Wow, I haven't updated this in some time. Then again, I'm not sure if anyone's read it since! I'm Kelsea, I'm 22 years old, and on Pottermore I'm in Hufflepuff (though I should have been in Ravenclaw). Someday I'll be more involved on this site I suppose and then maybe I'll be in a house of my own... I'm also on ff.net under TheGoldenAge, but I'd like to write for this site too! Higher standards and all that. I've just garnered an English degree with the intention of continuing on to a master's; professional writing seems to be the angle for now.
My likes/interests include crime television, documentaries, cannolis, Burgatory, water, warm weather, Halloween, AMC, hiking, Chipotle, sour gummy worms, fresh lemons, long island ice teas, milkshakes, music, art house films, and intersectional feminism. Dislikes include feet, rude teens, thinking about my student loans, tomatoes, gross bathrooms, whiskey, people who donâ€™t like Sansa Stark, and many aspects of BBC Sherlock.
As far as HP goes, I love almost all of the characters. Most of the Weasleys are the exception to this, and I'm not so fond of Snape as many people seem to be although his character is very complicated. I'm not a big fan of canon pairings and most of the things I write tend to veer in other directions. My chapters tend to be short and I almost always write love stories. What can I say?
Sooner or later I'll have something to show for my time here besides an awful poem I wrote in about five minutes when I was seventeen. Until then, stay tuned!
Summary: It's a rescue, really. At least, that's what Fred and George Weasley manage to convince him of. After all, Hermione is sure to be a target for revenge seeking Purebloods - what could any right-minded Wizard do but step in to help?
But with the shadow of Voldemort still hanging over a frightened community, Oliver is about to find out that the consequences of doing the right thing can get very out of hand!
An Oliver Wood/Hermione Granger Romance
I've been waiting to read this story for a long time, and now that I have an account, I actually can! *throws confetti* I've loved all of your other work, so I can't wait to start this one.
Author's Response: I hope you've been enjoying it! And I'm very flattered that one of the things you would look forward to, upon getting your account, would be to read this story :-)
Summary: It's seven years after The War and Hermione Granger, the last whole member of the Golden Trio, is making her way through life as best she can. Then, a visitor from her past arrives, setting into motion a chain of events that would bring her closer to a man she never expected and a horror she had already experienced.
Through time and will-power, Hermione forced herself to forget the painful memories of her past. Could one man make her want to remember?
I just got an account, and I wanted to say... I love this story! It's super!
Author's Response: Well first and foremost, welcome to the community. There are a ton of great authors on this site; I\'m sure you\'ll have no problem finding favorites.\r\nAnd secondly, thank you! I\'m happy you enjoyed my story!
Summary: What does Lord Voldemort do in his spare time? Well, that's an excellent question. Who would have known that the Dark Lord has a blog? (He also has a loyal following of readers, most of whom are Death Eaters and who post their comments.) Voldemort dispenses advice on everything from murder methods to germ protection to Power Rangers to shoes, and gives an account of the life of an evil overlord. But is he posting too much personal information online? And will Harry read it and find out more about the Dark Lord than Voldemort ever intended? Read and see.
WARNING: Extremely OOC behaviour from almost all.
RUNNER-UP in the 2007 Quicksilver Quills Awards for Best Humour fic! Also nominated like 21 times, because apparently my readers are as insane as I am!
This is the most classically Schmerg story ever. I still can't get over how much I like this one, even after the third time I've read it. By the way, I tried the PopTart thing, only in the microwave... I was cleaning for a while. This story is redonkulous. Superb!
Author's Response: Awww, thank you so much! This is what you get when I write \'stream of consciousness\'-- honestly, if I had a blog, it\'d end up a lot like this. OH DEAR-- I one time tried to microwave a thing of peas in a non-microwaveable container, and it melted, and the microwave was pretty disgusting for awhile.
Summary: Three-year-old Draco goes trick-or-treating for the first time. His mother takes the opportunity to teach him some lessons and Malfoy family values that she believes will be important to her son later in life. This depiction of Draco is VASTLY different from the version of him that I write in "The Dark Lord's Blog."
Ridiculously short one-shot.
Draco is one of my favorite characters, so this was a treat for me (if you'll pardon the pun). Super-duper-double-wow-fantastic, as per usual.
Author's Response: Thanks! I can never decide whether I like Draco or not... I\'ve decided that I think he\'s a great character but I don\'t like him as a person. This may be because I love his dad so much more or something. But I\'m planning to write at least one Draco fic soon, because I\'ve portrayed him so abominably in Dark Lord\'s Blog and Potter\'s Pentagon.
