The Dread Gazebo! An excellent reference with which to start the chapter.
I'm becoming very curious about what his parents' problem is with Hogwarts. I hope he manages to get to school.
Author's Response: Glad to see someone noticed the Dread Gazebo in there. Now I'm just wondering whether anyone will get the Tom Brown reference. Thanks for reading!
Dumbledore! Dumbledore! I hope it's Dumbledore!
Author's Response: It's great to have an enthusiastic reader! As to who the Special Admissions Officer is, you'll find out soon.
I think this is really great. It *sounds* like Narcissa - you really captured her. My only nitpick is near the end where you used "it's" instead of "its" (should be: "who even knows if it will survive if it caught its father's condition"), and I was surprised that Narcissa would ever mention Muggle characters, or deign to have read the books they come from. Other than those, great fic!
I felt like there was very little context in this story.
As a few editing points -
1.) Harry can't have apparated directly to Hogwarts. No one can apparate onto the grounds.
2.) You had a lot of repetitive words. "Slowly" - everyone did things slowly. "Tears" - there was a lot about painful tears, and violent tears, and choked back tears. There was also one section of the story about halfway through where you mentioned in different variations that it was Lily's last day so many times that I felt like I was being bludgeoned over the head with it.
I would like to be sad, because I feel like this is a sad fic, and I know that you've spent time and effort on it, but I just didn't feel attached to the characters as you wrote them, and I had so little context. I don't even know how old Lily is.
I will admit that I don't know about Menkes Disease, and I had to look it up, but the symptoms that I read don't seem consistent with what I read here. Yes, the hair, and the weak bones - but not developmental delays, seizures, etc. One page I read said the children rarely live past age 3.
Anyhow. I promise I didn't come here just to tear down your story. I sincerely hope that you can use my feedback for editing purposes and growth in your writing. Cheers!
It's an interesting concept, but you have a good number of typos and mistakes, starting in the first sentence (out instead of or, "collaborate with it" instead of "corroborate it"). I recommend reading more closely over what you've written, or maybe getting a second pair of eyes. However, like I said, I do think you have a good concept. I will definitely look out for the next update!
Author's Response: Darn! I thought I took care of the typos, I guess I missed a few! Thanks for the review and thanks for reading!
I love how different this is, but I have very little idea what's going on so far! I can comment some on structural points, though...
1.) Try not to use parentheses. Parenthetical notes are for asides - since you're the author, nothing you're saying as part of the narrative is really an aside. You should be able to structure it without the use of parentheses, which aren't generally considered acceptable form for narratives.
2.) Wouldn't Hermione and Cho be better informed? I can't imagine Hermione or a Ravenclaw going into anything without learning as much about it as they could.
3.) You switch perspectives somewhat disorientingly between Hermione and Cho more than once.
I look forward to seeing where you take this!
Argh, this was adorable! Your prose flows so well, your characterization was just right, and the humor was perfect. Merry Christmas!
Hmmm. I really like your dialogue. There are a few things I noticed, though. I saw some miswords: "ignorable" instead of perhaps something like "unavoidable" at the beginning, and "alluded" instead of deluded at the end, for example. I also felt that the pacing at the start was awkward, with a lot of sudden description interrupting the narrative flow and tone, while still neglecting to adequately portray the setting. Overall, however, I felt it was a solid effort. It was interesting to see Helga as the youngest of the founders, as so many choose to paint her as the oldest. Definitely a nod to your dialogue, as I said, which was a major help to your character building.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I'll readily admit this wasn't my best work, and it was my first attempt at the Founders. I'll double check the wordings, though. :) Also, on Helga's age: I have honestly always put her as the youngest of the four, with Rowena being the oldest. I don't know what it is, it's just how I picture her. I felt the need for the description at the beginning, as otherwise I felt it would have been a big white space; no one knows exactly where this is taking place. Thank you so much for your review, though!
Interesting with a touch of hilarity. Very well-written. Do you have anything from this time period from either Draco or Astoria's point of view?
