Hi! I have pruned back this page recently to show only my best work. In addition I have deleted all chaptered fics that I have no plans for finishing in the near future. I have saved all the reviews from my deleted fics -- I'm sorry if I never replied to the review you left >.> Thanks everyone! In the future I'll hopefully get Weakness finished, and a few more poems up maybe. xx
Summary: It's 1959 and Persephone Marcello is in her seventh year at Hogwarts. She's fairly apathetic about the whole matter; the only thing her parents want her to do is marry a rich man while she's still young and have lots of children. But everything around her is changing. She and her sisters are growing older, her friends are falling in love, and she's afraid she might be, too. All of a sudden, nothing seems certain anymore, and Persephone is absolutely terrified.
Nominated for a Quicksilver Quill Award for Best Original Character: Persephone Marcello
Write me soon. - I would put ‘write to me soon’.
Poor Persephone. I can understand Jana’s reasoning, but if it were me, I think I would expect my friends to support me anyway. Because, you know, that’s what friends do. So she kept a secret, and Jana obviously cares for her - but letting go of that secret would’ve jeopardised Persephone even more.
It would be nice to see more of how Claude and Lorelei react to it all - I imagined Lorelei to be a bit stronger willed than she’s acting, especially after all the help Persephone gave her when she was in love with Claude (and probably still is).
I love this story - these last few chapters have brought out a streak of compassion in me, and I keep finishing the chapters wanting more. Great story - though I probably tell you that in every review. LOL.
Author's Response: haha thanks so much for reviewing! You'll see a bit more about Lorelei in the next chapter
Good chapter. You're keeping the situation very realistic with suspicion and awkwardness running. Jana's worry is well written. I really like this story - it's a scenario you don't see a lot of, but is interesting to read. Keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm having so much fun writing this; I'm glad you like it =]
Great chapter! That was so unexpected. I really felt for Persephone, and it'll be interesting to see how it all turns out for her. Will it just be her mother, or will her sisters leave her too? I can't see it, but you never know...
Author's Response: Thanks so much!
Charity Burbage never considered herself a strong or brave person. That is until she met Jack. Jack gave her fire and soul. He encouraged her to stand up for what she believed in. But when a tragedy strikes, Charity’s world is turned upside down. Should she take the easy way out or continue to fight for what’s right?
I am MerryD, proud Hufflepuff.
Mere, I love this.
At first, I thought this story would’ve been better in first person. Just because you could’ve delved into her feelings further, and shown us more about what she was going through. However, by the end, I realised how perfect third person is for this, because in first PoV the inner monologue from Charity just wouldn’t have had the same effect, because it opens up a completely new pathway to the fic. Almost like a new perspective to view the story from, because we get the outside view, and then her struggle internally, as such. The monologue worked really well because the thoughts were kind of jumbled, confused, questioning... I like that in this bit you don’t tell us exactly why she is blaming herself for his death. That aspect of it made it feel even more like a series of thoughts, because she knows why she’s guilty, so obviously she wouldn’t explain it in her thoughts.
She had already cried so much, it was amazing that there was anything left to cry out.
This line really stood out to me, because I feel that it helps you get into the shoes of Charity a little more, as it is a situation that everybody can relate with.
A nit-pick I have is the amount you use the word ‘Charity’. Quite a few paragraphs and sentences began that way, and I found it a little repetitive – though I don’t like too much repetition in general, so... But, I think it would benefit your fic if you replaced a few more ‘Charity’s with ‘she’s, and/or rephrased some sentences so less begin with her name.
To round off, I’d like to comment on the beginning and end. The word ‘CRACK!’ as a first word very much struck me. Not so much because it’s capitalised and stands out anyway – because, honestly, I think it would work just as well in lowercase - but because it is very abrupt, sudden, and grabbed my attention immediately. It was a great way to catch the reader’s interest.
The ending, though. What captures me there is how simple it is. Kind of left open but final – I don’t think I can elaborate further than that. >.> And I could really imagine her just walking into the school and getting back into her routine./ random thought.
Anyway, great story, dear. –hugs-
Summary: There were three things Lily Potter and Rose Weasley knew they had in common. They both shared their names with rather popular flowers, they had both inherited the Weasley red hair and freckles gene, and they both had fairly famous fathers.
