Hi! I have pruned back this page recently to show only my best work. In addition I have deleted all chaptered fics that I have no plans for finishing in the near future. I have saved all the reviews from my deleted fics -- I'm sorry if I never replied to the review you left >.> Thanks everyone! In the future I'll hopefully get Weakness finished, and a few more poems up maybe. xx
She wrenched her thoughts away from the sculls of her dream and looked up. - ‘skulls’.
After an hour they reached the top. - I never got the impression that it took quite that long to navigate through the tunnel.
“This helps plan my class, to see which students have the true brain of Potioneer.”
- ‘of a Potioneer’. Was this the fic you were asking for in the bar?
I really enjoyed reading your Gauntlet. The mood carried through this chapter was enticing. It starts quite uplifted, happy, but then it drops to sadder tones. I liked your use of the Patronus at the end and Remus telling Tonks to visit the Shrieking Shack. I felt as if that kept a connection between them, however much they were ignoring it.
Scene at the train station - awesome characterisation of the twins. And I laughed at Dora’s thoughts on the weather. That’s England for you! Lol.
Good work. xx
Author's Response: Hey Inspirations Thank-you for the review. Skulls- hmmmm yes that needs changing- although there is a fish basket called a scull spelt that way. I know I won't get away with that! Okay the tunnel:- The tunnel to Honeydukes takes about an hour as Harry finds out in POA. The one to the Shrieking Shack may not take quite as long but in POA it says '...it felt at least as long as the one to Honeydukes...', but they were looking for signs of Death Eater activity so they would be taking their time. Potioneer- yes I was asking in the bar about that but I may use it in my other fic. I rather like the word now *winks*. I'd seen Potionist used but it didn't seem quite right. Ha, Tonks and the weather. That's one of my lines from real life. It always rains during Wimbledon fortnight, after all. I'm glad you liked the twins as they were the hardest to write, in all honesty. I've very pleased you enjoyed this story. It's been a challenge but a pleasure to write it. Carole
She had gone through childhood living under the cloud of the Black family and her mother's refusalto talk to her about it. - you need ‘refusal to’.
Great start! I’m intrigued. You’ve taken a different approach to me, and you’ve stuck it in the midst of a canon event. I like your Dora, especially the ideas you associate with the veil through her.
I’m pretty sure the lines at the beginning are quoted from the books (forgive me if I’m wrong, I haven’t checked but they sound so familiar). If they are, you’ll have to highlight them in some way and say where you took them from, else it’s classed as plagiarism. Just thought I’d let you know - I don’t want you to get into trouble.
in this day and age, it got a fellow killed, acting in that way. - the wording seems a little awkward to me. I had to read it a few times until I understood. Might just be me though…
Are you going to begin calling me Snivellus like Potter and the rest of his ego-ridden scumbags do? - I don’t think ‘do’ is necessary to this sentence.
I like Severus’ outburst, but then when Lily goes you say he begins to cry. That seems a bit OOC to me. I think his eyes might sting with tears or something, but I can’t imagine him letting them fall. He’d be annoyed, angry, and bitter. To keep his small remaining pride, he wouldn’t let himself cry.
The other Marauders had all winced with James had gotten slapped - ‘when James had been’.
Your characterisation of Dumbledore was spot on, but I felt as if Severus was a bit rude to him. Well, he was. But I think, even in his school years, Snape would’ve treated Dumbledore with a bigger respect. I loved the scene, but I don’t think Severus would’ve been quite so intense in his anger. He would try to calm himself when faced with the teacher.
Good chapter, all the same; I look forward to seeing how all plays out. xD
I am luinrina of Hufflepuff, and this is my story for the seventh round of the Gauntlet.
I want to read the next chapter so much, but I really don’t have enough time. :( Ah, well, I’ll just review you for now instead.
I’ve said it on other stories by you, Bine, but I love your use of language. What time period is this set in? The order you’ve used words in isn’t how we would today, but it adds to the story, even though it confused me slightly in a couple of places. And I love the use of no contractions, by the way.
The characterisation of Isla is lovely. She’s so different to the majority of pureblood Blacks - I look forward to seeing more of her in the rest of the story.
