MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
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Hi there! I’m Soraya. I’m seventeen years old and am a proud Muslim British Bangladeshi. I live in East London and have loved reading and writing from a young age. I’m rather obsessed with Harry Potter (aren’t we all?), tea (not a surprise considering I’m a Brit) and good grammar. Recently, I've also got into the Supernatural fandom. After watching the first episode, I had already fallen head over heels in love with Sam Winchester, so it's no surprise that I am now a huge SPN fangirl as well as a Potterhead.

My writing has changed quite a bit over the years, and I think you'll probably notice that, the further down my author page you go, the more the quality seems to drop :P I started posting stories on here at the age of fourteen, and at nearly eighteen, I can see how much my writing has improved since those Dark Ages. So, for that reason, I would advise you stick to the more recent stuff, if you choose to read anything of mine.

My Stories

Just so you know, these are posted firstly according to what kind of pairing, if any, is in the story, and then in chronological order in accordance to my own canon, not necessarily the order in which they were posted.

Canon Pairings

Checkmate (James/Lily)

My first chaptered fic. It’s terribly written, but I still have a place in my heart for it because of how much fun it was to write. This story has now been deleted on MNFF, but if you really, really want to read it, you can still find it on FF.net and HPFF. (I advise you don't, though :P)

Second Childishness and Mere Oblivion (James/Lily)

Written for Round One (Major Characters) of Madam Pomfrey’s Character Clinic Triathlon, this one-shot is about James and Lily’s relationship getting rockier and rockier after they left Hogwarts, especially when Lily is faced with the trials of being a wife and motherhood. A little smutty.

My Love is Always Here (James/Lily)

This was a belated birthday present for the wonderful Gina/Gmariam, aka the queen of James/Lily. This is mostly about Lily dealing with becoming a mother for the first time and the problems (as well as the joys) that come with that.

There's an Answer (Remus/Tonks)

Written for Sophie/The owl for SPEW Summer Swap IV. Tonks is sent on an interesting baby Auror assignment to do with werewolves. Remus and a dangerous Muggle are thrown into the mix, with interesting results.

Left Behind (Remus/Tonks)

An expanded version of one of my LoveNotes, written for SPEW. It's a missing moment set between OOTP and HBP, where in my head canon Remus and Tonks have been together, in secret, for a few weeks already and Remus is then told to go on his werewolf mission. Slightly smutty.

One and Only (Remus/Tonks)

Written for the lovely Alex/Ithinkrabis2people in the Ravenclaw Christmas Drabble Exchange. This is a missing moment set just after Tonks’s outburst to Remus in the hospital wing at the end of HBP.

Out of My Life (Harry/Ginny)

My only AU (kind of). I tweaked a small part of canon in this -- basically, Harry actually said goodbye to Ginny properly when he broke up with her. Very angsty, and this is only up for sentimental reasons, as I wrote it during The Dark Ages (aka when I was fourteen).

A Different Kind of Magic (Harry/Ginny)

Written for the You’re Having My Baby challenge at SIYE. Ginny finds out she’s pregnant, but Harry receives the news before her and therefore has to tell his wife. This was my first ever story at MNFF. It was written when I was thirteen, and it definitely shows.

A Different Kind of Magic 2: Parenthood (Harry/Ginny)

A sequel, obviously, to A Different Kind of Magic. Ginny goes into labour, and both Harry and Ginny realise what it means to be parents. Again, this was written from Back in the Days.

Same-Sex Pairings

The Caustic Ticking of the Clock (Rowena/Helga)

Written for the Great Hall Cotillion, this story is my only Founders story so far, and it’s about Rowena and Helga’s secret relationship. I am proud of this one, which doesn’t usually happen :)

Catching Fire (James/Sirius)

This was written for SPEW 007. My prompt was “Embers”, and it’s set just after Remus’s second transformation with the Marauders. James is badly injured, and he and Sirius realise, inadvertently, that they might just have feelings for each other. I like the pairing but still think the story needs work. One day I will go back and edit.

Flicker and Fail (Katie/Leanne)

This was written forSecret SPEW, and my recipient was the absolutely fabulous Alex/welshdevondragon. It’s my take on Leanne and Katie’s relationship from way before they were even at Hogwarts as well as what eventually happens to Katie in HBP, when she was cursed.

