- between the ages of 0 and 21.
- an American
- a girl
- married to Teddy Lupin
- afraid of commas
I am not:
- JK Rowling
- tired of Harry Potter
- a moose (or any other forest animal)
- divorcing any time soon
Check out my stories - if you dare :).
He cannot bring himself to think the name. There is a glimpse of red. A laugh. A fumbled apology. A friendship.
How a death may change a life or two.
Winner of Best Non-Canon Romance in the Quick Silver Quill Awards 2010
This one-shot is absolutely *beautiful*. Your way with words makes this piece seem almost rhythmic, in a poetic sense. In fact, this story almost did remind me of a poem, because it was so filled with emotion. I have never read a fic before that displayed that much feeling so deeply. Every emotion rang true; your expression of grief was heartbreakingly accurate. Reading through this story with your descriptive language and thorough emotions almost made me feel as though *I* was Harry. It made the entire piece feel all the more real.
I liked how it only took a few short paragraphs to morph the relationship of Harry and Hermione. Your characterization is brilliant...usually in Harmony fics one or more of the characters are really OOC. I loved that Harry and Hermione's grief and need for closeness brought them together--how their relationship *needed* to strengthen in order for them to not feel so empty.
Beautiful job on this, it is really a piece of art. :]
Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for a lovely review! I really did want to write this as a sincere portrayal of what it would be like for Harry and Hermione to lose Ron. I felt as if they would retreat from the outside world into this very dark cocoon that only contained each other. I'm so glad that you thought I portrayed this well. I agree with you about a lot of Harry.Hermione fics seeming out of character. I really believe that the pairing can be written believably and keeping the two of them in character is possible. You just need to have them in the right situation and head-space. Again, thanks so much for the review. It's made my day :)
I like the idea behind this story; the premise of George getting another chance to speak with his twin is intriguing. There are just a couple things that might need fixing, though.
First off, both Harry and George's grief seems a little off. Neither of them seem to be in the moment of the sadness, if that makes sense. They seem to have progressed further along the stages of grief than there's been time for. Plus, it's not just Fred's death that they're both mourning--Remus, Tonks, Collin Creevey, and many others have died. I rather think the survivors would be numb, unable to feel or really *believe* that this has happened.
Another thing was the time: in the first chapter, it seems as though this is takes place the same day that the Battle did. But in the second chapter (namely, when George is recalling his conversation with Percy), the timing seems off. It doesn't seem as though George and Percy could converse that...unemotionally, right after Fred's death. Emotions are mentioned, of course, but the words the characters speak are a little too analytical.
I also think this should have an AU warning, because Harry *lost* the Stone. He realized that only he alone was capable and humble enough to possess the three Hallows, and he knows what a danger the Stone can be if one is not prepared for it. I really, really don't think he would give George this chance, *especially* right after Fred died. George needs time to cope, and seeing his dead brother reappear is not going to help him get through anything. It's a bit OOC for Harry to give away the secret of the Stone, even if he somehow knew where it was.
Author's Response: Hi lucca4, thanks I'm glad you liked the story. I'm also glad you caught some things I could fix. But I really wrote this because I thought there was something missing in the story so I filled it in with what I wanted to happen. And I really can't imagine the feeling of losing a loved one and I didn't want to put something really wishy-washy in there, so I tried to make it seem like the characters were in a sort of shock. Also, Fred and George are my all-time favorite characters and I really wanted to focus on them. Since the story was about them, I didn't want to get off topic by talking about other characters. But thanks again for your thoughts, I always welcome other readers' opinions.
After reading the first few lines, I was amazed at how descriptive you were! Your imagery is beautiful; I can almost see the characters and the scenes as I read along. I think the way you describe Victoire's looks is outstanding (I love your use of the word "smattering").
Some things are a bit far-fetched, such as all their spells being so foolproof that no Death Eater could EVER get through. While many people are in the D.A, there are probably hundreds of people who have now joined the ranks of the Death Eaters now that Voldemort triumphed. Protective spells can't stop entire armies. And Neville seems to be able to travel out of the house perfectly fine to go get a newspaper. Also, Hermione supposedly gave her Time-Turner to McGonagall physically, and whilst at Hogwarts, so there isn't really a reason for Victoire to find the Time-Turner at the Weasleys' home. And how did Victoire manage to get her own wand, when England was being rampaged by Voldemort (plus, after twenty years, I doubt England is the only country he's influenced)? Perhaps if her wand was a hand-me-down, it would be more believable. I know this is an AU fic, though, so some inconsistencies are all right. Just try not to make them seem too convenient for the characters.