What struck me about this was how it went from such little worries about this person called Bob to, ‘Oh God! My brother is dead!’ Well, Isla isn’t quite like that, but you know. That’s probably what she’s thinking.
I had tried explaining him my reasons - ‘to him’.
Silence surrounded me completely, and I felt embraced by a soft dark veil, only that it was not a warm embrace but a cold one. - I love this sentence. Such powerful imagery, but so simple! I would take out ‘that’ though - it would flow better without.
Surprisingly, though, I was back to call him by his first name. - Did you mean ‘calling’ here?
My shadow fell onto the first landing, and I took a deep breath. I also just realised that the house looked gloomy and was ghastly silent - this builds up a sense of foreboding so well. I especially liked the use of ‘shadow’. This continues excellently when Isla enters the room.
Great story - I look forward to reading the next chapter. You have me intrigued.
Author's Response: Oh my Helga, another review! Yay! *huggles* And thanks for that lovely compliment. :)
The story plays in the late 1860s, so I decided - adding to the fact that Isla is from a wealthy family - that without contractions it would sound more like her being from upper class and all. Also, What Is To Happen is a companion story to my other WIP, Shining Through Blackness, if you want to read more about Isla. I just edited chapter thirteen and sent it off to my beta so another update shall follow soon.
Also thanks for your nitpicks. I'll look into them. *hugs*
Sirius Black stumbles onto a most curious scene while checking up on one of his closest friends, the wife of his best mate. Lost and confused he follows the signs until they reach into a depth unknown to him. From this point, he seeks the help of another dear friend, and together they think, suffer, and laugh their way to some answers and some dead ends. Only in the end, do they find the answer to the one question that burns in their minds: how will we go on?
I am MerryD of Hufflepuff and this was written for the Gauntlet Round Seven
Hi, Mere! Well. I’m surprised this only has one review -- you write really well. I’ve only read the first chapter, and I look forward to moving on. You’ve built up the beginning of the mystery well.
Sirius’ characterisation intrigues me. Not telling James right away seems somewhat deceitful, but I suppose he wants to know why Lily’s dead first … Hm.
The sense of Sirius being watched had me on the edge of my seat. I fully expected someone to jump out from behind that chair and ‘avada kedavra’ him. Even though they didn’t, I still feel as if the killer -- or maybe Lily in her spiritual form -- was watching him.
I liked that he didn’t jump to the worst until he saw the blood and went through the possible, limited, theories. I almost laughed when he wondered whether the blood was from her ‘time of the month’ -- and I probably would’ve if the scene weren’t so serious. It’s just so … Sirius. Or it’s a glint of the Sirius we see in a lot of Marauder-era fan fiction anyway, but more down-to-earth.
The eeriness of this chapter kept me interested. I could feel a sense of that building up as he got closer to the chair, which was effective.
It screamed of eeriness. It screamed of stillness. It screamed of emptiness.
It screamed of death.
I love the emphasis in ‘screamed’. It’s like -- that is the point in this chapter where your lips part in an ‘o’. If you know what I mean. :/
The character development for Lily, even though she’s gone, was great. I got a feel for who she is, and why Sirius could find no other solution.
I liked it - a great start. Good work. xx
Author's Response: O.o This story does seem to attract some great reviewers. Thank you very much for your wonderful review, inspirations! Sirius's reason for not telling James is explained later on...in the next chapter, I think. >.> I think my head has grown a size or two from all your comments. ;) I'm so glad you liked it and I hope you read on. Thanks again! xox Mere
So usually, I don’t like lengthy descriptions of what a character’s wearing, but it was a great way to start. You could feel Angelina’s excitement and nervousness. It was great. And it sounds like a gorgeous dress too XD
She was acting like a girly teenager discovering that boys weren’t a species created only to torment girls. - LOL. I’m assuming that she’s, maybe, early twenties? She’s not over thirty, anyway, is she?
The second passage was great, though at first I didn’t realise we’d skipped back in time >.< I thought it was later that day. The scene in the shop was good. George spots her and she can’t just run away. It was kind of like confronting a fear, I suppose.
This was it; she could not hide from him anymore. - Ooh, I bet her heart was in her mouth. The short sentence here was effective - we got a little more feeling for the character just with that simple thing.