But there was still one unfortunate similarity that Rose and Lily were ignorant to: they had both grown a strong interest in the enemy. And the fact that both Rose and Lily shared a common ‘enemy’ only increased the undesirability of the circumstance. Oh, and by ‘enemy’ they meant Scorpius Malfoy.
‘I don’t understand you, Malfoy.’
He smirked. ‘You don’t have to.’
Umm ... Rose and Lily aren't quite how I imagined them, but they're still cool. This fic intrigues me. I love Scorpius, though his actions are a bit confusing.
I look forward to reading Scorpius's chapter. What's running through his head? Who will he choose - Rose or Lily? Will he have either of them at all? Good story.
Author's Response: Well, I like the last question you asked :) Thanks for reviewing! ~ Cassie
Summary: Sometimes, in the fall, when the leaves are changing from green to brown, you think you can remember your parents.
For Julia, growing up in a wizarding orphanage is always lonely, always sad, and never easy.
An entry by solemnlyswear_x to the Worlds within a World challenge.
I think the way you wrote this story from Julia's Pov worked really well, because it wasn't obviously from her - almost like somebody was watching. I'm not sure how to describe it, but the way you wrote it worked really well. I think you used the word "you" too much though. I think you did it like that on purpose but you have to be careful not to repeat a word too much - I know this as I do it all the time and have to go back and pick my brain for better wording.
It was quite sad in places - but then what do I expect? Julia's emotions have been captured excellently, and it's nice to know she was told the truth about her parents and got adopted. Excellent story overall :)
Author's Response: Thanks! I know what you mean about repeating words too much -- I'll go back and edit some of the "you"s when I have the chance. Thanks for the review! :)
Summary: The summer before Rose Weasley's seventh year is not an enjoyable one. Trapped amidst a family she's sure would prefer the boy she's turned down to the one she's given her heart to, the only comfort she finds is in the memories of the last, beautiful week of term, and the knowledge that when the holidays are over, she'll be back in his arms - that is, if he hasn't changed his mind during the summer.
I've never read a Rose/Scorpius fic before, but although it was kinda fluffy, I really liked it. I really liked the way you included the bit about Luna's family - I've never read a next generation fic with more than just Luna in it before.
Summary: A boring day is turned into an interesting adventure when Fred and George lead their siblings in a play about their very interesting neighbor.
I was intrigued by the summary of this story, and overall the story was funny. Everyone was in character (specially Ron!)
I felt you could've made it so much better though. Most of this is dialogue - with some more description (e.g, Ron's expressions) I think this could've been a much better fic. I hope that helps you. :)
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I've never written Ron before, and I'm glad that he was in character. I'll try to put more description in the future. ~ Teresa
Summary: Changes can be frightening, and Hagrid is more than just nervous about the change that is currently occurring in his life. Will he keep his nerves to stay strong? And, especially, what kind of change is he facing?
So sweet! I love Hagrid, and I think you got him spot on, the way he got in a panic and all.
I think Hagrid and Madame Maxime are probably a bit old to have a baby (they must be about 70), but for the purpose of the story it works really well.
It flows a bit fast in places, but I don't think that matters too much. Great story. :)
Author's Response: Thank you.
Summary: Eight year old Lily Potter, the spitting image of her mother, is brought up to know that family is important. She has been present at family reunions for as long as she can remember, and she absolutely loves her big family. One day she comes across a picture of a man she has never met before in a family photo album. Perplexed, she asks her father who the man is…
That was really good - especially for a first story. I think it's got a nice amount of emotion incorporated, and I think the bit about Harry forgiving Dumbledore was great!
I'm gonna be a bit nit-picky now. Sorry! If Lily is eight years old and both her brothers are in Hogwarts, that's not right, as in the epilogue of DH, it said she wouldn't be going for another 2 years, and Albus was leaving for the first time, which would make Lily 9 in the epilogue. Did that make sense? I might've missed something, but it seemed to me that you sent Al to school as well as James.