Fleur's accent, though you said her English had improved, was a bit over-done. Substituting the "th" for "z" and removing the "h" at the BEGINNING of words only would have been sufficient. I also find it odd that although Fleur says "Good night" to her son, he responds in French. It would flow better, I think, if they both responded in the same language.
It is sometimes hard to believe the characters are in hiding, apart from what they mention verbally. As I mentioned before, Victoire has her own wand, and Neville ventures out of the house just to get a newspaper (and it seems as though he does this a lot). Victoire seems greatly affected by the war, because she can't attend Hogwarts with Teddy, but why would that even be a priority for her? I'm sure she would have some resentment for that, but I believe she would be more focused on helping out the D.A, even if she isn't of age. In these types of situations, especially when Victoire has known no different, we'd expect the characters to be more focused on the outcome of their future than what could have been.
Good luck on your next chapter!
Author's Response: First of all ~ thanks SO much for your feedback, I really appreciate it. :) Yes, I reread it, and the newspaper thing seems to be kind of far-fetched to me, too. xD I think I put it in there so I could have Luna say that, lol. And, yupp, Fleur's speaking was probably the hardest part of the whole thing. I'm probably going to have to fix that. As for the wand -- I think it might make sense if they had a wandmaker in the D.A.? Hm, I'm not sure. I'm thinking about making it a hand-me-down, but, again, it's not quite set in stone. Victoire's resentment...I'm toying around with this, too. I think she's partly a stubborn teenager. She really feels confined where she is and wants to get out into the world. :) Again, thanks a lot! :)
Dinny Dinny Dinny!!!
This story is so, so interesting and creative, bringing Remus's lycanthropic hardships to a whole new level :) . I love the characterizations of him and Lily and their interaction, it was so REAL! The bad thing about the realness of the fic is that...it's *SAD* ! It hurts my heart to think of Remus so upset like that, and about what he did to his parents, inadvertently. I think you did an excellent job with the parents' reactions, by the way. I'm glad you didn't brush it off as "Oh, Remus, you killed my child, but it'll be all right because I love you..." because it really wouldn't be like that.
Great, stupendous, AMAZING job for your first fic :) I'm so proud of youuu!!
xx Ariana xx
Author's Response: Thank you so much, Ariana! I'm glad you approve of the characterization of Lily, Remus and his parents, that bit just has to be the hardest to write. I agree that to have been the mother of a murdered child, and also to have been the mother of the murderer, she would have lost control of her normal self. She'd play the victim and all that. I'm happy that the story touched you! Thank you, thank you, thank you so very much! :)
That was a really interesting concept--and very creative, too. I automatically assumed that no one except Harry and Dumbledore had seen the mirror when it was at Hogwarts, and I like how you showed its effect on Severus as well. At first, it seemed as though you were leading up to Snape finding a portrait of Lily, but I'm very glad you went in the Erised direction.
I have just a few nitpicks, though. I think you maintained Severus's character very well throughout the piece, but the line "'It…hurts so much,' he cried. 'How do I live knowing that she is gone?'" seems a little out of character to me. Even when we view Snape's memories in The Prince's Tale, he is rarely that open with his feelings. I don't think he would reveal so much of what he is feeling to Dumbledore.
I like how you had Snape ask the same question to Dumbledore that Harry asked in book 1, but I can't see him using the same words as Harry. Snape calling Dumbledore "sir" in this passage, though he may have done it before, doesn't seem right to me. Maybe it's because when Harry asked the question, he was asking in a tentative tone, and Snape using the same words implies he was also slightly anxious. I can't imagine Snape being afraid of Dumbledore--not when they're on the same side.
That being said, I love how Dumbledore answers the question truthfully, and I love your wording with his reply. But instead of saying "the old man wiped the water from his face," I think the use of the word "tears" would make the sentence flow better. It's a little confusing if "water" is used, because it implies that his face is wet through some outside force, and not tears. It also makes it less dramatic and tragic, because having a "wet face" isn't nearly as theatric as having a "tear-stained face" You did use the word "tears" in the few sentences before describing Dumbledore, though, so I can understand why you didn't want to put the word twice.
