I am a science major in college, which means instead of spending all my free time writing, which I used to do, I instead spend it pouring bubbling liquids into beakers and laughing maniacally whilst plotting the end of the world.
If you were interested, statistics have shown that by the time we run out of fossil fuels, America will be 60% hispanic. Cool!
Visit my website if you don't get offended easily and PM me with anything you want! I love talking to people!
Summary: Love a duck! Will he stop at nothing? Voldemort is rapidly taking over, and his Death Eaters are killing Muggle-borns every day. The good news? A mysterious man, known only as The Phoenix, is rescuing people in the nick of time all over England.
Meanwhile, newlywed writer Lily Potter has troubles of her own. For one, her marriage is not turning out to be as great as she'd thought... for another, she's been blackmailed by an old "friend" into turning spy and discovering the Phoenix's true identity.
Thrills, spills, laughs, gasps, song lyrics, and good old swashbucklin' intrigue.
Inspired by Baroness Emmuska Orczy's excellent novel, "The Scarlet Pimpernel," and Frank Wildhorn and Nan Knighton's AMAZING musical by the same name.
But if you're not familiar with either, the story's just all the more suspenseful! All song lyrics used in this story are based on those by Wildhorn and Knighton
Here's the last verse of shaving cream translated into Dutch and back:
And now, this here song has, the gebeëindigd. I think it time am I would have stop with. As no matter which of you offended feel, Plak your head in a bucket of… SHAVING CREAM! Nice and clean are! Shave each day and you will look at always sharply!
I want to know how to plak my head.
Author's Response: Hahahaha! That s absolutely amazing. I should walk up to someone and say, "Oi, you! Plak your head!"
Pride and Pre-Juiced Plums: A Potter's Pentagon Love Story by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 266]
Summary: A companion piece to the Potter's Pentagon trilogy... it's better if you've read the Potter's Pentagon trilogy, but you don't necessarily have to.
It's five years after Emma Weasley and her chums graduated from Hogwarts. Ted and Ivy are married, Haley is working at Madame Puddifoot's while trying desperately to break into show business, Jordan's doing whatever it is he does, and Emma is an Auror trainee working as a guard at the Chudley Cannons' stadium. The Cannons have actually been doing much better lately, due to their new star Beater, Tyrone Thomas. Unfortunately, Tyrone is Emma's ex-boyfriend. OH, THE AWKWARDNESS.
Follow Emma through her awkward adventures told in her usual insane way, as she experiences angst, hilarity, obnoxiously strange people, misadventures involving a deceptively dashing cad, Haley's wedding, the birth of Ted and Ivy's baby, and her own eventual descent into LURRRVE.
Written for the marvellous Vindictus Viridian's Pride and Prejudice NEWTs class on the Fanfiction Beta Boards, based on Jane Austen's fantastic novel, "Pride and Prejudice.".
Nominated in the 2008 Quicksilver Quills Awards for Best Non-Canon Romance Story! And its lovely (haha) heroine, Emma Weasley, received two nominations for Best Female Original Character, while Haley Potter and Ivy Potter each received one! Thanks so much, guys!
I KNEW HALEY WOULD BE LYDIA I JUST KNEW IT.
-Angry pterodactyl Maggie
Author's Response: OH DEAR. I'm sorry for turning you into pterodactyl. I was once a pterodactyl... according to Wikipedia. But that sentence got edited out. I'm afraid that's not a joke; I have a screenshot saved for posterity. :)
My abs' names are Dopey, Grumpy, Doc, Sleepy, Sneezy, and Sleazy.
I LOVE THIS CHAPTER. I love the piano. (although that was last chapter.) I love Tyrone! I love Ron.
My only complaint was that there has not been a sighting of Anatoly Capshaw in THIS ________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________
Author's Response: YAAAY, thank you, Maggie! (And it's nice to see Tyrone's facebook friends on here... oh yeah, MNFFers... Tyrone has his own facebook account now. He's the only Tyrone Thomas who's a part of the Hogwarts network, I believe.) Unfortunately, you still won't see Anatoly in quite some time... his part in this story is very small, but he does have quite a dramatic scene later in the story! But he almost wasn't in this story at all, so I'm glad I wove him in!
Summary: It is nighttime and I alone am wakeful. My restless mind wanders far afield, and so it is only natural that my body will follow.
A story of waking and wandering, of seeking and finding peace.
A post-Hogwarts story.
I love Teddy, and I really like how much you put into his character in this story. A lot of authors either make him exactly like his parents or exactly like Harry, and I don't think that's true at all. I love the reflections in the story. Good work. Me gusta :)
Author's Response: Thank you! This is one of my favorite stories to write.
