Hi! I have pruned back this page recently to show only my best work. In addition I have deleted all chaptered fics that I have no plans for finishing in the near future. I have saved all the reviews from my deleted fics -- I'm sorry if I never replied to the review you left >.> Thanks everyone! In the future I'll hopefully get Weakness finished, and a few more poems up maybe. xx
Summary: Lily is engaged to James, but there's one person she can't forget, no matter how hard she tries. RL/LE, JP/LE.
This was different to the usual Lily fics. Usually it's all head over heals in love with James. It's a nice change ... You described everything really well which created a good picture in my head. Good story :)
Author's Response: Thanks so much! I've always envisioned Remus as being Lily's first love, really, and I wanted to explore that further. Glad you liked it. :)
Summary: Ron had the perfect plan. He was going to ask Hermione to marry him. However, his perfect plan gets ruined when his family comes home and he loses the ring. This night was supposed to be perfect; can he fix the mess and still win Hermione over?
I am GinervaPotter213 of Huflepuff and this is my entry for the I Challenge Thee challenge. My challenge is to write a one-shot of Ron proposing to Hermione including a lost engagement ring, the Weasley family and Luna.
Aww ... cute! I thought the loosing of the ring would be quite a funny dilemma, but it was so serious, I actually felt sorry for the panicked Ron (even though I knew it'd be ok in the end). Ronald was quite in character (I think). Loved the final line - it made me laugh out loud. Good job!
Author's Response: Thanks. I rather like that final line as well. :)
Summary: Sirius Black was disowned from his family upon discovering his strong Gryffindor qualities and beliefs. These are the words of a hurt, neglected son to his cruel mother.
I admit it - I never read poetry, but tonight I just got the urge, and I am so glad I picked yours. I loved it. It rhymed and made sense ... and excellent. Maybe I should have a go at poems. Though like I said at the beginning, I much prefer reading a story. Umm ... it's rare you read a poem so good - it's really well written, and the phrases you put together were great! I hope to see more fanfic from you. :)
Author's Response: Thanks so much! I never read poetry either...I'm really flattered, seeing as this is my first try at fanfiction. I didn't expect people to actually like it! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. :)
Summary: An empty bed and a note on the table cause Tonks to think her worst nightmare is being repeated.
Nice story. I think it was a bit repetitive - you seemed to keep re-visiting Tonks' worry, but overall it was good. I particularly liked this line:
"She caught a glimpse of the tips of her hair flashing every colour of the rainbow as her morphing abilities were carried along by the tidal wave of emotion that swept her."
I think that's a really beautiful idea, and it kept the idea of magic alive. Well done!
Summary: It is June 1976 and The Marauders are at the top of their game. From the outside they look to have everything.But appearances, as the saying goes, can be deceptive.
James is discovering that not everything in life is his for the taking. Sirius knows he will have to defy his formidable family. Remus lives in constant fear of his life beyond Hogwarts. As for Peter... Well, Peter is struggling to live up to his friends.
The ties of friendship are strong, but war is raging and with a dark power rising those ties will inevitably fray.
Added to the mix is an adversary called Severus Snape, some lost House Points, a prank or two and a whole lot of Lily.
This is a Marauder tale.
This is a story of what made them special.
This is a story of why it started to go wrong for The Lions of Gryffindor.
OH MY GOOD GODRIC! Lions of Gryffindor won the 2009 QSQ for Best Marauders' Era Story. Amazed and incredibly grateful to those who nominated, judged and have beta'd this fic. THANK YOU.
Trick or Treat!
3. She clicks on her mouse and swipes her wand;
Some stories go up, and some stories are gone.
Stories of her own? Why, she has plenty!
Fewer than one-hundred, but far more than twenty.
Good chapter, Carole. I liked all the thinking going on, it gave us a nice insight into the way the characters think.
She looks nervous, he thought. - You need the first bit in italics, if it is a thought. Other things I think are thoughts, so should be italicised are:
“Salazar be praised! The great James Potter is afraid of water!”
‘Shame about the squint though.’
Those two are in quotations, but they didn’t seem spoken to me.
The practical exam over and Peter’s relief was palpable. - did you want ‘was over’? That would make more sense.
“Could be?” Sirius had said. - This didn’t seem like a question to me.
Now I’ll have to find time to read your other fic. The one chapter I’ve read seemed really good. Well done with both!
