Hi! I have pruned back this page recently to show only my best work. In addition I have deleted all chaptered fics that I have no plans for finishing in the near future. I have saved all the reviews from my deleted fics -- I'm sorry if I never replied to the review you left >.> Thanks everyone! In the future I'll hopefully get Weakness finished, and a few more poems up maybe. xx
Summary: Hogwarts could never have been built without magic. Yet even ‘simple’ magic alone doesn’t let a castle as huge as Hogwarts appear out of nowhere. There have been other forces at work as well, given by the spirits to humankind to command over them.
But whatever the spirits have humankind presented with, it can take something to settle a balance…
At the same moment, - I think this would be better as, ‘In the same moment’.
Bine! I loved this. The way you use the language is beautiful, and I loved the ideas you used.
‘I thank you, oh wise raven of glen, Lady Rowena. I shall proceed to complete my own part of the wall.’- I like the concept of each founder having a wall to build, that, to me, really makes the castle the work of all four. The way you began the beginning with the description of building a wall - that was a good way of setting the scene. It really drew me in.
I’m assuming that Rowena’s pregnant by her body language. It’s a nice idea, and I’m assuming the Grey Lady would be the daughter of Salazar and Ravenclaw.
The chemistry between all the characters was excellent - I look forward to the chaptered story.
Summary: Nymphadora Tonks lives under a shadow. Both her cousin and her aunt are in Azkaban believed to be in league with Voldemort. She knows Bellatrix deserves to be there- but Sirius?
Remus Lupin is an outsider. He’d once had three good friends- now two are dead and the third has been locked up for murder and betrayal.
They had met once before, when she was a child, but as Tonks grows up they find themselves thrown together- far too closely for Remus’ comfort. He’s always yearned for a normal life but knows that is impossible. Can Tonks convince him that he deserves happiness?
Nominated for a 2009 QSQ award in the Best canon Romance category. Thank you.
Potions made her think of Snape It had shocked - you’ve missed out the full stop.
You know, Carole, I really love this story. I’m enjoying watching your interpretations of the characters blossom, and it is a nice idea that Remus and Tonks knew each other before OotP. And were attracted before then, too.
The part where Snape finds Tonks was very beautiful. Lily inspired her hair, and it reminded Sev of her. It’s quite sad in a way. In fact, I visualise Sev becoming quite a major part in this story, as I imagine Dora will want to know the story behind his reaction to her hair. And she has a question to answer, as I’m sure Snape will have linked Wolfsbane with Remus.
The kiss was unexpected, but I think it’s great that Lupin would feel that way so early on. In later years, he becomes a lot more closed up. Great work!
*Glances up at Bine's mega long review* Wow ... no way I can compete with that. Lol. I like the way that Meda still wants to go back and visit Cissy. I think that's a nice touch, and I always felt it was a shame that we never saw much of a relationship between the Black Sisters in the books. Through the open door he could see Nymphadora skipping back with a handful of biscuits. Her hair was a shock of gold. She caught him looking at her, screwed up her face and instantly it changed to black, like his. He laughed, delighting in his cousin. - I like this bit. You really capture both characters' spirit. I also like the references Tonks makes to 'Nymphadora'. Nice and realistic for her. In fact, I like the whole conversation about names. “It changes colour when I get too excited- it’s quite naughty.” - you made me laugh here, Carole. I've never heard anyone describe hair as if it has a personality. “Really, I’d have thought that too girly for you.” - very good after the statement she made earlier. Once in the garden she’s run with him to a gap in the fence and urged him to squeeze through -should this be 'she'd'? “Come on, we need to get back or your mum will Crucio me!” - Lol. She smiled mischievously, “Whatever colour I want- but don’t tell Mummy, I hate eggs.” – Very good way to get out of eating them. “Thish ish sho cool!” – Thish sho reminded me of Roonil. “Oh aren’t you adorable!” – I’d put a comma after ‘oh’. “Sirius,” asked Tonks. “How did the baby get inside Lily’s tummy?” – such a typical question for a kid. :) That’s a really uncool nick-name,” she said, looking him straight in the eye. “Why did you choose it?” – lol I liked your characterisation of Peter, but I think Lily would know about Remus’ condition. Great work! I look forward to the rest.
