Albus Potter had what some would call a fascinating job -- working for the Magical Law Enforcement's intelligence department. But when suspicious activity caused the Ministry to think the infamous Knights of Walpurgis were up to something, their leading expert was called into action.
In disguise and out of his mind, Albus embarked on an impossible task, but when things started turning for the worse, why were his only thoughts about the one person he would hurt along the way?
This story was nominated for a 2011 Quicksilver Quill Award: Best Next-Generation Story AND Best Same-Sex Pairing Story
Jess! Months ago I promised I'd read some of your stories and now I'm fulfilling it!
Wow. Chapter 1 is pretty insane. I really, really like it though! It started off quite briskly but once the premise had been established it was really good. I love the JK Rowling esque narration style of it being entirely Albus' pov but still in the third person.
I also loved the characterisation of Albus. Without giving a background or setting him up as Harry's son you made him very likeable.
I also LOVED the whole guy being in a girl's body. I've never seen it done so well and I had to laugh at some things Albus found annoying which were also, if not your own anger at high heels, people ogling, vast quantities of make-up, then certainly mine. Anyway about to read chapter 2- looking forward to the rest of it!
Author's Response: Hey, Alex! Long time, no see. :D This was written for a fic exchange, and the prompt was 'masquerade', so naturally, this is the conclusion to which my warped brain leaps. It must be a giant identity crisis. The story is very odd, I agree, but I think that's part of the originality I was going for. Enjoy the rest of the story, and thanks for reading! ~Jess
Summary: The Second Wizarding War is at its peak. What does it look like to an observant seven-year-old Muggle boy?
That was really beautiful and sad. The child's voice was a brilliant idea, but it was very well-written as well. The part where he makes his mum tea was so touching- it's a beautiful image that this five year old wants to do something but absolutely can't. And then his poor dad comes in and sees the horror that has occurred. It was really good. However I have one (absolutely tiny) nitpick- the narrator's mother complaining about the bad weather in April- Britain is prepared for rain all year round so it wouldn't really be worth commenting on. But apart from that tiny, tiny thing this was beautifully written and so sad! Thank you!
Author's Response: Oh, sorry about the rain thing, but I wanted a reason for his mother to say it was April so we knew there was hope for the kid. I'm Aussie, so I don't know about that kind of thing XD I'm really glad you thought it was so beautiful and sad! I'd been playing around with the whole 'What the war looked like to the Muggles' idea for a while, and finally decided it would be through a child's POV Again, I'm very, very glad you liked it so much :D ~Midnight Storm
It was just another Friday night on the town with mates for Terry Boot.
That was, of course, until he ended up guilt-ridden and saddled with a drunken and unconscious Theodore Nott. When his unwanted patient awakens, Terry finds himself questioning what he thinks he knows and finding the strangest of answers.
That was a fun story! It's annoying that because you have to put the slash warning on you know that something is going to happen. I love the characterisation, particularly of Theo (who I've always liked- partly because I think that's such a cool name). Their reactions are very realistic. I love your dialogue as well- it's so real. Arg essay to write not reviews even if the story is excellent. Thanks as always and happy birthday to Emma!!
Ho, Alex! Long time, no see!
You know, to be honest, this was just the first random minor character pairing I came up with, because that's Emma's favourite. I have learnt lately that I have a rarepair fixation, and this is just a new extension of that. I don't expect the Slytherins who left before the Battle to feel bad about not staying, but they were still deeply affected by it. Add to that being 'different'... I sort of expect Theo to be a little screwed up. And Terry is just in the mix with everyone else.
Did I put a slash tag on there? Heh. I'll be sure to take it off if I did. I don't use a 'Slash' tag unless I actually have written slash. Gay characters =/= slash. It bothers me, too.
Thanks for reading and reviewing, plus hugs for the recommendation in Fiction Junction. :D
Summary: Bella spends a sleepless night because of disturbing dreams. Has she really seen her future?
I really love your characterisation of Bella. There's all the aspects of her character later within her younger self and yet here she's not evil. I really like the idea of her being completely shocked by her future self.
You write so well –– the story flows and, despite this essentially being a character study, doesn't feel like one. Thank you!