Summary: The final installment in the Potter’s Pentagon Trilogy. Read “The Five” and “The Truth” first, myess? Okay!
WARNING! Contains Muggle adventures in Diagon Alley, unusual eyebrows, cheesy clichés galore, psycho Ted, the not-so-lost years of Merlin, a school-wide singalong, the old potato joke, Tyrone’s Princess Bride obsession, Emma’s stubborn denial of the existence of Tyrone’s mustache, a graphic death, a joke shop product as a major plot device, hobo Jordan, Jordan hugging, Jordan pulling pranks, time travel, the Love Shack, angst, and worst of all, Professor Zabini.
It’s the sixth year for Potter’s Pentagon and company, and our heroes learn that in the wizarding world, coming of age has a somewhat weightier significance. Students are busy with an Inter-House Unity Project, Jordan is having weird dreams, Pansy and Ophidias Malfoy have been released from Azkaban, Professor Zabini has a mysterious project of his own, and almost everyone is acting strangely. Meanwhile, at the Ministry of Magic, a man with a vendetta against Ron Weasley is trying his hardest to get him in the biggest trouble possible. Is the only way to save him to travel into the past?
New talents are discovered, new friendships form and old ones change, pasts are dredged up, and, of course, there’s lots of good old-fashioned snogging. And one of the five kills for the first time… while another becomes a casualty of war.
Starring 2008 Quicksilver Quills Best Male Original Character runner-up Jordan Potter, Best Female Original Character nominees Ivy Potter, Haley Potter, Emma Weasley, and Giorgi Anderson, and Best Male Original Character nominee Ted Lupin! Nominated for 2008 Quicksilver Quills Best Post-Hogwarts Story.
I was clicking and reclicking on Post Hogwarts all week to see if you'd update :)
Tyrone Thomas was foaming at the mouth.
...solely for this reason.
*mourns the missing anatoly capshaw*
I love him too much to go a chapter without him!
Can I just say, I totally connected with Emma this chapter? She was like... me, on Bad Mood Bear days.
And um... Star Trek= love.
Author's Response: Haha, I promise I updated long ago... it just took awhile for the chapter to go through! And don't you fear, Anatoly will have a MAJOR presence in the next chapter! Yeah, Emma is totally me in a terrible mood, only she says out loud what I only say in my head. I always hated the series Star Trek, but I LOOOOOOVED the movie! I've seen it twice! And I <3 Spockykins.
This. Was. Great.
From the Jorjy Porjy to the circle of love to the emotional quidditch breakup, this may have been one of my favorite chapters yet.
The circle of love totally reminded me of the show I'm in right now... it's Don Quixote, but set on a farm, so it's Donkey Xote. De la granja. I'm a chicken. There's a song of love and bravery at the end. Tis great.
My Potter's Pentagon OTP= Anatoly/Me.
Author's Response: Hey, Maggie! I am SO glad you liked this chapter, because I worried it was much too treacly... but that's what I like, bahaha! Oh my gosh, Donkey Xote is like the funniest thing I have ever heard. You know, when Shrek the Musical was first on Broadway, they had all of these billboards for it that parodied famous Broadway musical posters, and one of them was Donkey Xote. But now I suddenly want to do that show. Dang. Is there a song that's like "To eeeeeeat the impossible graaaaain?" Because that would be awesome. And it makes me happy that you like Anatoly. He is a sweetheart.
This is my favorite series.
PS, you're amazing.
PPS, I walked around singing Skull and Snake yesterday and it got on everyone's nerves, except mine.
PPPS, I am so totally Emma.
Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much! And I am shocked and flattered that you sang my Les Mis spoof song, because that story is my least popular one on the site... it didn't get many reviews at all. So thank you!
SCHMERGO FRIEND ME ON FACEBOOK!!!!!
Erm, please. *shuffles off to email*
Anyway, can I just say that Jordan is totally the love of my life after Anatoly?
And I'm really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really REALLY mad at Smith-Smythe and Poopyface. That is what I will call them from now on.
Also, way to warn me that this had been updated, Favorites List Emails! *shakes fist*
I just got back from a coffeehouse-type thing at my theater, so I'm a little hyper at the moment...
hmm hmmm hmm hmm hmmm...
My favorites list:
...Yeah. I will marry them, in reverse order, and my life will be filled with splendid bliss.
