I am a 16 year old boy in my AS Leves.
I good at critizing and writting reviews.
I make banners and have been using PhotoShop CS2 since last two years.
I am hoping to get along here quickly and settle properly. *smiles*
Oh and I will also do Beta Reading. :)
If i was to reviw this in a word or two I would say 'Not Bad'.
If you are wondering why not "Good" or "Great" then it is good because I will be talking about that very thing now.
First thing - you experimented with parellel worlds type of writting so kudos to you for that. But it din't come out well (or so i think). You could have elobrated it a bit.
Secondly, there is no proper description of the enviorment and implentaion of proper tone for mood creation. ( or maybe I was unable to find any.)
Thirdly, the introduction of the two (main) characters was given in the end so I thinking that the reason for it was to keep their identities, and if you were trying to do the same then I must say that you were not able to do so very successfully (also because we knew as we read your summary :D )
I guess that would be enough points to get your brain working hard. Those were the area for improvements.
What I liked about this write-up is the use of repetition. It was just splendid, continue using it throughout the ficvel ( i mean fictionous novel ) that would make it a thing for the readers to enjoy everythime.
One more good thing is that you did not leave the chapter with a HUGE cliffhanger like many other ficvels.
I hope you take this critisim in the right manner and improve your writting skills. And as the plot you have can endup the way you want you can take that freedom of thinking in making chracterization for every character in the ficvels with a little twist.( I also hope you get what I mean :D)
P.S : I rate this 6.5/10
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the critics, Adi! It is a really constructive review.. very helpful. But actually, the prologue was meant to be very vague. It was originally a drabble, and I wanted to keep it that way. Guess I was a bit partial :)