Author's Response: Thank you for such a lovely review. I can't totally take all the credit for my writing skills. I have the most awesome beta ever--Kerichi. I do have to give her a little something to work with though:D I think people or characters grow into their personalities. Bella was busy laying the groundwork for her adult life. It could've gone either way. Unfortunately, it went totally to the dark side. Right now, she is shocked by the vision of her future self. But, she's also not real convinced that the future will go that way. She called everyone who came to her a "gobs***e." She thinks she deserves Gabe and that he's foolish for giving food away to the hungry. Why would she need to change? She doesn't kill people (yet). She thought her early pranks were an indication of her talent. Eventually, I think she's going to blame everybody else for her problems. I didn't mean to go off on a tangent here. I feel like I'm preaching to the choir:P It's just that when I run into someone who really understands the story, I get overexcited. So, thank you for the review. Happy Christmas! Have a super New Year! See you next time.
Summary: In the midst of the falling snow and and bleak starry night, Hermione ponders Dumbledore's mission, Ron, and her heart. There's something lurking in the back of her mind, and it's high time she faced it.
That was so lovely. I hate Hermione and Harry, but it's a mark of how good this one-shot is that I believed it, mainly I think because I can believe Hermione is in love with Harry more than Harry is in love with Hermione. She is so sweet, and I love the way you write her journal entries. They are not over the top (as I think people are prone to make diary entries) and sound like Hermione. It's very touching, without being over the top or unrealistic. It's a really lovely story. Alex x
Author's Response: Thanks so much! (And agreed on the Harry/Hermione thing :P)
Summary: There she is. Right there, laying on the bed next to me.
It's the Rodolphus-Bellatrix-Voldemort triangle isn't it? This was really beautifully written- I like your Rodolphus's highly formal but sincere voice and the pain he feels at no longer having Bella to himself is clear in every sentence. He's very, very passive- it sounds as if he gave up on keeping Bella to himself very, very quickly. Really short but interesting take on their marriage (it is them isn't it?) thank you!
Author's Response: Yes, it is the RBV triangle, I'm glad you could tell. I regret the length, but the plot bunny appeared very late at night, and begged to be written then and there. Thanks for the review :)
Summary: Lisa Turpin is a Ravenclaw; she's always been a thinker rather than a doer, but somehow she finds herself fighting for her life and the love of her life all at the same time.
I am h_vic of Hufflepuff and this is my final for Carole's Missing Moments class
I read this story a while ago and loved it. So here's a long overdue review. The way you begin, in media res, but in a moment of calm before the storm is really well chosen, and you start by establishing a lot about Lisa's character, without seeming to throw information at the reader. One minor nitpick "It wasn't as death had never touched her life" I think there should be an 'if' in there.
I really like the way you talk about her awareness of death, and the description: "She'd never felt Death's hot, fetid breath on her own neck or heard the chafing rattle of his approach echo in her ears before that night though," is incredibly powerful, particularly compared to your earlier description of how a matador views death. There’s the element of choice in the latter, but still the same fear of the former and her ultimate helplessness in the face of it. However I do think most teenagers (or maybe just me and my friends) think about death quite a lot, so I found that statement slightly jarring although the list of the things she wants to do, of her ambitions also is another example of you explaining her personality without it seeming clumsy. The relief that now they were fighting though, I think is a very realistic emotion. In spite of Lisa’s own doubts, however, there is a confident lyrical quality to your writing, particularly the image of Flitwick being near the precipice and drawn like a magnet to death. There’s a strong sense of danger and expectation and the poetic similes you use do not seem out of place in this setting.
I have to confess that with this story you kind of had me when you said in the author’s note that you would be quoting Shakespeare and Marvell, and when you slipped both of these in so seamlessly was beautiful. The phrase “(for they had been sent with their Head of House to guard that which was their own)” however, seemed slightly overly wordy and clumsy. I do, however, love the idea that Flitwick gave them dueling advice. Again, with Terry, you have a knack of characterising him in very few words and the contrast between his view of it all as a game, and Lisa being aware of the seriousness of the occasion. It’s a debatable point which is the better response.
I love the way Lisa refers to her friends as “her boys.” It’s just an affectionate, possessive touch which explains why it doesn’t even occur to her to leave, even though she’s scared. I read somewhere that bravery is really facing what you’re scared of, and that if you’re not afraid you’re not really brave, and Lisa is certainly veery brave. And I think her friends brotherly protectiveness is “bloody ridiculous” and, whilst I’d liked and respected Lisa up till that point, I really warmed to her then. And the idea of Zacharias trying to sleep with her is hilarious- regardless of appearances she’s too good for him. And then the Marvell. I love the way that you show that it’s something of a game for one to quote a line of poetry and the other to finish it and he misunderstands her. It’s heartbreaking, but somehow typical of the way you’ve shown Terry to be- quite Sirius like in a way.