Author's Response: Thank-you for the review. It means a lot that people respond and give good constructive criticism and say nice things too. Regarding Lily - she does know he's a werewolf - I obviously didn't make that clear. Hmmm didn't realise it read that way at all. Thanks again.
Great chapter, Carole - I loved it! And I have no nitpicks, apart from,
“It’s brilliant, Charlie. I’m so pleased for you. However, if your mum’s worried about Bludgers, what in the name of Helga Hufflepuffs best nightie is she going to say about dragons?” - isn’t it ‘Hufflepuff’s’ in this case? Loved this line by the way. Heehee, it’s a bit different to the usual ‘Merlin’s pants’.
Oh - and that Martha girl that Remus refers to, is she from the Lions of Gryffindor? I recognise the name…
Your Dumbledore characterisation was good, I really enjoyed that scene. I suppose he knows exactly what happened between Remus/Tonks via Legilimens, but Dumbledore isn’t the sort who likes expelling pupils, is he? Hmm…
The number of times he went on about that record. It annoyed the hell out of us, so having a Black beat a Potter would have had Sirius crowing for years.” - I forget that Tonks is a Black, but I suppose this makes her win even more significant for her, knowing this.
Such a small gesture but it sent a tingle down her spine. His fingers stopped and seemed to dwell on her cheekbone. She held her breath.
He blinked rapidly and removed his hand. “You have a bruise there, Tonks,” he said and quickly looked away. He stood up. “I should go,” he said.
That paragraph was fantastic. You could really feel the tension between the pair, and it made me hold my breath too. The way you described it (namely the second bit) was quite subtle, which was effective.
The interactions between Charlie and Dora have me smiling in every chapter, and I especially liked the conversation about houses and dragons in this one. It shows how well they know each other, but this line made me feel sorry for dear Charlie:
Charlie noticed that she seemed to be starting a lot of her sentences with the word Remus. Not Lupin now, he thought, yet I’m still Weasley. - poor guy. :(
And to round off, I hope Hufflepuff win the House Cup in your story, though I doubt they will… they deserve it though, all the same. ’Puffs are the hardest working, and they’re deserving. They just don’t get enough recognition in the books, which is another thing I like about your story.
Bye, now xx
Author's Response: Awww, Thank you. That's a lovely review. I'm so pleased you like my Dumbledore. I have a few problems with him. I hadn't envisaged him using Legilimens but I think he's a shrewd enough man to realise that there's somthing a bit dodgy about Tonks just happening to run into Remus in Hogsmeade.
Yes, it's the same Martha. She muscled in to this story too *sigh*. There may well be more of her in the future *hint hint*
Yep, poor Charlie. I don't know what to say about him, really. I get overcome with guilt when I think of him pining, but I'm sure it won't be forever. He may not get married but I'm sure he'll have some fun. *plot bunny*
I think the fact that I'm in Hufflepuff seems to have had rather an influence on this story *winks*.It must have been so annoying for them to be in last place all the time.
Thank you again (and I shall put that missing apostrophe in now.) Carole xxx
Finally, I have caught up with AA. So, I’ve read from chapters six-twelve – I apologise for not reviewing every chapter, but I just wanted to read on. Lol. So I’m just going to give you my thoughts on the story in general, you know?
My favourite part of the story is all the Romania scenes. I love how it brings Remus and Tonks back together again, and I could really imagine it all. I think the part where Tonks tries to rescue the dragon was a very in character moment, and you really caught my sympathy with your description of the poor dragon being left out :(
Besides Remus and Tonks, my two favourite characters have to be Nan and Mad-Eye. I love how you’ve took little bits of Tonks and put them into her grandmother, such as ‘wotcher’. And Mad-Eye... well you’ve just captured his caring but no-nonsense attitude really well – I loved this line “I’ll stick with Nymphadora,” Hee-hee.