I enjoyed that chapter, and look forward to reading the rest. I like your take on Peter's characterisation, and it'll be nice to see how you develop that. I thought Remus' outburst was a bit OOC at first, but then I remembered how he tried to run out on Tonks, and I realised, maybe not. And I like the reason why James' stopped bullying Snape. I think it's a really nice idea.
“Your stupid stunt today has cost Gryffindor fifty house points and has probably lost us the House Cup. You had better think of some way to make up those points, otherwise Ravenclaw will win again, and that will not make me happy!” She looked at them briefly then waved her hand impatiently. “Go on! Get out of here.”
I never thought of McGonagall as the sort to be that competitive (except in Quidditch haha). In PS/SS she takes 150 points from the Trio, and shows nothing except her anger at them being out of bed. I think she'd be very much the same in this situation. Also, I don't think she'd use the word "stupid". Though "stunt" is a good way to describe it.
Well done! :)
Author's Response: OOOH My first review. Thank-you for the copmments. I take your point about McGonagall but I've always thought of her as competitive plus what angered her about this incident was that they were bullying Snape and that's not how Gryffindors should behave. I'm glad you liked this chapter- there's alot more to come! .
Carole! You couldn’t resist the poetry *shakes head* Ah well, you’ve certainly got a well characterised Sirius and James. I also like your Fat Lady. It’s nice to see her a bit more in depth.
You two haven given me more grief than the rest of Gryffindor put together.
Did you mean ‘have’?
“We messed up. We’ve screwed up Gryffindors chances for the House Cup and I’m sorry for you, Frank. It must mean a lot to the Head Boy to win it.
You need the speech-marks at the end of this sentence.
I like your reference to the memory in DH. Nice touch.
Dugbog? Again … there’s a lot of recurrences going on in the last few bits of writing I’ve read that you’ve written - lol. :D
“I thought we were a team. If any one person won us the cup it certainly wasn’t you with your morale-destroying team talks.
You need speech marks again.
Also, nice reference to the Mclaggens.
Another great chapter, Carole. I can’t wait to see more :)
Summary: Everything is changing for Rose Weasley.
This was originally for the 'I Challenge Thee Challenge,' but I think it maybe too late.
Great story, it was a different take on things. I liked the way you kept Rose's relationship with Scorpius quite mysterious - right through to the end. The tenses sounded a bit awkward at times, but that might be me, as I'm not too good with the present tense. You balanced the description and dialogue well, with good use of imagery. I especially liked the descriptions including Al.
It’s like when autumn’s leaves begin to drift off of the branches. No one seems to notice that they’re slowly falling – not until snow covers bare branches.
Not a serious mistake here, you just repeated 'branches'. It would sound better without the repetition, but I can't think of another word off the top of my head. Good imagery by the way.
I want to run back to my bed, and, if only for a few minutes, go back to being the fifteen year old who had to stay up all night finishing homework every night because of a blossoming romance.
Repetition of 'night' this time. I'm kind of nit-picky. :)
They drink in every last glimpse, hold onto every surface, every crevice, they touch
I like the imagery here. It's beautiful.
My mother groans cuts my father off, which causes him to wrinkle his brow and gaze at her.
This doesn't really make sense. Did you want an 'and' after 'groans' maybe?
“Okay, later, even though today is a day for moving forward, Ron. No need to linger on the past and tell the story again.” My dad mumbles something that I can’t make out, something Uncle Harry must hear, because he laughs out loud.
I'm not really sure who's saying this. It's obviously not Ron, so the bit about him should go in a second paragraph.
“I should prolly talk to him…” My voice drifts off.
I'm not sure whether you did this on purpose, but I would use 'probably' here.
They glide across every surface, rapidly darting back and forth, trying to capture it all. He wants to remember, to suck in all into his brain and hold it in.
The words envelope us both. The world stops turning and we are left, standing there, facing each other. Two people, just two out of billions, connected by the grandness of everything, by a feeling neither of us saw in the other.
I just love the imagery in both the above passages.
Well done! You've done a good job.
Ooops - reading it back I've rambled on about your imagery. Lol.
Author's Response: Thank you so much! This wasn't beta'd because I was trying to slide it in for the challenge, so your comments really helped! Sometimes I just miss little things. Thank you for your input! I'm glad you liked it!