The Ballad of Lucius Malfoy: An Unappealing Appeal by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 63]
Summary: Lucius Malfoy's appealing to the Wizengamot after being caught in the Department of Mysteries, trying to convince them that he's not evil.
Quite silly, really.
This is the first story/poem of yours I ever read. Good job- you got me hooked. And, now that I have an account (finally) I can tell you that you're rockin' out still. *guitar riff* This was a great, hilarious, so tres Lucius Malfoy poem.
Author's Response: Thank you! This was really the first thing of mine you read? Unuuusual. Welcome to fanfiction, Boo! I really appreciate all of the lovely reviews you\'ve been leaving me!
Summary: Theodore Nott has never had much respect for anyone but himself. But after being summoned by Lord Voldemort to join the Death Eaters, his world turns upside down, and he finds himself questioning everything, including his own values and beliefs. Darkish, but with surprisingly light and fluffy bits, kind of like my Dad's pancakes or a truly hideous dress that my Mum once bought for me.
Written by Schmerg_The_Impaler from Hufflepuff House for the Gauntlet's 3rd run. Whoot!
*slaps self* Gibbs! Sorry... coinkidentally enough, one of my friends recently wrote (and had me edit, hence the mistake) a novel with a character named November Brown. It was a Freudian slip. Sorry! I love your work still! ~*BOO*~
Author's Response: Ah, thanks so much, Boo! And it's awesome that your friend named a character named November! I got the name from a weird dream I had, and I thought it was such an appealing name. I guess great minds think alike! ^_^
This story never ceases to amaze me. I love November Brown's character... it's like she was based on me! Although, she wasn't. So... yeah. If this was a conversation, this would be where the awkward silence would go. Super-dee-duper! Ta!
Author's Response: Thank you! Her last name is Gibbs, but that\'s okay... she\'s actually an awful lot like me, but... not... myesss. I originally intended to base her on me, but in the end, Theo turned out more like me. I really love getting reviews for this story because I don\'t get them often, but I worked hard on it.
Summary: For Lord Voldemort, life is going swell, and everything is juuust peachy... until a ghostly visitor arrives. EXTRAORDINARILY silly.
EDIT: For some bizarre reason that I can't fully comprehend, this story WON the "Things that Go Bump In The Night" challenge in the Winter's Tale Challenge.
If you listen to Mugglecast, then you'll understand what I'm about to say. Reading this story reminded me of "Mikey B! Mikey B! Mikey B! POOF!" Great job.
Author's Response: MAHAHAH! I love MuggleCast. I used to have the biggest InternetCrush on Ben Schoen... I\'m not sure why, though he is a darling.
Summary: Lucius Malfoy is most infamous for being excessively proud of his ancestry and for his disdain for Muggle-borns. But what if he received a letter that changed everything? Takes place during OotP, and it's AU.
Contains snippets of humour.
For the "Dreams" challenge in the fanfiction beta boards... I am Schmerg_The_Impaler of Hufflepuff House.
How much do we love Lucius Malfoy? 10/10. Brava! Keep up the great work
Author's Response: Thanks so much! I adore Lucius... I dressed up as him for the book 7 release, complete with wig and cane!
Summary: Lord Voldemort made a deal with someone who even he considers superior, and if he doesn't fulfill his side of it, then he'll be mortal again!
I am Schmerg_The_Impaler of Hufflepuff house, and this is my submission for the Deathly Hallows prompt in the New Year's Challenge.
Although this story's a one-shot for the challenge, I may add more chapters after the contest is over.
EDIT: Dude! This story came in second in the "Deathly Hallows" prompt of the New Years' Challenge! So, let's do the "2nd Place Dance!" (It's a lot like the Cha-Cha slide.)
This is a good one. *wink* I'll be sure to read it again. And, by the way, your penname could fit into that ridiculous Fergie song... "Schmerg-a-licious: definition: knows her Harry Potter." Yup, too much time on my hands. This fic was up to par, as usual.
Author's Response: Thank you! I actually had a great big plot line planned out for this story (my entire book 7 fic, since everyone seems to have written one of those), but for some reason, it never happened. I may write it someday, though. The Fergie song\'s adorable... I have this one friend who wrote \"SCHMERGALICIOUS MELODY\" across my back one time in purple sharpie.
Summary: It has been six years since Voldemort died at the hands of Harry Potter. The Wizarding world has moved on, and flourished. However, in the deep of London, one young man struggles to seduce his friend of five years as she remains inept and in the dark regardless of the subtle ways he tries to win her heart.
This story is so cute!
Author's Response: Thanks. =] I do cute a lot.
Summary: Well... it's high time that I did something so completely insane that the wizards in white robes dragged me off to the closed ward in St. Mungo's.
