I am a recent member of the Harry Potter fandom, but I have always had a passion for the written word, and I hope to fulfill it here. I live in a relatively boring corner of Idaho, and I like Kokanee and a good book!
So, I suppose you're wondering what's up with my username. Even if you're not, this is how that happened. No, I was not aspiring to be a Gryffindor. I can't think of any house to which I would belong less than Gryffindor, in fact. It was a moment of clarity that I got while I was battling with myself about whether I should want to be Sorted into Gryffindor to be like Harry or to be Sorted elsewhere and follow my own path. I thought it to be much like the contemplative scene in Hamlet when he weighed taking his own life. I'm not trying to be melodramatic. That's simply is what popped into my head when I was trying to sign up to leave a review. :D
Any questions or comments about my work? Please shoot me an email at: firstname.lastname@example.org — I'd love to hear from you!
It didn’t seem possible. He had been standing before her merely five minutes ago, but now he was gone. She stared up at the empty archway. He had mentioned voices, but there was no sound. Someone was holding her, pulling her arm, calling for her to run, but she couldn’t move. Where had he gone? Where had Sirius gone? Why weren’t they coming back?
Ginny thinks back to that fateful night in the Department of Mysteries—the night she lost Harry Potter.
I remember this from its original state. In that one, weren't they in Spain? I would be curious to know the reason behind the change, unless I'm being barmy and it was Greece all along.
I love how you use colour to add life and substance to a fic. It's like your keys are paints and your fingers are the brush, casting their vivid slashes across the page to spin a story worth knowing. One thing is for certain, and it is that you got your thousand words' worth out of this picture. The emotions in it are simply stunning.
Well done, you. :D
Aw, this is lovely. :D
I love the idea that they snuck out for a stroll in the moonlight and ended up lip locking. I love Albus, so I love when Albus is in love. Anna is such a delicious character, not to mention a perfect bestie for Rose. To me, she's the culmination of everything that Albus wants to be but isn't. I think that's why they're such a wonderful pair.
I'd leave a better review, but at the moment, I'm reading on borrowed time. Awesome story, Queen O' SPEW, and I can't wait to delve into A Moment, A Love.
Oh, lordy, I love this poem. I think I told you that, but I'll gush again, just because this was your first read/review. :D
I think that this bit is my favourite:
You and he and she and I
Will always remember
I was His servant.
It just expounds the finality of what he had done and that there was no taking back that tattoo on his arm. The last stanza, in general, was wonderful, but those lines were ultra-fantastic.
I really like how you rehashed all of the horrible things that he had seen while under Voldemort's thumb, plus what had come from that.
In the first stanza, when you say 'A mask
Blown asunder.' it just makes me think of how Draco's life had been such a delicately crafted ruse of making others think that he was in control, that he was strong and well-connected. Of course, it was nearly all lies, especially considering the toll that the war and servitude to the Dark Lord took on the entire Malfoy family. Then again, I shall not weep for Lucius, as he did steal Legolas's hair. That's just not right. :D
Anyway, lovely poem, and I'm excited to review first. I heart you, milady, and I hope your weekend without internet isn't too long a wait. I shall miss you!
Hearts and stuff,
He cannot bring himself to think the name. There is a glimpse of red. A laugh. A fumbled apology. A friendship.
How a death may change a life or two.
Winner of Best Non-Canon Romance in the Quick Silver Quill Awards 2010
Ooh, I love it when Ron dies, because that means that Hermione is freeeeee. :) (yeah, I'm not morbid or horrible at all)
Seriously, though...luv luv luv. The use of present tense just seems to catapult me into the moment, into what is being felt by Harry. It also gives me a sense of kinship to his situation. It's like I'm there, inside his head, hearing his thoughts, his guilt, and his pain. It's quite an extraordinary experience.
I do have to say that I am a (tiny) bit confused. I'm pretty sure that the girl at first is Hermione, but I'm not certain. She could be Ginny, but I don't know for sure. Perhaps you could enlighten me, or at least point out the obvious so that I may facepalm myself later.
I'm in love with Harmony so very much right now (I've been writing!), so this piece is just a little booster shot to my resolve to get it written and out there.
Completely lovely, as usual. Heart you, Julia Greenleaf. :D
~Jess/Overlord/That Bitch 'Cross the Pond
The girl is Hermione all the way through - when Ginny is mentioned it is Harry thinking back to their days together during his sixth year. \o/ I hope that isn't too confusing! Her presence all the way through sort of indicates she is the same girl from the beginning. But perhaps I should have made it more clear!