The ending of your story was sweet, with Severus finding out that Lily *did* care about him all that time--even carried a picture of him in her pocket when she died. That part was a little unbelievable to me, though. Lily seems very angry in The Prince's Tale after Snape calls her a Mudblood. At the time of her death, she was in the Order and fighting the very evil that Snape stood for. I can't imagine she'd feel nostalgic and carry a childhood picture of him around. It would be more understandable if the picture was found in the attic, amongst a bunch of old albums. It might not have the same effect, but it makes it more realistic and leaves the mention of Lily more in character.
Overall, this fic was very sweet. I don't usually like Snape/Lily fics, but this one was very nicely written. You added just the right amounts of tragedy and hope, creating a beautiful story.
Author's Response: I really appreciate your feedback, and most of what your critiques were very helpful. What i was trying to do with the childhood picture was a little too complex for myself, I think; I wanted to show that Lily did not care to remember Snape past that point, and that she wanted to remember what he was instead of what he became. I probably could have phrased it better, but thank you for your review all the same.
Firstly, I thought your characterization of Lily and the Marauders was wonderful! Too many L/J fics have an annoyingly egoistic James and a stickler-for-the-rules Lily, and I think you did a great job of avoiding that. I can definitely see James conflicted over keeping Lily as a friend or taking a risk and telling her that he's still mad about her.
A few things, though, seemed slightly off. James is frustrated in the beginning because of the obvious chemistry between them, and he feels that it's painful just to be near her. It felt strange to me that right after that, James casually put his arm around Lily and she put her arm around his waist--without him feeling any "pain." If it hurt him just to be close to her, I think it would be more likely for James to shy away from physical contact with Lily, in case she somehow realizes that he's still in love with her (and I think that was one of James's inner conflicts, him not wanting to tell Lily about his feelings in case she regresses into hating him again).
I also don't think it's likely that Lily still hated James in sixth year. I think it would take longer than four months for her to really warm up to him, seeing as how firmly she disliked him at the end of their fifth year. I imagine that after she and Snape lost their friendship, Lily would be more open to the Marauders' pranks (after all, she nearly quirks a smile in Snape's Worst Memory). I do like how you've made them friends before boyfriend/girlfriend, but I think it would have taken longer for Lily to choose to develop that kind of relationship with James, as she is a very stubborn girl!
Also, it was a bit confusing right after Lily and James woke up from falling asleep on the couch. She talks about how she doesn't *really* need to go home for Christmas, and then James says his mum would kill him if he didn't show--and it makes it seem as though their paths are not going to cross during the winter holidays. I think it would have made the plot clearer if the Potter Christmas Party was mentioned at this time, or even a bit earlier. Another confusing moment was the transition between James receiving his Head Boy letter to the end of the fall term...it was unclear at first that his reading the letter was a flashback.
A small nitpick: Alice and Frank were most likely *not* at Hogwarts during the Marauders' last year. Seeing as they were full-blown Aurors by the time of Voldemort's first fall, it's highly unlikely that they were in the same year as Lily and company.
Overall, though, I loved the easy banter between the characters, I thought it flowed very naturally. The kiss at the end was so sweet; it wasn't one of those passionate, make-out sessions that always seem to be the first kiss between Lily and James. This kiss was short and chaste, but you conveyed the emotions beautifully in that single moment. The last paragraph was my favorite part of the piece, hands-down. I'm a huge L/J fan, and I've read a great deal of this category, but that moment ranks in the top five Best L/J Love Scenes :). Good job!
Holy Movie Canon, Batman! This fic won the 2011 Quicksilver Quill Award for Best Chaptered Humor Story. Thanks so, so much!
I need to remind myself to nominate this for a humor QSQ next time those come around…
Wonderful job on this chapter! It totally made me laugh (even the fight between Hermione and Ron ^.^) .
Author's Response: Aw, what a nice thing to say, Ariana! :) Perhaps I will remind you... hehe, just kidding. I'm glad you like it--thanks so much for the review!
Wow! This story is SUPERAWESOMEFANTASTIC :). I think the "Babe Magnet" chapter is my favorite so far, just because of how awkward it is to watch that scene in the movie KNOWING how OOC that is for Harry. I love the idea of Ginny being jealous of that, and I thought your depiction of the twins teasing Harry was brilliantly done!
I was a little hesitant to read this, because it is so easy to write this kind of story the wrong way. However, I am SO very glad that I read this chapter because I am really loving this story. It's such a refreshing, creative plot and very well executed.