Summary: Why? Why had I done it? Why did I go around pushing away every good thing or person that ever happened to me? Was it just in my nature to ruin things?
Seventh year has ended, summer has begun, and Lily Evans has broken up with James Potter. Can she find the courage to ask for forgiveness? Will she finally find acceptance with James?
This story was inspired by the song "1 2 3 4" by Feist.
Wow, great story! I really enjoyed it, and usually I hate Lily/James fics as they’re all the same. You had a great balance of dialogue/description, and you placed the characters in a different scenario to usual. Also, I loved the last line. It was a great way to sign off the story. I have some comments etcetera, on bits and pieces so here we go:
I tiptoed back across the room, snatched up Jane Eyre from my bedside table, and settled in for a good long read.
LOVE the idea that Lily (the Muggle-Born) reads Muggle stories.
By the time morning came about and the sun made its appearance over the horizon, my head was drooping and Charlotte Bronte’s elegant banter was beginning to blur before my eyes.
The bolded bit really stood out to me when I read through. Excellent way to phrase it.
but Petunia had moved in with her detestable boyfriend, Vernon Dursley, at the start of the summer holidays.
I have added some commas in bold, as you need them around the name.
“I’m your mother, dear.”
Lol. That is so … mother-like?
But somehow, coming to a conclusion, which usually made me feel better, made me feel only worse.
This bit’s a bit choppy. It confused me first time round.
I felt like the little engine that could as I forced myself down the long driveway to the front door, chanting it in my head: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
I don’t get where engines come into it. Makes no sense.
“James, I…I just...I’m really…well.”
Lol. Tongue-tied - of course.
I needed James, needed him beside me as we started our lives, and I would need him beside me for the rest of my life.
This bit is a bit heart-wrenching, as if she’s just left school, she’d only be 18 and would only have 3 years of life left.
I don’t know whether you’re interested in Briticisms, but I noticed you spelt ‘pyjamas’ the British way, so I think you might like to have things similar to this pointed out. The English words are bolded:
Pants/trousers - pants in Britain are underwear
Taxicab/taxi - I’ve never heard anyone in Britain say ‘Taxicab’ but I might be wrong on this one.
Hope I’ve helped there!
I really enjoyed this story (think I said that earlier), and I’ll look out for more from you.
Summary: Hi there! My name is Alexandra Kathleen Potter, one of the legendary Potter twins, also known as the twins-who-lived. I'm known as one of the Gryffindor know-it-alls; the other know-it-alls are my best friend Hermione Granger and my mother, Lily Evans. It's great to see Hermione again, though I could do without having to be around some of the people I know I'll have to get along with. Thanks to Professor Dumbledore and Draco Malfoy, I am stuck in the year 1973. I won't be able to return to the 1990s until two years from now. Two years without seeing Harry! We’ve never been separated for so long before. But somehow I can see what’s happening in present day 1990 through Harry’s memories. So what happens between now and Christmas 1975/1995? I couldn’t tell you. I guess we’ll have to find out together.
Chapter Three has been validated!
Hello, dear. I was browsing through the Hufflepuff Review thread and decided to have a go. I don’t generally read professors stories as a rule as well, but yours sounded interesting (and it is)!
I like the start. It jumps in and sets the scene. But you say that she can see her dad downstairs, but where are Lily and Alex if they can see him? It would be nice to know her location, because without it the first paragraph doesn’t make the best sense.
In the distance I hear a laugh; a high pitched, cold, evil laugh, but mum and dad act like they don’t hear it. - *shudders* That description is so simple, but so strong and haunting. Like a sound from your deepest nightmare.
I didn’t want to see what happened, so I turned my head. - I’m not great with tenses, but I don’t think this sounds quite right. Shouldn’t it be I don’t want to see what’s happening, so I turn my head.
All I think is that I don’t want mummy to go, but the man says an incantation, and I see that blinding green light again. - That really isn’t that sad (seeing as I was expecting it) but tears have still filled my eyes.
In the dream at the beginning, how old are the twins? Alex seems to know kind of a lot, that’s all, and when Lily/James died in canon Harry was one year old.
“AH!” Alex screamed, snapping her head up and causing the five classmates or so around her to jump a foot out of their chairs, while the rest of the class looked up from their work.
“Yes, Miss Potter?”
Alex groaned, but just loud enough for Harry, her brother, and Ron, Harry’s best friend, to hear her. Oh great! Out of all the classes I could have fallen asleep in, I had to pick Potions.