I really love using the present tense. I find it more interesting and more emotive - for my writing style anyway. As you said, it really puts the reader in the moment and when I'm writing I feel like I AM the character - in this case, Harry. Again, thanks so much for the review :)
Julia/Middle Earthling/Elven queen/ummmm, the nerd from the bottom of the world XD
Yay, the Slash of Doom is finally here!
First off, I will admit that I may or may not have raised a brow at the pairing. It just seemed so very random. However, after reading the story and the scenarios and circumstances that you put forth, it just makes so much sense to me.
Now, I’m guessing that these ruminations of a love past are taking place during Rabastan’s stint in Azkaban. Do correct me if I’m wrong. That would explain to me why he’s having trouble remembering—because of the Dementors.
Your characterisation of Rabastan is phenomenal. You have taken a character that I didn’t give a crap about a half an hour ago and brought him to life. Now, he’s a clear picture of darkness, calculation, and a prototypical Death Eater. Just the way you portray his thoughts and emotions was very vivid and poignant. I felt like I was going on this journey of self-discovery and uncertainty about things along with him.
Regulus is different than I had always imagined. I normally had pictured him as a boy so eager to distance himself from Sirius that he was sucked into a life that he didn’t fully know until it swallowed him. This is quite different. You show him as cunning, cold, and brooding. He knew exactly what he was getting into. He wanted it. It will be interesting to see how you deal with that aspect of him once you get to the Horcrux part. I’m sure you have something deliciously ebil planned.
Snape is an interesting character here. He’s a very minor character so far, but you have him nonchalantly breaking up fights. He does have that air of being like that, which might come into play later in the story. I do wonder if he’s going to play a larger role down the line.
One part in particular did fascinate me, and that was this:
Lol @ your chapter notes. :D
This was an interesting portrait of a hidden moment in time. I really like how her mind beats that solid tattoo of 'don't die, don't die'. It really lends desperation to the story. You know how I feel about second person PPOV, and I'm still not sure about it here, but you at least have the gift of being able to remove the repetitiveness from it that makes it intolerable in lesser hands.
Very sweet story, my dear, and a very good return to the Most Recent list.
Love you bunches!
This was so freaking funny. I don't think I have words for just how funny. I think my favourite part was when they were trying to figure out who RAB was, and AngstyHarry misspelt. It was truly a beverage-thru-nose moment. I think I probably spent the entire story laughing. Maybe, even if the Audiofics are on hiatus for a few months, perhaps Madam Caroledemort could record it for you just because. It would be so freaking funny to listen to this madness.
Hmm, this is an interesting scenario. Had this particular scene not been cemented into canon as something else, it would be completely believable to me. In fact, I had to peruse HBP just to make sure that it was like I remembered it and not thus, so I'd say that you posited a very nice scenario.
I really like tweaking canon to make it better, because there are points, no matter how much we adore the Potterverse as JKR has created it, that certain moments lack luster and the 'wow' they were meant to have. For instance, I thought Harry/Ginny was a stupid idea becuase it just didn't make sense because Harry spent more time pining for Cho freaking Chang than he did for Ginny, and they were supposed to have this great, forever kind of love from that? That's why, even as a Harmony shipper (only in certain situations, as I do believe in Ron/Hermione), I enjoy reading some Harry/Ginny, because good writers fill in those gaps and make the romance make sense. I'm not biased against any ship, really, save for Dramione and Snamione, because just...wtf.
Your writing is very good, and your grammar/flow/word choice is well done. It's very easy to read and I didn't find any mistakes at all, which is refreshing (and with the amount of reading I know you do, you already know that).
That's it for now, so I hope this review brightens yoru day as much as yours did for me. Have a lovely afternoon/evening/whatever would be appropriate for your time zone.
We are all influenced by the actions or inactions of our parents. The same is true of Scorpius Malfoy; he has been raised by an overly protective mother and a father who is still coming to grips with the mess that his own father made of his life. Scorpius knows that he will be judged at Hogwarts by what others know or think they know about his father and grandfather.
At Hogwarts Scorpius will meet:
Albus Potter the middle child of ‘The Great Harry Potter’ and Quidditch star Ginny Weasley Potter. A boy who not only has things to live up to but an older brother ready to remind him of who’s boss.