Are you going to include messed-up DH scenes, since the movie comes out in only days? :)
Update soon, please, if you can! This is such an enjoying read!
Author's Response: Hey Ariana! NIce to see you outside of class. ;) Yay, I'm so glad you like this. It's way off from what I usually write, so I feel a little nervous about it. It's fun to write something AU for a change though. I will definitely be writing DH scenes, though I confess I am disappointed. When I learned about the Hermione/Krum dance, I immediate got inspired and wrote a scene for this story where Ron finds out and has a bit of a tantrum. But then--GAH!--they cut the scene from the movie! So I've got a chapter written that now does not work. LOL. Ah well. I have a couple more from HBP first, then I will move on to DH. Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to leave a review, Ariana. I appreciate it. See you at Hogwarts!
They were four of the closest friends that the Wizarding World had ever seen, but one of them was hiding a horrible secret.
This is the story of their journey to discover that secret.
This is the story of the aftermath of their discovery.
This is the story of their beginning, their youth, and their everlasting friendship.
Okay, this review keeps getting cut short, so let's see if I can make this work....
Becca, I LOVED this story! You chose the perfect Marauder moments that exemplify their friendship :). The ending is absolutely amazing, it made me smile (especially that last line, great job with that!). Originally, I thought this story was going to be a little more somber, ending with Peter's eventual betrayal, but I like the way you ended it better--with the Golden years of the Marauders instead of the darker times.
Absolutely amazing job, Becca!
Author's Response: Oh, thank you so much, Ariana! I'm so glad you liked it =) Originally, I figured that it was maybe too long for one chapter and that it would just be too confusing or something like that, or aggravating to read. I'm really glad you think that I chose the perfect moments to write about! I couldn't really see myself writing about Peter's betrayal, at least in this particular story. It seemed like it would be better if it focused on the friendship as opposed to the end of the friendship, the Golden Years, as you called them. Thank you so, so much for reading and for the absolutely lovely review! Becca:D
All Teddy Lupin had ever wanted was to be the kind of man his godfather was. He even followed in Harry's footsteps and became an Auror.
Harry wanted nothing more than to be the father that Teddy would never have, but work and obligations always seemed to get in the way. Before he knew it, Teddy was all grown up. How had he missed all those precious moments? He knew he had to make up for it somehow.
After all, they had all the time in the world, right?
This fic WON a 2011 Quicksilver Quill Award: Best Post-Hogwarts Story
What?! Harry was supposed to die! I prepared myself this entire story, after reading the "Character Death" tag, and Harry doesn't even die?
This story was so, so sad, but amazingly sweet. It sort of reminds me of this one song about this father who works all the time and doesn't have any time for his kid and then the kid wants to become just like him and when he grows up he has no time for his father (I'm paraphrasing ^.^). I forget what it's called, though. Anyways, back to the actual story--I liked it a lot. I love Harry and Teddy's relationship, and how Harry never felt like he was enough. I think you characterized that part well, because although Teddy may have been over at the Potters' four times a week, Harry might not have been spending "quality" time with him there.
The ending completely surprised me, as I think I mentioned in the beginning. I have never wanted Harry to die as much as I did then, which is saying a *lot*. You managed to make Teddy a wonderful, lovable character. Harry phrases it perfectly when he comments on how alike Teddy is to Remus.
This *was* going to be a SPEW review for next month (nothing like getting ahead...or planning to, anyways) but I don't really have any crit, and I don't want to submit a gushing review in case it gets nixed :)
Hi there. :D
It was my intention for badness to occur in this fic. From my Next-Gen POV, Teddy was always going to die like this. Do I think Harry's had enough loss in his life? Of course, but he's also one of those people who walks a line laced with destiny. His fate was always a cruel one, but in a way, his past helped him deal with this tragedy. Sure his mum took an AK for him, but he was a baby. He'd never had it happen when he should have been ready but let his guard down. It had never been his fault before. I think most people are scared to make Harry do wrong and stupid things, but it really is in his nature to do so.
I wanted Teddy to know that, even though he got lost in the jumble of life sometimes, Harry really did love him like a son. That relationship was always going to be there. Even with his dying breath, he never resented the missed Quidditch matches or asking for advice with girls or whatever. Harry wasn't great, but he was enough to help Teddy know how to be a man. Though we wish Harry had been amazing, it doesn't always turn out that way.