I like that bit, but the first sentence is long - maybe consider changing the ‘five classmates or so’ to ‘few’, or something along those lines? And I thought she was saying the italicised bit aloud at first. It would be clearer in a new paragraph and with ‘Alex thought’ tacked on the end.
chillier then it should have been. - ‘than’ instead of ‘then’.
The only differences between her and her mum was the thin, lightning bolt scar on her forehead that she and her brother shared, and her eyes; where her mum had emerald, she had inherited her father’s. - sorry, hon, but it sounds like Alex and Harry literally share a forehead. And I like the comment on the eyes - it’s a cool concept that Harry should look like his dad but have Lily’s eyes, and Alex looks like Lily but has James’ eyes.
“So tell me Miss Potter, is there a reason you screamed during my class?” Snape inquired, glaring at her down his hook nose, making his way across the room.
“Or is it that you fell asleep in the middle of my class while you were supposed to be reading about the history of unicorn hair and the properties of which it contributes to potion making.”
By this time, Snape had already crossed the classroom from the Slytherin side to Alex’s desk, placed both of his pale hands on either side of her potions book, leaned down to get face to face with her, and had a smirk on his face.
Oh God - loving the Snape characterisation. Cutting across students, looking down his nose… fantastic! Though when someone speaks to somebody, you need to put a comma in front of the person they’re addressings name. That probably didn’t make much sense, but here it should be, So tell me, Miss Potter for example. Also, the repetition of ‘face’ is slightly distracting. Maybe you could change had a smirk on his face to wore a smirk. Or something like that, anyway. XD
What you really should be thinking about is how are you going to hand in the information you were required to obtain by the end of class, if the class is almost over, and you haven’t gotten a single sentence written on your parchment? - it’s almost like he changes question half way through here. You need to reorder ‘how are you’ to ‘how you are’.
Snape mentions McGonagall having a go at him for giving Alex detention. Unlikely, I think. She’s one of the stricter teachers for discipline, and Alex does deserve the detention. *dodges tomatoes*
By the time Snape finished giving her detention, half his next class was already in the dungeon classroom. - all Snape’s classes wait outside until he’s ready for them, I think. I always got that impression from the books, anyway. Please, disregard this nit-pick if I’m wrong. :]
A look of shock crossed Snape’s face when she said what the dream was about, but it so short that Alex mistook it as a trick of the light. - Did you miss a word out somewhere? After the comma, it doesn’t make sense.
One last thing: Alex wouldn’t think of her DADA professor by his first name. Stick to surnames :]
My favourite part of this chapter has to be the dream. Your prose in that part was so lovely - the description created a great atmosphere.
I’ve said it already, but what stood out to me most about this chapter has to be Snape. His characterisation is so great - you have him spot on! It’s little things about Snape, like the gasp when Alex mentions his dream, that make him so … Snape.
Great work xx
Eeek! The word count for this review is over nine hundred! [!!!] :P
Author's Response: BINE! *squeeze*
First off, thanks for the review. 900+ WORDS! WOWS!
Ok, what to start with first. I just went back and did a few changes at the spots that you pointed at. *squeezes again*
I'm not sure if you read the second chapter or not, but the reason why Alex calls Remus by his first name is basically explained in it. They became close friends.
Yes, Harry and Alex are both a year old in the dream, but the reason why Alex is able to remember the dream will be explained later, er, much later.
Snape is always a tricky person to write about, but this was fairly easy compare to what's to come. (side note. It's Severus' birthday today!)
Also, I'm quite fond of the dream myself. It was kind of fun to write.
Glad you enjoyed the chapter, and sorry for making you cry and frighten, even if it was just a little.
Summary: Hogwarts could never have been built without magic. Yet even ‘simple’ magic alone doesn’t let a castle as huge as Hogwarts appear out of nowhere. There have been other forces at work as well, given by the spirits to humankind to command over them.
But whatever the spirits have humankind presented with, it can take something to settle a balance…
At the same moment, - I think this would be better as, ‘In the same moment’.
Bine! I loved this. The way you use the language is beautiful, and I loved the ideas you used.
‘I thank you, oh wise raven of glen, Lady Rowena. I shall proceed to complete my own part of the wall.’- I like the concept of each founder having a wall to build, that, to me, really makes the castle the work of all four. The way you began the beginning with the description of building a wall - that was a good way of setting the scene. It really drew me in.
