Ooh, yet another Katie/Oliver. How did I ever miss these coming from the queue? /fail

I think what I like about this story the most is the ambiguity of it, about how we know they split but not why. It is just such a heartbreak when I did find out, and I wanted to un-do it for all of our sakes. Poor loves...I can't bear to see them so upset.

I'm assuming she said yes, and I hope they had a half dozen gorgeous children, because I want that for them.

Anywho, I shall cease rambling and hit up the next story. Until...fifteen minutes from now.

~Jess

I suppose I'm of two minds with this story. On one hand, there is your beautifully tragic story of a 'thing' that was stupid and ill-advised. They loved in a time when 'til death do us part' wasn't such an impossiblity, which added to its sadness.

And on the other, the lack of any traces of Lily sort of bothers me. I know this story isn't about her and Severus, but it's almost unreal to expect his next relationship to not be coloured by how his relationship with Lily had ended. I won't say I don't believe in Severus/Marlene, because I adore the melancholy of it all, but it seemed like it needed at least some mention of Lily.

That's really all the crit I have. It was a lovely story. Off I go!

~Jess

Hello there. :D

I'm Jess and the resident lurker. I just saw your story in the Most Recent list and decided, after reading your fantastic summary, that I just had to check it out.

I myself have delved into the realm of Next-Generation quite extensively, so it's interesting to see where others see our favourite characters ending up. Your Draco is case in point. 

I like his voice. The way you have structured and worded his thoughts was very well-done. Traditionally, Draco is a judgmental little jerk, and it's good to see that you didn't leave that out completely. The best example is when he first encounters the Dokes, his first thought was 'Mudbloods' and how much he really wished they wouldn't come too near him. Now, I don't think Draco would really feel this way still after all this time, but it wouild end up being more of  a reflex than anything. I thought that part was very well done.

Inversely, in that opening scene, there were a few things I wasn't too sure about. First off, you have Astoria meeting Draco as a first-year and a fifth-year respectively, but, canonically, Astoria is only two years Draco's junior. It's not a big deal or anything, but you may want to make a note of it in case other canon drum beaters (you know...like me :D ) bring it up. The second part of that very same paragraph is more of what I wanted to bring up. Draco held Astoria's hand and smiled at her. As far as I can tell, Draco at Hogwarts would have never, ever, ever, ever, ever done anything of the sort, especially if the person was younger that him and therefore of no use to him. I know it doesn't sound like much, but attention to this sort of detail is what sets apart a good fic from a great fic. The story you have set up has the makings of greatness, especially with the characters you've crafted in your summary alone. It would be awesome for this story to do well.

Another qualm that I had that isn't so minor is the overall narrative voice. There were times during the opening of the chapter that I truly had no idea whose head we were in. 'Head hopping', more affectionately known as Third Person Omniscient is generally considered a no-no, but in this story, it's actually fitting. The problem lies with clearly defining whose head you're in, who's thinking. Several paragraphs, no matter how many times I read them, I truly had no idea. The most glaring example was this: 

 Dokes smiled. Draco stopped, caught his breath and in a soft voice added, “However, I must warn you that Draco’s grandfather was a criminal who has paid his debt, as they say. Yet some will not easily forgive. If your son were to travel with my son, he might get painted with the same brush.”

I think this is Draco's narrative voice, but I'm not sure. I'm not saying that you should, by any means, go back and rip it all apart and re-write it, but perhaps, in the future, you might want to be wary of confusing the reader. 

I'm also a little bit put off by the use of substitutes for a person's name in writing. For instance, in the second to last paragraph, in reference to Professor Longbottom, he was termed as 'the man', 'the teacher', 'the professor', and 'Longbottom. This is somewhat of a device for us writers to employ in order to avoid repetitiveness, but instead of gaining the desired result, it just looks sort of sloppy. Using this method here and there is fine, but that many usages in one paragraph pushes on the extreme and is offputting to readers. It's like using terms like 'the Slytherin', 'the blonde', and 'Malfoy' instead of Draco. There are a good number of Malfoys, even more Slytherins, and definitely more blondes. It's just makes for better habits to refer to characters by their names. Getting creative to avoid rampant repetitiveness in other ways is a good challenge.

Another thing. In the beginning, Scorpius is wearing black silk robes, yet Draco had only two Galleons to send to school with his son. I know appearances have and always will matter to Draco, but that seems to be slightly on the realm of impractical. I know it's a matter of my own personal preference, but I don't see Draco's need to keep up appearances extending that far. If they were just plain black robes like everyone else's, the thought would have never occurred to me. 