It's ironic that you mentioned that song (Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin), because it's exactly what inspired me to write this story. I was listening to it on my iPod on my way to work, and I was thinking about VoJP, as I had just got a review for it that morning. The reviewer off-hand mentioned Teddy, and it made me realise why I had previously chosen not to add Teddy to the story. Because he was dead.
Anyway, enough of my ramble. I'm glad you stopped in, even if I thwarted your play to get ahead of the game. It's much appreciated.
I’m always in awe of writers who are able to write poetry that fits so neatly into the world of Harry Potter. I can’t write poetry as it is, but I do enjoy reading it and I can easily spot which ones ‘work’ for me and which ones don’t. Yours definitely worked. It was powerful, and embedded one of the most important messages Rowling has tried to portray over the course of seven books. Wonderful job with this!
Throughout the poem, I liked the repetition of the ‘remorse’ stanzas, which showed different definitions of the word and sort of led into what the next stanza would be about. My absolute favorite lines from the poem is from one of these stanzas: “to feel deep shame/In the actions one has done/To realise one is actually to blame/To see what one has become”. Your tone in these stanzas changed from when you narrated the ways each of the five men felt remorse. It felt more official, more stoic, and I thought it was a good style on your part. It helped to break up the stanzas, yet leave the reader guessing who the next one would be about.
It was intriguing how your first remorseful man was Mad-Eye Moody. He isn’t one that would jump to mind at first (I thought of Peter first to be honest, as I read the poem’s summary) but the way you’ve written it gives fresh insight to his death. The responsibility he feels and the failure he is condemned to face once he is killed strikes home, and is nicely written. It’s different than what most people would expect, but I think the way you’ve portrayed it will work positively in that it makes readers think about his last moments. We only know, after all, the grief that the Weasleys and other Order members felt when they realized one of their own had fallen. It makes perfect sense after reading your poem that Mad-Eye would experience some sort of guilt as he died when he was supposed to be a protector.
The only nit-pick I have over this is that some of the rhymes seem a little forced, such as “child” and “wild” (the latter word is not how I’m sure Remus would describe his fears for his child), or “shirt” and “dirt.” They were a bit jarring, but nothing more. Some were imperfect, like “treachery” and “cleverly”, or “that” and “sapped.” I think if all the rhymes were imperfect, it wouldn’t make such a striking impact, but because most of the other words fit neatly together the lack of rhythm between the two makes them stick out. These didn’t really take away from the poem, but I felt as though they disrupted the flow a little bit as I was reading (and enjoying!) the poem.
Finally, I loved how you ended with the one man who would not show remorse. Your isolation of Voldemort, putting him at the end, really made him contrast to the other characters and how in the end they were prepared to feel the pain. It makes his cowardice even more overt, but it also makes readers feel for the characters who did choose to show remorse in that it was probably very painful for them but they chose to go through with it anyway. Voldemort, on the other hand, ignored his last chance for salvation because he realized what it would do to him, and that he would have to come to grips with the fact that he had murdered so many innocent people.
I’m glad you were the Featured Author and that I got to read this because of it! You are a talented poet, and your work is really worth reading.
Author's Response: Hi Ariana! I'm glad you liked it. I'm actually not a massive fan of poetry either -- I can easily pick out which ones work for me as well. Mostly, that would be poems that rhyme. Wow, I'm really chuffed you liked the remorse stanzas. They were the easiest to write, so perhaps that's why. I have no idea where this poem sprung from. Honest. It just... popped out of nowhere, LOL.
I actually intended my first remorseful man to be Harry and not Moody, but now you come to mention it, why not? I suppose Moody is more than applicable for the verse, especially because I said "he died along with the owl". So I'm glad you liked that. And I thought it was fitting, given how Hermione was saying that stuff about survivor's guilt and everything.
I know some of the rhymes are forced. It was really difficult getting everything to rhyme, to be honest, so I'm more relieved than anything that you didn't pick out every single rhyme. You're right -- it interrupted the flow a bit. I'll bear that in mind next time and if I have some time on my hands after exams, I'll definitely edit it.
And I'm very happy you liked the last verse. I hate Voldemort for not wanting to feel that remorse and that pain, even though the damage he had caused by ripping his soul apart was worse. I'm really glad you came by to visit, Ariana. As you know, I love your work, and I'm honoured you would give one of your SPreviEW-Award-winning reviews to me. Thanks for the wonderful review!
