I love to write and I love flipping ideas on their head (though that can be harder to do at times). I also love to read and my favorite type of books are science fiction/fantasy. My favorite TV show is Battlestar Galactica. That's it for now. I'll add more when I think of it.
This was a really good chapter. I always liked Severus Snape as a character because, out of all the characters, he was probably the most complex. I liked how you portrayed his agony so well and added another layer to the character. Good job!
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I know that these first two chapters aren\'t exactly the best way to start a fic because he\'s just so miserable, but it does pick up in the next chapter, I promise. :)
That was a very interesting start to an intriguing story. I loved how both Severus and Lily were conflicted over the proposition, but ended up accepting the proposition to kill one another. I really liked how they also had different reasons to do so: Snape with jealousy and Lily for revenge.
I really liked how the story blended so well together. It didn't even seem as if two different people wrote the different perspectives, except for the fact that one was in first person and the other was in third. The two parts just flowed right into each other.
This was a wonderful piece of work that really captured Percy as we have never seen him. The language was beautiful and I think you really nailed down the emotional turmoil Percy went through. I especially loved the use of the picture and how each family member reacted differently to Percy. I loved the comparison between that lonely little tree and Percy.
One of my favorite line is this "Pain and loss emanated from within me in synchronicity to the bittersweet memories – every one like a knife’s thrust to my heart."
I think you did a wonderful job with this story. I did find one tiny mistake and it is here:
"Whatever I it was I had hoped to find, however, did not exist in reality." I think you meant to write "Whatever it was I had hoped..." without the "I".
Other than that, fantastic job!
I really found this to be an intriguing one-shot, mostly because it introduces a James that most readers forget about, which is a loving father and husband. I loved the mention of how he thanked Fate every day for giving him Lily and Harry. This sentimentality we as the reader see in James is very refreshing and adds a very humanizing touch to him. I also really liked the quick memory snapshots in the end and how the reader literally saw how James’ life "flashed" before his eyes.
There was only part that got a little confusing. When Voldemort attacked them, I thought it was a little rushed. At this point I think you could still have the sudden exploding door and sudden attack if you built up the impending doom earlier in the one-shot. The one-shot started out this way as the reader got to see what James did with Lily and Harry, but later in the one-shot the reader was told what was happening rather than shown. I think if you showed more and more scenes that James had with Lily and Harry, instead of telling the reader, then it could really build up the doom hanging over them. The reader knows this is James’ last day and the more you show of that last day (as you did in the very beginning), the more endearing those moments become to the reader.
I also think you could lead up to the attack in a subtle way by weaving in dark tones, so that when the attack happens, it doesn’t make the reader feel it is too rushed. Like maybe as James is feeding Harry, he sees flies buzzing around a dead bug outside the window or maybe Peter was supposed to call him and doesn’t or the lock on the door could be getting rusty or maybe James keeps seeing a gray rat in the house. These are, of course, only suggestions.
Other than that, I really think this was a unique one-shot. I loved how James didn’t bother to pick up his wand when Voldemort came and that he wasn’t afraid for his life, but would gladly lay it down as a sacrifice for his wife and son’s life. This shows how truly heroic James really was in the end. He was probably one of the few characters who faced Voldemort unafraid and without a wand and I think people generally forget that about James, so it was nice to see here. Excellent job!
Author's Response: Thank you for your review. I see your points about the rushed feeling. I will keep these in mind as I am writing the next one-shot in this series. I wanted to show James as more than a Marauder and an Order member. You are right, it is the side of him that everyone forgets about. Thanks again.