Honestly, it wasn’t a shock. - ‘honestly’ sounds like something you’d say aloud. It might just be me, but this phrase threw me slightly.
After all, how could have she forgotten his voice? - ‘how could she have’.
The red head man was standing behind the cash register, speaking animatedly with two boys who seemed to be in their teenage years. - I think it would make more sense to say ‘red haired’ or ‘red headed’. ‘Red head man’ sounds a bit weird. And I love the use of ‘animatedly’. It’s perfect for George.
“Don’t really have a choice; he’s married to my sister.” - he turns it into a joke after he’s said this, in a way, but I always got the feeling that Fred, George and Harry were good mates - especially after he gave them the money. Even when Fred died, I don’t think their relationship would change all that much. Here, George sounds almost like he doesn’t like Harry that much.
“Ah! An excellent choice!” George exclaimed before reaching for the cage door. - I had to laugh there. It’s so George. LOL.
Good work. xx
Author's Response: Oh thank you inspiration for you lovely review! I'm glad that you enjoyed my entry! Aren't fics for the Winter challenges always fun? :) About the dress, if you were wondering, I took my inspiration on the H&M web site, they always have great dresses! And yes, Angelina is in her early twenties, don't worry, she's not that old! (not that I think being over thirty is old, don't get me wrong here) I would've been excited in her place, knowing she'd have the pleasure to spend the evening with George after all this time! About the "Don't really have a choice. he's married to my sister" part, I wanted it to sound like a joke, like he was just being sarcastic about it (so typical of him). I should've made him roll his eyes to the ceiling to show it better. Anyway, thanks again!
The way you highlighted the times was different. I’ve never seen that used in fan fiction before but, nevertheless, it was effective. It gave me a bit more sense of … being in the story I suppose. Being there with Tonks, monitoring her thoughts… Plus, we got a feeling for the speed in which time was passing.
The thing that stood out to me most about this chapter was the italicised speeches. Like, when Tonks thinks back to what Dumbledore said, his words were in italics. When I read those bits, in my mind, I could here the specific character’s voice, but it echoed through my brain, and sounded like something from the past. And you know, when we think back to things that have happened in RL, the voices do echo, so it worked well.
I’ve never read a story in which Andromeda isn’t with Ted for the whole course of Tonks’ childhood, nor where Tonks doesn’t like her mother. It’s a sad thought, and I personally find that scenario hard to believe, but there’s nothing to contradict it in canon, so it’s fine. I think it’ll be interesting to see how this notion plays with Tonks’ emotions during the course of the story.
‘Don’t start calling me that just because she’s back!’ Tonks spat at her father. She shook her head and stared down at the pathetic woman. ‘I was here. I cared enough for Sirius to be here.’
This part shows a lot about the family. Though, before I went onto Tonks’ bit I thought it was Andromeda speaking. It shows how all the relationships work. Ted and Tonks are probably close, but Ted loves Andromeda still. Or he respects her at least. It shows us a snippet of Ted’s personality as well, which I like.
I have a couple of nit-picks:
She hopped up on a stool and began to use the tolerance she built up during many an auror party. - ‘auror’ should be capitalised. And ‘up on to’ would sound better.
Looking around at the empty pub, Tonks felt awkward sitting at the empty bar. - the repetition of ‘empty’ is distracting. How about ‘vacant’ or ‘bare’ to replace one of them?
Other than that, good story so far.
Author's Response: Thank :) I developed the Andromeda plotline in Winter's Last Chill, and after DH, I don't necessarily buy my own interpretation of Andromeda being absent through Tonks's childhood. I took the absent Andromeda idea from OotP when Tonks seems obviously a bit hostile towards her mother. I just never saw the two of them as getting along, and considering she calls herself 'Tonks' after her dad's surname, I just kind of figured that was an indication of a strained relationship.
It takes a little luck to get the potion of Felix Felicis right!Written for Ascending into Alchemy final Fall Term 2008.
Hey, Shar. :] Well, this was quite a different story to the usual ones I read, but it was a good different. I love how you’ve crafted out how this potion has to be made, and by doing that, you’ve shown how much work goes in to every potion, and how great it is to get a perfect result.
