Penname: OkiBlossom [Contact]
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Contemplating Lilies by Equinox Chick
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 13]

Summary: Apparating to Hogsmeade from his Uncle Alphard's funeral, Sirius Black is expecting to see his friends already ensconced in the Three Broomsticks. They'd promised that they'd help him send off his favourite uncle in style. But after a ridiculous prank, the Marauders are stuck in detention, leaving Sirius alone and contemplating lilies.

Will anyone else raise a glass to Alphard?

Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling and I doubt that surprises you.

Thank you to Kara (Karaley Dargen) for beta'ing this story.

Categories: Marauder Era Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2235 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
10/19/09 Updated: 10/19/09


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 01/30/10 Title: Chapter 1: Contemplating Lilies

I cannot believe that I never reviewed this. Well, I'm staying up all night, so what the hell. I read this a while ago when my friend, Erik, was put into remission for cancer. As you probably can tell, I read when I have problems that I can't deal with. Reading and literature, in a way, are my religion. So I read anything, and, obviously, HP was my teenage literature. This Marauder fic, in particular, took up my time when there was nothing else. That's how I found the site ... anyway, as a general statement, this is just a good tragedy turned to hope story. Death, or setbacks, after all, are part of life. That's something we have to deal with and I cope with reading ... reading anything, Thank you or that. I don't think I ever mentioned it, although I read this twice.

- jennifer

Author's Response: Thnaks Jennifer. This was a very satisfying piece to write for various reasons which I won't go into here. I'm glad you enjoyed it - or rather found some solace when you were going through a bad time. ~Carole~

 

Soldiers by dominiqueweasley
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 95]

Summary: "There are many stories between the lines." - Jo Rowling, about the Black Family Tree.

Cedrella's goal all her life has been to be the perfect Black. She has impeccable manners, commands respect, is always composed, and has never had a friend in her life. But Cedrella has a secret that is about to get a lot more complicated…

Septimus is the youngest of seven Weasley brothers. His dearest wish for his seventh year at Hogwarts is to meet the mystery girl he once saw dancing in the Owlery in the dead of night…

This story is a romance, but it is also a story about family, owls, and what it feels like to know you are worth something.

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: Abuse, Sexual Situations

Word count: 94988 Chapters: 19 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/22/09 Updated: 05/03/11


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 02/03/10 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue: Here I Am

I was going to review this last night, but I really had nothing to go on other than to say that it seems interesting that you chose to go on this idea that JKR 'had many stories betwen the lines'. All right, so the first thing I knew about this formal balllroom behaviour is that you have the mannerisms down, but I wonder if this would mean anything else for the time period. Yes, the curtsy shows respect an the subordinate woman, but there has got to be other times from that period.

So, I looked up the Black Family Tree to see if there was actually these characters within the lines. You did your research, so I followed through with a bit of my own to back up your claim. It turns out there was a Charis in the late 18th century .... English Romance.

As you bring about a party, you mmight want to look at those who wrote during this time period. It might be really cool if you attempted to actuallly mimic these people. The period was largely anestetic when you look at authors like Bronte, but it takes a rather gothic hand with Shelley. Not Shelley who wrote Frankstien, but you might want to look at her husband. Btonte ... Bronte sets up a scene in P&P (though I never finished reading it). There are many times when families are introduced by the higher ranked families and they are courted. With the pureblood mandate, I imagine people courted all of the time. Even with more power, and the right to participate in medical hospitals, I imagine this did not die out. Someone would have intoduced her to others. I see these two sisters watching from the sidelines, but Cedilla (who I assume is missing from the family tree) probably would have been introduced by a escort.

Also, look at the language from this period. I can almost garauntee you that a young woman or man wouold never have said 'scum' as an insult. 'Filth' seems more appropriate. And the seting should be more Gothic (not all in black) and have those elements of a stting to draw people in.

It's well written, but remember the time.

- okiblossom

Author's Response: Thanks for the detailed review! I will admit I have not done a lot of research about this time period in English high society (The year is 1933). Thank you for your ideas, I will definitely look into some of the things you said. Although didn't the Shelley's live in the 1800's? I have been struggling with Cedrella's language, not know what was colloquial speech at this time. As for the idea of an escort, the way I see this Pureblood society is that children, especially daughters, are heavily controlled by their parents. This choice of a daughter's husband is a very important political and social tool for her father. Thus, Arcturus Black would never want his girls formally seen with a boy (like an escort) before he decides who their husband will be. He himself would escort and introduce his daughters. Anyway, thanks again! :)

 

Snape's Christmas Carol by Sonorus
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 24]

Summary:

A little bit of fun for the Christmas season!

Severus Snape is a miserable, grumpy, nasty man, feared or loathed by all around him. But can the appearance of a succession of familiar ghosts one Christmas convince him to mend his ways?

Based on the classic story by Charles Dickens. Lightly comic with serious parts. AU warning as Snape has survived the Battle of Hogwarts



Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe

Word count: 11702 Chapters: 5 Completed: Yes
Published:
12/02/09 Updated: 12/20/09


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 12/08/09 Title: Chapter 1: Stave One: Myrtle's Ghost

Somebody threw Dickens into HP, seriously? I read Dickens every year around this time and I love it. And your parody thing? Well, I LOVE IT. I usually hate reading fanfiction and I'm often critical, but you are hilarious! The ghost characterization thing is spot on. And the whole Snape "damn the world" personality motif grabbed me. And Mrytle comes out of his toilet talking about sanitation? Do you write anything else like this? I'm going to check.... anyway, I hope you have more up by Christmas, well, a lot sooner than that. Keep writing and update soon! Humbug, my friend.

Author's Response: I'm afraid I've not written anything comic before, and aside from my massive Neville series, this is the first multi-chapter fic I've written (I hope to remedy that soon). The story's all written now (although the last chapter is a bit short and could do with some more work) and hopefully chapter 3 at least will be up before Christmas (Christmas Present is the most obviously Christmassy chapter).

 
Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 12/14/09 Title: Chapter 2: Stave Two: The First of the Three Spirits

I like this one as well.

Author's Response: Thanks! Hope you enjoy the rest of the story!

 

The Colour of Distance by the opaleye
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 15]

Summary: Past Featured Story

It’s quiet now. The universe is standing still.

She stares out across the great expanse of water.

He watches her longing gaze.

Finally alone.