I thought this story was unique and very well done. My favorite stories in fanfiction are those that revolve around things that could have happened, but were not actually exhibited in the novels. I thought you did this brilliantly through, and you made Jimmy Peakes into a very believable, likeable character throughout the story.
The difficult part about writing minor characters in fanfiction is that part of their personality is undiscovered, and it is the writer’s responsibility to make the character both realistic and interesting. I think you did this wonderfully with Jimmy and Demelza, and also with the bit of Ritchie that we see. Jimmy is superb: not outgoing or overly shy, very sweet to Demelza, and he has a drive to please his father for reasons the reader does not comprehend until the end. I maybe would have liked to see Demelza’s character explored a little more, as the main feature we see of her is that she is shy and not much else. However, as a writer I know that it is difficult to portray characters (besides the main character) and their qualities without making it seem like “filler” writing. I was also wondering at her friendship with Ginny; though they are both on the Quidditch team, there hasn’t been much evidence of any relationship the two may have had. Ginny defends her in Half Blood Prince, but I think she would have defended anyone at that point from her brother’s unprovoked insults. It was such a main part of your story, though, that it didn’t really take away much. I thought the bit about Ritchie was hilarious; how he dealt out advice to Jimmy conspiratorially, as though he had so much experience in girls. As a minor character he was very well done.
What really made the story great for me is the little ‘twist’ at the end of Jimmy’s father being dead. As a reader, I was wondering if there was a reason behind Jimmy’s perseverance to become ‘unbeatable’ and live up to his father’s expectations — and if that reason would be explained. It was really surprising and rewarding to realize that that aspect was not going to be overlooked, and I think it gave the story extra depth to realize that Jimmy was doing this all for his father. The sequencing was a little confusing at first — usually memories or flashbacks are in italics — but again, this is a minor thing I noticed that did not take away from the story’s greatness.
I look forward to reading more stories by you in the future!
Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I'm sorry that you didn't get enough of Demelza. I didn't want to waste words, and I don't think Jimmy knew much more than what I said. As to Ginny, I think Ginny would hug anyone who was upset. Sorry about the flashbacks, too. I just finished "Death of a Salesman" and was going after that sort of style. Thanks again for your review!
Wow, I’m glad I clicked on this story. I thought the little snippets from different times in Andromeda’s life were done so well. I loved reading the story as her character evolved, though she was still recognizably a Black and the Andromeda from before. It was a really, really nice read and wonderful writing all around.
Your flawless characterization of Andromeda really stood out to me. I liked how she felt apart from the rest of the family, as middle children often do, and how she was neither ‘mother’s girl’ nor ‘father’s girl.’ I thought it was clever how you used her feeling of isolation to shape the person she was to become — one who could form her own opinions on things without being influenced by her mother or her father. I liked the parallel between how she wanted so desperately to be a Slytherin and fit in at the beginning, to the end where she wants nothing to do with her family anymore. I loved how you showed her growth, from an insecure girl at age eleven, to a confident woman in the end. Each age you showed her at was portrayed so accurately that as a reader I could really watch her grow. I thought this was perhaps one of the strongest points in the story. Your main character was characterized so fully, so three-dimensionally that it made her a joy to read about.
I thought your calling Narcissa ‘Mother’s girl’ and Bellatrix ‘Father’s girl’ really gave great insight to their characters. I thought they were wonderfully written, as well. You can tell Bellatrix’s fanaticism from the beginning, when she wants her sister to be absolutely perfect and be Sorted into Slytherin immediately. She’s intimidating, and has a power over people that is visible even at age fourteen. Narcissa is prim and perfect, perhaps not as fanatical as Bellatrix but upholding of her family’s beliefs all the same. I also thought it was interesting that, as the story progressed, you could tell that the girls were getting older and turning into the people they were to become by how their hair appeared. It was a really intriguing part of the story to add, and worked very well to show the coming-of-age of all the characters and what that entailed.
Just a minor nitpick: after Andromeda gets Sorted, she says “I think she just rude” , it probably should be “she’s just rude” or “she is just rude”. Just to let you know, but it didn’t take away from the rest of the story at all.
One part that I really, really loved was how when Andromeda met Ted for the first time in a long time, she could only think of him as a Mudblood, a dirty thing. I thought that was so realistic, because in so many stories we read Andromeda is simply born with the ideas that Muggleborns should be equal with half- and pure-blood witches and wizards. Your way is so much more intriguing, because it shows how her meeting Ted proved to her that her family’s ideals weren’t all correct. It was a good turning point in that it let Andromeda think for herself for once instead of being influenced by her family.
