Arabella is a normal girl, from a normal wizarding family. A worry is constantly sitting on her stomach, though, and soon that worry has to be confirmed.
*Profanity minor, and one incident only*
I really like this story. You have a wonderful way of creating very vivid descriptions which really bring your story to life.
Some specific comments:
‘Magic ...’ I breathe, enthralled by the moment.
This is a brilliant introduction, it really sets up the story and the relationship between the two girls. I was a bit confused as the story went on about whether or not Fiona knew (or suspected) about Arabella being a squib. From the “humouring” comment, it feels to me like she does, but then later on, I wasn’t sure.
Tears splash the page as I feel the injustice. The ink smudges in places, but I don’t care. This’ll just be a pinprick to Fiona’s perfect world. My world is crumbling before my eyes though – it’ll never be the same. I hope my tears serve as a reminder to my sister that it isn’t she who has to go through this. It’s me.
This is a wonderful, emotional paragraph.
I put on my jeans, while she goes off to buy it.
This really through me. The way the character’s talk feel quite old-fashioned, and though I’m not sure how old Mrs Figg is, I think jeans are far too modern. It kinda of pulled me out of the story, because I had to reevaluate the when the story was set.
‘I’m Arabella Lynch – Bella,’ I offer.
We walk into the building together. Never, when I was thinking about starting at St. Mary’s, did I think I’d make a friend – I hadn’t even thought about it. I have a feeling though, that Olive will remain my friend for a long time. Suddenly, it doesn’t matter so much that I’m a Squib.
…and I immediately thought ‘how sweet, she changed her name to her girlfriend’s!’ Ahem. Reading the other reviews, I see that is not the case. :D
I do wonder if her change of heart about being a Squib is a bit sudden – I would have like to have maybe had a further scene about Arabella’s time at her new school, (perhaps at the end of the year when she is coming home) when we learn that she is feeling less worried about being a Squib. Then again, I would like more of this story altogether, so there you go. ;) It's a really interesting idea that you have turned into a great story. Thanks for writing it! :)
Author's Response: Psi, hmm, I imagined Fiona seeing Bella as a child who didn't really know anything about magic and doted on her as a result... if that makes any sense :/ Thanks for your review :) xx
Summary: "All I have left is hope..."
At the end of his seventh year, the only thing Severus Snape possesses is a golden diploma and hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, Lily Evans will forgive him for calling her a Mudblood. Hope that maybe, just maybe, his mother won't die. Hope that maybe, just maybe, he'll be able to survive with just hope.
But can you succeed with just hope?
Hi Annmarie! :)
I really like the set up for this story. I think Severus is definitely the kind of person who would make a last ditch attempt to mend his relationship with Lily and then completely ruin it.
The opening is good, though is sets a very light-hearted tone, which I not entirely sure fits the rest of the fic. I really like the description of Snape as he is waiting to give Lily the present. Also, I completely believe that Snape would offer to get rid of Lily’s bad memories of him! I think he would be someone, particularly when he is younger, than would prefer to erase certain parts of his life. I found it a bit strange that Lily was asking Snape if he would let her keep her memories – I think Lily would be more someone who put her foot down and told him she wasn’t interested in getting rid of her memories, so he’ll have to put up with that.
At times Lily comes off as a little immature and childish, given that she is eighteen years old and about to leave school. In particular, calling Snape’s gift ‘puke,’ seems childish, and her being worried about being alone with a boy. That sort of attitude doesn’t seem to fit the Lily we see in the books – in the pensive scene she seems mature and grown up, perhaps overly so.
In the books Snape’s childhood social interactions often seem tainted with humiliation and embarrassment – the first time he meets Lily, his worst memory, and so on. I don’t think you need to put that into your story, but looking back, I find it’s a little odd that I don’t get a sense of Snape being embarrassed or humiliated by his conversation with Lily. He seems to be a person who feels those sorts of emotions very strongly, and I think it would make the story stronger we felt his embarrassment. It would also add something extra to his lashing out at the end if he is reacting to feeling embarrassed or humiliated about the situation.
In the second part, I think Snape’s dad, and his relationship with his parents needs more work. Tobias and Severus both talk about how Tobias is neglectful, sleeping around, and so on, but I think you need to show it a little more. Perhaps Snape could find his father lying around drunk while his mother is sick, or he could hear rumours from someone else about what his father has been up to?
I really like the scene between Snape and Lily in the library. I could really feel the awkwardness from both of them. I liked Lily being reluctant to tell Snape, and then telling Snape not to stare!
There are a few details that stand out. Snape’s mother having tuberculosis seems quite off for the time, as mass vaccinations against it had been around for a decade or two. Also, when Snape goes to the library he mentions looking things up on a computer, which wouldn’t have been around in the 70s.
I did find the use of capitals to add emphasis is kind of off putting to read, particularly in the first part. Personally, I’d use bold or italic tags, and maybe just pick one or two words out of a sentence to emphasise. The writing itself gets across the building anger as the character speaks, so I don’t think you need to put it in capitals.
Overall I think your characterisation of Snape is really good, but I think Lily needs a little more work. I like the story so far and I am looking forward to reading more.
Summary: When George thinks of her, he thinks of Fred.
So, he tries not to think at all.
Nominated for a 2011 Quicksilver Quill Award in Best Dark/Angsty, Best Canon Romance, and Best Post Hogwarts.
Such a lovely fic. Very emotional without being overdone at all. Your writing is always fantastic: brilliant imagery and descriptions.
I like the different sections, and the different relationships George goes through as he works through his grief. My only small (tiny, miniscule!) nitpick is that the section with the muggle girl felt a little bit ... unbalanced? with the others, because it was so short.
As others have said, your Luna is perfect and amazing and just right. Have you written any Luna-centric fic? *goes to look*
Thank you for such a great fic! :)
Summary: There were blind spots in his mind. They said he might recover the lost memories; they also said there was a high possibility he might not. Along came a girl, and everything changed.Warning: This story is originally rated Professors, for the bunch of warning tags applicable to it. The rating has been changed temporarily only because we're having some technical problem with stories that have higher ratings. So, please click at your own discretion. This story is written for ToBeOrNot..../Jess, my close friend and one of the most gifted writers I know. O Believer of Rarepairs, this is my fluff-free, dark and angsty present for you.
I love this fic. Your writing is really beautiful with some lovely phrases, and you've created an intriguing plot as well. I haven't read many fics that play so creatively with memory charms and now I am all THINKY about them. Your backround for Theo was fascinating and well thought out as well. I also completely adore the title of the Niffler book - it's the perfect combination of childish, and yet really quite creepy that fits in well to the HP world. Thank you!