I know the story isn’t about Slughorn, as such, but that’s the one thing I would’ve liked to see more of from this fic. He’s the one making the potion, and it might’ve been nice if you’d included a few more of his thoughts or feelings. That way I would’ve felt the emotions behind such a complex potion more, something I didn’t get much of a feel for in the fic. For example, when he’s adding the dragon blood. You make it clear that this is the moment where it could all go wrong. I know if it were me, I would be terrified of messing up, etc., but how’s Slughorn feeling? This potion is important to him, and that’s the most important moment of the brewing. At that point, maybe a line like ‘he took a deep breath, and then carefully tipped in the first drop’ would be good... or something to that affect. :]
Slughorn was pretty sure he was the youngest professor at Hogwarts, until he came to know of Albus Dumbledore, just twenty-two.
I’m fairly sure in HBP that there’s a few comments exchanged between Dumbledore and Slughorn on age, and we find out that Dumbledore is older...
Now, as mentioned in your other review, there is no dialogue in this – I really didn’t notice, and I think that’s a great achievement. This story really engaged me, and I could see quite clearly what there was to love about potion making, while judging by the books it’s one of those arts that many don’t like. But you show that a true potioneer loves brewing potions, and the affects can be amazing when it’s done right. You’ve made a subject that seems pretty bad in the books due mainly to the Trio’s view on Snape, come across as something that is interesting, rewarding, and not all that bad.
He’d managed to get rid of the lowly job of Potions Apprentice in the Apothecary at Hogsmeade, and catapulted himself into the big league.
That line is great. Immediately Slughorn’s character shines through, just by saying that he’s climbed to the job he really wants. It reminds me of the Slug Club, and how he makes himself useful contacts out of it. Slughorn is ambitious, and cares for himself quite a bit, and in that first paragraph I feel as if you managed to capture that aspect of him well. In fact, despite the focus of this story being the potion, you wrote every Slughorn bit very well, like the mention of ‘greed’.
I think you did a great job with this, dear. Well done! xx
Hmm, different pairing. And, weirdly, I actually found it quite believable.
I liked the introduction part. When we passed onto the next scene though, I was confused, because you’d took a pretty hefty jump back in time, yet there was no initial indicator to this, and I thought it was the same day at first. Yeah - so it might be an idea to clear that up a bit. However, I expected it at the end, so that was fine. Also, at the beginning, there were a couple long, perplexing sentences. It would’ve been nice if some of these were split up a bit.
Whoever was after her was apparently worse than he could ever be, or the little Gryffindor wouldn’t have stayed in his presence. - ‘Little’? I know it’s Blaise, but I can’t imagine him thinking of a girl, just a year younger, like that.
But now he saw that whatever tiny chance he might have had to win Ginny had flown out the window the minute Potter reappered. - ‘reappeared’.
I liked the third person omniscient narration (I think that‘s what it‘s called), because most stories similar to this are set out in first person, so you get a direct view into the person’s head. I think, for your story, your method was more effective.
At the end, I couldn’t help but wonder what Ginny was thinking. You built up to that moment well, but Blaise didn’t see it :(
Good story. xx
*is laughing too hard*
Lol. Oh, Carole. That is so … you. Very good.
‘Cause I’ve put Amortentia on my Christmas list - Has to be my favourite line.
That’s not too much, for a Veela like me - You’re a Veela? Wow…
No, aside from the silliness, I think you did a good job with this. I know the song, the lyrics slot nicely, and it can be sung in tune and everything. Though I haven’t actually sung it, admittedly :]
The lyrics are great, actually. I have to say, they do very much fit Sirius. It’s the sort of stuff he would do.
Sirius, baby, and then we’ll be bonded for life. - great endnote. You can tell it’s the end too, even without the tune.
Good job. xx
Author's Response: OOOH, I never responded to you. Hmmm, I do seem to be 'selling tickets on myself' don't I? Calling myself a Veela as well as a witch. I'm glad you enjoyed the song. Carole xxx
Nice, I don’t usually read Draco, but I’m pleased I did this time. I loved the way Astoria and Draco are so similar but, in a way, they clash. It’s like he says this, she throws it back in his face with that. Lol.