I like the way you don’t show the main action of the battle on the ramparts but the chaos that would obviously follow it. Lisa’s reactions and Anthony’s are very real and though the death of Justin is a shock, they don’t have time to register it because suddenly the proximity of death is brought home to Lisa. And you don’t have to explain that here, because you’ve already established her relationship with death very thoroughly earlier on.
I like the change from them being “her boys” to suddenly only Terry mattering, to the extent that she leaves Anthony and doesn’t care about Michael. And the kiss was absolutely perfect because I think most readers would guess that Terry is about to die, making it their first and last. I think the paragraphing you use in this last section is well done. I mean the phrase “And then the world exploded” just sits there in its own right, and then the remainder of the story is the aftershocks of that. The description of “lines that didn't belong on his young face,” is somewhat cliche, but your story is good enough that you can get away with it, particularly when it’s followed by the striking and cruel image of “shadows and angles that cut mockingly across his usual warm expression. The way that you don’t actually state Terry’s dead, but just how Lisa feels about Michael because of it, is really powerful, as is her hatred of Michael because of it, which she acknowledges is wrong but is to some extent better than the grief that is about to overwhelm her and which you don’t let us see, because we just don’t need to.
I’m worried this review is rather repetitively saying just how realistic and well-fleshed out these very minor characters are, but it’s true. Fantastic story, thanks for writing it. Alex
It is Ginny’s twentieth birthday, and she wants to play a game with Harry.
That was brilliant. Laugh out loud funny, and very, very Ginny to be that daring in front of her siblings and for Harry to have to go along with it and not let her win, as it were. And also bless you for mentioning Humphrey Lyttleton. He was a great man and certainly master of this particular genre. He is very, very sorely missed.
Thanks. I can see Ginny constantly pushing her brothers buttons, and Harry is another way to do it.
I was trying for the fine traditions of Humph. In the words of the great man himself: "So, while Samantha nips out to enjoy a portion of winkles in cider…”-N-
Summary: A short tale of the Marauder's friendship and its subsequent demise. Songfic based on "Hot Patootie/Bless My Soul" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Originally written for the Musical Drabble challenge in the SBBC.
Winner of Best Marauder Era Story (one shot) in the Quicksilver Quills 2011!
Hello! As your SPEW sibling I thought I'd pay your Author's Page a visit, and I'm so glad I did. Reading the summary and seeing the word length- this was not what I expected. It's brilliant how you can, in a very concise way, summarise the whole shift in the Marauders and their relationships from leaving school to actually becoming involved in the war.
And you're right about the drunkenness. There's a giddiness/ drunken panic to the story where they just can't quite understand what's going on because everything is happening so fast and it's scaring them. The way the story shifts completely, from them seeming so carefree and happy to the part when you say "And he wasn’t sad when Sirius confessed in a drunken stupor that he was lonely and worried and nothing felt real. He definitely wasn’t jealous when Remus spent all of his time with the proper young woman except for the Saturday nights when they got together. Peter was having the time of his life. " to then "James finally nailed Lily and Sirius wasn’t so lonely anymore and Remus and the nice girl had a good thing going." and finally "The Potters hid, Peter spied, Sirius actually wasn’t very happy, Remus and the nice girl broke up. " For such a short piece you drag the reader around a lot but this so captures being young and confused and lost, all exacerbated by the war as there's the sense they have to get everything done before they burn out. That's probably a slightly incoherent review now, but if I don't leave one now I'll forget, and this story is definitely review-worthy. Alex x
Author's Response: Thanks so much triplet! It wasn't incoherent at all :) I'm really glad that you felt the drunkenness and understood what I was trying to convey. Thank you so much for taking the time to review, and I'm happy you liked it!
They cannot keep doing this; it is only a matter of whose resolve will break first. They may have grown distant, their friendship may never mend, but something else has begun. Similarly to the sultry dance so reminiscent of their stolen kisses, drifting apart is only the beginning.
Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling and I definitely don't own her world.
Winner for 2011 QSQ - Best Same Sex Pairing, along with Equinox Chick's Monochrome, one of the most beautiful stories on this site. Thank you immensely for nominating/voting!