The progression of this story is nice. I like how it flows smoothly in to the new chapters, despite sometimes there being quite a bit of a time gap. You gloss over the weeks you don’t tell us about well, with just a line on how Tonks’ training is going or something.
Now, the latest chapter is about Sirius Black, and I’m interested to see how Tonks handles it all. Clearly, she still really believes in her cousin, even considering having to hex Mad-Eye, and I like how despite everything she has so much faith in him. On the other hand, though, Remus contrasts with that because it’s as if he’s determined to believe that Sirius is guilty, even if he doesn’t believe it deep down.
Lupin tried, I tried and Dumbledore would have tried – except that he’d never been there.
I’m a bit confused by the protective spell Sirius put on his home. Remus was in Sirius’ flat the same day that Tonks was, but he couldn’t get in later on, while Tonks could? :/
I liked how Padfoot was there in the basement of his flat – it kind of demonstrates why Animagi have to be registered. Tonks recognising him was a nice touch; I wonder whether Sirius realises who she is...
This is a great story, Carole, and I can’t wait to read more. :) –squishes-
Author's Response: Thank you for the review, Spire. I'm glad you're enjoying it and that you like Moody - he was a bugger to write! Okay, the charm Siurius put on his flat. Basically I made it up - ha ha. It's not a Fidelius Charm but similar ish. When a traitor was suspected, Sirius and other Order members charmed their houses so only trusted people would be able to appear - and then only if they'd been there before. Sirius could basically exclude anyone he wanted from his flat. The thing is, his flat is known to have existed but is never explained and neither is the photograph so I wanted Tonks to find it. Thus because he was suspicious of everyone by this time, I had Sirius exclude all visitors except probably Peter, James and Lily (who wouldn't come out of hiding anyway.) However he forgot about his six year old cousin-once-removed turning up. *hopefully digs self out of hole*
You'll have to keep reading to find out whether he recognises her ;p.
She thought about following him to tell him he was mistaken, that the Veritaserum must have made her lie but she know it hadn’t. - 'knew'.
Great chapter - you've left a bit of a cliffhanger, and I want to read on, but I have no time. I loved the twins characterisation, and Charlie's but it made me sad that Tonks would suspect Remus. I'm looking forward to seeing what you're going to do with this story :)
Summary: On the final night of his seventh year, Severus is stuck between a rock and a hard place: he is crouching behind a shrub as James and Lily go on a moonlit stroll. Severus/Lily & James/Lily
Severus peered out from behind a clump of bushes on Hogwarts grounds at the two figures silhouetted in the twilight. - did you mean 'in the Hogwarts...'? Great story, it was a nice insight into a deeper Severus. And a different James to the one we're used to seeing aswell. I felt so sorry for Severus. You can see how much it is tearing him apart to hear them together, but as soon as they are secured to each other, he can't stay any longer. Truly lovely. Well done!
Summary: Ron's world falls apart when he discovers the death of his wife, Hermione. Desperate to understand why it happened, he becomes determined to find the people responsible. However his hunt leads him to discover the darkness and suffering of those who the second war sought to suppress.
This is a round 7 Gauntlet entry by coolh5000 of Slytherin
No, I think I just need to me alone for a while. - ‘to be’.
He kept sneaking a glance at his baby, as if not really believing that she was really - I think you meant ‘she was real’.
which they had been modelled - I didn’t really understand this. You need to make the meaning clearer.
better of with Harry than with him. - ‘off with Harry’.
they as good as dead - ‘were as good’.
I was wished to cast the final curse - you need to get rid of ‘was’.
This was, in my opinion, your strongest chapter yet. The last paragraph was very beautiful - I had images of the soil and tears. The last line It was finally over. made a powerful ending. It was final.
I have a nitpick though. When Harry and Ron go to visit Ackerly, you never mention the criminal’s name when they’re walking down. That confused me a bit, and it would be better if you slipped his name into the beginning of their discussion.