My final task for the 'Watching the Mirror' class on the beta boards.

Nominated in the 2010 Quicksilver Quill Awards for Best Non-Canon Romance.



Categories: Harry/Hermione Genre: Warnings: Mild Profanity, Sexual Situations

Word count: 1636 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
12/04/09 Updated: 12/06/09


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 05/01/10 Title: Chapter 1: There's nothing I can say...

Julia,

I was going to read your most recent piece, and I plan on doing that eventually, but, as you recommended, I decided to give the ‘Colour of Distance’ a shot, for I did not want to miss anything. The blended medium s of poetry and prose are really interesting; it’s interesting you have decided to play with such a skill because you really set up both with a natural flow. The first part that has ‘Lips Touch’ and ‘Hand in Hair’ etcetera, highlights that you’re playing with style, and that’s a rare talent, especially within fan fiction, that’s style and voice. I knew you were a poet, but this just adds to what you’ve learned as a writer.

The limbo scene says a lot for what’s going on here. People have that break, a moment of hesitation before they jump into any decision. Hermione would have had this going through her head before either she or Harry made a move. No error, for there is no fault (according to most people) in simply having those thoughts of ‘what if’ when our minds wander. That is, of course, where much of these odd pairings come into play and this is a simple portrayal with a painted scene. It’s interesting you set this is in an ‘imaginary world’, sort of speak, for this is not canon, and that helps to move the piece along in a way, it sets up the idea of jumping into temptation.

I’m weaving the timeline through my mind here, and there’s only one thing nagging me, but I couldn’t help thinking this. You are neither right nor wrong, but it seems a little odd that Harry and Hermione are so involved with each other on such an intense level so quickly. They have only been together this one weekend, right? Harry seems totally wrapped up in her in a matter of one weekend just sitting there at the water. This is a chance meeting for both of them, in a way, yet there is little to no evidence that this has built out of anything. Do you understand where I’m coming from here? It kind feels that there’s a piece missing here.

The poetic way in which this is written is not flowery in any sense, which makes me think again of your poetic technique. The adultery scene is just flawless, for this is how it happens sometimes; the partner goes off for a ‘business trip’ or what-have you, and that’s what makes this believable. It reminds me of the flavor reminiscent of those ‘romantic love complex’ movies where you get a connection; sitting through reading this fic, you want – you feel – Harry and Hermione should be together. It’s adultery on a level (technically, we don’t know whether either of them are married), but it’s shown in this attractive, alluring light. The love scene was written so tastefully. The way you describe things always comes as a pleasant surprise throughout; it’s like you’re writing this as a lengthy poem.

Yes, I realise you wrote this ages ago and that I’m just now stumbling in. Well done.
I’m very surprised to find the poem isn’t yours, Jewels. You had me going there.

A very pleasant read,

Jen

Author's Response: Hey Jen! Thank you for the fantastic review. It's always a nice surprise to get reviews for older fics! I'm glad you could appreciate the poetic style. I did not really intend to write it that way but so many people point it out that I suppose it is just my style. I wanted to write something very sensual and I think the effect comes off as poetic. You have a very valid point about the timeline. I wanted this to be more of a snapshot piece and didn't want to take away the sensuality by going into more detail about how the two of them reached that point. In my mind I can imagine this attraction they feel (and more than that) to have grown slowly over months, even years. I sort of touch on that in the companion piece but I hope it didn't detract from the overall fic too much. As for the love scene, I always prefer less is more in my writing and I'm so glad you could appreciate that. Again, thanks so much for this wonderful review. You've made my day! ~Julia

 

Summary: She had taken to walking here most nights since he’d gone. The utter loneliness of her life led her to flee her mausoleum of a marriage bed for the solitude of these shores, and Narcissa would stride up and down the coast trying to block out the memories that threatened to break her.

The title for this oneshot is a quote from Charlotte Gray.

I am Equinox Chick of Hufflepuff and this story has been written for Roxy Black's 'Watching the Mirror' class on the MNFF Beta Boards.

Thank you very much to Ari (Royari) for her help in beta'ing this oneshot in super speedy time.