Author's Response: YES! hahahahah - this is kind of a prequel to 'Until Death (Eaters) Do Us Part' which starts from the wedding. However that was written around two years ago, and Pansy isn't mentioned, so it might be a disappointment. Thank you very much for the review and I am so glad you enjoyed the story. :) ~Carole~
Man, I don't want to start rooting for Elizabeth and Lucius, because it can't work out. Or... maybe it can work out? Maybe Elizabeth never marries because she's carrying on a secret affair with Lucius, but can't marry him in the open? At the very least, I hope she gets to learn magic... Great story so far.
Author's Response: Mwahahahahah - well, the last chapter is up now, so you shall see whether it works out, secretly, or not. As far as magic goes, well she never got to Hogwarts, sadly. Apologies if this is too short, but I was writing for a challenge and it had to be under 15K. Perhaps I'll write a follow up :) Thanks again for your reviews ~Carole~
AHHHHH! What a perfect twist! Much love for the idea that a Malfoy was the unwitting forefather of the Weasley line, and that Elizabeth's magic lived on. And I'm glad that Lucius was a bit of a jerk at the end, so I didn't feel as bad about him and Elizabeth not ending up together.
Author's Response: He was a jerk! ha ha - yeah. I couldn't have them marrying, although that could have explained why Elizabeth never did marry, I suppose. I always had their last scene in my mind from when I first thought of the idea, so everything was always heading for that point.
I'm not sure who'd be more upset, present day Lucius or Arthur realising that they're related - heh heh heh.
Thank you so much for all your reviews. ~Carole~
We consider each other, two shattered entities unexpectedly brought together, their homes within easy reach yet far removed. “Hello,” I say. The gesture is almost comical. I just greeted myself.
“How was it?” she asks. Her chest falls and rises visibly, rapidly. I stare at it. It’s my heart there, pounding.
My answer is a single, inadequate word.
I'd like to thank Jess for gently nudging me to write for this challenge, Croll for her never-ending support, and the SBBCers for their valuable input in the discussions. This plot bunny wouldn't have been possible without some of the debates and theories we've been focussing on in February. Thanks also to Pooja for being the most helpful doctor-in-making, and for being my mosquito-swatting soulmate.
Wow! What an awesome story. I was so disoriented at parts, and yet it was okay, because it seemed right int he context. You did an amazing job with this. I wonder if Mags's future children will be witches or wizards?
Author's Response: Thank you so much! :) Hmm now that's a thought! There's some magic left inside her due to the curse, so there could be witches/wizards in the future from her bloodline. ~ Natalie
SCORPIUS! WHAT HAPPENED?! Man, well written. I'm nearly as nervous about his condition as Lily is, and I sure hope that she's having a major realization right now - first that she has job options, and second that she really, really cares about Scorpius!
Author's Response: Lily definitely has a lot to think about. Hopefully the server migration doesn't take much longer and I can update. Thank you for your thoughts again, hope to see more in the future. :)
This is such a fantastic story. Your prose is beautiful, your characterization is rich, and the pace is perfect. I care about Lily, I'm a bit disgusted by Frank, and I'm completely charmed by Scorpius. He reminds me a lot of a guy I went to college with - smart, insightful, not what you expect, courteous, but with something in his past that holds him just a bit aloof. I really like the growing friendship here, and I hope that Lily is able to trust him and find her own self-worth at the same time. Very eagerly looking forward to the next chapter(s).
Author's Response: Thank you very much for your kind review. I am glad you are enjoying the pacing, as it is something I am usually fretting over. I hope you continue to enjoy the story, and if only we all could go to college with Scorpius Malfoy. :)
A great start! I love the characterization, the careful use of setting, and the details you included. I'll definitely keep an eye out for updates!
Hahaha. This chapter was hilarious. I'm loving the story!
Author's Response: Oh, I'm so glad! I hope you enjoy the rest!
Ohhhh. Oh no. I ran out of chapters! And it's so good! I hope you're still working on this? Really fantastic story.