Okay, so, by now, you're probably like, "Who is this person and what is she on about?" I'm just trying to impart some lessons that I had learnt the hard way by receiving some rather unsavory reviews and harsh comments on my work. They've shaped me into a much better writer, and I want to share that experience with everyone, but without the sting that such things can bring along with them. I'm an open book in that regard.

Now, after that bit of crit (rhyming not intentional), I would love to get back to the fun stuff--talking Malfoy!

I really like the way you've portrayed Scorpius. He doesn't seem as judgmental as Draco, which speaks volumes of how much Draco has tried to better himself as a human being and the amount of growing up that he had done before having a child. I also like that he sees his father as his source of everything important. Several times, he had brought up in his personal narrative something that Draco had told him to watch for, and he, the dutiful son, did so. It shows how, no matter how much Draco tried to stray from Lucius's example of fatherhood, that mark of respect for the father figure still remained in the Malfoy family. It really speaks of reality to me, which is something that these wizarding families that people portray in their fan fiction sometimes lack for me as a reader. 

Jimber is also a interesting character. He owns this open, bald honesty that is shocking to Scorpius, like when he was discussing how badly Hagrid's dog stank and about a similarly-smelling dog in his homeland. It's obvious that Jimber is proud of this memory, which leads me to believe that his upbringing is not unlike Scorpius's and that there might be a very good reason why the Dokes are no longer in their native country and are in London instead. I can't wait to find out.

I also am anxious to see more of your Rose. I always had her pegged as much more outspoken, but she seems more like a young Ginny to me--quiet but quick to defend her hero. I'm curious to see which direction you take with her.

All in all, you have a fantastic start to this story, and I will definitely be checking out any further updates you produce, plus possibly visiting your author page to check out your Luna stories. Thank you for reading this far, and have a lovely day!

~Jess

Ooh, I love love love this ever so much. I have to admit that I've had conversations with people who weren't actually there while drinking a bit too much. I so get now why the bartender was looking at her with concern...he thinks she's freaking crackers.

I like the realism and sheer possibility of this story, and while I still ship Draco/Katie in my heart, this odd, posthumous pairing is wonderful to contemplate.

Off I go now to read The Bookshop Owner's Gift. Rated Professors? Goody. :D

~Jess

Greetings!

Oh, I do so adore fics that give a life and a story to characters that slip through the cracks. There are few characters that are more on a nonentity in Harry’s Hogwarts class than Theo Nott and Lisa Turpin. Now, I’ve always had my own ideas about them, but for the moment, I’m going to focus on this brilliant little world that you’ve created for the two of them.

I get Theo. I don’t mean that I see him and understand what he’s like; I truly can commiserate with the sort of person he was during school. I suppose that’s why your characterisation of him is so powerful to me, for he holds the power of nothing. The fact that he is so very unapologetically so is just so striking. It’s a brave move to make your protagonist someone that one shouldn’t notice and/or care about, but you did and it was brilliant.

One thing that was odd was the sequence through which you flashed back in his life. However, the order of the memories had to be the way they were for the ending not to be all…’yeah, I knew that was coming’. Hmm…that made more sense in my head. I guess what I mean is that generally, non-chronological flashbacks are generally a no-no, but in this case, it was perfect. Okay, that is more what I meant to say, lol.

Lisa. Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. I liked that she was nerdy and extremely average-looking. She instantly became every boy’s first real crush, that nerdy girl that loved chess club too much. She wasn’t the brave, fiery Gryffindor girl who spat in the face of anyone who wore green and silver; she was quiet and unassuming, not unlike Theo. It is these qualities that make her such a rich and valuable character for your story and the way it plays out. You took naught but a name and gave her an identity, and that is so fantastic how you did it.

Theodore Sr…man, what a bastard. I truly hated the man from the first couple of paragraphs. I wanted him to die a horrible death, because I knew he had something to do with how damaged Theo was. To think that you could elicit such a reaction from me—and I don’t get that way often—speaks of the level of care and precision that you must have taken while writing this story. His sheer evil and selfishness toward is own end just made him the perfect villain. Voldemort is what he is, and everyone knows that. He hides nothing. But Theodore…he is the true face of what evil means, couching his own agenda in his supposed fatherly love and care. For that, he may rot in hell with Bellatrix and Milli Vanilli. I hope that in your personal canon for this story, someone eventually shot him in the face with a Blasting Curse or something vile.

And last but not least, Evelyn. Nothing on this planet surpasses the amount of love she held for her precious little boy. I had a feeling that the subtle questions throughout the story were from her, and I was pleased to see that I was right. Had it been his ‘conscience’, it might have ruined the potency of the story, but you did beautifully. So very much so. She wasn’t some spineless pushover, even though she tried to be one for Theo’s sake, but in the end, she knew that Theo needed her to be strong and take him away. The fact that she didn’t succeed doesn’t lessen this, either. In fact, it strengthens it.