Author's Response: I WILL FRIEND YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE AWESOME! And I am so glad that you like Jordan and Anatoly, because I definitely like them, too. It makes me happy when people like my characters... it makes me feel like I have popular children! And you know what, Poopyface is such a perfect name for Bellowes, I might have to start using it myself. Like Lord Kookooface from those Madeline books. Good luck with your four spouses!
Children teaching parents how to be brave: Fantastic
Anatoly showing everyone what's up: PRICELESS.
Haley falling off a roof: WHAT THE EXPLETIVE????????????????????????????????
All in all, great cliffhanger. I will now be on the edge of my seat throughout the first week(s) of college. THANKS, SCHMERGO. THANKS A LOT.
I missed Anatoly! He's so awesome.
Author's Response: I got the thing about Ted's name from, of all things, The Emperor's New School. Kuzco's trying to make up a name for his best friend, and he sees a bowl and a llama, so he says, "Brad Bowl-Llama." For some reason, I thought that was like the funniest thing ever.
And I love Anatoly. I'm not sure why, but he's one of my favorites! And I'm sorry about throwing Haley off a roof, but... come on, it's kind of been hinted at for awhile that this would happen... I feel so guilty, though...
Um, I totally dated a guy EXACTLY LIKE Anatoly in 8th grade, except he was nowhere near as funny or cool.
And AAAAAAAAAAHHHH TED!!!!!!!
Author's Response: Ooh, well now I'm intrigued! I think you need to tell me all about this ex of yours now! Specific examples would be lovely, too....^_^
His name was Robert, and he was like 6 feet tall (I am 5'4" now but in 8th grade I was a measley 4'11") and he was absolutely obsessed with all things musical. He tried to convince our teacher to do Les Mis as our class play, and he would be Valjean, and when that didn't work out, he tried for 1774, and he would be John Adams, and our teacher reminded him that John Adams was 5'3", and so we ended up doing The Tempest, and he was Prospero, and he SUCKED. But he had long blonde hair and he was really pimply all over and he liked to sneer at people and he was always trying to come up with ways to get out of classwork, and he was really good at juggling (especially knives), and none of the boys liked him because he was always singing and arguing with our teacher about class governance, and none of the girls liked him because he was pimply and 6 feet tall, but he was actually pretty funny, and he had really good taste in musicals. And now he goes to a farm school in Vermont, and he's 6'5", and his hair is down to the middle of his back.
So, yeah. Anatoly+ musicals+ muggle...ness...= Robert.
Author's Response: *Jaw drops* OH MY. I think I've found my soulmate. Never mind that I've never met him. I think I've fallen in love for the first time. This person sounds perfect. A tall, straight boy who likes Les Mis and 1776 and Shakespeare and who has long hair and who juggles knives and goes to a FARM SCHOOL? 0_o There is now hope of Schmergo Juniors someday existing.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS JORDAN AND GIORDAN.
Also, you are SO POLITE. "What married people do" pshaw. Wink wink.
WHERE IS ANATOLY IN ALL THIS RUMPUS? I want my leading man! Please tell me he and Haley get together. That would seriously make my day.
All in all, a spectacular ending. Hooraaaaaaay.
Author's Response: DUDE, YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO READ THIS YET! Hahaha, I was still gonna edit it! It wasn't ready ,and I accidentally sent it in! Thank you anyway, though! As for Ani... you can ask me ANYTHING but who Haley gets with, because that'll be in Pride and Prejuiced Plums.
I read this chapter while listening to pirate songs on youtube. The first one was "You Are A Pirate." And the song was so silly that I couldn't concentrate on the chapter, and I was laughing so hard that I started to jump on my bed, and then my mattress fell through my bed frame, so I read the rest of the chapter on my stomach holding up my mattress with my feet waiting for someone to come fix it for me.
Author's Response: AAAAAAAAAAA! I LOVE YOU ARE A PIRATE! That is one of my favorite stupid kids' songs out there! I sing it all the time. And... small world, my bed/mattres are also busted! We thought it was just my mattress that was broken, so I got a new mattress for Christmas, but when my mom was going to put it down on my bed, she realized my bed frame was broken, too. So she just put the broken mattress on top of the bed frame, and then she put the new mattress on top of that. So now I feel like the Princess and the Pea. Except when I sit up, I bonk my head on my sister's bunk bed above me.
Did you get a part??? I just finished Pirates of Penzance, I was Isabel. It was great. But anyway.
The more you explain Ani, the more I am reminded of Robert. This chapter was SO GOOD. I am missing out on turkey burritos to finish this review, but I DON'T CARE.