Talking of Ackerly, it was nice to know he got to go to Eleanor’s funeral. That was a nice touch.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for all the reviews! They have been incredibly helpful. I'm glad you liked this chapter. It was so important to give this story a proper ending and I wasn't sure if I had really achieved it so it is good to know you thought it was effective. I have known the funeral would be the ending ever since I started writing and I really wanted to get it right. I had to let Ackerley go to Eleanor's funeral - everything was always so hard for him - I thought he should be allowed one last chance to say goodbye. Thank you for pointing out my mistakes - I have edited a few places, including putting Ackerley's name in to the conversation. Thanks again for the review - it's good to know there is someone who has read and enjoyed the story Hannah
I think it’s time I laid out the finer details of the case to you and it’s best to it there - ‘do it there’.
They were both silent, unable to think of a think to say - ‘think of a thing’.
they had all left behind families to mourn from them - ‘for them’.
checked their id and then led them an interview room - ‘to an’.
court order from the Wizenmagot - ‘Wizengamot’.
“And why would we care about that.” - this is a question.
“He said he wanted to take revenge on the people that had caused him and all the other Muggle-borns.” - this seems half-finished to me. I’d develop it so that we know what they ‘caused’ him.
Generally, your writing is good, but in both chapters I have come across a few sentences that didn’t quite seem right, and some missed commas. Do you have a beta, or someone you know to look over your work?
Ackerly confused me a bit. He changes from a silent attitude to giving a lot up very quickly. I can understand why he tells all, but he is very quiet at first. Even though he says everything for Eleanor when Ron informs him about her, I imagine he’d need a bit more persuasion and would be slightly reluctant, maybe, when telling the story.
Your Gauntlet is progressing well from the first chapter, and it has opened up even more questions. I’m still intrigued, and I look forward to the conclusion.
We know you would never have put in her danger. - ‘her in.’
This is great. I almost cried when Harry told Ron, and then Ron told her parents. It must be so painful to have to say all that. And the killings are so brutal! I’m really intrigued to know the full story. Good work.
Summary: When Nymphadora Tonks arrived at the Ministry to save Harry and his friends, she was a young, fearless Auror. Five weeks later she’s a mess. Her once vibrant hair is a drab brown and she can barely smile. Has she lost her nerve? Is it guilt over Sirius’ death? Or is something else happening in her life that has ridden roughshod over her unusual powers?
I am Equinox Chick from Hufflepuff and this is my entry for Round 7 of The Gauntlet.
Special thanks to Cassie (ms leading) for beta'ing this for me.
She wrenched her thoughts away from the sculls of her dream and looked up. - ‘skulls’.
After an hour they reached the top. - I never got the impression that it took quite that long to navigate through the tunnel.
“This helps plan my class, to see which students have the true brain of Potioneer.”
- ‘of a Potioneer’. Was this the fic you were asking for in the bar?
I really enjoyed reading your Gauntlet. The mood carried through this chapter was enticing. It starts quite uplifted, happy, but then it drops to sadder tones. I liked your use of the Patronus at the end and Remus telling Tonks to visit the Shrieking Shack. I felt as if that kept a connection between them, however much they were ignoring it.
Scene at the train station - awesome characterisation of the twins. And I laughed at Dora’s thoughts on the weather. That’s England for you! Lol.
Good work. xx
Author's Response: Hey Inspirations Thank-you for the review. Skulls- hmmmm yes that needs changing- although there is a fish basket called a scull spelt that way. I know I won't get away with that! Okay the tunnel:- The tunnel to Honeydukes takes about an hour as Harry finds out in POA. The one to the Shrieking Shack may not take quite as long but in POA it says '...it felt at least as long as the one to Honeydukes...', but they were looking for signs of Death Eater activity so they would be taking their time. Potioneer- yes I was asking in the bar about that but I may use it in my other fic. I rather like the word now *winks*. I'd seen Potionist used but it didn't seem quite right. Ha, Tonks and the weather. That's one of my lines from real life. It always rains during Wimbledon fortnight, after all. I'm glad you liked the twins as they were the hardest to write, in all honesty. I've very pleased you enjoyed this story. It's been a challenge but a pleasure to write it. Carole
She had gone through childhood living under the cloud of the Black family and her mother's refusalto talk to her about it. - you need ‘refusal to’.