In the end, though, I think Theo learnt to be strong from his mother. He knew that Voldy was going to kill him, and he didn’t care. He didn’t beg for his life like Draco would have done, and he didn’t give the Dark Lord the satisfaction of his pain. He put on his best ‘screw you’ face and let them do their worst. And for that, you’ve just made him one of my most favourite characters in fan fiction.

Plodding along, I shall address one more thing. I will freely admit that, when I first opened the story, I was intimidated by the idea of reading an almost 10K word fic in second person. In fact, I have a hard time making myself read a 1K word fic in second person, as it is probably my least favourite perspective. That being said, as I was chatting with Elené pretty much the entire time she was betaing this story, I was on the front lines of how much she completely raved about this story. Now, I didn’t know it was in second person, but that thought didn’t leave me as I told myself, “You can do this.”

I don’t think I’ve read any of your stuff before, so I was a bit…unsure about delving into second person of this magnitude, but I am so very glad I did. Your power to evoke emotional responses with what you write is so good that it’s almost orgasmic. I mean, you expect this sort of thing from non-fiction writing about people who saved the world with a ball of string and a prayer or something like that; but you did it telling the story of someone who was in a void throughout much of his life. That brings me to the conclusion of: holy crap, you’re good.

That’s all from me. This story was brilliant and a half, and I will endeavour to remember this far down the line when it comes time to nominate for next year’s QSQs, because this story is completely capable of winning one. Thanks for making it this far, and I hope my air raid bombing of ‘squee’ didn’t send you ducking under a couch somewhere…I hear there’s a hippogriff under there that will peck at your face. :D

Take care and happy writing,

~Jess

P.S. — Go Eagles!


Author's Response: I too adore minor characters and stories focused around them. It just feels that Harry, Ron, Hermione and people like them have already had their stories told, and I love writing the untold stories. I would love to hear your opinions on Theo and Lisa, and I'm glad you enjoyed my characterization of them so well. About the order of the memories. I have a tendency to be a bit of a rebel when it comes to writing rules (well that ones that aren't about grammar and Mary-Sues and such -- I'm a big supporter of them). So though I know flashbacks are supposed to go in order, I ignored it. Not just because of the impact on the story but because I don't believe that's the way PEOPLE think of memories.People's minds are always filled with random thoughts and strange emotions and memories that generally don't follow a proper timeline. People are messy; sometimes writing should be too. (I hope that made sense, lol. But it probably didn't.) Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, hm? I never really gave much thought to her before I chose to put her into this story. I chose her because all we knew about her was that she was a Ravenclaw. And I liked the idea of placing Theodore with someone smart, as honestly I don't think he would have patience or be captivated by someone who was less intelligent, like he was with her. Her personality stemmed from wanting to avoid as many cliches as possible. As you said, the fiery Gryffindor. It seems that the only girls with any real romance were these girls. (Lily, Ginny, even Hermione). It would say these are the typical girls you see in most romance books, even outside of Harry Potter and especially in the fanfiction world. Maybe it's just me, but I get tired of those sort of characters. Not to mention I avoid cliches at all cost. I wanted Lisa to be kind and non-overbearing, and very very smart, if a bit shy. Theodore being the hesitant person he is would be able to be drawn to her, without being intimidated like he would have with a fiery Gryffindor. Besides, her character wasn't too difficult for me to create. She sort of just stepped onto the page and said, "This is who I am; write me" while twirling that piece of hair. It seems most of the characters I work with do that, and I do my best to stay out of their way. Concerning Nott Sr, I agree with absolutely everything you said. If it hadn't been for him and the pressure he placed upon Theodore, can you imagine what Theodore might have become? I say in the story Theodore had his choice, and he did, but he would never have been forced into such a horrible decision if it hadn't been for his father. As for my personal canon, I know in this story I left it where he didn't die, and though it would be sweet justice if he was killed or at least thrown into Azkaban (though even that would be too merciful for the likes of him) I'm not the sort of person who believes in happy endings. As you might tell in the way this story ended, with so much death (though Theo did find the peace he couldn't have in life in the next). I don't believe evil is ever completely vanquished. Theodore Sr. deserves to die, but too often true evil gets away, wearing its mask of sheep's clothing. And Theodore was indeed that wolf. But one day, I'm sure he got his just reward. Maybe not at that battle or in his life, but certainly in the next. Can you imagine? Him seeing his wife and son and that "Mudblood" all living happily, while he is left a broken and withering soul and is taken to a place where there is no mercy for the wicked, and no mask that can save him. And THAT would be much sweeter vengeance. As for Evelyn being the voice, I just couldn't have it being Theodore's conscience. It would seem out of character for him, seeing as he silenced his conscience for so long, but he could never silence his mother, whispering to him from the other side where she waited for him. Yes, she did indeed love him, and I'm glad you picked up the person she was and I wanted her to be. And you're perfectly right that Theodore learned his strength from his mother. Theodore wasn't his father's son; he was his mother's through and through. About second person. I think this and the tiny drabble it started is the only thing I've written in second perspective, but I like testing myself and trying new styles. I realize it is the least common, and I probably would have run the other way if I had seen so long of a fic written like this. But I'm so glad you didn't. And Elene had high praise for me, certainly, but I had no idea she was raving about it. I'm truly flattered. Really. By her and by everything you've said. Really I cannot say thank you enough for all your wonderful compliments. I am certainly not hiding under the couch by your squee, though I'm sure it would be a nice place. I personally would have loved a stuffed animal like Feathers. Thank you again. So very much. Happy writing to you as well, fellow Claw! Chante'