Rose Weasley, Albus’ surrogate sister/first cousin, struggling in her own way, not her mother’s way, to succeed.
Kaitlin Jones, daughter of Tornados player Owain Jones and favorite niece of Gwenog Jones, who is at home on a broom and lost almost everywhere else.
Jimber Dokes recent immigrant from the West Indies trying to fit his own magical heritage Vardoo with the Western style of magic taught at the school
Thad Vance, the Gryffindor Quidditch captain, his grandfather and all of his uncles and aunts were killed by Death Eaters, maybe Lucius Malfoy
Meanwhile in London, Draco and Astoria Malfoy try to build a new life and legacy by betting all they own on a Potions Shop in Diagon Alley.
Beta Reader - Apurva Patel Chapters 1-3
Carol Paquette Chapter 1
Hogwartsbookworm Chapter 4-15
In memory of my Father Horace McConnell 1934-2010
Hello there. :D
I'm Jess and the resident lurker. I just saw your story in the Most Recent list and decided, after reading your fantastic summary, that I just had to check it out.
I myself have delved into the realm of Next-Generation quite extensively, so it's interesting to see where others see our favourite characters ending up. Your Draco is case in point.
I like his voice. The way you have structured and worded his thoughts was very well-done. Traditionally, Draco is a judgmental little jerk, and it's good to see that you didn't leave that out completely. The best example is when he first encounters the Dokes, his first thought was 'Mudbloods' and how much he really wished they wouldn't come too near him. Now, I don't think Draco would really feel this way still after all this time, but it wouild end up being more of a reflex than anything. I thought that part was very well done.
Inversely, in that opening scene, there were a few things I wasn't too sure about. First off, you have Astoria meeting Draco as a first-year and a fifth-year respectively, but, canonically, Astoria is only two years Draco's junior. It's not a big deal or anything, but you may want to make a note of it in case other canon drum beaters (you know...like me :D ) bring it up. The second part of that very same paragraph is more of what I wanted to bring up. Draco held Astoria's hand and smiled at her. As far as I can tell, Draco at Hogwarts would have never, ever, ever, ever, ever done anything of the sort, especially if the person was younger that him and therefore of no use to him. I know it doesn't sound like much, but attention to this sort of detail is what sets apart a good fic from a great fic. The story you have set up has the makings of greatness, especially with the characters you've crafted in your summary alone. It would be awesome for this story to do well.
Another qualm that I had that isn't so minor is the overall narrative voice. There were times during the opening of the chapter that I truly had no idea whose head we were in. 'Head hopping', more affectionately known as Third Person Omniscient is generally considered a no-no, but in this story, it's actually fitting. The problem lies with clearly defining whose head you're in, who's thinking. Several paragraphs, no matter how many times I read them, I truly had no idea. The most glaring example was this:
Dokes smiled. Draco stopped, caught his breath and in a soft voice added, “However, I must warn you that Draco’s grandfather was a criminal who has paid his debt, as they say. Yet some will not easily forgive. If your son were to travel with my son, he might get painted with the same brush.”
I think this is Draco's narrative voice, but I'm not sure. I'm not saying that you should, by any means, go back and rip it all apart and re-write it, but perhaps, in the future, you might want to be wary of confusing the reader.
I'm also a little bit put off by the use of substitutes for a person's name in writing. For instance, in the second to last paragraph, in reference to Professor Longbottom, he was termed as 'the man', 'the teacher', 'the professor', and 'Longbottom. This is somewhat of a device for us writers to employ in order to avoid repetitiveness, but instead of gaining the desired result, it just looks sort of sloppy. Using this method here and there is fine, but that many usages in one paragraph pushes on the extreme and is offputting to readers. It's like using terms like 'the Slytherin', 'the blonde', and 'Malfoy' instead of Draco. There are a good number of Malfoys, even more Slytherins, and definitely more blondes. It's just makes for better habits to refer to characters by their names. Getting creative to avoid rampant repetitiveness in other ways is a good challenge.
Another thing. In the beginning, Scorpius is wearing black silk robes, yet Draco had only two Galleons to send to school with his son. I know appearances have and always will matter to Draco, but that seems to be slightly on the realm of impractical. I know it's a matter of my own personal preference, but I don't see Draco's need to keep up appearances extending that far. If they were just plain black robes like everyone else's, the thought would have never occurred to me.