The characterisation for both characters was lovely. I liked how they both left the party, for basically the same reason.
I noticed that she had taken off her shoes, and her hair didn’t look as proper as most of the women out there had. - Draco noticing a little thing like her hair, though it doesn’t jump out at us, was a nice, subtle touch.
We just stared out into the dark night invaded by perfect flakes of snow that fell softly to the ground. I didn’t think they would stick, but it was still a nice sight. - Draco appreciates the snow? Aww… I like that idea, and the imagery is fitting for the story.
“Because you nearly tore my arms out of their sockets earlier — and your arrogance was annoying me.” - great line. Two arrogant people, picking on the other’s arrogance. Their conversation was entertaining.
“I think it’s worse that you’re the one who left your own family’s party. They’ll notice your esteemed absence far before mine,” she said dryly, and picked the book she had been reading. - ‘picked up’? I liked the use of ‘dryly’. It says a lot about Astoria.
It seemed more like she was merely stating a fact, and not adding any personal feelings or judgment come into it. - you need to remove ‘come’. Or you could change ‘adding’ to ‘letting’, though that would change the meaning slightly.
She didn’t seem to mind and slipped it one regardless. - ‘slipped it on’.
“This is beautiful, though, isn’t it?” she said softly, her voice very different from - from what? I’m thinking ‘before’ and in that case, I like the change in her tone.
But for some reason I had the knowledge that she truly was listening, not matter how short her responses were. - ‘no matter’.
My favourite bit has to be where she introduces herself. Bowing to Malfoy? Heehee.
I liked the end, because we know they’re going to turn back, but I didn’t expect them to collide on their way back to each other. There was something warming about the hug, too, and it made me smile.
Good story. xx
Ooh, I love the insight we have into Scrimgeour’s character here, and the battle blazing inside him about a hat, of all things, is somewhat funny.
Rufus Scrimgeour sat down in the large, luxurious, leather chair. - this sentence struck me immediately. The list of three and alliteration. To me, that emphasises his power. I’m not entirely sure why, but it does. In fact, you kept up the description the whole way through, and usually I like a balance between dialogue and imagery, but this didn’t bore me at all. You kept my attention the whole way through.
Scrimgeour was unable tear his eyes away from it. - ‘to tear’.
The years hat not been kind to the old lime bowler. - LOL. I love the typo there. I think you mean ‘had not’.
When he had gone the Triwizard Tournament and represented the entire Ministry, he had worn that hat. - ‘gone to the’.
He reached out a pale hand and snatched the hat back out of the brim. - ‘out of the bin’?
Cornelius Fudge stared right back at him. - I love the way that Scrimgeour is terrified, almost, of becoming another Fudge. I think that is what interested me most about this piece. Scrimgeour seems to be trying to convince himself that he will be a powerful Minister of Magic, and he won’t mess up like Fudge did. Of course, we know that in a way they are both as bad as each other.
The description surrounding the hat was lovely, as it really symbolised what Fudge’s time in the office was like. The wording was perfect.
He, Rufus Scrimgeour, was the Minister of Magic. - this last line is very definite, which makes it more powerful. It’s very final, and was a great endnote.
Good work. x
Author's Response: Thank you for all of your feedback!
Oh, man. I knew they were going to get together eventually - *it was set in the stars* - but I did not see that coming when he knocked on the door.
That was a lovely chapter. Andromeda’s reluctance to let Teddy go with Harry was perfect - not overdone at all. I like that she acknowledges what Dora would’ve wanted, and what Harry wants.
The mention of Molly made me think. When she killed Bellatrix in DH, I didn’t think much of it, though I was a bit surprised. But this woke me up - how would having the knowledge that she’d killed someone (even the Dark Lord’s most faithful servant) affect her? I bet all around everybody is telling her how fantastic it was, and she probably knows it too, but would she feel guilty or what?
Kingsley is such a gentleman. >> Or something to that affect, anyway. :]
His hands wrapped around hers as she struggled to remove his clothes. He stopped her, and pulled away from her embrace.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
The same tiny voice screamed no, but she ordered it shut up.