Fabulous story, though. It's not often you find a tribute story. :)
Author's Response: I'm so glad you liked it! I don't mind you being nit-picky; in fact, I like it! I didn't mention anywhere that Albus was in Hogwarts yet, he's just not around when Lily talks to Harry. When writing this my intention was that James is in his first year here, but I didn't say that either, so you can take it to mean whatever you want! Thanks again for the review!
Summary: Lily is engaged to James, but there's one person she can't forget, no matter how hard she tries. RL/LE, JP/LE.
This was different to the usual Lily fics. Usually it's all head over heals in love with James. It's a nice change ... You described everything really well which created a good picture in my head. Good story :)
Author's Response: Thanks so much! I've always envisioned Remus as being Lily's first love, really, and I wanted to explore that further. Glad you liked it. :)
Summary: Ron had the perfect plan. He was going to ask Hermione to marry him. However, his perfect plan gets ruined when his family comes home and he loses the ring. This night was supposed to be perfect; can he fix the mess and still win Hermione over?
I am GinervaPotter213 of Huflepuff and this is my entry for the I Challenge Thee challenge. My challenge is to write a one-shot of Ron proposing to Hermione including a lost engagement ring, the Weasley family and Luna.
Aww ... cute! I thought the loosing of the ring would be quite a funny dilemma, but it was so serious, I actually felt sorry for the panicked Ron (even though I knew it'd be ok in the end). Ronald was quite in character (I think). Loved the final line - it made me laugh out loud. Good job!
Author's Response: Thanks. I rather like that final line as well. :)
Summary: Sirius Black was disowned from his family upon discovering his strong Gryffindor qualities and beliefs. These are the words of a hurt, neglected son to his cruel mother.
I admit it - I never read poetry, but tonight I just got the urge, and I am so glad I picked yours. I loved it. It rhymed and made sense ... and excellent. Maybe I should have a go at poems. Though like I said at the beginning, I much prefer reading a story. Umm ... it's rare you read a poem so good - it's really well written, and the phrases you put together were great! I hope to see more fanfic from you. :)
Author's Response: Thanks so much! I never read poetry either...I'm really flattered, seeing as this is my first try at fanfiction. I didn't expect people to actually like it! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. :)
Summary: An empty bed and a note on the table cause Tonks to think her worst nightmare is being repeated.
Nice story. I think it was a bit repetitive - you seemed to keep re-visiting Tonks' worry, but overall it was good. I particularly liked this line:
"She caught a glimpse of the tips of her hair flashing every colour of the rainbow as her morphing abilities were carried along by the tidal wave of emotion that swept her."
I think that's a really beautiful idea, and it kept the idea of magic alive. Well done!
Summary: It is June 1976 and The Marauders are at the top of their game. From the outside they look to have everything.But appearances, as the saying goes, can be deceptive.
James is discovering that not everything in life is his for the taking. Sirius knows he will have to defy his formidable family. Remus lives in constant fear of his life beyond Hogwarts. As for Peter... Well, Peter is struggling to live up to his friends.
The ties of friendship are strong, but war is raging and with a dark power rising those ties will inevitably fray.
Added to the mix is an adversary called Severus Snape, some lost House Points, a prank or two and a whole lot of Lily.
This is a Marauder tale.
This is a story of what made them special.
This is a story of why it started to go wrong for The Lions of Gryffindor.
OH MY GOOD GODRIC! Lions of Gryffindor won the 2009 QSQ for Best Marauders' Era Story. Amazed and incredibly grateful to those who nominated, judged and have beta'd this fic. THANK YOU.
Trick or Treat!
3. She clicks on her mouse and swipes her wand;
Some stories go up, and some stories are gone.
Stories of her own? Why, she has plenty!
Fewer than one-hundred, but far more than twenty.
Good chapter, Carole. I liked all the thinking going on, it gave us a nice insight into the way the characters think.
She looks nervous, he thought. - You need the first bit in italics, if it is a thought. Other things I think are thoughts, so should be italicised are:
“Salazar be praised! The great James Potter is afraid of water!”
‘Shame about the squint though.’
Those two are in quotations, but they didn’t seem spoken to me.
The practical exam over and Peter’s relief was palpable. - did you want ‘was over’? That would make more sense.
“Could be?” Sirius had said. - This didn’t seem like a question to me.