Great start! I’m intrigued. You’ve taken a different approach to me, and you’ve stuck it in the midst of a canon event. I like your Dora, especially the ideas you associate with the veil through her.
Summary: She said he couldn't change. Discovering his true heart's desire made him want to try. Can Severus Snape reclaim what was lost before it's too late? LE/SS
I’m pretty sure the lines at the beginning are quoted from the books (forgive me if I’m wrong, I haven’t checked but they sound so familiar). If they are, you’ll have to highlight them in some way and say where you took them from, else it’s classed as plagiarism. Just thought I’d let you know - I don’t want you to get into trouble.
in this day and age, it got a fellow killed, acting in that way. - the wording seems a little awkward to me. I had to read it a few times until I understood. Might just be me though…
Are you going to begin calling me Snivellus like Potter and the rest of his ego-ridden scumbags do? - I don’t think ‘do’ is necessary to this sentence.
I like Severus’ outburst, but then when Lily goes you say he begins to cry. That seems a bit OOC to me. I think his eyes might sting with tears or something, but I can’t imagine him letting them fall. He’d be annoyed, angry, and bitter. To keep his small remaining pride, he wouldn’t let himself cry.
The other Marauders had all winced with James had gotten slapped - ‘when James had been’.
Your characterisation of Dumbledore was spot on, but I felt as if Severus was a bit rude to him. Well, he was. But I think, even in his school years, Snape would’ve treated Dumbledore with a bigger respect. I loved the scene, but I don’t think Severus would’ve been quite so intense in his anger. He would try to calm himself when faced with the teacher.
Good chapter, all the same; I look forward to seeing how all plays out. xD
Summary: Isla Black comes home and finds her brother dead. He died mysteriously, and no one knows who the murderer could be. Isla is forced to solve many riddles to find the person. But what was the motive? Why was Phineas Nigellus Black murdered?
Follow Isla on her quest, and be prepared for something one would not expect.
I am luinrina of Hufflepuff, and this is my story for the seventh round of the Gauntlet.
I want to read the next chapter so much, but I really don’t have enough time. :( Ah, well, I’ll just review you for now instead.
I’ve said it on other stories by you, Bine, but I love your use of language. What time period is this set in? The order you’ve used words in isn’t how we would today, but it adds to the story, even though it confused me slightly in a couple of places. And I love the use of no contractions, by the way.
The characterisation of Isla is lovely. She’s so different to the majority of pureblood Blacks - I look forward to seeing more of her in the rest of the story.
What struck me about this was how it went from such little worries about this person called Bob to, ‘Oh God! My brother is dead!’ Well, Isla isn’t quite like that, but you know. That’s probably what she’s thinking.
I had tried explaining him my reasons - ‘to him’.
Silence surrounded me completely, and I felt embraced by a soft dark veil, only that it was not a warm embrace but a cold one. - I love this sentence. Such powerful imagery, but so simple! I would take out ‘that’ though - it would flow better without.
Surprisingly, though, I was back to call him by his first name. - Did you mean ‘calling’ here?
My shadow fell onto the first landing, and I took a deep breath. I also just realised that the house looked gloomy and was ghastly silent - this builds up a sense of foreboding so well. I especially liked the use of ‘shadow’. This continues excellently when Isla enters the room.
Great story - I look forward to reading the next chapter. You have me intrigued.
Author's Response: Oh my Helga, another review! Yay! *huggles* And thanks for that lovely compliment. :)
The story plays in the late 1860s, so I decided - adding to the fact that Isla is from a wealthy family - that without contractions it would sound more like her being from upper class and all. Also, What Is To Happen is a companion story to my other WIP, Shining Through Blackness, if you want to read more about Isla. I just edited chapter thirteen and sent it off to my beta so another update shall follow soon.
Also thanks for your nitpicks. I'll look into them. *hugs*
Sirius Black stumbles onto a most curious scene while checking up on one of his closest friends, the wife of his best mate. Lost and confused he follows the signs until they reach into a depth unknown to him. From this point, he seeks the help of another dear friend, and together they think, suffer, and laugh their way to some answers and some dead ends. Only in the end, do they find the answer to the one question that burns in their minds: how will we go on?
