Penname: sbbc_mnff [Contact]
Real name: SBBC
Member Since: 07/18/09
Website: http://fanfiction.mugglenet.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?22-Susan-Bones-Book-Club
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"I Want To Go Home." by coolh5000
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 33]

Summary: Past Featured Story“But I want to go home,” whispered the girl. “I don’t want to fight anymore”
DH p558

Not everyone who fought in the Battle of Hogwarts wanted to be there, and not everyone survived. This is the story of one of those people.

Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 4441 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
04/01/08 Updated: 04/20/08


Reviewer: sbbc_mnff Signed
Date: 09/08/09 Title: Chapter 1: "I Want To Go Home."

Hello, Hannah! As you may or may not have noticed, the SBBC discussed this fic last month, in this thread: http://www.fanfiction.mugglenet.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42752 To summarize a few of the points that were made in this discussion…

On the whole, this fic was very impressive. While writing in a world which is so familiar to all of us (because of the narration that we’ve received throughout the HP series) it truly is challenging to step out of that and successfully write in the voice of a character who is unaware of the terrible acts of which Voldemort is capable, and apprehensive about the magical world which she has entered. Charlotte is an extremely believable character, and the way you took this situation of Ginny comforting the little girl and crafted your own story and OC around it was extremely well-done.

In particular, the following passage was very nice: She heard the laughter from her attacker, she heard her own scream pierce the night, audible above all the other battle sounds. The scene in which Charlotte is tortured is both horrible and painful to read [in a good way, of course], because you manage to portray Charlotte’s innocence so that the reader is appalled at the fact that she got caught up in this battle, when she wants nothing to do with it. This passage, in particular, struck almost everyone in the SBBC as a pretty moving scene, so, well done!

One thing that was noticed is that at times, the writing in this story felt rather forced and mechanical. There were some passages that flowed extremely well, but there were also some that relied too much on telling, and not enough showing, to use that phrase. For example, when Charlotte is lost in the castle and navigating through the corridors, there is a lot of excess description there, and the scene may have been more effective if it relied more on Charlotte’s emotions during that time, and less on where Charlotte physically was.

Also, in certain points of this story, it felt like there was too much emphasis being placed on a retelling of DH, rather than Charlotte’s personal story and how it fit into the DH plot. Perhaps there could have been more explained about Charlotte’s backstory, or more anecdotes or allusions to her first year at Hogwarts – these points were touched upon in the beginning of the story, and although the theme of Charlotte’s desperation and innocence carried through until the end, there were a lot of opportunities to include more about how the plot of DH tied into Charlotte’s life, and not the other way around.

But all in all, this was a refreshing read – it had a very unique perspective and an extremely sympathetic OC. The SBBC hopes to read more stories by you in the future!

- Susan Bones' Book Club

Author's Response: Thanks for the review, SBBC :) I was actually following the discussion as it was taking place in the forums. Also, as a forum stalker ;), I would like to say (regarding your most recent discussions) that as an author, I definitely would have come and participated at the end of the discussion of this story, had I been able, so I think it's a good idea to let the authors in, whoever suggested it. It's frustrating to read people talking about your writing and not be able to say anything!

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