Okay, so, by now, you're probably like, "Who is this person and what is she on about?" I'm just trying to impart some lessons that I had learnt the hard way by receiving some rather unsavory reviews and harsh comments on my work. They've shaped me into a much better writer, and I want to share that experience with everyone, but without the sting that such things can bring along with them. I'm an open book in that regard.
Now, after that bit of crit (rhyming not intentional), I would love to get back to the fun stuff--talking Malfoy!
I really like the way you've portrayed Scorpius. He doesn't seem as judgmental as Draco, which speaks volumes of how much Draco has tried to better himself as a human being and the amount of growing up that he had done before having a child. I also like that he sees his father as his source of everything important. Several times, he had brought up in his personal narrative something that Draco had told him to watch for, and he, the dutiful son, did so. It shows how, no matter how much Draco tried to stray from Lucius's example of fatherhood, that mark of respect for the father figure still remained in the Malfoy family. It really speaks of reality to me, which is something that these wizarding families that people portray in their fan fiction sometimes lack for me as a reader.
Jimber is also a interesting character. He owns this open, bald honesty that is shocking to Scorpius, like when he was discussing how badly Hagrid's dog stank and about a similarly-smelling dog in his homeland. It's obvious that Jimber is proud of this memory, which leads me to believe that his upbringing is not unlike Scorpius's and that there might be a very good reason why the Dokes are no longer in their native country and are in London instead. I can't wait to find out.
I also am anxious to see more of your Rose. I always had her pegged as much more outspoken, but she seems more like a young Ginny to me--quiet but quick to defend her hero. I'm curious to see which direction you take with her.
All in all, you have a fantastic start to this story, and I will definitely be checking out any further updates you produce, plus possibly visiting your author page to check out your Luna stories. Thank you for reading this far, and have a lovely day!
Ah, such a lovely poem with awesome flow. I like how you have crafted the Veil to be a living, breathing entity that almost feeds on its victims.
Very well done, EQ. I tried to submit mine, but I was like 17 words short. I may have to fluff the word count a little by 'explaining' the tritina. :D
Oh, I do so adore fics that give a life and a story to characters that slip through the cracks. There are few characters that are more on a nonentity in Harry’s Hogwarts class than Theo Nott and Lisa Turpin. Now, I’ve always had my own ideas about them, but for the moment, I’m going to focus on this brilliant little world that you’ve created for the two of them.
I get Theo. I don’t mean that I see him and understand what he’s like; I truly can commiserate with the sort of person he was during school. I suppose that’s why your characterisation of him is so powerful to me, for he holds the power of nothing. The fact that he is so very unapologetically so is just so striking. It’s a brave move to make your protagonist someone that one shouldn’t notice and/or care about, but you did and it was brilliant.
One thing that was odd was the sequence through which you flashed back in his life. However, the order of the memories had to be the way they were for the ending not to be all…’yeah, I knew that was coming’. Hmm…that made more sense in my head. I guess what I mean is that generally, non-chronological flashbacks are generally a no-no, but in this case, it was perfect. Okay, that is more what I meant to say, lol.
Lisa. Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. I liked that she was nerdy and extremely average-looking. She instantly became every boy’s first real crush, that nerdy girl that loved chess club too much. She wasn’t the brave, fiery Gryffindor girl who spat in the face of anyone who wore green and silver; she was quiet and unassuming, not unlike Theo. It is these qualities that make her such a rich and valuable character for your story and the way it plays out. You took naught but a name and gave her an identity, and that is so fantastic how you did it.
Theodore Sr…man, what a bastard. I truly hated the man from the first couple of paragraphs. I wanted him to die a horrible death, because I knew he had something to do with how damaged Theo was. To think that you could elicit such a reaction from me—and I don’t get that way often—speaks of the level of care and precision that you must have taken while writing this story. His sheer evil and selfishness toward is own end just made him the perfect villain. Voldemort is what he is, and everyone knows that. He hides nothing. But Theodore…he is the true face of what evil means, couching his own agenda in his supposed fatherly love and care. For that, he may rot in hell with Bellatrix and Milli Vanilli. I hope that in your personal canon for this story, someone eventually shot him in the face with a Blasting Curse or something vile.