I am MerryD of Hufflepuff and this was written for the Gauntlet Round Seven
Hi, Mere! Well. I’m surprised this only has one review -- you write really well. I’ve only read the first chapter, and I look forward to moving on. You’ve built up the beginning of the mystery well.
Sirius’ characterisation intrigues me. Not telling James right away seems somewhat deceitful, but I suppose he wants to know why Lily’s dead first … Hm.
The sense of Sirius being watched had me on the edge of my seat. I fully expected someone to jump out from behind that chair and ‘avada kedavra’ him. Even though they didn’t, I still feel as if the killer -- or maybe Lily in her spiritual form -- was watching him.
I liked that he didn’t jump to the worst until he saw the blood and went through the possible, limited, theories. I almost laughed when he wondered whether the blood was from her ‘time of the month’ -- and I probably would’ve if the scene weren’t so serious. It’s just so … Sirius. Or it’s a glint of the Sirius we see in a lot of Marauder-era fan fiction anyway, but more down-to-earth.
The eeriness of this chapter kept me interested. I could feel a sense of that building up as he got closer to the chair, which was effective.
It screamed of eeriness. It screamed of stillness. It screamed of emptiness.
It screamed of death.
I love the emphasis in ‘screamed’. It’s like -- that is the point in this chapter where your lips part in an ‘o’. If you know what I mean. :/
The character development for Lily, even though she’s gone, was great. I got a feel for who she is, and why Sirius could find no other solution.
I liked it - a great start. Good work. xx
Author's Response: O.o This story does seem to attract some great reviewers. Thank you very much for your wonderful review, inspirations! Sirius's reason for not telling James is explained later on...in the next chapter, I think. >.> I think my head has grown a size or two from all your comments. ;) I'm so glad you liked it and I hope you read on. Thanks again! xox Mere
Summary: Angelina Johnson is ready for the event of the year, a ball at the Potters. After waiting for what seemed like a lifetime to be invited by the man of her dreams, she expectantly attends the evening. Her heart only wishes one thing: not to be deceived again.
This was written by Viv of Slytherin, for the Winter Snows challenge prompt # 3, "Melting a winter heart".
So usually, I don’t like lengthy descriptions of what a character’s wearing, but it was a great way to start. You could feel Angelina’s excitement and nervousness. It was great. And it sounds like a gorgeous dress too XD
She was acting like a girly teenager discovering that boys weren’t a species created only to torment girls. - LOL. I’m assuming that she’s, maybe, early twenties? She’s not over thirty, anyway, is she?
The second passage was great, though at first I didn’t realise we’d skipped back in time >.< I thought it was later that day. The scene in the shop was good. George spots her and she can’t just run away. It was kind of like confronting a fear, I suppose.
This was it; she could not hide from him anymore. - Ooh, I bet her heart was in her mouth. The short sentence here was effective - we got a little more feeling for the character just with that simple thing.
Honestly, it wasn’t a shock. - ‘honestly’ sounds like something you’d say aloud. It might just be me, but this phrase threw me slightly.
After all, how could have she forgotten his voice? - ‘how could she have’.
The red head man was standing behind the cash register, speaking animatedly with two boys who seemed to be in their teenage years. - I think it would make more sense to say ‘red haired’ or ‘red headed’. ‘Red head man’ sounds a bit weird. And I love the use of ‘animatedly’. It’s perfect for George.
“Don’t really have a choice; he’s married to my sister.” - he turns it into a joke after he’s said this, in a way, but I always got the feeling that Fred, George and Harry were good mates - especially after he gave them the money. Even when Fred died, I don’t think their relationship would change all that much. Here, George sounds almost like he doesn’t like Harry that much.
“Ah! An excellent choice!” George exclaimed before reaching for the cage door. - I had to laugh there. It’s so George. LOL.