Hello there.

Yeah, um...wow. Just...wow. If ever repetition was unnoticeable, this is it. I read through it, in awe the entire time, and I completely forgot that it was a tritina until I read yoru chapter notes. That is how much you rock.

I have no idea how I won that challenge, because your poem is pure grace and elegance. Gah, this review is turning out stupid and rambly, but I love this poem so much. I'm also excited to be its first read and review. :D

Take care and happy writing, 

~Jess

What is this? Melissa's back on the Most Recent Page?

Okay, I'll shut up now. I really like the tone of this story. It's not like a narration so much as Susan's streaming thoughts. The way you brougth that about with the little notes in parentheses seems to me like these losses and changes were sparked by a reminder and hence inserted there. That adds to the way the perspective suits the story.

I think my favourite line is when she tells Justin to not be a fatass and pass the pudding. She probably wouldn't have said that a year prior, which adds tothe meaning of your last parenthetical part about gaining some things despite what they've lost. 

I really appreciate the flow with which the story reads. You put a lot of meaning into 1000 words, and that sort of brevity is something that still escapes me (as you've no doubt noticed). 

Cheers and happy writing. I look forward to further appearances on the MR list. :D

~Jesssssss (masquerading as a Slytherin because my House members are embarrassing us in the Reference Desk; now taking open applications to be abducted into another house...oh, and I'll shut up now XD )

Hi, Molly. I noticed your story in the Most Recent list, as well as your banner request, so I decided to take a look.

As much as I really don't want to say this, you could have done much better in this story. The characterisation wasn't so much Hermione as it seemed like your own personal feelings about Snape imprinted on her. I know Hermione is your favourite character, so it's rather disappointing that you let this fic fall short of the potential it possesses. 

Ron was great. He was adequately cowed my Hermione's bitchy attitude, and he was more in keeping with the Ron that pulled Harry out of that frozen pond than anything, which was excellently done.

I just wish that Hermione had been more like herself. The rampant swearing is case in point. In all the books, she never used the words 'damn' and 'hell', let alone the words 'bastard' -- and especially -- 'bullshit'. The beginning was in keeping with her character, but the further into profanity she delved, the more she departed from the true Hermione Granger.

There were also several glaring punctuation mistakes, such as no question marks after interrogative sentences and misused semicolons. I suggest that you find yourself a third beta who is stronger on punctuation (in that regard, Apurva is definitely the best) to correct these errors for you. I know the story is already validated, but I'm guessing you want your fics to be a reflection on you as a writer, which entails a certain pedigree of excellence.

I hope you don't think I'm picking on you, but you can do much better than this. I hope that, if I check on this story down the line, that you've possibly taken a bit of this to heart.

Have a good evening,

~Jess

This is so totally an 'awwww' story. I just adore the fact that James is so like himself, but you still managed to make him not so fat-headed. That subsequently leads me to believe that he learnt it from that nasty Black boy. :D

Darling story, and I can't wait for the thrilling conclusion... *in best TV narrator voice*

~Jess

I would hereby like to formally squee over this fic. Yayayayay, I can finally say, "HA! I knew it was you." XD

I just adored the utter darkness of this story. I do love me a damaged!Harry fic, and it was as if you took the darkest of darkness and moulded me a story with all of my favourite things in it: death, violence, sex, and madness. You are my hero (won't say 'heroine' because it sounds too drugg-y) for writing such a haunting, beautiful story.

Good morning, by the way. When I get caught up on my NaNo word count and finish up my Katie/Oliver (almost done!), I'll stop being so lurky. 

Heart you. 

~Jess