Now I’ll have to find time to read your other fic. The one chapter I’ve read seemed really good. Well done with both!
I enjoyed that chapter, and look forward to reading the rest. I like your take on Peter's characterisation, and it'll be nice to see how you develop that. I thought Remus' outburst was a bit OOC at first, but then I remembered how he tried to run out on Tonks, and I realised, maybe not. And I like the reason why James' stopped bullying Snape. I think it's a really nice idea.
“Your stupid stunt today has cost Gryffindor fifty house points and has probably lost us the House Cup. You had better think of some way to make up those points, otherwise Ravenclaw will win again, and that will not make me happy!” She looked at them briefly then waved her hand impatiently. “Go on! Get out of here.”
I never thought of McGonagall as the sort to be that competitive (except in Quidditch haha). In PS/SS she takes 150 points from the Trio, and shows nothing except her anger at them being out of bed. I think she'd be very much the same in this situation. Also, I don't think she'd use the word "stupid". Though "stunt" is a good way to describe it.
Well done! :)
Author's Response: OOOH My first review. Thank-you for the copmments. I take your point about McGonagall but I've always thought of her as competitive plus what angered her about this incident was that they were bullying Snape and that's not how Gryffindors should behave. I'm glad you liked this chapter- there's alot more to come! .
Carole! You couldn’t resist the poetry *shakes head* Ah well, you’ve certainly got a well characterised Sirius and James. I also like your Fat Lady. It’s nice to see her a bit more in depth.
You two haven given me more grief than the rest of Gryffindor put together.
Did you mean ‘have’?
“We messed up. We’ve screwed up Gryffindors chances for the House Cup and I’m sorry for you, Frank. It must mean a lot to the Head Boy to win it.
You need the speech-marks at the end of this sentence.
I like your reference to the memory in DH. Nice touch.
Dugbog? Again … there’s a lot of recurrences going on in the last few bits of writing I’ve read that you’ve written - lol. :D
“I thought we were a team. If any one person won us the cup it certainly wasn’t you with your morale-destroying team talks.
You need speech marks again.
Also, nice reference to the Mclaggens.
Another great chapter, Carole. I can’t wait to see more :)
Summary: Everything is changing for Rose Weasley.
This was originally for the 'I Challenge Thee Challenge,' but I think it maybe too late.
Great story, it was a different take on things. I liked the way you kept Rose's relationship with Scorpius quite mysterious - right through to the end. The tenses sounded a bit awkward at times, but that might be me, as I'm not too good with the present tense. You balanced the description and dialogue well, with good use of imagery. I especially liked the descriptions including Al.
It’s like when autumn’s leaves begin to drift off of the branches. No one seems to notice that they’re slowly falling – not until snow covers bare branches.
Not a serious mistake here, you just repeated 'branches'. It would sound better without the repetition, but I can't think of another word off the top of my head. Good imagery by the way.
I want to run back to my bed, and, if only for a few minutes, go back to being the fifteen year old who had to stay up all night finishing homework every night because of a blossoming romance.
Repetition of 'night' this time. I'm kind of nit-picky. :)
They drink in every last glimpse, hold onto every surface, every crevice, they touch
I like the imagery here. It's beautiful.
My mother groans cuts my father off, which causes him to wrinkle his brow and gaze at her.
This doesn't really make sense. Did you want an 'and' after 'groans' maybe?
“Okay, later, even though today is a day for moving forward, Ron. No need to linger on the past and tell the story again.” My dad mumbles something that I can’t make out, something Uncle Harry must hear, because he laughs out loud.
I'm not really sure who's saying this. It's obviously not Ron, so the bit about him should go in a second paragraph.
“I should prolly talk to him…” My voice drifts off.
I'm not sure whether you did this on purpose, but I would use 'probably' here.
They glide across every surface, rapidly darting back and forth, trying to capture it all. He wants to remember, to suck in all into his brain and hold it in.
The words envelope us both. The world stops turning and we are left, standing there, facing each other. Two people, just two out of billions, connected by the grandness of everything, by a feeling neither of us saw in the other.
I just love the imagery in both the above passages.
Well done! You've done a good job.