Next Generation

Skinny Love (Louis/Lily)

Written for the 2013 Great Hall Cotillion. Set during Teddy and Victoire's wedding, Louis helps Lily come to terms with her bulimia. This one was pretty difficult to write.

Blood and Roses (Scorpius/Rose, Scorpius/Dominique, Dominique/OC)

Written for the Great Hall Mysterious Maychallenge, this was my first Next Generation fic about Scorpius, mostly, and the trials he faces after his daughter is murdered.

Broken Glass (Louis/Lily)

This is the story of when Loulily really began. After the deaths of his immediate family, Louis is finding it hard to cope, even six months later. Lily somehow helps. It’s a little smutty. I’m proud of this one, too :)

The Highway of Regret (Scorpius/Lily, Scorpius/Rose, Louis/Lily)

Also written for the Great Hall Cotillion. It’s my one and only Scily. This is all about secret relationships and mistakes people make. Lily’s angry at Louis, and Scorpius has just broken up with Rose; when Lily gets drunk in the pub, things... happen. :P

I Will Lay Down My Heart (Albus/Rose, Scorpius/Rose)

Written for Round Two (Minor Characters) of Madam Pomfrey’s Character Clinic Triathlon. Albus has been in love with Rose for years, but what happened with them when they were younger has put a dent in their relationship. It doesn’t help that Rose is actually in love with Scorpius, either. This is smutty too.

One More Night (Albus/Rose, Rose/Scorpius)

Companion piece to I Will Lay Down My Heart. This goes into more detail about Rose and Albus's changing relationship as well as the aftermath of the events in said companion story. Probably the smuttiest thing on my page. :D Written for the Great Hall Cotillion 2013.

Glass (Louis/Lily)

This was written for the Great Hall-iday challenge for the Operation: Mistletoe prompt, and this was where my love for Loulily began.


Excruciatingly Painful

This is about how five men in Potterverse dealt with remorse in different ways.


This poem is about how Remus feels about Sirius (not slashy, btw).


Written for the Magic in Music challenge over inPoetry, Anyone? This was set to the track “Obliviate” in DH1 and is about Hermione modifying her parents’ memories.


Written for the Goodbyechallenge in Poetry, Anyone? This was about saying goodbye, and how difficult it could be.

After All This Time

Written for the Deathly Hallows challenge inPoetry, Anyone?. I ship unrequited Snape/Lily, and this is probably the only time Snape will be on my author page, lol.

Hush, Dominique

Written for the MC Kreacher challenge inPoetry, Anyone? This was written from the POV of Bill Weasley after his wife’s death.



Written for the Great Bannermakers’ Hallchallenge. The banner I picked had Merope Gaunt on it, and it’s probably my darkest story; it’s definitely the only one to have a dubious consent warning. It’s about, as you might guess, the abuse Merope suffered from her father and brother.

In Care (Marlene/OC)

Marlene McKinnon, as a care kid, eventually falls in love with another care kid, Jamal Olawumi. But he's a Muggle, and keeping her world secret proves difficult. This is definitely a story I would like to revisit and tidy up.

Just Across the Bar (Sirius/Rosmerta)

Sirius is just about of age, but obviously Rosmerta has misgivings about having feelings for Sirius, who is still a student. Written for the 2013 Great Hall Cotillion and also smutty.

Butterbeer Bottles

Written for SPEW 007. My prompt was “Juggling”, and it’s just a silly piece of dialogue-only banter between Remus and Sirius. Sirius realises Remus likes Tonks, and he tries to persuade Remus to act on his feelings.

Hanging by a Thread (Katie/Oliver)

Written for the lovely Jess/ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor for Secret SPEW VII. Katie is grieving and drowning her sorrows in alcohol and Oliver is trying his best to save Muggles, while trying also to bury feelings for Katie that he thought he had long since forgotten about. There is also, surprise surprise, some smut in this.

And that’s it! Along with being a moderator, I’m also a member of SPEWand SBBC. I hope to see you around on the forums; feel free to contact me via PM or review if you have any questions or comments about my stories!