And last but not least, Evelyn. Nothing on this planet surpasses the amount of love she held for her precious little boy. I had a feeling that the subtle questions throughout the story were from her, and I was pleased to see that I was right. Had it been his ‘conscience’, it might have ruined the potency of the story, but you did beautifully. So very much so. She wasn’t some spineless pushover, even though she tried to be one for Theo’s sake, but in the end, she knew that Theo needed her to be strong and take him away. The fact that she didn’t succeed doesn’t lessen this, either. In fact, it strengthens it.
In the end, though, I think Theo learnt to be strong from his mother. He knew that Voldy was going to kill him, and he didn’t care. He didn’t beg for his life like Draco would have done, and he didn’t give the Dark Lord the satisfaction of his pain. He put on his best ‘screw you’ face and let them do their worst. And for that, you’ve just made him one of my most favourite characters in fan fiction.
Plodding along, I shall address one more thing. I will freely admit that, when I first opened the story, I was intimidated by the idea of reading an almost 10K word fic in second person. In fact, I have a hard time making myself read a 1K word fic in second person, as it is probably my least favourite perspective. That being said, as I was chatting with Elené pretty much the entire time she was betaing this story, I was on the front lines of how much she completely raved about this story. Now, I didn’t know it was in second person, but that thought didn’t leave me as I told myself, “You can do this.”
I don’t think I’ve read any of your stuff before, so I was a bit…unsure about delving into second person of this magnitude, but I am so very glad I did. Your power to evoke emotional responses with what you write is so good that it’s almost orgasmic. I mean, you expect this sort of thing from non-fiction writing about people who saved the world with a ball of string and a prayer or something like that; but you did it telling the story of someone who was in a void throughout much of his life. That brings me to the conclusion of: holy crap, you’re good.
That’s all from me. This story was brilliant and a half, and I will endeavour to remember this far down the line when it comes time to nominate for next year’s QSQs, because this story is completely capable of winning one. Thanks for making it this far, and I hope my air raid bombing of ‘squee’ didn’t send you ducking under a couch somewhere…I hear there’s a hippogriff under there that will peck at your face. :D
Take care and happy writing,
P.S. — Go Eagles!
Author's Response: I too adore minor characters and stories focused around them. It just feels that Harry, Ron, Hermione and people like them have already had their stories told, and I love writing the untold stories. I would love to hear your opinions on Theo and Lisa, and I'm glad you enjoyed my characterization of them so well. About the order of the memories. I have a tendency to be a bit of a rebel when it comes to writing rules (well that ones that aren't about grammar and Mary-Sues and such -- I'm a big supporter of them). So though I know flashbacks are supposed to go in order, I ignored it. Not just because of the impact on the story but because I don't believe that's the way PEOPLE think of memories.People's minds are always filled with random thoughts and strange emotions and memories that generally don't follow a proper timeline. People are messy; sometimes writing should be too. (I hope that made sense, lol. But it probably didn't.) Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, hm? I never really gave much thought to her before I chose to put her into this story. I chose her because all we knew about her was that she was a Ravenclaw. And I liked the idea of placing Theodore with someone smart, as honestly I don't think he would have patience or be captivated by someone who was less intelligent, like he was with her. Her personality stemmed from wanting to avoid as many cliches as possible. As you said, the fiery Gryffindor. It seems that the only girls with any real romance were these girls. (Lily, Ginny, even Hermione). It would say these are the typical girls you see in most romance books, even outside of Harry Potter and especially in the fanfiction world. Maybe it's just me, but I get tired of those sort of characters. Not to mention I avoid cliches at all cost. I wanted Lisa to be kind and non-overbearing, and very very smart, if a bit shy. Theodore being the hesitant person he is would be able to be drawn to her, without being intimidated like he would have with a fiery Gryffindor. Besides, her character wasn't too difficult for me to create. She sort of just stepped onto the page and said, "This is who I am; write me" while twirling that piece of hair. It seems most of the characters I work with do that, and I do my best to stay out of their way. Concerning Nott Sr, I agree with absolutely everything you said. If it hadn't been for him and the pressure he placed upon Theodore, can you imagine what Theodore might have become? I say in the story Theodore had his choice, and he did, but he would never have been forced into such a horrible decision if it hadn't been for his father. As for my personal canon, I know in this story I left it where he didn't die, and though it would be sweet justice if he was killed or at least thrown