Hey, I'm Sarah.
I'm eighteen and I live in Canada. I've been reading Harry Potter since the first movie came out, my favourite characters are the entire Weasley family and the marauders. I know that's a lot of favourites, but I can never pick just one out of them!
I have tons of plot bunnies in my backyard. Unfortunately, the Beta Forums have sucked me in and I spend all of my time on there, so the bunnies sometimes just pass by...
This was a nice one-shot! Fred and George are two of my favourite characters and I’m very sensitive to Fred’s death and the aftermath of George, so this was a very emotional fic for me, to say the least.
I think it’s very hard for anyone who isn’t a twin to portray the type of feelings George would be feeling; twins share a very personal connection and Fred and George definitely shared the same mind! But you did a good job with describing how George would react to his brother’s death, with the not eating and sitting in his room. I’m sure he would go through a lot of shock and not know what to do with himself for a long while.
The use of flashbacks was very fitting in this story and added more sentimental moments to make his death more emotional (as if I needed that though! :p) Your first flashback when Fred “ had exuded courage and a resolute strength, spreading throughout the room like a collective power. It had been the moment they had been waiting for” oh my, it gave me chills! You’ve portrayed Fred’s leadership qualities really well here as well as in the flashback of him stealing Charlie’s wand. With this one I really liked how you had George reluctant, but then follow him with the same spirit. To me this one flashback sort of sums up their whole life, Fred always being the leader and the one who overshadows George, and George being sort of the “follower” who is one step behind his brother. Your characterization of the twins was amazing and seeing as this was for a character challenge, I really think you have a good shot at winning!
“The first few days, she had mollified herself over George more than ever, forcing him to eat, forcing him to come out of his room and be with the family.” I’m a little on the edge about how Molly treated him after the battle. I’m not so sure she would bug him so much about being with the family and out of his room. Everyone had to deal with a lot of loss and I think Molly would understand how hard George had it, being the closest person to Fred, not only emotionally but biologically too. I do see her forcing him to eat, but also knowing the fact that he probably wouldn’t eat. This is so short mentioned in the story, though, so it doesn’t affect anything, I just wanted to throw it in there!
The part with Angelina sets up for their future relationship, but I would have liked to see more on George’s feelings and how he dealt with it alone.
I like how you described George getting better and coming back to reality: “George looked up at the sun, squinting. It shone brightly, warm on the freckles of his face. A slight breeze rustled in the grass, ruffled his hair and gave him goose pimples. He took a deep, calm breath.
He could feel again.”
After being in his room for such a long period of time, this passage tells a lot of truth about what going outside can do for you! Haha. Throughout the whole time he was outside you paid close attention to the senses, how his feet felt on the grass and how the carrot tasted in his mouth. It was a great way to show how he was becoming more human and alive for the first time after the battle. Again, great characterization and also a good use of the senses to make me want to cry! :) His getting over of the loss was just as emotional as the actual reaction to his death, for me.
It was a great story! Keep writing :)
Author's Response: Aww, thanks Sarah! I'm very happy with how this turned out, indeed. My beta was a great help for me while characterising George and specifically the differences between him and Fred. I know that I was devastated when Jo killed Fred, and then just left it hanging for us - honestly, George's life must've been the one affected most dramatically by the war. I was all teary all the way through writing this. It feels wrong to say that I'm glad it made you sad too, but yeah, you know what I mean :) Thank you for your very kind words and thanks for taking the time to R&R! It means a lot to me :)
The start of this story is pretty good; it throws the reader into the conflict and immediately starts with some action with the prologue. It’s quite sad actually, but the emotion and suspense are what keep people reading! It’s a good start, though I was confused because I actually didn’t realise that this was a sequel until after I read all three chapters, and went back to reread the summary. This makes the story make much more sense!
However, even though it’s a sequel, I think you should give a little bit of background to your last story. Just throw in little snippets here and there, like when you talk about Tonks maybe just throw in “My father left me with her family when I was still a baby before he left for a mission”. You wouldn’t have to mention everything about your first story, but I think to have a sequel you should go back to the first so that your reader’s could read either story on their own. Like how in the Harry Potter series, JK repeatedly explains what Quidditch is, even though if you’ve read the books, you’d know what it is. Also, by placing tiny plot points of your first story, you’d be making readers like me who stumbled upon this one, want to find out more and read the first one. I really believe that you do need something that relates to the background of this story just so that your readers aren’t completely lost if they haven’t read the first.