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Stories by xxbabewithbrainsxx [29]
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Reviews by xxbabewithbrainsxx

Raindrops by Gmariam

Rated: 6th-7th Years •

He returned with a quiet sadness and a surprising new responsibility to keep him focused. She returned with a misplaced bitterness and the matching position that forced them to work with one another. Yet fear, resentment, and stubborn arrogance kept pushing them apart, even when they were meant to be together.
Winner, Quicksilver Quill for Best Canon Romance. Thank you!!

Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 11/10/11 Title: Chapter 23: Chapter Twenty-Three

Yay, they're together! And they're going a date. I love how while they have a bit of awkwardness, they're also kind of comfortable with each other too. I'm also glad James's dad is okay, and I'm hoping he stays okay :S

And James made me laugh when meeting Lily's parents, but I'm glad Mr Evans finally warmed to him in the end.

I'm looking forward to this date! (Though I suspect something else will go wrong there...) Lovely chapter, Gina :)

Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 11/21/11 Title: Chapter 24: Chapter Twenty-Four

:O And here was me, thinking Gina would at least allow them to have a date without being interrupted!

I must say, though, I loved this chapter. I think the James/Lily interaction and awkwardness was written really well and realistically, with a wintry feel which is perfect considering the weather at the moment, lol. And I can't say I was entirely surprised when the Death Eaters attacked out of nowhere -- I knew you wouldn't leave them in peace, hehe.

You wrote the action scenes so, so well, and I'm glad Frank Longbottom came to the rescue :D

Anyway, this review is becoming more and more useless, so I'll just stop my ramblings here and say well done and update soon!


Author's Response: Your reviews are never useless - I so look forward to them! Thank you so much for leaving another, I really appreciate it. I guess you are getting to know me, since OF COURSE I couldn't let them have their first date in peace. Hee hee. I'm glad you were not surprised by the DE, though, since I did hint at it, I think. Glad the action worked - I thought it would be harder than it turned out to be. Once I can see it like a movie in my head, it usually just trips out. Update is with Lea, and it's a long one! Thanks again! ~Gina :)

Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 10/15/11 Title: Chapter 20: Chapter Twenty

Gina! Yay, I love Sirius/Arlienne so much now I know more about them. I really like your OCs, too -- they never fade into the background and all have their own distinctive personalities, too.

I thought this chapter was a necessary one as it answered a lot of questions I had. Plus, Sirius got to say sorry to Lily, which was nice. And then the end... I swear you're torturing me, Gina. I really want to know who will make the next move now they're starting over.

Also, I LOVE LOVE LOVE that ending. Such a Jamesy thing to do, sending Lily a pic. And that's one of the many, many reasons James is my husband. He's so... thoughtful. XD

Please update soon! I need chapter 21.


Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 09/04/11 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter Two

I loved this! But you already know that, I bet, Gina :)

You have Lily's characterisation to a tee, I swear. And I love James in this. I've prolly said that already, hehe, but he is just so lovable to me that I'm falling for him all over again. You just can't help but sympathise with him.

What happened in June, has it already been mentioned in another story, or are you going to come back to it? I don't mind either way, only I would like to go back and read that story before continuing here.

Oh, and I loved the prank. Amazing, and just so funny! You are a genius, I tell you! Sorry, this is definitely not a SPEW quality review, but I'm not really coherent at the moment :S Onto the next chapter!


Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 09/04/11 Title: Chapter 3: Chapter Three

Ooooh. This is getting interesting! (Not that it wasn't interesting before; it was, but the set up in this chapter was brilliant in particular.)

"Stick that in your cauldron and boil it" is a brilliant, brilliant line and it definitely made me LOL. And I love James' characterisation here, although Lily seems to have a lot of secrets :S Onto the next chapter!


Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 11/01/11 Title: Chapter 22: Chapter Twenty-Two

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. She's finally accepting that they're together, lol. And so sad about James's dad! I hope he's okay, and that James and Lily finally have a good talk... amongst other things, hehe.

This is a very silly and horrid review, but anyway, excellent chapter as always and I can't wait for the next!

Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 10/24/11 Title: Chapter 21: Chapter Twenty-One

Gina!!!! I can't tell you how happy I am that they're finally getting along! :P This was an excellent chapter and a lot happened. I thought James was so, so sweet, sending drawings to Lily. *hugs James* See, it's reasons like this that he's mine (well, in his fifth/sixth year lol).

But argh! You're killing me here. I really want them to actually kiss and stick together... though I don't know when that will happen. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter -- and I hope James's dad's okay.

Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 12/13/11 Title: Chapter 27: Chapter Twenty-Seven

Yay! They're back together! Gina, it's been such a wonderful ride and I will miss this story very much :(

I'm glad James decided to heed Aberforth's wise advice as well :) Erm, this is a really useless review and I have to go now. Lovely lovely chapter and I can't wait for the next one!

Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 10/05/11 Title: Chapter 19: Chapter Nineteen

I must admit, Gina, that I loved the James/Sirius hints in this. Soooo funny.

And yay! They made up. I think you did a really good job depicting James and Sirius's relationship in this as well as explaining Sirius's actions before. I'm glad my husband decided to be forgiving for once, though Sirius definitely deserved to be locked in that room all night.

Finally, I don't think there's any reason for you to apologise. At the end of the day, it's your story, as you said, and this is the way you have planned it -- for James and Lily to have lots of disagreement. This, I think, is realistic and I personally know a few couples who have taken far longer to get together, so this is no surprise.

Wonderful chapter, Gina, and I shall pester you to update soon.

Author's Response: Hee hee - I think I giggled to myself at times whilst writing James and Sirius. I do adore them. *sigh* Thanks so much for the lovely reviews and all your support. I hope you enjoy the rest! ~Gina :)

Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 11/25/11 Title: Chapter 25: Chapter Twenty-Five

:O Gina, Gina, Gina. This is so brilliant!

Of all the things I expected to happen in this, I did NOT expect that. OMP. That's just... just... perfect. The curse was a great way of having a sort of flashback, but it fit in seamlessly with the story without being confusing.

I just loved James here. He's so gallant and brave and so very Gryffindor in this chapter, and I love him for that. I just wanted to hug him after Sirius recounted how much he'd been through in the last few days.

I think the most brilliant thing about the curse is that it's unique and it's deadly; a perfect example of Dark Magic, and a sick one at that. Imagine, being locked in your own head! Just thinking about that gives me the shivers, so that curse was a clever invention on your part.

Lovely chapter, Gina, and I hope things improve with Lily and James in the next chapter :)


Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 12/06/11 Title: Chapter 26: Chapter Twenty-Six

Ginaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I was so glad you lowered the rating -- I needed that J/L fix today!

I think this was an excellent chapter, as usual. Even though there wasn't any James/Lily action, I loved the interaction at the beginning between them. It was so realistic and the whole chapter had such a raw and real and emotion feel to it.

And Aberforth! Wow, I never would have guessed that he would intervene like that, but he had me laughing -- what he said to James was so different yet kind of similar to what he said to Harry. I loved your characterisation of Aberforth -- if I didn't know any better, I would have thought you were JKR in an American disguise!

I can't believe there are only two chapters left :( Update soon!


Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 09/28/11 Title: Chapter 17: Chapter Seventeen

Gina!!! You are pure evil, I tell you. I knew something suspicious was going on, I just wasn't sure what. But typical Sirius for thinking up something like that!

Sorry this review isn't longer/more substantial but it's time for me to eat so I'll leave a more coherent review some other time. Update soon, pretty please?

Author's Response: Thanks Soraya! Heh heh I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm enjoying the reaction, lol. Thanks again for reading this story and all your lovely reviews! I really appreciate it. Hope you enjoy the rest, update will be soon! ~Gina :)

Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 10/02/11 Title: Chapter 18: Chapter Eighteen

I snorted at the end notes LOL.

Gina, you are killing me here! I really want them to properly get together, but of course, you're far too evil to allow that to happen.

In all seriousness, though, this was a lovely chapter after the erm... unexpectedness of the last one LOL. It was well-written (as per usual) and I just loved my husband even more in this chapter. I could really feel the awkwardness and the tension between James and Lily and I thought you did really well with it :)

I can't wait for the next chapter!

Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 12/20/11 Title: Chapter 28: Chapter Twenty-Eight


ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG! Gina, what a wonderful end to a wonderful, wonderful story. I have enjoyed the ride, and I thought you ended it wonderfully.

I thought this chapter was just lovely, and a perfect end to the story, with a finality about it that I liked. And even though their ending, ultimately, was tragic, I loved that you maintained optimism for James and Lily til the end. And you still had that aura of mystery about the story as well -- just what was in that box? I don't think it was a ring, but I'm not sure what else it could have been. I shall pester you on AIM until you tell me, lol.

Once again, an excellent story, Gina, and one that I'm sure I will raed again at some point. Great job!

Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 09/03/11 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One

Hi Gina! I did say I would get started on this when I had a moment free, so here you are!

I loved this. You probably know about my love for James (hence Soraya Potter on AIM) and I LOVED what you did with him in this chapter. I felt so sorry for him! I honestly just wanted to hug him for what he had had to go through with his mum and everything. Your characterisation in this chapter was perfect, and I particularly liked the dialogue between the Marauders -- so hard to get right, and you do it flawlessly. *jealous*

I have a small Britpick:

He was acutely aware that the majority of the student body would be as surprised as Sirius had been to see the badge on his chest.

If I were you, I'd just say "majority of the students"; no need for the "body".

Truthfully, though, even if your story was packed with gottens and Christmas breaks and Moms, I would still thoroughly enjoy it. :D

Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 09/23/11 Title: Chapter 16: Chapter Sixteen


Ginaaaa. This story is just amazing. I had actually sort of gone off James/Lily stories when they started getting a bit formulaic for my liking (as in the Marauders' seventh year) but this is definitely the most enjoyable one. I love all the chapters and I want to hug this story, it's so brilliant. I really just loved James and Lily's kiss in the rain... made me swoon, let me tell you.

I could pick out all the wonderful things in this story but unfortunately, that would take far too long since it's practically all of it :) Please please please update soon -- I need chapter 17!


Author's Response: Squeee! Soraya! Thank you so much for the amazing review! I know what you mean about J/L stories getting like that, so I'm glad this one doesn't come off that way (I'm trying but don't always feel like it's succeeding!) I tend to stay off the J/L reading so it doesn't slip into my writing, since they are my obsession for the last, oh, sixteen months, lol. I'm so glad you enjoyed the kiss, I couldn't wait to post that!! Thanks for reading this, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. And the next chapter will be up soon. Not sure what your personal preferences are, but do heed the warnings. ;) Thanks again!! ~Gina :)

Inch of Dust by the opaleye

Rated: 6th-7th Years •
Summary: When George thinks of her, he thinks of Fred.

So, he tries not to think at all.

Nominated for a 2011 Quicksilver Quill Award in Best Dark/Angsty, Best Canon Romance, and Best Post Hogwarts.

Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 07/19/11 Title: Chapter 1: Inch of Dust.


I really wasn't sure about what the pairing was when I read the summary, but I thought I'd give it a go, especially since you wrote it, Julia. This was just so, so, so, so amazing. I loved everything about it; it was beautifully poetic, with your signature lyricism (I have no idea if I've phrased that right) and the use of such gorgeous, wonderful descriptions, the realistic and, at times, heartbreaking dialogue, made this story a very, very enjoyable read. I shall add it to my favourites (for once, I actually remembered!) and I will definitely nominate this for the Post-Hogwarts QSQ. :D Please write more -- your stories are bloody amazing. And sorry for such a sqee-y review :S


Author's Response: Thanks so much, Soraya! I'm glad the summary didn't put you off too much xD I hate writing summaries and I usually get lazy and just type out something rather minimalist. Don't worry about leaving a squee-y review! I love them just as much as essay length SPEW reviews! And thanks so much for the favourite and nomination, as well :) -Julia.

What's In A Name? by Midnight Storm

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet
– William Shakespeare

But for Lily and James Potter, it wasn't that simple.
Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 07/11/11 Title: Chapter 1: What's In A Name?

Annie, it seems like a lifetime ago that I beta’d this fic. But I’m glad I did, because it was a truly delightful read, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it a second time round.

