate with it" instead of "corroborate it"). I recommend reading more closely over what you've written, or maybe getting a second pair of eyes. However, like I said, I do think you have a good concept. I will definitely look out for the next update!

Author's Response: Darn! I thought I took care of the typos, I guess I missed a few! Thanks for the review and thanks for reading!



Test Flight by William Brennan

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 12 Reviews
Summary: The year is 2018. Despite budget problems, NASA and ESA have spent billions on the design and construction of a new spacecraft, entirely in secret. Why? It employs a form of propulsion that could make all others completely obsolete, a form of propulsion as secret as the project itself: Apparition. Hermione Weasley and Cho Chang have been chosen for the test flight, and the first artificially enhanced Apparition is about to be attempted.
Reviewer: Redwing Signed
Date: 12/14/12 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

I love how different this is, but I have very little idea what's going on so far! I can comment some on structural points, though...
1.) Try not to use parentheses. Parenthetical notes are for asides - since you're the author, nothing you're saying as part of the narrative is really an aside. You should be able to structure it without the use of parentheses, which aren't generally considered acceptable form for narratives.
2.) Wouldn't Hermione and Cho be better informed? I can't imagine Hermione or a Ravenclaw going into anything without learning as much about it as they could.
3.) You switch perspectives somewhat disorientingly between Hermione and Cho more than once.

I look forward to seeing where you take this!



Stay by Gmariam

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 7 Reviews
Summary: Based on a popular holiday song, in which James and Lily find themselves thrown together when a winter storm outside forces Lily to stay a bit later than she expected after a holiday party at the Potter's house.
Happy Holidays, MNFF!
Reviewer: Redwing Signed
Date: 12/25/12 Title: Chapter 1: It's Cold Outside

Argh, this was adorable! Your prose flows so well, your characterization was just right, and the humor was perfect. Merry Christmas!



Waltz of Treachery by iLuna17

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 3 Reviews
Summary: In one dance, everything Helga thought she knew comes crashing down around her. She should have known all things come to an end, especially in matters concerning a heartless toerag by the name of Salazar Slytherin.
Reviewer: Redwing Signed
Date: 02/08/13 Title: Chapter 1: one-shot

Hmmm. I really like your dialogue. There are a few things I noticed, though. I saw some miswords: "ignorable" instead of perhaps something like "unavoidable" at the beginning, and "alluded" instead of deluded at the end, for example. I also felt that the pacing at the start was awkward, with a lot of sudden description interrupting the narrative flow and tone, while still neglecting to adequately portray the setting. Overall, however, I felt it was a solid effort. It was interesting to see Helga as the youngest of the founders, as so many choose to paint her as the oldest. Definitely a nod to your dialogue, as I said, which was a major help to your character building.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I'll readily admit this wasn't my best work, and it was my first attempt at the Founders. I'll double check the wordings, though. :) Also, on Helga's age: I have honestly always put her as the youngest of the four, with Rowena being the oldest. I don't know what it is, it's just how I picture her. I felt the need for the description at the beginning, as otherwise I felt it would have been a big white space; no one knows exactly where this is taking place. Thank you so much for your review, though!

Ellie



Rumour Has It by Equinox Chick

Rated: Professors • 5 Reviews
Summary: It’s not that Pansy really wants to marry Draco Malfoy, more that she doesn’t want to see him settled with anyone. So when she discovers he’s getting married, she decides she has to break it up.

And the best way to do this is by rumour.

This is Equinox Chick writing for the Great Hall Cotillion Challenge.

Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling. The title for this story comes from an Adele song and is the inspiration for this tale.


Reviewer: Redwing Signed
Date: 02/09/13 Title: Chapter 1: Rumour Has It

Interesting with a touch of hilarity. Very well-written. Do you have anything from this time period from either Draco or Astoria's point of view?

Author's Response: YES! hahahahah - this is kind of a prequel to 'Until Death (Eaters) Do Us Part' which starts from the wedding. However that was written around two years ago, and Pansy isn't mentioned, so it might be a disappointment. Thank you very much for the review and I am so glad you enjoyed the story. :) ~Carole~



The Falcon and the Peacock by Equinox Chick

Rated: 6th-7th Years • 30 Reviews Past Featured Story
Summary: The year is 1543, and the heir to the Malfoy estate, Lucius, encounters the young Lady Elizabeth Tudor in the grounds of Hatfield House. It is a meeting, he later discovers, of his mother's engineering, for it is of the utmost importance that he strikes up a friendship with the King's daughter. But the Lady Elizabeth has a powerful protector in her governess, and only the highest political machinations can overcome the will of Kat Champernowne.

In the ensuing Tudor power struggle, no one factored love into the equation, least of all Elizabeth.

Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling, but I think you know that by now.

This is Equinox Chick with her fourth entry for The Great Hall Cotillion.


Reviewer: Redwing Signed
Date: 02/27/13 Title: Chapter 4: Chapter 4 - Prisons

Man, I don't want to start rooting for Elizabeth and Lucius, because it can't work out. Or... maybe it can work out? Maybe Elizabeth never marries because she's carrying on a secret affair with Lucius, but can't marry him in the open? At the very least, I hope she gets to learn magic... Great story so far.