I like the prologue of your story and the explanation of the war and where everyone went after it. I do think you could have worked with Molly’s character a little more, the emotion didn’t feel right for me as she talked about her son’s death, though Scarlet’s character was devastated and written really well. Of course you’ve had a lot of time writing Scarlet and I really like her! You’ve created a really nice OC here and she’s fun to read.
I would also suggest you get a beta; there are a couple of typos here and there, nothing major, but it’s a little distracting when reading. Other than that, you’ve written this really well and you’ve kept the tone up nicely throughout all of the chapters. It was a great read and I can’t wait to read the rest, and go back and read your first one too!
Author's Response: *nod* I plan to backtrack a bit in future chapters with flashbacks and little snippets. I completely understand the comment about Molly and the emotion, although I tried to portray her as the distraught mother who has enough control over herself like in "Deathly Hallows" where she duels Bellatrix.
I loved this story! I never gave much thought to what actually happened in the chamber, but you got me thinking about it, and I love what you did with it! I particularly loved your interactions between Ron and Hermione; they were very in character and seemed like something JK would write herself.
You’re characterization of everyone, actually, was really spot on. I liked how you made Neville the one to stand up and take charge, as he really did shine in the final battle. He’s grown as a person and become a lot more courageous, which you’ve shown perfectly in the short amount of lines you wrote with him. The one thing I didn’t think was very accurate was how you had Ron instantly think about the basilisk. I love Ron, but to be honest he’s not the quickest of the bunch. I don’t think he’d come to that solution so fast, especially since Hermione didn’t even think about it. Unless he had been thinking about it for quite some time, which you don’t mention he does, I wouldn’t think Ron would come up with the answer so quickly.
““I know, I know,” he said. For a moment, they just looked at each other, sitting next to one another. They were only a few inches apart, but Ron could barely stand the fact that he wasn’t wrapped around her. Finally, Hermione stood up. Wiping her eyes quickly and tucking her hair behind her ears, she glanced around for a moment, looked down at Ron and asked, “How long has it been since we’ve been down here?””
I just loved this part! It’s sweet and awkward, and exactly Ron and Hermione! I also love when she has to put her arms around him on the broomstick. The two of them together are so worried about what the other thinks of them, everything becomes awkward when they need to get close. You pulled off their relationship really well.
You wrote the two together very believably without making it too cliché or fluffy. It was a great read! Keep up the good work!
Hey! The prologue was a great start to your story! Although I haven’t read the first chapter yet, I think it’s going to be really good. I like how you started the story with Harry, it keeps it canon even though it is slightly AU by adding another character to the Order. You make what I can only assume is Sirius’ love interest believable this way which is something most people have a hard time doing.
Giving Sirius any kind of partner can turn out very cliché, but from what I’ve seen you’re going to make this story very realistic!
Harry’s character was a little off for me; he seemed too much like the boy we see in the books, instead of the man that he becomes. I don’t feel the maturity of Harry that he would have gained from becoming an auror, a husband, and a father. Though your main plot isn’t about Harry, it would have been nice to see some added character to Harry.
I like your plot line so far, especially how it mostly has to do with the first war and it changed the lives of the young students in Hogwarts. Your style is very much like what we see in the books, just with all of the added little details, such as the small flying notes flying around Harry’s desk, and the photos of Harry’s family around his cubicle.
Expect another review for your first chapter! :) I can’t wait to read it and review your take on the marauders!
Author's Response: Thanks so much for such a great review! I hope you know how much this means to me! :) Sorry I took so long to respond...please don't think I'm a jerk!! :( Your constructive criticism is sooo nice to hear as well. I think you make a great point about Harry's character, and I just wanted to say that he sound childish because he's being childish :P You'll see him as an adult later, and I hope the more mature side of him will come through. Please keep reviewing! Reviews like this make writing so much easier because it lets me (and I'm sure other writers!) know that people are actually receiving it. (And, yes, Alice will be Sirius' love interest - but hopefully you'll be pleased with the complexity of the situation - assuming I can write it well enough!) Again, thanks a billion! :D -Kimmi