Ooops - reading it back I've rambled on about your imagery. Lol.
Author's Response: Thank you so much! This wasn't beta'd because I was trying to slide it in for the challenge, so your comments really helped! Sometimes I just miss little things. Thank you for your input! I'm glad you liked it!
Summary: Why? Why had I done it? Why did I go around pushing away every good thing or person that ever happened to me? Was it just in my nature to ruin things?
Seventh year has ended, summer has begun, and Lily Evans has broken up with James Potter. Can she find the courage to ask for forgiveness? Will she finally find acceptance with James?
This story was inspired by the song "1 2 3 4" by Feist.
Wow, great story! I really enjoyed it, and usually I hate Lily/James fics as they’re all the same. You had a great balance of dialogue/description, and you placed the characters in a different scenario to usual. Also, I loved the last line. It was a great way to sign off the story. I have some comments etcetera, on bits and pieces so here we go:
I tiptoed back across the room, snatched up Jane Eyre from my bedside table, and settled in for a good long read.
LOVE the idea that Lily (the Muggle-Born) reads Muggle stories.
By the time morning came about and the sun made its appearance over the horizon, my head was drooping and Charlotte Bronte’s elegant banter was beginning to blur before my eyes.
The bolded bit really stood out to me when I read through. Excellent way to phrase it.
but Petunia had moved in with her detestable boyfriend, Vernon Dursley, at the start of the summer holidays.
I have added some commas in bold, as you need them around the name.
“I’m your mother, dear.”
Lol. That is so … mother-like?
But somehow, coming to a conclusion, which usually made me feel better, made me feel only worse.
This bit’s a bit choppy. It confused me first time round.
I felt like the little engine that could as I forced myself down the long driveway to the front door, chanting it in my head: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
I don’t get where engines come into it. Makes no sense.
“James, I…I just...I’m really…well.”
Lol. Tongue-tied - of course.
I needed James, needed him beside me as we started our lives, and I would need him beside me for the rest of my life.
This bit is a bit heart-wrenching, as if she’s just left school, she’d only be 18 and would only have 3 years of life left.
I don’t know whether you’re interested in Briticisms, but I noticed you spelt ‘pyjamas’ the British way, so I think you might like to have things similar to this pointed out. The English words are bolded:
Pants/trousers - pants in Britain are underwear
Taxicab/taxi - I’ve never heard anyone in Britain say ‘Taxicab’ but I might be wrong on this one.
Hope I’ve helped there!
I really enjoyed this story (think I said that earlier), and I’ll look out for more from you.
Summary: Hi there! My name is Alexandra Kathleen Potter, one of the legendary Potter twins, also known as the twins-who-lived. I'm known as one of the Gryffindor know-it-alls; the other know-it-alls are my best friend Hermione Granger and my mother, Lily Evans. It's great to see Hermione again, though I could do without having to be around some of the people I know I'll have to get along with. Thanks to Professor Dumbledore and Draco Malfoy, I am stuck in the year 1973. I won't be able to return to the 1990s until two years from now. Two years without seeing Harry! We’ve never been separated for so long before. But somehow I can see what’s happening in present day 1990 through Harry’s memories. So what happens between now and Christmas 1975/1995? I couldn’t tell you. I guess we’ll have to find out together.
Chapter Three has been validated!
Hello, dear. I was browsing through the Hufflepuff Review thread and decided to have a go. I don’t generally read professors stories as a rule as well, but yours sounded interesting (and it is)!
I like the start. It jumps in and sets the scene. But you say that she can see her dad downstairs, but where are Lily and Alex if they can see him? It would be nice to know her location, because without it the first paragraph doesn’t make the best sense.
In the distance I hear a laugh; a high pitched, cold, evil laugh, but mum and dad act like they don’t hear it. - *shudders* That description is so simple, but so strong and haunting. Like a sound from your deepest nightmare.
I didn’t want to see what happened, so I turned my head. - I’m not great with tenses, but I don’t think this sounds quite right. Shouldn’t it be I don’t want to see what’s happening, so I turn my head.
All I think is that I don’t want mummy to go, but the man says an incantation, and I see that blinding green light again. - That really isn’t that sad (seeing as I was expecting it) but tears have still filled my eyes.