Good work. xx
Author's Response: Oh thank you inspiration for you lovely review! I'm glad that you enjoyed my entry! Aren't fics for the Winter challenges always fun? :) About the dress, if you were wondering, I took my inspiration on the H&M web site, they always have great dresses! And yes, Angelina is in her early twenties, don't worry, she's not that old! (not that I think being over thirty is old, don't get me wrong here) I would've been excited in her place, knowing she'd have the pleasure to spend the evening with George after all this time! About the "Don't really have a choice. he's married to my sister" part, I wanted it to sound like a joke, like he was just being sarcastic about it (so typical of him). I should've made him roll his eyes to the ceiling to show it better. Anyway, thanks again!
Summary: “I’m not spending these holidays with you. Have fun being miserable’ is what he really said,’ Tonks thought as an ice cold feeling chilled her heart and her body.
In the midst of a blizzard, Tonks stood in a woods, deciding if she could go home. Home, a place with her mother, who left her family when Tonks was nine years old. Home, a place where Sirius would never visit her again. Home, a place where her heart did not dwell and where her thoughts could not rest.
To be staring at her house, though, had been a difficult journey. Through a pile of work, a blizzard, and a meeting with a handsome stranger, Tonks found herself wondering if she could go home.
But during these holidays, Tonks must confront the past and realize where her home truly lies.
The way you highlighted the times was different. I’ve never seen that used in fan fiction before but, nevertheless, it was effective. It gave me a bit more sense of … being in the story I suppose. Being there with Tonks, monitoring her thoughts… Plus, we got a feeling for the speed in which time was passing.
The thing that stood out to me most about this chapter was the italicised speeches. Like, when Tonks thinks back to what Dumbledore said, his words were in italics. When I read those bits, in my mind, I could here the specific character’s voice, but it echoed through my brain, and sounded like something from the past. And you know, when we think back to things that have happened in RL, the voices do echo, so it worked well.
I’ve never read a story in which Andromeda isn’t with Ted for the whole course of Tonks’ childhood, nor where Tonks doesn’t like her mother. It’s a sad thought, and I personally find that scenario hard to believe, but there’s nothing to contradict it in canon, so it’s fine. I think it’ll be interesting to see how this notion plays with Tonks’ emotions during the course of the story.
‘Don’t start calling me that just because she’s back!’ Tonks spat at her father. She shook her head and stared down at the pathetic woman. ‘I was here. I cared enough for Sirius to be here.’
This part shows a lot about the family. Though, before I went onto Tonks’ bit I thought it was Andromeda speaking. It shows how all the relationships work. Ted and Tonks are probably close, but Ted loves Andromeda still. Or he respects her at least. It shows us a snippet of Ted’s personality as well, which I like.
I have a couple of nit-picks:
She hopped up on a stool and began to use the tolerance she built up during many an auror party. - ‘auror’ should be capitalised. And ‘up on to’ would sound better.
Looking around at the empty pub, Tonks felt awkward sitting at the empty bar. - the repetition of ‘empty’ is distracting. How about ‘vacant’ or ‘bare’ to replace one of them?
Other than that, good story so far.
Author's Response: Thank :) I developed the Andromeda plotline in Winter's Last Chill, and after DH, I don't necessarily buy my own interpretation of Andromeda being absent through Tonks's childhood. I took the absent Andromeda idea from OotP when Tonks seems obviously a bit hostile towards her mother. I just never saw the two of them as getting along, and considering she calls herself 'Tonks' after her dad's surname, I just kind of figured that was an indication of a strained relationship.
It takes a little luck to get the potion of Felix Felicis right!Written for Ascending into Alchemy final Fall Term 2008.
Hey, Shar. :] Well, this was quite a different story to the usual ones I read, but it was a good different. I love how you’ve crafted out how this potion has to be made, and by doing that, you’ve shown how much work goes in to every potion, and how great it is to get a perfect result.
