So welcome to this little bio about me. So for starts, I'm obviously a fan of Harry Potter if I'm here, and I have been in love with this series for nine years now, yikes what a long time. I love to read fanfictions, also tend to write them every once in a while.
Also, I am a beta reader, accredited through perfectimagination: 5604525634 if you wish to verify this. Anytime I read a fanfiction on here, I naturally correct mistakes along the way, so my apologies in advance. I'm currently offering my services as a beta, in which you can contact me via email for this.
The green light hit Harry square in the chest and he stumbled backward. He looked at Voldemort for one last long second, delighting in his look of complete shock and horror, and then felt all of his senses shut down. If I'm not mistaken, I believe it should be delighted and not delighting. Only "mistake" I could find throughout this passage. Overall, I really liked it. The fight with Voldemort and Harry in book seven always disappointed me. I was looking for something more epic. So far, I'm disappointed too with how Harry didn't even put up a fight in this. Of course, I don't know what's gonna happen until I read the second chapter, and the other ones in the future. Good job with this. I like your style.
He’d leave it there.
He would leave it there. He did leave it there. Neither make sense and aren't correct either. You'd want to make it past tense to he left it there. Only mistake I found.
So now we get to the fun comments where grammar can't get in the way. Since I pointed out the only mistake I could find, you get to go through the best part, what I loved and enjoyed about this chapter, something I bet you're just dying to read. Hm. So yeah...
Kingsley was always one of my favorite characters ever since his introduction. I often try to role play as him, or create a character that somewhat mirrors his persona. I loved how you depicted Kingsley. I also had the vibe that allowed me to compare him to Dickens' Scrooge. And in fact, this sort of reminds me of that in some ways more than others. The fact that he's grumpy during the holiday season and how it relates to losing his greatest love. In fact, that was something Scrooge realized as well, but the only way these two characters differ is that Kingsley isn't in love with his wealth like Scrooge. But of course, I don't know all that much yet since I'm only on the first chapter.
I loved how you kept Harry and Ron as their natural immature-ish self. Classic. And the fact that they aren't going to give up on Kingsley either, makes me want to know more of this. It's the holiday season, and the fact that Harry and Ron want to keep a close eye on him so he doesn't go blow everyone up made me chuckle a bit. Great job. Going on to chapter two. =)
Author's Response: I fixed that. Thanks.
Kingsley has really started to grow on me over the last little while. I'm not sure why, but I'm very attached to him these days.
I can't imagine Harry and Ron being anything but immature really. I thought Kingsley blowing things up was a nice touch. :P
Thanks for reviewing.
His eyes fixed on Elysia, and he saw nothing else.
To me, that sounded a bit awkward. Hm. Maybe rewording it a bit? I dunno. But it wasn't that big enough for me to stop reading or anything. I figured, hey, why not point it out and make a simple note about it?
Other than that, I loved how you went to an immediate flash back about her. It's actually brilliant. And so far you're getting me very intrigued with the story line. I mean, I never pictured Kingsley having a weak spot for someone like that, and you made it seem so realistic, so flawless as you described it.
And from what I said about Scrooge in my chapter one review, looks like that's no longer viable, for there was no greed involved or anything. But the idea behind it is still the same. Sooooo off we go to chapter three. See you in a bit!
Author's Response: I wasn't sure about the flashbacks, at first, but I thought they were the only way to really tell the story. I don't think anyone could really understand Kingsley's love for Elysia without seeing it. So I showed some of their more important relationship moments so the reader could see where Kingsley was coming from.
Thanks for another lovely review.
Back to the present, and once again flawless with the transaction. I enjoy how smooth that occurs. I'm glad that I'm not confused having to try and figure out if I'm reading about the past or present. It's just so simple.
And you're probably going to think I'm weird making another reference to yet another book. But when I'm reading this, I'm also reminded of Wuthering Heights in a way. I think it's because of the fact that the time shift occurs so much and how Kingsley has changed, though I don't know exactly what he did yet to make her turn away from him. Another mystery waiting to unfold.
I hope Kingsley doesn't get his heart broken in the end. I thought it was très romantique of Kingsley to send her a bouquet of red roses to her every single day. I can't imagine any girl saying no to a gesture as wonderful as that.
Author's Response: Yay! I'm glad the transitions are working well. :D
The roses. LOL. I ended up really loving the idea, but it started because of the contest prompt. Someone was supposed to do something amusing the win the love of the other. At first, it was just all I could come up with to fit the prompt, but afterwards, I got really attached to the idea.
Thanks for another lovely review!
If only it was easy to fall in love like that. I envy what Kingsley has. If only I were that lucky with the people I like.
I'm getting a couple of theories in my head about what's going to happen to make Elysia drive Kingsley away. I'm going to reveal one of them as an educated guess. I think something's going to happen with Bella that's going to make her side with her best friend, and Kingsley isn't too happy about it because it's serious...or something. Well the only way to know is to keep on reading...xD
Author's Response: Kingsley and Elysia have something special. Something that I really doubt is very common.
Well, I know you've read enough to know why Elysia leaves Kingsley. I won't say more than that in case someone is reading these reviews who isn't that far into the story.