So, I spoofed the entire album "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" by the Beatles, to be performed by your favourite Dark Lord and choice Death Eaters in the style of a rock opera. Eat your lonely hearts out!
I don't recommend this fic to those who are not at all familiar with the Beatles.
So, the Beatles+HP+Schmergo= Awesomeness! Why can't I do that instead of algebra 2? *shakes head* Fabibulous, as usual.
Author's Response: Thanks! Amen to that-- I\'m procrastinating by answering these reviews instead of studying for my Algebra 2 final exam tomorrow!
Summary: After his failed attempt on Dumbledore's life, Draco seeks refuge at the Order of the Phoenix. Sent back to Hogwarts with suspicious title of Head Boy, he is forced to share a dormitory with none other than Hermione Granger. But with war looming on the horizon and another danger even closer to home, their seventh year of Hogwarts is anything but ordinary.
A story of compelling intrigue, hidden motives, dangerous secrets, and obvious passion. Animagi, Quidditch, the Order of the Phoenix. Masquerades and riddles. Hate and love. Pleasure and pain. A blend of contradictions that, for two people, makes a truly unforgettable final year. Slow moving D/Hr with plenty of plot.
I love this one also... I've been following it since day one! You're doing amazing work here! *adds to favorites*
Author's Response: Thank you for sticking with the story! I\'m so happy you\'re enjoying it. Thanks for reading!
Summary: It's the sequel to "The Dark Lord's Blog," guys! (And girls... and, I don't know, gender-neutral people and centaurs and walruses and parameciums and shrubs and stuff.)
Several months have passed since Filch came into possession of Voldemort's magical powers, and he has taken over Hogwarts.
With Filch serving as The Dark Lord Snoogerblossom, the position of Hogwarts caretaker/janitor is open. Seeing as Voldemort wants his magical powers back, he and his extremely attractive new sidekick, Mungo Phelps, go undercover at Hogwarts, with Mungo posing as a transfer student and Voldemort posing as the new janitor. Wacky high-jinks ensue.
Join Voldemort as he tries to get back his magic, kill Harry Potter, steal Gryffindor's sword to make a shiny new Horcrux, romance Minerva McGonagall, discover Sirius's secret to becoming a chick magnet, and swallow a teaspoon of his pride to mop up spills the Muggle way and wear an unflattering uniform! WARNING: Extremely silly and very out-of-character.
If you haven't read "The Dark Lord's Blog," well, what are you doing? GO READ IT NOW! Just click on my author name and you'll be directed to my chaotic author page, which lists all my wacky stories.
This is on hiatus, dudes. Ooh! But it was twice nominated by nice (and insane) people for the Best Humour Fic award in the Quicksilver Quills thingy!
Also, some wonderful loony nominated Mungo Phelps for Best Male OC, making him if possible even more conceited! (No one had the heart to tell Mungo that he was designed as an example of a terrible OC.)
EXCITING NEWS! "The E-Journal of an Evil Janitor" is now continued as a Twitter blog! Go to Twitter dot com and find thedarklord666. Voldy's waiting!
On hiatus? DUDE! What a tragedy! I'll just review some of your other work instead. This one looks great so far, though. Keep it up!
Author's Response: I\'m glad you liked what I\'ve done! I may come back to it-- then again, I may not.
Summary: Our boy Theodore Nott thinks he’s signed up for a position in the Department of Mysteries. Little does he know that he’s been roped into something a bit more… deathly.
Rollicking fun, dry commentary, suspense, and heavy doses of surrealism with the Grim Reaper and company, including a surprise guest at the end. Written for the Gauntlet challenge by Schmerg_The_Impaler of the grand house of Hufflepuff.
Technically a companion piece to “To Be Or Nott To Be,” but who’s counting? It also stands on its own just as well.
Looks like the judges got drunk again, because they were insane enough to give this story Second Place in the gauntlet. Somewhere, all the famous dead writers are rolling over in their graves, but I, for one, am feeling very squeeful at this undeserved reward! Thanks, judges!
I do love Theodore Nott, and you've given him a personality instead of leaving him as one of those one-dimensional Slytherins who do nothing but beat down Muggleborns and turn up their noses. Brava!
Author's Response: Thank you! I was so intrigued after I saw the description of him on JKR\'s website. I\'ve tried several times to write a third Nott story, but it never really worked out. My next gauntlet entry will feature Arthur and Bill Weasley and is written in a team with Nevilles_Girl.
Summary: WARNING! This story contains a jingle-bell antler headband, a shower of potatoes, boy/girl mushiness, underwear karaoke, family trouble, an excessively adorable werewolf, death, the song "Werewolves of London," betrayal, and the word 'Jordan' five times in a row near the beginning of chapter seven.