Huge, huge thank you to Natalie/hestiajones for beta-ing this.
This story is beautiful! The tango metaphor is so overused but somehow you manage to make it fresh. I like the way you don't force the context of their relationship- it's not until the mention of DA that we know this happens in their Seventh years.
The way you show the change from a sort of accident to them both acknowledging, to different extents, how they feel about each other is really gradual and well done. I also like the way you give them both different reasons for not being together rather than them both having the same worries.
The words you've italicised are really well chosen- sometimes I think they can be overused but here they feel very carefully chosen.
Thank you for such a lovely story, that never feels forced or overly sentimental.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I think my head is very swollen now :). I'm glad you didn't think the storyline was cliché, and that the relationship was gradually done. It's my first slash fic, so it's great to know it didn't completely stink. Your review was very lovely, and it made me smile. Thank you! xx Ariana
On the day of Draco Malfoy's post-war trial for the conspiracy to murder Albus Dumbledore, one Harry James Potter offered to give testimony. But what did Draco's oldest enemy have to say about the boy who had caused him nothing but grief for seven years?
This story has been nominated for a 2011 Quicksilver Quill Award: Best General Story.
I did enjoy your story very much! One thing I particularly liked about it is that in stories when Draco and Harry become something approaching friends it's always Harry who says "we're not so different". The way Draco said that here fitted in so seamlessly. And I love the way Draco thinks Potter is going to try and help him, and then does but not by revealing his schoolboy misdemeanours! The characterisation was so spot on, down to Harry snapping when Draco insulted Weasley, to the narrator (though as Draco I think) calling Harry a "sympathetic sot" and right at the end Draco not thanking Potter but acknowledging his influence. And the ending, with Harry giving the Prince Of Smirkers a smirk was just perfect.
One minor nitpicks:You see, he’d been aware of the Draco’s plots against him- the 'the' can be deleted.
Overall great story, thank you! Alex x
What? He can't be 'THE' Draco? A pity... (and yes, I'll fix that, lol)
I had all sorts of problems deciding whether I wanted Harry to be truly sympathetic or giving Draco a taste of his own medicine, but in the end, I thought I'd give Harry a nice little bright spot in his day, and pissing in Draco's cornflakes and making him look like a jerk in public was oh so satisfying.
Thanks for the visit. I'm glad you enjoyed my story. :)
Summary: Summary: Gideon Prewett had everything he thought he wanted, but he missed something along the way.
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to read this, and this is going to be a rambling rushed review before I beta the next chapter (which I promise I'll do this evening). I loved your characterisation, particularly of Albus, Annette, Gideon and the little bit of Peter in this chapter, as well as the detail of Annette taking that photo.
But I do think parts of it seemed slightly rushed. The part with Annette giving birth was slightly unclear, as well as Narcissa turning up was kind of random. And I thought she forgave Gideon rather quickly. But then at the end I think she defined his attitude towards her perfectly.
I love the way your Gideon is so flawed, and at the end when he says "I want to love you", although I sympathise with him I'm firmly on Annette's side. I liked the gesture of not letting her daughter have his surname. Also (this is horribly rambly) I loved the conversation at the beginning between Gideon and Fabian. It was very realistic and well done. Alex
Summary: They have been going out for a while now. They go on a date every Friday and spend Saturdays and Sundays together. Then there are week nights that are too long to spend apart, and lunches on Diagon Alley during workdays. Her stuff is all over his place - and did she really propose to him? He's sure she did. She's not so sure.
I don't usually read fluff but have just written his proposal to Asteria, so was intrigued by how you'd write his -"proposal" to Ginny. I love the fact that she proposed to him (sort of) rather than the more traditional other way round. I also love the way both Draco and Ginny are completely in character, albeit a redeemed Draco (but I think he gets redeemed so that's all right). Nevertheless he has the same confidence and smarminess of the books Draco. I really liked the line about Malfoy's emotional lives being complicated. It is, but being with Ginny in your story seems to have made him better, and at least he knows he wants her.
I like Ginny's mix of romantic impulses, and yet unromantic beliefs (like saying no-one offered their hand or their heart any more) and I think she would be an Austen fan. Maybe Hermione introduced the books to her?