Thanks for another lovely review. :D
Aww poor Kingsley! I was thinking about how expensive it was going to be for him to send those roses every day. I was so hoping that he would have gotten an answer from her. But noooo. I wonder what Kingsley did that was so serious. And of course stupid Ron has to be so naive to his feelings. Good thing Harry's there to put him in shape. I thought it was funny how Harry mentioned the whole weight thing, I dunno, I just thought it was.
I hope Kingsley gets what he wants. It's gonna suck going to something alone like that, especially a ball. I hated going to prom last year on my own, sat around for four hours and dancing like...once. blah.
Author's Response: Yes, poor Kingsley. Elysia was slow in responding to him. She needed time to make the right decison. He did sort of just show up out of the blue, burying her in flowers.
The weight thing was very random. I wanted the conversation to return to normal, showing Harry and Ron were making an effort not to dwell on Kingsley's problems. But I do like to get some digs in at Ron whenever I can. :p
Thanks for another lovely review.
It would also be they’re first night together after she graduated from school.
Wrong use of they're. The way you used it means that they are first night, which doesn't make sense. Instead you want their.
Their lips meant.
Simple typo. You want met.
Kingsley can cook!?!?! So cool. I wish I could cook, then I could be one of those guys that can impress a girl that way. haha right.
I enjoy how lovey-dovey they are. I'm soon approaching the chapter where I find out what happens though, I'm sensing it because of the name of the chapter, Kingsley's Worse Day...kinda nervous about that. But the show must go on!
Author's Response: Errors fixed. Thank you.
Kingsley can cook. He lives alone and needed to learn. Of course, if I lived alone everything would be about the microwave, but that's just me.
I rather enjoy their lovey-doveiness as well. They're cute.
Thanks for another lovely review.
O...M...G!!! SHE MADE IT! SHE MADE IT! SHE MADE IT! YAY! Go Kingsley! Go get that girl!
Haha, sorry, I was a little bit excited. Just a LITTLE. Not like I was attached to the story or anything...
But of course, I want to point out something. I think Kingsley would be someone who knows what the Grinch is, only because he's a half blood, just like Harry, but that also depends on the condition of his childhood.
Author's Response: LOL. Of course, she made it. I'm not that mean.
I really didn't know how much knowledge Kingsley would have of the Grinch, so I left him out of the converstation completely. He doesn't care what they're talking about anyway. He's miserable and moping. So I doubt he'd bother to comment.
Thanks for reviewing!
Fair warning...ranting time.
KINGSLEY YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING IDIOT! What did you expect to happen if you leave files out in the open like that! GOODNESS GRACIOUS! I thought you were smarter than that. I looked up to you SO much. BUT nooo you blew it! YOU BLEW IT! You were working on Bella when you said you would understand that Elysia would love and stay with her no matter what. IDIOT!
But BAM! I so called it. I CALLED IT! *dances* I feel smartyful for calling it right. Of course, I called part of it right in all fairness and not all of it.
But poooooor Kingsley. You broke her heart.
And now I got to wait. So not cool.
Author's Response: *hugs poor Kingsley*
He was stupid, but he really just wasn't thinking. He'd been working so hard. All he wanted was time with Elysia. They were only seeing each other when she could sneak away from her family. Anyway, he was so excited when she arrived that he forgot how bad the files would look to her. Stupid, but I thought understandable.
As for investigating Bella. He didn't really listen or understand what Elysia told him. He knew that she was decent person. Therefore, he assumed that she would eventually turn on Bella as she got worse and worse. To an extent, he was right. She left Bella, but she also left him. She just never stopped loving them.
Well, you knew it was about Bella. Congrats.
Yes, poor Kingsley. Not a good night for either of them.
Thanks for all the wonderful reviews. I really do appreciate it. :D:D:D
There were angels singing and gorgeous surroundings—the typical view of heaven, but there was nothing to make him happy only things to make his sad.
Simple typo. It should be only things to make him sad.
The Head Halo will review your case and decide if you shall be grated access to the living world.
You want to use granted instead of grated.
So here and there I found a few grammatical mistakes, nothing too much that I'm picky about. As for the chapter itself, interesting. I don't foresee it being a lengthy novel at the moment. But I will keep reading.
Author's Response: I fixed the errors. Thanks. And no, it's not a long story. There's only one chapter left.
Rather or not she thinks things can improve without your visit.
Rather wouldn't be the best word choice here. Instead you would want to consider 'whether'.
Despite the beauty of the room, it all paled in comparison to the woman seated on the chair.
I get what you're trying to say there, but it's really awkward to me without the word was before all.
There was one huge error I found in this. You stated in the previous chapter that this all took place six months after he died. Or did I not see the leap in time? Because if this was taking place six months after he died, his mother wouldn't have died years ago since she was alive when Cedric died. Also, personally, I think a little more drama could have been used to escalate to the Head Halo's decision. Other than that, I feel that this chapter was better than the first, and I'm happily waiting for more.
Author's Response: Whoops! I haven't had that many errors for a long time. *headdesk* Anyway, thank you for pointing them out. I've fixed the minor issues.
About Cedric's mother, this is bad, but I used the GOF movie as a guide. As an ex-mod, I should've known better. I just really didn't like that book, and apparently don't remember the canon from it overly well. Anyway, I like the idea of Amos being alone so I've decided to leave the story as is and include an AU warning. I do apologize for making such a ridiculous mistake. Maybe my brain hasn't fully retruned from my fanfiction vacation.