I’m assuming that Rowena’s pregnant by her body language. It’s a nice idea, and I’m assuming the Grey Lady would be the daughter of Salazar and Ravenclaw.
The chemistry between all the characters was excellent - I look forward to the chaptered story.
Summary: Nymphadora Tonks lives under a shadow. Both her cousin and her aunt are in Azkaban believed to be in league with Voldemort. She knows Bellatrix deserves to be there- but Sirius?
Remus Lupin is an outsider. He’d once had three good friends- now two are dead and the third has been locked up for murder and betrayal.
They had met once before, when she was a child, but as Tonks grows up they find themselves thrown together- far too closely for Remus’ comfort. He’s always yearned for a normal life but knows that is impossible. Can Tonks convince him that he deserves happiness?
Nominated for a 2009 QSQ award in the Best canon Romance category. Thank you.
Potions made her think of Snape It had shocked - you’ve missed out the full stop.
You know, Carole, I really love this story. I’m enjoying watching your interpretations of the characters blossom, and it is a nice idea that Remus and Tonks knew each other before OotP. And were attracted before then, too.
The part where Snape finds Tonks was very beautiful. Lily inspired her hair, and it reminded Sev of her. It’s quite sad in a way. In fact, I visualise Sev becoming quite a major part in this story, as I imagine Dora will want to know the story behind his reaction to her hair. And she has a question to answer, as I’m sure Snape will have linked Wolfsbane with Remus.
The kiss was unexpected, but I think it’s great that Lupin would feel that way so early on. In later years, he becomes a lot more closed up. Great work!
*Glances up at Bine's mega long review* Wow ... no way I can compete with that. Lol. I like the way that Meda still wants to go back and visit Cissy. I think that's a nice touch, and I always felt it was a shame that we never saw much of a relationship between the Black Sisters in the books. Through the open door he could see Nymphadora skipping back with a handful of biscuits. Her hair was a shock of gold. She caught him looking at her, screwed up her face and instantly it changed to black, like his. He laughed, delighting in his cousin. - I like this bit. You really capture both characters' spirit. I also like the references Tonks makes to 'Nymphadora'. Nice and realistic for her. In fact, I like the whole conversation about names. “It changes colour when I get too excited- it’s quite naughty.” - you made me laugh here, Carole. I've never heard anyone describe hair as if it has a personality. “Really, I’d have thought that too girly for you.” - very good after the statement she made earlier. Once in the garden she’s run with him to a gap in the fence and urged him to squeeze through -should this be 'she'd'? “Come on, we need to get back or your mum will Crucio me!” - Lol. She smiled mischievously, “Whatever colour I want- but don’t tell Mummy, I hate eggs.” – Very good way to get out of eating them. “Thish ish sho cool!” – Thish sho reminded me of Roonil. “Oh aren’t you adorable!” – I’d put a comma after ‘oh’. “Sirius,” asked Tonks. “How did the baby get inside Lily’s tummy?” – such a typical question for a kid. :) That’s a really uncool nick-name,” she said, looking him straight in the eye. “Why did you choose it?” – lol I liked your characterisation of Peter, but I think Lily would know about Remus’ condition. Great work! I look forward to the rest.
Author's Response: Thank-you for the review. It means a lot that people respond and give good constructive criticism and say nice things too. Regarding Lily - she does know he's a werewolf - I obviously didn't make that clear. Hmmm didn't realise it read that way at all. Thanks again.
Great chapter, Carole - I loved it! And I have no nitpicks, apart from,
“It’s brilliant, Charlie. I’m so pleased for you. However, if your mum’s worried about Bludgers, what in the name of Helga Hufflepuffs best nightie is she going to say about dragons?” - isn’t it ‘Hufflepuff’s’ in this case? Loved this line by the way. Heehee, it’s a bit different to the usual ‘Merlin’s pants’.
Oh - and that Martha girl that Remus refers to, is she from the Lions of Gryffindor? I recognise the name…
Your Dumbledore characterisation was good, I really enjoyed that scene. I suppose he knows exactly what happened between Remus/Tonks via Legilimens, but Dumbledore isn’t the sort who likes expelling pupils, is he? Hmm…
The number of times he went on about that record. It annoyed the hell out of us, so having a Black beat a Potter would have had Sirius crowing for years.” - I forget that Tonks is a Black, but I suppose this makes her win even more significant for her, knowing this.