The couple's dialogue was great. It was flirtatious and fun and never sounded contrived or unbelievable. This was a really sweet, fluffy piece and yes, you're right in you're notes that it deserves more reviews. I hope I've helped the balance a bit :) Alex x
Summary: A lonely figure walks down the street, long auburn hair trailing behind her in the blustery wind. She pulls a red wool coat snug around her, gloved hands tucked into pockets as she wanders the sidewalk, glancing up at the shop fronts. She is young, but her face is lined with sadness, as if searching for something she has lost. Her green eyes long for answers.
Across the way a young man stops and stares at the woman in the red coat, hardly daring to believe it might be her. And yet as she turns and walks back up the street, he knows it is, and his heart stops beating for a moment. He blinks, just to see if she will disappear from his life once more, like she did over a year ago.
This was really lovely! It's a very unusual way to show the change in James/ Lily's relationship- skipping any notion of a gradual change from hatred to friendship and then romantic involvement and instead having a whole clean slate. I love the way that you have Lily slip into using wizarding words without even noticing (because when you try to clean a slate you can never get the chalk off completely). It's very sweet the way James feels torn between what he feels he owes the old Lily and the possibility of a relationship with the new Lily. I'm intrigued by what actually happened to make her lose her memory and also by how she survived as a Muggle/ witch for a year. Surely having magical power and not having the understanding/ not actually using it must have made some things happen in her Muggle life?
I think the present tense works perfectly in this. It gives a sense of immediacy and emphasises that previous Lily/ James interaction no longer matters except what's contained within your story and the vague remembrances that Lily sub-consciously has. Sorry for a rambling/ jittery review- looking forward to the next chapter! Alex x
Author's Response: Thank you so much, Alex! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. You've touched on so many things, what a great review, thank you! Most of all, I'm so glad the present tense worked for you and brought out that immediacy. I'm also happy to hear you liked the different way of approaching J/L - they are my OTP so being able to do something different is fun. Some of the things you've mentioned might not be touched on much, as I did envision this as a shorter story, so I do hope you enjoy the rest of it, even if you don't get all your answers. Thanks again for the lovely review, I really appreciate it!! ~Gina :)
I really enjoyed this story! You sustained the present tense throughout really well, and I loved the dialogue between Lily and James. They argue for such a long time that you know they're in love/ care a lot about each other and the end of the argument in James' family home was really lovely. I did think it was rather unfair of Lily to accuse James of taking advantage of her, because I don't think that's true, but I suppose the fact that they both forgave each other quickly shows again that they love each other.
There was something very romantic, without being sickly or cliched, about James showing her around Hogwarts, the place they both cared about but she couldn't remember caring about. And I loved the story about Lily and James sneaking out, with James sticking up for her. I have to say, though, that I thought the whole hiding the engagement ring in the napkin was more than a little cheesy, but maybe James has a cheesy side :). The last line, however, was really beautifully put. Alex x
Author's Response: A very belated thank-you, Alex! I really appreciate the review, even if it's taken me forever to respond. THank you so much for the compliments. Hm, yes, the proposal was a bit fluffy, wasn't it? LOL I guess he does have a cheesy side! I'm glad you enjoyed the last line. Thanks again for reading this! ~Gina :)
Summary: Nolan Greco (OC) stepped on a tooth. That's right, a tooth. That's the reason he moved to Scotland, the reason he's going to Hogwarts, and the reason he's a Werewolf. The new professor is supposedly going to make this year easier for him - being around another of his kind and all - but with a bad first impression, Nolan isn't so sure.
I'm not sure what to make of this story. I'm not usually comfortable with student/ teacher stories but I'm kind of intrigued as to where you're going to go with this. I liked the start. It was a very american voice somehow, and it was an interesting way for him to catch lycanthropy. It cut out all the trauma and angst of getting attacked, which is good, but then there's the angst of his best friend dying. That came out of nowhere, to be honest, and if it doesn't prove relevant then I'll find it annoying, but I'm willing to wait. I think the way the Hogwarts teacher's treat his condition is very realistic.
At the moment Nolan doesn't strike me as very Gryffindor. They're quite a social bunch. Also in my experience in Britain- an American accent makes you interesting, makes people want to know you and be your friend, at least initially. The fact that Adam was his only friend just seemed slightly odd.