The thing with James/Lily stories is that because it’s such a common pairing, there are lots of clichés that are created, so it was really nice to see something more original than the usual stuff. I loved the idea of a Shakespeare quote at the beginning — it’s one of my favourite sections of Romeo and Juliet. (That is where it’s from, right? Unless my English Literature is failing me... :S)

This is a dialogue-heavy story, and I think dialogue is definitely your strength in writing. In fact, it was so good that I only remembered the story was written in present tense at the end. You have a knack at creating perfect Marauder banter, as well as, most importantly, James/Lily banter, because that was what kept the characters in character the entire time. What’s more, the dialogue is realistic, and that made the story realistic along with the plot.

Speaking of which, the concept was just ingeniously simple and tied in with the title perfectly. I loved how you linked it back with the quote, and how the plot was uncomplicated and easy to understand and follow. I did pause at how it sort of jumped from Lily being not-very-pregnant to eight months pregnant. I just felt it was a big jump for me, and made the story sound just a little hollow in the middle.

I also think that one thing you could watch for next time is the use of words like “grin” to describe how somebody’s speaking. For example, ‘Hey, Lily,’ he grins, kissing me on the cheek. You can’t really “grin” a word. But anyway, that wasn’t a big deal, and it definitely didn't detract anything from the story, don’t worry. I just thought I’d point it out since I was your beta ;)

The humour included in this piece made me laugh out loud at times. James and Lily’s over-fussiness of names was really funny, yet so believable too; I know a lot of people who are even fussier with names. The reference to JKR’s short piece she did for charity was just hilarious, and I love how you included that. Sirius’ comments were very funny as well, and this use of humour in the form of dialogue, mainly, was good for the story’s flow. At no point did the story drag; there was always something interesting or funny around the corner.

I thought the connection between Neville and Harry was really interesting. The depiction of Alice pre-torture was rather heartbreaking, frankly; yet, the thing I liked most about this story is that you didn't portray the Longbottoms or the Potters as perfect couples as their sons probably think they were.

And then, the ending segment was simply beautiful. You had the description there, but it wasn’t over the top or melodramatic or anything, and I really appreciated that. Then, James ends their moment of bliss by demanding a name — so typical James! I loved how the whole name debate kind of became the story’s arc, and it was never overused or anything — and it’s always easy to go overboard with stuff like that.

In this story, Annie, you had the right mix of romance, angst and humour. In doing so, you also ensured every character’s characterisation was spot-on, seemingly flawlessly, as well as having a proper plot. The premise of this story was intriguing from start to finish and it was simply a lovely read.


P.S. You may or may not have noticed that I’ve also nominated this for the Best Humour QSQ. :D

Author's Response: Soraya, thank you so much! Yeah, the quote's from Shakespeare in Romeo and Juliet (which, in all honesty, I didn't like very much, but the quote was good). You've commented on everything that I wanted to get across, seriously, thank you. You were, or course, the most amazing, fabulous beta in the world. A QSQ nominationation? Are you kidding me? omg, I can't stop smiling. Thanks so much! Annie x

From Dark to Light by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •

The darkness looms the harshest before dawn, but light will always cross lines drawn in the sand.

This is the story of the battle of Hogwarts.


This poem has been nominated for a 2011 Quicksilver Quill: Best Poem.

This poem has also been nominated for a 2012 Quicksilver Quill: Best Poem.

Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 07/07/11 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Squeeeee!!!! Jess, this poem is just AMAZING. The words flowed beautifully and I just loved it. This is soooo getting a QSQ nomination :)


Author's Response:

Oh, wow! Hehe, when I wrote this, it was solely with the intention of making it decent enough for Bella not to defriend me for giving her a crap birthday present. Thank you. :)


Smoke and Mirrors by Padfoot11333

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: Pius Thicknesse is under the Imperius Curse. When it is lifted, he feels the course of his actions.
Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx Signed
Date: 07/22/11 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Hi there. I clicked on this not knowing what to expect, since I’ve never read your work before. I was glad I did, though, because I really liked what I read. I don’t normally comment on titles or summaries, but may I just say, your title really ties in with your story. And your summary was short and to the point, and that drew me in, especially because you didn't give anything away. Summaries and titles are so important, and I thought you nailed it here.