into Azkaban (though even that would be too merciful for the likes of him) I'm not the sort of person who believes in happy endings. As you might tell in the way this story ended, with so much death (though Theo did find the peace he couldn't have in life in the next). I don't believe evil is ever completely vanquished. Theodore Sr. deserves to die, but too often true evil gets away, wearing its mask of sheep's clothing. And Theodore was indeed that wolf. But one day, I'm sure he got his just reward. Maybe not at that battle or in his life, but certainly in the next. Can you imagine? Him seeing his wife and son and that "Mudblood" all living happily, while he is left a broken and withering soul and is taken to a place where there is no mercy for the wicked, and no mask that can save him. And THAT would be much sweeter vengeance. As for Evelyn being the voice, I just couldn't have it being Theodore's conscience. It would seem out of character for him, seeing as he silenced his conscience for so long, but he could never silence his mother, whispering to him from the other side where she waited for him. Yes, she did indeed love him, and I'm glad you picked up the person she was and I wanted her to be. And you're perfectly right that Theodore learned his strength from his mother. Theodore wasn't his father's son; he was his mother's through and through. About second person. I think this and the tiny drabble it started is the only thing I've written in second perspective, but I like testing myself and trying new styles. I realize it is the least common, and I probably would have run the other way if I had seen so long of a fic written like this. But I'm so glad you didn't. And Elene had high praise for me, certainly, but I had no idea she was raving about it. I'm truly flattered. Really. By her and by everything you've said. Really I cannot say thank you enough for all your wonderful compliments. I am certainly not hiding under the couch by your squee, though I'm sure it would be a nice place. I personally would have loved a stuffed animal like Feathers. Thank you again. So very much. Happy writing to you as well, fellow Claw! Chante'
Oh! I realised one thing that jolted me out of a sound sleep in its intensity.
“This is what you plan to do, Evelyn?” he asks, his voice vicious. “Stun me and leave with my son.”
Your father begins to climb to his feet, but your spell is quick. “Stupefy!”
This parallel is just...ahhhhhhh! Made of win! Theo's mother thought that she could just stun Theodore Sr. and leave, and Theo thought that he could just Stun him and leave. Neither succeeded. Wow, that is a wonderful little nugget to plant in there. :D
I'm tired and probably not making any sense, so I'll just shut up now. *Iugs*
Yeah, um...wow. Just...wow. If ever repetition was unnoticeable, this is it. I read through it, in awe the entire time, and I completely forgot that it was a tritina until I read yoru chapter notes. That is how much you rock.
I have no idea how I won that challenge, because your poem is pure grace and elegance. Gah, this review is turning out stupid and rambly, but I love this poem so much. I'm also excited to be its first read and review. :D
Take care and happy writing,
I put this story on my reading list the moment the prologue came through the queue because it was just too off-the-wall not to. Sometimes, it's cool to step into the realm of the strange and unusual to see what might have been, and though it seems cruel of me, I think I like seeing this mirror into a parallel universe where all was not well.
There are several fascinating implements in this story, starting with the idea of a sort of giant time turner, and ending with the bizarre magic that made it work.
There were times that Harry's characterisation seemed off, but then I had to stop and think that this is simply a different kind of story that required a different viewpoint, one that commiserated with a lost and broken Harry who had been too jaded by the world to be 'just Harry' anymore.
I am curious, though...why Flitwick? Was his presence picked for a significant purpose, or did he just pop into your mind as someone you wanted to use? It by no means affects my view on the story, but I do admit to wondering.
All in all, despite being wildly different than anything that I've ever read before, this fic is really interesting, and I shall continue to read updates. Normally, I would go into more detail as to my kudos and qualms, but it's half three in the morning, and I can't be arsed to review properly at this juncture. Do forgive me. :D
Cheers and happy writing!
What is this? Melissa's back on the Most Recent Page?
Okay, I'll shut up now. I really like the tone of this story. It's not like a narration so much as Susan's streaming thoughts. The way you brougth that about with the little notes in parentheses seems to me like these losses and changes were sparked by a reminder and hence inserted there. That adds to the way the perspective suits the story.
I think my favourite line is when she tells Justin to not be a fatass and pass the pudding. She probably wouldn't have said that a year prior, which adds tothe meaning of your last parenthetical part about gaining some things despite what they've lost.
I really appreciate the flow with which the story reads. You put a lot of meaning into 1000 words, and that sort of brevity is something that still escapes me (as you've no doubt noticed).