Your writing, whilst it flows well, does not really expand on his character that much, except for brief insights like his treatment of Lupin. Nevertheless I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Alex
Author's Response: Thank you for your review and sharing your thoughts on the story so far. I do have a plan for adding Adam into this, however it won't rear it's head until later on. As for Nolan being in Gryffindor, I see him as more of a 'Neville', someone who's quiet, not really in the center of anything, and actually more like a wallflower. I thought that since he's a Werewolf, he would try and distance himself from everyone else. I'm glad you mentioned this though, I can try and touch on this topic later on to clarify it. I've never known about an American accent making someone interesting, since I'm American but have never been to Britain (only other parts of Europe), but thank you for telling me...I can keep that in mind later on. Anyway, I'll wrap up the review response before I begin to ramble.
Your idea, that there might have been a student werewolf at Hogwarts at the same time as Remus Lupin being at teacher there, in interesting but this chapter confused me slightly. For a start it kind of throws you off when you say something as contradictory as "I really hoped that I could keep my mouth shut, if only for long enough to quickly explain what I was to Professor Lupin." There has been a new DADA teacher every year, surely Nolan expects them to be informed of what he is? Also you say he wants to keep his mouth shut, then say that he wants to explain, which is contradictory. Also when you say "I debated quickly in my head; he could take a 'no' as an insult, so with a shrug I plopped down in one of the chairs." it just seems...unnecessary. Why would he not accept Lupin's invitation to sit down? And I think you must have missed a word out when you said, "He's going to make he say it, isn't he?" because that doesn't make sense.
However those are minor nitpicks. One thing about this chapter was the characterisation of Remus. Remus does not really beat about the bush and, having gone through exactly what Nolan is going through, I think he would be more tactful. Nolan's reactions also seem somewhat over the top. You describe his own confusion at his anger well, but that would usually mean that he tries to control it somehow, which he doesn't. When he began to shake I thought that he had been drugged, or something like that, which also explained his increased anger but then you say he's having an asthma attack, which doesn't explain the mood change. I also found the comment "I was a fearsome beast, creature of the night," strange. This sounds like he glorifies his condition and, whilst it is fine to accept it as part of what he is, thus far you have shown him as seeing it as more of a burden, rather than something to rejoice in. Unless this was meant sarcastically, in which case you'd need to make that clearer.
Now, as an asthmatic, your description was very good. It doesn't explain the mood swings, but the confusion, the desperate need to breathe, the lack of focus on what is going on around you, was very, very well described. The one thing in the end which I'll criticise is when he says "it took me a long time to figure it out ". You don't forget how something like an asthma attack feels. He'd know straight away, no matter how few attacks he'd had, even if he didn't feel able to articulate it. But overall the asthma part was really well done.
Last thing- this chapter felt rather short. Not a lot happened and, whilst I can understand wanting to end on a cliffhanger, it felt like you didn't go into enough depth for it to stand as a chapter in its own right, if that makes sense.
I'm still interested, and still reading, and particularly intrigued by how asthma, as well as lycanthropy, is dealt with in the wizarding world. There aren't enough asthmatics in fiction, so that was an interesting twist, and I'm intrigued by how Remus and Nolan's relationship will develop, but the inconsistencies did seem to detract from what you were trying to do in this chapter. Alex x
Author's Response: Author's Response: Thanks for you long response, and letting me know what confused you. The mood swings have nothing to do with asthma, but I think that with the coming and going of the full moon he would be moody (and just being a teenage boy, from what I've gathered from my brothers, puts them in a constant state of moodiness (and in one case rudeness)). As for the Remus beating around the bush, I think I explain in the next chapter why that is. He isn't just beating around the bush, he actually knows about Nolan, but wants to give him a chance to tell someone instead of having all the adults in his life deal with the explanation of it. He kind of takes what happened to him as a teenager into consideration with Nolan and how to deal with him. Thanks again for pointing all of these things out, I'll make sure they're clearly explained in the future.
Summary: There are some memories of Hermione Granger's which she couldn't regret more. Modifying her parents' memories is one of them.
This was written for the Poetry Anyone Magic In Music Challenge. Thanks to Julia (the opaleye) for setting such a nice challenge; I had a lot of fun writing this!