Disclaimer I am not JK Rowling but I doubt that surprises anyone.

~~~


Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Dubious Consent, Suicide

Word count: 1645 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
12/05/09 Updated: 12/05/09


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 12/05/09 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

I've never thought this couple was evil; the Malfoys just bound themselves to law, similarly to Sirius's brother.From Narcissa's first apparence in GoF, you can tell she's bound; Lucius might be arrogant, but she just does whatever to keep the pretense. Correct me if I'm wrong: it's Lestrange her brother-in-law? Usually that would bother me, but we know so little of his character, but clearly he's about, if not on a different level than his wife, mad. I gagged once simply because I picture him as a corpse in my head. That's just....yeah...anyway, Lucius kind of got screwed there in the end; I never thought the Malfoys deserved their treatment. It is, as you say, for protection. You scared me with this piece. I always think too much with literature.

Well done. Carole.

Author's Response: Thank you. This was a different type of story for me, for I'm not an angsty type of person, normally. Rabastan isn't Bellatrix's husband - that's Rodolphus - Rabastan is his brother. For some reason I always picture him as evil and revolting. Thanks again ~Carole~

 

Sub Rosa by DracoGurlFurever
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 7]

Summary: When Draco Malfoy reads an article in The Cavendish Examiner about a sighting of a Nundu for the first time in years, he has no idea where the journey will finally lead him.

I am Apurva/DracoGurlFurever of Gryffindor House, and this is my submission for Round 8 of the Gauntlet.

EDIT: This won First Place in the Gauntlet! Thank you so much to everyone!



Categories: Gauntlet Submissions Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe, Book 7 Disregarded, Character Death, Mild Profanity

Word count: 5992 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/24/10 Updated: 01/28/10


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 08/06/10 Title: Chapter 1: Gauntlet Submission

Apurva,

I have read through this fic and I have to say that I am astounded I have never read anything you have written. I love the explanation that you have at the beginning; that has to be one of the most insightful explanations that I have ever read for Harry Potter fanfiction, for it certainly made me want to read on simply because you have clearly taken the time to do in depth research. You really are a dedicated fan on a level that I am not, so I admire that.

The built up to Hagrid is just so well done. Why? Well, it’s not just his voice, although I have to say that surprised me on such a level. You give both Draco and Hagrid such respect, which truly says something. Hagrid is often seen as the clueless oaf and Draco is viewed as a malice character. The description either led to him or Harry, and with that opening line of this visitor being the last one Draco wanted to see, you’ve left this open for wonderful interpretation. The exchange there was well done, especially since you give Hagrid such a strong backbone and reason. I could never have mastered that voice with an attempt, and you realty studied the character.

Eventually, as would be the case, of course, he ends up discussing things with Harry. This is something that sort of bothered me, so let’s see if this makes sense. As they are older, they perhaps would not have reverted back to the childhood bickering. You didn’t have too much of that, but it was almost like they reverted back to the childhood bickering here and there. This might be an attempt to hang on to characterization, but perhaps they would have dropped it. In fact, if you look at the epilogue, this is mentioned in passing with much less passionate feeling.

The story that you build round this creature is very, very intricate. My first thought of you placing this in America was along the lines of, ‘oh, here we go,’ but the flashback is weaved in well. The one break you placed between that story wouldn’t have been something I placed there, for it’s one sentence, but all right. The whole surrounded so convincingly, and I swear this is one of the first times I have been so wrapped up, and this whole thing that you have with Draco and Harry … I bought it. Completely.

Interesting. There is some unnecessary detail here and there, but, overall, it’s so well done. Thank you for a hooked read. Keep writing.

Jenn

 

Trapped by Gmariam
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 9]

Summary: Hermione finds herself alone in the corridor after the Final Battle, trapped by two men who want very different things from her. How will she react to their demands?

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death, Dubious Consent, Mild Profanity, Violence

Word count: 2805 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/26/10 Updated: 01/26/10


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 02/02/10 Title: Chapter 1: Trapped

Right. I'm going to try this again with the hopes that I don't get kicked off. You're story sounds a bit origunal, although I think I once read this Draco/Hermione piece that was rather questionable. Well written, of course, but it was questionable al the same. Really dark.

The opening with the lone candles and the dark corridors rather reminds me of a set for Catholic schoolgirl gone wrong, which is rather cool, don't get me wrong. You had me there.

Errour: "anything, anymore should not have a comma because there is no pause.

Just curious here. Why wouuld you say that she feared the possibility of ghosts? After the climatic battle, I would think she has enough on her plate and would be mourning the dead. And as for the Death Eaters haunting Hogwarts, why would you bother hauting an area where you just got defeated and effectively obilterated? I understand you are trying to make a connection. Think about that.

"wand rape" - This is really where I draw the line. I mean, yes, I see that Goyle is rather disoriented and that he can make this action. Even if he does decide to rape her in exchange for a murder she did not commit (because Crabbe effectively destroyed a Hocrux, yes?), I'm just not seeing it that way.

I'm not trying to say that the rapeisn't plausible. I do understand that you want to make a point with Hermoine and a shocking act, but this whole again of 'wand rape' is a bit much. It's probably hard to write (I tried this myself), but it is a little too much. The euivilent of that would be a knife. And why? Do you just want a magical element? It's really bad enough to say she got raped, let alone by such a description.

Although she is alone in the corridor, there are loads of other people in that Castle. Would nobody have noticed? You might have a poiont there, but I want you to consider this: Dumbledore was willing to pardon Draco' s family in HBP and Harry was startled by his instance, so there is a chance things may get repaired there.

Where dd the rock come from? As a talented witch, she throws a rock from the debris as a defence? Why not kick me and hurt his eyes? Even if her wand slid a few feet away, Hermione's got power enough to make a connection. A rock?

Well, hrre are my thoughts. It is quite well written and you have an original idea. I would not have written a written had I not been intrigued.

-okiblossom

