Hm. I suppose I should probably fill one of these things out. Always a bit of fun if you ask me. I love Harry Potter, but since I finished the seventh book back when it came out, I started to grow distant from this magical and very creative world. Just recently, I decided to come back to mugglenet and read fanfictions to mend my empty heart. I do have a couple of fanfictions, but they aren't ready to share with people yet. I'm a picky person. And when it comes to commenting, I tend not to point out all the mistakes, unless you want me to, and of course, I will ask before hand. When I do get my fanfictions up, I will comment your work if you ever comment on mine. And my comments will be more than nice work, it will have a bit of thought put into it, whether it's pointing out simple mistakes, or even ways to improve.
I'm impressed. I didn't see many uses of passive voice like I do on most stories. I'm also very intrigued by the story. I think you have something great going on. Just two things I thought I would point out, both not very big.
Albus would only rarely come to the pub, preferring the mulled mead and flirtatious personality of that wench Rosmerta.
Just drop only and I think you should be fine =)
Altogether versus All together, always an interesting battle. I just thought I would point it out and just throw it in the air for you, 'cause it isn't even something I should be worrying about, it's just something I find amusing. Apparently scholars and grammaratics (hm. that would be funny if they were actually called that) argue about the concept of all together and altogether. All together seems to be used in formal occassions when writing, but hey, I just thought I would share the debate bit about it ^^'
As for the story, very strong prologue I think, the letter actually felt like it was from Dumbledore. Good job. Reading chapter one :D
Mistakes, as great as I find this, everyone has them, so I think it would be fair to help you out by pointing those that I could find :D
They pulled back and suddenly the sounds of the crowd were foisted into Harry's sunny room. Several girls were giggling and Peakes wolf-whistled at Harry, shaking his hands over his shoulder in victory.
So in this one, crowd is singular and the verb has to match the subject so it should be was. The reason I placed it in a bracket that you are about to see is because I wasn't actually sure if was should be there or not. It's just to give you an idea how it would look without it.
They pulled back and suddenly the sounds of the crowd [was] foisted into Harry's sunny room.
Haha, I actually loved the one bit with the Lucky Potion, brilliant job with that. Oh just think of how pissed Ginny would be if it was a bit of potion that made him fall for her. And think of how hurt she would be =(
...and Aunt Petunia's tinny reply from down in the kitchen.
Well I wanted to point out that you spelled tinny with two n's unless it really is a different word that I don't know about =)
...and rage of 16 years, into Harry's cheekbone.
Consistency. If you spell out numbers throughout, keep it that way, Don't go changing it around. Either spell the numbers or use the numerical value (and it is usually zero through ten that you would use numerical value then type anything else) and keep with that =)
Harry turned to his aunt, but Petunia was suddenly bustling about, pulling the broom from the closet in the corner and sweeping up the remains of the plates and her vase. Harry knew that cleaning was his aunt’s way of coping and merely stood, waiting for her.
Haha even when the whole world goes to hell, just look for Petunia cleaning =)
And as I reached the ending of the chapter I have a few things that bothered me. One, how could the Death Eater's see the house? Even without the knowledge of the seventh book, I'm sure Dumbledore would've done simple magic to protect the house's identity from Death Eaters. And why would the Order leave like that? Who knows, they might just go on a Muggle killing spree and that would be left on the Order's shoulders. Other than that, great job, loved it, want to read more.
Author's Response: Thank you for such a meticulous response!! I loved the critique blended with the parts you like, that's exactly what best helps me to write. I'd like to make a slight rebuttal for your first comment. In that sentence the subject of the phrase is actually sounds (a plural noun) while noise is the object of the preposition, so the subject-verb agreement is actually ok (sounds...were foisted). Tinny is a word; it's metallic (tin) and high-pitched, kind of like nails on a blackboard, which is what Petunia's voice reminded me of. I'll have to think about your comment concerning the end of the chapter. I think Harry was hoping that the Death Eaters were only there for him, and since the Dursleys were gone, they'd have no leverage by going after others on the street. I'm afraid with the death of Dumbledore and Harry's coming of age, the magic protecting the house from detection is faltering, sort of like static on a TV, so in those moments that the magic flickers, the house's identity could be revealed. Does that answer most of your questions? Thanks so much again for the comments. You pulled out a few of my favorite moments from the chapter too. I'd love to have more of your detailed reviews!
Tom Riddle's lifelong goal was to defy the mundane and become the perfection that others only dare to dream about: to become extraordinary. And nothing would stand in his way.
Follow Tom Riddle through the most important events of his school years.