I've never really got fanfiction poetry. I still don't really, but I think the way you've used the villanelle form is fantastic and the moment you've chosen to capture really interesting. In the film this was my "Emma Watson can act!" moment and the way you've shown in words the emotions she was feeling is really well done, using the repeated line to create a quiet insistence. I like the structure of the sentence- it's not the usual word order, but that emphasises the discomfort she feels, and also makes it feel slightly archaic, giving it an almost Epic feel, which is good. I'm still not entirely sold on ff poetry, but that's a really good villanelle. Alex x
Author's Response: Oooh, thanks for the review, Alex! I know what you mean. Back in the days, I used to hate fanfiction poetry, but then I started reading some really good stuff (if you want recommendations, Your Eyes by Nitwit Blubber Oddment Tweak x is lovely and so sad) and I got sucked in, to be honest. Now, I have three poems under my belt (I think) although I still like Excruciatingly Painful better than this one or Always. The latter was originally addressed at someone I know, so I only had to tweak it a bit before it was fanfiction-compatible. That was more of a rant than anything, but I thought I might as well preserve it anyway. Did you really think Emma Watson can't act? Yes, at certain points, she was a wee bit shaky, but compared to Dan and even Rupert (their fight in the tent? Please.) she did pretty well. I'm glad you liked the poem nevertheless. The refrains -- "Even as my eyes fill with tears of regret" and "I know about me you will forget" -- were written in that word order for a very good reason. I simply couldn't think of any other way to write them and having them rhyme, so that was the only way it worked. However, I do admit that I think there was a bit of an ulterior motive in the unconscious part of my brain to make it seem archaic/epic. The music certainly was epic. Hugs for the review. I'm sure once you read Emma's "Your Eyes" you'll definitely be sold on ff poetry, but I appreciate the compliment on my villanelle all the same. :D ~Soraya~
Summary: "Do you remember me?" he asked.She did, but she wasn't sure what to feel about a guy who had suddenly reappeared after a decade. But over the next twenty-four hours, her life was going to change, and all because of him. Written as a birthday present for the too a*****e-for-words Carole/Equinox Chick, who has been a lovely friend and a lovely role model...in more ways than one. Here's hoping you have a great time reading this. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Heartfelt thanks to Kara who I repeatedly harassed on AIM. :D DISCLAIMER: I am definitely not J.K.Rowling. Nominated for a QSQ in the Next Gen Category.
You've set this story in two of my favourite places in the world (London- particularly on the District Line and Greece) so I'm glad I started reading it. Your writing flows really smoothly, and I loved the detailed description of the Tube and Lorcan's discomfort.
I'm not quite sure what to make of Lucy. She's kind of been rushed off her feet from the moment we meet her, so she seems rather confused, although I like the way that Lucy swears a lot- it's not something you'd expect from Percy's daughter. Lorcan seems--nice in a creepy sort of way- I'm intrigued to see where this is going. Alex
Tiny Brit-pick- in chapter 1, when she paid for the gum the shopkeeper gave the price in pounds and cents rather than pounds and pence.
Author's Response: First off, thanks for the Brit-pick! I could edit that before the Original BritPicker of all Time came and read it. Hehe. I do agree on the rushed characterisation. The thing is, this is a too short version of the original plan I had for the two, much more cheerful, too. Plus, I wrote it for someone who was already familiar with my version of Lucy (from my other fic 'One Day in the Life Of'. I was crunched for time, and thus things got a bit hurried.
Summary: After her parents were murdered 15 years ago, Lilah has hated the man that killed them ever since. But will an unexpected encounter make her doubt her feelings, and cause new ones to stir?
Ironically it's 2.28 my time as I read this. The idea of revenge is one I find absolutely fascinating, and I also find Lucius Malfoy intriguing, so I will be interested to see where this is going.
However before I forget here are just a couple of criticisms. At the beginning of the story you say Lilah was 15 when her parents were killed, then later you say 13. You should coordinate this, as it's a mistake which draws the reader out of the story. Also when Lilah looks into the mirror and you slip into the first person, it also throws the story off. You could change this by simply putting the comment in italics, but personally I think it would make equal sense in the third person. Also the way you write that moment makes it sound as though she's surprised by her appearance. If this was what she saw every night she had a nightmare then I think she'd no longer find it surprising. Also the flashback. I think you could fit this into the story more subtly, either by simply italicising the whole flashback (when you say it's her brithday it's obvious it's a flashback) or just by putting a line seperating it from the rest of the story.
Your description of the nightmare, and her physical reaction to it is really well done for an intense first chapter. Like i said, I'm intrigued by where this is going. One final thing which isn't a criticism of your writing at all- your beta's note saying the writer is gay is absolutely irrelevant to the story, and not really necessary. The sexuality of the author does not have any bearing on how the story is read. However I did enjoy the first chapter and will read the next one. Alex