“Yes,” she whispered to him. “I want this.”
I suppose this will make Andromeda feel really good … until the next morning. Will she feel guilty, because she’s probably only ever done that sort of thing with Ted before (or so I’ve always assumed)? I get this impression from the ’voice in her head’. The next chapter will be interesting.
Rushing around the house, Andromeda threw Teddy’s favorite toys in a bag. Every few seconds, she would stop with a toy in her hand debating if it should go in the bag.
The repetition of ‘bag’ is distracting. Maybe you could change it to ‘debating whether to pack it’ or something similar.
Still, after everything he’d done for her, all she managed to do for him was give him a crappy meal while Teddy slept.
Somebody else may disagree, but I cannot imagine Andromeda using the word ‘crappy’. I know it’s not first person PoV, but third person omniscient is close enough, I think. It just threw me slightly.
She sat aside the spoon she’d been using to stir the sauce and rushed to open it. - ‘set’ and not ‘sat’.
Good work. I look forward to chapter five. xx
Author's Response: Naturally, Andromeda is reluctant to see Teddy go. But I've never thought of her as a selfish person. She'll do what's best for everyone. Of course, she cares about what her daugther wants. And Teddy needs interaction oustide the home.
Sigh. I guess your Bella and Molly comments mean I'm writing this the way I meant to, but still. Ouch! I love Bella. Adore her. Actually believe she didn't die in DH. However, it was easier for this fic to leave her dead. Bella has no rule and explaining that she's alive would do nothing for the plot. And I really hate Molly. I think she's controlling, demanding, and petty. But I tried to write this the way Andromeda would be thinking. I really doubt she has any fondness for her sister, and she has no reason to dislike Molly, especially when she was close to Dora and Teddy's godfather.
But despite my personal feelings about Molly I don't think she would respond well to taking a life. She's a bit ridiculous and annoying, but she's far from a killer. Having Bella's blood on her hands would be very hard for her to deal with.
And you make very good observations about the story. The morning after is indeed the next chapter. So far there have been time gaps between the chapters, but the next morning is important to the plot. Although, I will warn you, this is not a long fic. It's ten chapters long. Just so you're not expecting a novel or anything here.
Also thanks for the nitpicks. I've fixed the errors. Some of which I meant to fix in the first place. Like crappy. LOL. I never did find the right word for that sentence.
Thanks for the really lovely review. Sorry for all the Bella and Molly ranting. I just love my Bella.
That was exactly how I’d imagined Andromeda would be. The sum up of how she felt, about Ted watching her: realistic. I hope she lets Kingsley back in, all the same. Everybody will be sad else. :[
No, Andromeda’s feelings were perfectly done. Sometimes, I get the feeling that my dead are watching over me. Not quite the same situation, but it helps when you think like that to get in Andromeda’s shoes.
“Andromeda.” - that’s Harry speaking right? That’s the impression I got, but the word sounded flat, as if somebody beside her was just saying her name. I would use an exclamation mark to make it sound more far away - like a call. But you might be going for a different effect…
Good chapter. xx
Author's Response: Thanks so much. I'm glad Andromeda's reaction came off right. I was a little worried I might have overdone some of it.
As for Kingsley, well of course, Andromeda is struggling. But who could give Kingsley the cold shoulder forever?
I do like this story. This is my favourite chapter so far. The words, phrases, and atmosphere - it does a good job of showing the reader what it’s like to have an infant. But with this, you also have Andromeda’s grief coupled on the top of that.
With his little hand, he reached towards the owl, closing his tiny fingers around the beak. - I can really see that happening. It makes you think of any small child - the movement and the description. I like the way you use a toy owl, of all things. Muggle kids wouldn’t have one of those. XD
The room settled in silence. Everyone was exhausted. Teddy had fallen asleep in Andromeda’s arms, and she rested her head against the chair, closing her eyes. - I could actually feel the silence. And, granted, the room I’m in is silent, but I could feel the calmness, the tiredness. I could see the baby in Andromeda’s arms.
Maybe her grandson felt as safe in Kingsley’s arms as she did.
“Thank you,” she whispered as Kingsley lowered the sleeping infant back into the crib. “You must have the magical touch.”