Author's Response: Thank you for reading this story and leaving a review. At the risk of sounding defensive, I feel I must address many things you have written about, as most are things that I did indeed think about before submitting this piece, and feel are explained well enough in the story. First of all, your opening paragraph puzzles me. Are you referring to a Draco/Hermione story that I wrote or that you read elsewhere? What does it have to do with this story? As for Hermione being afraid of ghosts, the sentence I wrote was: “. . . her first irrational thought was that the ghosts of the dead were haunting the hallways.” I was not referring to the Hogwarts ghosts, but rather to the ghosts of those killed in the battle. We know wizards can stay behind as ghosts, though we know little about how or why. It seems possible, however unlikely, to me that someone killed horrifically in the battle may haunt the castle. Hermione went from the break-in at Gringotts straight into the final battle; is it that inconceivable that sheer fatigue would bring these same irrational thoughts to her mind? Regarding Hermione being alone in the corridor: again I ask if it is really that improbable that she would find herself alone in that ruined hallway, early in the morning, the day following the final battle? The vast majority of students left for being underage, although some returned through the Hog’s Head and many fighters joined the battle from Hogsmeade. Still, it does not seem unlikely to me that they would be resting, mourning their loved ones, or even returning home. This scene does not take long to unfold; it seems very possible that only one person may have happened upon the attack. I am not sure I understand what this has to do with the rest of the paragraph: “Dumbledore was willing to pardon Draco' s family in HBP and Harry was startled by his instance, so there is a chance things may get repaired there.” Dumbledore may have been willing to pardon Draco in HBP, but he is dead, and the Malfoys literally hosted the Dark Lord at their home. It seems highly unlikely to me they will get off with no sentence for their crimes, no matter their actions during the final battle. While it may seem out-of-character for Draco to ask for help, this is still Draco Malfoy, and he is doing so through blackmail. He demonstrated in HBP that he was capable of killing to protect his family; it only follows that he may attempt blackmail to protect them as well. The rock came from the ruins of the corridor. I made sure to explain the scene so that it was plausible. Hermione did use her magic to blast Goyle away from her, but he moved her wand even further down the hallway, making that more difficult-or so she thought. Again, I must point out the terrifically difficult time Hermione has had: is it that unbelievable that even she would panic in the moment and grab for whatever was at hand to fend off her attacker? I simply chose a rock rather than have her kick and scream. Finally, to address your concerns about the term “wand-rape:” I did not intend for this to be literal. In my mind, this is a magical violation, and Goyle would not actually use his wand for this heinous act but do so magically. I can see the confusion and apologize for that, as well as any offense. I will try to make that more clear. Again, I thank you for taking the time to write such a review. I hope I have addressed your points and that you understand this story and how and why I wrote it the way I did somewhat better. ~Gina

 

Summary: Aberforth Dumbledore was once infamous throughout the land for casting Inappropriate Charms on goats. He never responded to the claims, never gave his side of the story and lived with an odd reputation for decades.

But now he wants to set the record straight before Rita Skeeter has a chance to twist things furthur awry.

This is Equinox Chick from Hufflepuff and this is my entry in the Stirring category for the Winter Snows 09 competition on the MNFF Beta Boards.

I am not JK Rowling. Does that honestly surprise anyone!

This story won the 2010 QSQ Best Humour Fic - I'm still in shock.

Thank you to Hannah (coolh5000) for beta'ing this fic.

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: Mild Profanity, Sexual Situations

Word count: 3249 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/27/10 Updated: 01/27/10


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 01/30/10 Title: Chapter 1: Aberforth Dumbledore and the Enchanted Goat

EquinoxChick,

Finally somebody decides to write a piece on Aberforth Dumbledore. I've bben waiting for anyone to do this well, and you certainly gave him a voice. In my opinion, Aberforth makes the whole point of DH. Although it was the final piece, I think it was poorly written (you don't want me to get started on that damn epilogue and how it sparls the poorest fan fiction pieces), a poor excuse to what many of us consider our young sdult literature pieces that made us want to read.

I absolutely love your introduction. He's formal because of his age, yes, but he is so tomhur-and cheek.. The name thing? Carole, that is brillance, really. And Rita shows up and he's like, 'yeah, whatever, I'm wiping countertops.' And the goats? He would be nothing without those goats.

I enjoyed the 'Editor's Notes' simply because it showed voice and your flow with different mediums. You are quite the Marauder Era writer, of course, but I like how you can expand and really get into other characters' heads. And, as you know, you never write cliches or flowery detail. You know YAL.

The trial? Did I say anything about the trial? Loved it. Well, it was not a trial played out in the Ministry as much as that line. Albus might have smiled ... yes. You did not make this angst at all, but you defined the essence of a character. I liker that you hinted at a repaired mutual relationship.

Very well done. What a picture.

- jennifer/ okiblossom

Author's Response: Thank you, Jennifer. This was a lot of fun to write, so I'm pleased you enjoyed reading it. Aberforth and his goats always make me smile. ~Carole~ PS - I think I'm the only person in the universe who likes the Epilogue - ha ha.

 

You Told Me Once, Dear by MagEd
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 15]

Summary: Her voice is firm and fiery and it reminds him of the rose-coloured past and too bright sunshine and a giggling girl with unruly curls and dirt under her nails, who says with a voice too loud and an attitude too large,"Oh, Sev."

He doesn't know why Lily has come, why her husband has let her, or what they're even doing. All he knows is that he's right beside her in the car, and they're leaving the rest of the world behind. (Two-shot.)

Categories: Alternate Universe Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe, Character Death

Word count: 12556 Chapters: 2 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/30/10 Updated: 02/05/10


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 02/03/10 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Okay. I think I read this one last night and I think I've read stuff by you before, so the style is different, and that's a good thing. I understand that you are trying to do this is a short piece, but there seems to be a lot covered in a short amount of space. Perhaps there should be a slight justification to back up what Severus thinks when they get in the car. You say that he hates James. I'm wondering what's going on in the back of his head.

Not an angst piece (because I think those are poorly written) but especially in the introduction. You seem to imply Severus is running from Voldemort. What happened there? It's interesting if you consider this as one of those times Lily and James 'thrice defied Voldemort'. The 'chivalrous' part should either have an adjective or an adverb somwhere, but it needs to be different because it sounds out of place.

I understand that they travel by Muggle means, but the repetition seemd rather annoying. It probably seems weird because of the length of the piece, but perhaps that would be lightened by seeing others in the piece; minor characters can help you set a scene, but they can have another purpose. What if they stayed at someone's house who took synpathy on them? Aren't they seen by the ooutsiderrs as husband and wife? Or even as a couple, seeing as Severus has no ring, but they are seen going into these places.

The spider thing: that is so big brother, good job.

Interesting. I wonder how long this will last.

-okiblossom

Author's Response: I do think it would have been fun to make a longer story out of this and explain more, but I like the idea of leaving a lot up the imagination. I am thinking of doing a companion piece that would explain more, but that's still up in the air. As for the continual mention of traveling by Muggle means -- that was more to set up the monotony of their entire trip, of the story. If it were to be a longer story, you're right, it would have been a good idea to include more minor characters and other scenes. Thanks for such a detailed review!

 

Memories of A Lesson Learned by Gmariam
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 5]

Summary: A young man remembers both his father and the lessons learned from a mysterious apothecary in Hogsmeade.
This is Gmariam of Ravenclaw writing for the Winter Snows prompt, Stirring