Sequel to QSQ Nominee 'Never Ordinary'.
Not bad at all. A few passive voice usages, but other than that, I liked it. Can't wait for more
Author's Response: Thank you. =] Chapter Two is going to my betas sometime tonight, so you won't have to wait long! Thanks for the review! =]
So wait, Harry is headmaster right now? And so is that Dumbledore he was conversing with?
Honestly, not to big of a fan of the fanfic itself, not much going on. I read it all the way through however, and I did like the ending.
At least Ron didn't borrow anything from his aunt. I think that this is a bit out of character in my mind for the pair of them who constantly bicker. It's interesting to see Ron proposing and having enough guts to do so. Only noticed one small mistake while reading.
“Since the day I knew I wanted you as my wife, I looked for a way to at least make you my fiancée. I
Author's Response: I'll go and change that right now! Thanks for pointing it out. I still think they bicker a lot, but would they really have a good marriage if they continued to bicker ALL the time? I don't think so, but it could just be me. ;) Cyns
Interesting to read a story from the pov of Crookshanks. Wasn't that bad at all, found it pretty interesting. I noticed toward the beginning you seemed to use and quite a bit, but you got better as you neared the end. Some few grammar errors here and there, nothing too big. But the biggest quirk I have is the fact that you use passive voice.
As he was reflecting on what was different from his home, he realized his eyes had found one thing that was familiar
It could easily be:
As he reflected on what was different from his home...
I had that same problem too and was often criticized for it.
However, I did enjoy reading it!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I know that the different voices are my weakest point right now. I'm trying to get back into writing after not doing so in over 10 years. . . Not a real excuse, but the truth. :) I'll go make that change right now! ; ) Cyns
I'm confused. How could James be walking the grounds if he is dead and he never became a ghost? The only plausible way he could do that is by the Priori Incantatem.
Also wanted to point out a mistake. You don't want effected for the sentence you have. Instead you want to use affected ;)
You see, I comment as I read, so now it actually makes sense why James was there, an interesting concept that you used. Harry thinks that he saw himself, and he continued to believe that for a while. Instead of the caster being James, it is actually his Patronus. Interesting. Short. Sweet. To the point. I liked it. =)
Author's Response: Yeah, when I read the title to the chapter "Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs", I always was like - well, was Prongs really in the grounds? So this fic is saying he is. Effect and affect, I always seem to get those two mixed up. I'll go back and fix it eventually. Thanks for your review. I'm pleased you liked. :)
The Wizarding World had been safer than ever.
It shouldn't be had been safe. It really should be:
The Wizarding World was safer than ever.
Also, Shacklebolt was a bit out of character.
Finally, I think that it would be a bit more interesting if you didn't make it Dracula the vampire, but one of your own creation, it would be a good read. Good job however =)
He was greeted by the sight of ten thousand stakes bearing dead people, including Mehmed’s favorite General, Hamza.
General should not be capitalized at all. You're stating what job he has, a general. Not part of his title. If you were saying his favorite, General Hamza, then it would be different. The comma kind of shows that it should be general, Hamza.
Sorry for being anal when it comes down to grammar. I hope you don't mind...
Hermione was intrigued. She was about to go on to the chapter that included Vlad’s transformation into the vampire Dracula
Should be a comma between vampire and Dracula.
Hermione realized that his pupils had dilated and that the normal blue-silver of his eyes had nearly reached a panicked dark blue.
Had shouldn't be used in this section. It's passive voice. Instead:
Hermione realized that his pupils dilated and that the normal blue-silver of his eyes nearly reached a panicked dark blue.
...he had turned a shade of red that would have made Ron proud.
Again, don't need had.
I like how this is going. I can't wait for chapter three to be up. It's a great read =)
Author's Response: How would you like to be my beta? My grammar is HORRIBLE. I'm serious.
Chapter Three has been validated!
First thing I noticed you used Harry's name a little too much. Pronouns can be your best friend. I felt it was a little repetitive and a bit annoying to keep reading his name like that.
All around the walls of the dungeon classroom are jars filled with dismembered parts used for potion making.
You changed tenses. It shouldn't be are. When you write, stay to one tense.
All around the walls of the dungeon classroom were jars filled with dismembered parts used for potion making.
I think that you stayed in character with Snape until the very end. I doubt that he would display shock at all, he would probably keep it to himself, and depending on if Snape is evil or not, he would report to either source that he has.
I'm liking this, a lot. I want to read more. =)
Author's Response: Hey, thanks for correcting that part. I'll go change it asap. Glad you like it so far, it's just going to get better. ~Allie