That made me smile. It was mainly the word ‘magical’ that did it for me, but the whole concept of those couple of lines is nice. Andromeda finds comfort in Kingsley’s arms, Kingsley’s presence. Teddy finds comfort in Kingsley’s arms, Kingsley’s presence.
It’ll be interesting to see how this fic plays out. Good work. xx
Author's Response: Wow, thanks. I really appreciate the long review. I was actually a little leery of my ability to write about a baby having never been around them much. I'm glad it's coming of well. Thanks so much for all your wonderful comments.
Oh my God - I had to blink so much at the end of that to stop myself crying. That was a beautiful chapter - you captured Andromeda’s anguish so precisely. It made me even sadder when it ended though, because I wanted him to tell her everything was all right, and Tonks and Remus were coming back. But of course, he doesn’t - he can’t.
She paced around the room, disturbing Teddy in her arms. - ‘she’d’?
The soundless house made her uncomfortable. - I don’t like the repetition of ‘house’. How about considering changing it to ‘rooms’ or something similar?
You’re mom is always putting herself in dangerous positions. - ‘your’.
This chapter was quite magical in a way, because you linked the idea of all the horrible silence (which Meda is so unused to) from the beginning, to the middle, to the end. I think it was effective to keep the idea running all the way.
The one thing that bugged me about this chapter though, is the sentence length. Shorter sentences are very effective, and they are in this chapter too - they fit it perfectly, but I think you overused them. In some places, you have two or three different sentences, where they could be just as successful rolled into one. I think you should keep the majority of this in short sentences, it reflects how Andromeda is feeling well, but it would be better if you chucked a few more longer ones in. Someone else may disagree with me on that, though. That’s purely my opinion.
There were no signs of comfort there. A single tear fell down his cheek. - This sentence confused me at first as I though Kingsley was offering her no comfort, but then I got it. And it’s lovely and sad that he’s crying too, but I always imagined Kingsley as harder than that. You know? I think he would try to keep his composure just to make it a little less hard for Andromeda. Though he may cry with her, or his eyes might be full of tears … Or he could struggle to tell her, and that would be enough for her to know. And then the tear could come.
She didn’t feel his touch or know where she was. She only knew that her baby was gone. - that’s a great way of describing the grief. I think that line alone really got through to me, as the reader.
I look forward to the next chapter - I really liked this one. x
Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely review and suggestions. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter.
LOL. Good story. I liked the way it’s centred around James being too old for trick or treating, though if James is too old, why is Victoire there? Isn’t she quite a few years older than the whole lot of them?
James strode confidently ahead of the others, jauntily swinging a cauldron in one hand and a lantern in the other. - yes, that sounds exactly like the James II I imagine. XD
The pride everyone feels in their monster costumes is funny. The idea of James dressed up as Nearly Headless Nick made me laugh. Hm… I wonder how he’d pull that one off?
The Weasley grandchildren had not been troubled by such oddities, and their cauldrons had begun to fill with sweets and chocolate, even some Muggle money. Rose was turning over a pound coin in her hand thoughtfully, wondering how many Knuts she could exchange it for.
My favourite part. I love the use of ‘oddities’ as the story is based at Halloween. And Rose examining the one-pound coin reminds me of Ron so much! In PS/SS (I think it was), Harry got some money from the Dursleys, which Ron found interesting. Though, admittedly, he probably wasn’t wondering how much he’d get in wizarding terms for it.
Rose lending a Muggle kid a wizarding History book - I like that. She’s Hermione’s daughter, so it’s quite an amusing concept when you consider her mother’s character.
A couple of nit-picks:
Victoire and Lily has smiled at them serenely and got on with business of finding silver cauldrons to match their outfits. - ‘had smiled’ and ‘the business’?
He wondered how the darkest being the wizarding world would react to having a lantern pole shoved up its… Rose! - ‘being in the’.
Good work. xx
‘Reluctant Love’ was awesome, so I had to read this. And it rocks. I love that it fills in the time-gap with a few details, but it leaves the rest to your imagination. Plus there was no Lily in this one, so she couldn’t complicate anything xD
The beginning was great. The way you mentioned no names - I like that. It kept me there, wanting to find out who these people were.