Author's Response: Mwahahahahah - well, the last chapter is up now, so you shall see whether it works out, secretly, or not. As far as magic goes, well she never got to Hogwarts, sadly. Apologies if this is too short, but I was writing for a challenge and it had to be under 15K. Perhaps I'll write a follow up :) Thanks again for your reviews ~Carole~



Reviewer: Redwing Signed
Date: 02/28/13 Title: Chapter 5: Chapter 5 - Love

AHHHHH! What a perfect twist! Much love for the idea that a Malfoy was the unwitting forefather of the Weasley line, and that Elizabeth's magic lived on. And I'm glad that Lucius was a bit of a jerk at the end, so I didn't feel as bad about him and Elizabeth not ending up together.

Author's Response: He was a jerk! ha ha - yeah. I couldn't have them marrying, although that could have explained why Elizabeth never did marry, I suppose. I always had their last scene in my mind from when I first thought of the idea, so everything was always heading for that point.

I'm not sure who'd be more upset, present day Lucius or Arthur realising that they're related - heh heh heh.

Thank you so much for all your reviews. ~Carole~



The Soul Thief by hestiajones

Rated: Professors • 16 Reviews
Summary:

We consider each other, two shattered entities unexpectedly brought together, their homes within easy reach yet far removed. “Hello,” I say. The gesture is almost comical. I just greeted myself.

“How was it?” she asks. Her chest falls and rises visibly, rapidly. I stare at it. It’s my heart there, pounding.

My answer is a single, inadequate word.

*

This is hestiajones of Hufflepuff writing for the 2013 Great Hall Cotillion at the beta forums. My chosen pairing is Dominique Weasley/Maude Barthes (OC).

I'd like to thank Jess for gently nudging me to write for this challenge, Croll for her never-ending support, and the SBBCers for their valuable input in the discussions. This plot bunny wouldn't have been possible without some of the debates and theories we've been focussing on in February. Thanks also to Pooja for being the most helpful doctor-in-making, and for being my mosquito-swatting soulmate.


Reviewer: Redwing Signed
Date: 02/24/13 Title: Chapter 7: Epilogue

Wow! What an awesome story. I was so disoriented at parts, and yet it was okay, because it seemed right int he context. You did an amazing job with this. I wonder if Mags's future children will be witches or wizards?

Author's Response: Thank you so much! :) Hmm now that's a thought! There's some magic left inside her due to the curse, so there could be witches/wizards in the future from her bloodline. ~ Natalie



Trade Mistakes by Verita Serum

Rated: 6th-7th Years • 32 Reviews
Summary: On the night of her oldest brother's wedding, Lily Luna Potter is nursing a bruised heart. When she is charmed by the strange, handsome Scorpius Malfoy, she makes a mistake that will change her life..


Reviewer: Redwing Signed
Date: 06/26/16 Title: Chapter 7: Accident

SCORPIUS! WHAT HAPPENED?! Man, well written. I'm nearly as nervous about his condition as Lily is, and I sure hope that she's having a major realization right now - first that she has job options, and second that she really, really cares about Scorpius!

Author's Response: Lily definitely has a lot to think about. Hopefully the server migration doesn't take much longer and I can update. Thank you for your thoughts again, hope to see more in the future. :)



Reviewer: Redwing Signed
Date: 05/26/16 Title: Chapter 5: Vulnerable

This is such a fantastic story. Your prose is beautiful, your characterization is rich, and the pace is perfect. I care about Lily, I'm a bit disgusted by Frank, and I'm completely charmed by Scorpius. He reminds me a lot of a guy I went to college with - smart, insightful, not what you expect, courteous, but with something in his past that holds him just a bit aloof. I really like the growing friendship here, and I hope that Lily is able to trust him and find her own self-worth at the same time. Very eagerly looking forward to the next chapter(s).

Author's Response: Thank you very much for your kind review. I am glad you are enjoying the pacing, as it is something I am usually fretting over. I hope you continue to enjoy the story, and if only we all could go to college with Scorpius Malfoy. :)



The Adventures of Wisteria Wolfe by atrueblue

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • 1 Reviews
Summary: Magic, Adventure, Secrets and Danger all await a young witch named Wisteria Wolfe at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Reviewer: Redwing Signed
Date: 11/13/13 Title: Chapter 1: The Long Awaited Acceptance Letter

A great start! I love the characterization, the careful use of setting, and the details you included. I'll definitely keep an eye out for updates!



In Good Faith by Flourish and Blott

Rated: 3rd-5th Years • 24 Reviews
Summary: Rose and Scorpius have overcome much family disapproval to be together. But when the unexpected happens, how much family history will surface between them? Will they be able to create a hopeful future in spite of the grim past?
Reviewer: Redwing Signed
Date: 12/09/13 Title: Chapter 4: Chapter 4

Hahaha. This chapter was hilarious. I'm loving the story!

Author's Response: Oh, I'm so glad! I hope you enjoy the rest!