Having said that, I think you repeated the title in the story itself a bit too much. I understood what you were trying to get at here, but it was just a little overdone, and I think a few deletions of “smoke and mirrors” would do. The title arc was intriguing, and I loved the idea — I just think that when it comes to repeating your title in your story, less is more, really. This is especially significant considering how short it was, although its length was by no means a bad thing; I actually think that the story had a good length, and that meant it didn't drag and flowed nicely.

A few things regarding spells: in the books, the spells are always italicised, and Avada Kedavra was spelt incorrectly. These errors didn't detract anything from what I thought of the story — I was just slightly distracted by the mistakes to focus on it, so another read-through would iron these errors out. Or, alternatively, you could use a beta.

I will never leave Him.

I thought this line was intriguing; capitalising the “him”, which is only ever done to describe God (as far as I know) was a great way of emphasising just what Voldemort meant to him, as well as how much power he had over Pius. I really liked this — it was subtle, and far better than just stating this outright.

Present tense has always been something I love, but only when written well. Here, it added to the tension in the atmosphere of the story, and it made Pius’s predicament even more unfortunate, making me feel almost (almost!) sorry for him. Well done for managing that — I’ve never sympathised with Thicknesse before now, yet now I come to mention it, I suppose it was rather unfair of me to think that, given he was Imperiused. That was one of the things that drew me into your story; I've always been... curious, if you like, about Thicknesse, and the whole premise of this was so interesting and definitely unique. I’m yet to find a decent fanfic other than yours which explores Thicknesse’s character as well as yours has.

Since we don’t really see much of Thicknesse in DH — in terms of characterisation, at least — I thought you did a good job with him, considering he’s an OC, to all intents and purposes. I would have thought it impossible to write a story in the first person, whilst that very character is under the Imperius Curse, but I thought, again, you did extremely well. The narrative and the tone is just so, so... subservient, to Voldemort, which was fitting and appropriate given that he was under the Imperius Curse. I applaud you for being able to maintain that tone from start to finish; Pius’s voice is clear and sustained throughout.

I also thought Rufus’s characterisation was spot on. He, unlike Thicknesse, was more fleshed out in the books, but whenever we saw Scrimgeour, he seemed tough, or, at least, pretending to be. At no point did he seem weak, in canon. The fact that you drew on the parallels of their characters was very interesting, and Scrimgeour’s display of weakness was very in character and effective, so well done.

“It was Imperius, we know,” says Hermione Granger, the second of the Trio.

Something I wasn’t too sure about was the use of “the Trio”. I thought it was unnecessary and, to be frank, a little clichéd, and this really sort of stood out for me because up until that point, I thought the story wasn’t clichéd and was wholly original both in its premise and its plot. I would suggest taking this part away entirely, because I’m not really convinced that Hermione was “the second”, either, since that kind of undermined Ron in a way, assuming Harry was “the first of the Trio”. I don't think that was entirely accurate, and nowhere in canon were Harry, Ron and Hermione described as “the Trio”. I still hold to my opinion that this story is unique and un-clichéd; the lapse in cliché, really, is very minor and certainly didn't affect my overall thoughts of the story once I’d finished it.

Aside from my quibbles, I thought this story was superbly written; the dialogue was excellent, and you really fulfilled my curiosity in Pius Thicknesse. If I didn't know any better, this story could’ve been canon. An excellent read, with not quite as many reviews as it deserves, and I hope you continue to write more.


Author's Response: Hello Soraya. Thanks for giving me such a lovely long review. I am very aware that I spelled things wrong (I wrote this at 1 in the morning, submitted it and promptly forgot about it.) And as for the ‘smoke and mirrors’ thing, I did think that I used it a little too much while rereading, but see the 1 in the morning thing. And finally, the Trio quibble. Remember that Pius has been under Voldykins’ control for nearly a year and been thinking of H R and Hr as a unit rather than humans, hence ‘Trio.’ Other than that, I’m considering writing a sequel to this starring Stan Shunpike. It’s good to know all the best things about my story and thanks again for reviewing! ~Lily~