I know the story isn’t about Slughorn, as such, but that’s the one thing I would’ve liked to see more of from this fic. He’s the one making the potion, and it might’ve been nice if you’d included a few more of his thoughts or feelings. That way I would’ve felt the emotions behind such a complex potion more, something I didn’t get much of a feel for in the fic. For example, when he’s adding the dragon blood. You make it clear that this is the moment where it could all go wrong. I know if it were me, I would be terrified of messing up, etc., but how’s Slughorn feeling? This potion is important to him, and that’s the most important moment of the brewing. At that point, maybe a line like ‘he took a deep breath, and then carefully tipped in the first drop’ would be good... or something to that affect. :]
Slughorn was pretty sure he was the youngest professor at Hogwarts, until he came to know of Albus Dumbledore, just twenty-two.
I’m fairly sure in HBP that there’s a few comments exchanged between Dumbledore and Slughorn on age, and we find out that Dumbledore is older...
Now, as mentioned in your other review, there is no dialogue in this – I really didn’t notice, and I think that’s a great achievement. This story really engaged me, and I could see quite clearly what there was to love about potion making, while judging by the books it’s one of those arts that many don’t like. But you show that a true potioneer loves brewing potions, and the affects can be amazing when it’s done right. You’ve made a subject that seems pretty bad in the books due mainly to the Trio’s view on Snape, come across as something that is interesting, rewarding, and not all that bad.
He’d managed to get rid of the lowly job of Potions Apprentice in the Apothecary at Hogsmeade, and catapulted himself into the big league.
That line is great. Immediately Slughorn’s character shines through, just by saying that he’s climbed to the job he really wants. It reminds me of the Slug Club, and how he makes himself useful contacts out of it. Slughorn is ambitious, and cares for himself quite a bit, and in that first paragraph I feel as if you managed to capture that aspect of him well. In fact, despite the focus of this story being the potion, you wrote every Slughorn bit very well, like the mention of ‘greed’.
I think you did a great job with this, dear. Well done! xx
Summary: He watches her from the shadows. He watches as the two lovers are reunited, both of them oblivious to the rest of the world. But she had noticed him once, a least he thought she had.
Hmm, different pairing. And, weirdly, I actually found it quite believable.
I liked the introduction part. When we passed onto the next scene though, I was confused, because you’d took a pretty hefty jump back in time, yet there was no initial indicator to this, and I thought it was the same day at first. Yeah - so it might be an idea to clear that up a bit. However, I expected it at the end, so that was fine. Also, at the beginning, there were a couple long, perplexing sentences. It would’ve been nice if some of these were split up a bit.
Whoever was after her was apparently worse than he could ever be, or the little Gryffindor wouldn’t have stayed in his presence. - ‘Little’? I know it’s Blaise, but I can’t imagine him thinking of a girl, just a year younger, like that.
But now he saw that whatever tiny chance he might have had to win Ginny had flown out the window the minute Potter reappered. - ‘reappeared’.
I liked the third person omniscient narration (I think that‘s what it‘s called), because most stories similar to this are set out in first person, so you get a direct view into the person’s head. I think, for your story, your method was more effective.
At the end, I couldn’t help but wonder what Ginny was thinking. You built up to that moment well, but Blaise didn’t see it :(
Good story. xx
Summary: This is my blatant attempt at romancing my favourite man. It is sung to the tune Santa, Baby.
I am Equinox Chick of Hufflepuff and this is my entry for the Winter Snows Extra Credit- Christmas Carol Parody.
*is laughing too hard*
Lol. Oh, Carole. That is so … you. Very good.
‘Cause I’ve put Amortentia on my Christmas list - Has to be my favourite line.
That’s not too much, for a Veela like me - You’re a Veela? Wow…
No, aside from the silliness, I think you did a good job with this. I know the song, the lyrics slot nicely, and it can be sung in tune and everything. Though I haven’t actually sung it, admittedly :]
The lyrics are great, actually. I have to say, they do very much fit Sirius. It’s the sort of stuff he would do.
Sirius, baby, and then we’ll be bonded for life. - great endnote. You can tell it’s the end too, even without the tune.
Good job. xx
Author's Response: OOOH, I never responded to you. Hmmm, I do seem to be 'selling tickets on myself' don't I? Calling myself a Veela as well as a witch. I'm glad you enjoyed the song. Carole xxx