In the dream at the beginning, how old are the twins? Alex seems to know kind of a lot, that’s all, and when Lily/James died in canon Harry was one year old.
“AH!” Alex screamed, snapping her head up and causing the five classmates or so around her to jump a foot out of their chairs, while the rest of the class looked up from their work.
“Yes, Miss Potter?”
Alex groaned, but just loud enough for Harry, her brother, and Ron, Harry’s best friend, to hear her. Oh great! Out of all the classes I could have fallen asleep in, I had to pick Potions.
I like that bit, but the first sentence is long - maybe consider changing the ‘five classmates or so’ to ‘few’, or something along those lines? And I thought she was saying the italicised bit aloud at first. It would be clearer in a new paragraph and with ‘Alex thought’ tacked on the end.
chillier then it should have been. - ‘than’ instead of ‘then’.
The only differences between her and her mum was the thin, lightning bolt scar on her forehead that she and her brother shared, and her eyes; where her mum had emerald, she had inherited her father’s. - sorry, hon, but it sounds like Alex and Harry literally share a forehead. And I like the comment on the eyes - it’s a cool concept that Harry should look like his dad but have Lily’s eyes, and Alex looks like Lily but has James’ eyes.
“So tell me Miss Potter, is there a reason you screamed during my class?” Snape inquired, glaring at her down his hook nose, making his way across the room.
“Or is it that you fell asleep in the middle of my class while you were supposed to be reading about the history of unicorn hair and the properties of which it contributes to potion making.”
By this time, Snape had already crossed the classroom from the Slytherin side to Alex’s desk, placed both of his pale hands on either side of her potions book, leaned down to get face to face with her, and had a smirk on his face.
Oh God - loving the Snape characterisation. Cutting across students, looking down his nose… fantastic! Though when someone speaks to somebody, you need to put a comma in front of the person they’re addressings name. That probably didn’t make much sense, but here it should be, So tell me, Miss Potter for example. Also, the repetition of ‘face’ is slightly distracting. Maybe you could change had a smirk on his face to wore a smirk. Or something like that, anyway. XD
What you really should be thinking about is how are you going to hand in the information you were required to obtain by the end of class, if the class is almost over, and you haven’t gotten a single sentence written on your parchment? - it’s almost like he changes question half way through here. You need to reorder ‘how are you’ to ‘how you are’.
Snape mentions McGonagall having a go at him for giving Alex detention. Unlikely, I think. She’s one of the stricter teachers for discipline, and Alex does deserve the detention. *dodges tomatoes*
By the time Snape finished giving her detention, half his next class was already in the dungeon classroom. - all Snape’s classes wait outside until he’s ready for them, I think. I always got that impression from the books, anyway. Please, disregard this nit-pick if I’m wrong. :]
A look of shock crossed Snape’s face when she said what the dream was about, but it so short that Alex mistook it as a trick of the light. - Did you miss a word out somewhere? After the comma, it doesn’t make sense.
One last thing: Alex wouldn’t think of her DADA professor by his first name. Stick to surnames :]
My favourite part of this chapter has to be the dream. Your prose in that part was so lovely - the description created a great atmosphere.
I’ve said it already, but what stood out to me most about this chapter has to be Snape. His characterisation is so great - you have him spot on! It’s little things about Snape, like the gasp when Alex mentions his dream, that make him so … Snape.
Great work xx
Eeek! The word count for this review is over nine hundred! [!!!] :P
Author's Response: BINE! *squeeze*
First off, thanks for the review. 900+ WORDS! WOWS!
Ok, what to start with first. I just went back and did a few changes at the spots that you pointed at. *squeezes again*
I'm not sure if you read the second chapter or not, but the reason why Alex calls Remus by his first name is basically explained in it. They became close friends.
Yes, Harry and Alex are both a year old in the dream, but the reason why Alex is able to remember the dream will be explained later, er, much later.
Snape is always a tricky person to write about, but this was fairly easy compare to what's to come. (side note. It's Severus' birthday today!)
Also, I'm quite fond of the dream myself. It was kind of fun to write.
Glad you enjoyed the chapter, and sorry for making you cry and frighten, even if it was just a little.