Categories: Next Generation Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1996 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/05/10 Updated: 02/05/10


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 02/05/10 Title: Chapter 1: One-Shot

Gina,

I learned somthing from you today. Check this pot: apothecary can be used (I think - pretty sure - checking the OED) as a noun for both the place and the person. Yes, I am a word nerd. It happens. If you did that history piece and I said I'm checking that reference (oh my God, that was you), I'm sorry. I hate when people write really off-the-wall fan fiction without a grounds.

All right, so obviously Snape is still alive after the Battle, so this is AU, a bit, but I like the connection. While I was reading the piece, I tried so hard to make that somebody else. A crooked nose with black hair and green eyes? I found myself trying just to rack my brains ...
incidentally, Snape has dark eyes, or the whole 'Lily green eyes' would not have been played up on such a scale.

I would have liked you too delve furrther into the insight of these conversations, if even to touch on them. It is a newspaper article reflection, but that still would have been a moment of realisation like, 'Oh, yes, I remember that. I can't believe he just said that. She remembers that small thing?'


An article from a werewolf's son is a nice POV, seeing as he is so different (not ostracised, but different) and hopefully people are more open to that. You may say he is not defined by the werewolf thing.

Completely different, Gina. I like it ... I like it a lot. I never say that.
- okiblosom

Author's Response: A belated thank-you for the review! I'm glad you liked it. It was a bit different, I wasn't even sure it would fit the prompt I was writing for (we'll see what the mods ultimately decide!) I'm glad you learned something about words, lol. I know that Snape has dark eyes, but we don't know this is Snape, do we? *innocent wink* Besides, if it were, I think he would have transfigured his appearance a bit to escape notice, and I'd like to think green eyes would fit him well in honor of his lost love. If it were him. ;) Thanks again for the review, I appreciate it! ~Gina :)

 

Silent Thanks by Annalise28
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 5]

Summary: One moment can change everything - decide between life and death, decide between winning a battle and losing one...

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe

Word count: 1136 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/06/10 Updated: 02/06/10


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 04/12/10 Title: Chapter 1: Silent Thanks

Annalise,

So, I just said that I wasn't going to review this for lack of time. I am taking a quick break, so I figure that I'll jam as much in here as possible, so you will probably sit and read this for a while. I hope you truly take the time to look at it, so that we can sit back and see what's going on with your writing. I hope, too, for your sake, that you are thick skinned.

I like that you have this ia a Fred death piece. Or George. No, Fred died and George survived. Anyway, I sound liike a confused Molly there, but I had a point. What was it? Oh, yes, the first line of your piece is admittedly rather weak. Fred runs and then he screams, 'Run'? That's not exactly presenting a powerful inage that I think you hope to convey. Perhaps you should have flipped through a thesaurus, at the very least, for it gives your writing another element.

You really do seem to lack detail in the piece, which is rather unfortunate because you have a nice idea. Detail and narration move a piece along quite nicely. You say a lot of things in one sentence; these should be explained further so that we can see your thought process. You are a beginning writer: we cannpot see whatever might be in your head, and that should be spilled onto the paper, especially in a fictional or narrative piece.

I'm rather surprised you have written so little, really. Like I said in a piece that got deleted, you don't need to jump around so much if you just take the effort to write whatever is in your head. We have no idea of how Fred feels or why he feels however he might feel at the moment.

When you say Fred is 'thinking over everything in the past' later on, it's quite a pity you don't explain what any of this is. You will, if this isn'y an obvious answer, increase your word cout and hook more readers with the smallest explanation.

It 'jumps' far too much for the reasons stated above. Your paragraph breaks are unneccessary; I don't know why people insist on making that move. If you look at good fiction writers (and there are way better ones than JKR), they simply continue the piece even though the scene changes. In any case, those marks of punctuation need to be centred. Well, thy usually are in formatting anyway.

Your weakness, grammatically, are commas. Think of them as caesura or pauses. Ask yourself this as you are writing: Where would I take a breath? I suggest you use the same technique with poetry. Your semi-colons are oddlyu placed, though I suppose you should get credit for placing thoe correctly. Read your pieces aloud.

I know this sounds like I'm picking on you. I am honest, and I make no apology for it. I would not have considerred the piece had the idea not caught my eye. You have potential with this idea. If you care in the slightest to follow through with a revision, I encourage you to do so.

Detail. Detail.

Please consider this wiith an open mind. I'm trying to help you. Let me know your thoughts. Yes, I tend to be really honest in the early morning hours, so that's part of it. Let me know what you think. I hope this helps.

Kuri

Author's Response: Thank you, Kuri, for your seamingly honest review. It helped a great deal. Lately, I have noticed that Iack detail in what I write And I am trying to find a way to write it down so that it seems appropriate and doesn't go on and on, boring the reader. That you can be so honest, a well as nice, is greatly appreciate and I thank you for it. Really. I know almost entirely what needs to be fixed and expanded upon. My writing can be greatly improved (and i'm talking 1000fold here) and without you, I wouldn't really know what was missing. I have taken all of our points into account and have decided to rewrite parts of this piece, if not the whole thing. For now, though, I have been reduced to using a mobile phone for all of my computing endevours so editing this story would be quite hard but as soon as I have my computer back, this is going to have a rethink. Thank you, once again, for your review. ~ Annalise x :)

 

The Mind of Arthur Weasley by Northumbrian
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 44]

Summary:
The kitchen at the Burrow has six occupants, Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, Molly and Arthur. The youngsters look nervous. Arthur suspects that they are up to something. What is going on inside…

The Mind of Arthur Weasley


Categories: Ron/Hermione AND Harry/Ginny Genre: Warnings: Mild Profanity

Word count: 3988 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/12/10 Updated: 02/13/10


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 02/19/10 Title: Chapter 1: The Mind of Arthur Weasley

Northumbrian,

Oh my God. This is amazing! You have such talent.. I knew whatever you wrote would be good, but this is simply one of the best things I have ever read pertaining to fan fiction. You're a picky Englishman with literature, so I love that you know your stuff. Seriously? JKR would be proud. And Arthur Weasley too? He is definately one of my favourites. I come from a family of eight kids (and oddly enough I have a similar surname if you take away a letter - but that's not important) and this view of knowing your children without 'knowing them' is quite good.

Well, you said constructive, so I'm going to aim for that. Grammatically, you have no flaw that I can see. Personally, I was looking for a recouncilation or mention of Percy (you missed him), but that's completely up to you. Not everybody ends up whole again.

Your most impressive move, N? You NEVER switched POV, for all you had to do was switch the chair position. And the vacant expression as a mask? Briliant. Personally, I see the disguising emotion thing as a talent from having an army of kids (I tell my Dad he procreated too much), and that Dumbledore would not have been so enthusiastic about that skill, but there you are. You missed a few commas here and there, but you can just go over and re-read.