Cheers and happy writing. I look forward to further appearances on the MR list. :D
~Jesssssss (masquerading as a Slytherin because my House members are embarrassing us in the Reference Desk; now taking open applications to be abducted into another house...oh, and I'll shut up now XD )
Ooh, Terri, what a wonderful coincidence!
Hehe. :D This is a very nice example of positing a scenario that has very good opportunity to be true. I think Sirius's distrust of Remus was well-explained, and the natural leap for him was to suspect Remus after he left so suddenly. The others didn't agree because they never truly believed that there was a traitor in the first place, let alone that it could be Remus.
I think you did a fabulous job making Peter nondescript and unassuming. He seems the bumbling idiot sometimes in fanon, but anyone who is capable of hoodwinking the entire Order for a year is definitely not an idiot. The bit where he was the first to ask how they were going to go about protecting the Potters was excellent foreshadowing of how the events ended up occurring canonically.
My only real nitpick is that there are times in the dialogue when common contractions aren't used, which make the characters' speech sound more robotic than fluid and natural. It's nothing big, but I'd be a complete fail of a reviewer if I didn't point out things that bothered me, as well as what I liked.
All in all, this is an excellent story, and I can't wait for your muse to gift us with the other half. And what the hell was Remus doing with the werewolves?!
Ta and wonderful story. :D
Hi, Molly. I noticed your story in the Most Recent list, as well as your banner request, so I decided to take a look.
As much as I really don't want to say this, you could have done much better in this story. The characterisation wasn't so much Hermione as it seemed like your own personal feelings about Snape imprinted on her. I know Hermione is your favourite character, so it's rather disappointing that you let this fic fall short of the potential it possesses.
Ron was great. He was adequately cowed my Hermione's bitchy attitude, and he was more in keeping with the Ron that pulled Harry out of that frozen pond than anything, which was excellently done.
I just wish that Hermione had been more like herself. The rampant swearing is case in point. In all the books, she never used the words 'damn' and 'hell', let alone the words 'bastard' -- and especially -- 'bullshit'. The beginning was in keeping with her character, but the further into profanity she delved, the more she departed from the true Hermione Granger.
There were also several glaring punctuation mistakes, such as no question marks after interrogative sentences and misused semicolons. I suggest that you find yourself a third beta who is stronger on punctuation (in that regard, Apurva is definitely the best) to correct these errors for you. I know the story is already validated, but I'm guessing you want your fics to be a reflection on you as a writer, which entails a certain pedigree of excellence.
I hope you don't think I'm picking on you, but you can do much better than this. I hope that, if I check on this story down the line, that you've possibly taken a bit of this to heart.
Have a good evening,
Ooh, how very dark and awesome. :D
I like to think that failure to question the status quo is something only idiots do, but we both know that Regulus wasn't an idiot.I'd like to amend that to 'oblivious to the alternative', because that seems to fit better. You illustrate that so well. It's angsty, but not emo-ish, which makes it sparkle so very much.
I think my favourite part is the entire last stanza. It says so much about how much Regulus regrets not having the bollocks to find his own way instead of living the life that was mapped out for him before he was born.
Gah, you so rock, and so does this poem, Madame Greengrass. I heart you!
This is so totally an 'awwww' story. I just adore the fact that James is so like himself, but you still managed to make him not so fat-headed. That subsequently leads me to believe that he learnt it from that nasty Black boy. :D
Darling story, and I can't wait for the thrilling conclusion... *in best TV narrator voice*
I know you still have your doubts and all that about it, but this really is a fantastic poem. The iambic pentameter is absolutely flawless, and it beautifully escapes the trap of sacrificing content for structure. It flows so perfectly, and every syllable is just right to set up a steady rhythm, which in itself lends even more to the concept of the poem.
A kiss destroys, chaste feelings all undone:
Lips crash, cry out a frantic song of lust.
They quickly join their burning flesh as one,
Their consummation sealed by one last thrust.
This is without a doubt my favourite part. It is just so real and emotive, and I can't help but feel like I'm there (in that non-creepy, non-voyeur way, of course). There is just so much bang packed into that verse, and it's it serves almost as a climax, leaving the last two lines to be that feeling of floating back down to earth and landing in a puffy little pile of denial, like prior restriction just doesn't exist for them, the couple of the reader's choice. Then again, I think you know who came into my mind. :D
Awesome, fantastic, and gorgeous sonnet, dear, and I'm so glad you posted it so I could praise it in public. You are truly gifted in the art of structural poetry.