Such a small gesture but it sent a tingle down her spine. His fingers stopped and seemed to dwell on her cheekbone. She held her breath.
He blinked rapidly and removed his hand. “You have a bruise there, Tonks,” he said and quickly looked away. He stood up. “I should go,” he said.
That paragraph was fantastic. You could really feel the tension between the pair, and it made me hold my breath too. The way you described it (namely the second bit) was quite subtle, which was effective.
The interactions between Charlie and Dora have me smiling in every chapter, and I especially liked the conversation about houses and dragons in this one. It shows how well they know each other, but this line made me feel sorry for dear Charlie:
Charlie noticed that she seemed to be starting a lot of her sentences with the word Remus. Not Lupin now, he thought, yet I’m still Weasley. - poor guy. :(
And to round off, I hope Hufflepuff win the House Cup in your story, though I doubt they will… they deserve it though, all the same. ’Puffs are the hardest working, and they’re deserving. They just don’t get enough recognition in the books, which is another thing I like about your story.
Bye, now xx
Author's Response: Awww, Thank you. That's a lovely review. I'm so pleased you like my Dumbledore. I have a few problems with him. I hadn't envisaged him using Legilimens but I think he's a shrewd enough man to realise that there's somthing a bit dodgy about Tonks just happening to run into Remus in Hogsmeade.
Yes, it's the same Martha. She muscled in to this story too *sigh*. There may well be more of her in the future *hint hint*
Yep, poor Charlie. I don't know what to say about him, really. I get overcome with guilt when I think of him pining, but I'm sure it won't be forever. He may not get married but I'm sure he'll have some fun. *plot bunny*
I think the fact that I'm in Hufflepuff seems to have had rather an influence on this story *winks*.It must have been so annoying for them to be in last place all the time.
Thank you again (and I shall put that missing apostrophe in now.) Carole xxx
Finally, I have caught up with AA. So, I’ve read from chapters six-twelve – I apologise for not reviewing every chapter, but I just wanted to read on. Lol. So I’m just going to give you my thoughts on the story in general, you know?
My favourite part of the story is all the Romania scenes. I love how it brings Remus and Tonks back together again, and I could really imagine it all. I think the part where Tonks tries to rescue the dragon was a very in character moment, and you really caught my sympathy with your description of the poor dragon being left out :(
Besides Remus and Tonks, my two favourite characters have to be Nan and Mad-Eye. I love how you’ve took little bits of Tonks and put them into her grandmother, such as ‘wotcher’. And Mad-Eye... well you’ve just captured his caring but no-nonsense attitude really well – I loved this line “I’ll stick with Nymphadora,” Hee-hee.
The progression of this story is nice. I like how it flows smoothly in to the new chapters, despite sometimes there being quite a bit of a time gap. You gloss over the weeks you don’t tell us about well, with just a line on how Tonks’ training is going or something.
Now, the latest chapter is about Sirius Black, and I’m interested to see how Tonks handles it all. Clearly, she still really believes in her cousin, even considering having to hex Mad-Eye, and I like how despite everything she has so much faith in him. On the other hand, though, Remus contrasts with that because it’s as if he’s determined to believe that Sirius is guilty, even if he doesn’t believe it deep down.
Lupin tried, I tried and Dumbledore would have tried – except that he’d never been there.
I’m a bit confused by the protective spell Sirius put on his home. Remus was in Sirius’ flat the same day that Tonks was, but he couldn’t get in later on, while Tonks could? :/
I liked how Padfoot was there in the basement of his flat – it kind of demonstrates why Animagi have to be registered. Tonks recognising him was a nice touch; I wonder whether Sirius realises who she is...
This is a great story, Carole, and I can’t wait to read more. :) –squishes-
Author's Response: Thank you for the review, Spire. I'm glad you're enjoying it and that you like Moody - he was a bugger to write! Okay, the charm Siurius put on his flat. Basically I made it up - ha ha. It's not a Fidelius Charm but similar ish. When a traitor was suspected, Sirius and other Order members charmed their houses so only trusted people would be able to appear - and then only if they'd been there before. Sirius could basically exclude anyone he wanted from his flat. The thing is, his flat is known to have existed but is never explained and neither is the photograph so I wanted Tonks to find it. Thus because he was suspicious of everyone by this time, I had Sirius exclude all visitors except probably Peter, James and Lily (who wouldn't come out of hiding anyway.) However he forgot about his six year old cousin-once-removed turning up. *hopefully digs self out of hole*
You'll have to keep reading to find out whether he recognises her ;p.