Yeah, I think Bill would know ...
It would just piss Charlie off a bit...

Amazing, N, I'm speechless. Oh, Arthur's sight seems to be really fine considering he's getting on in age. Some of those facial expressions are hard to pick up on even if he has a 'trick'.
(That's me tryijng to find a flaw ... poor attempt, isn't it?)

You are a good writer, N. I'm Arthur happy. You paint Arthur well on these pages.

Well done, sir, well done.


Kuri

Author's Response: Arthur and Molly are obviously still in love (at least it seems obvious to me) and the hints in the books seem to indicate that Molly is in charge of discipline, but that if Arthur feels that someone has done something really dreadfully wrong (like attempting an unbreakable vow) he will take over. I like to believe that Molly tries to keep them all right, and that the kids know that they have REALLY overstepped the mark if Dad gets involved. Percy (and Audrey) were mentioned, but only in passing. I’d never considered Arthur’s eyesight, perhaps he’s wearing glasses? Neil

 

Summary: Severus waits alone in a park to make the ultimate choice - Voldemort or Love? But, of course, Severus can decide only when he gets there first.



I thank my LJ pals for their love, support and sense of humour.



DISCLAIMER: I am not J.K.Rowling; she would be mortified if she read this.

Categories: Same-Sex Pairings Genre: Warnings: Sexual Situations, Strong Profanity

Word count: 1284 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/08/10 Updated: 03/17/10


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 03/19/10 Title: Chapter 1: Always...

Natalie,

You know, the point of reading fan fiction that you don't have to follow the grind. Many people don't do that and they come up with these outrageous pairings for no reason. Pure putting words on paper crap. That's not the problem. I view fan fiction (much to the disappointment of whiny teens) as practice writing.

That being said, none of iof think that James and Severus would follow this path. Of course, I agree with whoever said that JKR wrote like Shakespeare in that her things carry double meanings.

It's a funny piece that I'm sure your LJ friends adored. I like that it was plausible and 'loyal' to canon. Please. The number of people who beat the whole Remus/Sirius thing to death? Really?

The best part is that you kept that characterisation. I loved that they entered this park. Not only are you touching on Snape's memory, but you're not pulling this out of your butt. You put real thought into it. We all get a laugh.

The point about fan fiction is that it needs to be loyal to the author and written WELL. Never write just to write.

You accomplished that.
Don't sell yourself short. Have your laugh.

Peeled any potatoes lately?

Well done.

Kuri

Author's Response: Hello there,



Mmm...while I do think fanfiction is a form of "practice writing", I wouldn't described it in that way alone. :D The thing is, I love writing fanfiction, not merely to hone my skills, but because it gives me a lot of happiness and allows me to indulge a bit more in my favourite fandom. :) Plus, I've got so many new friends because of it (although that is a different story).



About the canon part, I can't help it. It's just the way I function, you know. I HAVE to make it as loyal to canon as possible, and that's why I had them breaking up in the end. I'm glad you thought the characterization was in sync with canon because that is another thing I'm careful about. And I do think non-canon pairings are great to read as long as the characters are recognizable.



Oh, I love your line that "The point about fan fiction is that it needs to be loyal to the author and written WELL. Never write just to write" as there are quite a few fanfiction-writers who do it only for wish-fulfillment. One might agree that THAT is the whole point of this genre, but really, where's your credibility if your characterization has gone way beyond what is there in the books? Hello there,



Mmm...while I do think fanfiction is a form of "practice writing", I wouldn't described it in that way alone. :D The thing is, I love writing fanfiction, not merely to hone my skills, but because it gives me a lot of happiness and allows me to indulge a bit more in my favourite fandom. :) Plus, I've got so many new friends because of it (although that is a different story).



Thank you so much for a thought-provoking review, and I have been peeling quite a few potatoes lately. ;) Hello there,



Mmm...while I do think fanfiction is a form of "practice writing", I wouldn't described it in that way alone. :D The thing is, I love writing fanfiction, not merely to hone my skills, but because it gives me a lot of happiness and allows me to indulge a bit more in my favourite fandom. :) Plus, I've got so many new friends because of it (although that is a different story).



~Natalie.

 

Small Amounts of Welcome by OliveOil_Med
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 5]

Summary: Filius Flitwick combs his new office as he prepares to take on his new roles as Headmaster of Hogwarts. While he is there,, the Headmasters of Hogwarts Past offer him some much welcome advice.

I am OliveOil_Med of Ravenclaw, and this is my entry for the 'I Challange Thee' Contest.

Categories: Next Generation Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2564 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/10/10 Updated: 03/15/10


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 03/19/10 Title: Chapter 1: Small Amounts of Welcome

This was really good. I do have one question because this threw me off completely. Don't the Headmasters or Headmistresses have to be dead before they get their portrait hung in the office? I liked your characterisation of McGonagall though. It was confusiing coming from two different ways, but that's an interesting thought. I liked the atomsphere of the predecessors a lot. Snape's humour. Yeah, I always thought he was hilarious and not dark. Good job.

Kuri

Author's Response: I don't know if there was ever any real evidence that a Headmaster had to be dead in order to get their portrait painted. But maybe Dumbledore's portrait was never painted because it was never quite clear that he had no chance of comig back. But with Professor McGonagall, she was getting quite old and had made it clear that she planned to retire, and maybe that is why she had her portrait painted. And maybe even if death was the case before, maybe the policy has become a little more lax in the future, or maybe it was always a little iffy to begin with. And I'm glad you like Snape's part, small as it might have been.

 

Summary: Lord Voldemort won the Battle of Hogwarts but victory isn't all it's cracked up to be. Maybe training/raising some children/minions will make him happy...

Banner by Minnabird

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe, Book 7 Disregarded, Strong Profanity, Violence

Word count: 1188 Chapters: 1 Completed: No
Published:
03/10/10 Updated: 03/11/10


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 03/11/10 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: In Which the Dark Lord Hates Bureaucracy and Finds that Sometimes the Old is Simply More Convenient than the New

Aida,

This has got to be the funniest crcak!fic thing I have ever read. Not that I have ever read a crack!fic before, but whatever. I read this because I'm stuck on my own writing and you just made me laugh so much. The paperwork? Oh my God, really? The fact that the minion bows so low to the ground? Have you burnt down Gryffidor yet? Damn it. Sorry, I'm laughing piece after piece here. Weird fan fiction doesn't usually hold my attention. That line alone just made me laugh over and over again.

I saw your excerpt on EoM, so I was curious. I love the Super Duper High-Power Extreme whatever title. (Sorry, I know Voldemort's probably against us not knowing his name. He can't just Crucio them all? Hilarious, Aida.

He's a badass mofo. Give the man somebody to curse! Where's an idiot Death Eater when you need him?

Good job, really. All the way through. Hope that you have an update soon.

Kuri

 

How To Be Dead by MagEd
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 47]