Author's Response: Ooh, I've never seen Pirates of Penzance. Gotta put that on my to-do list. Anyway, I'm the Queen of France! I only tried out for ensemble for this one, because I already knew who'd be perfect for each leading role from my school, so I was quite surprised to get a cute little cameo role. And now I feel more desperate than ever to meet this Robert person... because I love Ani, and your Robert sounds even more fabtastic. And wow, turkey burritos? I'm missing out on vegetarian spinach lasagna to answer this review, but I DON'T CARE! I like it nice and congealed! (And I'm listening to Michael Ball's radio show on BBC Radio 2. I have a problem.)
I love him. Even if he is "short for emotional" in this chapter. I positively adore how he and Ivy finally get a little brother-sister bonding time. :)
This chapter rocked.
almost making his words sound like a threat. For someone who was usually so utterly unthreatening and unassuming, it was odd how intimidating he could be. Always unusually tall, he now seemed towering
Wow. Ted! Ted got angry! *shock* I'm so proud of him. I love Tedward.
Also, remember that guy, Robert, wh was basically Anatoly Capshaw, who loved 1776 and juggled and goes to farm school that you fell in love with? Yeah, so I came home from work on saturday, and he was in my living room, talking to my parents (huh??) and when I told you he was 6'4, I lied. He's 6'7. And no less awkward or pimply. It was GREAT.
Suggestions for this chapter?
Write the next one. Soon.
And more Tyrone/Anatoly/Giorgi, please??????
Author's Response: Hehe, thank you! And I am really enjoying this strangely positive feedback on Ophidias. Almost as much as I'm enjoying this proudness toward Ted. HOLY SMOKES? ROBERT! I remember that guy from his reviews! Force him to hack onto your account and leave me a review so I can obnoxiously hit on him!
All of the chapters are actually written, believe it or not! They're all saved on my computer. Also, Tyrone/Anatoly/Giorgi is the scariest love triangle I can imagine!
Okay, so there's this candy store called Nelson's in my town, and I was there today getting fudge, and ALL i could think about was Nelson Blenkinsopp, and every bite i took of my fudge I just pictured his toads and slime and stuff and it was gross.
Author's Response: Hahaha, I'm sorry, but this MADE MY DAY. Also, I have a friend named Nelson. That's all I'm gonna say.
Summary: Rosalburga Aphrodite Black is no ordinary Hogwarts student. First - she's American. Second - she's only just discovered she's a witch. Third - her mother is a Vampire. Fourth - her father is Sex!God Sirius Black.
Things are about to get very exciting for the new R.A.B.
This is a tale of high dram and passion. This is a tale of extreme cliche's. This is a tale that may never be seen again.
Disclaimer: I'm not JK Rowling or even Stephanie Meyer
I incredibly siriusly liked it. You are almost as gifted a writer as Stephenie Meyer. I am awed by your immense talent. If only you were as good as Stephenie Meyer. She is liek soo goood omgeee!fangirl.
Author's Response: *squeeeeees* I have a fan! Gee, like Stephanie Meyer. Like, WOW!
Everyone needs someone to hold on to, especially in dark times like these.
Sometimes, all it takes is a chocolate cheesecake and a friend – or something more – to rekindle a flame of hope.
Um, I think the only thing that could have made the story better would have been the word "snog" in the last paragraph.
But seriously, this was like a checklist of all my favorite things in a fic-
Other, often unused characters
Clocks (I just... love clocks... the way they tick...*mumbles*)
You wrote this so well. I heartily give this a FANTABULOUS on my rating scale.
Author's Response: Thanks! You're so right, I should have used the word 'snog'. Anyway, all those things are some of my favourite things too... I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for the FANTABULOUS rating :)
Summary: My daddy’s been acting strange. He won’t tell me why he’s so worried about Harry Potter. He won’t tell me who my mum is. He won’t tell me anything anymore.
Told from the POV of Felicity, Draco Malfoy’s daughter. Disregards the Epilogue. Contains slash, though nothing graphic.
WHO IS HER MOTHER?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?
I really like this! It's a fresh perspective and I really like how you tell the story through her. This is a fantastic beginning.
And now I'm insanely curious.
Author's Response: Thank you! Glad you're curious. :)
Summary: “But if I’m fire,” I protested, “and you’re ice, what do we have in common?” Tom smirked, reaching up and twisting a strand of my hair around his finger. “Destruction.” I pressed my knife to his throat, drawing blood. “My feelings exactly.” TR/GW
So I normally hate time-travel fics, because of all the physics involved (only ask if you want a 15-minute lecture of dimensions and quantum mechanics) but... this is an exception. Well done. ;)
Also, what is a plonker? *cultural ineptitude man strikes again!*