She thought about following him to tell him he was mistaken, that the Veritaserum must have made her lie but she know it hadn’t. - 'knew'.
Great chapter - you've left a bit of a cliffhanger, and I want to read on, but I have no time. I loved the twins characterisation, and Charlie's but it made me sad that Tonks would suspect Remus. I'm looking forward to seeing what you're going to do with this story :)
Summary: On the final night of his seventh year, Severus is stuck between a rock and a hard place: he is crouching behind a shrub as James and Lily go on a moonlit stroll. Severus/Lily & James/Lily
Severus peered out from behind a clump of bushes on Hogwarts grounds at the two figures silhouetted in the twilight. - did you mean 'in the Hogwarts...'? Great story, it was a nice insight into a deeper Severus. And a different James to the one we're used to seeing aswell. I felt so sorry for Severus. You can see how much it is tearing him apart to hear them together, but as soon as they are secured to each other, he can't stay any longer. Truly lovely. Well done!
Summary: Ron's world falls apart when he discovers the death of his wife, Hermione. Desperate to understand why it happened, he becomes determined to find the people responsible. However his hunt leads him to discover the darkness and suffering of those who the second war sought to suppress.
This is a round 7 Gauntlet entry by coolh5000 of Slytherin
No, I think I just need to me alone for a while. - ‘to be’.
He kept sneaking a glance at his baby, as if not really believing that she was really - I think you meant ‘she was real’.
which they had been modelled - I didn’t really understand this. You need to make the meaning clearer.
better of with Harry than with him. - ‘off with Harry’.
they as good as dead - ‘were as good’.
I was wished to cast the final curse - you need to get rid of ‘was’.
This was, in my opinion, your strongest chapter yet. The last paragraph was very beautiful - I had images of the soil and tears. The last line It was finally over. made a powerful ending. It was final.
I have a nitpick though. When Harry and Ron go to visit Ackerly, you never mention the criminal’s name when they’re walking down. That confused me a bit, and it would be better if you slipped his name into the beginning of their discussion.
Talking of Ackerly, it was nice to know he got to go to Eleanor’s funeral. That was a nice touch.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for all the reviews! They have been incredibly helpful. I'm glad you liked this chapter. It was so important to give this story a proper ending and I wasn't sure if I had really achieved it so it is good to know you thought it was effective. I have known the funeral would be the ending ever since I started writing and I really wanted to get it right. I had to let Ackerley go to Eleanor's funeral - everything was always so hard for him - I thought he should be allowed one last chance to say goodbye. Thank you for pointing out my mistakes - I have edited a few places, including putting Ackerley's name in to the conversation. Thanks again for the review - it's good to know there is someone who has read and enjoyed the story Hannah
I think it’s time I laid out the finer details of the case to you and it’s best to it there - ‘do it there’.
They were both silent, unable to think of a think to say - ‘think of a thing’.
they had all left behind families to mourn from them - ‘for them’.
checked their id and then led them an interview room - ‘to an’.
court order from the Wizenmagot - ‘Wizengamot’.
“And why would we care about that.” - this is a question.
“He said he wanted to take revenge on the people that had caused him and all the other Muggle-borns.” - this seems half-finished to me. I’d develop it so that we know what they ‘caused’ him.
Generally, your writing is good, but in both chapters I have come across a few sentences that didn’t quite seem right, and some missed commas. Do you have a beta, or someone you know to look over your work?
Ackerly confused me a bit. He changes from a silent attitude to giving a lot up very quickly. I can understand why he tells all, but he is very quiet at first. Even though he says everything for Eleanor when Ron informs him about her, I imagine he’d need a bit more persuasion and would be slightly reluctant, maybe, when telling the story.
Your Gauntlet is progressing well from the first chapter, and it has opened up even more questions. I’m still intrigued, and I look forward to the conclusion.
We know you would never have put in her danger. - ‘her in.’
This is great. I almost cried when Harry told Ron, and then Ron told her parents. It must be so painful to have to say all that. And the killings are so brutal! I’m really intrigued to know the full story. Good work.