Summary: James and Lily Potter have died, but that doesn't mean Harry is alone. They're still watching over him, and they don't intend on stopping any time soon. *one-shot*

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 3897 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/10/10 Updated: 03/11/10


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 04/11/10 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

MagEd,

I don’t usually go for James/ Lily fics as a rule of thumb because they seem to be rather cliché, but this one caught my eye. Yes, I’m not going to lie. I’m short one time and I prefer the one shot category when it comes to crafting reviews for others, but I landed on yours. What attracted me? Well, for starters, there is this line:
Insipid. Depraved. Vindictive. Selfish.
This is certainly a different way to present an overused idea. Grammatically, some people might jump on this line for not being that well done, but let’s forget those grammar snobs for a moment, shall we? I have to say that I prefer this line on the simple fact that it carries a message and drives it home with neither James nor Lily as appearing both angst, or, God forbid, landing straight on a pet peeve of mine, and that is presently any character as a victim of gooey romance. The beat and rhythm of this line drives it home. You’ve pulled this fish in with a single hook. Well done.

"and now he's angry that he has to pay the hospital bill because he sent my ill baby into the snow! The audacity!"
Right. I have to throw this is here as a nitpick. In Britain, they have what’s called a socialist government, or rather, if we aim to be politically correct, a monarchy. What does that mean? They do not pay healthcare bills, and everyone sort of does this thing where they ‘put a donation in a pot’, like the churches. All right, so it’s not like that, but everyone helps everyone else out universally, but I hope you get my point. That’s a poor analogy, isn’t it? My point is this: neither Vernon nor James need worry about footing the bill here.

"Honestly, love, I have a feeling that would have happened either way. Kid's a hero through and through. Like his old man, actually." She shakes her head at him, grinning, and lets her gaze fall back on her son. "Don't worry so much," he tells her. "He's asleep, safe and sound, and so are Ron and Ginny and everybody at Hogwarts — because of our boy.

"Don't worry, Lily. Be proud."

This is a passage I wanted to go after. You do this quite a few times, and it’s rather confusing. Not that I can’t follow the speech, for I can, but perhaps this would be presented better as an action. Let’s see if I can explain that better so it actually makes sense. Okay, when you consider a narrative, right, there are both description written in prose and that written in speech. I’m attacking style. As I say, it’s not grammar. Dialogue needs to be more sparingly, perhaps, to make a point where there is actually something to say, yes? Your format of ‘he said, she action, he said’ within these paragraphs makes me think that you needed a break within speech, and that’s good, but perhaps show more with actions or thoughts. Just curious as to why you choose to separate the action from James.

"And Draco — what sort of ass-cracked name is that?"

She frowns. "What sort of word is ass-cracked?"

Okay. Shouldn’t this be ‘arse-cracked’? In the second sentence, not the first one. Isn’t that a Muggle expression? Wouldn’t Lily be more familiar with it than James? It’s a funny line, though. I like how you have them question each other.

It's quiet for a long time. "Jamie," she finally says, her voice so soft and sweet it makes him ache, "Do you think he can handle this? Can he face what's waiting for him? The pain and the danger and . . . and all of it?"

I can’t see her calling him ‘Jamie’, ir any other nickname, for that matter. Oh, well, I can see her continuing the ‘Potter’ reference when she gets angry or something, but we have no evidence of this move. Inserting nicknames for the heck of it irks me. It’s not cute. It’s a carried over Marauder cliché, honestly, and they did for completely unified reasons.

"Oh, for the love of God, don't tell me you're still on that kick! Get over it, woman! He doesn't like her that way."

Ha! Beautiful. The rest of it seems to rely too heavily on dialogue, really. While that makes for a quick read, I have nothing to say, other than perhaps you needed a bit more. I expected more out of the ending, really, but it’s lovely how you followed through with pieces of the canon and mirrored them here. It feels a little rushed at the end. But, if I were thinking from your POV, maybe this has to do more with the fact that you really wanted a tie-in. Nice story.

Kuri

Author's Response: Thank you for such a detailed review! This story isn't really an in-depth one, and I can understand what you mean about it perhaps being too rushed or too dependent on dialogue. I wanted it to be quick snit-bits; it wasn't supposed to go too deeply or too involve too much action; I'm sorry if you didn't enjoy it as much because of that. And I'll definitely have to go back and fix that bit about hospital bills. As for the nicknames -- I personally give people nicknames a lot and rarely call the people I'm close to be their straight name (I'm the only member of my family who still calls my brothers, even though we're all now grown, Nicky and Georgie rather than Nick and George) so I tend to have characters in my story give affectionate nicknames. I can understand why it would seem cliche and not canon, though, and it's probably something I should fix. You make an interesting point about the dialogue and the action/narrative situation. I always love thoughtful reviews like this that really examine the language :) I'm glad you decided to give this story a chance even though you're not generally a James/Lily fan, and thanks again for the review!

 

The Accidental Godmother by Ruby Emeralds
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 287]

Summary: What if Harry had a Godmother? And she was a Muggle? This story starts at the beginning of Order of the Phoenix and will be as canon-compliant as possible. This fan fiction will lead to a romance between Severus and the Godmother, an original character.

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe, Book 7 Disregarded, Sexual Situations

Word count: 183639 Chapters: 35 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/16/10 Updated: 06/14/11


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 03/19/10 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Please keep in mind that I'm writing this to help you, all right?

Know that before you read. I read this because of the title. I don't know how dicey we can get with reviews, so I'll stay on the safe side. You're obviously a beginning writer. Perhaps you speak English as a second language; I see this in their writing often. Usually the title godmother would encomapass that this person knew the parents, so this is interesting that she doesn't at least recognise Sirius. Your character seems too OC without a connection is what I'm trying to say.

You have a really good idea of a godmother, but that is where it ends. The connection, I mean. Oh, yes, well, they're at King's Cross. I know you're scene, but I thought at first it was the closing chapter of Phoenix. No. What really drew me to wite a review is to say that not only do you not have a connection, but there is excess flowery detail. It's everywhere with useless adjectives. It's almost in every sentence. It's interesting that you keep saying 'dark -haired boy with glasses' when Harry's been mentioned twice.

I hope that you take this to heart and realize that reviews are meant to help writers. I know it's probably not what you expected. I hope yiou are not offended, Usually, I refrain from giving reviews because I have a really critical eye, There's nothing wrong with revision.

I hope this helps.

Kuri

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! For the purpose of this story, the Godmother that is mentioned in the title (who is yet to be identified) does not know the Potters, Sirius, or any other character in the Harry Potter canon. As the readers (who stick around long enough) will see, the Godmother has been thrown into this situation without any knowledge and without her permission to enter into this important role. Smiles, Ruby Emeralds

 