The mention of this Hufflepuff obsessed with inter-house unity. Lol. I get the impression Scorpius and him don’t quite see eye-to-eye, but I don’t think Scorpius totally disagrees with the unity thing either. He’s there at the party for one, and he gets on with Rose (by the end), and he used to be friends with Lily too, though you don’t tell us whether he still is. But then it doesn’t really matter.
They remained entwined until their lips had almost bruised and the sounds from above were impossible to ignore.
Love the imagery there. The word ‘bruised’ made me stop and wince. Heehee. I also liked the description of Rose when Scorpius first sees her. That was well handled - I could very much imagine the scene.
As he strolled along the room - ‘along’ doesn’t seem like the right word.
Accio quill - you don’t mention anything about ink, and a quill kind of depends on that :)
Anyways, good work. And I would read more if you wrote it -- I love the characters you’ve woven. xx
Author's Response: I didn't think about the ink thing... ugh. lol. I'll fix 'along', it should be 'through' I suppose. Thanks for such a lovely review! I think he and Lily would have gotten over their problems, actually. She never liked him as much as Rose did. ~ Casie
Before I visited your drabble thread I’d never read slash. But this is so beautifully written, so I’m pleased I delved in. What attracted me was the way Remus is scared of anyone finding out his secret, but at the same time, it makes him deliriously happy - the secretiveness serving only to make the relationship even better. Or that’s how I see it, at least. xD
The idea of ‘addiction’ that you carried from the beginning to end was nice. Holding onto this concept was effective.
Your use of second person was… *melts* A lot of authors, including myself, find this difficult to stop getting repetitive, and I hate repetition where there’s no reason, so you handled the point of view well, because I had no reason to get annoyed at ‘you’ for every other word. If that made sense. Because it wasn’t like that.
His tree. The tree. - I like the emphasis on ‘tree’ there. That’s the sort of repetition I love :D
Also, the second person didn’t give too much away. At the end, you know what they’re doing, but because Remus doesn’t outright tell us anything, it leaves more for the imagination.
The characterisation is handled well. Sirius was the outgoing, more carefree person, while Remus was more contained. Or from third person he would’ve been, I should think. I especially got this sense at the beginning when Sirius knocked Remus over.
“Wha—Oh, right,” - you need a question mark after the hyphen, because he was going to ask something.
Good work. I loved the way you handled this. xx
Author's Response: *huggles* Thanks! I love Remus and Sirius both as characters, so I'm glad you liked them as I wrote them! I'll make that nitpick xD Thanks!
That was lovely, Lexy. I was so drawn into the story - kind of disappointing when it ended :(
First off - that dream caught me. It really reflected the mood, how the sky changed so quickly, and the images whooshing through her brain kept being interrupted by the insistence that she get up.
Marie. Urgh. I was in Ellie’s shoes the whole time when they were together. Scribbling on her homework!? If it were me, I would’ve lost my rag, but I suppose Ellie is used to it.
Ben’s character intrigued me the most. His calmness was mystifying, but he is a great person to put by Ellie’s side. The perfect brother.
The beginning was excellent. I knew what it meant straight away, but it was the greatest start note. And the end. The lack of dialogue tags there was effective - I could imagine the firmness in the last statement, but all the other emotions too. Also, the reactions, etc, were there, in my imagination. I loved that you left those little things to the mind.
Where had it gone to? - I don’t think ‘to’ is necessary to the question.
Excellent first story, honey.
Author's Response: [Squishes] Yay! I was just about to PM you. Haha. But you beat me to it.
I liked the dream to :) So thank you. Lol. A few people thought I should change it a bit keep the dreams and reality seperate, to make it clearer, but I liked it this way :).
Marie. Ew. Lol. I don't like her much either. Actually, I based her off of my own sister, back when we were little. Except, she was nowhere near as bad as Marie...
Yeah. Lol. Ben is exactly what I would want as a brother, I must say. Although he proberbly is a slight Gary-Stu. >.>
I'll just go change that line. Lol. Thank you so much for the amazing reveiw :) And thank you for all the lovely complements! :) -Lexy