Your writing is lyrical and beautiful to read. I was hooked by the first sentence and how even though it was from the point of view of Andromeda at an early age, the simple writing was so gorgeous. You pulled off the present-tense usage wonderfully…I only realized it was actually present-tense about halfway through the story, and it amazed me because in many of the stories I’ve read it becomes awkward after a while. Yours definitely didn’t, in fact it added to the lovely natural rhythm that your words seem to have.
Really great job with this story! I don’t read much about Andromeda and the Black sisters, but I thought your story was so unique and wonderfully done.
Author's Response: What a sweet surprise to log on after so long and see such a nice review! I'm so glad that you clicked on the story, too! The most fun part about writing this, for me, was trying to explore Andromeda's voice at every point from a very little girl up to an (essentially) fully grown woman. I like Andromeda a lot because, unlike many of the other Potter characters, she seems (to me) to be an essentially ordinary person who has had to build up a lot of strength because of the life she was born into. She tries and fails and tries again and eventually realizes that maybe she has to kind of "forge her own path" - not because of any intrinsic rebellious feeling, but because it's really the only way. As you said, a lot of it is because of how she didn't really, as her sisters did, fit into either of the two pre-described roles that her family offered. It is so nice to hear that you thought the first person worked - I feel like I find it easier to do, even though I don't know that it always ends up making a better piece of writing. Anyways, thanks so much for reading and leaving such a kind review! It was a great motivator to get back to the writing which I've been meaning to do! -Claire
Hey there, classmate!
I saw your story up as I was checking to see if mine was validated, and I thought I'd read it and leave you your first review.
I think you've done a really wonderful job here. The light banter between the Marauders in the beginning made me smile, and overall I just loved how you portrayed the closeness of their friendship.
Your characterization was wonderful (it is evident you took the class, as I thought each of the Marauders plus Lily and Snape were spot-on), but the one that stood out the most for me was Lily. I love how she found out about Remus, and how at first she had very human doubts, but she worked past them to realize that he was still the same boy. She seems just as she was described in the books: bold, vivacious, and with an incredibly large heart.
Sirius's valentines were hilarious! I love the added bit of the Entrancing Enchantment. But perhaps my most favorite part of the entire story was the valentine Sirius sends to Lily. It literally made me smile to myself--*SO* in character for Sirius, and very very funny.
Great job with your final! I'm sure you'll do amazingly :)
Oops, my last review got cut short (: Anyways, I was saying that I absolutely adore this story! I love what you've done with Victoire and Teddy (and I especially looove your Teddy ^.^) .
Thank you so, so much, this was an absolutely wonderful Christmas present!
I think I might have mentioned this in your class drabble thread, but I love your Ginny. I think that in the books, she was one of those characters we only saw one side of, and I love how you are able to humanize her in your writing.
I thought you did a wonderful job showing that, even though Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Luna were not with Ginny, she still carried parts of them within her. What I forget so much when reading the Missing Moments stories is that the people left at Hogwarts really had no idea if Harry and the others were alive…they didn't know if what they were fighting for would soon turn into a lost cause. I thought you captured that wonderfully in this story :)
My favorite scene is definitely when Ginny's in the bathroom, talking to the glass Ginny. There is so much emotion packed into every sentence, it's almost tangible.
The tears came hard—choking sobs that shook her as they echoed around the stone walls. It felt foreign to her, and she wondered somewhere in the back of her mind if it was better to cry regularly like Hermione did rather than face this kind of monster when the pain would no longer be denied.
This line in particular, I think, does a wonderful job showing the more human side of Ginny…how even though she rarely shows emotion, such as when Harry broke it off with her, she still feels the pain.
Outstanding job with this! I loved reading it :).
Also, great job meeting the requirements of a Slytherin and a teacher…it didn't seem forced at all :).
Author's Response: Hasn't this been a fun class? I'm so into the trio all the time, which is why DH is my favorite book, without a doubt. But it has been so cool to think through the events that were going on at Hogwarts, and its made me really think a lot about Ginny in particular, because so little of her life is actually with her there, if that makes sense... her family, her boyfriend, her closest friend (well, maybe?). Anyway. It means a lot that you like "my Ginny." I find her extrememly complicated to write, but knew that I was going to really focus on her as much as possible if I decided to take this class. And it has been such a help. I don't see myself writing a lot about her, but I'm more comfortable now, should she come up. I've already reviewed your final story, so you know I thoroughly enjoyed it, and your drabbles as well. It was fun being in class together! Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and review, Ariana! ~Lori
Wow, this story was so intriguing! I love how fast-paced it moved, especially during the rescue scene. The beginning was lovely, too -- the easy banter between the D.A. members made me smile. I love Seamus's idea to spray paint. Great job with that!