Dancing Petals by Sapphire at Dawn
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 7]

Summary: It's Dudley Dursley's fifth birthday party, and Aunt Marge has just whacked Harry around the shins for doing too well at musical statues. Sad and lonely, Harry takes comfort in the small daisies that are littered at his feet. However, for one adult watching, the child's actions cause less than comforting memories to resurface.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1210 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/17/10 Updated: 03/21/10


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 03/21/10 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Sarah,

This piece is so reminscient of that scene in 'A Prince's Tale' that it's almost eerie. In a good way, of course, you've taken a flash memory, well, two, really, and combined them in such a fascinating. I was going to point out that he was too young to show signs of magic at this age. Especially if he showed that he did this many years before, but forget canon. It's a slight detail.

I think that you captured the view of a five-year old well. At this age, Harry would focus on those things and have nothing to do but a simple task. Dandilions show that he is occupied with something while being effectively shoved off to the side. Well done with the simplicity.

For Petunia, I think this was a wonderful switch in POV, I don't usually like that, but it fits here. I can go on and on, but that DH scene just played back inn my mind. The mirroring is incredile. And the spin? I love that it is Petunia because I wan't expecting that.

The sympathy that she shows toward Harry is just interesting. At this age, obviously Harry wouldn't really hate them.. I like how you ahowed that Petunia saw him as a bother, but she doesn't hate him. You don't show that she hates Lily, which puts her in a better light. What an impressive move. All she was fueled by is jealousy. I like that she misses that part of her sister.

What else? Oh, you didn't put Harry is that 'beat you over the head' poor Harry, poor Harry situation. And the power of him handing her her flower. Well, trying to hand it to her is awesome.

A one-shot that fits into canon. Insightful. It makes you think. Beautifully written.

Kuri

Author's Response: Wow. Thank you so much, Kuri!

 

Summary:

Ginny Weasley Potter is newly married, but matrimony was proving to be more difficult than she had ever expected. Harry was nearly always working, and her dreams of wedded bliss were slowly slipping though her fingers.

And then came Gabrielle Delacour, an incidental acquaintance and an unlikely ally. Gabrielle tries to help Ginny mend her soul and her marriage, but slowly, Ginny realises that there is more to this newfound friendship than she had ever thought possible.



Categories: Femmeslash, Post-Hogwarts Genre: Warnings: Mild Profanity, Sexual Situations, Slash

Word count: 8300 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/28/10 Updated: 03/31/10


Reviewer: OkiBlossom Signed
Date: 05/01/10 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Jess,

This story surprised me on so many levels; I never expected things to happen, so it’s nice to see you have that skill as fan fiction writer because not that many use that element. I’m in that group, incidentally; it’s nice to see that done for a change. You understand the element of marriage: it’s simply continuing life after a ceremony. The phrase ‘insipid smile’ paints such a mental image and you jump right into the introduction of Gabrielle. The first few sentences of the usual ‘wedding ceremony’ might sound a little cliché, but you make it unique but adding that spin and such a visual picture. This bride is clever, not taken away or masked by wedding bliss, and, just as Ginny is often described as a ‘clever girl’, you show how in tune she is with Harry because she is just that observant. That is the expected reaction when a workaholic, even if he or she does this with good intentions, lives in the office and forgets the other life they have promised to live with their family.

Just as a characterization thing, I don’t know, but I reread this to make sure that I had this right. Kingsley Shacklebolt acts as the one who conducts the wedding ceremony. Isn’t he the newly elected Minister of Magic? I’m a little curious as to why you chose him. You usually are spot on with characterization and exploring its limits, but this seems a little off. I did not catch this in the first read. Kingsley most likely would have attended the wedding ceremony. Harry probably was his most promising Auror in the reshaping of the Wizarding world, but why would he go out of his way to do this? Kingsley comes across as a reserved man, only getting involved and adding his opinion when strictly necessary. It’s usually insightful. I’m curious as to what you think.

Tying in the ‘phlegm thing’ made me giggle a little. Just reading through that sentence, I thought, ‘Ginny said that,’ and you allude to that in the following lines. Your word choice seems a little weird at times, sometimes it almost sounds as though it can be reversed in phrases like: ‘treacherous mind silently replied’ (although JKR often messes up on placing personification, so you might want to keep this). There are others here and there, but a quick reread, as you know I always suggest reading things out loud, will clean this up a bit. It’s impressive that you have Gabriele stand up for Ginny and chew Harry out a bit. You know, I’m sure some people wondered why she wouldn’t appeal to Hermione, but that would put her in an odd position. Putting Harry ‘in his place’ is an interesting move, for you do not overwrite as the amazing genius called Harry Potter; this is a new, very realistic side to him as character development, and it makes perfect sense with balancing a new family and career.
The entire piece follows a line that is completely logical, at least when you consider marriage and the real life of it not being all that gooey romance. The love scene, simple, sprinkled with hints, shows your talent at presenting a story and weaving it through canon to make it plausible to the storyline. People forget their lives; they forget these are the simple things that matter in a relationship. I don’t usually go for stories that follow this slash theme, not because I stray away from it, but because it usually carries no reason for why the author presented it in such a light. The theme of companionship makes me think of the whole concept of ‘love’ pleases me to no end.

Well done.

Very well written,

Jen

Author's Response:

Thank you so much for hte review! I always wished that this one got more reviews, because it really is something that I worked hard to make realistic and plausible.

I chose Kingsley as the presiding minister, because although he is the MoM, Harry is also his friend and the resident savior of the world, so it's not a stretch to think that he might do that. At least not in my mind anyway. Plus, where I have this taking place, Ginny is 23, Harry is 24, and Gabby is 18. The battle had been over for almost 7 years, so by this time, Kingsley had already acclimated to his role as MoM. 

I'm not really sure what you mean by the language, because it's meant to be like that during the narration. That's just the way I write. I don't, of course, write that way during speech, but it is my style. I don't know what you mean by the line that you cited, the 'her treacherous mind silently replied' and how that doesn't fit in. There really is no other way to phrase it that is accurate, and I didn't use any flashy words, because that is exactly what I'd meant to say. Maybe if you gave me a further example, I could look at it and maybe improve upon it if possible.

 

As a matter of interest (or not...you might care), that 'break' that Harry took off of work at the end, this is when I imagined that James was conceived, which helped Ginny move on from her affair.

Well, anyway, if you have any more questions, you know where to find me, and I shall endeavor to give you the best answers I can. Thank you again for reviewing. :D

Jess

 
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The Weird Sisters - B-Sides and Rarities, Vol. 1 by minnabird 1st-2nd Years
Welcome back to another rousing round of rambunctious rock!However, a new act...
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