Twenty-one years after Voldemort's defeat, five fourth-years are faced with a new threat. Will all of the five stay true to the light side? Will they all emerge whole in the end? Will Jordan Potter ever get a life? You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll gasp, you'll sigh! Part one in a trilogy!
Well, after much deliberation and consideration, I've decided to submit my future-gen trilogy! This particular installment is three years old, so it's definitely different from my current writing style, but I'm quite fond of the characters.
DH is disregarded. It's a total coincidence that one of the main characters is named Ted Lupin.
Starring Quicksilver Quills 2008 Best Male Original Character runner-up Jordan Potter, Best Female Original Character nominees Ivy Potter, Haley Potter, and Emma Weasley, and Best Male Original Character nominee Ted Lupin!
Five times nominated (once for each member of Potter's Pentagon!) for the Best Post-Hogwarts story in the 2007 Quicksilver Quills Awards, and nominated for Best Post-Hogwarts story in the 2008 Quicksilver Quill Awards...
Like I said for PP2, this series is amazing. Can't wait for the next installment. You're a very talented (and hilarious) author.
Author's Response: Thank you! I wrote this when I was only thirteen, and now I\'m sixteen, so there\'s a really big difference in my writing style. I\'m glad you liked it, though!
Summary: Ever wondered why Florean Fortescue was taken by the Death Eaters?
Lord Voldemort is on the quest to find the best, evilest flavour of ice cream, and he will stop at nothing to get it.
This is a very short, very silly and quite OOC little one-shot written as consolation for the fact that "E-Journal" is on hiatus. It's based on a prompt given to me by the ridiculously talented Inigoenigma.
Nominated for Best Humour fic in the Quicksilver Quills awards!
This was very cute... and gave me a craving for ice cream. Must... have... sugar! Sweet, if you'll forgive the pun, work.
Author's Response: Thanks! Your reviews are so nice... I love getting them. And yes, when I wrote this story, I had to stop halfway through to get some ice creamy snacks!
Summary: This fanfiction writer laments the loss of her favourite dark lord in a re-donk-ulous poem.
This is not very complimentary to Volders, so don't tell him about it if you see him around, okay?
Deathly Hallows spoilers.
Four times nominated for Best Poem in the Quicksilver Quills Awards!
Voldemort was one of my favorite characters. I was so sad to see him die- and then this poem put it in perspective. Fantastic job, as usual! Two thumbs and a big toe up!
Author's Response: That\'s a new one-- a \"big toe,\" heh. Voldemort was one of my favourite characters, too, though for some reason, I just couldn\'t take him seriously in the seventh book. I wasn\'t sure whether this was because I\'d spent so long mocking him or because JK Rowling couldn\'t take him seriously, either! But I actually did gasp and freak out a little bit when he died.
The Phoenix of the Order: A Potterized Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack! by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 69]
Summary: Having spoofed the lovely album "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band," I decided to do another one of my favourite albums: THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA SOUNDTRACK! And through Andrew Lloyd Webber's yummy songs, this spoof tells the story of "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix."
So here it is, guys! (And girls, and koalas, and lampreys, and shrubs and parameciums and stuff.)
This is more a spoof of the soundtrack than the actual play... though if anyone records themself singing any of these songs, I would fall over from sheer awesomeness attack.
She's here... the phantom of the fanfics! Schmerg strikes again, and strikes well. You are doing a phenomenal job of balancing humor and weight in your parodies. Fantastic!
Author's Response: BAHAHAH! The phantom of the fanfics... would that make me the fan-tom? (Sorry, lame.) This was actually my VERY FIRST SPOOF EVER, written at the tender age of twelve, so thank you very much! I wrote my \"Wicked\" and \"Sweeney Todd\" spoofs four years after this one.
Summary: Anyone heard those rumours about a Harry Potter musical?
It better be just like this.
No, but seriously, it's a spoof of the songs from Disney channel's infamous "High School Musical," telling the tale of JK Rowling's infamous "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets." (I was dared; I took the challenge.)
You will never see the Basilisk the same way again.
P.S. You may also want to check out my Beatles and Phantom of the Opera spoofs. Just click on my username and it'll take you to my delightfully chaotic author's page.
Twice nominated for Best Poem in the Quicksilver Quills Awards!
Again you exhibit your word karate skills! If there was a tournament, you'd completely take first. I found myself singing along with the songs as I read them. Maybe I'll do a video of myself or something... nah, too creepy. Keep up the great work!
Author's Response: Gahahaha, thanks! Though it wouldn\'t be creepy to make a video of yourself doing this-- it\'d be awesome and flattering! Now maybe if you made a video of ME singing it in the shower, it\'d be creepy, but that\'s an entirely different story!