I think probably the sweetest part of this was the "romance" (for lack of a better word) between Ellie and Stewart. Your two OCs were wonderfully done, and their relationship made them seem all the more innocent and worth protecting.
I also like what you did with Nott, taking a very mysterious Slytherin and turning him into someone who is neither likable nor dislikable. I admire him for not telling the Carrows about Seamus's paint, but I like that you've also made him snide and sneering, not someone who appears to be easy to get along with.
I really enjoyed this story! Great job :)
I am ron lover of Gryffindor and this is my final for the Missing Moments class on the MNFF Beta Boards.
Good job with this story, Alyssa! You did a really nice job with the prompt and putting your own spin on it :).
I liked your OCs, Robert and Lauren, a lot. The chemistry between them was well-done, and I liked reading their interactions. I thought it was interesting that they took the passageway from Hogwarts to Hogsmeade -- it was great to see this from a point of view other than Harry's.
There were many unanswered questions in this, such as what Lavender was thanking Lauren for, and if Lauren and Robert survive the Battle (I really hope they do!). Because this is being made into a chapter fic, it's especially good and I'm definitely curious for chapter two.
Author's Response: I am so happy that you lime Lauren and Robert! Their characterization came easily, but I wasn't sure how well they worked together. I'm trying to work on characters together. Here's a secret: I have no idea how I want it to end. So anything is possible! I find it fun to write like that. Anyway, thank you for reviewing!
I thought you did a really good job with James, your OC. I liked how he wasn't the stereotypical loyal Hufflepuff, and stood apart from those who knew for certain they wanted to fight. His fears and thoughts were very human, and universally relatable.
I really enjoyed how you included memories from his past (though I still want to know more about Andrew…if he's living or dead…but that's just my being overly-curious). It was a great way to give background to a character you only had so many words to describe.
What I thought was best about this piece (besides your characterization of James) was that you were able to take a short, not-too-major scene from Deathly Hallows, and turn it into a fully developed one-shot. It did a great job of giving a fresh perspective to a scene we've only seen through Harry's somewhat-distracted perspective.
Really good job with this!
My apologies…this will only be a semi-coherent review as I really should be asleep right now, but I was too curious to read my first Scugo fic :).
What always seems to stand out in your stories is the amazing characterization, and in this one-shot it was no different. I love the Lily in this story doesn't seem to have changed much from "High," but most especially I love your Hugo. He seemed so real, artfully created with the perfect mix of dry wit and uncertainty (though I liked that he wasn't uncertain about what he wanted, just the fact that he didn't know if he wanted to sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of everyone else who assumed him to be straight).
The flash-back was very well done; I liked how it soon turned from frivolous play to tension. I also liked how Scorpius was the take-charge one, quicker to give in to his desires without dwelling over the consequences. On a side note, for some reason I just loved the bit about Rose kissing her ex…it was a really unique way of characterizing her and I really love it--it makes her seem more like a teenage girl than she usually does in more cliché characterizations of her. I don't really know why that part was so enjoyable for me, but as a general comment I love the little details you add into the story, it just makes everything more believable and fun to read.
The entire flashback scene creates a wonderful backdrop for the future New Year's party. I enjoyed the set-up, with James being the leader and almost forcing Hugo to attend. Finally, perhaps my favorite part was the ending. I was so worried that Hugo would leave because he wasn't ready to pursue this type of relationship, and it made the surprise kiss just all the more better to read. I was smiling by Hugo's last line…this entire story was such an enjoyable read, and a great post-holiday pick-me-up.
Amazing job with this story, as per usual :).
Author's Response: *and now I feel guilty for begging people to review* Thank you very much for the review, Ariana and I'm glad you liked the story. Glad you liked the Rose bit; I don't like her being portrayed as a Hermione clone, so I wanted her to be a bit more Weasleyish. If you want to read more Scugo, try Natalie's 'At the Back of the Shack' - that was my inspiration. Oh and this isn;t compliant with High at all - ha ha. ~Carole~